257 - Two Hundred Fifty Seven

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[TRANSCRIPT]

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This place is…extraordinary. I woke up with the sunrise this morning and it was breathtaking. It’s so…quiet. I mean, it’s not actually that quiet, the sounds of the wind and the creaking trees and whatever wildlife is out here—oh, and I found the rifle, which I guess is good in case any of that wildlife deciding to come to our door but they’d have to get up the stairs first. I guess this means I am teaching Harry how to shoot after all. Maybe I’ll finally learn to hunt. 

But—those sounds aside, the natural sounds, it’s peaceful. Being in cities now is eerie—they’re quiet but it isn’t right. This place was so untouched by people to begin with that it feels right. It gives me the same feeling I got in Wyoming all those months ago. Except, this time, I’m not trying to forget about Harry, because I very much can’t forget about her. 

Last night—well, it doesn’t matter that it’s July, the nights still get fucking freezing this high up. But, as you know, there’s a cast iron stove in the watchtower, and there’s still a whole pile of wood underneath the stairs, so we had that going all night. And I guess we both were still too cold because somehow, in the course of the night, we both ended up with our blankets and pillows in front of the stove. Between the fire and the shared warmth, I slept…well, I slept really well for the first time in a long time. 

It’s not that I’ve never woken up next to her before. When we were first on the run, we couldn’t afford to be out of each other’s sight for too long. But this was—this was different. It's the first time there’s been nothing between us—no secrets, no lies, no games. Harry has been different these last few weeks and it’s like I was getting so used to being around her again, and all the mixed up feelings that that brought up, that I didn’t even notice until now. But the way she did eventually go along with what I wanted to do, the way that she admitted that coming here was a good idea…

She isn’t just surrendering, telling me what I want to hear. I know what that’s like, I’ve lived with that version of Harry for months. After she told me the truth, she tried to…change. Become some version of herself that she thought I could forgive, being easy and agreeable and giving me space and consideration and I fucking hated it. 

That’s not what she’s doing now. She’s just…thawing. She’s letting herself be vulnerable. She’s letting herself be wrong. I’m starting to feel like maybe she doesn’t just want my forgiveness to make her life easier, but because she is genuinely remorseful about everything. Maybe in the end that distinction doesn’t mean anything, but it matters to me. And it matters—it matters that she was trying to protect me in her own roundabout way even if I wish she’d just come to me when she found out about Pete—

(sigh) My head is so loud. If we’re really safe from prying eyes here…I might stop transmitting for a while after our date on Thursday. I’m…I’m tired. Waking up so peaceful and safe and warm this morning…it all hit me, this huge wave of exhaustion. I’m so tired of being angry. I’m tired of being scared. And I think taking some time after we talk to—to put down everything I’ve been carrying around…it might be a good idea. 

I’m—I’m excited to see what you have to say. You said “message will repeat” so I assume we’re not going to be playing our yes and no game. It better be a long message, Birdie. 

I think…I think I understand why you chose that name. There’s a bird-feeder on the railing and even though there’s no seed in it, I’ve still seen the most beautiful array of birds. I’ve been sitting here all morning, waiting for Harry to return from her supply run, and just watching them. And wondering if you built the feeder yourself, so that you could have some company. 

Is this what you did? You sat in this watchtower, with enough radio equipment to speak to the world, and you listened and looked out on the sunrise and the birds and felt like you were in the one good and beautiful place in the entire universe, across all timelines?

Or did you feel trapped? Consigned to your tower like some kind of fairytale princess? Did you look at the birds and wish you could be free too?

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