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151: Remarriage Rehab - Part 3 New Behaviors

The Remarried Life

Release Date: 07/14/2020

162:  Stop Trying to Change What Goes on in the Other House show art 162: Stop Trying to Change What Goes on in the Other House

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about how often we want our ex-spouse to change how they handle all sorts of issues from dinner time, to bedtimes, to homework versus play time, and on the list goes. However, we can often find this doesn’t really get us anywhere and just leaves us more and more frustrated. We will talk about this issue in the life of blended families. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.c

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161:  Remarriage and Mental Health show art 161: Remarriage and Mental Health

The Remarried Life

Summary

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160: Do the Opposite in Your Remarriage For One Week show art 160: Do the Opposite in Your Remarriage For One Week

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about doing the same things over and over again sometimes doesn’t produce the result we want in our blended family. So let’s take a look at everything we are doing that is not working and do the opposite for one week. Let’s call it an experiment. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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159: Have You Fallen Out of Love or Is It Something Else? show art 159: Have You Fallen Out of Love or Is It Something Else?

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about how the longer we stay in a relationship we can often wonder the changes in how we feel toward our partner mean we don’t love them any longer or is it that we have just moved into a different stage of relationship. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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158: Are You Only Staying in Your Marriage for the Kids? show art 158: Are You Only Staying in Your Marriage for the Kids?

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about staying in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage because you don’t want your kids and stepkids to have to deal with another life altering change. Look I clearly get why you would do this and feel this but ultimately is it the right thing to do? We will talk about this important subject for blended families today. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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157: Can You Be Friends With Your Ex? show art 157: Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about the possibilities of staying friends with your ex-spouse. And we don’t just mean friends, but can you actually be friends and stay in each other’s lives as friends. After all there are current spouse’s feelings and what the kids may or may not thinking about this to consider. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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156: The Rashomon Effect on Your Remarriage show art 156: The Rashomon Effect on Your Remarriage

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about the myth of perception becoming reality. We can often get stuck into believing the way we saw or experienced an event or an issue is the only way or the right way. Today we will talk about the Rashomon effect which is a term often used to describe how eyewitness accounts of an event can often be unreliable. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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155: COVID-19 Differences With Your Ex-Spouse show art 155: COVID-19 Differences With Your Ex-Spouse

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about how in this emotionally charged time we live in, how we can best handle differences in beliefs and feelings on the COVID-19 pandemic that could affect our children. This can be extremely difficult to work through especially if you both have rigid beliefs. We will talk about this issue and give some practical help in this area. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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154: What is Emotional Infidelity? show art 154: What is Emotional Infidelity?

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks emotional infidelity. This is a very cloudy topic that many people don’t have a good handle on. With physical or sexual infidelity, the issue is very clear because it involves something that can be clearly seen. Today we will talk about how best to understand when this is an issue that needs to be dealt with in your relationship. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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153: Put Your Oxygen Mask on First and Take Care Of Yourself show art 153: Put Your Oxygen Mask on First and Take Care Of Yourself

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about taking care of yourself. In a blended family we often get pulled in so many directions that we exhaust ourselves to the point of upset and frustration. This episode to help give you permission to slow down and refresh. I am going to practice this and take a short break from the podcast of about 3 weeks and return refreshed! We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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More Episodes

Brian Mayer welcomes you to this 3 part series on renovating your remarriage.  In part 1, we discuss how to be more aware of past issues that might be driving our reactions.  In part 2, we discuss how our thought processes, distortions, and biases play a role in our connection.  In part 3 we will discuss implementing new behaviors to complete the renovation.  We hope you are inspired by today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

  • Getting married again is not easy.  In fact I would say it is probably much more difficult to sustain a good marriage the next time around than it was the first time.  We often think we have learned from our mistakes and will do better the next time, but that is more often not the case. 
  • You may be even in another marriage that feels like it is heading in the wrong direction or even getting close to divorce.  Again you are not alone and this is an extremely common place to be. 
  • In this 3 part series, that we are calling Remarriage Rehab we are going to talk through steps to help get your remarriage not only back on track but pushed to a much healthier place than you ever thought it could go. 
  • Now a couple of thoughts before we jump in today’s session.  It was be highly beneficial if both you and your partner listened to these episodes together because you will get to your destination if you both are paddling together.  Of course marriages and relationship can change with just one person paddling, but it can be a bit of a slower process. 
  • Secondly, if you are dealing any kind of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse then your safety of course trumps any of what we are going to talk about in this series.  So if that is the case, I want you to address any safety issues first but getting help from the appropriate authorities first. 
  • All this being said, if your safety is assured then hopefully what we discuss over the next 3 sessions will be simple yet extremely powerful in moving you remarriage to a more healthy place. 
  • In Remarriage Rehab Part 3, we will talk today about installing some new behaviors.  Since we have discussed disconnecting from our past in Part 1 and changing cognitive distortions in Part 2, we are now ready to do something different.    
  • You hear me talk all the time that thoughts and emotions often drive behaviors.  So we cannot get to the behaviors without discussing the thoughts and emotions that underlie them first and we have done that through this series. 
  • And when we say behaviors, I am really taking about new and different actions.  I say at the end of every episode that marriage is not something you have, it’s something you do.  And so that means we can’t just become complacent, we have to things in order for our marriage to grow. 
  • Think of your marriage like a garden that blooms beautiful flowers or vegetables.  There are all sorts of things that must be done to get you that harvest. 
    • Find the right location for the garden.  Is shade, sun, or a combination?
    • Research when is the best time to plant and when is the best time to harvest. 
    • How deep and how far apart should the plants be from each other. 
    • What kind and how much fertilizer is needed.
    • How much watering and when is the best time, morning, afternoon, evening, or overnight
    • How often should the soil be manipulated. 
    • How should weeding happen.
  • So you get the idea that A LOT needs to happen to get the garden to the right place of harvesting that amazing bumper crop.  The same for a marriage, in that you not only need to come to grips with your past, change your thinking, and also create new habits. 
  • I would like to recommend a couple of good books to do just that.  One is called The Love Dare and the other is called The Respect Dare.  Not to be too gender biased, but it is often said that women usually respond to acts of love and men respond to the acts showing respect.  The link for both books is noted below in the Resource section. 
  • The premise of both books is that we should be doing small but consistent positive actions toward our spouse with one key.  That key is that we should be doing them even we were are getting nothing in return.  The general concensus is that you must likely will get something positive in return for these small consistent actions you are taking but it could take awhile. 
  • So let’s talk about 3 examples that you could implement today from each of these books: 
  • From the Love Dare:
  • “Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.”
  • “Think of a specific way you’d like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.”
  • “Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home. Think of one area where your spouse has told you you’re expecting too much, and tell them you’re sorry for being so hard on them about it. Promise them you’ll seek to understand, and assure them of your unconditional love.”
  • From The Respect Dare:
    • “Today I will refrain from making sure my husband knows how to do things my way.”
    • “Today I will begin conversations with silence and not immediately reacting to show that I am willing to move toward a response versus a reaction.”
    • “Today I will constantly work to rephrase something from negative to a positive.  For example instead of saying, “thanks for not yelling at me,” you could say “thanks for being so gentle in your responses.” 
  • These are just a few examples of how you can work to change your actions or behaviors to start to change your remarriage. 
  • You might even have some of your own that work well.  I always says do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.  

  

 Resources:

 

Thanks For Listening!

  • With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode. 
  • If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
  • The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​

As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.