357: Why We Avoid the Very Thing That Makes Us Happy at Work with Nick Epley

As an author and allyship advocate, I constantly find myself researching the power of human connection, yet I still fall into the same social traps as everyone else! 

We all intellectually know that relationships are vital to our health and happiness, yet we consistently talk ourselves out of simple, daily opportunities to connect.

In this episode, I had the absolute pleasure of chatting with Nicholas Epley, behavioral science professor and author of A Little More Social. Nick's research translates complex social cognition into real, actionable insights that completely reframed how I think about my own social habits—from asking for help to bridging differences.

Key Themes

• Our Beliefs and Miscalibrated Expectations Create Social Barriers. We often avoid social interaction not because we dislike connecting, but because we wrongly assume others won't respond positively to us. We hold mistaken, pessimistic beliefs that reaching out, asking for help, or expressing gratitude will be awkward or unwelcome.

  "We think other people will respond less positively when we reach out to connect with them in a warm and friendly way than other people actually do. And that pessimism creates a bar, a barrier, that keeps us from reaching out more often." — Nicholas Epley

• Frequency Trumps Intensity for Well-Being. Social connection is a choice made up of moments we regularly miss. Small, consistent, daily interactions have a much larger impact on long-term happiness than rare, intense social events.

  "Psychologists have learned that happiness is really a function not of the intensity of experiences that you have, but rather the frequency of them." — Nick Epley

• In-Person Conversations Surface Common Ground Across Divides. When we interact with people who hold opposing political views or come from different backgrounds, actual spoken conversations are remarkably effective at reducing dehumanization and building mutual understanding.

  "Conversation itself is extremely powerful for surfacing common ground, for allowing people to show mutual interest, to reciprocate interest with each other. They report afterwards that having a conversation with someone they disagree with was actually just as pleasant an experience as having a conversation with someone they agree with." — Nick Epley

• Allyship and Outreach are Appreciated More Than We Guess. Whether it is expressing long-overdue gratitude to a former mentor or reaching out to support someone different from us, the recipient values the interaction far more than the initiator anticipates.

  "It turns out there's no bad time to get a note from somebody saying they appreciate you so much, or you love them so much, right? There's no bad time to get that." — Nick Epley

Actionable Takeaway for Listeners

Adopt the "Recognize Easy Opportunities Routinely" (REOR) mindset: Start noticing the moments where you default to avoiding connection—like walking into the office or sitting in a car—and turn them into small, routine social habits.