Taking a Pause
Boundaries Queen
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#16: Listening Boundaries: Knowing What's True (For You)
Boundaries Queen
Of the four primary boundaries, the listening boundary is by far the most difficult. This is largely because all of us have preinstalled “filters” that impact how we hear and receive others’ words (both spoken and written). In other words, your beliefs, biases, experiences, and a host of other factors impact how you hear what others communicate—meaning it’s incredibly difficult to accurately receive or take in the words others say. The listening boundary also involves only taking in what is true for you rather than simply accepting others’ words as reality. In fact, negative...
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#15: Speaking Boundaries: Knowing How to Be Heard
Boundaries Queen
The idea of having a speaking boundary may sound strange at first, but by the end of this episode, I hope you’ll understand how a healthy speaking or talking boundary can protect both you and those around you. When your speaking boundary isn’t working well, you can come across as rude, dismissive, critical, or even contemptuous. On the other hand, a healthy speaking boundary means that you’re speaking in a way that makes your words easier to receive and easier to hear, because you’re clear, coherent, and respectful. This means you’ll avoid saying things you’ll regret or feel...
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#14: Sexual Boundaries: Yes, No, and Everything in Between
Boundaries Queen
Of the four primary boundaries, the sexual boundary is the most controversial and the one that people have the most opinions about. In today’s episode, I want to simplify this messy, complicated topic so you can more easily implement your own healthy sexual boundaries. Sexual boundaries are non-negotiable. No one gets to decide whether or how they touch you sexually without your permission—and you get to decide what you consider sexual. It’s up to you to decide which of your body parts you consider to be sexual, for example, and what you define as sexual activities. Your sexual...
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#13: Physical Boundaries: Protecting Your Body and Your Belongings
Boundaries Queen
There are four primary boundaries: the physical boundary, the sexual boundary, the speaking/talking boundary, and the listening boundary. Today’s episode is the first in a four-part series in which I’ll cover each of these boundaries in turn. Before digging into the physical boundary in detail, though, I’ll cover some basics of these primary boundaries in general, so don’t miss this episode. One deeply important point that I’ll cover but want to reiterate here is that physical boundaries are non-negotiable; a “no” is a “no.” This applies both to you and to other people,...
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#12: Step 6: Evaluate Your Results and See What Went Wrong
Boundaries Queen
If you’ve been following along with the six-step boundaries clarifier process, you’ve already created a boundary and taken action. But there’s still one more step: evaluating how things went to see what (if anything) went wrong and whether you need to work through the process again. Resolving any problems that occurred during the boundary-setting process involves identifying the reason why things went wrong. In this episode, I’ll go over various types of problems (from unsuccessful boundary creation to broken agreements) and offer guidance on how to move forward from each of them....
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#11: Step 5: Take Action to Create a Boundary
Boundaries Queen
If you’ve been following along through these episodes, you may be both excited and nervous to hear that now, in step 5, it’s time to take action based on everything you’ve worked through up to this point. The options you explored in the previous step directly correlate to the actions possible here—so if you completed step 4 thoroughly, you should already have a pretty good idea of what you’re doing now. But that doesn’t necessarily make it easy, so this episode is all about helping you learn the best ways to follow through and take action. One big tip I’d like to share is...
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#10: Step 4: See Where You Have Power Before You Take Action
Boundaries Queen
As you work toward achieving the outcome you want for the situation or event you identified in step 1 of the boundaries clarifier process, it’s crucial to figure out where your power lies—and that’s exactly what I’ll guide you through in today’s episode. As you’ll learn today, there are four main options for where your power lies in this process. Ultimately, there’s very little that’s fully within your circle of control, and misunderstanding this can lead you to try to take control of things you don’t have power over (like other people), resulting in unnecessary conflict and...
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#9: Step 3: Clarify Your Needs and the Outcome You Want
Boundaries Queen
In the first step of my boundary-setting process, you identified a specific situation or event you wanted to address. Today’s episode, which covers the third step in the process, is all about clarifying your needs in regard to that situation, and then identifying the outcome you want. As you work through this step, let go of being “realistic.” I want you to brainstorm all sorts of outcomes for the second part of this step, no matter how far-fetched or impractical they might seem, and to allow yourself to imagine exactly what you want. If you’ve worked through this step and...
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#8: Step 2: Get Clear about Your Reality
Boundaries Queen
Welcome to the second part of this six-episode exploration of the boundaries-setting process. I’ll assume you’ve already listened to the previous episode about step one; if you haven’t, please go listen to that one and then come back to this episode. Now that you’ve identified a specific situation or event that you need to set a boundary around in the previous episode, it’s time to get clear about your reality as it relates to that incident or situation. To really understand what’s going on, we’ll examine the experience from three angles. First, there’s what you experienced...
info_outlineIf you're a listener of my original boundaries podcast, Beyond Bitchy, first I want to thank you for being a listener and second, I want to give you the backstory about Boundaries Queen.
In the summer of 2023, I received an unsolicited email from the publisher of the “For Dummies” series asking me if I'd like to write a Dummies® book about personal boundaries. The opportunity to share what I’ve learned about boundaries with an even wider audience was irresistible, and my new book, Personal Boundaries For Dummies, will be released on May 7, 2024!
Contrary to popular opinion, healthy, effective boundaries aren’t “mean” or “harsh.” Instead, they create space and freedom—in the same way that building a fence allows you to experience your backyard in peace and privacy. If you’re skeptical about the need for good boundaries, ask yourself this: what would a world without boundaries look like? How would you function without walls, schedules, deadlines, arrival or departure times, standards, or laws?
Tune in to this first episode of the new show to learn how to create peace, protection, and connection by identifying, creating, and maintaining healthy, effective boundaries. I’m thrilled that you're here, and I look forward to continuing this journey together into an even deeper appreciation and understanding of boundaries.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #1:
- You probably fall into one of three categories: you’ve recently realized that boundaries are “a thing,” or you have a pretty good grasp of boundaries but know you have more to learn, or you’re a counselor or coach working with clients who need solid information about boundaries but have struggled to find a good resource.
- Boundaries are a skill just like learning to ride a bicycle. You can learn the principles here, then take them out into the world to practice and experiment with what you’ve learned. I hope you'll go out there and make a lot of mistakes! That's the way you learn.
- As you start or improve your boundary work, you’ll encounter pushback and resistance. This is completely normal, so know that it's actually a good thing—a sign that you’re doing something different.
Highlights from Episode #1:
- Welcome to the very first episode of the Boundaries Queen Podcast! This episode will orient you to the new show and help you get started with boundaries. [00:31]
- Victoria talks about how orienting calms the nervous system, using the example of finding the perfect spot to sit in a restaurant. [01:18]
- We hear about Victoria’s thoughts on ending the Beyond Bitchy podcast, and what's happened since then that led to the launching of Boundaries Quuen. [03:03]
- Victoria talks about her new book and shares her love for helping people understand how boundaries work. She also explains the backstory for the name of this podcast. [06:43]
- Let’s talk about you and your boundaries! [09:47]
- Victoria shares some important facts about boundaries. [11:48]
- Boundaries give you space, freedom, and peace. [14:11]
- What exactly are boundaries? To illustrate the answer, Victoria explores the most fundamental ways that boundaries operate in your life. [15:51]
- We hear a short list of the benefits of boundaries (a topic Victoria will address in detail in future episodes). [18:29]
- Are you listening to this episode before May 7, 2024? If so, you can still take advantage of the preorder bonuses Victoria is offering for Personal Boundaries For Dummies. [19:53]
Links and Resources: