GUNNER
Hello. Welcome to Class Feature, the show in which we
feature classes from Dungeons and Dragons 5E, based on
adventures influenced in Slavic folklore. I am your DM
Gunner Gunn. I go by they/them pronouns. And I’ll hand
it off to the rest of the cast to introduce themselves.
HANNAH
Hello, I’m Hannah. She/they pronouns and today I will
be playing Pip Squeak. The Cavalier fighter and she
also uses she/her pronouns.
SPENCER
Well I don’t know about y’all, but I’m excited to be
inspired by Slavic folklore.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
My name is Spencer he/him. Hi I’m playing Kin-of-Moss,
the firbolg fighter also he/him or it depending on
whatever you feel like.
CALLIE
My name is Callie. I will be playing Odette who is a
goblin arcane archer. Who uses she/her pronouns?
GUNNER
Awesome. Alright. How are we doing today? Are we
doing... how are we feeling?
SPENCER
I’ve got some charts made up from how things went last
time.
GUNNER
Oh.
HANNAH
Mm hmm. Are they optimistic?
CALLIE
I have concerns.
HANNAH
I don’t have any concerns!
GUNNER
As per my last email.
SPENCER
I have concerns. So what I’ve seen so far...
GUNNER
Yeah.
SPENCER
The chance of death for our characters has gone
drastically up.
HANNAH
Mm.
GUNNER
Yep
SPENCER
And the cost of our combined total possessions has gone
dramatically downwards.
HANNAH
Mm.
GUNNER
Mm hmm.
SPENCER
Surprisingly, very much at the exact same time.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Yeah.
SPENCER
And so I think I have some concerns about the viability
of this fiscal future for our characters.
GUNNER
Yeah, this fiscal year, the projections are not great.
CALLIE
My assets are a lot more liquid right now.
ALL
Aw.
HANNAH
But your ass is very fine. I believe Dandelion is okay.
CALLIE
So true.
GUNNER
Yeah, alright. It’s our second episode, guys. And we’re
playing fighters. I feel like I forgot to mention that
last time. But here we are. We’re playing fighters. And
this is episode two.
CALLIE
I don’t think any of us actually used any class
features last episode.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
That’s the name of the show! We gotta!
HANNAH
Wow! Can we play a jingle over that?
SPENCER
We can’t use them until the last episode. We look into
the metaphorical camera and then just pan to Black.
HANNAH
Does Callie get her cart back for title dropping?
GUNNER
Every time you drop a title, I give you inspiration.
HANNAH
You get like a little surprise!
GUNNER
No, because you would just be talking about class
features all the time.
HANNAH
Are we being dropped back into the scene?
SOUND: TENSE ACCORDIAN AND GUITAR MUSIC
GUNNER
I’ll tell you all a bit about what happened last time.
Our tale begang. Wow.
SOUND: MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY
HANNAH
You can say that a second time.
GUNNER
Woof.
SOUND: TENSE ACCORDIAN AND GUITAR MUSIC
GUNNER
Our tale began in Hornetina, which had just become a
less than quiet town as the cold crisp air was filled
with clanging bells and raucous merrymaking. Our heroes
were busy placating Adamans, herding goats and making
profits when two travelers entered town filled with
secrets. After much reluctance, the travelers enlisted
the help of our fighters to return a runaway bride to
the city. However, the weather and the beast
controlling it had other plans as a Great White Dragon
came crashing into the town square, destroying Odette’s
merchant cart, and home.
HANNAH
And home!
CALLIE
I would say that that white dragon is not that great
actually. It’s actually pretty bad.
GUNNER
We return now to our heroes as this dragon looms over
them. Their piercing blue eyes scanning the crowd
hungrily. A sharp toothed grin spread across her face.
SOUND: OMINOUS PIANO MUSIC
DRAGON (GUNNER)
My my my, my ears are ringing. How quaint thinking you
could stop winter with a handful of bells. This
winter... My winter’s here to stay. No, don’t look so
glum. You needn’t worry yourselves with such unbecoming
ceremonies any longer. I insist. As for insulting me
was such a pathetic display, I will let you off with a
warning. For how could it such a backwater town know
the queen of winter was arriving. As for you two...
GUNNER
The dragon looks towards the two travelers with you.
DRAGON (GUNNER)
I can take you to that bride you’re so desperately
looking for.
GUNNER
You see the Minotaur shaking in her boots.
IRENA (GUNNER)
It’s just... are you Alena?
DRAGON (GUNNER)
Ha ha. I’m more like the other woman.
GUNNER
The dragon laughs before lunging forward, snatching the
two travelers where they stand, bringing them up into
the air with her as the wind from her flapping wings
beat down upon you. She flies away. The fog and clouds
disperse, leaving you a bright and sunny day in
complete silence.
SOUND: MUSIC ENDS
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, I guess they got eloped.
GUNNER
What’d y’all like to do?
PIP (HANNAH)
I don’t know what to make of any of that.
LAUGHTER
ODETTE
Yeah.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Well, what do you mean Pip?
PIP (HANNAH)
There’s still a runaway bride out there.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I don’t think she... I thinks she’s...
PIP (HANNAH)
You think she’s fine?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Well, I think we should go check now just to be sure.
PIP (HANNAH)
Yeah!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I mean, honestly, I’m pretty sure she’s basically...
she’s definitely better off with her dragon wife than
she would be wherever else she was supposed to be
going.
PIP (HANNAH)
See that’s what I’m not...
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I mean, I’d like to think...
PIP (HANNAH)
Is she? Is she married to this dragon now? Did they
elope?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
That’s what I mean? Yeah, that’s what I think at least.
We should go check, no question but I mean, that’s what
I’m working on right now.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I think we have two separate issues. One is like what
is this familial situation going on? And two...
PIP (HANNAH)
That’s none of our business.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
That dragon really did want there to still be eternal
winter.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
No, that’s absolutely the main issue here but...
PIP (HANNAH)
But also then she left!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
For now yeah, I assume that she’s just gonna go back
home and then rest up a little bit and then just keep
the party going. By party I mean eternal winter.
PIP (HANNAH)
Okay, but the day’s returned to normal now, right?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I assume that...
HANNAH
It looks like a fine, sunny day?
GUNNER
Yeah. I mean it’s still really freaking cold.
HANNAH
Okay, it’s still really cold.
CALLIE
We’re in like baseline winter rather than like...
Blizzard?
HANNAH
Yeah.
GUNNER
Yeah, it’s still baseline winter.
HANNAH
And the implication from her was that it’s going to
continue to be baseline winter?
GUNNER
Yes. As you guys are talking, you hear in the distance,
Adaman Radinka’s like,
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Alright, everyone, let’s go in the tavern. Town hall
meeting, I guess! Hoo boy
Or just go home if you’re...You know what? If you don’t
want to be involved in this, just go home for a bit.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I’m gonna go to the meeting.
PIP (HANNAH)
If there’s a town hall meeting, I’m gonna go to the
town hall meeting.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Yeah, town hall meeting!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, are we all? Oh, okay, I will...
GUNNER
Yeah.
PIP (HANNAH)
Unless you wanted to leave immediately Kin-of... Does
something tell you to leave immediately?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I was. I was just gonna start going. But if we
should... I suppose talking to other people about it is
probably a good idea. So I’ll come along.
PIP (HANNAH)
Whatever you think is best.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Might give us a better sense of what’s going on?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I suppose.
GUNNER
So you guys all enter the tavern. The crowd of people
is a bit frazzled here, just talking in worried
whispers about the scene that was just displayed there.
Just talking about like,
VILLAGER (GUNNER)
Is it gonna be winter forever? I don’t... I don’t know.
Like, I didn’t think like when we were scaring off
spirits. It meant like a dragon. No, I don’t. This
isn’t new. I think
HANNAH
I’m assuming that in all the time that I’ve been in the
village, I haven’t heard anything about a dra... Like,
that would have been a pretty big draw. For them.
GUNNER
Yeah, no, this is very new.
HANNAH
That there had been a dragon somewhere.
GUNNER
Yeah.
HANNAH
Even just to check that out. But also, that dragon also
didn’t seem to want anyone’s business. So, it’s like
"Hmm".
GUNNER
As you guys walk through the town square to the pub to
this town hall meeting, you just see like, Adaman Efim
was like, just popped into his shell and now is slowly
popping out.
HANNAH
Aw
GUNNER
And is like,
EFIM (GUNNER)
Okay. I guess I didn’t put enough bread out today.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
That’s definitely something that I think both of us
should look at later. Did you know about the dragon
part, though?
EFIM (GUNNER)
Um no, that was... a lot. Maybe we should all have a
conversation with you three. You seem to be interested
in what’s going on with this dragon.
PIP (HANNAH)
Um they did snatch two people from right in front of
EFIM (GUNNER)
Yeah...
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I’m pretty okay with that.
PIP (HANNAH)
I don’t mind that that happened so much. But it does
give cause for concern that maybe they’ll do that other
people.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Absolutely. Absolutely, no question.
PIP (HANNAH)
I would rather not have that happen.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Technically our employers.
PIP (HANNAH)
Mm.
EFIM (GUNNER)
Oh...
PIP (HANNAH)
I don’t think it had gotten quite that far yet.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
They were technically my employer.
LAUGHTER
EFIM (GUNNER)
Okay, well,
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Let’s... let’s maybe see what the other Admamans are
thinking.
GUNNER
You guys gather around with the other elders, as
Radinka kind of like tries and calms down the crowd.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Alright, we are gonna figure this all out. As a
community. We are going to get to the bottom of this.
We can figure something out. We... Are there... Anybody
here who’s willing to go up that mountain and fighter
dragon? I guess?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I mean. If it comes to that, sure. But I was... I was
just going to go up there and actually see if I can
talk to them. So if we could figure... figure things
out.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
I mean, if you can talk to them.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
That was my plan. I was...
RADINKA (GUNNER)
I mean, if you guys are just willing to go up a
treacherous mountain...
PIP (HANNAH)
Yeah, we’ll go up.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I was already on my way up after that. But I figured
that it would probably be best, in the town’s interest
to see if anybody had any thing to add or take away
from that.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Alright...
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Were you thinking like a posse situation?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Like in, I’m going too?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
No, like sending up a posse to go get this dragon?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Yeah, I mean, any... do you want to be part of that
posse?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I mean, isn’t a policy usually like 30 people?
PIP (HANNAH)
Oh, is it?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
And not just like three?
PIP (HANNAH)
Is there a number associated with posses?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I don’t know. I’ve been on the receiving end of a
couple of posses and usually they’re a bunch of people,
and not just three.
LAUGHTER
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Usually implies that it’s beyond a small group of
people and so... Enough to fill like a like a like a
small town square.
PIP (HANNAH)
If anyone wants to join us feel free! But we’ll be
going.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Don’t feel free! You will be a hindrance and will make
it harder.
PIP (HANNAH)
Anyone whose heart seeks adventure, come with us.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Y’all are mixing! Very mixed signals here!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Come with us to the edge of town, and then go home.
PIP (HANNAH)
To the edge of the world!
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Is there anyone with relevant mountain climbing and
combat experience?
GUNNER
They all look at Pip.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Ah, dang.
GUNNER
The rest of the crowd is kind of like silent. Fear in
their eyes. They are not as experienced as any of you
guys in adventuring, or traveling, or being outside of
the town.
PIP (HANNAH)
Looks like we’ve already got the best of the best. So
do we need to know anything else before we head out?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Ah, yes, of course. Come with me, you three. Everyone,
thank these wonderful volunteers that are helping us in
our time of need.
GUNNER
And everyone’s like, "Thank you. Thanks."
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
You’re welcome.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Oh, yeah, for sure...
HANNAH
Just as we walk past they’re all like "good game, good
game" kick.
ALL
Good game, good game.
GUNNER
They all just like sheepishly shake your hands and
Radinka takes you in a back room. Like just the storage
room, so it’s very small. There’s now six of you in
there.
SPENCER
I am very cramped.
GUNNER
It’s very cramped with the firbolg, a bearfolk and a
tortle.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I’m fine. I’m small.
GUNNER
And then there’s also a goblin, a halfling, and an
owlin, who’s also very small. So, it evens out.
CALLIE
On average, it fits.
GUNNER
It’s just three large people looming over...
HANNAH
Everyone else is like looming? Yeah!
CALLIE
It balances out to six human-sized.
LAUGHTER
So what is it that you want to talk about?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Well, us as elders, we do have our own knowledge of the
land set. It’s beneficial for us to know but the whole
town needn’t know. Too much.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Did you know there was a dragon?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
No,but there used to be, hundreds of years ago, a
dragon cults that lived on the mountain top, which has
long since been abandoned and inaccessible. So we just
thought that was over and done with. That no one would
want to go up this mountain. But I guess someone’s
found all the dark knowledge to turn into a dragon.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
So for clarity, is this a cult run by dragons? Or is
this a cult run for a dragon?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Well, it’s run for a dragon, so you can become a
dragon.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
So, this was a former non-dragon who became dragon.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Yes.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, that’s not great.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
But it seems since she did not stick around too long.
And she was still collecting people. I have to assume
the ritual hasn’t been fully completed yet.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, the ritual? What ritual?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
I’m not sure it has been lost to history.
PIP (HANNAH)
You did say still collecting people.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
I just assume evil dragon cult equals living
sacrifices.
PIP (HANNAH)
Ah, okay.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Is my assumption. And the fact that she isn’t like,
actually gargantuan sized? She doesn’t look like the
most...
PIP (HANNAH)
You’ve seen a bigger dragon?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Oh, we’ve seen depictions of them? You just kind of
know.
PIP (HANNAH)
If you know, you know.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
We have this ancient art of telling someone’s power
level.
LAUGHTER
PIP (HANNAH)
Mm hmm?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
And it was not over the power level of what we would
call an ancient dragon. It’s not the mightiest of
dragons, we’ve seen. It’s the middlest of dragons. That
we’ve seen.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
You wouldn’t rate it as that challenging.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
It’s still extremely challenging! I will not sugarcoat
that.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
So you would put that rating as like, pretty
challenging?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Yeah. Like on a scale of one to twenty, maybe like the
mid teens.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Mid teens?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Mid to lower teens.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
So just so we’re clear, we as a village.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Yes.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Want one thing and then we as individuals, and Odette
as an employee, want another thing? And those two
things together are: for it to not always be winter.
And then, to get back this person and also the people
who hired you to get this person, right?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
The people that were snatched up?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I am... I was not really on their side before... But
now that I know that the opposing side is apparently an
evil dragon. I’m like more on their side now.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Right.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I still want to know more about this situation.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, absolutely, as would I. But I’m just saying that
the very brief time that our new Dragon friend was
here, they stated that their goals are specifically
winter forever, and these people are mine now.
PIP (HANNAH)
Winter foreveris a bad goal.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I would just say that those two particular lines of
reasoning run pretty antithetical to each other. Which
means that I feel like conflict is kind of inevitable
unless we can just sort of be like "hey, can you do
winter when it’s supposed to winter?"
RADINKA (GUNNER)
It’s almost like they’re setting you up for a fight or
something.
LAUGHTER
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I would certainly not, but it looks to be that way.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Terrible, terrible fate we have here.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Do you think we can negotiate them down to winter about
a quarter of the time?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Three to four months of winter?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Depending on where you live, up to six months?
PIP (HANNAH)
Is there anything else? Is there anything else you have
in terms of, if it does come to a fight? Any advice on
fighting a dragon that was kept around? In your secret
records.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
I will make myself a history check I guess. Not much
about how to fight them? No. But as elders, we have
inherited some magical items that we could give you to
help on your journey.
PIP (HANNAH)
That sounds like it could be very useful.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Well, first, I want to tell you another thing about
this...
PIP (HANNAH)
Oh!
ODETTE (CALLIE)
About dragons?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
About dragons! About this particular transformation.
PIP (HANNAH)
Okay.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
We believe since the ritual isn’t complete, that
they’re waiting for the midwinter moon to arrive.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
How many days is that from now?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
That is three days from now.
PIP (HANNAH)
How long does it take to get to the top of the
mountain?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
No more than a day and a half? Maybe? If you’re lucky.
PIP (HANNAH)
If there’s no adverse weather?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
If there’s no blizzards going on.
PIP (HANNAH)
Mm. Wow.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Mm hmm.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Aside from magic items, do any of you have a climbing
kit?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Yes.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
We can give... we’ll provide you as much items as you
need, if requested,
PIP (HANNAH)
If requested. Damn.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
If requested because we do not keep inventory and
cannot manage.
HANNAH
We’re not going to think about what maybe you will need
for this. But if you ask for it, we’ll give it to you.
Hee hee.
GUNNER
Like if you say, in retrospect, one of the Adamans gave
us something, it could be in your possession.
HANNAH
Okay, okay. I was thinking maybe you would just be like
"you didn’t ask for it at the time, so you don’t have
it".
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Wow. Thank you so much for giving us all of this stuff.
GUNNER
Radinka goes over to you, Pip, and she’s like,
SOUND: SOFT PIANO MUSIC
RADINKA (GUNNER)
You know, Pip, you haven’t been here as long as other
villagers, but you’re definitely part of this town.
You’re part of our community. You’re one of our people.
Now love you. You’re also definitely not the best goat
herder out there. But you got gumption, Pip. Don’t be
shocked. You just... I saw the tent where you just let
them loose.
PIP (HANNAH)
They returned home! They were doing a very good job of
returning home independently.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
They had to learn that! That was a skill they had to
learn.
PIP (HANNAH)
They learned it! I taught them!
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Okay, never mind. Very good.
SPENCER
To be fair, if you teach...
PIP (HANNAH)
Every goat needs to learn to be independent some day!
What’s happening?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Alright, let’s rewind. Let’s rewind a little bit.
CALLIE
From the other room you hear
VILLAGER (CALLIE)
Wow, did you see that goat show? It was so impressive!
GUNNER
Okay, let’s restart this conversation.
SPENCER
Pip is just crying owl tears. This poor little thing.
HANNAH
Pip’s eyes are watering.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
First a dragon attack, then a performance review
HANNAH
She’s blinking very hard being like Mm. Mm hmm.
GUNNER
This is your midwinter performance review. I’m so
sorry. I have to do this right now. But HR does demand
- No, you’re...
PIP (HANNAH)
I accept this with grace and all the formality I have
learned from being in your kind presence.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
I’m so sorry. You are a good goat herder.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
She gives you a big hug.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
I don’t know what I was saying?
PIP (HANNAH)
It’s okay you work so hard. Of course... Of course you
would...
RADINKA (GUNNER)
I work so hard and have so many children! It’s just so
much!
PIP (HANNAH)
It is so much. I’ll help you out the best I can,
Adaman.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
I believe in you Pip. Now you go become that knight
you’ve always wanted to be.
GUNNER
And she hands you this beautifully carved leather
saddle with a elaborate embroidery and leather work on
HANNAH
Oh my god. Pip’s eyes go so wide. Which is a lot for an
owl, whose eyes are already so big.
GUNNER
You now have the Saddle of the Cavalier. Do you want to
read out what it does?
HANNAH
Sure.
SPENCER
That’s the thing you are!
HANNAH
That’s me. While in the saddle on a mound you cannot be
dismounted against your will if you are conscious and
attack rolls against your mountain have disadvantage.
That’s very good. That’s great for Mimi and her four
hit points.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Yes. You protect that precious little goat. (Starting
to cry) Now get out of here. Get out of here!
LAUGHTER
PIP (HANNAH)
I’ll protect her... There’s other goats in this town!
HANNAH
She leaves.
SPENCER
Throughout all of this talk about goats... Kin-of-moss
is just tired.
She leaves before anyone else can tell her not to leave
and she’s gone.
GUNNER
Dust!
Throws the saddle on to Mimi... Yeah, she’s waiting
outside town at the gate.
GUNNER
Runs away. Tears... tears slowly trickling, trailing
past, as you gallantly gallop out of town with your
goat.
HANNAH
And then realize actually there are two people I need
to wait for.
GUNNER
So you come back at the edge of town.
HANNAH
No, I just stop at the gate. I stop at the gate outside
of town.
GUNNER
Alright...
SOUND: MUSIC ENDS
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Well, that was very dramatic.
GUNNER
Adaman Efim goes up to you, Kin-of-Moss and in a
unusual display of affection, pats you on the shoulder
a little bit, and goes.
EFIM (GUNNER)
Now Kin, you’re a wise guy. And I know the spirits
always enjoy a good trick.
GUNNER
I can’t get over the southern accent. Hold on.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Eyy, you some kinda wise guy?
GUNNER
Hey, you some...
HANNAH
Hold on. I Gotta wind up my nasal voice.
EFIM (GUNNER)
You’re a wise guy. So you know the spirits. Always
enjoy a good trick. So take this with you, call on
nature, and you’ll find their gifts in this bag.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh neat, thank you.
GUNNER
And he hands you a rust colored cloth bag with
elaborate embroidery of nature scenes around it...
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Wow, thank you.
GUNNER
As he gives you a rust colored bag of tricks, if you
would like to read what it does...
SPENCER
Bag of tricks, specifically a rust colored one which is
a wondrous item which is uncommon rarity. This ordinary
bag made of rust cloth appears empty. Reaching inside
however reveals a small fuzzy object. You can use an
action to pull the object from the bag and throw it up
to 20 feet. When the object lands it transforms into a
creature determined by a roll of a d8 die and
consulting the accompanying table. Creature vanishes at
the next dawn or when reduced to zero hit points. The
creature is friendly to you and your companions and
acts on your turn. You can use a bonus action to
command how the creature moves and what actions it
takes during its next turn. In the absence of orders it
acts in a fashion appropriate to its nature. Once three
balls have been pulled, it can’t be used again till the
next dawn.
GUNNER
Awesome
HANNAH
Cute.
GUNNER
And Odette, Sasha kind of walks you out to like your
broken cart.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Ah, dang.
GUNNER
And just like kind of looks at it and goes
SASHA (GUNNER)
Dang that looks like quite the mess you’ve got to clean
- Here. Use my broom.
GUNNER
He reaches his hand out and goes "It’s sweeping time."
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
And you see a broom come flying from out of nowhere,
whizzing down the street into his hand. And he hands it
to you. "Get at it, kid." and hands you a broom of
flying.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I don’t know how to tell you this but I’m pretty sure
we need to leave right away, so I will not be cleaning
this up.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Can I look in the wreckage?
GUNNER
Yeah. You can.
CALLIE
Is there like my chest of valuables?
GUNNER
Yeah, I’d say you have like a safe valuable stuff that
is like... You know how there’s Fire-Safe?
CALLIE
Oh, yeah.
GUNNER
Safes? You bought a Dragon-Safe safe.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
So, it’s perfectly intact.
HANNAH
A fire-safe safe could be in some respects Dragon-safe.
GUNNER
Yeah
SPENCER
There’s a lot of overlap.
GUNNER
There is a lot of overlap.
CALLIE
Oh everything in there is intact?
GUNNER
Yeah.
CALLIE
Okay, so...
HANNAH
Everything you considered valuable enough to put in it.
GUNNER
Mm hmm. And your potions.
CALLIE
I took out all the potions ahead of time because I knew
we were going up this mountain before the dragon
arrived.
GUNNER
That’s very fair.
CALLIE
So I’m gonna take out the signet ring and put it on and
also all of the coins and everything else I’m like
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I’m not gonna clean this up if you want to like look
through here and salvage anything that you think you
want to like keep or sell that’s fine.
HANNAH
The children are already eyeing it up from a distance.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Children are just like picking shit out of it already.
Getting covered in oil from all the flasks of...
HANNAH
Dangerous.
SPENCER
Oil and splinters.
CALLIE
onO of them just like runs away with like a bent
longsword.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I’m sure that’ll be fine. Um. I’m gonna leave Dandelion
here. There’s 60 days of feed in there.
CALLIE
And I just point at the pile of...
SASHA (GUNNER)
I’ll take care of your donkey. Um, do you want to read
the...
CALLIE
The broom of flying. Is a wondrous item, uncommon. This
wooden broom functions like a mundane broom.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
That’s it!
HANNAH
You can use it to sweep.
CALLIE
You can use it to sweep!
GUNNER
That’s why Sasha grabbed it!
CALLIE
Until you stand astride it and speak it’s command word
which I think is...
HANNAH AND CALLIE
It’s sweepin’ time?
GUNNER
That... that’s a different command word. There’s
several command words.
CALLIE
That’s the one to get it to fly to your hand?
GUNNER
There is "up, up and away".
CALLIE
Okay.
GUNNER
Um, I think there’s one to send it off somewhere.
CALLIE
Are these...? Oh.
GUNNER
Yeah, there’s more to this.
HANNAH
There’s a whole...
CALLIE
Are they written on this card? Do I need to remember
these?
GUNNER
No. Yeah.
CALLIE
I’ll write it down.
GUNNER
Sorry, I’m making them up on the spot.
CALLIE
Okay.
HANNAH
It’s sweepin’ time.
GUNNER
It’s sweepin’ time is for it to return.
SPENCER
Immersion has been destroyed.
GUNNER
Up up and away is to get it to fly, "Go clean that
mess" is to send it to a specific location within one
mile of you. And it’s sweeping time is for it to return
to you within... if it is within one mile of you. Those
are all the command words for this broom.
CALLIE
I feel like they’re very apt for Sasha. It’s like...
GUNNER
Aw, I should have named one "Bless this mess."
HANNAH
You can change it.
GUNNER
Alright, the one to send it within a mile of you to a
specific location is bless this mess.
CALLIE
These all have the energy of: Sasha got it and they
were like, "Okay, now you get to choose the command
words."
GUNNER
Yeah.
CALLIE
Like you making your email...
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
When you’re like eleven. You’re like "I’m never gonna
have to, like interact with this in a serious capacity,
so I’ll make it something fun."
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
So it functions like a mundane broom, until you stand
astride it and speak its command word. It then hovers
beneath you and can be ridden in the air. It has a
flying speed of 50 feet!
HANNAH
Nice.
CALLIE
It can carry up to 400 pounds, but its flying speed is
30 feet when carrying greater than 200 pounds.
HANNAH
You can really Kiki’s Delivery Service this.
GUNNER
Yeah, you guys could get up that mountain fast.
CALLIE
The broom stops hovering when I land. I can send the
broom to travel to a destination within one mile of me
if I speak the command word, name the location and are
familiar with the place. The broom comes back to me
when I speak another command word provided that the
broom is still within one mile of me.
GUNNER
Alright. You all have been given enough rations,
camping supplies, mountaineering supplies, any supplies
that you would need for such a treacherous journey up
this blizzard peak mountain. Is there anything else you
guys would want to do before these village elders send
you on your way with emotional goodbyes?
CALLIE
I’m just gonna remind Sasha that,
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Hey, a bunch of kids just ran away with busted up
weapons. Just so you know. Okay, that’s it.
HANNAH
I was gonna say that Pip goes and just puts one of the
goats in charge of all the other girls for the time
that she’s away.
GUNNER
The goat gives you a little goat salute. Which is
tapping two hooves on the ground. And then just like
nods and looks at the other sheeps and points their
hooves at their eyes and points at the other goats.
HANNAH
These are some flexible...
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
See that right there? None of that is natural.
PIP (HANNAH)
I think every goat I’ve ever seen can do that.
LAUGHTER
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
And that’s the problem.
PIP (HANNAH)
It’s normal goat behavior.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I want you to know that my opinion of you is dampened
by your relationship to these goats.
PIP (HANNAH)
I can’t do anything about that.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
What do you have against goats?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Goats are fundamentally wrong.
PIP (HANNAH)
Goats are fun.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
What do you mean by that?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Have you ever looked into a goat’s eyes?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
No?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
They’re weird little figure eight pupil eyes. They’re
not...
HANNAH
Covering Mimi’s ears.
Ah!
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Wait what?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Have you never seen what the pupil of a goat looks
like?
PIP (HANNAH)
Don’t listen, Mimi.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Hold on. I’m going to look at Mimi riiight nooow...
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
You’re staring so deeply into her eyes. As Pip’s
covering her ears, and she’s just like looking around
"What’s happening?"
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Yo, what? Why is it like this?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Yeah, they’re all like that.
PIP (HANNAH)
They’re like that. Yeah, that’s what a goat’s eye looks
like.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Why?
GUNNER
To see.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Oh, I think I’ve seen this before where it will like
rotate.
PIP (HANNAH)
I don’t know that much about good anatomy. That’s just
what they look like.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I know a decent amount about goat morality, and they’re
all wrong.
PIP (HANNAH)
Don’t listen to him, Mimi.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Do you think Mimi would side with the dragon?
PIP (HANNAH)
No!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I want you to know that, of the three of us, I am the
only one who Mimi perfectly understands.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Hey, Mimi. Do you understand Goblin?
HANNAH
That’s true. The import of that statement truly goes
right over Pip’s head and she’s like,
PIP (HANNAH)
Okay, Let’s go, Mimi.
MIMI (GUNNER)
Maaah! (Galloping noises)
GUNNER
Just runs away.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Doesn’t even wait for you to get on her saddle.
PIP (HANNAH)
Mimi! Mimi I have to get on you!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
See what I mean? Goats.
PIP (HANNAH)
Mimi, we’re going together!
MIMI (GUNNER)
Maah!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Okay.
HANNAH
She’s gone!
GUNNER
No, she stopped.
HANNAH
I fly. I fly and catch up with her.
GUNNER
You take the broom and fly away.
HANNAH
I have wings!
GUNNER
Oh yeah.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
I don’t need a broom to fly!
SPENCER
A well oiled machine.
HANNAH
I take the broom anyways.
GUNNER
I know everything about my players.
CALLIE
What’s your fly speed?
HANNAH
Good question, do... Wait, can I fly?
I think...
SPENCER
It’s 30 feet without heavy armour.
GUNNER
Do you have heavy armor? You can’t fly with armor.
HANNAH
Oh, what armor am I wearing? That’s a good question.
So I’m...
CALLIE
What’s your AC?
HANNAH
- But then it’s 18 because of the shield. I think.
CALLIE
So I think you have chainmail.
GUNNER
Yeah.
HANNAH
So that’s probably heavy? I don’t think I can fly with
that on.
GUNNER
No, you can’t fly.
HANNAH
But I wouldn’t take the broom without a- hmm?
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Unless...
PIP (HANNAH)
She’ll come back to me.
GUNNER
Anything else anyone wants to...
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Just to double check with everyone here. So we have a
day and a half, is around the mountain time...
PIP (HANNAH)
We are burning light
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
To get up the mountain. And we have about three days to
get there, approximately until the most significant
celestial event. So we have like, a very small margin
for error. But it’s there. It’s there. So how far has
everyone been up this mountain before?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I’ve never gone up this mountain.
GUNNER
You’re new in town.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I’m new in town and why would I?
PIP (HANNAH)
I would say a decent way just like...
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Alright, fantastic.
PIP (HANNAH)
Making sure to get the goats around...
GUNNER
I’d say like not past the tree line.
HANNAH
Yeah.
GUNNER
But you’re pretty comfortable...
HANNAH
Prior to it.
GUNNER
Yeah. Being outside the city.
HANNAH
Yeah.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Alright.
SPENCER
What’s the snow cover like? Right now
GUNNER
Oh, she thick.
SPENCER
Okay.
GUNNER
She is. It’s like freshly-fallen blizzard snow. So
there’s like also like, cracked branches, just fallen
over trees covered in thick layers of ice. Like it’s a
nasty scene. Once you step out of town.
HANNAH
We got like a reasonable line of sight though? Like
when she was flying away on a direction, right?
GUNNER
Yeah, it was like up the mountain. Like...
HANNAH
Just due a direct up.
GUNNER
Due up.
HANNAH
It was an up-do, if you will.
LAUGHTER
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Alright, so... Yeah, let’s go!
GUNNER
As you guys are leaving town, Efim like kind of
jogging. Comes to catch up with you. And he’s like
EFIM (GUNNER)
Kin-of-Moss. Oh, I almost forgot this. This is very
important. Make sure to keep it close. And I know
you’ll know when to use it.
GUNNER
And he hands you a hard boiled egg.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Thank you.
EFIM (GUNNER)
Alright. Okay.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I’m going to open up sort of my like coat robes thing
and take out a little bit of cloth and then just sort
of let the dried desiccated other hard-boiled egg that
I have there just let that drop on the floor and say a
small prayer thanking it for its help and wrap this one
up and put it back in my coat.
EFIM (GUNNER)
Good luck you guys.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Thank you.
EFIM (GUNNER)
Bye.
GUNNER
Jogs away.
CALLIE
Does a bird like swoop in and just grab the egg?
HANNAH
Grab that egg!
GUNNER
Yeah! It’s just seagulls on it now!
HANNAH
Seagulls?
SEAGULLS (GUNNER)
Caw! Caw! Caw!
HANNAH
This far inland? That’s an omen.
CALLIE
I think they had seagulls in Calgary, which is perhaps
the most inland you can get.
HANNAH
Oh, damn.
CALLIE
I think it’s just like...
HANNAH
You think they’re just everywhere?
GUNNER
Yes, seagulls have just decided to be everywhere. Yeah.
HANNAH
Good. They deserve to be.
SPENCER
They are not.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
You can keep your opinions to yourself.
SPENCER
Very aggressive animal takes coming out of this...
GUNNER
very divisive.
CALLIE
You have like, in your mind a chart of every animal
that exists and it’s either like intensely positive or
intensely negative.
SPENCER
Yes.
GUNNER
Okay. Um, you guys make your way out of town. The
thick, crisp freshly-fallen snow crunching beneath your
feet, as you enter the forest. Branches falling off of
trees from the storm block your path as you have to
walk over them, kind of slowing you guys down in the
process. Um, yeah, you guys could roll a survival check
if you want to find a better path.
SPENCER
I am on it.
HANNAH
Do you want some help?
SPENCER
Sure!
CALLIE
Every so often I fly above the tree line to like look
around.
SPENCER
So that is 18 total, 14 plus 4.
GUNNER
All right, yeah, you find like, once you’re deeper in
the forest, the ground was more protected from the
blizzard and the wind and stuff. So you find like a
decent path where there’s no... not too much snow and
not a lot of like fallen branches that you can walk
through and it makes your path a bit easier.
SPENCER
Nice.
CALLIE
In terms of like looking for like creatures and stuff,
I got an 11.
GUNNER
You don’t see a lot of creatures really. You can hear
some kind of like wildlife. Birds fluttering around a
bit. It seems like not a lot of wildlife’s out here
right now because of the blizzard and just the bad
vibes all around. They were like, "Nah, peace out."
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Cheese it, there’s a dragon!
GUNNER
Yeah, there’s like "Oop. No." So, yeah, there’s not a
lot around. But you just notice like a couple of trees
that have like fallen over, that you can like point out
to help navigate around as you guys are clearing this
forest. Is there anything you guys would like to do on
your travels through here?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Alright, well, so basically where I’m at is the
manacles that they bought are kind of the sticking
point for me. Because if they had already had them,
when they got up here, I’d assumed that they were
people who had done that sort of thing before and knew
what they were doing, and rather to not harm people if
they could. But they bought the manacles as sort of an
afterthought.
PIP (HANNAH)
Okay.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
And not sure where that... as though they didn’t really
consider that they were going after like a full person
who might not want to come with them. And they’ve just
decided last minute "Oh, but we’re going to have them
come back regardless." So that’s why I’m sort of like,
very iffy on this. Anyways, thanks for listening, Mimi.
You really changed my mind on this.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
No one has any comment?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I kind of interpreted that as, they are just like, have
never done this before and don’t really know and saw
them and were like, "oh, yeah, that would be a good
idea". Like, maybe a bit better than like tying someone
- I don’t know.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
That’s true. That’s true. I just suppose, when it comes
to like, people and restraints, anyone who’s not like a
particular expert at it really, and is going somewhere
this remote to do so. I feel like that’s just going to
end really badly for everyone involved. And so in a
very roundabout way, I hope they’re okay. But at least
they got up the mountain easily.
PIP (HANNAH)
Yeah.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I think there’s a medium chance they’re already dead.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I hope not. But I also agree.
PIP (HANNAH)
I was getting the distinct impression you didn’t mind
if they were dead or alive.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I mind... I would mind for the minotaur. I must admit.
I’d mind. But otherwise, not so much.
PIP (HANNAH)
Yeah, I think I would prefer none of them were dead.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I would agree.
MIMI (GUNNER)
Maah.
PIP (HANNAH)
Yeah, Mimi, that sounds right.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Thank you for really, like you’ve given me a lot to
think about Mimi. I apologize.
MIMI (GUNNER)
Mah.
GUNNER
Tucks hair behind her ear.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
She can’t do that.
CALLIE
She’s like
ODETTE (CALLIE)
How did you bend your leg like that?
PIP (HANNAH)
She’s all fur!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
And now we’re back to square one.
GUNNER
You guys have been wandering the forest for hours. At
this point, I’ll have Kin-of-Moss make a survival
check.
SPENCER
That is all of a nine.
GUNNER
A nine. You would know with how much time has passed
that you should be at least close to reaching the tree
line of the mountain. But it doesn’t seem like the
trees are thinning out at all. You’re still navigating
the dense thickets of this forest.
CALLIE
And so we we have been gaining elevation though?
GUNNER
You’ve been gaining elevation...
HANNAH
But we do still seem to be in the woods, rather than
out of them.
GUNNER
Yeah. Is there anything you’d like to do?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Odette? Hey, hi. Can you see where the tree line
breaks?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Yeah!
CALLIE
I’m... I’m just gonna go like straight up until I can
get an impression of how far we are until the the
Alpine barrier.
GUNNER
Alright, make a perception check.
CALLIE
That’s a three.
GUNNER
That’s a three.
HANNAH
You could have taken someone up with you maybe.
CALLIE
No.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
With a three, I’d say because you were you’d go up
every like now and then for like the past hour, it
seems like you’re in the same spot. Basically.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Mmm. It doesn’t really seem like we’re making any
progress.
CALLIE
Does it seem like we have circled, or like there’s
maybe some more mysterious reason why we’re not
progressing?
GUNNER
I’ll have... you can make either a perception or
survival check if you want to like check for your own
like footprints because is the snow and stuff. So you
want to see if you’ve been around here.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Do you think you could have Mimi sniff around maybe?
PIP (HANNAH)
- Oh, I was thinking that I would look with Mimi and
see if there were any goat trails that I recognized.
That maybe head further towards the tree line.
GUNNER
Alright, make that check.
HANNAH
What would that be?
GUNNER
Perception or survival, whichever you’re proficient in?
HANNAH
Both.
GUNNER
Nice.
HANNAH
That was one.
GUNNER
Mmm.
LAUGHTER
PIP (HANNAH)
Mimi don’t make that sound. Mimi.
GUNNER
Mimi is like... immediately like starts looking around
like sniffing on the ground but then like hits a bush.
PIP (HANNAH)
Oh, Mimi!
GUNNER
And is just like
MIMI (GUNNER)
Ah! Mah! Wah!
GUNNER
And you get distracted by that.
PIP (HANNAH)
Sorry, I can’t... I can’t look. I have to tend to Mimi.
MIMI (GUNNER)
Bah!
GUNNER
There’s like sap on her face now.
HANNAH
Oh, I pull out like handkerchief.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Well, this is going about as well as expected.
GUNNER
Okay!
SPENCER
What time is it?
HANNAH
Mm hmm.
GUNNER
Um, what time is it? So you guys left around noon? I’d
say around one because it was noon when...
HANNAH
Yeah, I was noon when things went down...
GUNNER
When things went down.
HANNAH
And so we had that conversation, so I would say one or
maybe two.
GUNNER
It was 1 when you left. I’d say four hours have passed,
so it’s five now. And I’ll say the sun sets at seven.
HANNAH
That’s... is that late?
CALLIE
For winter?
HANNAH
For this time of year?
GUNNER
Yeah, but I’m being...
HANNAH
You’re being generous?
HANNAH
You’re like "I want to be kind".
CALLIE
We’re also in the mountains...
HANNAH
We are in the mountains.
CALLIE
Which means sunset can be like kind of weird depending
on if like if you’re in a valley or where the sun...
HANNAH
So true.
GUNNER
Plus, this isn’t our world. The sun could be out for as
long as it wants.
HANNA
It’s the DM’s discretion.
GUNNER
As long as is narratively viable.
SPENCER
Just like "Hey sun, why are you still out?" And then
just
THE SUN (SPENCER)
Because I want to be.
THE SUN (GUNNER)
Yeah, I saw you guys were still out. You guys needed
some help, so I’m here.
THE SUN (SPENCER)
Do you... Do you want me to go?
HANNAH
Aw.
THE SUN (GUNNER)
I thought we were hanging out.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
I have a disguise kit. I’m just going to take like,
because it has like face paints and stuff. I’m gonna
take whatever the brightest color is probably like red.
HANNAH
Oh, yeah.
CALLIE
And just mark a tree with that.
GUNNER
Alright, you mark a tree with it.
CALLIE
Sort of at eye level, so I can see...
GUNNER
Yeah, at three feet you mark it.
CALLIE
Yeah.
HANNAH
It’s okay, two people will be able to see it.
GUNNER
Or at 2 and six inches you mark it?
CALLIE
I mark it at the... the universal eye level, which is
like...
GUNNER
Which is four feet.
CALLIE
Like someone... like every time they do the census.
They’re like, mark everyone’s height, and they just do
the median eye level. And they... they put out a press
release every time.
GUNNER
Which is like a very wildly differing because of just
how many large and small races there are around here.
CALLIE
It ends up being like five feet.
GUNNER
Yeah. Just at like five feet you mark it.
HANNAH
They just average it.
GUNNER
So you guys continue to walk forwards. And after about
10 minutes, you see the tree again with the red paint.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Aw...
PIP (HANNAH)
Hmm.
GUNNER
But you don’t see your footprints going ahead of you or
anything. I’ll have you guys make a perception check.
CALLIE
Can I instead make an arcana check?
HANNAH
Oh my god.
GUNNER
Yeah!
CALLIE
Ooh, 19.
GUNNER
Mm?
HANNAH
Yeah, I got a six.
SPENCER
That was a 10.
GUNNER
You notice no footprints in front of you. Even though
it’s very clear, you came through this way. And there
isn’t... hasn’t been like any strong wind that would
blow like...
HANNAH
The snow.
GUNNER
Blow away your footprints in front of you. Because in
the forest, you’re pretty protected from some of these
elements. But when you look behind you...
SOUND: LOW DRONING VOICES AND PERCUSSION MUSIC
GUNNER
You see for a moment, little wisps of wind start
covering up your footprints.
HANNAH
What kind of stories are there about like what’s in the
woods? I feel like places usually have stories about...
GUNNER
Make a history check or an arcana check if you want to
think about magical creatures.
HANNAH
Sure. It’s a 10.
GUNNER
That’s a 10?
HANNAH
Yeah, the dice are unkind today.
GUNNER
You know, there’s a lot of creatures that could be in
the forest.
HANNAH
Hm. I do know many creatures.
GUNNER
You know many creatures, and this was history or
arcana?
HANNAH
History. Arcana would have been...
GUNNER
You’ve heard of many a creature.
HANNAH
Creature. Yeah, mm hmm.
GUNNER
There’s been many tales of many creatures that live in
the forest, but only like magical ones would...
HANNAH
Be impacting...
GUNNER
Be impacting your path in some way. You’re not sure,
there’s malicious and benevolent spirits that could do
this. But as you guys notice, the footprints slowly
being erased by some wind, you hear the chittering of a
mischief of magpies nearby. And you wonder how long
they’ve been watching.
SPENCER
I’m going to take my sort of glaive, that I have, and
just sort of moving my hands over the handle and just
quietly reciting the prayers that I have carved into it
to myself. And as I’m looking around, I’m going to
reach into my bag of tricks and lob a thing. So I’m
quietly thinking to myself There’s a group of magpies
there, I need something that might be able to scare
them off. Maybe something else that can fly. And I’m
thinking owl. I’m thinking eagle. I’m thinking kestrel,
hawk, something. And then this little rust colored ball
of fluff that just sort of goes about five feet. And
then just PUFF there’s a little rat there.
RAT (GUNNER)
Rah!
SPENCER
There’s a little rat there, just a little rat guy.
GUNNER
It just starts squeaking.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, hello. Sorry. Didn’t mean to bother you.
GUNNER
It just like looks up at you with its beady black eyes
just like waiting. Just grooms itself a little bit
behind the ear.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
You can come up here for a while. There’s nothing
really done right now.
GUNNER
It climbs up your hand and up to your shoulder.
SPENCER
I’m just gonna like move my like traveling cloak a
little bit. So he has a little place to sit on the
shoulder there just like
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
You can just hang out. Nothing’s needed for now.
HANNAH
Aw.
GUNNER
It just starts chewing on some of your branches.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
That’s cool.
GUNNER
Awesome.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Well, that didn’t work. I’m out of ideas.
PIP (HANNAH)
Odette could go up and...
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Yeah, I...
PIP (HANNAH)
If we want to spook the magpies?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Yeah, why don’t I try and fly up? Why don’t you try and
fly up to the magpies?
PIP (HANNAH)
Me?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
No, Kin-of-Moss.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Me?
PIP (HANNAH)
Oh, good.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
You can talk to them, right?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Well, I can’t understand them.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Oh, that’s so true.
PIP (HANNAH)
But, you could talk to them. You could tell them to
leave.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I suppose, alright.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I mean, they... Yeah, they can understand you.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Alright.
SPENCER
I’m just going to follow that up and say
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Here. I don’t want them to eat the rat.
SPENCER
So, I’m just going to fly up there, then and just be
like, "Uh". Do they like, stay there watching me with
their like synchronous spookiness.
GUNNER
Are you trying to scare them away?
SPENCER
Not quite yet. I’m just going up
to them to see if they like stay there and I can get
close enough that I could like,
GUNNER
Like, they hop to like a tree further away, but they’re
like, not going too far away.
SPENCER
Yeah, alright. So I’ll just be there. I’ll just be like
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Hi folks. Sorry to bother you. I apologize for
intruding on your domain here just trying to get
through. I have this pouch of seeds in my... on my belt
here. Can I leave that as an offering so we can get on
through for now?
GUNNER
They like look at you kind of like inquisitively and
then you see them like kind of shoot down like they’re
looking at someone.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
What? What...
GUNNER
Like they’re taking commands from someone or like...
it’s their owner in some way. So they like look down.
I’ll have you make a perception check.
HANNAH
Mm. So many of these.
GUNNER
I know. You shouldn’t put your narrative...
HANNAH
Solely on perception checks?
GUNNER
Important narrative...
SPENCER
That’s a 17.
GUNNER
A 17.
HANNAH
Ooh. Yes. Bringing out those big rolls.
GUNNER
Okay, yes. Fun tip don’t put your narrative beats
behind challenge roles.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
We’re learning. This is also a how to DM podcast.
GUNNER
Don’t be like me.
HANNAH
First I’m gonna show you how to do it wrong. And then
here’s what I made earlier.
GUNNER
Anyways, we’re editing all the missed rolls out. Wow.
17 on the first roll.
HANNAH
Oh my god.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Yeah, you look down where the magpies are looking and
you see this short, stout man kind of like crouching
behind a tree and peering over at like where Odette and
Pip Squeak are, and just giving himself like a little
giggle. As you see he has like a large, bushy beard is
like the only thing that’s sticking out of his like
densely packed winter wear at the moment.
SPENCER
Alright, I’m going to try to like quietly fly over to
where I can see them.
GUNNER
Alright, stealth check.
SPENCER
Okay. That is going to be eight.
GUNNER
Eight.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Even if it doesn’t impact how stealthy I am, I’m just
sort of calmly just sort of whooshing over.
GUNNER
You calmly whoosh over on the flying broomstick. And
the man like looks up, but it’s a bit too, like you’re
already pretty close to him and he... has already been
seen. So he like looks up a bit and then just like
waves sheepishly as you come over.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Hello, good afternoon. Good afternoon, friend. How can
I help you? You seem to be having quite a giggle at our
expense. It was a very good joke. I must admit. We’re
just trying to get through here. What can I offer to
sort of have you let us be on our way?
FOREST MAN (GUNNER)
Oh, well. I was not expecting travelers up this high in
the mountains. That’s a bit dangerous for travelers,
don’t you think?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, most certainly. That’s why it’s us instead of
anyone else.
FOREST MAN (GUNNER)
What are you doing in the forest?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
We’re trying to get through the forest to go up to
the... to some... some places past the tree line.
FOREST MAN (GUNNER)
Mmm. Did you remember to ask nicely though?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I’ve left some offerings before I entered the forest
says I always do.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Well, you’re a very good kid there, then for leaving
your offerings.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Well, thank you.
FOREST MAN (GUNNER)
But (sniff sniff) I’m (sniff sniff)
SPENCER
I’m just gonna reach into my coat.
FOREST MAN (GUNNER)
I think I smell something though.
SPENCER
I reach into my coat.
FOREST MAN (GUNNER)
Some sweet, delicious, hard-boiled egg?
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
I’m just going to hand... like arm extended just like
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
May offer you this egg?
FOREST MAN (GUNNER)
Oh absolutely!
GUNNER
You see as he reaches out to grab it, this small
stature, his kind of fleshy hand turns wooden and
lengthens as he turns into this tree-like being as tall
as the trees themselves. With a face carved into his
bark-like skin with twigs and branches intertwining
above his head, forming his forests crown, as you see a
Leshii come and grab the egg.
LESHII (GUNNER)
Absolutely wonderful. I love that!
GUNNER
And just like plops it down his hollow mouth.
CALLIE
You hear it rattling around?
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
(LIKE AN OBJECT FALLING)
Gun Gon Gonk! He says,
LESHII (GUNNER)
Well, you’ve given me a fine egg. But that’s just one
gift. And there’s three of you. I cannot let you pass
through my domain just yet.
SPENCER
I’m just going to do
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, hey, folks.
PIP (HANNAH)
Hmm?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
If you could come over, please. To often the forest
spirit something that we may pass, as per the right way
to go about this.
LESHII (GUNNER)
Tell me a joke! I love a laugh!
SOUND: MUSIC ENDS
LESHII (GUNNER)
A little goof. A little gaff. Let me laugh.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Do you want to hear a fun anecdote?
LESHII (GUNNER)
That’s close enough to a joke.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Well, okay, so the town that we were just in? I don’t
know. Are you familiar with Hornetina? It’s the one
that’s right over there.
LESHII (GUNNER)
I don’t know any of their names, but I know the towns!
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay, so all the kids in there. Um are in a gang or
rival gangs? I think? And uhh... what... do you know
about bottles?
LESHII (GUNNER)
Yep, sometimes I find them shattered in my forests and
I get real mad about it.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay, well, uh you’re gonna laugh at this. That’s those
kids. Uh.
LAUGHTER
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
What?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
So, uh I guess this is less of an anecdote and more of
like, a tip? Is that if you don’t want those bottles
shattered in the forest, maybe you should talk to those
kids. And...
LESHII (GUNNER)
Boo! That was a bad joke!
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Ah, dang.
GUNNER
And he winds up and punches you.
PIP (HANNAH)
Oh my god.
GUNNER
That’s...
HANNAH
Just an insane amount of damage.
GUNNER
That’s a 28 to hit.
CALLIE
That hits.
SPENCER
What were you thinking narcing on kids to
a forest spirit?
CALLIE
I didn’t know where that story was going when I started
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
That’s 15 points of bludgeoning damage.
CALLIE
Oh my god!
HANNAH
Uh uh...
LESHII (GUNNER)
Those kids sound like a nuisance!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
They’re not...
LESHII (GUNNER)
Why would you inform me of this? I’m so angry now. Tell
me a joke!
Tell me a joke!
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Wait. Are we not fighting?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
What? No, we’re not going to fight the forest spirit,
calm down!
ODETTE (CALLIE)
He just punched me though!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Yeah, and you deserved it!
ODETTE (CALLIE)
For what?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
For not... You disrespected the forest spirit.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I was providing valuable information.
PIP (HANNAH)
We could fight the forest, but that was a solid punch.
Very unnecessary.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
This isn’t our forest!
LESHII (GUNNER)
All I’m asking is a joke! Make me laugh!
PIP (HANNAH)
Ooh.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Okay, fine. I mean, I will give this an offering as
hopefully in response to my Callie- companion’s poor
attempt. And...
LESHII (GUNNER)
Alright, jokes are exchangeable between people.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Why did the bush have a difficult time enjoying the
magic show?
LESHII (GUNNER)
I don’t know. Why?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Because he didn’t be-leaf in it.
LESHII (GUNNER)
Ahahahahahahahahahahaha! You made it a nature joke.
Which makes it double funny.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
They are double funny.
LESHII (GUNNER)
Oh. Double funny. Double gift. Double joke!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
You’re welcome. Thank you, forest spirit.
LESHII (GUNNER)
You’re free to go! Have fun in my forest and don’t
leave anything behind or I’ll kill you!
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay, frigging goodbye, then.
LESHII
Ahahaha! Goodbye!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Ah... What a gentle, kind friend.
PIP (HANNAH)
No, I hope we never see that person again.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
They’re still here.
PIP (HANNAH)
No.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
They’re always here.
LESHII (GUNNER)
I’m every tree!
GUNNER
He says as his face goes between trees as you walk
past.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Y’all don’t travel in these forests much.
PIP (HANNAH)
I don’t think he minds knowing that I would rather not
see him again. I think he probably gets that a lot.
GUNNER
Alright you guys travel once more. Now...
PIP (HANNAH)
Odette, do you need a bandage or anything?
CALLIE
I will second wind myself.
HANNAH
Take another breath be like (inhales).
CALLIE
Is that a d10?
GUNNER
Mm hmm.
CALLIE
I heal 14 which is...
GUNNER
Nice!
HANNAH
Nice! More than what they...
CALLIE
Just short of...
HANNAH
Oh yeah, they did 15.
GUNNER
I’ll say it takes you till just about sunset to finally
make your way to the tree line as you’ve been
traveling. I’ll have you guys like make perception
checks.
SPENCER
Alright.
CALLIE
Two.
HANNAH
So bad.
SPENCER
I got a one.
HANNAH
Six.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
Wait... on our dice, did we get 1, 2, 3?
CALLIE
Yep.
SPENCER
Nice.
GUNNER
(sighs) Okay.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Alright.
HANNAH
I’m setting up camp and I’m not looking at anything
else.
GUNNER
You’re not looking at anything else. As you all hear a
tree snap under the weight of something that falls
down. I’ll have you all make Dex saves.
HANNAH
Oh!
SPENCER
Looking good.
CALLIE
16!
GUNNER
Nice. Kin?
SPENCER
Two.
GUNNER
Two.
CALLIE
Oh my god.
HANNAH
Nine.
GUNNER
Nine.
HANNAH
There’s only one person who did a Dex build here.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Kin-of-Moss and Pip Squeak, you’re standing kind of
close together as you hear the "Kwa-choo" the snapping
of a branch. As it falls down on both of you. You take
five bludgeoning damage as this branch breaks under the
weight of this very heavy mountaineer’s pack that
you’ve seen recently. It’s one of the traveler’s pack.
You can deduce it fell off of them in flight or
something.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, ow!
GUNNER
As you guys now have more equipment.
PIP (HANNAH)
That was a really heavy pack.
GUNNER
It fell from a very high height.
HANNAH
No, no, I’m just saying I’m very impressed that they
were carrying that at all.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Wait. Does that mean the dragon is above us right now?
PIP (HANNAH)
No, I’m guessing this happened earlier.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
No, it means that this branch was like just kind of
holding on and just cracked while we were sort of...
PIP (HANNAH)
But it means we’re on the right path.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
No, it’s good. It’s a good sign.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Well, let’s look at what’s in here.
PIP (HANNAH)
Would you like to take something from the pack as a
sign?
SPENCER
I’m going to go to people like maybe you could just
hold on to the actual bag. And I’ll just like take a
little bit off the... of like, presumably the actual
mountaineers pack has some kind of tear in it. I’m just
gonna take a little bit of the fabric off of it and
just tuck it away.
GUNNER
Yeah, yeah, there’s like a bit of the oiled canvas that
makes it water resistant.
PIP (HANNAH)
I don’t know how much we need for that bag
itself though. Like we have a lot of our own stuff.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Well, depending on how things go we might have three
more people on the way back down.
PIP (HANNAH)
We could bury this here and...
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Would we find it?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
We should look at what’s inside of it. What if there’s
treasure?
PIP (HANNAH)
Yeah, sure you can look inside.
HANNAH
I hand it to Odette.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
They didn’t buy all of their stuff for me.
HANNAH
I would be very funny if they did, out of character.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
It would be very funny if you just opened the bag and
it is just your stuff.
GUNNER
LMAO
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I mean...
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Take a look!
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Stuff that did not get destroyed by that dragon. Can I
recoup some of that loss?
GUNNER
Mm hmm. Yeah, you find the manacles that were taken.
You find like 50 feet of rope. You find a couple bear
traps.
HANNAH
Ooh. Are there any letters or missives from... relating
to their purpose?
GUNNER
Sure! You can... you look through it I’ll say... Make
an investigation check just to see how long it would
take you to like ruffle through all of their inventory.
HANNAH
Yeah, okay, we’re going through this person’s stuff.
Pip’s decided to be a little nosy. That’s a 15.
GUNNER
Yeah, you find just kind of a description of Alena,
which is a tabaxi in their like mid 20s. With like gray
fur and like black stripes with some white tips near
their cheeks and stuff. You see, like, the amount that
they were going to be paid, which is 1500 gold pieces.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Oh my god.
PIP (HANNAH)
Jeez.
GUNNER
You find a little pouch of like gold that they were
given to travel with. And there’s 80 gold pieces left
in there.
HANNAH
I just hand that to Odette.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
You don’t want any of this gold?
PIP (HANNAH)
No.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I don’t really think that forest spirits take currency.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Do you not have any money?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I don’t... What? I don’t... what would I use money for?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Do you? Do you buy things from the town?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I just sort of exchange things.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay. Yeah, that’s fair. I’m gonna... I’ll take all of
this then.
GUNNER
And in the note that you’ve read about Alena, it says
she can be tricky to find.
HANNAH
Okay.
GUNNER
You can use this to spot her, and you pull out a
lantern. That seems...
CALLIE
This is different from the... from the lamp they bought
from me?
HANNAH
Yeah, I think so.
GUNNER
This lamp is... it’s like a hooded lantern. But the
glass that the spotlight would come out of is in some
elaborate stain glass that looks like a very watchful
eye.
SPENCER
What an absolutely interesting and very revealing
lantern.
CALLIE
As someone who has created a lot of fake magic items,
would I know what this real item is?
GUNNER
Yeah, make an Arcana check with advantage.
CALLIE
GUNNER
CALLIE
Oh wait, no, this is a 14. 16.
GUNNER
You know, this is a Lantern of Revealing. When lit,
this hooded lantern burns for six hours on one pint of
oil, shedding bright light in a 30 foot radius and dim
light for another additional 30 feet. Invisible
creatures and objects are visible as long as they’re in
the lanterns bright light, you can use an action to
lower the hood reducing the light to dim light in a
five foot radius.
PIP (HANNAH)
Does anybody want this lantern? It seems interesting.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Odette, would you mind holding on to this for now?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Yeah.
HANNAH
It also looks like we can use it to find Alena.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
That means Alena can go invisible.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Yes, I would assume so. Or at least maybe... Perhaps...
No, that’s that’s what it does.
LAUGHTER
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I don’t know where I was going with that one.
HANNAH
Be like maybe she’s just very good at...
GUNNER
I’m dropping all the hints that Alena can go invisible.
HANNAH
You’re like, maybe she’s just very good at hiding. But
- This just means she can be invisible.
SPENCER
That’s all that it does.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Does someone else want my different hooded lantern that
I brought?
PIP (HANNAH)
I don’t... No.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
No, you can just hold on to that I think.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay.
PIP (HANNAH)
Or like I can let Mimi hold on to it. Yeah,
maybe... maybe put one in Mimi’s saddlebag in case
something happens to me. You can still have a lantern.
PIP (HANNAH)
Yeah, so you could probably set
up a system where she could have a headlight, little
headlamp.
GUNNER
Alright, as the sun begins to set after you’ve pilfered
this pack.
HANNAH
Borrowed.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
The sun is setting. It’s going to be night pretty soon.
What’s the game plan? What would you like to do? Would
you like to set up camp where there’s still some
shelter from the elements?
HANNAH
I think that would be good.
SPENCER
I would say that sounds like a good idea.
CALLIE
Yeah, maybe like 30 feet into the forest.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
We should start a fire.
SPENCER
I’m just going to clear some like area real quick. I’m
just gonna sort of go into my things. I’m going to pull
out some feathers, a little bit of moss that has blood
on it, and a bit of chalk and just sort of while sort
of quietly muttering to myself, just mark out a few
different things on a few different trees that are sort
of around us. Then just like bring a few rocks together
in the center. And he’s like,
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Okay, now can make a fire.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay, we gathered material for fire?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I thought that was your responsibility.
PIP (HANNAH)
We have a tinderbox.
CALLIE
Okay, if that’s been happening, I’ve been doing it.
HANNAH
I’m assuming I’ve been. I can help you gather material
while that’s going on.
CALLIE
Like as long as someone is doing it. If no one was
doing it, then I would have done it.
SPENCER
Mm hmm.
GUNNER
Mm hmm.
CALLIE
I cast prestidigitation and ignite this fire.
HANNAH
We have a tinderbox right?
CALLIE
I mean, but that gets it to like a full fire
immediately, I think.
HANNAH
Oh. Just the prestidigitation?
GUNNER
Yeah. Cause you can like turn on a fire.
CALLIE
Yeah, it like turns on and turns off a small fire.
HANNAH
Ooh, I didn’t know prestidigitation did that.
SPENCER
Mm hmm.
GUNNER
Yeah, prestidigitation does a lot of things. It’s a
very long cantrip description.
CALLIE
Yeah. I think it’s... It’s different from Create
Bonfire because you can’t use it like offensively.
HANNAH
Mm hmm. You cannot cause offense by using it.
GUNNER
Yeah. And there has to be a bonfire there that you can
turn on and off, basically.
CALLIE
Yeah. Yeah!
GUNNER
So you’d have to like set up you set up all of your
sticks and branches and you prestidigitate. You’ve put
up some tents, if you wish.
HANNAH
Yeah.
CALLIE
It lets you skip the like sketchy first 15 minutes of
"is it going to catch or not?"
GUNNER
Yeah, you guys set up camp very efficiently. And we’ll
come back next time to see what the darkness will
bring.
SPENCER
Ooh.
GUNNER
Alright, that was the second episode. We did it. They
say it couldn’t be done. A second episode of...
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
A second time! I feel like said that after the first
episode. It couldn’t be done.
GUNNER
It’s called a running joke.
SPENCER
They said no one!
HANNAH
So, what? After the eleventh time, someone will laugh
at it.
GUNNER
Yeah! I was still waiting for the third time but yeah!
HANNAH
Uh huh!
SPENCER
It’s called a running joke because I can’t wait to get
away from it!
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
But yeah, join us next time as our intrepid heroes...
No. A different podcast does intrepid heroes.
HANNAH
I don’t know.
CALLIE
Decrepit heroes.
HANNAH
Our ancient heroes.
GUNNER
Join us next time...
HANNAH
Our folk heroes?
GUNNER
To see when these folk heroes... When?
HANNAH
I don’t know.
GUNNER
What these folk heroes do! Who knows...
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
What these folk heroes do?
GUNNER
What these folk heroes do!
SPENCER
What the folk hero doin?
GUNNER
Alright!
CALLIE
Queer as Folk Heroes.
HANNAH
Aw. That works good.
GUNNER
Follow us on Twitter @class_feature . You can also find
me on Twitter @runngunnergunn all the words have two
N’s in it. Anyone else got anything?
SPENCER
No, as always do not look for me. Thank you for your
time.
HANNAH
I think Callie would like to...
CALLIE
You can find me on Twitter @changpowless
GUNNER
Whoo! Alright, okay bye!