PFL 29: Got Grit? 5 Tips to Get Some Grit

Hi everyone! This is Connie Sokol, and you're listening to Balance Redefined Radio. I've spent over 20 years teaching people how to redefine what balance really is, meaning a more purposeful and joyful life.

 

They’ve paid off credit cards, lost weight, organize their homes, and created a meaningful life plan and they've managed their time, changed habits and experience greater success both at work and at home.

 

So now I decided to take the plunge and help about 100,000 new people who want to redefine balance in their lives. People ask me all the time, “How do I go from an overwhelming and chaotic life to more purpose and organization and joy?”

 

That's the reason why I'm doing this podcast, to give you trusted answers and create a space where you could find balance. My name is Connie Sokol and welcome to Balance Redefined Radio…

 

Welcome back to Balance reDefined and I can't wait to share with you these thoughts on grit because there's still a lot of buzz about this topic.

 

It was really big in 2016, but there's still a lot of buzz about this because so many parents are seeing children that are dealing with anxiety, dealing with depression, dealing with a lot of these different mental health issues that, you know, parents feel like 30, 40 years ago that just was not an issue.

 

You just got up, you put on your badge and go to work, blah, Blah Blah...

 

There's so many more layered things that are happening in our world today that there's this shift in how do we help our kids and ourselves become more resilient, have more grit, be able to handle hard things.

 

Even though we're handling hard things every day, more so than we probably even realize there's still more coming at us. How can we help prepare our children as well as model and being an example of this grit and resilience?

 

I really loved this. It's wonderful. What I'm taking this from is, you know, I find stuff everywhere, whether it's a magazine at the Orthodontist, or like this, it's the Costco magazine. It's the "Costco Connection." I do not get any compensation for this. Yes, I am a costco member.

 

I love these magazines. They always have like some cool thing they had. Joanna Gaines had a lot of fun stuff, so I love this. This caught my eye. This is about a spotlight on an author Angela Duckworth.

 

She has a masters from Harvard and a masters from Oxford as well, or a phd? It's one of those two. Anyway, very, very brilliant lady. And she also has the best selling book called, Grit.: The power of passion and perseverance...I just wanted to get the title right...

 

So the power of passion and perseverance and the sort of the meeting place of both of those and how important it is to have passion and perseverance to create the grit and the resilience.

 

In fact, what she shares as far as the definition of grit, because you don't quite a well, what does that mean? Grit. It's something I see on the bathtub, like what is this?

 

She says, "I define grit as a combination of both perseverance and passion for long term goals, not just working hard, but also loving what you do, working hard on something that you love." In fact, she even founded and is the CEO of the character lab (a nonprofit dedicated to character development in students) because she started noticing that those people that had just traditional thinking, sat scores, Iq tests, all of those things could not predict more of these character traits that are just as important for success and for happiness in life.

 

You find people who are super intelligent but they really don't have a quality of life that they want or that is satisfying to them.

 

And so this is beautiful stuff. So I'm going to share with you five quick things that she shares about grit and resilience.

 

She says, "There are four traits in abundance with the so called 'paragons of grit': resilience, willingness to engage in deliberate practice, passion, and a sense of purpose toward achieving a top level goal."

 

So what was interesting to me, she said, "Self control is a bonus, but it's not a prerequisite." We sometimes think of like, "Okay, if you've got grit, then you just work at like four in the morning till midnight at night." She said, "No, rethink that. It's not about just endurance."

 

It's not just about that though that is a key to grit because "enthusiasm" she says, "is really common, but endurance is rare, but it's combining the two and then doing it wisely."

 

Now I loved that because you see people who work all day long but they don't have a passion they're working at and so it's just work all day long.

 

Then you see people who are passionate about things, but they can't sit there bum in the chair and actually get something done. So it's just enthusiasm, unbounded and unfettered. And that is not necessarily a helpful thing.

 

So combining those two, that enthusiasm and endurance to a longterm specific goal, now that's what we're talking about.

 

That creates that grit and that resilience and that ability to see the results and see it through even during the tough stuff.

 

So that's what she is talking about, which is what it sounds like to me. She said, "How do you know if you have this grit? How do you know?" And I had to think to myself, "How much credit do I have?" I mean, I can work if I need to do something, I'll get up at three, I'll get up at four. No one has to get me out of bed.

 

I will make this happen...

 

And resilience-if it's not working out, I'll find another way, and I'll find another way, and I'll find another way. But we all have those moments that we reach our max. When we're sobbing and we're into the Ben and Jerry's, you know, a whole pint and whatever because we're just at our breaking point.

 

So how do you know if you have grit and what does that look like? And she said, "Here's the really cool thing. This is the third thing or the second thing. People who really are gritty often can in a sentence of 10 words or fewer articulate what everything they are doing is all about, so if that is what grit is, than the lack of it is not having that kind of superordinate guiding north star and then being easily discouraged by the setbacks."

 

So you should be able to say in a sentence of about 10 words or less what your focus is and what is your specific long-term goal.

 

People ask me all the time, "What is it that you do? What is this balance redefined?" And I say, "I help women and families live a life of purpose, organization and joy." Done. That's what I do, and so it's really clear in one sentence, "Oh, she teaches people purpose, organization and joy."

 

And how do I do that? I do it through my Balance Redefined program being then they know exactly what I'm doing.

 

What do you do? What's your passion? What's your purpose? Think about that. Write down some buzzwords. You know, I do this with my program, I do this with people in my classes.

 

We write down these sort of buzz words that describe and start to tap into words that tell you what is your passion, what is your purpose? What is it that you feel strongly that you're on this earth to do, to leave that fingerprint? So consider that.

 

What is it that you really want to do and focus your time and attention on? Because once you know that, then binge watching Downton Abbey isn't as appealing. It's great and it's awesome, but it's in its proper time. You're not avoidant and binge watching.

 

You're actually rewarding all the work that you're doing by saying, "Wow, I worked so hard on this goal today that now I'm going to reward myself by binge watching, whatever." That's so much better than avoidant and watching. So it's the approach and it's the focus.

 

It's knowing what you're doing and why you're doing it. That gives you the "how" to best do it. Does that make sense?

 

That gives you the sticking power because you are really clear about what it is you're doing and where you're going, and so you know if there's a little speed bump in the road, you're not distressed.

 

If there's a higher bump in the road, you're not distress, you're going to find a way around it.

 

If there's an absolute boulder in the road's not a problem, you're going to get other people to help you move it, so that's because you are focused and you're not going to have discouraging setbacks that will make you stop with your passionate purpose.

 

It may change the way you approach it. That's a totally different beast. That's what we should be doing. Shifting our approach as needed, but it's not going to change that driver of what we know we should be doing.

 

So the third thing I loved, hopefully you're getting some great stuff already. I'm loving this stuff. The third thing is that she says, "We need to have a sense of purpose by not rushing children," and I would say ourselves, "into that long term purpose too quickly. "

 

Now I see this, and I don't know if you've seen this, but it's all over society where it used to be back in the day you throw the ball with your children in the backyard when they're five.

 

Well, 15, 20 years ago I started getting pressure from neighbors that I wasn't putting my five year old in a tee ball group.

 

I'm like, "Why does he have to be on a tee ball team at the age of five? Why can't I just play ball with him in the backyard? I want to just hang with him." Which is of course exactly what I did and didn't worry about the pushback, but now 20 years later it's even more so.

 

These kids are starting sports at eight and nine and 10 years old and it's not just your average, "Let's go do one game and everybody clapped and let's go get ice cream."

 

It's intense. It's competitive and a lot of these kids are now going into advanced leagues and then they're traveling on the weekends and then they're doing these major tournament's. What sense is this doing to these eight, nine, 10, 11 year old kids is what do you think? Pressure.

 

It put on them this intense pressure to perform, and it's something they used to love to do. Now the lines are blurred between hobby and joyful extracurricular to, "I must win. I must succeed. I must get skills. In fact I need to have a coach after hours to tell me how to really throw well."

 

Then you see what happens is these kids are getting burned out by the time they're 12, 13, 14. They don't want to do it anymore. They're so sick of it. They're like they've adulted now in this sport and they don't even want to do it.

 

This is a huge issue. It's something for us as parents to be aware of and cautious about and not feel badly about pushing back against the system. We were really blessed in our family that I kinda threw it out there to the kids of what they wanted to do.

 

We were able to do one major sport a season so we could attend as a family and that was really important to me so we could support one another.

 

So what ended up happening is some did sports and music, some did art, some did photography...

 

They all kind of chose their thing and it didn't have to be a team sport. Now, don't get me wrong, there are great great things to be learned from a team sport. Do not get me wrong.

 

It's wonderful. It's when we do it in an inappropriate time or approach that I think it has a law of diminishing returns and that means the thing we wanted from it actually gets less and less and less.

 

In fact, it becomes a negative. So maybe ask yourself and your life, how is this working for you? Or are you able to let your children sample? And this is what Angela Duckworth says.

 

She says, "Let them sample widely activities and sports and the spirit of play and not worry too much about practicing to become an expert or making a commitment that could last a lifetime." She said, "Young children should play and learn from that."

 

I have told my kids that for years. I actually was blessed to be able to do that. I had a lot of drive and desire when I was younger. I wanted in junior high to try out for the talent show, and to do cheerleading, and student government. In high school, same thing, I did cheerleading and tennis.

 

I wanted to do these things back in the day when it wasn't, you know, 52 hours a week commitment and it was so fun.

 

I loved it and though I didn't go into any of those long-term, they built my foundation for me to go into speaking, into writing, and into having other opportunities with TV and radio.

 

So even though it didn't actually specifically relate, it absolutely prepared me for those things...

 

So we as parents don't need to worry that we're not preparing our kids if they aren't in 52 sports. It's okay. It's okay.

 

All we need to do is help them find a passion, pursue it in an appropriate way that doesn't take over our family life, and in a way that helps them keep the joy, and still learn those principles of discipline, commitment, and all of those things.

 

So "choosing wisely" as the Indiana Jones proverb would say...

 

I think that's a beautiful, wonderful piece of advice that I can get behind. I love what she also adds on is that she says, "There is this wonderful positive correlation between grit and happiness."

 

She says, "You know, there's something wonderful and especial satisfaction that comes from doing something really well and from loving it."

 

And here's a quote she says, "It doesn't mean every gritty person is happy or every happy person is gritty, but it does mean that on average gritty people are happier and happier people are gritty to live those corollaries."

 

I think those are wonderful and I have seen the same thing. There is this total satisfaction. We just came back from helping in an orphanage in Mexico.

 

We were shoveling gravel, these mountainous two mounds of gravel, these big things of piles, and moving them over, and taking them to where it needed to be, and painting these buildings.

 

There was such a satisfaction that we felt at the end of the day because we were passionate about helping these kids. It just was so fulfilling.

 

If I was having to do that for my own yard, I don't know that I would have that same feeling.

 

I don't know if it was the same fashion...may have needed a few more lemonades or some cold stone, but anyway, it was truly fantastic. I love that corollary, that happy people are usually greedy, and greedy people are usually happier to see if that's true in your own life.

 

So that's the first three things.

 

Number four is she said, I think it's pretty true that I think everyone can get grittier. I believe that she said this is her quote, "I believe that is true about pretty much every characteristic other than your height or eye color. Of course there are limits, but human nature is much more malleable than people think."

 

Isn't that wonderful? So you may think, "Oh, this is me. I can't really change." Not True. Not going to be a crutch because we can determine how gritty we want to become, how much purpose and passion we want to have in our lives, and how we want to pursue that.

 

We really do get to choose that even though we may feel like there's not a lot of choice sometimes there really is. We just have to find those workarounds and that's for another podcast.

 

But I loved that she said, "One great way to cultivate that greediness is especially to be a mentor," and as a mentor, you know, that's what we do in our program.

 

I feel so strongly about mentoring because you've been down the path. It's really kind of super coaching because coaching is fine, and it's good, and we do that.

 

We call it coaching because that's the words that everybody gets...

 

But really what we're doing is mentoring, because we've been down that path. Now we're turning around and saying, "These are the things that we've learned, potholes to avoid, paths to take..."

 

With that, we still help people tailor it to their own situation in life so they can find their own beautiful path, but really avoiding the negative things that they don't need to go through that are unnecessary, that we all have to go through our own things to grow.

 

So I love that she says, you know, "When you're mentoring, you're also benefited because you're being reminded of the lessons that you've learned in the past." And this is so true. As I do my mentoring calls, with groups or individuals, I love it because experiences come to mind.

 

Wisdom that I may not have realized I have come out of my mouth. Success principles and things that I've experienced or learned from others are right there for people to partake of.

 

And it thrills me. It brings me joy. It also helps them in their life. I think that's just an absolute joyful win-win. I love those calls. It fills me and them with joy and that's the joy of giving back.

 

You're just truly mentoring, sharing and then of course it makes you feel happy. So that's a way to increase that grittiness that you may not have considered.

 

Then the last thing she brought up, and I thought this was a great exercise, she says, you know, "New school year brings opportunities for students to make a positive change in their life or a new start of the year." So she proposed that children write "a reverse time capsule."

 

A reverse time capsule and what is that? It's writing a letter at the beginning, so say in the start of the fall or the start of the year, what they will have changed by the end of the year.

 

So by the end of the school year or the end of the actual, you know, calendar year, whatever that looks like to them.

 

And she says, this letter kind of encourages them to gain clarity about their future. Now I have my kids do a little mini vision board. Like I said before, it can be a placemat that we put on the table.

 

It's wonderful. I have instructions on how to do that, but it's wonderful because they keep that fresh in their mind of what their specific goals are, and their passions, and how they want to pursue them. So it's wonderful to do that. I think this letter to themselves is fantastic.

 

I have a friend who did that and she did it before she started a program. How she was going to feel at the end of the program and what she was going to accomplish by the end of the program was fantastic. So I encourage you to consider doing something like that.

 

Maybe for a family night or just even do it for yourself, and model that with your children and give them an opportunity to do that. To take a certain time frame, maybe end of the school year, end of the semester, or end of the summer, and then you say, "Hey, let's do this."

 

Then let's say, "This is what we accomplished by the end." When we get there, we'll see what it looks like and what actually came to fruition.

 

So there you are, five beautiful, wonderful key points about grit and how to get it, the power of passion and perseverance by Angela Duckworth and really fabulous stuff.

 

I love this and loved being able to review and kind of assess my own life, how my grit, what my grit level is, so to speak, and what I can do to maybe notch that up and what I can do to celebrate whatever already done.

 

Because you know I'm always big on celebrating where you are and then making a goal to move a little bit forward, even if it's just a matter of a few degrees.

 

So check your grit level this week and see what you want to do about that with you and your family. I encourage you to try one of these tips today and stay tuned for more podcasts on Balance reDefined.

You got it. Thanks for listening and remember to rate and subscribe. And if you are feeling the need for real balance in your life, get your free 3-Step Life Plan, and get started today! Just go to conniesokol.com/download.