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156: The Rashomon Effect on Your Remarriage

The Remarried Life

Release Date: 09/08/2020

162:  Stop Trying to Change What Goes on in the Other House show art 162: Stop Trying to Change What Goes on in the Other House

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about how often we want our ex-spouse to change how they handle all sorts of issues from dinner time, to bedtimes, to homework versus play time, and on the list goes. However, we can often find this doesn’t really get us anywhere and just leaves us more and more frustrated. We will talk about this issue in the life of blended families. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.c

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161:  Remarriage and Mental Health show art 161: Remarriage and Mental Health

The Remarried Life

Summary

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160: Do the Opposite in Your Remarriage For One Week show art 160: Do the Opposite in Your Remarriage For One Week

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about doing the same things over and over again sometimes doesn’t produce the result we want in our blended family. So let’s take a look at everything we are doing that is not working and do the opposite for one week. Let’s call it an experiment. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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159: Have You Fallen Out of Love or Is It Something Else? show art 159: Have You Fallen Out of Love or Is It Something Else?

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about how the longer we stay in a relationship we can often wonder the changes in how we feel toward our partner mean we don’t love them any longer or is it that we have just moved into a different stage of relationship. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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158: Are You Only Staying in Your Marriage for the Kids? show art 158: Are You Only Staying in Your Marriage for the Kids?

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about staying in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage because you don’t want your kids and stepkids to have to deal with another life altering change. Look I clearly get why you would do this and feel this but ultimately is it the right thing to do? We will talk about this important subject for blended families today. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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157: Can You Be Friends With Your Ex? show art 157: Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about the possibilities of staying friends with your ex-spouse. And we don’t just mean friends, but can you actually be friends and stay in each other’s lives as friends. After all there are current spouse’s feelings and what the kids may or may not thinking about this to consider. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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156: The Rashomon Effect on Your Remarriage show art 156: The Rashomon Effect on Your Remarriage

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about the myth of perception becoming reality. We can often get stuck into believing the way we saw or experienced an event or an issue is the only way or the right way. Today we will talk about the Rashomon effect which is a term often used to describe how eyewitness accounts of an event can often be unreliable. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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155: COVID-19 Differences With Your Ex-Spouse show art 155: COVID-19 Differences With Your Ex-Spouse

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about how in this emotionally charged time we live in, how we can best handle differences in beliefs and feelings on the COVID-19 pandemic that could affect our children. This can be extremely difficult to work through especially if you both have rigid beliefs. We will talk about this issue and give some practical help in this area. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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154: What is Emotional Infidelity? show art 154: What is Emotional Infidelity?

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks emotional infidelity. This is a very cloudy topic that many people don’t have a good handle on. With physical or sexual infidelity, the issue is very clear because it involves something that can be clearly seen. Today we will talk about how best to understand when this is an issue that needs to be dealt with in your relationship. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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153: Put Your Oxygen Mask on First and Take Care Of Yourself show art 153: Put Your Oxygen Mask on First and Take Care Of Yourself

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about taking care of yourself. In a blended family we often get pulled in so many directions that we exhaust ourselves to the point of upset and frustration. This episode to help give you permission to slow down and refresh. I am going to practice this and take a short break from the podcast of about 3 weeks and return refreshed! We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about the myth of perception becoming reality.  We can often get stuck into believing the way we saw or experienced an event or an issue is the only way or the right way.  Not giving validity to our partner’s experience can often cause issues.  Today we will talk about the Rashomon effect which is a term often used to describe how eyewitness accounts of an event can often be unreliable.  We hope you are inspired by today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

  • Have you ever gotten into an argument with your spouse over an event that happened, each stating your case only to be unheard because your partner had another story about what happened?   
  • No doubt this is extremely common and happens in every relationship to some degree or another. 
  • This can happen with very mild events for example over the way you saw another couple interacting with each other.   One of you might say you saw the couple arguing and the other might say you saw simple dialogue that lacked conflict. 
  • Maybe you see at a dinner party, someone give a strange glance.  One of you might point out the odd glance, where your partner might say they were also watching and saw nothing. 
  • These differences are going happen and are usually not the source of difficulty but it can become such when one or both of you become very rigid that yours in the only way to see something. 
  • There is also something at play called The Rashomon effect.  This is described as the unreliability of eyewitness accounts to something that has been seen. It is often talked about in conjunction with people describing a crime that they witness especially when it comes to details about the perpetrator or the details of what happened. 
  • Stories of one person describing the criminal as short, bearded and wearing a red jacket versus someone tall, clean shaven and wearing a black shirt with no jacket are very common. 
  • Ever heard of the parable of “Blind Men and the Elephant”?  Each blind man touches a single part of the large elephant and the describes what they think the elephant is like.  One man who is touch the fuzzy end of the tail describes it as a mouse, the man touching the ear describes that elephant like a fan, the man touching a leg says the elephant is like a tree trunk, the man touching the tusk might say it is like a snake. 
  • So then the question becomes, who is right?  Well in some ways they are all right and yet all wrong.  They are right in connecting their very limited touch of an elephant to something that makes complete sense, but in other aspects they are completely wrong because the small piece that they touched is not the totality of what an elephant is. 
  • This dynamic is certainly at play in our most beloved relationship and that is the dating or married relationship.  The longer we are together the more often we are going to run into the scenarios.  So why do these differences occur? 
    • Our past including what we went through as a child
    • Our personality which is how we have been wired at birth
    • The state of our current relationships which is more about just our present experiences or those things that are top of mind. 
  • So what do we do with these differences?  Here are some suggestions:
    • Maybe the most important thing is to DO NOTHING.  Let me explain.  What I mean here is to simply let these differences exist and not work so hard to have to change them.  There are some exceptions to this doing nothing which I will explain in a moment. 
    • Be open minded to another way.  You don’t know everything.  The only one who does is God. 
    • Slow down and investigate the other side that you are being presented.  We often don’t do a very good job in slowing down to hear what another side because we are too busy thinking about how we might respond to someone else. 
    • Watch the harshness of tone or edge in your voice when talking about an issue.  It is often unseen but changes in your physiology can become like a magnet for drawing your partner into escalating by matching your intensity. 
  • Now let’s talk about some exceptions and things to do:
    • Do you feel like you are being emotionally abused through things like pathological lying or narcissism?  If you are then you should not have to continue to simply accept the other person’s point of view if they are saying you are crazy or out of your mind? 
    • If this is the case, then you should really take stock of your relationship and decide on some boundaries such as “I won’t accept that behavior any longer and if it continues it may mean our relationship will end.”  Obviously complicated and not easy. 
  • I hope this has been helpful in understanding some different perspectives and how to be more accepting of those.   

 Resources:

  • None

Thanks For Listening!

  • With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode. 
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As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.