#16: Listening Boundaries: Knowing What's True (For You)

Of the four primary boundaries, the listening boundary is by far the most difficult. This is largely because all of us have preinstalled “filters” that impact how we hear and receive others’ words (both spoken and written). In other words, your beliefs, biases, experiences, and a host of other factors impact how you hear what others communicate—meaning it’s incredibly difficult to accurately receive or take in the words others say.

The listening boundary also involves only taking in what is true for you rather than simply accepting others’ words as reality. In fact, negative emotions are often a signal that you’ve taken in (or believed) another person’s perception that isn’t your truth.

If you're curious to learn more about how the listening boundary works and how it protects you and others, tune into this episode. In addition to exploring this boundary, I’ll offer basic tools to help you improve the listening boundary, including putting on your reporter hat, recording the speaker’s actual words, staying curious, and receiving others’ words impersonally.

 

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #16:

• The primary purpose of listening is to discover, to know, and to understand who the speaker is. If you’re getting agitated or impatient, or thinking about what you’re going to say next, you have probably stoppped listening well or attentively.
• When your listening boundary is functioning well, you have the ability to hear (or read) the words that someone says to you in a highly accurate way and to reflect on what you’ve heard with minimum filters before you respond.
• Listening boundary violations include being deliberately distracted, refusing to listen, leaving in the middle of a sentence, changing the subject abruptly, rolling your eyes, or being unavailable during conversation.

 

Highlights from Episode #16:

• Victoria welcomes listeners to the last episode in the series exploring the four primary boundaries and talks about our preinstalled filters. [00:31]
• We hear a couple examples of situational preinstalled filters. [03:10]
• When you’re improving your listening boundary, examine and discover what your filters are. Victoria also explains the primary purpose of listening. [05:55]
• High-quality listening is a form of emotional labor—which may explain why good listeners are so rare. [08:51]
• Victoria gives an example of what it can look like to be reactive. [11:52]
• We hear the definition of a listening boundary, as well as a couple of examples of maintaining your own perceptions. [13:37]
• What does it look like when you’re protecting yourself with listening boundaries? [16:30]
• Victoria offers recommendations for what to do if someone calls you “rude,” “inconsiderate,” or  a similar perception-based term. [19:16]
• We learn what it looks like when you’re protecting others with your listening boundaries. [21:50]
• Victoria gives a short list of listening boundary violations. [24:04]
• Victoria offers some basic listening tools to help you improve your listening boundary. [27:03]
• We hear a brief description of some more advanced tools, which Victoria will cover in detail in future episodes. [33:03]
• Victoria recaps what she has covered in today’s episode and where to learn more and invites listeners to subscribe to the show. [37:54]

 

Links and Resources:

• Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon
• Victoria Priya
• 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast three-part “Listening Boundary” series:
  • The Listening Boundary Part 1
  • The Listening Boundary Part 2 (How It Works)
  • The Listening Boundary Part 3: High Quality Listening = Higher Quality Responses
• Byron Katie
• Pia Mellody