Things I Would Have Done Differently // Onwards and Upwards, Part 2

As you look back on this last year, I wonder … what would you have done differently? It’s worth thinking about, because whilst you can’t wind the clock back and do them over, a bit of reflection can help you think about how you’re going to handle things in the new year ahead.

Well, here we are in this week between Christmas and New Year. It’s a funny kind of week, really, looking back on the year that’s just been and with the other part of us looking forward at the year that might be. But sometimes the thing that stops us from really getting on and living this next year to the full – is the regret of the year that’s just been or maybe the year before or maybe the year before that. We all do things that later we regret.

I wonder if I were to ask you to look back over this last year and pick just three things that you regret. What would they be?

I truly believe that sometimes we need to look back before we can look forward. Now, I’m not one for living in the past and wallowing in regret. But regret is a funny thing. Regret is about lost opportunities.

If only I hadn’t done, if only I’d done this and a related word is reproach. It’s a sense of blame or guilt that hangs over us from the past because of the mistakes we made, the things we should have done but didn’t, the things we could have done but didn’t and the things we did but we shouldn’t have done. And those three things they bear bad fruit in our lives. They cause pain.

It’s interesting. There’s a prayer in the Old Testament of the Bible, 1 Chronicles chapter 4. It’s called The Prayer of Jabez and one of the things that Jabez prays is:

Lord keep me from evil that I would not cause any pain. (1 Chronicles 4:10)

When you and I do dumb things which we do from time to time, it causes pain, either to us or the people around us or in fact, to both.

And as we sit here looking forward to a new year, let’s just cast our eyes back on the year that’s been and think, what are the things that bring that sense of reproach, that sense of regret on our lives?

And truly unless we deal with the regret, the reproach of the past, we just can’t move on and enjoy – I mean really enjoy the future. Actually this is quite a common problem. All sorts of people spend their lives carrying around all sorts of baggage that is best left in the past.

Yesterday, on A Different Perspective, we talked about taking stock of the year that’s just been. On the one side of the page, listing all the positives, all the wonderful things that have happened in life. I don’t know about you but I look back on my life and I think, “Gee! This last year has been a wonderful year”. It’s been a tough year, it’s been a hard year too but there are so many things I can look back on and think, “God’s blessed me here and this has been wonderful and that’s been wonderful.”

And then on the other side of the page, listing the negatives, the downers, the bad things that have happened either outside of our control that has impacted on us like the London bombing. I mean imagine sitting on the bus at Taverstock Square and all of a sudden the bomb goes off. Nothing that anybody other than the bomber himself could have done about that.

Sometimes bad things happen to us that are completely beyond our control. Other times, bad things happen to us because buggerlugs me or buggerlugs you, do some stupid things. And there are a whole bunch of different areas in our lives where we could be harbouring regret.

Maybe you’ve worked too hard this year and haven’t spent enough time with your family. Maybe there’s been a relationship breakdown, just not enough time invested in that relationship. What opportunities did we miss last year?

It’s a funny thing how this regret just hangs over us. And you know what we then try and do? We try to deny the root cause. We all do that. We don’t want to acknowledge that maybe we had a part to play in this thing. We don’t want to own up, we don’t want to be frank and open and say, “Hang on, if I had done this better, if I hadn’t been so selfish, if I hadn’t been so critical, you know maybe it wouldn’t have been that bad, maybe it wouldn’t have happened at all.” And then we rationalise it away and we blame other people. We blame circumstances.

One of the things I always have to do is watch my weight. I have to watch what I eat, just my genetics, who I am, who my father was, who my grandfather was, I have to watch what I eat. And often, when I’m travelling as I do for the work and ministry that I do, it’s easy to say, “Well, you know I’m travelling and I can’t really control what I get served on the plane. And I have to eat where I have to eat”. It’s really easy to blame everybody else.

Actually, it is possible to watch what I eat when I am travelling. And I had to come to a point in my life when I said, “I’m going to stop blaming everybody else and I’m going to take responsibility for this”.

Sometimes we have to do some radical surgery, we have to say, “I’m sorry, we have to clear the air. We have to decide that what we are doing is wrong.”

I can hear what you’re thinking, “Berni, I wish you wouldn’t go there. Just leave this alone. It’s the week between Christmas and New Year. I’m having a break. Stop poking around inside me.” Let me say this lovingly and plainly and very clearly, if you are suffering from regret, I believe that God wants to set you free from that today.

And the first step is acknowledging it and naming it and calling it what it is. If it’s your selfishness or my selfishness, we have to own up to that. If it’s our short sightedness, if it’s our laziness, if it’s our imbalance we have to own up and say, “There is a root inside me. There is a root that is bearing bad fruit.” And the only thing to do with a root that is bearing bad fruit is to pull it out and throw it away. If we’re still doing the stuff that caused the pain, in the first place, we need to decide to stop.

Paul the Apostle, a couple of thousand years ago, wrote this. If you want to find where it is. It’s in the Bible, 2 Corinthians 7:10. He said:

Pain and distress that drives us to God, it turns us around, it gets us back in the way of salvation, it never leads to regret. But those who let distress drive them away from God end up on the deathbed of regret.

I love that! It is so realistic. It is so here and now, for you and for me even though it was written a couple of thousand years ago. Pauls saying, “Look, we’re all going to have pain and distress, that’s the reality”. It happens (he did). You have it. I have it. Everybody else around us has pain and distress from time to time in their lives.

And he’s saying that if we let that pain and distress drive us towards God, well that will turn us around. It gets us back on the way of salvation that is on the way of having a relationship with Jesus. But this is the bit that I really like: it never leads to regret.

Why is that? Because if you and I choose to take the high road – if you and I choose to let our pain and distress and our weaknesses and our failures and the consequences thereof, turn us around and head us towards God, there’s something that God can give us that no one else can. That is called unconditional love, acceptance and forgiveness. And that is the one thing on planet earth that will take the pain of my regret and the pain of your regret away.

Then we could choose the low road. We can choose to let the pain and the regret drive us away from God. And this is what he says, I’ll read it again:

Those who let distress drive them away from God, end up on the deathbed of regret.

If there’s some part of your life you want to turn around – a difficult marriage, a troubled child, some problems at work – we need to decide to turn it around. And then we need to let it drive us towards God, to involve Him, to pray.

Why? Because He can heal, He can touch, He can love. He can fill us with the peace that heals the wound of regret. And hand in hand with God, who by the way delights in this stuff, this is what God wants to do for you and me – to heal the pains of the past. We can see our lives change. Or we can go on with this dull ache of regret right to our deathbeds.

So this next year, what will you do differently?