My sexual orientation is that I like people, with Corrina Gordon-Barnes

My sexual orientation is that I like people, with Corrina Gordon-Barnes

The how of a dream relationship

Imagine if you said to your partner, “There’s nothing that you can do wrong. If I’m ever irritated with you, resentful of you, disappointed with you, that is 100% for me to resolve.” Find out more about Corrina’s radical approach to happy relationships, why it works, and what it takes.

 

The liberation of taking responsibility

How did you get to doing what you do now?

I got really really peaceful in my relationships.

I realized that this is really rare.

I broke through to this whole new level of peace where I said to my wife, “There is literally nothing that you can do that is wrong. If I’m ever irritated with you, resentful of you, disappointed with you, that is 100% for me to resolve.”

It doesn’t mean I don’t get triggered.

It means I have a very fast way of getting to peace.

It just takes one person.

It is hopeless to try and get the other person to change.

If Sam suddenly decides to give me exactly what I want, that is a bonus.

But it’s not required for me to be happy.

I have taken the responsibility and liberation on me.

Just take that responsibility yourself and give yourself what you want.

 

Detaching from the stories

What were some challenges on your own path that enabled you to go deeper?

I realized it’s just not going to work if I keep thinking I want and need something from her.

I’m just going to be disappointed, frustrated.

She is my soul mate.

I feel that we are meant to be together.

The core of our relationship is right.

How do you know that at the core your relationship is right? How are you so convinced?

When the stories are gone, there is just a silence in my head.

I had doubts over the years.

Doubts are the stories.

When I have worked my thoughts, I have taken a thought that has caused frustration or disappointment, asked whether it is true.

Is that what I need in order to be peaceful and happy in this relationship?

What would this moment with this beautiful woman be like without my story in the way?

Questioning the stories that build up.

They are just stories, they are not true.

 

Process to stillness

What does it take for you to get to the point where you can see the story from what it is and detach from it?

The very first stage is to actually have a rant.

Write down everything about your partner that you think is their fault.

Really get mean with this.

You have to get them on paper to see what you’re actually dealing with.

The next step is to find stillness.

I meditate.

Observe those thoughts and see that they are thoughts.

They are not facts. They are like these strings of words that appear in your mind.

Then you start to get that separation from them.

Be aware of where you are arguing for your pain.

People can tolerate huge amounts of pain if they think that is the only option.

When you start seeing that pain is not obligatory, if you can see that your thoughts are causing that pain then you can begin to move beyond that.

 

Giving away our power

I imagine you haven’t always been in this peaceful place. Can you share a little bit about the mistakes you made early on, maybe different relationships?

I had one significant relationship before Sam.

I looked to him for everything.

My world got very very small.

He was going to fulfill all my needs.

I didn’t need to stay connected to my friends.

I tuned everything out.

I made him everything.

I lost myself completely.

I didn’t have the self-love, so I was looking for it in him.

I definitely was not living my personal power.

I was a teenager.

I didn’t love myself.

I didn’t think I was amazing.

So when someone came along that seemed to love me, of course I was going to leap onto that horse and ride away into that subset.

 

There is no need to have needs

This whole idea of us having needs in itself is to be questioned.

I can take care of myself, love myself, be there for myself.

Anything my partner does is a bonus.

This is a thing I have really discovered, is how grateful I am.

When you acknowledge that you actually don’t have needs that have to be fulfilled by this person, then everything that they actually do for you is such a gift. It puts you in a place of appreciation, love and gratitude, as opposed to a place of expectation and disappointment.

We think we have needs, we think that our partner’s job is to meet those needs. They then don’t meet those needs because they are human, and then we feel frustrated, disappointed, bitter, and resentful.

I had a friend who said, “Expectations are premeditated resentments."

What if I went into a situation with no expectations?

There is no past to compare with, there is no future to compare with, there is no other person to compare with, there is no fictional wife or husband that I am comparing with.

Just seeing what is happening.

Just watch what is actually happening, rather than comparing it with the script.

That is what peace is, when you are just in yourself, not trying to change his world.

 

Accepting your authentic self

I understand that you identify as bisexual. Can you share a little bit about how this has been for you recognizing that your sexual orientation was not straight?

I was boy-mad in my teens.

I liked boys.

But I also liked girls.

Because I also liked boy, I thought, “I will just go out with boys. That’s just what you do,"

When I was in my 20s, I met Sam – my wife.

I just fell in love with her.

It was meant to be, soulmate, destiny.

We argued the very time we met.

We say we were annoyed at each other that we hadn’t met each other until then.

Gender was not relevant.

My sexual orientation is that I like people.

I have never had a problem with it.

It has always been easy for me.

I feel very grateful for that.

That is my vision, we don’t see gender so much.

We are just people. We all have these minds that project onto the people we are with.

Whether we are male or female or identify as a different gender, it is just humans trying to love humans the best we can.

 

Transcending assumptions

I remember the very first Valentine’s Day I got with Sam.

I went into the card shop. I could not find a card that did not have a man and a woman on the front of it.

I had no idea because until then all the cards I have ever bought were for men.

That’s when I realized it is not even people being prejudice that creates challenge.

It is when we make assumptions.

Being with Sam, people assume that I am gay. I say to them, “I am not gay, but my wife is,"

How do you find yourself living with these assumptions being imposed on you?

I experience it with a lot of love, compassion, and lightness.

People are innocent.  

We believe what we believe.

I don’t think people want to hurt other people.

They just haven’t questioned certain thoughts, certain assumptions.

 

Being compassionate to your truth

Do you have any advice for people who are in the process of coming out right now?

My process if about questioning the thought.

The thought that would stop someone from coming out is, “They are going to reject me, they are not going to love me,"

Where am I doing that to myself?

Am I hating myself? Am I rejecting myself? Am I loving myself?

Finding peace with, this is who you are, this is your beautiful self.

This is your truth, and anything that is not your truth is going to feel off and wrong.

 

Our favorite tips from Corrina

Question your thoughts, “Is it true?”

Thoughts are not facts, they are just strings of words that come up in our mind.

Question the idea of having needs in relationships.

View what your partner does for you as a gift, as opposed to an expectation.

Let go of your relationship expectations, and instead be with your partner in that moment.

Find the magnificence in your partner and in that moment together.

Find peace in your authentic self.

Love and be compassionate to yourself.

 

Quotes

“I have taken the responsibility and liberation on me.”

“If we want to grow, we want all of it.”

“What am I living to get back into my personal power?”

“I can take care of myself, love myself, be there for myself, and then anything my partner does is a bonus on top of that.”

“When you start seeing that pain is not obligatory, if you can see that your thoughts are causing that pain then you can begin to move beyond that.”

“What if I went into a situation with no expectations? There is no past to compare with, there is no future to compare with, there is no other person to compare with, there is no fictional wife or husband that I am comparing with. I am just seeing what is happening.”

“That is my vision, we don’t see gender so much.”

“Whether we are male or female or identify as a different gender, it is just humans trying to love humans the best we can.”

“We believe what we believe. I don’t think people want to hurt other people. They just haven’t questioned certain thoughts, certain assumptions.”

“Anything that is not your truth is going to feel off and wrong.”

 

Resources and Links:

Visit her website: www.corrinagordonbarnes.com

 

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Until then,

Stay in your heart.

xx

Valerie

In this episode, we talk about: woman, entrepreneur, relationship, bisexual, gay, lesbian, coming out, truth, marriage, happy, peaceful, love, wisdom, authentic, rules, liberation