The Curse of Religious Perfectionism
Growth Marriage
Scrupulosity, or religious perfectionism/OCD, can be debilitating for both individuals and couples. The belief that unless you do everything right, keep all the rules, are perfectly obedient, and live according to God's will... something terrible will happen. This episode with perfectionism expert, Dr. Menije explores how our anxiety leaks out into our spiritual life. She provides some great examples of what scrupulosity can look like, and what we can do about it.
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What Is Differentiation? | Anxiety Series #2
Growth Marriage
In order to master your anxiety, you must become differentiated. Differentiation is the ability to separate your thoughts from your feelings, and to separate your own thoughts and feelings from the thoughts and feelings of others. This is a practice you will be working on for the rest of your life. Today's episode will introduce you to the first part of differentiation, and give you some first steps to start calming yourself down.
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Friendship In The Age of Loneliness with Adam "Smiley" Poswolsky
Growth Marriage
Friendship is the foundation of your marriage. If you can't be a good friend to people outside your marriage, it's unlikely you'll be a good friend to your partner. Also, friendships outside your marriage are CRUCIAL for the survival of your relationship. Your community is your bedrock. In today's episode, I talk to the author of the new book, "," Adam Smiley Powsolwky. We talk about why friendship is important, and give a bunch of ideas of how to cultivate more meaningful friendships.
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Your Internal Smoke Alarm | Anxiety Series #1
Growth Marriage
Anxiety is basically negative emotions that your brain manufactures to help keep you safe from potential threats... kind of like a smoke alarm. But just like a smoke alarm, there's no special mechanism to help it detect the severity of the threat. Bacon burning on the stove gets the same treatment as a house fire. This is a problem because at some point in your marriage, your partner is going to hurt you, disappoint you, or let you down. That means your brain will detect them as a threat, which will drive a wedge between you. In order to keep the connection alive, we need to learn to...
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The Go-Giver Marriage
Growth Marriage
Some people have relationships that just look so easy, so smooth, and so natural. How do they do it? Are they just lucky? Or are they doing something that everyone else is missing? In this episode, I sit down with John and Ana Mann, authors of the book "The Go-Giver Marriage." This interview (and their book) uncomplicates love and marriage in a really beautiful way. I hope you give it a listen, and check out their new book at: HTTP://gogivermarriage.com
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What Should You Do If You're Caught In An Affair?
Growth Marriage
Affairs are more common than you'd think. Roughly 50% of marriages are faced with some sort of infidelity at some point during their relationship. So... what do you do if you're caught up in an affair? What do you say if you've fallen hard for someone that's not your partner? How do you respond if your spouse just told you they've been cheating? How can you recover? That's what we're going to talk about in this episode with Kimberly Holmes from Marriage Helper.
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Why You Shouldn't "Become One" With Your Parnter
Growth Marriage
Were you ever told that "Becoming One" was the ultimate goal in marriage? Or if you put your partner's needs before your own (and if they do the same) your relationship would flourish? Every day I see people who buy into these nice-sounding mindsets, only to watch their marriage slowly crumble. If you are: A fixer... Or you avoid negative emotions because you think they're bad... Or you find yourself turning to things like porn, video games, social media, or workaholism... Or you really struggle to ask for what you want... Or you're subtly dishonest and manipulative... You should check out...
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Why Is Being A "Nice Guy" Bad?
Growth Marriage
Dr. Robert Glover says,"Nice Guy Syndrome represents a belief that if Nice Guys are 'good,' they will be loved, get their needs met, and live a problem-free life. When this life strategy fails to produce the desired results — as it often does — Nice Guys usually just try harder, doing more of the same. Due to the sense of helplessness and resentment this pattern inevitably produces, Nice Guys are often anything but nice." Today, I sit down with 2 other recovering Nice Guys and talk about the toll Nice Guy Syndrome had on our relationships and some of the things we've done to try to get...
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5 Tips to Change Your Partner
Growth Marriage
Is your partner checked out, no longer invested, withdrawn, or distant? Do you want to know what you can do to change them? To re-engage them? To get them invested in the marriage again? In this episode, I'll show you how the concepts of animal training can be utilized to help you take responsibility for your actions, words, and thoughts to influence change – and even transformation in your partner. The results often take time, but the proof is in the pudding: If you're truly committed, you can change your partner, and change your marriage... simply by changing yourself. 🙋♂️ If you...
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The Cost of Perfectionism with Dr. Menije [FULL EPISODE]
Growth Marriage
This is the full, unedited version of my interview with Dr. Menije, the Queen of Perfectionism.
info_outlineStoicism is an ancient Greek philosophy designed to make the practitioner more resilient, happier, more virtuous, courageous, and wise.
Some of history’s greatest leaders were Stoics: Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius, George Washington, Theodore Roosevelst, and more recently, people like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Brady, Bill Clinton, and prominent author Ryan Holiday.
The foundation of Stoicism is built on 4 virtues:
Courage - The ability to be brave
Temperance - The ability to practice moderation and self-control
Justice - Always doing what’s right, and dealing fairly with others
Wisdom - Truth and understanding
When practiced, these virtues help us remain focused on what’s truly important in life, and unlock our potential.
I’m a firm believer that if you really want to have an incredible marriage, you will practice the principles of stoicism whether it’s intentional or not.
Today, I’m going to share 10 powerful questions based on the principles of Stoicism that can help you be a better person, and a better partner.
These questions were curated by a Reddit user by the name of DickieBush.
- How am I complicit in creating the conditions I say I don’t want?
This is a powerful question that, when answered honestly, will expose you to all sorts of uncomfortable truths.
It will help you identify areas of your life where you might be talking the talk… but you’re not walking the walk.
It’s easy to commit to doing something that will make your life better, then fail to do them out of laziness, forgetfulness, procrastination, or avoidance.
When you stop lying to yourself, you can learn a lot about how you can get out of your own way, so you can stop perpetuating your own problems, and live a more fulfilled life.
- Where am I feeling the Resistance?
The Resistance is a concept introduced in Stephen Pressfield’s book, The War of Art.
What triggers the Resistance? Any time you choose to avoid immediate gratification in favor of pursuing some sort of long-term gains.
You feel the resistance when you put your phone down to clean the house.
Or when you try to turn off your video game so you can go work out.
Or when you try to stop watching YouTube, so you can plan that date night.
The areas where you feel and then succumb to resistance are clues to areas of your life where you can adjust your behavior in order to have the life or relationship you want.
- What would I do to make today horrible?
This question leverages the Inversion Principle. Avoiding a poor decision is easier than making the right ones.
Instead of thinking of everything I want to accomplish in a day, I think of everything I could do to make today horrible. Then I just avoid doing those things.
- Where am I making things more complex than they need to be?
It’s human nature to over-analyze our problems and struggles.
Overcomplicating life just creates stress, anxiety, and burnout.
And it keeps us stuck in problems we could easily solve.
Asking yourself this question will help you stay focused on taking action and keep you from getting caught in analysis paralysis.
- What would this look like if it were easy?
A while back, I interviewed Celeste Davis. In the interview she said, “What if the words ‘I don’t know’ were eliminated from your vocabulary?”
What possibilities would arise for you?
Sometimes we get in our own way by assuming our own problems are above our paygrade.
We get mired in the complexity, and end up feeling defeated and exhausted.
But what if this thing you were facing were easy…
What if you DID know what to do?
How would things be different?
When you give yourself permission to make the answers easy, it’s amazing how many of your problems become solvable… or at the very least, manageable.
- What if I did the opposite in every area?
Do you ever get stuck in a funk?
Maybe it feels like the routine you have developed just isn’t working for you anymore?
What if you do date night on Monday instead of Friday
What if you start having morning sex instead of nighttime sex?
What if you swap chores? If you normally cook the meals and your partner does the yard… switch it up!
Is our partner the one who always initiates? Why don’t you try being the instigator of affection?
See what happens when you mix things up. You might discover something magical.
- If I could only work for four hours this week, what would I work on?
Do you glorify busyness?
I know I do.
Sometimes I spend hours “working.” Then, at the end of the day, I try to figure out what I’ve accomplished… and for the life of me, I can’t figure it out.
Same thing often happens in my marriage. My wife and I will spend time together… but it’s not quality time.
We’ve killed so many hours in front of the TV, or sitting on the couch together while both on our phones.
Sure we’re spending time together… but is it quality time?
If you could ONLY see each other for a few minutes every day, how would you want to spend that time together?
How would that time be spent differently than the time you spend together now?
Now… how can you do more of that?
- How could I achieve my 10-year goals in six months?
This question is so fun to answer.
When you think in extremes, it helps you get away from self-imposed limitations.
The answers might be completely unrealistic. But you’ll be surprised how often some of your ideas are totally doable… or at the very least, they can help accelerate your goals.
Have a desire to pay off your house?
Maybe you want to retire early?
Maybe you want to start your own business together?
Or build up a college fund for your kids?
Get creative. Compound time. See what happens!
- How would the type of person I want to become handle this?
We all have an ideal we’re striving for.
We know there’s a better version of ourselves trying to get out.
When you ask yourself this question, you get free advice from a better version of you than you are right now.
Sometimes consulting your ideal self when dealing with a conflict, a personal challenge, or a new opportunity will bring out the very best in you right now.
- What would I do if it was impossible for me to fail?
Fear is paralyzing.
It keeps us from taking action, from taking risks, or from trying something new.
We put limitations on ourselves because we’re afraid we will fail.
When you take the option of failure off the table, it’s amazing how differently you choose to live your life… even if it’s just in theory.
What conversations would you have?
What kind gestures would you make?
What habits would you develop?
What traditions would you implement?
What changes would you make to yourself?
When you take failure off the table, the world becomes your oyster!
I hope these questions spark some ideas of how you could more quickly become the best partner you can be.
Stoicism is an amazing philosophy to live by. If you want to learn more about it, check out my favorite book on modern day stoicism by Ryan Holiday, “The Obstacle Is The Way.”