Satan Is a Termite

On this week's Keepin' It Real, Cam sat in a church fundraising meeting and pitched drawing the termites as the devil himself. It did not go over the way he'd hoped. Here's Cam.

 

------

It was a thoughtful meeting. Pensive. Cerebral. We were all leaning over the table with pens poised over paper for important notes to be taken. The church needs your help, they said, and we have a small role for you. I listened as the issues and challenges were made clear, and then I heard myself beginning to speak and thought, "Don't do it. Don't say it." But it was too late. To help the campaign, I suggested, let's personify the termites as Satan. We'll create an image of an evil termite with horns and a long red tail. Termites are Satan. Termites are the devil. The parishioners will get it. Termites are the reason we're asking for money, so they'll certainly understand. And maybe it'll prod them to open their wallets a little more. Fundraising ain't easy and we need a big number. Termites are Satan. Let's own it.

It was meant in jest, kinda. A baby joke that maybe had just a touch of truth to it.

"Well," began the answer in a stunned, silent room, "termites are God's creatures, too."

I scribbled something to react to the silence.

"But are they?" Maybe it's time to rethink that. Our city is inundated with termite damage to churches. I've said many times now that based on the appearance of our church from the street, St. Paul must be the patron saint of scaffolding. And I have to ask if the good Lord, in all his wisdom and magnificence, would create a creature that relishes devouring his houses. Grateful creatures don't consume their father's house. Makes no sense.

  And here's the thing. I read that ninety-nine percent of all the creatures that ever existed on earth are now extinct. The ones we see every day — butterflies, earthworms, stinkbugs — are the rare ones. And I read that Homo sapiens are a micro-fraction of the creatures. Put numerically, we are a one over a one followed by nine zeros – of the creatures that have ever existed. And we think we're so cool. And we are. But God let almost all of them die off. Every one of them. Surely a few of those would've left his houses alone. And yet he let them go extinct and kept the termites. Makes no sense. Makes me wonder if termites aren't the work of Satan after all. I know plenty of homeowners who'd agree, usually while writing a fat check for a termite bond, if they can even find one.

I heard a TV preacher say one time that Satan's greatest trick is convincing us he doesn't exist. Maybe that's the whole gimmick. Get a soft-spoken church fundraising consultant in a quiet room to call the devil one of God's creatures. I'm deeply skeptical of his claim. Heck, come look at the scaffolding.

And if God did make the creature that would devolve into termites, it was late on the sixth day. Tired. Distracted. Not paying attention. He wasn't finished, either. A little while later, same drooping eyelids, same wandering mind, God made the creatures that would devolve into Auburn fans. But that's a topic for another day.

I'm Cam Marston, and I'm just trying to keep it real