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101: Married Again, But Still Grieving Divorce?

The Remarried Life

Release Date: 07/30/2019

129: Valentines Day Remarriage  Family Traditions show art 129: Valentines Day Remarriage Family Traditions

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talksin this episode about the Valentines Family traditions. Not only should Valentines Day celebrate each other as spouses but should incorporate the kids as well. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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128: Do You Have Voices In Your Head When Arguing With Your Spouse? show art 128: Do You Have Voices In Your Head When Arguing With Your Spouse?

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about how an increase in disagreements and arguing can often be a result of some voices from your childhood. Feeling like you don’t measure up to your spouse or that your spouse does not care often will be magnified because someone in your past either said these things or made you feel this way. We will talk about this and what to do about it. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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127: How to Have the Best Family Meeting show art 127: How to Have the Best Family Meeting

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about the dreaded family meeting. You have all kinds of chaos between your spouse, the ex-kids, the kids, and the stepkids. It probably feels like everyone is being pulled into many directions. Let’s talk about what to do and what not to do in a family meeting. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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126: Heap Burning Coals On Their Heads show art 126: Heap Burning Coals On Their Heads

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about being nice to your family including your stepkids even when you feel like they don’t deserve. Heap burning coals on their heads is a biblical reference to doing kind things for your enemies. The burning coals is supposed to awaken those that you are being nice to how to act differently toward you. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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125: When Your Ex-Spouse's Parenting Style is Different show art 125: When Your Ex-Spouse's Parenting Style is Different

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about what we have all been through and that’s dealing with an ex-spouse who runs a much different family dynamic or parenting style than you. Usually the differences center around the relationship with the children, rules like bedtimes, mealtimes, and homework. We will talk today about how to deal with this situation in the best way possible. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.c

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124: Reduce Screen Time in Your Stepfamily show art 124: Reduce Screen Time in Your Stepfamily

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about how technology, screen time, and social media can secretly and silently destroy your connection with your stepfamily. We will talk about this and some strategies to reduce this as an issue. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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123: Stop Making Assumptions About Your Partner show art 123: Stop Making Assumptions About Your Partner

The Remarried Life

Summary Brian Mayer talks about how the human brain will filter something the eyes see and the ears hear into something that maybe is not really there.  It is called making assumptions.  When we see our spouse say or do something, we will often unknowingly ascribe meanings that may or may not be true.  We will talk about this and what to do instead.  We hope you enjoy today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at Today's Goodies   We all know the old cliché about what assumptions do?  That make a “blank”...

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122: Stepfamily Development – Part 3 The Later Stage show art 122: Stepfamily Development – Part 3 The Later Stage

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer over the next 3 weeks will be talking about the stages of stepfamily development. These stages were developed by Patricia Papernow, Ed.D. We will walk through the early stages in the first episode, the middle stages in the second episode, and the later stages in the third episode of this series. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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121: Stepfamily Development - Part 2 The Middle Stage show art 121: Stepfamily Development - Part 2 The Middle Stage

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer over the next 3 weeks will be talking about the stages of stepfamily development. These stages were developed by Patricia Papernow, Ed.D. The broad view of this series is to understand that there are steps that the life of the stepfamily will take and that patience is needed to see them all unfold. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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120: Stepfamily Development - Part 1 The Early Stage show art 120: Stepfamily Development - Part 1 The Early Stage

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer over the next 3 weeks will be talking about the stages of stepfamily development. These stages were developed by Patricia Papernow, Ed.D. The broad view of this series is to understand that there are steps that the life of the stepfamily will take and that patience is needed to see them all unfold. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about a rather common issue of not fully being emotionally past a divorce and past marriage even after you have married currently.  Grieving is a process and is difficult and mostly impossible to stop or speed up.  We will talk about ways to cope with this issue to lessen the burden on you are you current spouse.  We hope you enjoy today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

  • When something painful happens we all must go through the grieving process.  For some it starts immediately and progresses quickly.  For others it stops and starts and feels very slow.  Unfortunately, it is complicated and there are lots of factors at play when it comes to this issue.  They include:
    • How long ago did the divorce occur?  This one is pretty obvious but bears discussing that they less time between divorce and remarriage the higher likelihood you will be grieving in some way. 
    • Who initiated the divorce?  Often if you initiated it, it means you had more time to grieve even while still married.  If you were blindsided or somewhat unaware then the process takes longer.
    • How have you moved through significant troubling events in the past?  These can include death of loved ones, legal troubles, serious health issues, or job loss just to name a few. 
    • Your age at time of divorce can also play a role.  Sometimes but not always if you are older and have more life experiences the grieving process can move more quickly.
    • How are the other parts of your life operating?  How you are doing financially, your relationships with others, stress from raising kids, stress from a job can all interrupt the grieving process.     
  • So then what are the stages of grieving?  Before we talk about this remember that the grieving process is not linear meaning that you can bounce back and forth through the stages.  Usually though the more return to past stages, the more it will hopefully speed up the next time through. 
    • Denial:  I can’t or don’t believe this is happening. 
    • Anger:  Once the numb wears off this emotion will usually flood in
    • Bargaining:  This is the stage where we ask “what if questions.”  What if I had been home more? What if I had not been so angry all the time?
    • Depression:  After we realize there either is nothing we could have done or that it doesn’t matter, then sometimes great sadness sets in.
    • Acceptance:  At this stage, we can sometimes feel we have accepted things and then slip back but eventually this will take hold completely. 
  • So what can you do as you work through your grieving of a past relationship even while married again? 
    • Don’t believe the myth that you can speed up grieving
    • Don’t believe the myth that there is a timeline
    • Know that you are not less of a human for not feeling strong enough.  All humans go through this process. 
    • If you feel comfortable discuss this with your current spouse.  If trust and commitment are strong with each of you then it should be a good discussion. 
    • Talk to others who might be experiencing this now or have in the past. 

Resources:

  • None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

  • With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode. 
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As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.