loader from loading.io

98: It Might Be True, But Should You Say It?

The Remarried Life

Release Date: 07/09/2019

157: Can You Be Friends With Your Ex? show art 157: Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about the possibilities of staying friends with your ex-spouse. And we don’t just mean friends, but can you actually be friends and stay in each other’s lives as friends. After all there are current spouse’s feelings and what the kids may or may not thinking about this to consider. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

info_outline
156: The Rashomon Effect on Your Remarriage show art 156: The Rashomon Effect on Your Remarriage

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about the myth of perception becoming reality. We can often get stuck into believing the way we saw or experienced an event or an issue is the only way or the right way. Today we will talk about the Rashomon effect which is a term often used to describe how eyewitness accounts of an event can often be unreliable. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

info_outline
155: COVID-19 Differences With Your Ex-Spouse show art 155: COVID-19 Differences With Your Ex-Spouse

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about how in this emotionally charged time we live in, how we can best handle differences in beliefs and feelings on the COVID-19 pandemic that could affect our children. This can be extremely difficult to work through especially if you both have rigid beliefs. We will talk about this issue and give some practical help in this area. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

info_outline
154: What is Emotional Infidelity? show art 154: What is Emotional Infidelity?

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks emotional infidelity. This is a very cloudy topic that many people don’t have a good handle on. With physical or sexual infidelity, the issue is very clear because it involves something that can be clearly seen. Today we will talk about how best to understand when this is an issue that needs to be dealt with in your relationship. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

info_outline
153: Put Your Oxygen Mask on First and Take Care Of Yourself show art 153: Put Your Oxygen Mask on First and Take Care Of Yourself

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about taking care of yourself. In a blended family we often get pulled in so many directions that we exhaust ourselves to the point of upset and frustration. This episode to help give you permission to slow down and refresh. I am going to practice this and take a short break from the podcast of about 3 weeks and return refreshed! We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

info_outline
152: Teach Your Blended Family to be Free by Judging Less show art 152: Teach Your Blended Family to be Free by Judging Less

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about how judging others and being critical of others way of being can often lead to feeling of being trapped by your own anger. If you judge others then chances are also high that your bio kids and step kids may also begin to be weighed down by this as well. Today we will talk about freeing the entire family. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

info_outline
151: Remarriage Rehab - Part 3 New Behaviors show art 151: Remarriage Rehab - Part 3 New Behaviors

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer welcomes you to this 3 part series on renovating your remarriage. In part 1, we discuss how to be more aware of past issues that might be driving our reactions. In part 2, I discuss how our thought processes, distortions, and biases play a role in our connection. In part 3 I will discuss implementing new behaviors to complete the renovation. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.co

info_outline
150: Remarriage Rehab - Part 2 Reducing Cognitive Distortions show art 150: Remarriage Rehab - Part 2 Reducing Cognitive Distortions

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer welcomes you to this 3 part series on renovating your remarriage. In part 1, we discuss how to be more aware of past issues that might be driving our reactions. In part 2, I discuss how our thought processes, distortions, and biases play a role in our connection. In part 3 I will discuss implementing new behaviors to complete the renovation. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.co

info_outline
149: Remarriage Rehab Part 1 - Disconnecting From Your Past show art 149: Remarriage Rehab Part 1 - Disconnecting From Your Past

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer welcomes you to this 3 part series on renovating your remarriage. In part 1, we discuss how to be more aware of past issues that might be driving our reactions. In part 2, I discuss how our thought processes, distortions, and biases play a role in our connection. In part 3 I will discuss implementing new behaviors to complete the renovation. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.co

info_outline
148: 3 Easy Steps for Making Big Blended Family Decisions show art 148: 3 Easy Steps for Making Big Blended Family Decisions

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer discusses how big decisions don’t need to be complicated or difficult. Of course sometimes decisions themselves may take some time to weigh out we will talk about 3 steps you should take during the process of making a big decision. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

info_outline
 
More Episodes

Brian Mayer takes another look at communication.  This episode might be helpful for those of you who have a more direct communication style or were brought up in a home where everybody spoke their mind and no one seemed to care who they offended.  Well now that you are in another relationship, let’s talk about whether or not this is productive.  We hope you enjoy today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

  • Ever heard of the phrase, “would you rather be right or be married?”  All too often we don’t really think too much about this before we let our comments fly. 
  • Often people will respond to this by saying, “well this is just the way I am” or “my partner is just too sensitive” or “I don’t have time for all this dancing around, I just need to get to the answer” 
  • This may have worked in your childhood, this may have even worked in a past relationship, it often works well at work because we get paid to spot problems and to solve them.  In a relationship not everything is a problem that needs to be solved. 
  • Ever heard of the cliché, “when you hold a hammer, everything begins to look like a nail?”  In other words when you view everything through the lens of a problem/solution framework, then you urgently must get things solved. 
  • The problem with this mentality is that this usually slows the process down.  Why is this?  This happens because our partner presents us with something that is bothering them and they are simply looking for emotional connection and not presenting a problem to be solved. 
  • In fact sometimes attempting to solve the problem too quickly actually causes the problem to deepen. 
  • So should we force our opinion when we believe it is true and must be said?  Often the argument around this issue is whether or not the issue itself is true, this is the wrong argument. 
  • Encourage the two of you to stop arguing over whether something is true or not and simply hear the emotions that are being present.  And work to connect with the emotions you are hearing. 
  • Sometimes though this is more difficult because we often hear anger or frustration instead of what underlies that is usually fear or something similar. 
  • So let’s talk about some ways that you can stay away from saying something even if you believe it to be true. 
    • Get curious.  Again as stated earlier, listen for the emotions in your partner and look to connect to them.
    • Ask questions to gain clarity on the emotions and not on the “events.”
    • Show empathy.  Empathy is simply connecting with the feelings in your partner that you have inside of yourself.  So if you hear fear or loneliness think about a time where you felt this way and then express that connection to your partner. 
    • Explore when you are triggered.  A trigger is something inside of you that gets poked when your partner says something to you.  Ask yourself, “why is this so triggering and bothersome?”  What sore spot is this getting to? 
    • Rather than saying something to tear your partner down, how about saying it in a different way.  I once had a male client say that he believed there was nothing wrong with calling his partner “fat” because he said it was true.  Now we could have argued over whether or not that was true, but honestly that is a subjective argument.  Instead, we talked about the appropriateness and also the negative feedback loop that this would generate. 
    • Use humor when appropriate.  This one is tricky because if you use it at the wrong time or too often then it can backfire and you partner may believe that you aren’t really there for them.  But used appropriately can be extremely powerful. 
  • This episode is back to basics and really can apply to your relationship whether or not you are in a subsequent marriage after divorce.  But it is probably more important to us who have been in marriages that have not worked out so that we can begin to work on the patterns that may have gotten us in trouble in the first place.  

Communication comes up over and over again as an issue that we all could continue to work on.  So don’t get up but keep working and take off the problem solving glasses and put on the emotion seeking glasses and your relationship will be better for it for sure.