She's a Foster Parent, How Do I Support Her? -Jillana Goble #13

What is it like to be a foster care provider? Often we think about the heartache that must come with returning a child to their biological parent... Jillana Goble shares with us the grief and the hope. If you are a foster parent, my hope is you will feel seen in this upcoming episode. If you love someone who is a foster parent, I hope you will walk away with practical ways you can support them.

 

Jillana Goble has been a foster mom, biological mom, and adoptive mom—in that order—since 2003. She is a connector and a collaborator who has walked an unlikely path in creating unprecedented relationship with the children who have walked through her front door, their biological families, and with the Oregon Department of Human Services Child Welfare. She founded Embrace Oregon, which is the catalyst for Every Child Oregon, a robust engagement model bridging the community and foster care.

 

Jillana holds a Masters Degree in Teaching. She is a sought after speaker on various topics around foster care, government/community partnership, adoption, special needs, grief, and hope.  She continues to mentor and walk alongside countless foster parents navigating this journey.

 

Jillana and her husband, Luke, got married in 2000. They have two biological daughters and two sons that they fostered and later adopted. They were also reunited with their first son in foster care after over a decade apart. They are joyfully called “Auntie” & “Papa” by another child in foster care who has lived with them twice.

 

When not engaging with her family, Jillana enjoys drinking coffee with friends—half filled with cream—at neighborhood coffee shops. Her favorite things include leaning in to engage others’ real deal stories, walking her sweet yet stubborn labradoodle around her city block, and reading in the tub way too late at night. 

 

00:23:22 Why Jillana started Embrace Oregon -  Every Child

*00:28:05 The Welcome Boxes - a loving gift given to a child who is being processed into the DHS system

00:29:57 What got her first interest in being a foster parent started in Guatemala - this caused her and her husband Luke to ask, "Where are the vulnerable children here (the US)?"

00:32:35 Their first experience in fostering

00:33:52 What happened in Guatemala that caused her and Luke to ask this question

00:35:50 After having biological children and moving to Oregon, what started as purely an informational call ends in fostering a baby who is now her 11 year adopted son

00:36:48  Jillana's relationship with her 11 year old son's biological mom - the most transformational relationship she's ever been a part of

00:38:25  Battling the image of foster parents rescuing a child- Jillana's book - it feels like the manual of everything you should know before you foster

 

00:39:35  The grief of fostering

Heavier things in lighter moments - disclosures the children may make

00:46:03 "Signing up for foster care is an invitation to raise your hand and invite heartbreak and suffering into your life." -

00:45:54 Jillana's personal experiences with grief

Returning a child to biological mama's Rehabilitation Center - a feeling that maybe she was losing her ability to hope for a healthy outcome

00:54:07 Fostering is about holding things loosely - hope, expectations of what you would want to happen, what you think should happen, biological parents, foster children

00:56:05 What about the grief of getting attached to this child with the possibility of them returning to their biological parents?

00:59:41 These kids did nothing wrong - they did not cause their situation the word "foster" can be equated with negative words--- Jillana on purpose says children in foster care instead

01:04:00 The most common reasons children enter into the foster care system is physical abuse, sexual abuse, psychological abuse, neglect, domestic violence, incarceration of parent, a parent's drug and alcohol abuse, and untreating of mental illness

01:05:22 The hope would be that a family would have a safety net of support to draw from when they are struggling...that Child Welfare wouldn't even have to get involved

01:07:10 For some bio parents this can be a terrifying thought to have their child in the system if they themselve had a terrible experience when they were a child

01:08:00 Honoring the humanity of the biological parents

 

01:12:49 How we can be supportive to a foster parent

 

What to Say

• "I don't know what it's like to be a foster parent, but I do know you have a lot on your plate, can I help you with this __(yardwork, a meal, laundry) ____?"
• "I don't know what you're going through, but I know it's not just everyday life is normal. I know there are a lot of dynamics going on under the roof of your home."
• "Can I give you a gift card for _____?"
• "Would you like to go to coffee with me?"
• "Can I come take a walk with you?"

 

What Not to Say

• "Oh, I get it ___(a story of a pet you've adopted)___."
• "You're such an angel."
• "I could never do that, I'd just get way too attached."
• "I can't believe those kids are in foster care; they're so clean, polite, or so adorable, or so smart." as if the word foster is the opposite of these words
• "God gives special kids to special people."
• "God will not give you more than you can handle."

01:31:12  How you can get involved in Embrace Oregon

1:32:42 The Big Reveal Segment

 

01:35:39 Kathleen's Wrap Up

If you see someone and they seem to be doing just fine, the kids they are fostering are doing great in Sunday School, or playing with your kids, or just in general being around you, it doesn't mean that at home it's not a WHOLE NOTHER BALL GAME.

 

Please make sure to check in with your friend. Just because on the outside she seems to be holding it all together beautifully, she just might need your help.

• Take her to coffee
• Offer to do practical things for her: laundry, meals, grocery shop, clean a bathroom
• Offer respite care
• Offer to transport her other kids to their practices
• Offer to be a nonjudgmental listening ear

 

Buy Jillana's book: No Sugar Coating- The Coffee Talk You Need About Foster Parenting

 

Ways to Help in Oregon

EmbraceOregon, Every Child Oregon

 

Welcome Boxes

provide children in foster care with special items while sitting in a DHS office.

 

Launch Boxes

assist youth who are aging out of foster care with items to help them get on their feet.

 

Emergency Needs

from DHS are shared with community members to support children in foster care. Expressed needs range from a bunk bed to new shoes.

 

Boxes of Love

provides local children being placed in foster care with a box of new clothing and other comfort items to call their own.

 

Office Buddies

Foster Parent Night Out

Transportation

Service Projects

DHS Staff Appreciation

 

Another perspective to those considering foster care:

"Foster care and adoption are not a cure for trauma.  Rather, it is the beginning of a new and terrifying journey of connection.  ‘Trust us,’ the new family says.  ‘No really, for real this time... ‘ 

It takes so much consistent, reassuring, forgiving parenting to sell that “forever family” ideal to a person who has seen the darkest side of humanity. 

You will not be able to do it alone, and love is not enough.  Select a team of people who understand what trauma does to a developing brain.  Be very intentional in building a network of support - people who won’t judge you or your kid, who will remind you why you started, people who can handle the ugly days.  Sort out the naysayers and limit your exposure to them.  In the end, it’s your family and your kid.  Keep their world small, predictable, and safe." -Susan Skutt

 

How to Find Jillana:

Website: https://jillana-goble.com/

Facebook: Jillana Goble -Author

 

Jillana's Book:

No Sugar Coating- The Coffee Talk You Need About Foster Parenting

 

Kathleen's Workbook -Embrace You: A Guide to Uncovering the Real You

 

Bonus Episode (Interview After the Interview) : Become a $2/month patreon member and get access to all the bonus episodes where my guests shares the WHY to her Big Reveals. Patreon Information

 

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Where to find Kathleen

Facebook: @WhatSheWishesPodcast

Instagram: @speakerkathleenmpeters

Email: [e-mail]

 

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