SOUND: SOFT, TENSE GUITAR MUSIC
GUNNER
Welcome to Ravinova, a land of monsters mysteries and
most of all mischief. Here, the people are warm and
colorful, and the winters long and harsh. Kingdoms have
risen and fallen, songs sung and silenced, stories
written and forgotten. But the one evergreen force of
the land is the Temny forest which reaches out to every
corner of Ravinova. The creatures that call this place
home, always have a trick up their sleeve. Our tale
begins near the craggy coast to the south, in a lively
village hidden in the mountains. Today the village of
Hornetina is celebrating their midwinter festival, a
celebration where villagers don monstrous costumes and
chase off the evil spirits of winter and welcome in
spring. Will our heroes be able to defeat these wintry
demons or will their village fall into eternal winter?
SOUND: MUSIC ENDS
GUNNER
All right, hello welcome to class feature the show in
which we feature classes from D&D 5E. I am your DM
Gunner Gunn, they/them pronouns.
HANNAH
And you’ll be playing the DM today.
GUNNER
And I will be playing today like I think I said. I
don’t remember.
HANNAH
Yeah. You did.
GUNNER
Here we are. They say it couldn’t be done but we’re
doing it. We’re recording a D&D podcast.
SPENCER
It’s a feat none has ever taken
CALLIE
And no one ever will again.
GUNNER
This is the one and only d&d podcast please do not go
looking for any other podcasts.
SPENCER
Other brands are not available.
HANNAH
I’m Hannah. She/they pronouns and I will be playing Pip
Squeak, the Owlin Cavalier fighter today, she/her
pronouns for Pip.
SPENCER
Thank you Hannah. My name is Spencer, he/him pronouns.
I’m going to be playing Kin-of-Moss, firbolg fighter
and he uses also he/him pronouns.
HANNAH
That’s so fun.
CALLIE
Have you eliminated it/its pronouns from Kin of Moss?
SPENCER
Kin of Moss also does goes by it but I figured I
would...
HANNAH
Just keep it
SPENCER
Just like leave that into the actual play. Just like
spice that up because I feel like it’s really important
to me right now.
GUNNER
A secret pronoun.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
As a treat!
GUNNER
A secret pronoun, spot the pronouns.
HANNAH
Spot The neopronoun.
SPENCER
I only open up my secret pronouns to people who really
get to know me.
CALLIE
That’s when you get to four heart levels.
HANNAH
You can tell who’s been playing Stardew Valley a lot.
CALLIE
Oh my god. My name is Callie I use she/her pronouns and
I will be playing Odette, who is a arcane Archer
Goblin, who also uses she/her pronouns.
GUNNER
Excellent. If you’re looking for more of the mechanics
of these players, we have a supplemental episode zero
where we discuss the character builds, their class
features...
ALL
Gasp
SPENCER
That’s the name!
GUNNER
That’s the name of the show! Their subclasses, their
feats, and their racial features. So if that’s
something you want to know, right now, go listen to
episode zero, and if not, continue listening to this.
All right, we’ve introduced ourselves. We’ve introduced
the world and now I guess, all we have left to do is
introduce the adventure. Tally ho!
SOUND: CHEERY ACCORDIAN MUSIC
GUNNER
It is a bright and sunny day in Hornetina. The
elaborately carved beams of buildings painted bright
red, yellow, and blue stand out against the pale white
snow that cover the rooves and streets. Bleary eyed,
villagers slowly begin to populate the streets, wincing
and squinting from the bright sun reflecting off the
snow. The air is calm and crisp, easily showing each
breath you make. Though there is no real escape from
the bite of winter the people are in high spirits, for
it is the midwinter festival. The quiet murmurs of
neighbours bidding good morning builds as conversations
grow louder and more animated until a cacophony of
clanging bells ring throughout the village. A parade of
furry monsters begin their journey to the centre of
town marking the beginning of the festival.
SOUND: MUSIC FADES OUT
GUNNER
All right. We got our three characters here is we’re
gonna have like little vignettes of what you’d be doing
today of all days, the midwinter festival that is, so I
guess we’ll just roll randomly to see who goes first.
HANNAH
Yeah!
SPENCER
Let’s find out!
GUNNER
Alright
HANNAH
Who’s one two and three? Are you just gonna decide that
on your own?
GUNNER
Hannah is one, Spencer’s two Callie’s three.
SPENCER
Nice.
GUNNER
I don’t know. It’s fine.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
123456?
HANNAH
Nice.
GUNNER
Oh. That’s smart. Yeah. I’ll use a d6. I was gonna use
a d4. And then reroll on four.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
Yeah d6. Sounds good.
GUNNER
All right. Two, we’re going with Spencer
SPENCER
Hi!
GUNNER
Spencer. What would kind of moss be doing on this
bright, early morn?
SPENCER
Well K O M would be waking up in their lovely mossy
little tree stump house...
SOUND: LOW DRONING VOICES AND PERCUSSION MUSIC
SPENCER
And, mmm, stretching awake, taking a look at the sticks
of incense that would have been burned out overnight
and replacing them with new ones made from dried bits
of forestry and mulch. Going through their morning
routine of showing praise and penance to the different
spirits of the forest, strapping the very predominant
glaive that they carry with them onto their back before
making their morning rounds to supply the different
totems surrounding the village with offerings on the
little ceramic plates that are in front of them.
Whether that be buried scraps of metal and fabric or
bits of cured meats depending on which spirit it is.
Just keeping an eye on the edges of the town and
leaving offerings while continually speaking small
hymns and prayers under their breath.
GUNNER
Awesome. What is... what does Kin-of-Moss look like?
SPENCER
Kin-of-Moss looks like a large man, except is, partly
by effort, partly by circumstances kind of a little bit
covered in moss with a somewhat predominant head piece
that looks almost like antlers curling around the back
of their head. Alongside of that, a very, very common
looking brown robe type setup, but held on to their
body with a bunch of different waist and one sort of
shoulder-to-waist belts, all of which are absolutely
covered in teeny tiny little scratches, writing out
different promises, prayers, hymns, and affirmations
that they would be bringing their thumb over and
reciting to themself as they go about their business.
GUNNER
You go about your morning as usual, going to your
sacred site of totems and rocks that you’ve accrued
throughout your years here in the Mountain Village. You
go out to monitor the foot traffic coming in and out of
town and give your own offerings in this little sacred
circle. You see already placed as a fresh loaf of
bread, which to you means that the village elder Adaman
Efim has already come and made his offerings and
quickly left to go make sure everything else during the
festival is running very smoothly.
SOUND: MUSIC FADES OUT
GUNNER
You can actually see him at the other side of the hill
anxiously hovering over villagers as they start
dressing up in costumes. About every now and then he’ll
get waved away by someone who’s gotten too annoyed with
him. And he just goes on to the next one adjusting
people’s bells, tightening their ties around their
furry costumes and just being a bit of a nuisance more
than any help, really. Spencer, can you roll on the
race chart for me for Adaman Efim? I am using Jeremy
Cobb’s race table from the Three Black Halflings with a
bit of modification to it just to have races that are
more akin to this area. d12 and a d4 please.
SPENCER
On it! Alright, so that’s going to be a two on the d4
and a 10 on the d12.
GUNNER
All right, this very high-strung, bouncing off the
walls, nervous older gentleman is a turtle for tortle.
ALL
Aww
GUNNER
For a tortle, he is more slightly than other tortles.
He has the average turtle shell size it’s just he’s so
skinny that it like looks very oversized for him in a
way. He just has this very like shaky energy about him.
He wears purple robes kind of just, like very elegant
looking very high status looking man. The most
noticeable thing about him is just his like large eyes
that are just like constantly looking back and forth
and looking all around.
SPENCER
All I can see is somewhere between Master Oogway and
Master of Disguise.
CALLIE
Oh my god.
GUNNER
Oh my god. Yeah, yeah, he’s got like thick rim glasses
that make... just like magnify his eyes
SPENCER
I’m just going to sort of wander over and just sort of
be calm, affirming, present but also try to get his
attention away from other people with a quick
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Good morning. As I’m sure you know, Adaman the sapling
cannot grow in the shade of the oak.
EFIM (GUNNER)
Well, that might be the case but this day is very
important. You know, sometimes the Oak has to shine to
make sure the saplings grow, getting that ground and
grow. We need the winter gone for saplings to grow.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I appreciate your concern Adaman but I don’t think
that’s how trees work. But why don’t you walk with me a
moment and tell me what seems to be on your mind in
particular? Oftentimes, it can be easy to only focus on
the forest and not the trees. I’m full of these this
morning. Look at me!
EFIM (GUNNER)
You really are. I have a lot on my plate.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Yeah, I’m aware, I’m aware. Tell me, tell me. What is
the most pressing concern for you this morning?
EFIM (GUNNER)
Every morning, well, the first thing was to put out the
breads. The bears don’t come.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I saw Yeah, I was there.
That was the one thing. The second thing is to make
sure everyone is dressed and we have enough people
making enough noise. So the winter spirits leave and
spring can come into its own, so the farmers can farm
and we can have food so that we can eat and then
survive another winter.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Mm hmm. Mm hmm.
EFIM (GUNNER)
Yeah. So like big picture stuff.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, yeah, I’m definitely there with the…
EFIM (GUNNER)
Like huge pictures, life and death stuff is happening
right here right now.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
When is life and death stuff not happening?
EFIM (GUNNER)
Usually when I’m sleeping.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Well, then we’re all still here anyways, aren’t we?
Now, Adaman, why don’t we take the thing that you’ve
been trying to figure out the most in particular? Maybe
I can help you address that this morning. Is there
anything major or just every sort of little detail
you’re trying to put into place?
EFIM (GUNNER)
Oh, well, everything is major. We got to make sure
everyone’s dressed up in their costumes. We’ve got to
make sure all the actors doing their silly little plays
make people laugh because you know laughter is the best
medicine for spirits
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I definitely have found that when someone forces me to
laugh, I do find jokes funnier.
EFIM (GUNNER)
Yep. You know, we’ve got to get the comedians there so
people can ask them to tell them a joke.
LAUGHTER
EFIM (GUNNER)
We got to get everyone in town up and at ’em just doing
what we can. And if I’m not there to make sure they’re
all doing the right thing, then they’re probably doing
the wrong thing.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I’m still trying to determine if...
EFIM (GUNNER)
You’re really taking up a lot of my time right now.
LAUGHTER
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Yeah, I’m aware! And I’m...
EFIM (GUNNER)
There’s like 50 people that I need to put bells on!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
And those five people all just finished putting their
bells on while we were talking.a
EFIM (GUNNER)
I have to go check if they made them right.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Yeah, and you should go do that now.
EFIM (GUNNER)
Okay...
GUNNER
So yeah, Efim wanders off, just being a little menace.
Like a little mosquito buzzing around everyone sucking
the joy out of their faces.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Jesus.
HANNAH
So, what I’m hearing is this guy sucks.
SPENCER
Eat trash Efim.
GUNNER
Efim, I fucking hate you. People just start like
noogie-ing him, giving him wedgies.
HANNAH
How many times do we have to tell you old man?
SPENCER
I’m just going to sort of wander off. Make sure to see
if there’s anything actually pressing that I can help
with and making sure I’m keeping an eye out for that
goat.
GUNNER
All right, I’ll have you make a perception check.
SPENCER
I’ll do so. So that’s natural Eight plus one for nine.
GUNNER
You’re checking out for stuff. You see a few people
like running out of the main village clearly late to
get dressed for the parade that they’re about to go on.
So most of the traffic is coming out. There’s not a lot
coming in, it seems except for two people but you don’t
really notice anything distinct about them. Just people
walking in with like packs on their back.
SPENCER
Cool.
GUNNER
Yeah.
SPENCER
All right, then I’ll just sort of continue looking for
ways to make myself useful as I go about the rest of my
morning then.
GUNNER
Alright, well, let’s change this scene. Odette. What
are you doing on this morning?
SOUND: SOFT JAZZ MUSIC
CALLIE
So I have my cart set up on the festival grounds and I
have a little fire going with a little campstove and I
have a little pot of... I’m advertising it as apple
cider but it’s just hot water that I have cast
prestidigitation on to make it taste like really good
apple cider.
HANNAH
Isn’t that almost as good as just being apple cider?
CALLIE
It doesn’t have like, the nutrients.
HANNAH
Mmm, what a scam. What a ploy.
GUNNER
A scam.
HANNAH
Everybody drinks apple cider for the nutrients.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
This is why scurvy is rampant.
GUNNER
So you’re doing your little makeshift cider?
CALLIE
I also have like snacks for sale but it’s just like the
food that I usually have, which is like dry rations for
travelers
GUNNER
By like has like the tiniest bit of powdered sugar, so
they might think it’s like a Turkish Delight but it
just dried meat underneath
HANNAH
Ew.
CALLIE
Yeah, except it’s like twice as expensive as it
usually is. I’m selling the cider for like eight copper
pieces, which is like $8, right?
GUNNER
Yeah.
CALLIE
In the hopes that they will give me a silver piece and
just say like, keep the change as a tip.
GUNNER
So you’re like, really schmoozing these people too?
CALLIE
Yeah.
GUNNER
Oh, excellent. Can you describe Odette to me?
CALLIE
Oh, yeah. So I’m like, three foot ish tall. I have
light green skin and I have a long black braid. I’m
currently wearing like the world’s biggest like fluffy
winter coat. I’m like right next to this fire and I’m
still very cold.
ALL
Aww.
GUNNER
So yeah, you’re selling your wares in the Market
Square. It’s really the only square in town the town
small enough that like the market and where people
gather... It’s all just the same place. You see a
couple stalls around. There’s only like one or two
shops quote unquote, but like not very active stuff and
definitely don’t have like the things that you have.
Like you. You’re like a general store in a cart. These
people are just like, a little more specialized. Like a
little artisan like shops.
CALLIE
Like a cheese shop?
GUNNER
Like a cheese shop.
HANNAH
Like a bakery.
GUNNER
Like a bakery. Yeah, around town, there’s also like,
little like plays going on. You see, like people
tumbling around and acting out very exaggerated scenes
to the delight of the crowds. You see some tents and as
like, little fun things that like kids and families
could go into and be entertained for a little bit. You
see one little tent, a very utilitarian tent with the
sign in just plain text that says The Goat Hut. You see
like kids running around. People are crowding around
your cart because you actually have supplies and stuff
and like have food on display outside while like the
pub is pretty quiet at this moment.
CALLIE
Yeah, you like need to leave the festivities in order
to...
GUNNER
Yeah, everyone wants to partake in the festival. So
it’s very convenient that there is a cart here.
CALLIE
Ah, yes.
GUNNER
But every time they come up and see the prices, they’re
like "Oh. Ugh"
HANNAH
That’s festival food, baby!
CUSTOMER (GUNNER)
So it’s eight? Eight copper? For a... for a cider?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
It’s good! It’s so cold! It’ll warm you right up.
CUSTOMER (GUNNER)
Can I? Can I have a taster? Like a little shooter? Like
a little flight of ciders, so I can decide which one I
like?
CALLIE
I’m assuming to-go cups don’t exist. Would this be like
everyone walks around with a cup?
GUNNER
Yeah.
CALLIE
Yeah, I will ladle like, like, a miniscule... Like a
teaspoon into their cup.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
What do they taste since you put prestidigitation? I’m
sure
CALLIE
It’s... it’s an apple cider like a lot of like cinnamon
and like allspice and like cloves and like some orange.
Like, like, I think Odette at one point had a very good
apple cider.
GUNNER
Yeah.
CALLIE
And she locked that into her mind, as like "I could do
this with prestidigitation." And has been like going
off of that one memory, for like years.
GUNNER
Excellent. This person. They take a drink of it. They
smack their lips. Wow, you really put a lot of spices
in this. I’m not feeling very satisfied from it, but
the flavor’s good. I don’t feel satiated. But it is
warm and spicy. So yeah. Okay, here’s one silver piece.
Keep the change.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Thank you.
GUNNER
I’ll have Odette Make a perception check.
CALLIE
GUNNER
- As like this person was chatting you up, you see
some movement from the corner of your eyes. As he
leaves you see, like kids running away from the side of
your cart. Like clearly hiding something in their hands
as they run away.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Hey! Hey! Come back here!
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Ah! No!
GUNNER
They run away. They start running...
CALLIE
Do I recognize these kids?
GUNNER
You like recognize, like everyone you can probably like
find their parents if you want or just like, tell an
elder.
CALLIE
Okay.
HANNAH
You can be a narc if you want.
CALLIE
I absolutely am not going to follow them and leave my
entire cart unattended. I’m just like, "Mmm. I know
you. I’ll come back to this later." What are their
names?
GUNNER
Their names are Jaromir and Zenya.
HANNAH
What did they take?
CALLIE
Could I see what they took?
GUNNER
Make an investigation check.
CALLIE
Actually yeah. That’s a good idea. Because if it’s
something expensive. Investigation?
GUNNER
Yeah
Nine.
GUNNER
You just hear in the crowd a’who gave a kid a knife?"
CALLIE
Oh my god.
GUNNER
They also took like a dice set. So they’re also like
playing dice just in the middle of the street and
people are just like tumbling over them like because
they’re all crouched down and it’s just like, this is
very inconvenient kids.
CALLIE
Is there... Is there someone nearby who I trust?
GUNNER
Yeah, you see another village elder there. You see
Adaman Sasha is there just kind of like watching the
festivities. Callie, can you roll on the race chart for
Adaman Sasha?
CALLIE
That’s one and four.
GUNNER
One on the?
CALLIE
One on the d12. Four on the d4.
GUNNER
All right, this slow going, relaxed shouldered man, is
this large, statuesque bear folk. So basically just a
bear.
CALLIE
Just a bear?
GUNNER
Just a bear. You see like the tips of his brown fur is
like graying a bit he has like a little bit of like a
salt and pepper look in his fur. His snout is like
long. His eyes are like a little droopy. As he just
lazily looks around. It seems like him and Ephim are
the polar opposites of what their energy should be
like. They should have switched personalities, is how
it came to.
CALLIE
Is this kind of like the mid form of a werebear?
GUNNER
Yeah,it looks like kind of like Baloo.
CALLIE
Aw, the sloth bear.
GUNNER
Yeah. He is very sloth-like.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Aw, hey, Sasha, can you watch my cart for a second? I
gotta go chase some kids.
SASHA (GUNNER)
Yep.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
(Beat) Okay, bye!
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Then I chase these kids.
GUNNER
They’re gonna fuckin’... start running! So let’s do a
chase!
HANNAH
A little chase scene!
GUNNER
So we’ll roll initiative for this then.
CALLIE
Okay. 23
HANNAH
Oh my god.
GUNNER
They got an 18.
HANNAH
You’re gaining some ground already.
CALLIE
I got an 18 too, but I got a modifier.
GUNNER
You know what, since we’re here, let’s roll on the race
table to see what race these kids are. Callie, can you
roll me a d12 and a d4?
CALLIE
Yeah. Okay, d12 is five, d4 is three.
GUNNER
All right, these kids are halflings. So their speed is
- Wow, you guys have the same speed, right?
CALLIE
No, my speed is 30!
Ah!
CALLIE
Ah ha ha!
GUNNER
All right, so you have two...
CALLIE
We’re both small though...
GUNNER
Yeah, you have two halfling kids and they’re even
smaller
HANNAH
Odette doesn’t have any kids. Don’t worry. Odette is
childless at this time.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
At this point... But will she catch a child? Find out
next time on Class Feature. Odette, it’s your turn. I’m
Is there any special action you want to do? Or?
CALLIE
I just want to run and dash.
GUNNER
All right, you run and dash you make it...
HANNAH
60 feet.
GUNNER
Basically to them? Yeah. 60 feet
CALLIE
Ok.
GUNNER
Like they have not been able to get away. Never mind
about this chase sequence.
HANNAH
As in real life, it’s a short chase between kids and an
adult.
CALLIE
I’m just gonna, like, Would I be able to get like ahead
of them?
GUNNER
Yeah, you can try.
CALLIE
Okay,I’m just gonna like try and like get ahead of them
and just be like "Stop!"
GUNNER
As you like, try and make like that like wide turn
around to stop them.
CALLIE
Mm hmm.
GUNNER
Someone passes by with like their donkey and cart. I’m
gonna have you make an acrobatics check to get out of
the way of this...
ODETTE (CALLIE)
My number one rival...
GUNNER
It is a very busy street.
CALLIE
GUNNER
- You just barely get out of the way of this cart and
donkey. It goes a little "Wee Snaw" as you pass it.
HANNAH
Aw.
GUNNER
You give it a little bit of a fright.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I’m sorry, I love you!
GUNNER
But it was enough of a distraction that they’ve now
have been able to get away from you.
CALLIE
Mmm.
GUNNER
You didn’t... you weren’t able to stop them. So you’re
like, right near them as you dodge this cart. And then
they run and dash 50 feet away. I’ll see what happens
to them.
HANNAH
It is a busy festival.
GUNNER
Since, it is very busy.
HANNAH
And they have a knife.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
Is anyone else trying to stop that?
GUNNER
You see one of them like kind of trip a little bit. But
they just kind of like lose their shoe. Keep running
without losing too much speed. I’m going to see if
there are other adults that want to also help take
responsibility for these children. Yeah, there’s like a
couple that are there now. I’m gonna have the kids make
a check to make sure...
HANNAH
These kids are getting so many rolls!
GUNNER
I know! These kids are the main campaign actually...
It’s just me playing D&D by myself.
HANNAH
I mean, if that was the show they probably would be.
GUNNER
Oh, yeah, they don’t get out of the way. There’s like a
pair of adults that just like look over and they’re...
they grabbed like their arms and they’re like, "Why are
you guys running with a knife?" So you’re able to now
catch up to them if you’d like.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Come on kids. Why? Why you... Why’d you take this knife
and also this dice set? Yes. I also saw that.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Oh, yeah. Well, we just thought, you know, things are
too expensive for us. So we thought we would just take
’em.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Why do you even need a knife? Like this isn’t even like
a kitchen knife. This is like a dagger that you would
fight with.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
We’re gonna throw them at bottles.
What?
LAUGHTER
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
We’re gonna go throw them at bottles.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
You’re gonna throw these dice at bottles?
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Uh, no, the knife. We’re going to practice knife
throwing skills.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay. Um. You could have asked to borrow them.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
I feel like if we did that, you would have asked for
money.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I would have asked your parents if it was okay for you
to be doing this.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
And they would have said no. And so here we are
stealing knives.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
So, you... You know it’s not okay for you to be doing
this. And you also know it’s not ok for you to steal.
But you thought those would like negate each other?
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Yeah. I mean, it’s not okay to just come into this
village and make big price things.
LAUGHTER
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay, I sell things at prices people are willing to pay
for them. That is supply and demand. I am supplying
these items and people are demanding them. Otherwise
they just wouldn’t buy them.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
You came here with the supply. I don’t know if they
demand... I don’t know how economy works.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
You don’t know... ok.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
I’m 20.
LAUGHTER
ODETTE (CALLIE)
You’re 20? Oh, ok.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Yeah. I’m a halfling.
CALLIE
How old is that for a halfling? Like what... What age
do they reach maturity?
GUNNER
I don’t know, 40?
I feel like you’re interacting with like to eight year
olds.
GUNNER
Yeah. They’re like eight.
HANNAH
The equivalent of age.
Yeah.
CALLIE
I think that...
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Come on it’s been 20 years and I haven’t been able to
throw a knife at a bottle!
CALLIE
I think that according to a goblin lifespan, I could
not be older than 20.
GUNNER
Yeah.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Um.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Imagine going your whole life without throwing a knife
at a bottle.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Would you like me to teach you?
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Yes.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Thank you.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Can we do that when it’s not busy?
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Yes. Here you go. Here’s your knife and dice set back.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Yeah, why did you want the dice set?
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Just to play games.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay, but like, I feel like dice set is like mostly
gambling stuff. Are you gambling?
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Yeah, I mean, we’re stealing. So yeah, we’re
gambling...
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Do you... Do you want... Like, what do you gamble with?
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Bottles?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
How do you have so many bottles? You can sell the
bottles to buy stuff.
HANNAH
The bottle economy is good.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
We steal the bottles as well.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Oh my... Okay. You should give those bottles...
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
We have like a whole bottle ring. It’s this whole
thing.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Wait, more of you are doing this?
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
There’s a child gang and we just...
ODETTE (CALLIE)
There’s a child gang?!
LAUGHTER
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Ok. How long has this been going on?
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Like five years!
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Oh my god. I do not understand this town at all.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
It’s a lawless land. What can I tell ya?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay, but like... Like, I’m not going to teach you how
to throw knives if I think you’re just gonna like try
and kill other kids with these knives.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
We wouldn’t take it that far.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Well, what do you think throwing a knife at someone
does?!
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
I don’t know. My cerebral cortex is not fully
developed.
LAUGHTER
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Is there any way I can convince you to not be in a
child gang?
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
I don’t know. Just take your knife back.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay. Yeah.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Jeez.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I will...
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
I’d much rather be in this gang, than have a knife.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay, fine. I’m not gonna tell your parents because I’m
not a narc. But please don’t steal from me again. I
will catch you very easily.
GUNNER
They walk off grouchily.
CALLIE
I come back to my cart and see if anything else is
missing.
GUNNER
You come back to your cart and Sasha is there kind of
like has just been like dishing out drinks and stuff.
CALLIE
Just like for free?
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Yes, just for free! You didn’t give them any
instructions, so they’ve just been doing it for free.
And people are much happier about it.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
That’s fine. Hey, Sasha, did you know there’s a child
gang in town?
SASHA (GUNNER)
They’re jus’ tradin’ bottles, mostly it’s just nothing.
HANNAH
Oh my god.
SASHA (GUNNER)
They’re just bottles.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
So they... they trade them?
SASHA (GUNNER)
Yeah, it’s not really a gang. It’s like, you know, card
games. Kids they play card games and then you trade
bottles.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay, they did try and steal a knife so I think that
maybe it’s escalating.
SASHA (GUNNER)
Oh no. Ok.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Like a dagger. So...
SASHA (GUNNER)
Oh no. Oh no. That’s not good.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
That might be something you should keep your eye on.
SASHA (GUNNER)
Oh, thank you for telling me that. All right, well,
I’ve been giving the villagers your nice warm spicy
water. So spirits are high.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
There’s no spirits in there. It’s not alcohol.
SASHA (GUNNER)
Oh, good because I did give it to children.
SASHA (GUNNER)
Okay. Yeah, that’s on me. I didn’t give you any
instructions.
SASHA (GUNNER)
No.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Um. Thank you for watching my cart. Did anything else
gets stolen?
SASHA (GUNNER)
No.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay. Thank you.
SASHA (GUNNER)
Did I give things away? No people just...
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Did you just give things away?
SASHA (GUNNER)
No people just were asking for cider.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay.
SASHA (GUNNER)
I would offer things when people would be like "No,
just the cider is fine."
ODETTE (CALLIE)
All right.
SASHA (GUNNER)
Like, "are you sure this bucket looks really good? Who
doesn’t like a free bucket?"
ODETTE (CALLIE)
What?
SASHA (GUNNER)
HM?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
You were... You’re trying
to give away like inventory that I have?
SASHA (GUNNER)
Yeah
ODETTE (CALLIE)
You do know this is a business, right? It’s not like a,
like a like a take a penny, leave a penny. Take a
copper, leave a copper?
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
And then I sort of like to the crowd like,
ODETTE (CALLIE)
All right. All right. Our sale of free cider is now
over. Now it’s back to the price it was before.
CALLIE
I’m gonna take some of the like, more easily accessible
weapons and just like hang them like slightly higher
and farther into the cart.
GUNNER
Excellent. Pip Squeak!
HANNAH
Hello
SOUND: LIGHT, CHEERFUL FLUTE MUSIC
GUNNER
What have you been up to this morning?
HANNAH
This morning? Started as it always does. Me already
awake in the field with my goat looking for any goats
that might have gotten into places that they shouldn’t
be, and then just make it our way into the town.
GUNNER
Awesome. What does Pip Squeak look like?
HANNAH
Pip Squeak is a brown owl. Somewhere between three and
four feet? Hard to tell with the feathers. And I have
not thought about what she’s wearing. But she’s wearing
something appropriate to the setting. Yeah.
GUNNER
Excellent.
HANNAH
That about sums her up.
GUNNER
All right, you have approached town?
HANNAH
Yeah, I’ve approached town. Pip had set up a... I’m
assuming it would... it would make sense to set up a
tent the night before. Or like the day before
operation.
GUNNER
Yeah.
HANNAH
And so as you mentioned earlier, there is just a plain
tent that says, I believe you said "goat hut".
GUNNER
Yeah.
HANNAH
Just Goat Hut out front. And so Pip sort of like
shepherds all the goats and there’s... riding Pip
around them to sort of like herd the goats in through
the little like tent flap. And they
PIP (HANNAH)
All right. All right. All of you get in there. Get on.
Go on. Don’t leave your foot out.
GOAT (GUNNER)
Aah. Baah.
PIP (HANNAH)
Alright.
GUNNER
You just see like, because it’s in a tent, there’s just
loose fabric. Every now and then a goat just starts
wandering out of the tent flaps.
LAUGHTER
GOAT (GUNNER)
Aah.
HANNAH
I set Mimi to patrol around the edges of the tent to
keep the other goats in line.
GUNNER
Mimi has very serious goat eyes. Like just circling the
tent.
HANNAH
Mm hmm.
CALLIE
It’s like getting a 10 year old to supervise a bunch of
8 year olds.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Yeah. Mimi is taking their job very seriously.
HANNAH
Yeah. She’s a serious goat. Serious kinda girl.
GUNNER
So you set up your little goat tent.
HANNAH
Yeah!
GUNNER
Your goat hut. You’re there to do an event. You wanted
to participate.
HANNAH
People...
SOUND: MUSIC ENDS
GUNNER
Oh my god. There’s a spider! Oh, it’s descending. Oh,
it’s right near your mic.
CALLIE
Hmm!
HANNAH
Oh! Oh, my God.
SPENCER
Hello miss...
GUNNER
Oh.
CALLIE
Hmm!
SPENCER
HANNAH
All right! Continuing the set.
GUNNER
We have been saved.
HANNAH
We have been saved.
GUNNER
Thank you, Spencer. Our hero.
HANNAH
That spider was simply having a nice time.
GUNNER
(MAKES DISGUSTED NOISES)
I know.
HANNAH
She wanted to be part of the pod.
CALLIE
Hmm!
HANNAH
I’ll leave...
SOUND: LIGHT, CHEERFUL FLUTE MUSIC
GUNNER
So Pip Squeak. You’re in your tent.
HANNAH
Yes, we join Pip in the goat tent. I don’t know. I
don’t know if anyone’s going to come into the goat
tent. And I’m picturing it being somewhat like, like a
petting zoo type situation. People can come in...
GUNNER
Right.
HANNAH
...and pet the goats. They are friendly.
GUNNER
I’d say...
HANNAH
There’s nothing like necessarily super inviting about
the tent. It’s just...
GUNNER
Yeah.
HANNAH
It’s just there.
GUNNER
I was gonna say it’s very like bare bones on the
outside.
HANNAH
Yeah.
GUNNER
So you’re not getting like a lot of attention, but...
HANNAH
But if people do come in, after I would say about like
five or ten minutes, if the people are still there, Pip
will be like
PIP (HANNAH)
Alright, (2 claps) Showtime, ladies!
HANNAH
And she gets out like three little hoops and sets them
up in front of like the back end of the tent, and the
goats all sort of like line up. And then one by one
they sort of like jump through. And then they jump back
through. And then she sort of like sets up another
bunch of hoops.
GUNNER
Aw.
HANNAH
A little bit in front. So there’s like three at the
back and two. So one row of goat goes through the back
while the other one goes in the other direction through
their front. And she’s like
PIP (HANNAH)
Ugh perfect form. Looking great. Oh, Sasha, nice jump.
GUNNER
So many Sashas in town.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Was this goat named after the Adaman?
HANNAH
Who can say? We just don’t know.
GUNNER
Who can say?
SPENCER
Any relations to persons living or dead by goats in
this performance are purely coincidental.
GUNNER
That’s a really long sentence to put under your sign.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
It’s in very small font.
GUNNER
You put on the show and they start counting the sheep.
SOUND: MUSIC ENDS
AUDIENCE MEMBER (GUNNER)
One, two...
PIP (HANNAH)
You don’t... you don’t have to count them.
AUDIENCE MEMBER (GUNNER)
...Three, four. I’m sleepy. This is a sleepy tent.
Wait, this isn’t... Is this sheep?
PIP (HANNAH)
These are not sheep. These are goats.
AUDIENCE MEMBER (GUNNER)
Oh, never mind, I’m fine, then actually.
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE MEMBER (GUNNER)
I’m awake now.
PIP (HANNAH)
Oh, you’re...
AUDIENCE MEMBER (GUNNER)
Yeah, thank you for the show! Wow, wonderful.
PIP (HANNAH)
You’re. Very welcome. Please enjoy the rest of the
festival.
AUDIENCE MEMBER (GUNNER)
I will. This is great! Martha! Did you see this goat
tent?
PIP (HANNAH)
Excuse me I have to go adjust the sign. These are not
sheep.
LAUGHTER
MARTHA (GUNNER)
Oh my god, there’s goats in here!
PIP (HANNAH)
Yeah! There are goats!
MARTHA (GUNNER)
Who put the goats in here? Did you put the goats in
here?
PIP (HANNAH)
I am the goat herder of this town presently.
MARTHA (GUNNER)
Oh my god...
PIP (HANNAH)
These are not my goats, but they’re the town’s goats. I
have one goat she’s over there. That’s Mimi. Say Hi,
Mimi.
MIMI (GUNNER)
Baah.
MARTHA (GUNNER)
Wow, that’s so cute.
PIP (HANNAH)
Yeah!
MARTHA (GUNNER)
I love it. Shut up. Anyway, this was fun goodbye.
PIP (HANNAH)
Goodbye enjoy the festival!
MARTHA (GUNNER)
Will do!
CALLIE
I want there to be like, like a BlogTO or like a
Hornetina that’s like "Did you know: Hornetina’s winter
festival’s best kept secret is The Goat Hut. You need
to go I know it looks unassuming
GUNNER
You need to goat. Goat tent? The G.O.A.T. of the
festival.
HANNAH
Question mark, exclamation mark!
GUNNER
After a bit of time, a few people trickle in and out of
the goat tent.
HANNAH
Yeah, it makes no effort to encourage or dissuade them
from being present in the tent.
GUNER
You’re simply participating.
HANNAH
Simply participating.
GUNNER
As the day goes on, one of the village elders enters to
check on you. It is Adaman Radinka. Would you like to
roll the race of Adaman Radinka?
HANNAH
We have a three on the d4 and a five on the d12.
GUNNER
You see this short, muscular, halfling woman enter your
tent, her red curly hair going gray on the temples. You
see their wide warm brown eyes, wearing like these
earth tones. Bundled up in a little like bit of fur.
PIP (HANNAH)
Everyone! Attention! Attention. The Adaman is here.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Now, there’s no... There’s no
ALL
(GOAT NOISES)
HANNAH
All the goats sort of like line up. And like Mimi
marches out to the front and is like bop bop.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
What a lovely display. You don’t have to do that for
- I’m just here checking in on you.
PIP (HANNAH)
Not at all. Not at all, Adaman Radinka. It’s no
trouble.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Oh, but it is. I’m just a humble woman. I’m just here,
making sure everything is running smoothly. And it
seems...
PIP (HANNAH)
Yeah, Goat Hut. Ship shape.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Everything is in tip top shape. You shouldn’t work
yourself to death there honey. You should...
PIP (HANNAH)
Just working as hard as I need.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Well, I need you to go have some fun.
PIP (HANNAH)
Hm?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Go have some fun. You know...
PIP (HANNAH)
I, (Pip winks) shall patrol the festival.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Go have a drink. Just relax. It’s fine. It’s supposed
to be a fun day.
PIP (HANNAH)
I see what you’re saying, Adaman Radinka. Don’t you
worry.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
No, you don’t. I...
PIP
Goats! Disperse!
RADINKA (GUNNER)
I do not have...
HANNAH
The goats leave the tent.
LAUGHTER
VILLAGER (GUNNER)
Ah what the fuck are all those goats doing here?
SPENCER
Somewhere across the plaza, Kin-of-Moss is just staring
at all of these goats, palpably distraught.
HANNAH
Pip hangs up a little closed sign at the front of the
goat tent. And it’s like
PIP (HANNAH)
Alright, I’ll go have fun...
HANNAH
Pip winks and just to trots off with Mimi.
GUNER
All right, so you’re... patrolling?
HANNAH
Yep.
GUNNER
Now, excellent. So you trot out of your...
HANNAH
Yeah.
GUNNER
Out of your hut. You see goats just wandering around.
Some of...
They’re doing it in like an orderly fashion.
GUNNER
They’re making their way back to the farm.
HANNAH
Yeah
GUNNER
But, there are some people wearing like, some funky
costumes. Some of them are made out of like hay coats
and stuff.
HANNAH
Chaos.
GUNNER
The goats just start grazing on one of them. There’s
like a lot going on. Seems like it’s even getting even
livelier out here as people are excitedly watching,
seeing all of like the outfits and stuff.
HANNAH
Do I see any suspicious activity?
GUNNER
Yeah, make a perception check.
HANNAH
I wouldn’t want anything to get too dangerous. While
everyone’s just trying to have a fun time. That is a
non-nat 20.
GUNNER
There isn’t anything too nefarious going on. You do see
two people walking into The town square. Clearly not
from here. Doesn’t even seem like they’re from like,
anywhere too too close by.
HANNAH
Okay
GUNNER
Like there’s some like farms and stuff...
HANNAH
Right.
GUNNER
Farmers would come here for the festival. These look
like people in... geared up to climb a mountain. And
they do not look happy about it. They seem to be like
grumbling at each other.
HANNAH
Okay
GUNNER
As they enter The Creaky Wagon, the one pub in town,
seemingly like they’re getting food or something.
Maybe.
HANNAH
Oh, hmm. I clippity clop on over there and figure I’ll
go in. See what these strangers have to say,
GUNNER
All right, you clippety clop in.
HANNAH
I leave Mimi at the front. I don’t think she’s
necessarily welcome in the bar.
GUNNER
You leave Mimi at the front. She gives you a little
like goat salute.
CALLIE
How did you bend your leg like that?
LAUGHTER
MIMI (GUNNER)
Aah!
HANNAH
Her goat salute is just to stamp or foot two times?
ALL
Aw.
GUNNER
She drags her hoof in the ground two times and then
stand incredibly still.
SPENCER
Why, yes, actually Mimi would like to live deliciously.
GUNNER
And head pointed straight out, as she watches.
HANNAH
And I’m like
PIP (HANNAH)
At ease Mimi.
GUNNER
She brings her head back in and relax a little bit.
Does a little circle around.
HANNAH
Yes
GUNNER
And lies down, nestled up to like...
HANNAH
There’s like a water trough or something.
GUNNER
Yeah, by the water trough.
HANNAH
Aw.
GUNNER
So, yeah. You enter.
HANNAH
All right. I go on inside.
GUNNER
You enter The Creaky Wagon. The pub is pretty sparse,
except for the two travelers you saw coming in. They
sit down at the bar, relieving themselves of the packs
that they had been carrying. You see, like a younger
couple there with like a baby just trying to get away
from the noise. And you see a woman and an older man,
the woman is reading the man’s Tarot. Okay. And this is
the scene you come into. What would you like to do?
HANNAH
I’m just... I’m gonna go over up to the bar and
probably just introduce myself.
GUNNER
To the travelers?
HANNAH
Yeah. A big
PIP (HANNAH)
Hey, I couldn’t help it. I notice you guys walk and I
don’t think I’ve seen your faces before. Yeah, welcome.
No Hornetina. Is there anything in particular you’re
looking to do here?
GUNNER
You approach and you sit at the stool next to them.
HANNAH
And crank it up.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
You crank up the stool. It takes like, an uncomfortable
amount of time. You’ve finished your whole sentence
before it’s even cranked up.
HANNAH
Yeah, I’m still...
GUNNER
And they wait for the final crank before they talk to
you. I will have you roll on the race chart to see who
these people are.
HANNAH
Yeah. Sure. Would someone else like to roll for the
second person?
GUNNER
I will roll, I guess.
HANNAH
Sure!
GUNNER
If you’re offering.
HANNAH
Yeah!
GUNNER
All right.
HANNAH
I got a two on the d4 and a 12.
GUNNER
12 on the d12?
HANNAH
Yeah
GUNNER
Roll again!
HANNAH
That’s a two.
GUNNER
All right, and I’ll roll as well. I got an eight on the
d12. And two on the d4. All right, you see before you
they turn towards you...
HANNAH
At the same time?
GUNNER
Yeah, at the same time, they look as they were... were
kind of bent over talking to each other in a whispered
conversation. They look over to you both extremely
large and bulky in stature.
HANNAH
Mm hmm.
GUNNER
One of them is a silver dragon born just looks over
with these almost glassy gray eyes. Kind of squinting
at you. The other is this hulking Minotaur with like,
large protruding horns. She looks over at you too, and
is just... They’re rather confused why you’re talking
to them. When you see the Dragonborn answers.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Were just um climbing the mountain. We’re just in town
for a little bite to eat and then we’re leaving.
PIP (HANNAH)
Okay!
HANNAH
From what I know about the mountain, is it a good time
of year to be climbing it? Or is it kind of dangerous
this time of year?
GUNNER
Absolutely not a good time.
HANNAH
Bad time.
GUNNER
To climb the mountain. This town is like the final town
before like the tree line ends.
HANNAH
Right.
GUNNER
And it becomes rocky and craggy.
HANNAH
Really inhospitable?
GUNNER
And you don’t really know of anything up the mountain
that people would want
HANNAH
Right.
PIP (HANNAH)
Climb the mountain you say?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Yeah, that’s what we’re gonna do.
PIP (HANNAH)
Pretty dangerous. Pretty dangerous climb. Almost
certainly a deadly climb. Just in case you didn’t know
I don’t know if you know that. You since you’re not
locals, obviously.
GUNNER
The Minotaur says
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
That’s what I’ve been saying. Why are we even going up
this
mountain?
GUNNER
The Dragonborn’s like,
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Shh. Just we got to climb the mountain. Alright? It’s
no big deal.
We’ll get... we’ll be fine.
PIP (HANNAH)
What do you... what do you got packed for a mountain
climb? Like are you prepared? I just want to make sure
you have good preparation for climbing a mountain. This
is your last stop that
you’re gonna see people at. It’d be a real shame if no
one made sure you actually had appropriate climbing
equipment.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Yeah, we got rope, pitons. We’ve got harnesses, we’ve
got rations. We’ve got mountain boots, you know, the
spiky boots.
PIP (HANNAH)
Fur lined ones?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Fur lined. Yes.
PIP (HANNAH)
Okay. You don’t have a guide or anything?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Are you offering? Is that why you’re talking to us
here,
PIP (HANNAH)
I could be a guide. If you want, I’m just checking, I
think it could be a good idea to have a local person
guide you. Might have a better chance of survival. I am
in charge of a goat herd at the moment, though. So I
may not be the best option. But there are some elders
you could talk to, and they could see if anyone in town
is a better fit.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
I think we’re good. I think we’re good.
HANNAH
Do they look like they’re good? I don’t think they look
like they’re good.
GUNNER
You can make an insight check.
HANNAH
No, I’m just gonna go with my own bad. I don’t think
they look that good.
GUNNER
You don’t think they’re good?
HANNAH
But I also think they clearly don’t want my help.
GUNNER
Mm hmm.
PIP (HANNAH)
So well just make sure you stick around for the
festival. Have a good time before you go.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
I think we’ll be going soon. We want to make sure it’s
still nice and sunny by the time we get up there.
PIP (HANNAH)
So you’re not planning to spend the night? If this is
your last stop before you get further up the mountain
is the last spot you’re gonna have a really good chance
at a good night’s sleep and everything. But I hope you
have a great time. I’ll be seeing you.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Thanks
HANNAH
I hop off the stool and like, flap a little bit to get
down.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
They go back to eating their meal and stuff and having
more of like a whispered conversation where they seem
perturbed that they’re having to do this task. And it
seems like they’re arguing back and forth about like,
why they’re going up there. Just as you’re walking away
and you’re not getting like actual any...
HANNAH
Yeah.
GUNNER
Particular detail.
HANNAH
These... This is just the vibe that I’m...
GUNNER
Unless you wanna like eavesdrop, or anything.
HANNAH
(BEAT)
No, no, I don’t think I’ll be eavesdropping.
GUNNER
Okay!
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
That’s fine!
HANNAH
You have the one person who probably would simply not
eavesdrop on a conversation.
GUNNER
You’re the only person who rolled high enough
perception though.
HANNAH
Would you like me to be able to simply overhear
something conveniently?
GUNNER
No, it’s a mystery.
HANNAH
Yeah, I think it’s good to have it be a
mystery. I appreciate a good mystery. And I appreciate
being a character who is deeply uninterested in her
surroundings.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
It really moves the plot along.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
It doesn’t though.
GUNNER
So do you exit the pub? What are you What do you want
to do now?
HANNAH
Is there... I don’t know if the barkeep would have any
useful information because they’ve been there for about
the same time that I have. And these new people. They
really didn’t care to talk at all. They didn’t want to
be charmed. Not even one bit.
GUNNER
Did you want to make charisma checks?
HANNAH
No, it’s too late now.
GUNNER
Oh, I’m sorry. You could.
HANNAH
No, I didn’t want to be making charisma checks.
GUNNER
Okay.
HANNAH
It just depended on who they were as people. And as
people, they were not having it.
GUNNER
No.
HANNAH
They didn’t want to help them they didn’t want to talk.
GUNNER
No.
HANNAH
Really moves the plot along.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Why I oughta... We’ll cut back to Kin-of-Moss as you’re
keeping your eye out for goats. And as the cacophony of
bells ringing becomes quieter and quieter as you’re on
the edge of town. The belting of goats becomes louder
and louder as you see them start to walk out of town,
grazing on like some plants that people have like put
outside just to have nice decoration some winter
garlands.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Hey, get that out of your mouth.
GOAT (GUNNER)
Baah.
SPENCER
Just like pull some soggy grass out of their mouth.
GOAT (GUNNER)
Aah!
That goat does not sound well. That sounds like a sick
goat. A rabid goat.
GOAT (GUNNER)
(SNORTS AND RETCHES)
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I’m pretty sure you were all told to go home now.
Right?
GOAT (GUNNER)
Maah.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
All right. Where’s where’s your... ugh? Where’s Squeak?
GOAT (GUNNER)
Maah?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
All right, look, a lot of you get home get going before
it gets too late in the day. And don’t let me catch you
snacking on anything else now right?
GOAT (GUNNER)
Mu Ahh?
LAUGHTER
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, yeah? You want to you want to play this game with
me? You’re talking an awful lot of smack for someone
with two drinkin’ horns stuck to their head.
GOAT (GUNNER)
Mah.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Yeah, I thought so. Off you go.
GUNNER
Walks away.
SPENCER
And I’m just going to sort of follow this trail of
goats back to where I think it came from.
GUNNER
As you are approaching town. It’s become the height of
the festival. The parade has entered the town square
and is now mingling with the other villagers. They’re
ringing bells and telling jokes and just having a
jovial time as the whole village is now gathered
together for this festival. And as you slowly approach,
huffing about goats and Pip, you feel cold air come
bellowing towards you. As the village starts to be
engulfed in a cold fog, the temperature drops
noticeably. You notice surfaces frosting over in thick
layers of ice as cold front seems to be coming into
town. It really hasn’t put anyone’s mood down. It’s not
unusual for a foggy day, especially up this high in the
mountains. But it has put a damper on the bright sunny
day that it used to be.
SPENCER
As I’m walking into town I’m just going to reach into a
pouch that has a few dried burrs in it and I’m just
going to crush them between my hands and mutter a
little hymn to the sun spirit as I’m walking back. Just
sort of looking around to see if I see anyone focusing
too much on like their words but not talking to anyone.
Seeing if anyone’s like looking intently at the sky
just in case I feel like someone’s doing this.
GUNNER
All right, make a perception check.
SPENCER
And that’s going to be a total of seven.
GUNNER
You see Adaman Efim is there. You see him also like
rubbing his hands and whispering stuff and just like
pacing around, seeming very displeased that there is
fog here ruining his perfect day.
SPENCER
Yeah.
HANNAH
Mm hmm.
GUNNER
You see Radinka talking to Sasha and you hear Radinka
be like
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Now what’s... the bottle gangs have gotten? Knives now?
I will go make sure that this bottle gang is put to
rest. We put a cap on this bottle gang.
GUNNER
And Sasha’s like
SASHA (GUNNER)
Yeah, kids will be kids. Haven’t we all broken a bottle
or two in our day? All turns out all right.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Yeah.
SASHA (GUNNER)
We all have to touch the stove you know? Make sure it’s
hot.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
I Do not know what you’re talking about!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
That reminds me Sasha...
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Children should not be bleeding from bottles
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
That reminds me Sasha, here’s your burn ointment. You
asked me for the other day and I’m just going to hand
him a little pouch.
SASHA (GUNNER)
Thank you.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Stop touching the stove.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
How did you become a village elder is my question?
SASHA (GUNNER)
Some people think I have a wise aura. Anyone want a
bucket?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
No. Is that your bucket?
SASHA (GUNNER)
No. I just kind of... walked away... I should go give
this back.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Is that Odette’s bucket?
SASHA (GUNNER)
Yeah.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Do you want me to... I can take it. I was gonna go that
way.
SASHA (GUNNER)
Yeah, there you go.
GUNNER
All right. You go to Odette’s. Odette, is there
anything you’re doing at this time, now that it’s kind
of like fogged over people seem to be like less
interacting with your cart now?
CALLIE
Are people like going inside? Like is it that cold? Or
is it?
GUNNER
Like you should be getting a full day of customers. But
yeah, they are dissipating.
CALLIE
I’m going to try and stick it out. I’m going to throw a
couple more logs on my fire and...
HANNAH
Brighten things up.
CALLIE
Hang out with my donkey.
GUNNER
As you try and stick it out. The crowd is dissipating.
You see a large Dragonborn and their even larger
Minotaur friend come up looking very disgruntled about
this fog. And they’re like
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
Do you have like a lantern or anything we could have?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Oh boy, do I. You adventurers?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
You could say that.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I’ve a lot of stuff that’s very useful to adventurers.
Are you going to climb the mountain?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Yes, we’re climbing the mountain.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Do you want a grappling hook?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
How much?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
The grappling hook, three gold.
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
All right,what else you got?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Why don’t you take a look?
CALLIE
I sort of open up my cart. So like some of the things
that were like hanging on the interior of a door and
now facing out so they can see it.
HANNAH
The knives are a little bit closer to the front.
CALLIE
The knives are out.
GUNNER
They will take a tinderbox. They’ll take like a couple
of tinder boxes.
HANNAH
So, they weren’t ready. So they did need more supplies.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
They’ll take a couple of flasks of oil, a hooded
lantern, they’ll take manacles. They’ll take a hunting
trap.
HANNAH
Manacles?
GUNNER
Yeah, and they’ll take your grappling hook.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
All right, so that’ll be 16 gold and five silver.
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
Well, I’ll just do 17 Gold make it easy.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Alright (chuckling)
GUNNER
This is like the most money you’ve seen. They’re
handing it over like, like a little annoyed, but like
I’ll have you roll an insight check.
CALLIE
11
GUNNER
You can tell they know you’re ripping them off, but
they don’t seem too bothered. They’re just like
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
Okay, just give us the equipment like
CALLIE
I’m only ripping them off a little bit. I’ve only
marked it up by like a gold and a half for all that
stuff.
GUNNER
Yeah, they seem like very casual about spending this
amount of money. And it seems like they’re getting
extra stuff like it’s not super necessary, but it seems
like they just want a more convenient journey for
themselves.
CALLIE
They’re very willing to pay to make it easier.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
So, um where ya headed?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Just up the mountain doing a climb up
ODETTE (CALLIE)
What’s up the mountain?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Just something were looking for. That’s about all you
need to know.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I know how it is.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Yes, we’re very standoffish and you won’t know our
secrets. You won’t to know them at all.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Fades away into the fog.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Alright, then keep your secrets.
HANNAH
The minotaur is standing there like yeah, thanks.
CALLIE
The minotaur walks away.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Kin-of-Moss.
SPENCER
Yeah?
GUNNER
You notice all of this, no one’s being subtle here.
SPENCER
Oh, I’m just going to walk up.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Odette. You know how they say a bucket is most useful,
when it is empty? It probably would be even more useful
if you actually had it.
SPENCER
And I’m just gonna put your bucket down somewhere
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Where did you get this?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, Sasha was just holding on to it.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Oh, yeah.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, hello. Welcome to... welcome to our towns
festivities. Have you been enjoying yourself?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
While everyone in this town seems very welcoming.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
It’s our job to be welcoming. After all, no one else is
going to be. It’s our town. What brings you up to this
mount... up the mountain? There’s not really much going
on beyond the... beyond our village this time of year
and unless you’re in the mood for avalanches and
mudslides can’t really think of much exciting things to
go find.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
There’s just something up there that we lost that we
have to recover.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I see. Just the two of you, then?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Yes...
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
Can I make an insight check on that one?
HANNAH
Everybody out here asking the same questions, getting
nowhere.
GUNNER
Yup.
SPENCER
Alright. So that’s natural 18 for a 19 total.
GUNNER
It seems like they’re telling the truth in the sense
that yeah, they are the only two here and are going up.
But it seems like there’re other people possibly
looking for this thing, just not in this area.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Sure. Speaking of, have you been able to pick up a
compass or something of the like?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Yes, we have a compass.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, good good. Just because I’ve been having to make a
few treks recently to pick up all the parts of someone
that I’ve found who, unfortunately got lost some time
ago, and bring them back down here. Make sure...
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
Oh my goodness, who was it?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Uh, I don’t really know, to be perfectly honest..
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
Oh no.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
The cold does tend to get rid of most identifying
markers and the dry air up there...
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
Ugh.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Makes it relatively difficult for the moisture to keep
inside of the flesh, which means that I look a bit
desiccated.
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
Oh no. Oh man, this... this mountain’s sounding pretty
grim. This guy seems to know what he’s talking about.
Maybe it would benefit to having like a guide like...
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Yes, maybe if you can get us up this mountain quick.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Well, that is what... I do like to try to make sure
that everyone that sees the top of this mountain can
get back to their lives alright. Now, I don’t mean to
pry into your business or anything of course, but
unless you’re going to meet Ball-and-Oak or
Exposed-Bit-of-Rock, can’t imagine them all that much
business you’d be doing up there.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Well it seems like everyone’s trying to pry in...
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
That is my job.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
And since you’re going to be our guide, and you seem to
be good at finding people, we are looking for a woman.
A runaway from the city, said to have gone up this
mountain further than here.
SPENCER
Do I remember anybody else coming through at some
point? That like seemed out from out of town and that
it didn’t really seem like I recognized.
GUNNER
Make an insight check or whatever... Or wisdom check or
whatever is proficient.
SPENCER
Six. I promise I have a decent wisdom. I’m rolling bad.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Oh, no, I’m so sorry.
HANNAH
Tough out here, for the dice.
GUNNER
No, you haven’t noticed anything. There hasn’t been any
commotion.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, strange. Maybe they didn’t go up this far. I
haven’t noticed anyone. You might be able to save
yourself the trip. You said ... were a runaway? What
are they running away from? People don’t tend to run
away from things they enjoy.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
I heard there was this bottle gang here. Well imagine
if there were bottle gangs in the city, but they were
for adults and it was for drugs and money.
LAUGHTER
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I understand. I do understand the concept of organized
crime. You don’t need to explain to me like it’s a
foreign concept.
HANNAH
Children’s...
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Well sometimes when turf wars get a bit too hot, you
got to cool them down. And you got to make amends with
some families and make some ties.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
So from what I’m gathering, the person that ran away
did so because you and... judging from your rush to get
up there, I’m assuming others competing against you are
trying to get this person to, what? Offer them as a
sacrifice to smooth things over
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
What the fuck? No, we’re just gonna marry her away, get
the families tied together. So there’s less turf to war
over.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I did mean sacrifice in a metaphorical sense. So it
sounds like you’re doing just that.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Oh, sorry. I take things very literally. Also, you look
like the kind of guy that knows something about
sacrifices.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
This is also very true. In that case, then considering
this is something that important to you. I’d be happy
to help make sure that you get up and get back down
safe and sound.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Excellent. What is your rate?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Hmm. What?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
How much money do you want?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Or drugs?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
How much money do people charge for things
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Um... Two gold per day plus expenses?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, okay. So, yeah, what Odette said, does that sound
amenable?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Yes.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Right. Well, would you prefer to be getting up the
mountain starting immediately or more after a night’s
rest?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
We’d rather this person come back alive. So getting up
there sooner is better than later?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, most certainly. Especially since the bears are
gonna start waking up sometime soon.
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
Oh, man bears. Oh, there’s just so many things up this
mountain. I’d rather do the turf wars.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Is this is this person with anyone or they just alone?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
From our sources? They seem to be with another woman.
That’s all I know.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Are you expecting resistance though?
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
Yeah, that’s why about the manacles.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
You really didn’t think twice about selling those to
somebody.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
No, I mean, like, like, Are people gonna try and like
fight you over this?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Yeah, yeah.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
I don’t know. I don’t know anything about this other
woman.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
People don’t necessarily go onto this mountain as a
vacation spot. I mean, I doubt that they’d come here if
this is where they really wanted to be. There’s other
better mountains for you to go if you want to explore
places.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Yeah. Okay. I was thinking like, what? What level of
resistance? Do you think?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Are you trying to sell us more weapons?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Am I going with you? I don’t...
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
I don’t know. You kind of heard all of this. So I’m
gonna say yes.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
You did this, like 10 feet away from my cart.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Yeah, yeah, you’re coming with us. Whether you like it
or not
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Um I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do, but
I will do it for two gold a day, plus expenses.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Excellent.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
But like, is this person like a wizard? Do they... will
they cast big spells at us? What is...
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
No, they’re just an ordinary person. We could roll on
the race chart to see what are.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
A piece of paper, and...
SPENCER
I got it. A nine on the D12 and a four on the d4.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
She’s a...
HANNAH
Maneater.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
She’s a maneater. She’s a cougar. And by that, I mean a
tabaxi.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
She have a name?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Alena.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Do you two have names?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Yes. Finally.
LAUGHTER
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
My name is Rolan. And this is my this is who I’m
working with, Irena.
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
Hello, I’m Irena. I’m glad we got more people helpin’
out.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
You know what? I think I’m going to go get one more
person.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Is it the little owl?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, you’ve met Squeak?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Yes.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I believe that their... companion would offer some
benefit to climbing a mountain.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Fine. I mean, half the town already knows at this
point? Yeah, sure. Bring them in.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
If you have a secret, and you talk about it in town
square to a whole bunch of people just because they
asked, is it really a secret?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
I’m going to beat you up. You’re the one that asked us
so many times.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Hey, hey, don’t you know that only two can keep a
secret, if one of them is dead?
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Alright.
CALLIE
Is Sasha around.
GUNNER
Yeah, Sasha is around.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Hey, can I parked my cart in your backyard for a while?
SASHA (GUNNER)
I live in a cart.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
You live in a cart, too?
SASHA (GUNNER)
That’s why I thought we were such kindred spirits.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Can I... like chain my cart to your cart?
SASHA (GUNNER)
I love you, Odette.
HANNAH
Aw.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Aw, thank you. I love you, too.
SASHA (GUNNER)
As a daughter I’ve never had.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I thought we were like more like a friendship level.
Not like a...
SASHA (GUNNER)
Ah.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
A parent/child dynamic.
SASHA (GUNNER)
I love you as a friend.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
Quick revision.
CALLIE
I got daughter-zoned by my friend.
SASHA (GUNNER)
Yeah you can put your cart next to my cart.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Can you watch Dandelion for me?
SASHA (GUNNER)
Yes I’ll watch after Dandelion, the donkey
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay, if I’m not back in like a month you can just sell
all this stuff.
SASHA (GUNNER)
Okay.
CALLIE
Okay, I’m just gonna pull some stuff out that I think
we’ll need on the road.
SPENCER
I’ll go try to find Pip.
HANNAH
Through the fog somewhere, at some point, you hear the
sound of Pip riding Mimi, and also being like
PIP (HANNAH)
Hey, kids, drop those knives! Kids shouldn’t have
knives!
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
But they got... they got our bottles. We gotta. We
gotta. They got our bottles.
PIP (HANNAH)
Drop your knives or I’ll charge you. Drop your...
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Cheese it! It’s Pip Squeak!
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
They run... They scatter! They drop all of their
knives. You all find each other and you gather around
as Odette sorts stuff out. You like come out with some
of the stuff you’re bringing.
HANNAH
Odette’s settles her accounts. Writes up her will.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Yeah, I just do some inventory.
GUNNER
You do some inventory.
SOUND: LOW, OMINOUS PIANO MUSIC
GUNNER
A blizzard begins and winds whip violently through the
streets and corridors of the village. A flurry of snow
falls quickly covering everything it touches. You can
see nothing more than a wall of fog and snow in front
of you. Friendly conversations turned into concerned
murmurs. As people are berated by wind and snow. People
begin pouring into the creaky wagon for cover. For a
moment, you see a flash of movement in the sky. And
then there is a heavy crash that shakes the ground
beneath you. A powerful gust of wind from impact blows
away the fog and snow, revealing or gargantuan stature
of a white dragon looking down at you. Odette’s caravan
completely destroyed by its weight.
HANNAH
No!
CALLIE
(LAUGHING)
Why? Ah!
GUNNER
And that’s where we’ll end the session!
SOUND: MUSIC ENDS
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
That’s not optimal.
SPENCER
Is Dandelion okay?
GUNNER
Dandelion is okay.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
You see the silhouette of Dandelion galloping away
as this hulking white dragon stands over you. Alright,
that was our first episode we did it guys.
ALL
Yay.
GUNNER
We made it through.
HANNAH
This could even be two episodes. We don’t know.
GUNNER
Who knows? I might cut stuff out because I am
embarrassed by my own improv. Who knows?
HANNAH
Who isn’t?
GUNNER
You can fix everything in post. We cut it, we splice
it, we dice it.
HANNAH
Just fix it in post.
GUNNER
We’re Class Feature!
SPENCER
We’re Class Feature, folks!
GUNNER
We are on Twitter @class_feature . That’s where you can
find us. You can find me Gunner Gunn they/them
@runngunnergunn, everything has two N’s. Is there
anything else anyone would like to plug?
SPENCER
Don’t find me, as a matter of fact.
HANNAH
Abandon me to the woods.
CALLIE
You can find me on Twitter @changpowless
GUNNER
Yeah. So I was gonna say let us know how we did, do not
do that.
HANNAH
I mean, you could. Leave a review!
ALL
(SHOUTING)
GUNNER
Yeah, leave a comment. Let us know how we did. And
please be nice. We’re new. This is the only d&d podcast
so it’s very...
SPENCER
I’s a very limited market.
GUNNER
Very experimental.
HANNAH
But that’s us, goodbye.
CALLIE
Goodbye.
GUNNER
That’s it. Goodbye. Alright, if you want to listen to
more of the only D&D podcast, come back next time.
HANNAH
You laughed so much on that.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
That was so bad.
HANNAH
Come back next time!
GUNNER
Come back next time.