GUNNER
Alright, yay, we’re back. It’s us! Class Feature!
SPENCER
Hi!
GUNNER
Remember us? We’re here.
HANNAH
We’re here!
SPENCER
I never left!
GUNNER
This is... I don’t know. I was like... pressed record
and then was like, "Wait, we do intros". I was about
to just like go into reading the description of what
happened last time.
HANNAH
You could have... Bailed into a greeting.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
I could have... But instead, I was like: ah! Oh! Hello!
I didn’t see you there. hey, listen to a greeting
HANNAH
You were like I’m barrel rolling out of this car.
GUNNER
Anyway, hi. Welcome to class feature the show in which
we feature each class of Dungeons and Dragons with
adventures in Slavic folklore. We’re continuing the
adventure of our fighters. So let’s all introduce
ourselves and the fighters we will be playing. I’m
Gunner Gunn, they/them, the DM and I will be playing
every character that the rest of these characters
fight.
HANNAH
I’m Hannah. She/they and I’ll be playing Pip Squeak the
Cavalier fighter and her pronouns are
she/her. Spencer, would you like to...
SPENCER
Yes, hi. It’s me, Spencer, also playing Kin-of-Moss, a
Firbolg fighter, and the both of us are excited to be
here. And also use he/him thank you for your time.
CALLIE
Hello, I’m Callie. I play Odette who is a goblin Arcane
Archer. And both of us use she/her pronouns.
GUNNER
(Laughing)
Excellent.
HANNAH
Why did you laugh?
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
I don’t know. Just both of us... I don’t know just
like identifying as two people. Fun.
HANNAH
Mm nice.
GUNNER
CALLIE AND HANNAH
Fun-e.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
(SIGHS)
This might be a weird one.
SOUND: TENSE ACCORDIAN MUSIC
GUNNER
Last time, our heroes survived a rather brief encounter
with a white dragon. The self proclaimed queen of
winter. After a pompous speech, the dragon flew away
with the two nefarious travelers the promise that they
would meet their runaway bride. The Adamans called for
a town meeting seeking volunteers to fight the dragon
and end this endless winter. Only our three heroes were
brave enough to take on the task of climbing the
mountain and facing the dragon, hopeful that peaceful
negotiations are in their future. The Admamans revealed
to the party there once was a secret dragon cult, now
long lost to history, whose temple resides far atop the
mountain. Each Adaman gave our heroes a parting gift
and varying degrees of a heartfelt goodbye. With magic
items and a hard boiled egg in hand, the party set off
on their journey through the edges of the Temny forest
and up mountain peak. Some mischievous spirit decided
to distract our heroes from the task at hand. But after
being satiated with a good egg, and a hearty joke or
two, the group was able to finally trek past treeline
and are now making camp as the sun sets over the
mountain top.
SOUND: MUSIC ENDS
GUNNER
Alright, here we are. We’re getting ready. You guys are
setting up the camp in the forest, so you’re still
blocked by the...
HANNAH
Yeah, we got that shelter...
GUNNER
Safe from the weather. Yeah, a bit it safe from the
weather?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Quick question: can you two see in the dark?
PIP (HANNAH)
I don’t believe so.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I think I can.
HANNAH
Wait, actually, I kind of feel like as an Owlin, I
might have like some...
SPENCER
No.
HANNAH
insane amount... No?
SPENCER
I can’t.
HANNAH
I think I have...
CALLIE
120 Feet of darkvision!
HANNAH
Yeah, I have a dumb amount of darkvision.
GUNNER
Dang.
SPENCER
Cause you’re an owl.
HANNAH
Yeah.
GUNNER
Nice!
HANNAH
Yeah, I’m not a regular bird. I’m built different.
GUNNER
So for setting up camp for the night, what I was
thinking of doing was instead of you all making
survival checks, because not all of you are going to be
proficient in survival. You guys are fighters. So what
I’m going to do is you will give me the type of ability
check you would like to do.
HANNAH
Okay.
GUNNER
And describe how that ability would help you make camp
for the night to keep it safe, warm, and cozy.
HANNAH
I am very good at survival. Do I still have to describe
it? Just using survival?
GUNNER
Yeah, yeah. Yes. It’s for fun little narrative thing
going on here.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
We’re building a story. You have to contribute.
GUNNER
Yeah, so what it will be is if you get three successes,
you guys have a peaceful night and nothing happens and
you’re nice and revitalized for the morning. If you
make three failures, you automatically wake up with one
level of exhaustion due to poor sleep.
HANNAH
Mm wretched.
GUNNER
And the DC will be 15.
CALLIE
What’s the mid level between those two?
GUNNER
There’s...
CALLIE
We just don’t know.
GUNNER
It... There’s none. It’s best of five, baby!
HANNAH
Ooh, it’s all or nothing.
CALLIE
Oh, it’s just best of five.
GUNNER
It’s best of five.
CALLIE
So does that mean some of us make two checks?
GUNNER
Yeah.
HANNAH
Is this just by splitting up the watch overnight? Or,
like you said, just actions that we’re doing?
GUNNER
Just actions. If it’s like, "oh, I want to keep an eye
for four hours of the night". You can do that?
HANNAH
Yeah. Okay.
GUNNER
And so that would be a perception check.
SPENCER
Nice
HANNAH
Right.
GUNNER
Or if you’re like, "oh, I want to set traps around". It
could be like a survival check. Or like maybe a sleight
of hand to like, hide some rope traps you did?
CALLIE
I’ll do that!
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
Wow, Callie!
CALLIE
Desperately trying to figure out how I can turn like
stealth and deception into...
HANNAH
Yeah, your abilities...
CALLIE
Into staying nice and cozy.
HANNAH
Enact from classic guerrilla warfare strategies.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
Callie’s putting like Punji sticks everywhere.
CALLIE
I’m doing the Peeta in The Hunger Games like
camouflage...
HANNAH
Oh my god.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
That can be a performance check.
GUNNER
Yeah.
CALLIE
I mean, I am proficient and do have a disguise kit.
GUNNER
If you want to hide like moss, I don’t know how that
would help you in the elements.
CALLIE
Maybe I’ll do the thing where... you know when Frodo
and Sam pretend to be a rock?
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Are you like disguising the tent as a giant rock?
HANNAH
I feel like that means...
CALLIE
Try and... Try and disguise the tent as a boulder.
HANNAH
Ooh, nice. Yeah, like that effectively helps you.
GUNNER
Okay, so you’re going to be using your Disguise Kit
as...
CALLIE
I have no idea.
GUNNER
Okay. How does the disguise kit work?
SPENCER
A Disguise Kit is a bunch of different pigments.
CALLIE
It’s like face paints and costumes right?
SPENCER
Face paints, costumes, maybe like a wig or something?
CALLIE
So yeah, some props.
GUNNER
Alright. So you could paint this tent into a
beautiful...
HANNAH
Get some camo on it.
CALLIE
I could do the traps thing where you...
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
You could do whatever. You could do both.
CALLIE
I could do both?
GUNNER
Because you need five checks. You’re doing the...
CALLIE
Are those both dexterity checks then?
GUNNER
I’ll say the painting can be if you’re proficient in
performance.
CALLIE
I’m not proficient in performance, but I’ll still do
that.
GUNNER
Or deception. You can do deception.
CALLIE
Ooh, I can do that. Okay.
GUNNER
Yeah. Because you are deceiving.
CALLIE
Deceiving nature.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Deceiving god.
GUNNER
Art is simply hand-eye coordination and deception.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Okay, that was ummmm 25.
GUNNER
You masterfully paint this... somehow based on your
forced perspective of painting this canvas tent into
this gray snowy rock. It looks like a rounded rock when
you’re in a triangular tent. You did a very masterful
job of making this look like a rock. Any other takers?
HANNAH
I don’t know, it sounded like Spencer wanted to do
something, but I can do something as well.
SPENCER
Go for it. Yeah!
HANNAH
I figured that... I figured I would just use that...
that I am an owl. And just sort of like pop up like
into the trees a little bit to get like a little bit of
like a vantage point on our clearing area. And at
regular intervals be like swiveling my head around.
GUNNER
Excellent.
HANNAH
Keep an eye out for... Four hours... Of wakeful...
GUNNER
You’re keeping the dream... Four hours.
I’ll assume like you’re doing four hours and then Mimi
does four hours.
HANNAH
Aw Mimi.
GUNNER
I mean, if you want Mimi to make checks, she could.
HANNAH
Oh. No, I don’t. I want Mimi to be safe next to the
rock tent.
GUNNER
Mimi starts climbing the tent mistaking it for the
rock.
HANNAH
She’s grazing. She’s making it look natural. No!
LAUGHTER
PIP (HANNAH)
Mimi, that’s not a rock!
MIMI (GUNNER)
Aah.
GUNNER
Just (collapsing sound effect) Kakoonk konk koonk.
PIP (HANNAH)
Mimi, No! Someone’s asleep in there!
MIMI (GUNNER)
Meh!
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
The tent folds a bit and she runs off scared.
PIP (HANNAH)
I have to go look for Mimi. I’m sorry. I can’t do this
perception check.
GUNNER
She comes back. She didn’t get that spooked. She liked
tries to brush it off like she didn’t get scared.
HANNAH
Right. Yeah. She’s like, "I’m cool." She climbs like
the rock next to it. It’s like "this is what I meant to
do."
CALLIE
Is this like the goat equivalent of thinking there’s
another step and then there wasn’t?
GUNNER
Yeah.
HANNAH
Aw.
GUNNER
So roll your perception.
HANNAH
Will do. That’s a 10. A low roll.
GUNNER
- So we have one failure and one success.
HANNAH
I got distracted by Mimi’s antics.
SPENCER
This entire debacle has reignited Kin-of-Moss’ distrust
and disdain of goats.
GUNNER
What? That was cute. It was a cute little thing that
happened, Spencer!
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
I’m not even yelling at Kin-of-Moss.
SPENCER
Exhaustion from the elements is nothing to laugh at
Gunner.
GUNNER
I’m not there right now.
SPENCER
Neither, am I, Spencer.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
So for Kin-of-Moss’ thing, what he’s going to do is
he’s going to take out ash, a bit of chalk, and a
little whittling knife, and is just going to mark out
runes and make small offerings and write little chalk
prayers on different parts of the camp. Try to appease
the spirits that would do us harm and try to gain favor
from those who wouldn’t and I’m gonna do a religion
check.
GUNNER
Yeah.
HANNAH
Oh my god.
SPENCER
That didn’t... that didn’t go well.
GUNNER
Oh no.
HANNAH
Mm. You said if there were two failures, and then it
cursed us.
GUNNER
You might not need to do five whole checks.
SPENCER
That’s a 3 total.
GUNNER
How did... What did you get?
HANNAH
You rolled a 1.
SPENCER
I rolled a 1.
GUNNER
Oh no.
SPENCER
Well, I have a +2 to religion.
GUNNER
Oh.
HANNAH
It seemed like a safe bet at the time.
SPENCER
Turns out that I’m very good at religions, but not the
ones from this area.
GUNNER
Pick a different god and pray.
CALLIE
So, we have two more.
HANNAH
We have two more.
GUNNER
Callie did you want to do the rope trick?
CALLIE
Yeah!
GUNNER
But not the spell.
CALLIE
Not the spell. We would be in a lot better position if
we could cast the spell Rope Trick.
GUNNER
Yeah, well we’re all fighters here, baby! Yes, so
you’re going to tie up these little rope traps and put
them around to ward off any aminals that could bother
you during the night and you put them in some good good
hiding places, so yeah, do a sleight of hand check.
CALLIE
- I mean, I have traveled like before.
LAUGHTER
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I live in the woods.
GUNNER
Yeah. This is just like an average day to you you’re
like "gotta put up the ropes"
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Gotta pretend this is a rock.
GUNNER
"Gotta paint this tent I bought." Alright what was your
idea Pip Squeak?
HANNAH
What is my idea?
GUNNER
It’s all on you.
HANNAH
I mean I was kind of thinking of like maybe I could
use... but I don’t know if I have anything that I could
use this for, but like just making my way sort of like
a way away from the camp and sort of like picking up
like interesting scents somewhere else just sort of
like to draw animals in a different direction if they
might be like interested in our area.
GUNNER
Sure.
HANNAH
That like... yeah
GUNNER
Yeah, if that’s what you want to do, you take like Mimi
out there.
HANNAH
Yeah
GUNNER
For like a little walk to relieve herself and you’re
like "do it here and here"
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
Out here, I throw down... not rations, but something
that... I have some cloth that the rations have been
- I like toss it down on the ground and these can go
in a different cloth now.
GUNNER
Alright make a survival check.
HANNAH
Here’s hoping I’m lucky. Oh my god. Don’t even look at
- Don’t look at me.
SPENCER
No!
HANNAH
Don’t look at this second 1 of the night.
CALLIE
Oh my god.
GUNNER
(SIGHS)
HANNAH
Callie, you simply should have rolled a third time.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Alright, so that is three failures.
HANNAH
That didn’t work.
GUNNER
It didn’t necessarily...
HANNAH
Mimi simply didn’t pay attention and peed again when we
got back to camp.
LAUGHTER
PIP (HANNAH)
Mimi, no! You were done!
GUNNER
Lies beside the campfire gets like a little bit of her
wool on fire.
HANNAH
Oh no!
GUNNER
You just smell the burning hair from miles away.
PIP (HANNAH)
Mimi, no!
GUNNER
Mimi has not been helpful.
HANNAH
She’s trying. She’s doing her best.
GUNNER
She’s trying so hard. She’s just sleepy.
HANNAH
Yeah, it’s been a long day. Yeah.
SPENCER
Uh.
HANNAH
Mr. Also rolled a 1.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
I did what some people do when they fail. They blame
others for their failures.
GUNNER
Alright. So after a night of desperately trying to
get... keep animals away from your camp, protect
yourselves from the elements.
HANNAH
In the end we also just simply didn’t actually sleep a
lot. Like we simply tried so hard to keep things away
from camp.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
You guys just kept trying to scatter seeds and no one
slept very well. Yeah, you guys were very diligently
trying to keep animals away from your camp, that you
didn’t necessarily think about heat sources or trying
to keep yourselves warm, or protecting yourselves from
the blistering winds.
HANNAH
Callie is... Odette was the only one who was like in
the tent at any point.
GUNNER
Odette’s the only one with like, several sleeping bags
and fur coats.
HANNAH
But she couldn’t get any sleep either because we were
just moving around.
CALLIE
You were constantly opening the flap of the tent and
letting cold air in.
SPENCER
Unsleeping against the base of a tree, realizing he
called like a regional spirit by its name from a
slightly different region. And that’s probably why all
of them are cursed now.
GUNNER
Yes, Kin-of-Moss is wracked with guilt.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I did this.
GUNNER
Mimi is sleeping like
MIMI (GUNNER)
(SNORING)
Snork mimimimimimi. Snork mimimimimimimi.
HANNAH
(LAUGHING)
Aw.
GUNNER
And it’s just, it’s just too much.
CALLIE
Is Mimi exhausted?
GUNNER
Mimi... I will say no, because I don’t want to keep
track of that.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
So you all have one point of exhaustion after a rough,
rough night. And what that does is give you
disadvantage on all skill checks. Yeah...
HANNAH
All I have are skill checks. They’ve all been bad so
far without this.
GUNNER
I feel like that’s the least amount of things you have
skill checks. You have a lot of attack rolls.
HANNAH
We have yet to see them. Yet to be proven.
GUNNER
Fair. And so as the sun rises and the day starts and
you start making your way up the mountain. You’re
climbing for a bit, trudging...
HANNAH
Ugh. Is this paint still wet on the tent?
GUNNER
You have to abandon that tent.
HANNAH
No we have to fold it up. Waste not want not. Also
leave things as you found them.
GUNNER
You guys make your climb up the mountain, trekking
through snow and climbing up jagged inclines and a few
hours pass along your journey, as you’re starting to
kind of tire out a bit you might be thinking of taking
like a quick rest.
HANNAH
Yeah, we could take a short rest if we feel like we
need to...
GUNNER
When you hear a...
HANNAH
Oh.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
Cool, never mind. Cut that.
GUNNER
Sorry.
CALLIE
Before this starts, can I state that I am on the broom?
GUNNER
Yeah, you’re just floating on the broom. Just...
CALLIE
Just hovering.
GUNNER
Yeah, not wanting to waste too much energy. So what...
the only two people really walking or hiking are
Kin-of-Moss and Mimi, because you’re probably writing
Mimi.
HANNAH
Yeah.
GUNNER
So actually...
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
So, actually Kin-of-Moss is tired?
GUNNER
Kin-of-Moss roll another... No.
LAUGHTER
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
It’s just me.
GUNNER
So, you walk for a few hours... you travel for a few
hours when you hear a cry for help, and a terrifying
roar come from across the crest of the jagged rock.
What would you like to do?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
That sounds important.
CALLIE
Does this sound like a dragon sized roar or like a
smaller roar?
GUNNER
Make a Arcana Check?
CALLIE
HANNAH
Oh my god, Odette.
GUNNER
It is not a Dragon Roar.
CALLIE
Oh, I have disadvantage.
GUNNER
Ah! Right.
CALLIE
GUNNER
It’s not a dragon roar and that’s all you get.
CALLIE
Okay.
HANNAH
That’s it! I go around the corner.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
All right, that sounds important. I’ll go as well.
SPENCER
I’ve got my, my, my praying stick slash deadly glaive
out.
GUNNER
Right. So you all are running forwards? Or floating?
CALLIE
I’m gonna be like... I’m gonna be like 15 feet in the
air.
GUNNER
Alright, so you swoop up a bit.
CALLIE
Like not in range of melee weapons.
GUNNER
Yeah. Mm hmm. So as Odette flies up to look past the
rock from the top, you two run around the side to see a
ravine and a wall of rock is blocking you on the other
side. So there’s only one path going forward. It’s just
a ledge, and it goes... a cliff goes up and the cliff
goes down.
HANNAH
Okay.
GUNNER
And there’s a ledge that’s a walking pathway.
HANNAH
Okay, okay, okay.
SPENCER
We’re just on a thin path on the outside of the
mountain.
HANNAH
Gotcha.
GUNNER
Further up there is a... what you can see from running
into this scene is you see the path ahead of you cut in
half by a 15 foot wide, frozen waterfall that bisects
this pathway that you’re on. And across from that is an
abominable yeti just rag-dolling around this guy.
CALLIE
Oh my god.
HANNAH
Jesus
GUNNER
Just whipping him around as he’s like,
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
(WITH A GENERAL SCANDINAVIAN ACCENT)
Oh god, help! Help! Ah!
SPENCER
I’m gonna try to approach and then I reach into my bag
and I’m going to pull out a piece of rye just the sort
of like the top part like the sort of ear of rye I
think.
HANNAH
Yeah, the grain?
GUNNER
The bud?
SPENCER
Anyways, you know. Yes, like the part where you would
get actual rye flour from I’m just gonna hold that up
in one hand and then I’m just going to sort of offer it
out and then try to be like
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Hello, angered spirit of the mountain. Please leave
this man in peace. I bring you an offering.
GUNNER
Make a persuasion check, as this got... Just, the Yeti
kind of stops holding this man with one foot and just
stares at you for a second like...
SPENCER
GUNNER
- The Yeti just chucks this guy at you.
SOUND: ELECTRIC GUITAR MUSIC BEGINS
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Ah!
PIP (HANNAH)
Oh my god.
GUNNER
Yeah
SPENCER
I’m gonna...
GUNNER
We’re gonna roll initiative.
SPENCER
Cool.
CALLIE
Do we have disadvantage on this?
HANNAH
Can I help catch this guy?
SPENCER
Yeah, we do. Initiative is a skill check.
GUNNER
You do have that. You have disadvantage on initiative.
CALLIE
Ah, dang.
SPENCER
Oh, good.
CALLIE
Did the Yeti seem like it understood Kin-of-Moss?
GUNNER
No.
CALLIE
Okay.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
It’s just like (imitating a trombone) Bwoop bwoop bwoop
bwoop bwoop.
GUNNER
You just like...
HANNAH
Oh, Charlie Brown noises?
GUNNER
Pip Squeak.
HANNAH
Yeah!
GUNNER
What’s your initiative?
HANNAH
Oh, you’re not telling me I get to go, ah, 12.
GUNNER
I’m so sorry. Kin-of-Moss?
SPENCER
Twice as good as my last roll. 2.
HANNAH
Aw, yeah, going on up in the world.
GUNNER
Odette?
CALLIE
HANNAH
Okay...
CALLIE
We had disadvantage.
HANNAH
Yeah, I’m telling you, I told you it was gonna be
terrible.
GUNNER
Oh yeah, woof. I forgot about that. I forgot you had
disadvantage.
HANNAH
How do...? You gave it to us.
GUNNER
I giveth and forgeteth.
HANNAH
You giveth and you do not take away.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
I don’t take anything because I don’t know what’s
happening. Anyway, so up first we actually have the
guy.
HANNAH
Oh.
GUNNER
You see the Yeti winding up.
SPENCER
Yeah.
GUNNER
To just huck this guy at you.
SPENCER
Mm hmm.
GUNNER
And this guy notices... You know what we have to do? We
have to roll for race of this guy.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
That’s what he notices? Oh, you haven’t rolled my race
yet.
CALLIE
I’m just a grey blob right now until you determine a
race for me.
GUNNER
I’m just a guy!
HANNAH
Looking at a stack of fighters. Asking them to save me.
SPENCER
Just default avatar looking...
GUNNER
Mould me! Mould me! Mould me into a person. I’m just a
guy.
SPENCER
Callie go for it.
CALLIE
I can roll. What what? Which dice?
HANNAH
I think it’s a d12?
GUNNER
A d12 and a d4.
CALLIE
Is this also with disadvantage?
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
No.
GUNNER
No. No, there’s... there’s no bad race.
HANNAH
God.
CALLIE
8 and 2.
GUNNER
8 on the?
CALLIE
On the d12.
GUNNER
Of course, cause it’s a d4! Oh my god.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
The way that you came at yourself for that. You’re just
like (inhales) so mad.
GUNNER
So this guy is a minotaur.
ALL
Oh!
GUNNER
So this big, beefy man is getting just rag-dolled
around by this...
HANNAH
Big, beefy Yeti.
GUNNER
Big beefy Yeti. Yeah, so this beefy man is going to...
SPENCER
Literally.
GUNNER
This guy’s going to try and slash at the Yeti’s arm
that is gripping onto him tightly with his great sword,
so he’s gonna go down with one fell swoop.
CALLIE
Oh, this guy’s armed.
HANNAH
He’s got two of them.
GUNNER
Yeah, he just is not in a good position. You know,
being upside down and all, but that is a 24 to hit,
which hits.
HANNAH
Damn!
SPENCER
Nice.
PIP (HANNAH)
This guy’s doing just fine. Maybe we should leave.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
He was asking for help.
PIP (HANNAH)
Hmm. Who knows? He could have this handled in the next
second.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Maybe?
PIP (HANNAH)
Maybe not.
GUNNER
Yes. So he slashes this guy and you just see like a big
gash form on their... The yeti’s wrist as he yells out
in pain. And he gets another attack.
HANNAH
Oh, this guy’s a fighter, too?
GUNNER
Fighter friends! 21 which hits for some more damage.
You don’t know what the damage is. It’s a mystery to
you guys.
HANNAH
Mm hmm.
CALLIE
Did it look substantially harmed by being hit by a very
big sword?
GUNNER
No, he’s still got his grip on him.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Oh no!
GUNNER
He’s still got a very strong grip. Actually, I’ll roll
like a Con check to see if he can hold on to him just
like a concentration check but concentrating on that
grip.
CALLIE
Isn’t there a thing with grappling where like if you
get hit you have to do a... it triggers a...
GUNNER
It doesn’t matter. It’s a nat 1.
CALLIE
Oh no!
GUNNER
He drops him before... Before he can toss him at you.
HANNAH
Drops him over the edge of that ravine. Goodbye!
GUNNER
No, just kind of drops him on the ground. It awkwardly,
like lands on his horns and then just like kind of like
almost a headstand but then just like flops over onto
the... onto his front.
CALLIE
Mm.
HANNAH
Aw. Owie.
GUNNER
So he is now prone
SPENCER
Aw manotaur.
HANNAH
Okay.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
It seems to be vulnerable to swords!
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
And is now the yeti’s turn and the Yeti is going to
take a big breath inward...
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Uh oh.
GUNNER
And then blow a cold deep wind in a 30 foot cone
towards all of you.
PIP (HANNAH)
This awful. This is terrible news. We’re on a horribly
narrow ledge, nicely lined up.
CALLIE
What sort of save is this?
GUNNER
It will be... Roll me a constitution saving throw.
CALLIE
Ah, dang.
HANNAH
We’re disadvantage for this?
SPENCER
Are we at the point in the show where Gunner forgot how
much damage that this thing can do?
GUNNER
I’m so sorry. I just read how much damage this was.
SPENCER
Oh yeah, I know!
CALLIE
Is this as much as the spell Cone of Cold?
HANNAH
You said a con saving throw?
SPENCER
We don’t have disadvantage.
HANNAH
Okay.
GUNNER
Alright, Odette?
CALLIE
GUNNER
That’s a failure.
CALLIE
Oh.
GUNNER
SPENCER
That was a natural 20 for me, +2. Oh wait, no. +5, 25.
GUNNER
Alright that’s a save.
SPENCER
Nice.
HANNAH
I got a four.
GUNNER
Oh no! Oh my goodness I’m gonna need 8d8’s. I was not
prepared.
HANNAH
I should get a little prize.
SPENCER
Mm hm.
CALLIE
Here’s some d8’s.
SOUND: DICE RATTLING
CALLIE
Mmmm.
GUNNER
Alright, let’s see. One, four...
HANNAH
As the DM, you could reduce this.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
You could choose to not have this be the third time you
do a TPK.
CALLIE
This is a... It’s a juvenile yeti.
SPENCER
Nothing like players...
GUNNER
Listen. Wizards of the Coast said this would be a
medium battle
HANNAH
Every time they’ve lied to you.
SPENCER
Nothing like players bargaining damage down with the
- Just haggling.
GUNNER
On the first round of combat ever.
GUNNER (HANNAH)
Look, I know you’re level 8, but...
CALLIE
The fact that this guy is doing an extra attack makes
me actually feel okay.
GUNNER
Mm hmm. There is a lot of fours in here so it’s like it
naturally halved the damage anyway.
CALLIE
Oh, is that how that works?
SPENCER
It’s called average I believe.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Hey, let’s be fair. 4 is slightly below average. So,
good for us.
GUNNER
That will be 43.
CALLIE
(COUGH LAUGHS)
HANNAH
Okay.
SPENCER
Oh ya.
GUNNER
Of cold damage on a failed save.
SPENCER
Oh ya!
CALLIE
Ah!
SPENCER
I remember that!
HANNAH
You can say that cold again. That’s ice cold.
CALLIE
Baby, it’s cold outside!
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
And half as much on a success.
SPENCER
Yay 24!
HANNAH
Oh wow!
GUNNER
- And yeah that is its action.
SPENCER
Ouch.
HANNAH
That was it naturally halved. Wow!
CALLIE
Sure hope it does not regain that ability.
GUNNER
Yeah, I think it’s gonna stay there. Eager to just
attack the guy that’s closest to him right now.
SPENCER
Cool.
GUNNER
Alright next in initiative is Pip Squeak.
HANNAH
How far away is it?
GUNNER
30 feet
HANNAH
And that gap of the bisected waterfall is about how
much?
GUNNER
15 feet. It is frozen. So you can cross it. It is just
is difficult terrain.
HANNAH
Right, okay, right. It’s like a sloping thing, rather
than just straight down.
GUNNER
Yeah. Mm hmm.
HANNAH
Okay. Okay. Okay, that clears things up for me.
GUNNER
Yeah. So it’s like, like a thick sheet of ice on top of
this pathway that makes it difficult to cross.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Man that terrain sure is difficult.
GUNNER
So that is five feet in front of you and the Yeti is 10
feet away from it on the other side.
HANNAH
Yeah, I mean, the most I can do really is ride Mimi
within 10 feet.
MIMI (GUNNER)
Aah.
HANNAH
That’s the best I can do. Oh, except it’s difficult
terrain so it wouldn’t be within 10 feet. I have... how
much would that take to get across that waterfall?
GUNNER
HANNAH
15 feet of difficult terrain.
CALLIE
Can’t you direct Mimi to dash?
HANNAH
Is that considered separate from my own movement?
SPENCER
Yeah. If you’re on Mimi, it’s not your movement. It’s
Mimi’s movement.
HANNAH
Okay.Okay, I guess I just stay at the edge of the water
then.
GUNNER
I will have you roll a dexterity saving throw...
HANNAH
Oh!
GUNNER
For Mimi to run across this ice just to not fall prone,
so you get advantage on that.
HANNAH
- I don’t know remember what her modifiers if any
are.
GUNNER
That’s alright. Natural 16 passes. She is very sturdy
on this ice.
HANNAH
She is. She’s confident.
GUNNER
You go lance ahead!
HANNAH
I rolled a natural one so it doesn’t hit.
CALLIE
Oh my god.
SPENCER
Third one of the night!
GUNNER
I’m so sorry. Alright. You get a second attack if you
would like.
HANNAH
I do get a second attack. So, I whiff that first one
because while Mimi is sure about this ice, I feel a
little nervous.
GUNNER
Mm hmm.
HANNAH
That second one is an 18 to hit.
GUNNER
18 hits.
HANNAH
9 damage.
GUNNER
9 damage. Alright, you thrust forward with your lance
and Mimi is doing that anime thing of like...
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
You know where you’re bracing yourself hard enough that
the rock crumbles beneath you? But it’s the ice this
time...
PIP (HANNAH)
Oh no!
GUNNER
As you thrust forward with force.
HANNAH
Okay.
GUNNER
And Mimi stands her ground.
HANNAH
Nice.
GUNNER
And you impact the abominable Yeti in its abdomen and
it takes the 9 points of damage.
HANNAH
I am gonna use unwavering mark.
SPENCER
Nice.
HANNAH
Which is when I get a creature I can put this mark on
GUNNER
Is that like goading one where it has disadvantage on
everything but you?
HANNAH
Yes. Yeah.
GUNNER
Okay. Is there anything else you’d like to do?
HANNAH
That’s it.
GUNNER
next on the docket is Odette!
CALLIE
First things first, I’m gonna heal myself.
GUNNER
Excellent.
HANNAH
Ugh. You’re so smart, Odette.
CALLIE
Okay, I heal 12
GUNNER
Oh...
HANNAH
That’s better than healing nothing at all. And having
11 HP.
CALLIE
How far did that cone look like it reached? Did it look
like it went far behind us as well?
GUNNER
No, it basically just like got ya.
CALLIE
It was like cut off at 30 feet? Okay, I’m gonna go an
additional 30 feet in the air. So I’m 45 feet in the
air. I’m going to shoot it with my short bow. Um 24 to
hit.
GUNNER
24 absolutely hits.
CALLIE
Okay, I’m going to use my Fury of the Small on this and
also I’m going to make this a Grasping Arrow.
GUNNER
Ooh.
CALLIE
First of all with the Fury of the Small that’s 13
piercing damage.
GUNNER
Alright, your bolt from your crossbow goes thwip
through the air and pierces this tough hide of this
Yeti.
CALLIE
Okay, and also, so it explodes in poison damage.
GUNNER
Ah!
CALLIE
And that’s 10 poison damage. Its speed is reduced by 10
feet, the first time it moves without teleporting on
each of its turns, it takes 2d6 slashing damage, and it
can make an athletics check against my DC, otherwise it
lasts for one minute or until I use this feature again.
And that’s my turn.
GUNNER
You don’t have a second attack?
CALLIE
Oh my god I do.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
You’re a fighter!
CALLIE
I’m gonna shoot it again.
GUNNER
You’re not a rogue, you’re a fighter.
CALLIE
This time I will try and do sharpshooter.
GUNNER
Alright.
CALLIE
No.
HANNAH
Oh, what is it?
CALLIE
That is 8 to hit.
GUNNER
Misses, as you are bolstered with confidence because of
your first hit and the fact that this person is now
covered in vines, your other one just goes too wide.
There’s like a random gust of wind that just pushes it
way off board.
CALLIE
How late in the day is it?
GUNNER
It’s like Eleven. Ten/Eleven.
CALLIE
Oh, it’s quite early in the day. Okay.
SPENCER
We’ve only been at this for a few hours.
CALLIE
Oh wait, this... Okay.
GUNNER
You have plenty of day to short rest, even.
CALLIE
Yeah. Okay, I... that’s it for me right now.
HANNAH
Or die.
GUNNER
Or just be dead.
SPENCER
Or perish.
GUNNER
Kin-of-Moss!
SPENCER
That’s me!
GUNNER
You’re up now?
SPENCER
Okay. So I’m going to, firstly take a few steps forward
right to the edge of my side of this frozen waterfall.
And I’m going to give a rallying cry to Pip...
HANNAH
Ooh.
SPENCER
Talking about how great their heroism is, and how I
appreciate their efforts. I’m going to use my rally
maneuver.
HANNAH
That’s an 8
SPENCER
You get nine temporary hit points. That’s my bonus
action. Then I’m going to use my movement and I’m going
to be sort of right beside Pip and Mimi on the ice.
GUNNER
Awesome.
SPENCER
That’s all of my movement. Wait, the Yeti is...
GUNNER
Is now 10 feet away.
SPENCER
Is 10 feet away? Oh...
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
And...
GUNNER
Well, well, well.
HANNAH
How convenient.
SPENCER
In that case, then... I’m going to take my glaive and
I’m going to start with both hands on it and trying to
sort of thrust at the lower part of its abdomen, sort
of waistline level and make an attack. 16?
GUNNER
16 hits.
SPENCER
Nice. So I am going to stab at its abdomen and then try
to... by turning it slightly and then with my backhand
pushing forward, use a pushing attack maneuver as well.
GUNNER
Oh.
SPENCER
So I’m going to roll damage. It’s going to be 5 points
of slashing damage. And then I’m going to, with my
pushing attack maneuver, rolling another Superiority
die real quick and add that to damage another 6 points
of damage and...
GUNNER
As you thrust forward and thrust again. Pushing this
creature back.
HANNAH
Are you okay?
SPENCER
And so with that last push and slight twist of this I’m
going to try to push it back and it’s going to make a
strength saving throw. What size is this Creature?
GUNNER
This is a huge creature.
SPENCER
Aha, well I count as large so I can do this.
GUNNER
Yes, you can push it back. That’s a 24 on that.
SPENCER
Uhh... That just, that... my DC is 15 so it’s close.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Excellent. This yeti is also incredibly beefy as
muscles just... its abs just flex and it has...
SPENCER
It has abs on its biceps.
GUNNER
Forcefully pushes your glaive out with just force of
muscle.
HANNAH
Oh, disgusting.
SPENCER
It looks like a Baki character.
HANNAH
(GAGS)
Oh my... So, he looks great, is what I’m hearing.
SPENCER
Then I’m just going to make another attack with my
Javelin, then. Uhh that’s a natural one. I do not hit
thank you for your time everyone.
GUNNER
Oh no.
HANNAH
Yes, we’re getting them all out.
CALLIE
Does your javelin fall down the cliff?
HANNAH
No!
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
Callie...
GUNNER
You’re just too distracted by the shiny blue abs of
this yeti.
HANNAH
The reveal he’s shaved them!
SPENCER
Only his belly area.
GUNNER
Yeah.
SPENCER
I’m distracted by the fact that when he flexes a
certain way it looks like a demon face for just a
second.
GUNNER
He can make his belly button frown.
SPENCER
And that’s my turn. That’s my turn thanks folks.
GUNNER
It is now beef boy’s turn!
CALLIE
Oh good I thought that was the Yeti for a second.
GUNNER
No, beef boy!
HANNAH
They’re both beef boys. It’s beef boy one and beef boy
two.
CALLIE
(SINGING)
Gimme the beef boy and free my soul...
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
That’s as much as I can sing of this song.
GUNNER
Beef boy is prone. He’s going to get up for half his
movement. What is he going to do?
PIP (HANNAH)
What are you doing up here unsupervised?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Hit him with your sword!
MINOTAUR (GUNNER
Alright, I will hit him with my sword.
HANNAH
Little German boy, no!
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
As he bears down on the Yeti with his great sword.
HANNAH
No, he’s a minotaur.
SPENCER
(IMITATING A TROMBONE)
Bom bom bom bom.
HANNAH
Thank you
GUNNER
That is going to hit. That is 18 to hit. He does an
amount of damage and then (in minotaur’s voice) he will
make his another attack. That definitely hits for
another amount of damage.
HANNAH
Secret secrets.
GUNNER
Secret secrets hurt this yeti!
CALLIE
Does this yeti look... Does this yeti look wounded at
all at this point?
SPENCER
I doubt it.
GUNNER
Uh... No.
CALLIE
Oh no!
GUNNER
With the swing of the greatsword.
SPENCER
It’s the first round of combat.
HANNAH
But I look awful.
SPENCER
Yeah.
CALLIE
I also look pretty bad.
HANNAH
Yes.
SPENCER
You have potions!
GUNNER
With the swing of the great sword, it’s just... it just
shaves more of the fur off his belly showing another
pack.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
He’s at like a twelve-pack now.
HANNAH
It’s just like the parts around his normal six pack
that are also fully like...
GUNNER
He has like an insane Adonis belt.
SOUND: MUSIC FADES OUT
SPENCER
Somehow he’s belt both like a weightlifter and a
bodybuilder so he has the bulk and the definition.
GUNNER
His abs are just so far out.
HANNAH
He’s got a serious... A serious V.
SPENCER
When he flexes a certain way, it looks like a snowflake
on his belly.
GUNNER
That was beef boy’s turn now it’s the Yeti’s turn and
they’re going to see if they get their cold breath
back.
HANNAH
Don’t.
GUNNER
They do not.
CALLIE
Ooh.
HANNAH
Good.
GUNNER
It’s going to try and get in range with you, Pip
Squeak.
HANNAH
Sure.
CALLIE
You activated my trap card. It’s wrapped up in thorny
vines.
GUNNER
Oh true.
CALLIE
So that’s 8 poison damage.
GUNNER
Alright.
CALLIE
No! Slashing if that makes a difference.
GUNNER
It does not in this case.
CALLIE
Okay.
GUNNER
As you’re all here, It just looks at all of you.
Flexes, does like a Jojo pose.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
And you see its piercing blue eyes.
HANNAH
Okay!
SPENCER
Oh dear. I forgot about this.
GUNNER
As you just the coolest pose ever. And it casts a
chilling gaze upon you.
SPENCER
Abominable!
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
You’ll all have to make a Con saving throw.
CALLIE
Does this affect me in the air?
HANNAH
We have disadvantage!
SPENCER
No, that’s saving throw.
HANNAH
Okay.
GUNNER
It doesn’t.
CALLIE
Haha!
GUNNER
It’s a 30 foot range.
CALLIE
Hahaha!
HANNAH
Does Mimi also have to make a save?
GUNNER
Mimi also has to make a save.
HANNAH
Oh. Okay, so Mimi rolled an 11.
GUNNER
Oh, no. Rest in peace, Mimi.
SOUND: LOW OMINOUS MUSIC BEGINS
SPENCER
Ah!
HANNAH
No!
GUNNER
Alright. What’s Pip Squeak’s roll?
HANNAH
GUNNER
Alright, that’s fails.
SPENCER
That’s a 17 for me.
GUNNER
That fails.
SPENCER
Nice.
CALLIE
Oh my god.
HANNAH
What?
CALLIE
17 fails?
GUNNER
As you take...
HANNAH
I’m sorry. And you’re blaming this on WotC?
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Yeah, It’s a medium encounter!
HANNAH
Mm.
GUNNER
Oh. Okay, that’s a lot of 3’s and 2’s I’m seeing.
HANNAH
Okay, Mimi has four hit points.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
Just goatsicle.
HANNAH
No!
GUNNER
That’s 16 points of cold damage.
SPENCER
Ouch.
GUNNER
And you are paralyzed for one minute.
CALLIE
Oh my god.
SPENCER
Ouch.
GUNNER
You can repeat the saving throw at the end of each of
your turns.
SPENCER
Yeowch.
GUNNER
Alright. And Mimi’s down. Just a block of ice.
SPENCER
Is this one of the ones where it’s like "if this brings
you to zero hit points it dot dot dot"?
GUNNER
Nope.
SPENCER
Okay, I was misremembering then.
GUNNER
Mimi is... could be alive in there. In that ice berg.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
In there!
GUNNER
She’s just fused with the waterfall.
CALLIE
Wait. Is Pip still up?
HANNAH
I’m still on the goat.
SPENCER
But the goat is on the ground.
CALLIE
No, but are you conscious?
HANNAH
I have some hit points.
CALLIE
Hoo boy.
HANNAH
Thank you temporary hip points.
SPENCER
Yay.
HANNAH
I have six hit points, but I’m paralyzed for a minute.
So let’s see.
GUNNER
Actually, you know what?
HANNAH
Oh?
GUNNER
You see a... the minotaur looks at you, Kin-of-Moss.
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
I think you can stay warm for this.
GUNNER
It gives you a thumbs up.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Thank you.
GUNNER
And adds their charisma modifier to your saving throw.
SPENCER
Nice, yay!
GUNNER
That’s a +2 but you succeed.
SPENCER
That’s a 19. So it was it a DC 18?
GUNNER
DC 18.
SPENCER
I missed it by one. I felt like that was the case.
GUNNER
Yeah, mm hmm.
SPENCER
So, do I take half damage or no damage for this one?
GUNNER
You take no damage!
SPENCER
Nice
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
The only beefy boy is me.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
That was the yeti’s turn. It is now Pip Squeak’s turn.
At the end of your turn, you can roll another Con save.
HANNAH
That’s a nat 20.
GUNNER
Nat 20. You’re unparalyzed.
HANNAH
(LIKE AN AIRHORN)
Bah bah bow!
GUNNER
As... as the rage of seeing Mimi knocked out just melts
the ice that was forming around you. You’re just ready
to beat this guy up but that is the end of your turn.
SPENCER
Doom music starts playing.
HANNAH
Oh, okay.
GUNNER
It is now Odette’s turn.
CALLIE
Okay. Is there like an outcropping up the cliff where I
am? And/or like part of the frozen waterfall that I can
hide behind?
GUNNER
Uh, yeah.
CALLIE
From the yeti.
GUNNER
I’ll say yeah, there’s a lot of rocks and stuff you can
hide behind.
CALLIE
So I’m gonna land and then try and hide with
disadvantage because I’m exhausted. Ah! They were both
2’s.
GUNNER
Oh, no.
CALLIE
So that’s a 10, which... could be...
GUNNER
It could be something...
CALLIE
Hidden. That could be hidden depending on how
distracted it is.
GUNNER
You think you hid.
CALLIE
Okay. I did about as well as I thought I could.
GUNNER
Yeah.
CALLIE
Okay, now I’m going to attack it with sharpshooter.
GUNNER
Sorry, I forgot a Chilling Gaze was just one of its
moves.
CALLIE
Oh my god.
SPENCER
Mm hmm.
GUNNER
It still gets two attacks afterwards. So to resolve
this, I’ll do one against Pip Squeak and one against
Kin-of-Moss.
SPENCER
Hello, that’s me.
GUNNER
and this would have been when you were frozen.
HANNAH
Okay.
GUNNER
So.
SPENCER
It gets advantage.
GUNNER
It gets advantage on you. 24 to hit?
HANNAH
Yeah, that hits.
GUNNER
Good. WotC, what did you create?
HANNAH
Uh, monsters. I think they have a whole manual of them.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
So that’s... trying to do math in my head.
HANNAH
I have 6 hit points, so I feel like if it’s anything
like it might be more than 6.
GUNNER
Yeah.
CALLIE
Is it somewhere between 6 and 59 hit points?
HANNAH
Then I am down.
GUNNER
Yeah. You’re down.
CALLIE
Oh!
GUNNER
But I’ll say you made your saving throw, so you’re not
paralyzed while you’re down.
HANNAH
Sure.
GUNNER
And one against Kin-of-Moss.
SPENCER
I retaliate first with my reaction. With my Sentinel
feature.
GUNNER
Ah! Okay, go ahead!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
How dare you hurt my friend and reject my rye!
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
That is going to be a ten to hit, which I don’t believe
hits.
GUNNER
Misses.
SPENCER
Okay.
GUNNER
Alright and then it... it looks at you confused and
then just bonks you on the head.
SPENCER
It’ll try.
GUNNER
For 26 to hit?
SPENCER
It’ll succeed.
GUNNER
Alright. That’s 12 points of slashing damage.
SPENCER
But my heavy armor is masterful, so I’ll take 3 less.
GUNNER
Nice. And 4 points of cold damage.
SPENCER
Ouch.
GUNNER
As you feel its icy fingers caress the side of your
face as it brushes against you.
HANNAH
It’s getting really...
CALLIE
This is a really sexual fight.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
Having a kind of ghost moment going on here.
GUNNER
This fight? Just got sexy.
SPENCER
The waterfall starts melting from the steam.
HANNAH
From how hot it is in here.
GUNNER
Pip Squeak, since you’re down on your turn. Could you
make a death save for me?
HANNAH
Yeah, I can do that. An 11.
ALL
(GASP)
GUNNER
One success. Alright. Odette. Is there anything
different you want to do now?
CALLIE
So I’ve already hidden
HANNAH
Do I need to roll for Mimi?
GUNNER
No, Mimi is... Mimi is out. I will say Mimi. Mimi can’t
die. But Mimi is done for today.
HANNAH
Yeah.
CALLIE
How bad does it look? Does it look like it has been
harmed significantly yet or no?
GUNNER
Not since the last time you asked, no.
CALLIE
Okay. Yeah. So I have hidden as well as I think I can
and then I’m going to try and attack it. Do I have
advantage?
GUNNER
You do not.
CALLIE
That’s... I didn’t think so. Okay, Sharpshooter! That’s
GUNNER
8 misses.
CALLIE
I’m going to try again. That’s... a million... 24.
GUNNER
24 hits. That’s 19 piercing damage.
GUNNER
Alright, now it’s looking kind of ragged here. Not
doing as many sexy flexing poses as it was before to
dodge out the way of your arrows.
CALLIE
It has like... sexy Saint Sebastian arrow wounds.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
Lmao.
GUNNER
Yeah. Is that your turn?
CALLIE
Yeah.
GUNNER
Alright, Kin-of-Moss. It’s your turn.
SPENCER
So, in that case, then I’m going to go for another push
attack. And so I’m going to make an attack roll against
it with my glaive. And this time I’m going to try to
sort of... From bottom right to its shoulder, try to
sweep up and push it back and make my attack. 20 to
hit.
GUNNER
20 Hits.
SPENCER
Nice, so another strength saving throw on that.
GUNNER
As you swiftly slash up against this creature.
SPENCER
Nice that a lot of damage. 21 points of slashing
damage. 10 plus 8 plus 3.
GUNNER
Dang. Yeah, that you took a big chunk out of the this
yeti. Fur and flesh just scattered about.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Don’t hurt my friend... And the goat.
GUNNER
It made a 24 for that?
SPENCER
Yeah, that’s fine. My DC is 15, so unless it fails
quite a bit I don’t imagine it’s going anywhere.
GUNNER
Yeah.
SPENCER
Taking it from that. I’m going to use that momentum. To
bring it round go from right shoulder down. Yeah, 19
plus...
GUNNER
Yeah, that hits.
SPENCER
7 points of damage.
GUNNER
Awesome.
SPENCER
And then as it’s coming around, I’m gonna hit it with
the back end of my glaive with using the polearm master
thing. That doesn’t hit an 11.
GUNNER
No. So you do a swift flurry of hits and a little blunt
butt-end of your polearm and it is looking very harried
now.
HANNAH
But less hairy.
GUNNER
But less hairy. You’re seeing more muscles more tone
happening here. But also a lot more cuts. He’s cut and
he’s cut.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
Incredible
GUNNER
And is that your turn?
SPENCER
That is my turn.
GUNNER
Alright, top of the round. It is beef boy!
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
I guess we should just try and take him down. This is
not happening very good. Anyway, take my sword to you.
GUNNER
That’s a 17, that hits.
SPENCER
Nice.
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
And then I wouldn’t have at you again.
SOUND: MUSIC FADES OUT
GUNNER
As he slashes down on the Yeti once more. That’s
natural 20!
ALL
Ayy!
GUNNER
For beef boy! Beef boy!
HANNAH
Got beef.
GUNNER
Dang yeah, that was a lot of damage, as this minotaur
is just swinging at the meaty quads of this yeti.
Because that’s the height it’s at.
SPENCER
Has he gotten up yet?
GUNNER
Yeah! He’s standing up. He just hasn’t moved anywhere
else.
SPENCER
I missed that I just wanted to double check.
GUNNER
Yeah. And so that is his turn and he is going to stand
his ground, but the yeti... The yeti is not looking too
hot. But it is the yeti’s turn, we will see if it gets
its cold breath back.
SOUND: DICE ROLLING
CALLIE
(RESTRAINING LAUGHTER)
Oh my god.
SPENCER
Go on, I want you to do it.
GUNNER
It does. I think it’s just gonna... it’s gonna go for
beef boy with this. It’s gonna target...
CALLIE
Is it moving at least one foot?
GUNNER
No it’s just turning to the side because it’s right
there.
CALLIE
Aw okay.
GUNNER
But it won’t be in range of anyone else. It’s just a
targeted attack against beef boy. Alright beef boy,
make your con save.
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
No, I do not. Oh no.
CALLIE
Oh no.
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
This is gonna hurt.
GUNNER
As a ferocious wind blows, freezing beef boy, his
horn...
HANNAH
Horn is the loneliest number
GUNNER
Is getting icicles on them as he takes... Oh holy shit.
HANNAH
You didn’t have to do that.
CALLIE
This Yeti saw beef boy and was like I’m a vegetarian
and I’m not fucking scared of him.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Oh my god, that’s so many 8’s
CALLIE
Oh my god.
HANNAH
Uh uh.
CALLIE
Well beef boy, we hardly knew ye.
HANNAH
He was right there.
SPENCER
We recommend flash freezing your beef before
consumption.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
As this wind, this icy breath blows onto beef boy and
he finally knows what chewing Five Gum feels like...
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
You see beef boy just like willing himself to take the
brunt of it. And it doesn’t faze him as much. You see
his like clothing isn’t as frosted over, his horns do
have the icicles, but like... with the clothing he’s
wearing, he takes half damage.
SPENCER
Nice.
CALLIE
Yeah!
GUNNER
So he is still up.
ODETTE
Oh, good for you!
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
I’m not too happy, but I am used to the cold.
GUNNER
That is the yeti’s turn. Pip Squeak.
CALLIE
Oh, Pip, oh no.
GUNNER
You got to death saving throw.
HANNAH
That’s a fail.
CALLIE AND GUNNER
Oh no.
HANNAH
That’s that.
GUNNER
That’s that. Odette.
CALLIE
I’m gonna try and hide again.
GUNNER
Yeah, go ahead.
HANNAH
Sounds safe.
CALLIE
Oh, that’s much better. That’s 23.
GUNNER
- You are definitely hidden and I’ll tell you that
much.
CALLIE
Alright, now I’m gonna sharpshooter.
GUNNER
Excellent.
CALLIE
Umm 18.
GUNNER
18 hits.
CALLIE
Okay, that’s 20 piercing damage.
GUNNER
Hm? Excuse me, what? Damn.
CALLIE
I rolled a 5+15.
HANNAH
We do love a good Sharpshooter.
GUNNER
You like go right for the Achilles tendon and (like an
arrow) fwoo! Hit it as it reels back.
HANNAH
Damn, that seems hard to get from this angle.
GUNNER
That’s what sharpshooter is baby! Hitting somewhere
specific for maximum damage.
HANNAH
That’s from 45 feet of height.
GUNNER
As you hear the Yeti roar in pain.
HANNAH
Sounds like bad news.
GUNNER
That’s your first attack.
CALLIE
It’s still up?
GUNNER
It’s still up.
CALLIE
Okay, I’m gonna try another Sharpshooter shot which is
now... I’ve I’ve now revealed where I am. So I...
GUNNER
Yeah.
CALLIE
Ooh, um 13.
GUNNER
13 misses.
CALLIE
No, that’s 12.
GUNNER
12 also misses.
CALLIE
12 also misses.
SPENCER
12 hits, 13 misses!
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
There’s a sweet spot.
GUNNER
I decide a below and above.
SPENCER
AC’s are now going to be on a bell curve.
CALLIE
Did you say applying potions is a bonus action or an
action?
GUNNER
It is a bonus action, if you want to roll for the
healing. It is a full action to get the full amount of
the healing potion.
CALLIE
And that’s either for yourself or for someone else who
is down?
GUNNER
Yes.
CALLIE
Okay. I’m going to fly down and I give Pip an average
healing potion.
GUNNER
Did you use your bonus action?
CALLIE
So true. Okay, I will use my Action Surge and give you
the full amount of 12?
GUNNER
Yeah.
CALLIE
12 hit points.
GUNNER
Cause it’s 2d4+4.
CALLIE
Yeah. Oh, and now I’m right in the way so that’s good.
GUNNER
Woo!
CALLIE
And that’s my turn.
GUNNER
That’s okay. Because now it’s Kin-of-Moss’s turn.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
That’s me. So I’m just like, Oh, great Pip is okay,
relatively speaking. And I’m going to, once again try
to stand up to this bully who has been hurting my
friends and my new friend. The fjord-otaur. And I’m
going to..
MINOTAUR
You could ask my name.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
We’re busy.
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
That is fair!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
And so I’m going to make just my normal attack, first
of all. I’m gonna miss my first attack.
GUNNER
Oh no.
SPENCER
So, my second attack is a natural 20.
GUNNER
Woo!
SPENCER
(AIR HORN NOISES)
Bow bow bow!
GUNNER
Oh yeah! Roll for it.
SPENCER
I’m going to make this another pushing attack, just so
I have more dice to roll. Alright, so that’s going to
be it... 30 points of slashing damage!
GUNNER
Whoo! Kin-of-Moss...
SPENCER
Yay!
GUNNER
Describe this yeti’s demise.
SPENCER
I am going to stand over my friend who’s just
recovering their friend, who is just chilling. Our
collective new friend and I’m going to just bring my
glaive up to sort of reflect some of the sunlight into
its eyes. And instead of hitting it, I’m going to bring
it down so that I hit the edge of the ledge that we’re
- And since I was using a pushing attack, push down
into it and try to lever that up, cracking the stone
under its feet so that it falls off the side of the
mountain.
GUNNER
You deke out the Yeti as it raises an arm to block your
strike from above, and you drive your glaive down into
the stone cracking it in just the right position. As
you push down and pry up, you start a rocky landslide
that consumes the Yeti as it falls into the ravine
below you. And that’s the end of combat.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Are you okay, Pip?
PIP (HANNAH)
Mimi, are you okay?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, great.
GUNNER
Mimi is just like a like ice statue.
ODETTE
Oh!
PIP (HANNAH)
I don’t know what to do about an ice statue? Maybe I’ll
just carry her until she melts out.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Maybe I can help you with that instead?
PIP
Sure.
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
You can come back to my cave and we can warm her up.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Thank you.
PIP
What’s your name?
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
By the way, thank you for helping me. That yeti was
very scary.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
It was the right thing to do.
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
Yeah...
PIP (HANNAH)
So no name?
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
Oh my name... my name is Hugo.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Hello, Hugo. It’s wonderful to meet you.
HUGO (GUNNER)
How about you? What are you doing so high up in the
mountains?
PIP (HANNAH)
We’re looking for a dragon.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
We’re here to end winter. Both of those things are
true.
HUGO (GUNNER)
Wait, what did you say? What... you talked at the same
time.
PIP (HANNAH)
I said we’re looking for a dragon. Kin-of-Moss said
we’re here to end winter.
HUGO (GUNNER)
Okay, well the other one’s a bit conceptual for me but
I did see a dragon fly overhead a few hours ago.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, that’s where we’re going. It’s upwards and onwards
from here. Also I’m Kin-of-Moss. Thank you for your aid
in that, Hugo, as well.
PIP (HANNAH)
We could take a lunch.
HUGO (GUNNER)
I have food.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Where is... Where is your... your cave.
HUGO (GUNNER)
It is just up a little bit it’s not too far. I was just
coming back from hunting and this yeti was here.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Very rude of it.
HUGO (GUNNER)
Incredibly rude of it. So these other two: what are
your names?
PIP (HANNAH)
Did I not already introduce myself?
HUGO (GUNNER)
I do not remember I am so sorry.
PIP (HANNAH)
My name is Pip. Pip Squeak.
HUGO (GUNNER)
Hello, Pip. It is very lovely to meet you.
HANNAH
We shake hands.
CALLIE
Can I roll an insight check?
GUNNER
Yeah, roll an insight check.
HANNAH
How much of a Rube is this guy?
CALLIE
GUNNER
There’s nothing too weird about him other than like his
accent and the fact that he’s living up in a mountain,
in a cave.
CALLIE
Does he have any like animal carcasses with him?
Because he said he was returning from hunting.
GUNNER
Like yeah, you see some like carcasses like strewn
about.
CALLIE
Ah, they got...
GUNNER
Strewn about because...
SPENCER
He was thrown around quite literally.
GUNNER
He got into like a beef with this Yeti.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Alibi checks out. I’m Odette.
GUNNER
You see Hugo is wearing like this very heavy, thick
winter outfit. It doesn’t look like clothing from here.
It looks like it’s from a place far more north and like
foreign. It’s got different colouring than like the
colouring of your...
PIP (HANNAH)
You’re not from around here. Are you?
HUGO (GUNNER)
No I am not. We can go to my cave and we can talk even
more if you’d like.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
That sounds lovely. Thank you for your invitation Hugo.
SPENCER
As we’re leaving I’m just gonna chip off some ice from
the waterfall. Put that in a container.
HUGO
I can also carry the goat if you would like.
PIP (HANNAH)
Kin-of-Moss offered. We shouldn’t make a guest carry...
HUGO (GUNNER)
You are the guests. The cave is my home.
PIP (HANNAH)
But you’re a guest to our group.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I will just take care of it but thank you, Hugo.
HUGO (GUNNER)
Alright.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
The offer is appreciated.
SPENCER
And I’m just gonna try to pick up Mimi and carry her.
GUNNER
You hoist a frozen Mimi on to your shoulder and Hugo
leads you up this kind of rocky incline towards a cave
where you see a warm glowing light of a fire
illuminating the inside of the cave. And that’s where
we’re gonna end this session. Great work everyone.
ALL
Yay!
SPENCER
Great work, everyone! Thanks for running, Gunner.
GUNNER
Woo hoo! Well, we survived.
HANNAH
What a fight.
GUNNER
We survived a terribly balanced encounter yet again,
I’m so sorry, I should never trust WotC with anything
if you want to hear more of our stuff, please follow
- We’re on Spotify. You can also find us on Twitter
@class_feature . You can find me on Twitter
@runngunnergunn . All those words have one... No!
HANNAH
Two!
GUNNER
All spelled with two N’s.
HANNAH
And you can find Hugo in a cave.
HUGO (GUNNER)
You can find me in a cave. It’s where I live!
GUNNER
Anyone else got anything they’d like to plug or
anything?
SPENCER
As always, thanks for watching and do not look for me
on any social media.
HANNAH
My recommendation? Unsubscribe.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
No!
CALLIE
Why?
GUNNER
I’m trying so hard!
SPENCER
That’s very rude.
HANNAH
I’m just here to be contrary.
CALLIE
My recommendation is resubscribe.
GUNNER
Yeah!
SPENCER
(SINGS HORN RIFF TO JOHN CENA’S THEME SONG)
CALLIE
Delete the episode and redownload it a bunch of times.
HANNAH
Ooh. Do redownload it.
GUNNER
Give us five stars if that’s a thing you can do.
SPENCER
Clear your history and watch it again to give us more
in the analytics.
HANNAH
I don’t think... It might be a thing. Anyway, Callie?
CALLIE
Keep it... keep the episode running on Spotify on a low
volume, not muted.
HANNAH
Keep it real.
CALLIE
Yeah.
GUNNER
Keep it classy. Keep it real. Oh, keep it classy! Like
class feature.
SPENCER
We’ve made a fantastic discovery. Alright. Keep it
class... No, wait, Callie.
HANNAH
Callie’s gotta promo
You can follow me on Twitter @changpowless .
GUNNER
Alright. That’s been Class Feature. Keep it classy!