loader from loading.io

If he doesn't ejaculate, is it sex? - Melissa

Good Girls Talk About Sex

Release Date: 06/11/2020

I think I had a crush on a woman - Coaching Caitlin show art I think I had a crush on a woman - Coaching Caitlin

Good Girls Talk About Sex

Leah shares a coaching session with client Caitlin to give us an in-depth experience of what coaching looks and feels like. They focus on Caitlin’s newly-discovered attraction to women.

info_outline
I thought my vagina was broken - Stephanie show art I thought my vagina was broken - Stephanie

Good Girls Talk About Sex

Stephanie shares how childhood shame led to an eating disorder, which had a profound affect on her ability to relate with her sexuality and her sexual partners.

info_outline
Dealing with post-sex UTIs show art Dealing with post-sex UTIs

Good Girls Talk About Sex

Dr. Evelin Dacker returns to answer a listener’s question about common and chronic UTI’s that occur after sex. She breaks down the how and why, and addresses prevention and treatment.

info_outline
They can't find the clit without a roadmap - Alexa (take 2) show art They can't find the clit without a roadmap - Alexa (take 2)

Good Girls Talk About Sex

“Deaf U” star Alexa Paulay-Simmons gets candid about who she is (and always has been) as a sexual person, and how that’s shaped her life.

info_outline
An error in translation show art An error in translation

Good Girls Talk About Sex

Hey friends, You’ll notice this isn’t the regular episode you were expecting!  The regular episode was loaded into the feed, and some of you may have already downloaded and listened to it. However, I made an error in the production of this episode so, in fairness to our guest, I’ve pulled the episode to fix it. Here’s what happened – Our guest, Alexa, is Deaf and we did the interview through an interpreter.  It was my first time ever doing an interview through an interpreter, so it took me a little time to relax into it. What didn’t occur to me was to send the transcript...

info_outline
My pandemic sex life show art My pandemic sex life

Good Girls Talk About Sex

Leah gets real about how her intimate life has weathered the pandemic, and how confronting her partner’s depression spiral turned out to be a better strategy—for both of them—than enduring it.

info_outline
He was a god and I was a kid - Debbie show art He was a god and I was a kid - Debbie

Good Girls Talk About Sex

Debbie was formed by experiences of both pleasure and pain. She was blessed with good early relationships, but also is a survivor of the epidemic of sexual abuse in elite women’s sport. Her faith in herself helped her choose to heal.

info_outline
Improve your sex life with the STARS talk show art Improve your sex life with the STARS talk

Good Girls Talk About Sex

STARS is an easy-to-remember acronym for conversations that lead to awesome consensual sex.

info_outline
I tried to pee standing up – Lachlan show art I tried to pee standing up – Lachlan

Good Girls Talk About Sex

Lachlan was born with a vagina. His is the story of how a boy learned to be a girl, then learned to be invisible, then a lesbian, before learning that he could just be who he was all along, except that it’s still … complicated.

info_outline
What’s your favorite kind of touch? show art What’s your favorite kind of touch?

Good Girls Talk About Sex

What kind of touch do you enjoy? Have you thought about the ways, and places? Touch is a many-splendored thing.

info_outline
 
More Episodes

Melissa experienced childhood sexual abuse and is dealing with its long-term impacts. She has a complicated pleasure response and is working on reframing how she views sex after abuse.

Melissa is a 40-year-old, cis-gender female who describes herself as Latina, heterosexual, monogamous, married with 3 boys.  She grew up in the United States and currently lives with her family in Australia.

 

Public Service Announcements:

Sex is not just about the male partner’s ejaculation, and the male partner’s ejaculation is not your job! For more on this, listen to our conversation at 42:05.

 

How Healing Happens:

After childhood sexual abuse, Melissa is determined to keep unpacking her experiences and shaping a sex life that feels like actual fun. She knows she is blessed with a good partner. She’s sought therapy, and pays attention. She just plain wants better. The search for real joy has become her driving force. “I’m all about breaking generational issues! That’s just me!”

 

Here are some of the notable moments she shared with us:

  • 4:15 - Her first memory of sexual pleasure at 16 and having a moment alone that felt differently and purely “good.”
  • 5:50 - Melissa reveals that she experienced childhood trauma around sex.
  • 9:00 - Sex ed (in the 90’s) was mostly watching old (70’s/80’s) videos in school which were biologically oriented. She received a lot of negative messaging around sex—from parents about pregnancy, from her childhood abuse.
  • 15:40 - The repressive effects of growing up Catholic and of childhood sexual trauma continue into college.
  • 17:00 - Her first relationship is with the man who later became her husband; she met him at age 17 in college.
  • 18:10 - She didn’t have sex with her boyfriend initially but the activities they did remind her of something wrong.
  • 18:50 - Melissa describes what it’s like to be energetically divided within the sexual experience by past trauma—part of the brain being devoted to assuring herself she’s safe, and only whatever is left can experience the pleasure.
  • 20:00 - Her boyfriend/husband is the first person she opened up to about the abuse and he suggested getting therapy.
  • 22:50 - She had sex for the first time with her boyfriend (now-husband) 2 years into their relationship.
  • 25:25 - She describes in detail what the body detachment from pleasure was like to experience, and it turns out this is a common trauma response. Also that she performed the acts to please him, not herself.
  • 26:40 - Leah talks about autonomic responses, with or without the experience of actual pleasure.
  • 28:00 - Leah talks about how little girls are socialized into the habit of taking care of others and performing pleasure.
  • 32:50 - Melissa reconciles “ordinary” behaviors with her trauma behaviors, and through trust in her husband she’s able to try new things and through therapy to hold new ideas.
  • 36:00 - Melissa shares her sexual turn-ons.
  • 37:15 - She talks about the impact of timing and motherhood and having to shift mindsets for sex.
  • 38:18 - Sex currently in the marriage is “good” though not “yay” or “joy.”
  • 40:00 - Going to the gym, in addition to therapy, has helped Melissa with health and body image and reaching desired goals while releasing trauma. She’s also trying to consciously transition from thinking of sex as work to thinking of it as fun time.
  • 41:30 - She talks more about what it means to feel like sex is a job.
  • 42:05 – Is it sex if the man doesn’t ejaculate?

 

The Lowdown (45:33)

  • Do you have sex during your period?
  • What’s the approximate number of sex partners you’ve had?
  • Do you prefer clit stimulation or penetration?
  • What is your favorite way to orgasm during sex?

 

 The Patreon extras for this episode are:

  • $5/month – How having kids has affected Melissa’s relationship with her body and with sex
  • $7/month – The extended Lowdown Q&A

 

FACEBOOK GROUP: www.facebook.com/groups/goodgirlstalk

CALL-IN: Want to leave a message for Leah? Call 720-GOOD-SEX (720-466-3739)

PATREON: Become a community supporter at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex

RATE THIS POD: Leave a rating and review at www.ratethispodcast.com/goodgirls

BE A GUEST: Want to be on the show? Visit www.leahcarey.com/guest

COACHING: Want to talk with Leah directly? Visit www.leahcarey.com/coaching

Host – Leah Carey (website, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, email)

Audio Editor – Gretchen Kilby

MusicNazar Rybak