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160: Do the Opposite in Your Remarriage For One Week

The Remarried Life

Release Date: 10/06/2020

166: Her Needs - Love show art 166: Her Needs - Love

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer discusses her needs and his needs in this two part series. It is true that often women desire to be loved and men desire to be respected. But what do those two things actually mean. We will talk about this today so that you can start giving more of what your spouse really needs in your relationship. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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165: A Time For Healing show art 165: A Time For Healing

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer discusses how hurt, hate and wounds can create division in a family and in a society. We will talk about this and also some things we can do as individuals to help heal past relationships, current family situations, and maybe help society as a whole in the process. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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164: Do You Support Each Other's Goals? show art 164: Do You Support Each Other's Goals?

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer discusses individual goals that you each may have and whether or not you feel supported in those goals. Sometimes goals don’t align very well but if we can be respectful of each other in the process of discussing these goals then all the more better. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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163: Are You a Politically Mismatched Couple? show art 163: Are You a Politically Mismatched Couple?

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about times have changed where the politics of the day have become much about how much hate and venom we can spew at one another. Are you and your spouse politically mismatched? Let’s talk about this today and some ways to handle keeping the powder keg from exploding. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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162:  Stop Trying to Change What Goes on in the Other House show art 162: Stop Trying to Change What Goes on in the Other House

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about how often we want our ex-spouse to change how they handle all sorts of issues from dinner time, to bedtimes, to homework versus play time, and on the list goes. However, we can often find this doesn’t really get us anywhere and just leaves us more and more frustrated. We will talk about this issue in the life of blended families. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.c

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161:  Remarriage and Mental Health show art 161: Remarriage and Mental Health

The Remarried Life

Summary

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160: Do the Opposite in Your Remarriage For One Week show art 160: Do the Opposite in Your Remarriage For One Week

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about doing the same things over and over again sometimes doesn’t produce the result we want in our blended family. So let’s take a look at everything we are doing that is not working and do the opposite for one week. Let’s call it an experiment. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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159: Have You Fallen Out of Love or Is It Something Else? show art 159: Have You Fallen Out of Love or Is It Something Else?

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about how the longer we stay in a relationship we can often wonder the changes in how we feel toward our partner mean we don’t love them any longer or is it that we have just moved into a different stage of relationship. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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158: Are You Only Staying in Your Marriage for the Kids? show art 158: Are You Only Staying in Your Marriage for the Kids?

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about staying in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage because you don’t want your kids and stepkids to have to deal with another life altering change. Look I clearly get why you would do this and feel this but ultimately is it the right thing to do? We will talk about this important subject for blended families today. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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157: Can You Be Friends With Your Ex? show art 157: Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about the possibilities of staying friends with your ex-spouse. And we don’t just mean friends, but can you actually be friends and stay in each other’s lives as friends. After all there are current spouse’s feelings and what the kids may or may not thinking about this to consider. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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More Episodes

Brian Mayer talks about doing the same things over and over again sometimes doesn’t produce the result we want in our blended family.  So let’s take a look at everything we are doing that is not working and do the opposite for one week.  Let’s call it an experiment.  We hope you are inspired by today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

  • When we are remarried and in blended families everything doesn’t go right all the time and in fact sometimes it’s the same things that don’t go well over and over again that are the most troublesome
  • But we get into a rut or we just remain unaware that our actions aren’t producing anything different.  We all do this and yes of course I do this too. 
  • For example maybe getting angry over and over again at the kids for not knowing how to do something happens all the time. 
  • Or maybe in a fight or argument with your spouse, you tend to keep pushing because your spouse shuts down and won’t talk
  • Or how about you clam up around your spouse’s family because they upset you.  Then when you are alone you get upset at your spouse for not sticking up for you. 
  • These three situations I just described are situations that possibly keep occurring over and over again.  The results can tend to be the same.  Hurt feelings, disconnection and a further drift away from the family you want and hope for.
  • So what do we do?  Well let’s take a look at a couple of people who thought that doing different might work better. 
    • Albert Einstein is often credited with coining the phrase, “Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results is the definition of insanity.”
    • Remember the television show Seinfeld?  Remember the episode where George decided to do the opposite?  George could never seem to get the girl by inflating his situation to be better than it seemed.  For example, he would talk about how much money he made, what kind of wonderful job he had, or the beautiful apartment he had only to have women shrug him off.  However, when he was honest and told them he was jobless and living in his parent’s basement, then women started to take notice.  
    • A couples researcher named Sue Johnson who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy did the opposite of what many of the people who came before or even her peers did.  She focused on emotional connection rather than behaviors that one must perform.  Most laughed at her, but now her theory to help couples has been proven in research to work the best. 
  • These are really just a few examples of people that said things differently or acted differently to achieve some different results. 
  • I would like for one week to take a look at everything we are doing in our remarriage and blended family.  Assess those things that you do over and over again that don’t work too well.  And let’s think about doing the opposite. 
  • Now let’s only take 3 things at the very most.  We can’t change everything over night and if we tried we would all fail.  So I want you to concentrate on only a few things. 
  • Step 1:  Get out a piece of paper and write down every area that you can think of that is not going how you would like it in your blended family. 
  • Step 2:  Assess the urgent areas and the areas that you think you can change rather quickly and easily. 
  • Step 3:  Work to hone the list down to 3 areas that you would like to focus on. 
  • Step 4:  Think about the role you play or the actions you perform in this situation that might have an impact on what result happens. 
  • Step 5:  Brainstorm some actions that are the OPPOSITE of what you normally do. 
  • Step 6:  Pick one of those different actions to try for the week. 
  • Step 7:  Assess your progress in the middle of the week.  Are you noticing a difference in how you are feeling?  How your spouse or kids are feeling?  Are the results any different?   
  • Step 8:  Keep doing the same action and don’t give up just yet and maybe don’t worry about tweaking.  Sometimes we try something for a brief period and think it doesn’t work so we give up.  Don’t do this! 
  • Step 9:  Assess at the end of one week.  How is it now?  I would even resist the temptation to change at the end of one week and to keep doing it differently if you can. 
  • Step 10:  At some point reveal to your spouse or kids that you were trying something different and ask them if they noticed?  Hopefully they did notice and if not don’t give up to continue to do something different. 
  • I hope this episode gives you some practical tips to help to change the air or dynamic in your remarried life for the better. 

 Resources:

  • None

Thanks For Listening!

  • With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode. 
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As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.