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111: Affairs and Betrayals: Part 1 – Stopping and Assessing

The Remarried Life

Release Date: 10/08/2019

131: You Need These Three Types of Blended Family Couples In Your Life show art 131: You Need These Three Types of Blended Family Couples In Your Life

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about the blended family journey and the necessity of seeking out three other couples to walk alongside. Some have referred to having a Paul (a couple ahead of you), a Barnabus (a couple in the same generally area in life) and a Timothy (a couple just a few steps behind). If you can surround yourself with these three types of couples, you can live a more full and complete life. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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130: How to Change Your Mindset Toward Your Blended Family show art 130: How to Change Your Mindset Toward Your Blended Family

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about the one thing we have control over in our blended family. That one thing is how we view what is happening around us. We can choose to think certain ways, but we are going to challenge those thoughts today. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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129: Valentines Day Remarriage  Family Traditions show art 129: Valentines Day Remarriage Family Traditions

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talksin this episode about the Valentines Family traditions. Not only should Valentines Day celebrate each other as spouses but should incorporate the kids as well. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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128: Do You Have Voices In Your Head When Arguing With Your Spouse? show art 128: Do You Have Voices In Your Head When Arguing With Your Spouse?

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about how an increase in disagreements and arguing can often be a result of some voices from your childhood. Feeling like you don’t measure up to your spouse or that your spouse does not care often will be magnified because someone in your past either said these things or made you feel this way. We will talk about this and what to do about it. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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127: How to Have the Best Family Meeting show art 127: How to Have the Best Family Meeting

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about the dreaded family meeting. You have all kinds of chaos between your spouse, the ex-kids, the kids, and the stepkids. It probably feels like everyone is being pulled into many directions. Let’s talk about what to do and what not to do in a family meeting. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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126: Heap Burning Coals On Their Heads show art 126: Heap Burning Coals On Their Heads

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about being nice to your family including your stepkids even when you feel like they don’t deserve. Heap burning coals on their heads is a biblical reference to doing kind things for your enemies. The burning coals is supposed to awaken those that you are being nice to how to act differently toward you. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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125: When Your Ex-Spouse's Parenting Style is Different show art 125: When Your Ex-Spouse's Parenting Style is Different

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about what we have all been through and that’s dealing with an ex-spouse who runs a much different family dynamic or parenting style than you. Usually the differences center around the relationship with the children, rules like bedtimes, mealtimes, and homework. We will talk today about how to deal with this situation in the best way possible. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.c

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124: Reduce Screen Time in Your Stepfamily show art 124: Reduce Screen Time in Your Stepfamily

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about how technology, screen time, and social media can secretly and silently destroy your connection with your stepfamily. We will talk about this and some strategies to reduce this as an issue. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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123: Stop Making Assumptions About Your Partner show art 123: Stop Making Assumptions About Your Partner

The Remarried Life

Summary Brian Mayer talks about how the human brain will filter something the eyes see and the ears hear into something that maybe is not really there.  It is called making assumptions.  When we see our spouse say or do something, we will often unknowingly ascribe meanings that may or may not be true.  We will talk about this and what to do instead.  We hope you enjoy today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at Today's Goodies   We all know the old cliché about what assumptions do?  That make a “blank”...

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122: Stepfamily Development – Part 3 The Later Stage show art 122: Stepfamily Development – Part 3 The Later Stage

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer over the next 3 weeks will be talking about the stages of stepfamily development. These stages were developed by Patricia Papernow, Ed.D. We will walk through the early stages in the first episode, the middle stages in the second episode, and the later stages in the third episode of this series. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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More Episodes

Summary
Brian Mayer talks about affairs.  These are also known as betrayals of trust and infidelity.  We will concentrate on the infidelity with other people, but betrayals can include other things such as financial betrayals as well.  Unfortunately affairs are all too common in our world today, which is why we are devoted 3 episodes to this issue.  The series will consist of talking about assessing and turning from the damage, demolishing your current marriage, and constructing a new relationship.    We hope you enjoy today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

  • Affairs are prevalent in society today.  The percentage varies but usually most show anywhere between 20-40% of men will have an affair of some sort during their lifetime and about 20-25% of women will.  So think about that for a moment either you or partner may have engaged in this and if not then most likely of the next 4 people you meet, 1 probably has had an affair. 
  • Serious betrayals of trust can take a long time to heal from as some studies suggest it could take at least 18 months and in some couples I have seen it might take years unfortunately. 
  • We are in part 1 of our series on affairs today.  We will talk about the aftermath and the turn that needs to take place in part 1 today (episode 111), the demolition of old ways of doing this in part 2 (episode 112), and the new construction that needs to take place in your relationship in part 3 (episode 113).
  • So now that affair has happened and been discovered now what?  Let’s talk about some best practices if you will to think about in stage 1. 
    • Ending the relationship with the other person is the first step.  If this is not done then there will be no ability to move forward.
    • If the relationship has ended, but the betrayer is still having thoughts and/or vocalizing thoughts of this other person and being with them, these also must be dealt with in some manner. 
    • The betrayer must also come clean with everything and be very detailed.  This must include things like times and places with the other person.  It should also include things like being open to talking about times when the betrayer lied to the betrayed partner. 
    • One exception to talking about all the details is that most experts agree that talking about the specific details of sexual encounters and also specifics about texting should not take place.  There are studies that show that this can increase the PTSD type effects in the betrayed partner.   
    • The betrayer should also work to eliminate defensiveness when approached or asked questions about what happened and about even things going on in the present that the betrayed partner is asking about.  Defensiveness while understandable as a protective measure driven from fear but it actually hinders forward progress. 
    • The betrayed partner should pay lots of attention to the emotion of anger.  Anger is a forward propelling emotion and can often lead to things like rage which are also counterproductive.  Of course anger is an emotion just like the fear that the betrayer has, but if it goes to far can also hinder healing. 

 

  • This initial stage is unfortunately going to filled with lots of stepping in wrong ways.  There will be days of forward movement, days of no movement and some days of backward movement.  The key is to hang in there and slowly better days are usually around the corner.   
  • Up next part 2 – Demolishing the Current Marriage and then part 3 Constructing the New Relationship

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Thanks For Listening!

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As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.