32: Growing Beyond Religious Constraints: Exploring Sexuality with Alyssa Howard

In this episode of The Hole Shebang, host Kristen Parise welcomes Alyssa Howard, a registered psychotherapist specializing in helping individuals reconnect with their authentic selves. Together, they explore the complex interplay between strict religious upbringings and sexual development, offering practical insights for individuals and couples looking to redefine their relationship with pleasure.

About Our Guest

Alyssa Howard is a registered psychotherapist who transitioned from an 8.5-year career in education tech to focus on mental health. She works with clients throughout Ontario, both virtually and in-person, specializing in supporting:

• Racialized individuals, particularly Black women
• Members of the queer community
• People navigating the intersection of these identities
• Adults from early adulthood to midlife (approximately ages 18-50)

Alyssa helps clients develop healthy relationships with work, authentic identity, and living according to their true values.

Exciting News

Catch Alyssa Howard at the Pleasure Principle Conference on May 30th, where she'll be diving deeper into the themes discussed in this episode!

Episode Chapters

00:00 - Introduction to Alyssa Howard

Meet Alyssa Howard, a registered psychotherapist who found her calling after transitioning from a career in education technology. Alyssa shares her passion for helping others reconnect with their authentic selves.

02:46 - Navigating Identity and Values

Alyssa discusses her work with racialized individuals and members of the queer community, helping them explore what it means to "live authentically through values" and develop healthy engagement with their careers and identities.

05:50 - The Impact of Strict Upbringings on Sexuality

Exploring how religious and strict backgrounds can create tension between taught beliefs and personal experiences, particularly around sexuality and sensuality. Alyssa notes how these environments often enforce specific "core tenants" around physical modesty and sexual engagement.

09:00 - Understanding Sexual Shame and Guilt

Alyssa reveals how sexual shame develops when sex becomes a taboo topic: "When you don't speak about something... that creates very easily a sense of shame." She explains how this shame can manifest as anxiety, tension, and negative self-talk.

12:01 - Communication and Relationship Dynamics

"Communication is super key" when working through sexual issues as a couple. Alyssa emphasizes the importance of acknowledging discomfort and creating safe spaces to discuss sexuality openly.

14:50 - Education and Exploration in Sexuality

Many clients lack basic knowledge about sexual anatomy. Alyssa shares how she provides fundamental education: "Do you know what we're referencing when we're saying vagina? Do you know that there's actually an external portion, the vulva?" This education builds a foundation for healthier sexual experiences.

18:11 - Therapeutic Techniques for Redefining Sexuality

Alyssa outlines techniques for challenging negative core beliefs about sexuality, helping clients identify self-talk patterns, understand their origins, and develop healthier alternatives.

20:59 - Working with Couples on Shared Beliefs

When working with couples, Alyssa helps them identify individual beliefs, compare them side by side, and determine "what are the beliefs as a unit that we want to carry forward in our relationship."

24:04 - Mindfulness and Somatic Practices

The importance of being present in the moment during sexual experiences. Alyssa explains how mindfulness practices help people "understand what you're experiencing mentally and physically" and respond accordingly to increase pleasure.

27:07 - Practical Steps for Overcoming Sexual Pain

Alyssa discusses how addressing psychological components of sexual pain can complement physical treatments, helping clients recognize anxiety cues and develop strategies to reduce tension.

30:08 - Cultivating Sensuality and Pleasure

For those who never explored sensuality growing up, Alyssa recommends three key approaches:

1. Self-compassion and kindness around what you don't know
2. Education through books, movies, and other resources
3. Personal exploration to discover "what feels good for you"

32:50 - Recommended Resources for Sexual Education

Top book recommendations from Alyssa:

• "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski - "Fantastic book, really goes into depth about sex, sexuality, sensuality, the physiology of the body"
• "Sex Talks: Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life" by Vanessa Marin and Xander Marin - An accessible guide to conversations about sexuality

35:59 - Conclusion and Connection

Alyssa shares that her personal theme song is "i" by Kendrick Lamar, which speaks to "resilience and just sort of the durability of the human spirit." Find Alyssa at groundingplacetherapy.ca.

Key Takeaways

• Religious teachings often create mixed messages about sex that can lead to shame, anxiety, and even physical pain during sexual experiences
• Communication is the foundation for healthy sexual relationships, especially for those overcoming restrictive beliefs
• Education about sexual anatomy and physiology is crucial but often lacking for those from strict backgrounds
• Mindfulness helps reconnect mind and body during sexual experiences, leading to greater pleasure and reduced pain
• Self-compassion is essential when exploring sexuality after years of restrictive beliefs

Practical Tips from Alyssa

• For better communication: Schedule dedicated 10-15 minute check-ins about sex with your partner
• For mindfulness: Practice simple breathing exercises - breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth
• For couples: Practice reflective listening where you repeat back not just what your partner said, but the emotions behind it
• For self-exploration: Approach learning about your own pleasure with curiosity rather than judgment

Don't miss Alyssa Howard at the Pleasure Principle Conference on May 30th. For more information about her practice, visit groundingplacetherapy.ca.

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The Hole Shebang is a production of Blueberry Therapy Pelvic Health and Pediatrics, providing multidisciplinary care for people with bladder, bowel, or sexual dysfunction.