255 - Two Hundred Fifty Five

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[TRANSCRIPT]

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Alright, we’re…we’re not there yet, not exactly, but we’re close. Except…Birdie, are you leading us up a mountain? Is this…safe? What exactly are we looking for? I don’t know what we’re going to find the further we go up, but I have a feeling we’re not going to trip over a bustling town. 

You said no one could see us. I definitely get that from a, you know, other human beings who may or may not be alive in this country at the moment standpoint, but I don’t see how being on a mountain hides us from Fox or any of your other insane coworkers. And I’m still not sure why I want trust you when you say this is the right thing to do. But the promise of answers…of maybe even meeting you…

Well. Harry is much more skeptical, you’ll not be surprised to learn. It’s…it’s been interesting reading her notebook. I haven’t had an over abundance of time, what with being the morse translator and the driver—it’s not that Harry can’t drive, but I’d much rather be at the wheel while she tries to keep me entertained with lectures on various topics or anecdotes about ridiculous people she knew in the art world. 

But what I have read so far…Harry really does not like you, Birdie. Which I knew but…yeesh. Any time you sent a message, she would write these little notes about what kind of sinister second meaning could be behind your words. It was the same thing with Fox, and I guess she was right on that score, but despite my maybe foolish faith that you really do have the best intentions at heart, you and Fox are no different in her mind. 

We…we got into kind of an argument about it. I think being in such close quarters after so long—sure, we shared a house for six years, but that’s very different from being trapped in a car together day in and day out. I think—I think both of our patience is wearing thin. 

Harry wanted to get more information—wanted to be sure we could trust you before we went anywhere you led us. But how exactly would she go about getting that information? It’s not like we can look you up in the book. I told her I was done waiting. That the worst that could happen has already happened and I was going whether she wanted to come or not. 

She didn’t take that particularly well. And, of course, it’s not entirely true. Terrible things have happened, but we’re still alive. I guess there are worse things that could happen. But we’re…we’re alive in other places too, aren’t we? We’re dead in other places, I would think. Infinite iterations of us…we wouldn’t have made it past thirty in one of those timelines. I’ve had a hard time falling asleep lately, because I just keep thinking about those other versions. I can’t stop wondering if Abi is happy somewhere else, if there’s any point to this version of me staying alive when I could be doing so much better elsewhere?

But then again…this is all I know. I’m assuming if I die, I don’t just wake up in another timeline, living another Abi’s life. If that were the case, we’d all be constantly besieged by other versions of us slamming into our consciousnesses. 

I exist as I am now and I can’t exist in any other way. I can’t go back, I can’t go sideways into another place, I can only move forward. That’s what I was trying to explain to Harry. That’s what I’ve been trying to explain to her for seven goddamn years. 

And she…she’s going along now, finally. When I threatened to go without her, she didn’t even let me finish the sentence before she told me that wasn’t happening. She said—she said even if I did sneak off in the dead of night and try to find you on my own, that she’d chase me across the whole country if she had to. That she’s thought about chasing me every single day since I left and now that she has me in her sights, she’s not going to stop. 

I—(a small laugh) I would’ve given anything to hear her say something like that a year ago. Six months ago, two months ago. And having her say it now, it just put into perfect clear focus how much…how much anger I still hold. How much resentment. How much compounding confusion around her, especially since she told me about Pete and…

And it’s…it’s not enough. It’s not enough for her to tell me she wants me and then in the next breath tell me she betrayed me. It’s not enough for her to say she would chase me to the edge of the earth when it comes after trying to convince me not to do something I know I want to do. 

Anyway, I think I’m done chasing you, right Birdie? I’m here. And I’ll climb to the top of this mountain if I have to. 

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Firewatch.