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99: Stepfamily Styles - Which One are You?

The Remarried Life

Release Date: 07/16/2019

131: You Need These Three Types of Blended Family Couples In Your Life show art 131: You Need These Three Types of Blended Family Couples In Your Life

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about the blended family journey and the necessity of seeking out three other couples to walk alongside. Some have referred to having a Paul (a couple ahead of you), a Barnabus (a couple in the same generally area in life) and a Timothy (a couple just a few steps behind). If you can surround yourself with these three types of couples, you can live a more full and complete life. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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130: How to Change Your Mindset Toward Your Blended Family show art 130: How to Change Your Mindset Toward Your Blended Family

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about the one thing we have control over in our blended family. That one thing is how we view what is happening around us. We can choose to think certain ways, but we are going to challenge those thoughts today. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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129: Valentines Day Remarriage  Family Traditions show art 129: Valentines Day Remarriage Family Traditions

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talksin this episode about the Valentines Family traditions. Not only should Valentines Day celebrate each other as spouses but should incorporate the kids as well. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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128: Do You Have Voices In Your Head When Arguing With Your Spouse? show art 128: Do You Have Voices In Your Head When Arguing With Your Spouse?

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about how an increase in disagreements and arguing can often be a result of some voices from your childhood. Feeling like you don’t measure up to your spouse or that your spouse does not care often will be magnified because someone in your past either said these things or made you feel this way. We will talk about this and what to do about it. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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127: How to Have the Best Family Meeting show art 127: How to Have the Best Family Meeting

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about the dreaded family meeting. You have all kinds of chaos between your spouse, the ex-kids, the kids, and the stepkids. It probably feels like everyone is being pulled into many directions. Let’s talk about what to do and what not to do in a family meeting. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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126: Heap Burning Coals On Their Heads show art 126: Heap Burning Coals On Their Heads

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about being nice to your family including your stepkids even when you feel like they don’t deserve. Heap burning coals on their heads is a biblical reference to doing kind things for your enemies. The burning coals is supposed to awaken those that you are being nice to how to act differently toward you. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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125: When Your Ex-Spouse's Parenting Style is Different show art 125: When Your Ex-Spouse's Parenting Style is Different

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about what we have all been through and that’s dealing with an ex-spouse who runs a much different family dynamic or parenting style than you. Usually the differences center around the relationship with the children, rules like bedtimes, mealtimes, and homework. We will talk today about how to deal with this situation in the best way possible. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.c

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124: Reduce Screen Time in Your Stepfamily show art 124: Reduce Screen Time in Your Stepfamily

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about how technology, screen time, and social media can secretly and silently destroy your connection with your stepfamily. We will talk about this and some strategies to reduce this as an issue. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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123: Stop Making Assumptions About Your Partner show art 123: Stop Making Assumptions About Your Partner

The Remarried Life

Summary Brian Mayer talks about how the human brain will filter something the eyes see and the ears hear into something that maybe is not really there.  It is called making assumptions.  When we see our spouse say or do something, we will often unknowingly ascribe meanings that may or may not be true.  We will talk about this and what to do instead.  We hope you enjoy today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at Today's Goodies   We all know the old cliché about what assumptions do?  That make a “blank”...

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122: Stepfamily Development – Part 3 The Later Stage show art 122: Stepfamily Development – Part 3 The Later Stage

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer over the next 3 weeks will be talking about the stages of stepfamily development. These stages were developed by Patricia Papernow, Ed.D. We will walk through the early stages in the first episode, the middle stages in the second episode, and the later stages in the third episode of this series. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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More Episodes

Brian Mayer takes at the different ways we try to bring our stepfamilies together.  Today’s episodes is based on the book called The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal.  In it he describes 5 different ways we attempt to bring our families together.  Five of these he considers unhealthy – Blender, Food Processor, Microwave, Pressure Cooker, and Tossed.  One he considers healthy – Crockpot Cooking.  We hope you enjoy today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

  • There are so many different ways and methods that people have tried to bring stepfamilies and blended families together.  In fact there might just as many ways as there are families. 
  • Today we are going to talk about 6 typical ways that partners try to bring families together in these new circumstances.  These are all based on the book called The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal. 
  • He considers 5 of these to be rather unhealthy and 1 way to be healthy. 
  • Let’s discuss the Unhealthy Styles first:
    • Blender:  This involves whipping everyone together into one mixture and not assuming that each ingredient will relate to the other.  Imagine making fruit smoothie and adding salmon.  Doesn’t sound real good does it?  In this method, teens are treated the same as younger children and each child is viewed the same even though experiences might have been different.
    • Food Processor:  This involves bringing everyone together at rapid speed but that each may begin to feel torn into pieces when things do go right.  Deal talks about attempting to replace a biological father with a stepfather and expecting the children to view the stepfather in the same way. 
    • Microwave:  He talks about this family ignoring the fact that they are a stepfamily, because they feel like it makes them less than so.  There is a fear of not being accepted by others if they only knew that you were a stepfamily.  Not accepting the challenges on a stepfamily can cause issues. 
    • Pressure Cooker:  Great expectations can often cause the lid to blow off.  This one happens when parents put too much pressure on themselves and the kids to make the new stepfamily work.  Deal talks about forcing kids to like a stepparent because the parent likes them and that it will be easier this way.  Forcing someone to like someone else is like, try to climb a pole that has been greased completely with olive oil (to use a another cooking analogy). 
    • Tossed:  This style is like throwing everything in the air and again expecting it to fit together neatly.  Some examples include a revolving door of dating that causes kids no stability or allowing kids that might remain home to disturb a child’s possessions who is gone to the other home, can give a tossed salad feel.    
  • The healthy style is called Crockpot Cooking:
    • Time and Low Heat are essential.  What does this mean?  It means patience and less pressure.  I don’t know about you but slow cooking is about the best way to enjoy food.  All the flavors just ramp up the longer they are allowed to cook.  I think about soups etc also that are heated up the next day that taste even better. 
    • Don’t Rush.  Allow time for everyone to settle in.  You may have heard before, but sometimes it can many years for a blended family to settle in and sometimes it never fully happens. 
    • Low Heat may mean spending time with kids especially doing things they like to.  This could mean that every child has something different they enjoy so you may need to work to carve out more 1:1 time with them to help them blend well. 
  • Hope you have enjoyed some thoughts on what to do and what not to do when it comes to blending a family. 
  • Don’t give up hope and most of all don’t give into the myths that this thing we call blending is supposed to work quickly and easily.  

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Thanks For Listening!

  • With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode. 
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As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.