The Cat-and-Mouse Game of Male-Female Interaction

Continuing with our theme of featuring Muslim male content creators, my guest this episode is Youtuber Abu American Little.

On his channel, Abu American teaches young Muslim and non-Muslim men about masculinity, male self-improvement, and gender dynamics. 

He joins me to teach us about modern gender dynamics and how the Muslim community is affected by it, particularly in regards to our relationships with our wives.

Important Note

This interview will be a hard listen for most women and some men because very few of us have heard gender-relations spoken about this way. 

While listening, you must keep in mind what we are speaking about men and women generally, addressing the norms in our society.  

Many rulings in our religion address what is 'aadee, i.e. the norm in a community.

Our books of fiqh deal with what is generally true. Exceptions are dealt with on a case-by-case basis, by referring to scholars.

With that in mind, understand that generalizations are not universalizations.

Show Notes:

• [01:30] There is a difference between being a good man and being good at being a man. They are not equal.
• [02:00] Abu American teaches his audience about masculinity and gender-dynamics in modern society. His background as a black convert in his 40s gives his the experience and perspective to help the young men who subscribe to his channel.
• [04:30] Asking women about how men should deal with women is like asking fish how to be a fisherman. Women have zero experience on relationships with women as a man. Only a man can tell you the male perspective on deal with women, and this comes with time and experience.
• [07:10] Solipsism and the difficulty women have with abstract thought. Women will take a statement, no matter how general, and interpret it only from her perspective and how she FEELS about it, as opposed to objectively.
• [11:05] Hypergamy and female mating strategy. Hypergamy is women’s natural instinct to pursue and secure the commitment of the highest value men available to her. This is a major reason why many Muslim women are in their 30s and unmarried: they don’t marry down.
• [16:35] Men are not attracted to women’s education and career achievement. They are attracted to youth and beauty. Muslim should get married as early as possible. Both she and her partner can grow in value and her husband will always be in a higher position than her.
• [20:30] A woman who marries down or surpasses her husband in status will start to lose respect and resent him. It is not an active thing. It’s a passive thing in the nature of women. Women don’t want to be leaders, they want to be led.
• [22:00] Who are the “Alphas” in the Muslim community? Since Islam does not allow extra-marital sex and we don’t view professional/financial success in the aspirational way non-Muslims do, the Alphas are the preachers and people of knowledge. These are the men Muslim women lust after.
• [24:05] Muslimah fangirls/groupies are OK with chasing after and getting a preacher’s romantic attention, even if it violates Islam, until they find out he’s also doing the same with other fangirls. What makes you so special, shorty?
• [26:40] Build it and they will come. The more you build yourself up as a man - socially, physically, professionally, financially - the more women will want you. And it’s going to be difficult that temptation, but you must.
• [27:10] There has been a generational decline of testosterone and sperm counts in men in the West.
• [28:10] Muslim marriage websites and apps: low-value women have developed an inflated sense of worth and unrealistic expectations of what kind of men they can get as a husband. This is due to Gynocentrism, a sociocultural phenomenon which exclusively focuses on the views, needs, and concerns of women. It pervades, politics, religion, media, and popular culture.
• [32:20] Statistics show women are at an all-time high for being unhappy.
• [34:00] Muslim preachers and public figures in the West constantly put Muslim women on a pedestal and pander to them. We are mirroring the Christian church in their being hijacked by the Feminine Imperative.
• [34:40] Increasing public statements by Muslim public figures, male and female, trying to brow-beat Muslim men who have never been married before into marrying older women (30+), divorcees, widows, etc. Female fertility falls off a cliff at 27 years old if she has not had a prior successful pregnancy.
• [37:10] From a practical stance, women with children should be taken on as co-wives, or if the husband is himself divorced or widowed. Women carry a lot of emotional baggage from previous relationships. The more prior sexual partners she has had, the greater the chance she will separate from her current partner.
• [40:00] What is a woman doing when she does or says something to deliberately disrespect you, just to see how you will react? Explaining the fitness test / congruence test / s*** test. Men should understand this is an expression of sexual interest in the man she is testing.
• [43:10] “Not all women are like that! Why are you making such broad-brush statements about women?”
• [44:30] A lot of men are ego-invested in their fantasy of what women are and how they perceive female virtue. When you disrupt this with a different model, it is jarring to their identity and worldview, and they lash out.
• [45:30] Men are the true romantics. Women are relationship pragmatists. You are never going to be loved by a woman for who you are. You will only be loved because of what you can do for her now.
• [47:30] Coconut Knights: Muslim white knights. Some of the most prominent white knights in the Muslim community are in their 30s and single. Muslim women will cheer them on but will never marry them because they are not looking for a woman with a penis as a husband.
• [48:30] Just like women don’t like feminine men, men don’t like masculine women. They want feminine, soft, gentle, caring women.
• [50:00] Psycho-simps: when a beta-male, so invested in his idea of acceptance and romantic attention from women, gets rejected by the woman he desires, he snaps and becomes violent.
• [51:15] DO NOT have a scarcity mindset with regard to women, even your own wife.
• [52:00] Are there no more traditional women left? There are, but they mostly exist in the East, not in the West. The way to get a Western woman to be traditional is to build yourself up into a high-value man, because 80% of the women want the top 20% of men. You do this by learning Game (only for the purpose of establishing and maintaining an Islamic marriage), physical improvement, and financial improvement.
• [53:20] Women are straight-up gangster when dealing with men. Machiavellian and ruthless.
• [53:40] If you become a high-value man, women will do what it takes to secure your commitment in a relationship, including behaving in a traditional way.
• [54:00] The Game never ends. Before marriage, you must build attraction. After marriage, you must build desire. The reality is your women-folk, if they are on social media, receive countless offers and solicitations from men. You can never become complacent. Women WANT you to be good at seduction and romance. They want you to use Game on them.
• [56:30] Using exceptions to negate what is generally true. Women’s casual disrespect of the Prophet when they bring up his marriage to Khadijah. There are two false premises here. The first is the claim she was 40 when she married him, while it is more authentically narrated she was 28. The second is the claim he was her employee when in fact it was a partnership; she provided the financing while he handled operations.
• [59:30] “A woman’s first directive is to defend her sex’s imperatives even before consideration of religious conviction, marriage vows, or espoused personal ideology.” - Rollo Tomassi, the Rational Male
• [1:00:10] Distorting the religion to fit their needs. Muslim women cheering events in Algeria, allowing Muslim women to marry non-Muslim men.
• [1:01:30] Competition anxiety. Nothing is more attractive to a woman than a man other women want. Muslim men can use competition anxiety to improve their marital relationships by taking co-wives. Women don’t really have a problem with polygyny and sharing their man. If they do have a problem with you taking co-wives, you’re not really the man she wants, you’re the man she could get.
• [1:02:30] The onus is on men to build ourselves up and improve ourselves up until we have command over our relationships with our wives. Problems in your marriage usually stem from you not fulfilling your role as a leader.
• [1:04:30] Women view weakness with contempt. The lie we are told is women want a man who is in touch with his emotions, who isn’t afraid to cry etc., when in fact that’s not what she wants at all.
• [1:05:10] “In reality no matter how much a woman appears to have her s*** together, she is only rejection, one personal slight, one flat tire away from a hysterical episode. Despite what feminists would have us believe, women really cannot survive without the support of men. This is why women will forgive men for anything except weakness, because a weak man is to a woman what one drowning person is to another drowning person. At best useless, at worst dangerous. Women are hard-wired not only to avoid weak men but to ruthlessly be hostile towards them.” - Rollo Tomassi, the Rational Male
• [1:06:08] When your woman tells you she wants you to be more open and emotional, that’s a fitness test. She’s probing for weakness.
• [1:06:50] “I was filled with disgust and revulsion when looking at him”
• [1:07:30] Isn’t this entire discussion misogynistic and anti-Islamic? No. We love our wives and daughters, and want the best for them. Examples: all the ayahs and hadiths about the rights of the husband over the wife, gender dynamics, etc.
• [1:12:00] Please subscribe to Abu American’s Youtube channel and hit the “bell” to receive notifications when he publishes new content.

Full show notes are available on my website: http://becomingthealphamuslim.com/abu-american-little