Chapter 2: Consistency & Reliability

This is the first meditation of Chapter 2: Innocence: Consistency and Reliability.

Breathing is Action meditations are created to acknowledge the life lessons we learn from the developmental needs of the human lifespan. All of Chapter 2, titled Innocence, focuses on the life lessons that can be learn from infancy, the beginning of the lifespan.

Consistency and reliability are the building blocks of trust and safety. They are very important life skills to cultivate inside of ourselves. It is equally important to be able to recognize these qualities in others in order to surround ourselves with people who are safe and with whom we can be vulnerable.

The Importance of Consistency & Reliability in Infancy

Infants are the epitome of vulnerability. They are entirely reliant on their caregivers to have their needs met and to keep them safe. When they are just born, they can barely even see. For months and months, they aren’t able to walk, talk or do much of anything on their own. Infants cry out to their caregivers as their only means of communication. When they cry, they may be asking themselves “Is someone coming to help me or am I all alone?”  Being alone when you are this vulnerable is more than just a question of comfort, it is a concern for survival. They also do not have the capacity to understand the difference between a physical need or an emotional need, they only know to cry out for help.

After many years and multiple experiences, an infant that has had a consistent and reliable caregiver can learn to trust that the world is safe and that the adults in their lives have their best interest at heart. Consistency and reliability in relationships are needed beyond infancy. We learn lessons of emotional safety through the consistency and reliability of our friends, teachers, daycare providers, family members, society and so on as we grow up. It remains an important quality we search for in future mature friendships, romantic and professional relationships as well.

As we mature and individuate into our own unique person, we’re tasked with becoming our own source of safety for ourselves. Depending on our early life experiences, we’ll have developed an internal dialogue that is compassionate and kind or harsh and dismissive, and anywhere in between. This article is for those of us who, for whatever reason, have developed an internalized dialogue that is not necessarily very nice or understanding. For some, we don’t even realize how quick we are to dismiss our emotions and say to ourselves “It’s not that big of a deal, toughen up” or “I shouldn’t be crying, it’s embarrassing” or “What’s wrong with me? Why am I like this?” Through meditation, I was able to witness just how often I said such things to myself without me even recognizing it. The uncomfortable truth is some of us emotionally abandon ourselves quite regularly. We’ve learned to ignore, fear or be irritated by our own emotional needs and those of others. However, this is not set in stone!

Let’s Start Fresh!

Thankfully, anything you’ve learned can be unlearned. For those of us who would like to be a little more consistent with care and compassion for both ourselves and the people in our lives, it may be helpful to unlearn some of the things we picked up along the way. Let’s begin anew! Let’s start over and relate to ourselves in a whole new way. For example, what do we do when an infant cries? Well, we swoop in and see what’s the matter, judgement-free. We’re full of genuine concern. So, we simply mirror that same dynamic with ourselves.

We can start by simply asking: How do I feel right now?
Then we check to see: What do I need?
We slow down, ask and listen. We’re curious. Judgement-free.
And we repeat, often.

Oh! I had an angry outburst! (I sit with myself) What’s up, how do I feel?

Oh! I am crying! (I swoop in, give myself a big hug) What’s going on? What do I need?

Oh! I’m panicking! (Hand on my chest) What am I going through? What’s this all about?

Start Your Day Differently

For my fellow busy-bees and multi-taskers, it might also be helpful to resist the urge to start the morning with “What needs to get done today?” Instead, we begin our morning with “What is one thing I can do for my wellbeing today?” or “When can I take a moment to rest today and what would make me happy?” And we treat that moment with the same importance as any other item on our to-do list.

Consistency and reliability are key. Try to follow through as best you can, even if it’s as small as 5 minutes sitting on a park bench outside during lunch – make your wellbeing a priority in some small way.

Some days you won’t be able to do this at all, and that’s okay too. Turning self-care into an obligation would negate the intention here. Judging ourselves while we practice the skill of self-compassion would be counter-productive. Even if it’s not every single day without fault, it’s still helping. Perfection is not needed. Being generally consistent and reliable with ourselves in this caring way, over time, will cultivate a loving and compassionate relationship that feels safe and grounding. 

It's Always Changin’

I believe that our needs may change every single day. Sometimes going to the gym feels like self-care, but on other days it feels like an obligation. Sometimes ordering junk food feels like a treat, other times we realize we use it to numb our emotions. Sometimes mindlessly scrolling on the phone feels like pure relief, other days it aggravates us even worse. Sometimes a pedicure is exactly what we need, on another day what we really need is time alone, all by ourselves. Only YOU can truly know what feels like self-care and what doesn’t. And because it varies from day to day, it can be helpful to stay open and curious to different ideas.

I often speak about traditional meditation because it is an ancient practice that is thousands of years old and still popular today, and it now has a ton of science and research to back up its benefits. But most importantly, it is important to do things that soothe your soul and calm your nervous system. And you are best suited to know what helps for that.

After a while and with continued practice, you can get really good at knowing what truly lifts your spirits and what creates a sense of peace in your heart. And after an even longer while and continued of practice, you start to intuitively sense it and act on it naturally. It becomes who you are and how you interact with yourself and others. For me personally, I am still not intuitively there yet but I can see that it's where I am headed. As often as possible, recommit to your yourself. Recommit to your values. Recommit to what you truly believe in and what aligns with your soul. Remind yourself who you are and know yourself well.

 

 

So… I ask you. If you could choose one thing to do today to really take care of yourself, what would that be? What would that look like today? What would you do? Where would you go? How long would it last? Would it be with anyone in particular? How do you want to feel? What would be fun?

Take the time to really absorb how good it feels to care for yourself.

Thank yourself, genuinely, for taking the time and being a source of safety for yourself and others.

Know that I am grateful for you too.

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Chapter 2: Innocence

1. Consistency & Reliability
2. Being Seen & Heard
3. Having a Voice
4. Importance of Play
5. New Experiences
6. Navigating Fear
7. Vulnerability
8. Safe People
9. Self-Soothing

 

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BREATHING IS ACTION is a meditative affirmation podcast for teens and adults. For everyone, everywhere. Let's be the change we want to see in the world!

 

Writing, research and production by: Macie Leblanc-Smith

Editing by: Macie Leblanc-Smith, Marc-Olivier Plouffe

 

Music: A Place Like Home (Instrumental Version) by Birgersson Lundberg on Epidemic Sound.

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