loader from loading.io

How to Deal with Your Racist Family + Friends

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

Release Date: 06/22/2020

Let go of the rope and take ownership of your emotions to empower you show art Let go of the rope and take ownership of your emotions to empower you

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

Once you’re aware of your inner critic and emotions and have named them, now your work is to choose how you want to respond to them.

info_outline
Awareness is the Shovel to Dig yourself Out of the Darkness to your Light show art Awareness is the Shovel to Dig yourself Out of the Darkness to your Light

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

In today's episode, I'll show you how to break your habits and really create change by consciously digging yourself out from your imprisoned mind and habits.

info_outline
Appreciation Meditation show art Appreciation Meditation

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

Enjoy this 19 min meditation. The first 6 minutes are talking about how appreciation and gratitude shifts your perspective to pull you out from the nitty-gritty of daily life, heavy emotions, resentment or comparison and elevate your energy to a higher vibration so you can align with what you want to attract and desire in your life.

info_outline
Embody How you Want to Feel Every Day show art Embody How you Want to Feel Every Day

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

When you’re feeling stuck, it’s time to get out of the mind and connect to the stillness and softness of your heart and soul that always speaks the truth.

info_outline
Discover Your Purpose by Asking Better Questions show art Discover Your Purpose by Asking Better Questions

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

Finding your purpose is a huge question.

info_outline
Stop Abandoning Yourself  show art Stop Abandoning Yourself

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

This practice of Ahimsa "non harming" applies to not harming others, as well as stopping our own cycle of suffering that we inflict on ourselves.

info_outline
Life Lessons from Potty Training show art Life Lessons from Potty Training

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

Today’s podcast is about the lessons I learned from potty training my toddler.

info_outline
Visualization Meditation to Deal with Anxiety show art Visualization Meditation to Deal with Anxiety

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

Do you ever feel an undercurrent of anxiety like the fear that the other shoe will drop?

info_outline
Your Story Heals Others show art Your Story Heals Others

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

I want to learn more about you, what you need and how best to show up for you now.

info_outline
Relaxation Meditation show art Relaxation Meditation

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

Welcome to your 10 minute relaxation meditation. This is perfect for listening to just before bed or during the day to help you relax during a break.

info_outline
 
More Episodes

How to deal with your racist family and friends

I was asked by a good friend to do a podcast episode on the topic of how not to get triggered by our racist friends and family. We can all agree that we are a very divided country – we’ve been for a long time. And it doesn’t help that many people cling so tightly to their beliefs, don’t take responsibility and blame others which create a bigger chasm between us.

 

You may think of me as a calm yoga teacher, but I’m a very sensitive and emotional person. I cry a lot and can fly off the handle easily, especially when I deal with people I deem ignorant or mean.  

 

I think that’s why discussing politics, religion, race, sex or anything that is highly emotionally charged can be so confrontational, causing feuds at family gatherings.

 

Right now, we are going through some major historical events:

this global pandemic: those who are worried about health and those who are worried about businesses,

racial protests and riots – those who support black lives and those who support macy’s.

the fight for the rights of LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer) people -- some may totally be on board with equality and others not so much.

 

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but how do we NOT get triggered by those opinions that differ from ours?

 

I hate to break it to you, but you’ll never get rid of triggers, nor will you be able to stop the other person from triggering you.

 

Today on the podcast I’ll share with you 5 ways that help me deal with people who trigger the F out of me and see their different beliefs as portals to my own growth.

 

  1. Triggers are teachers.

In episode 80 I talk all about triggers. Triggers are all around us. We can’t avoid being activated by someone or something.

 

You know you’ve aligned with your ego when you feel inferior or superior to someone else. You’re stuck in comparison or judgement.

 

Rather than pointing the finger and being upset with that person, what are you learning about yourself and about them?

 

Our relationships are direct portals to our wounds,

and

awareness of our triggers can be portals to our growth.

 

If we can view our triggers as our greatest teachers, we can then heal our inner world to affect our outer world.

 

Ironically, we are most often highly triggered by those we care about or are closest to.

 

The challenging work is to watch and witness your thoughts. Most of our thoughts are recycled from our conditioned thinking.

 

We are triggered when the reality is not how we think it should be.

  

When I feel resentment, offended, hurt, or any kind of hot emotion, it’s an opportunity to turn inward, not lash outward.

 

Sit with the sensation so that the boiling emotion comes to a simmer.

 

Trying to avoid the sensation just creates more suffering.

  

In fact, reality has no emotional charge. The present moment is what it is.

An event.

A feeling.

Some words.

An action.

 

It’s us humans that create the emotional charge behind reality. Something about that thing activates something within.

 

Taking responsibility for how you show up and changing your beliefs by watching your thought patterns lead to freedom.

 

Anything that causes you to be in an emotional state is your spiritual teacher.

Invite them in.

 

  1. Detach from the outcome:

How do you detach from the outcome when you’re triggered, hurt and outraged at a friend’s beliefs and actions? It’s hard.

 

This is the work, my friend.

 

Detaching doesn’t mean you avoid the conversation or become numb or check out.

 

One of my favorite quotes is “When you’re upset, don’t eat.” Wait. No. That’s for another episode.

 

My favorite quote by Bryron Katie that I live by, especially when I’m triggered is, "There's your business, Other people's business and God's Business"

 

Most of the time I’m in someone else’s business that’s out of my control.

 

We spend too much energy replaying someone else’s actions and trying to influence someone else’s life, when in reality it’s their life and their choice of how they want to show up. We have no control over them.

 

Detach from the idea of converting anyone. You will never change anyone by forcing your own opinion and criticisms on them.

 

These battles about race, politics, humanity, and equality or any other disagreement are like a game of tug-of-war, where our Egos hold so tightly to what we believe to be true.

 

The more you pull and think you’re right, the harder the other person pulls to prove their right.

 

But…If you let go, you win.

 

The Ego wants to be right. Our heart wants to be understood.

 

  1. Intentionally listening

Ok so if you get that triggers can be teachers and you’re working on letting go, how do you make peace with the other person who is upsetting you?

 

LISTEN. Intentionally listen.

 

Rather than mentally formulating your next objection before the other person has finished their sentence, listen with the intention to hear their view. I know this is hard, especially when steam is fuming out of your ears and your heart is seething with rage. Come back to step 1. Triggers are your teachers. Right now, your teacher is guiding you to generously listen.

 

Instead of speaking AT your friend, speak to what she said so you can have a constructive conversation and learn from both ways vs locking down and having a blowup fight.

 

Just like you have particular beliefs that you’ve learned, she has too.

 

When you can detach from trying to change your friend or family, and can listen to understand their viewpoint and learn their background behind their beliefs, you will learn something about them you never knew.

 

  1. I saw this on @southasians4blacklives and loved this point: Instead of calling them out, call them in

Our Ego wants to be right, by trying to convert them, or point out their flaws and prove why they’re wrong or how they’re a bad person. This only makes the other person defend who they are even harder.

 

No one wants to feel judged, wrong or unimportant.

 

Once you take the tug out of the tug-of-war, they feel seen, understood and significant.

 

Everyone wants that.

 

When they feel seen and heard, they’ll be more open to listening to you too. Their wall to defend themselves has come down a bit, and so has yours.

 

Sometimes they won’t be open or they’re just rude to the core, and, you know what, that’s a different choice (like a long term) choice you may need to make about your relationship and the boundaries you extend to that person.

 

But if they’re in your life to stay, like your good friend or a family member, and if you think they’re a good person and you would like to keep them in your life, why not make it pleasant as possible and stay open to learn from each other.

 

So instead of calling them out, call them in. Rather than pointing out their shortcomings, share with them your personal experiences, your own blind spots and what you have learned that they may not know.

 

By focusing on you and inviting them in to see your vulnerability and transformation, this may help them be less defensive and more open to learning about their own blind spots.

 

Hopefully by staying open and communicating from your heart space of loving on them, instead of your Ego that wants to perfect and prove, they also become teachers and share what they learn with others.

 

  1. See this is as practice


In Sanskrit Svadyaya means “self-study.”

 

The real yoga starts when you leave your mat and get into the world.

 

Each step forward is really just a step deeper into yourself.

 

Every relationship is a mirror to teach us something about yourself.

 

Instead of preaching,

controlling or forcing your opinion,

see these moments of fury as opportunities to stay open,

intentionally listen

so you can learn about the other person

(and about yourself)

and fine tune your communication skills

 

By sharing from your heart,

rather from the Ego,

your light will inspire them to do the same.

 

And if it doesn’t,

then you will have changed

for the better because of it

 

This is the real Yoga.

 

to stay present to the simmer

pause in stillness,

listen with intention to hear both sides,

study yourself so you can know yourself

and speak from your heart

and

be the change you wish to see in the world.

 

I love hearing from you on my blog + instagram! How has this helped you?

 

If it has helped, I appreciate you sharing this with your friends.