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Help for The People Pleaser

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

Release Date: 07/27/2020

A Quick question to shift your perspective and lift your spirits show art A Quick question to shift your perspective and lift your spirits

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

This one question on my yoga retreat from a guest helped me shift my perspective. Hope this helps shift yours too!

This season of darkness is a potent time for transformation and finding your light show art This season of darkness is a potent time for transformation and finding your light

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

In the darkness is where things grow.


SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

My invitation to you this week for our Mantra Monday is to LISTEN and be in a receptive state, so you can hear the truth and the path.

Surrender and Trust Life to Unfold its Magic plan for You show art Surrender and Trust Life to Unfold its Magic plan for You

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

Stay open and let Life’s divine magic unfold for you in it’s own divine timing. Trust that everything you’re experiencing is exactly where you’re meant to be.

How to Get Out of the Comparison Rut and Manifest What You Desire show art How to Get Out of the Comparison Rut and Manifest What You Desire

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

On the podcast, I'll share 4 steps to help pull you out of a comparison rut and realign you to be magnetic to what you desire:

How to give yourself Body Kindness show art How to give yourself Body Kindness

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

In a world where we’re taught that thinner is better and being younger is more desirable, it’s hard for us to push through that noise and be stronger than societies expectations. My intention for my post was to inspire women to love themselves, not degrade themselves.

Spirituality and Racial Injustice with Donte Quinine show art Spirituality and Racial Injustice with Donte Quinine

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

To celebrate episode 100 Today on the Soul School podcasts, I talk with Donte Quinine, a Tedx speaker, life coach and yoga leader about spirituality and racial injustice.

What Would Someone Who Truly Loved Themselves Do? show art What Would Someone Who Truly Loved Themselves Do?

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

Although we can learn tactics for building self-love, sometimes we get stuck of how to actually put these tools into practice. It’s tough to rewire our brain patterns. This week’s mantra is when you get into conflict with yourself, ask: “what would someone who truly loved themselves do?” to help you shift out of your head and into your heart. www.AudreySuttonMills.co,

Learning from Your Dark Shadows show art Learning from Your Dark Shadows

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

Shadows are a dark part of our personality that we often want to hide because it brings us shame. One tool is to give the shadow a personal name to help ease the self-inquiry process and help you stay open to learning about yourself so you can let go of judgment and be there for yourself to learn the lesson. Only when we can be with our uncomfortable feelings, then we can learn from them what they are trying to show us.

How to REparent Yourself show art How to REparent Yourself

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

You have learned beliefs and patterns that you bring into your relationships with each other and yourself. Nothing is new. As children we’re very good at being in tune with our environment and very good at protecting ourselves to feel safe. Even if you had a good childhood, you learned ways of how to act by watching your caregivers, parents, siblings, cousins and their behaviors, beliefs and expectations. Reparenting is the act of giving yourself what you needed as a child.

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When I was a child, I was a parent pleaser.


When I became an adult, I became a people pleaser.


As a new mom and a recovering people pleaser, my initial instinct is to try to make it all better, make my daughter’s pain go away, or distract her with some toy so she forgets her big emotions and can return to being happy.


A few weeks ago, I was at a friend’s house and my daughter, Hunter, was really enjoying playing with her friend’s hot pink Barbie Convertible Car (I mean, who wouldn’t!?) and threw the wildest tantrum when I told her it was time to go home. I became flushed with embarrassment as my child screamed at the top of her lungs, threw her arms around and kicked.


Every cell in my body wanted to scoop her up, give an embarrassing quick wave goodbye, distract her with some candy or a toy – anything that would make her happy and stuff her in the car so we could get home as fast as possible. Let’s erase and forget this ever existed.


Honestly, the people pleaser in me just wanted to make all of her uncomfortable emotions disappear.

But her uncomfortable emotions were a reflection of me being uncomfortable with her feeling uncomfortable.


Still with me?


Kids are honest. They show their genuine emotions as they feel them, and then they let them go after they’ve expressed them.


Adults don’t. We shove these uncomfortable emotions down hoping they’ll go away, but they just fester and erupt at an inopportune time later.


It was probably less than 10 minutes of a breakdown, but it felt like an hour! Instead of running away or distracting from her emotions, I held empathetic space for my daughter and sports casted her feelings, “I know, it sucks to not be able to stay and play with this car. You don’t want to leave. You’re feeling upset and frustrated. Dang! But it’s time to go home now.”


By being her anchor and being empathetic, her emotion lessened. Because I was able to be with her in those uncomfortable times, she could be with herself during her uncomfortable times.


My natural people pleasing instinct is to be the hero and to fix everything so she returns to being happy as soon as possible. I like that role, but it does her no good if I do that.


Basically, I would be teaching her that these uncomfortable emotions are bad and need to be fixed, that she is flawed and that I don’t trust that she’s capable of dealing with Life’s normal circumstances, disappointments and big emotions.


If I try to please her and fix the situation for her, I’ll rob her of invaluable Life skills to know she is brave enough to be with uncomfortable emotions, that not all situations work out and that’s okay, that she is worthy and normal to feel all of her feelings and by doing so she can trust her resilience to ride Life’s waves of various emotions.


Tantrums are not bad, or embarrassing, or even need to be squashed. Tantrums are simply an expression of emotions that need to be released.


Being okay with not being okay is healthy and mature. All of your feelings are normal. Feel them.


This advice rings true for a 1.5 year old as it does for me at 41 years old.


Just as I’m parenting her, I’m also re-parenting myself. Reparent yourself to give yourself the advice, nurturing support you needed as a child.


I’m unlearning to fix and please, not only for her, but for myself.


That same people pleaser mentality is also how I used to deal with myself and negative feelings.


In the past, if I experienced a disappointment, a heartbreak or negative emotion, I would normally aestheticize with food, numb that feeling with booze or distract myself with something else so I didn’t have to be with it.


This strategy has never worked, for me.


So, I’m working on just being present to the Ebb and Flow of big emotions, trusting that by being with the feeling, it will be seen and pass, just like any other emotion.


You don’t have to fix the feeling. Just have to be with the emotion, as it is.


You don’t have to fix yourself You’re not broken.


By feeling your feelings, you return to your wholeness.


If you’re constantly fixing, numbing and ignoring in order to be happy, you will always be chasing this destination. Happiness is fleeting – just like any other emotion.


By honoring Life’s waves of ups and downs, being with yourself and feeling your feelings fully, you’ll be able to find happiness in the process, build worthiness in your new skills, and trust your resilience that you are brave, mature and kind.


LMK if you’re a people pleaser too and if these technique of feeling your feelings and letting go of trying to fix are helpful.


Want to dive in deeper? Join me on Sunday 8/9 from 4-6pm pst for a virtual workshop centered around connecting and nurturing your inner child along with relaxing deep yin yoga and journaling.


Also Mark your calendars because my signature online program, Soul School is back and starts date of October 5th. This course is special to my heart and is a decade of my learning to help you embody your truth: you are enough and you matter. I hope you can join me. SIGN UP HERE TO BE THE FIRST TO KNOW WHEN DOORS OPEN FOR REGISTRATION