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98: It Might Be True, But Should You Say It?

The Remarried Life

Release Date: 07/09/2019

129: Valentines Day Remarriage  Family Traditions show art 129: Valentines Day Remarriage Family Traditions

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talksin this episode about the Valentines Family traditions. Not only should Valentines Day celebrate each other as spouses but should incorporate the kids as well. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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128: Do You Have Voices In Your Head When Arguing With Your Spouse? show art 128: Do You Have Voices In Your Head When Arguing With Your Spouse?

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about how an increase in disagreements and arguing can often be a result of some voices from your childhood. Feeling like you don’t measure up to your spouse or that your spouse does not care often will be magnified because someone in your past either said these things or made you feel this way. We will talk about this and what to do about it. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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127: How to Have the Best Family Meeting show art 127: How to Have the Best Family Meeting

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about the dreaded family meeting. You have all kinds of chaos between your spouse, the ex-kids, the kids, and the stepkids. It probably feels like everyone is being pulled into many directions. Let’s talk about what to do and what not to do in a family meeting. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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126: Heap Burning Coals On Their Heads show art 126: Heap Burning Coals On Their Heads

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about being nice to your family including your stepkids even when you feel like they don’t deserve. Heap burning coals on their heads is a biblical reference to doing kind things for your enemies. The burning coals is supposed to awaken those that you are being nice to how to act differently toward you. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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125: When Your Ex-Spouse's Parenting Style is Different show art 125: When Your Ex-Spouse's Parenting Style is Different

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about what we have all been through and that’s dealing with an ex-spouse who runs a much different family dynamic or parenting style than you. Usually the differences center around the relationship with the children, rules like bedtimes, mealtimes, and homework. We will talk today about how to deal with this situation in the best way possible. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.c

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124: Reduce Screen Time in Your Stepfamily show art 124: Reduce Screen Time in Your Stepfamily

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about how technology, screen time, and social media can secretly and silently destroy your connection with your stepfamily. We will talk about this and some strategies to reduce this as an issue. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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123: Stop Making Assumptions About Your Partner show art 123: Stop Making Assumptions About Your Partner

The Remarried Life

Summary Brian Mayer talks about how the human brain will filter something the eyes see and the ears hear into something that maybe is not really there.  It is called making assumptions.  When we see our spouse say or do something, we will often unknowingly ascribe meanings that may or may not be true.  We will talk about this and what to do instead.  We hope you enjoy today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at Today's Goodies   We all know the old cliché about what assumptions do?  That make a “blank”...

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122: Stepfamily Development – Part 3 The Later Stage show art 122: Stepfamily Development – Part 3 The Later Stage

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer over the next 3 weeks will be talking about the stages of stepfamily development. These stages were developed by Patricia Papernow, Ed.D. We will walk through the early stages in the first episode, the middle stages in the second episode, and the later stages in the third episode of this series. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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121: Stepfamily Development - Part 2 The Middle Stage show art 121: Stepfamily Development - Part 2 The Middle Stage

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer over the next 3 weeks will be talking about the stages of stepfamily development. These stages were developed by Patricia Papernow, Ed.D. The broad view of this series is to understand that there are steps that the life of the stepfamily will take and that patience is needed to see them all unfold. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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120: Stepfamily Development - Part 1 The Early Stage show art 120: Stepfamily Development - Part 1 The Early Stage

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer over the next 3 weeks will be talking about the stages of stepfamily development. These stages were developed by Patricia Papernow, Ed.D. The broad view of this series is to understand that there are steps that the life of the stepfamily will take and that patience is needed to see them all unfold. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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More Episodes

Brian Mayer takes another look at communication.  This episode might be helpful for those of you who have a more direct communication style or were brought up in a home where everybody spoke their mind and no one seemed to care who they offended.  Well now that you are in another relationship, let’s talk about whether or not this is productive.  We hope you enjoy today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

  • Ever heard of the phrase, “would you rather be right or be married?”  All too often we don’t really think too much about this before we let our comments fly. 
  • Often people will respond to this by saying, “well this is just the way I am” or “my partner is just too sensitive” or “I don’t have time for all this dancing around, I just need to get to the answer” 
  • This may have worked in your childhood, this may have even worked in a past relationship, it often works well at work because we get paid to spot problems and to solve them.  In a relationship not everything is a problem that needs to be solved. 
  • Ever heard of the cliché, “when you hold a hammer, everything begins to look like a nail?”  In other words when you view everything through the lens of a problem/solution framework, then you urgently must get things solved. 
  • The problem with this mentality is that this usually slows the process down.  Why is this?  This happens because our partner presents us with something that is bothering them and they are simply looking for emotional connection and not presenting a problem to be solved. 
  • In fact sometimes attempting to solve the problem too quickly actually causes the problem to deepen. 
  • So should we force our opinion when we believe it is true and must be said?  Often the argument around this issue is whether or not the issue itself is true, this is the wrong argument. 
  • Encourage the two of you to stop arguing over whether something is true or not and simply hear the emotions that are being present.  And work to connect with the emotions you are hearing. 
  • Sometimes though this is more difficult because we often hear anger or frustration instead of what underlies that is usually fear or something similar. 
  • So let’s talk about some ways that you can stay away from saying something even if you believe it to be true. 
    • Get curious.  Again as stated earlier, listen for the emotions in your partner and look to connect to them.
    • Ask questions to gain clarity on the emotions and not on the “events.”
    • Show empathy.  Empathy is simply connecting with the feelings in your partner that you have inside of yourself.  So if you hear fear or loneliness think about a time where you felt this way and then express that connection to your partner. 
    • Explore when you are triggered.  A trigger is something inside of you that gets poked when your partner says something to you.  Ask yourself, “why is this so triggering and bothersome?”  What sore spot is this getting to? 
    • Rather than saying something to tear your partner down, how about saying it in a different way.  I once had a male client say that he believed there was nothing wrong with calling his partner “fat” because he said it was true.  Now we could have argued over whether or not that was true, but honestly that is a subjective argument.  Instead, we talked about the appropriateness and also the negative feedback loop that this would generate. 
    • Use humor when appropriate.  This one is tricky because if you use it at the wrong time or too often then it can backfire and you partner may believe that you aren’t really there for them.  But used appropriately can be extremely powerful. 
  • This episode is back to basics and really can apply to your relationship whether or not you are in a subsequent marriage after divorce.  But it is probably more important to us who have been in marriages that have not worked out so that we can begin to work on the patterns that may have gotten us in trouble in the first place.  

Communication comes up over and over again as an issue that we all could continue to work on.  So don’t get up but keep working and take off the problem solving glasses and put on the emotion seeking glasses and your relationship will be better for it for sure.