Today was the day for Gelbrax Dufrain!
At last he was being honored for the many achievements which he had achieved and the varied talents for which he was talented.
He had trained his entire life for this moment. It hadn’t always been easy and it certainly hadn’t been quick, he was 157 years old after all, but at last he was here, standing within the capital halls of the intergalactic presidium itself!
With his head held high Gelbrax ascended the staircase toward the grandstand.
There at the top awaited Twilla Zorbell – intergalactic sovereign vizier! Chief Executive Administrator of all known worlds and distinguished commander of the eternal defensive fleets of the Galactic Hegemony.
Upon reaching the zenith of the hovering staircase Gelbrax took a knee and bowed his head before the Intergalactic Sovereign Vizier, precisely as he’d been instructed.
“This is a tremendous day for all sentient life in the galaxy!” ISV Twilla Zorbell declared, raising her hands in a sweeping gesture of diplomatic accord. The motion was quite exaggerated and overblown in person, but something that would play well to the bajillions of registered voters watching at home via videofeed across countless exoplanets galaxy-wide.
“We are here today to declare Gelbrax Dufrain the undisputed, verifiably, and scientifically proven greatest liar in the entire galaxy!”
A tremendous cheer erupted from the throngs in attendance at the presidium and Gelbrax rose to his feet to accept their adulation and receive the accompanying plaque which went along with this distinguished honor.
It was true. Gelbrax Dufrain was the pinnacle of professional liars.
There of course was some natural talent which Gelbrax had exhibited from a young age, but there had also been a single-minded determination and constant strenuous training, which went into making him the best.
Gelbrax was not only a skilled liar, but lived his life within a convoluted series of lies.
Lying was so ingrained in his personality, that it literally became his entire existence.
He had made a life out of lying. Money, home, friends – every part of his regular day-to-day was fueled through a constant stream of lies.
Of course Gelbrax was charming, that was a large part of what made his lies so successful.
He spoke with such confidence, alertness, and poise that he made the most ridiculous and ethereal concepts seem as plausible as a photograph in your hand.
Earlier in his career Gelbrax briefly contemplated getting into politics, or enrolling in the propaganda ministry but he had a passion to be the greatest, and politics was the realm of petty liars.
He didn’t lie for wealth or power, but rather for a love of the craft.
In many ways Gelbrax saw himself as an artist.
“Gelbrax Dufrain for your continued excellence in the realms of falsehood and misdirection, for your fundamental contributions to the science of lying, and for your unparalleled achievements with verbal and written perfidiousness I present to you the title of the Galaxies Greatest Liar and Honorary Perjurer Laureate of our Galactic Hegemony!”
ISV Zorbell held up the highly filigreed plaque, accentuating its golden accents showing off the prestigious award for the audience and those viewing across the cosmos.
Gelbrax reached out to accept the award but was startled when he heard a guttural shout issuing from the bottom of the stairwell.
“This will be your end!” A voice cried out. “This means war!”
It was an ambassador from the planet of Rellowdol who Gelbrax had seen waiting in the wings.
Gelbrax was initially annoyed by this rude interruption.
The Rellowdolian delegation was scheduled next on the docket, they had some peace treaty or something like that to present. Gelbrax didn’t really know, he hadn’t been paying attention, plus he’d been late and missed most of the introductions in the green room.
But whatever the alien ambassador was here for now could certainly wait another hour until after Gelbrax had wrapped up his acceptance speech!
As this thought occurred to Gelbrax Dufrain he noticed that the Rellowdol ambassador was holding some sort of strange object in his tentacled grasp. It appeared to be some sort of rectangular object with various spikes and buttons across it.
The ambassador seemed to be brandishing it like a weapon.
Instinctively Gelbrax shied away from the angry Rellowdolian as they stormed up the stairs heading directly toward the Intergalactic Sovereign Vizier.
Before he could even register what was happening Gelbrax watched as the Rellowdolian Ambassador struck the galactic leader with the weapon.
Almost instantly the Intergalactic Sovereign Vizier exploded right where she stood and just as instantly Gelbrax was covered in a hot slick gore which had previously been the Intergalactic Sovereign Vizier.
Before Gelbrax could even flinch the Rellowdolian Ambassador similarly exploded adding a layer of blue gore overtop the gore of the recently exploded ISV.
Gelbrax now stood alone atop the grandstand, covered in blood and entrails, staring in shock at the horrific scene around him.
Those in attendance at the Presidium were screaming in enraged hysterics! It was unlike anything Gelbrax had ever heard before.
But that uproar within the capital was nothing compared to the cacophonous sounds of all out war which would soon come to dominate the life of Gelbrax Dufrain, along with almost everyone else in the galaxy.
The assassination of the Intergalactic Sovereign Vizier immediately lead to the largest and bloodiest war the galaxy had ever seen.
Politics, diplomacy, and governmental infrastructure completely deteriorated over the first decade of the war.
Twenty years later, terrorist cells dominated entire star systems. War lords ruled pirated fleets which enslaved most of the civilian populations. Commerce and manufacturing were non-existent.
Sixty years later the galaxy was completely unrecognizable. Entire civilizations had been wiped out either from warfare, disease, or intergalactic ennui.
---
Unsurprisingly Gelbrax Dufrain had managed to survive this cosmic apocalypse which had gutted the rest of the universe around him.
Gelbrax was now aged and scarred.
The years had been hard but his skills had seen him through the worst of it.
His lies had gotten him in and out of more trouble than he could remember. The world of mistruths he lived within had become so all-encompassing and engrained that it had become a delusion, a psychosis, and a major point of pride.
So many of these self proclaimed post-apocalyptic warriors were making their way with combat skills, wilderness survival knowledge, or intimidation mixed with ruthlessness.
But nobody could survive the collapse of society like Gelbrax Dufrain - through sheer force of lying.
As these thoughts occurred to Gelbrax he found himself picking through the rubble of a partially collapsed building. He was however halted in his tracks by the sound of a nearby explosion (a fairly common occurrence in those days) and a bright flash of light. He also heard a strange noise which sounded something like the crackling of electricity.
The flash had temporarily blinded him and his pulse quickened, internally he readied a series of potential lies he could put to use to escape whatever danger this might be.
When his sight returned he saw an odd scene.
There was now some sort of large mechanical device sitting in the field, near the partially collapsed building. It certainly had not been there just a few moments ago. It was fairly large and he wondered how something that size could have gotten here so quickly, it didn’t appear to be any type of vehicle he was familiar with.
The machine consisted of a series of pipes and buttons. It had small flashing lights and bright display screens which showed various series of numbers and equations.
In the center of the machine was a narrow looking hatch with a small frosted porthole.
To his surprise the hatch sprung open and Gelbrax saw the machine had a cozy little interior which consisted of a swiveling chair surrounded by more display screens.
Even more surprising was the fact that someone was sitting in the chair.
With a quick motion the occupant spun around in the chair and pointed a plump finger directly at him.
“Are you Gelbrax Dufrain!?” The person blurted out quickly.
“No.” Gelbrax lied.
“Ah, yes. Of course you are!” The person insisted. “There’s not a chance that my calculations were incorrect.”
Without hesitation the new arrival squeezed their way out of the compartment within the machine and walked toward Gelbrax.
They were dressed in what appeared to be a white lab coat and wore thick goggles pulled down over their eyes. Their hands were sheathed in some sort of technological gloves and their clothes were adorned with various other devices which they’d tucked within their pockets or clipped to their lapels.
“I’m Professor Merryweather Hathgrow and I need your help to reverse the horrific chain of events which have transformed our entire Galactic Hegemony to this irreversible nightmare!”
Gelbrax opened his mouth to respond but Professor Hathgrow raised a hand to silence him.
“Tut tut!” The Professor chided him. “I dare not even allow you to speak and suck me into any of your various well-crafted lies. That has already happened to me once and nearly terminated our chances of returning to a normal life!”
The professor turned and gestured toward the machine.
“Let me simply state, that this is a time machine of my own design.” The professor explained. “I require your assistance to undo the assassination of Intergalactic Sovereign Vizier Zorbell and prevent the genesis of this disastrous timeline.”
The name of Zorbell and that incident seemed like a lifetime ago but Gelbrax didn’t understand what he could do now to undo any of it.
“No, no again I must insist that you do not speak!” The professor reiterated. “As I’m sure you remember the ISV was assassinated with a unique Rellowdolian weapon which was subsequently destroyed when the ambassador took their own life.”
Gelbrax silently acknowledged.
“Well it seems that you were the only being in the galaxy who actually got a good look at the device. And the only person who could perhaps go back in time and neutralize the device and, most importantly, do so without violence! We can’t risk disrupting the normal series of events of the timeline.
The Rellowdolian peace treaty must be carried out as planned! We need you to use your subtle and skillful lying abilities to locate and remove the weapon before it can be used in the assassination.”
The Professor paused for emphasis, looking Gelbrax directly in the eyes.
“Can you do it?” They asked. “Gelbrax, can you help save the galaxy from a slow and sorrowful decay into obscurity?”
Gelbrax pondered it for a moment then shrugged.
A shrug being the best possible response he could manage, being as neutral as possible to avoid lying.
“Ha ha! Perfect!” The professor chortled. “That’s what I was hoping for.”
The professor hurriedly shoved Gelbrax into the time machine and closed the hatch. Remaining outside Professor Hathgrow tapped a few buttons on their impressive gloves and with a crackling flash the machine, and Gelbrax, were gone.
---
After arriving in the past Gelbrax went straight to work.
First things first, he talked his way into some fresh, non-apocalyptic clothing. A finely pressed energon suit with kyber detailing and a mélange ascot. It took some time to find the right fit, but appearances were important.
Dressed for the occasion Gelbrax quickly made his way to the presidium, only slightly behind schedule.
A guard at the door halted him, requesting his authorization.
Shifting his weight just right, Gelbrax perfectly gave off the air of annoyance and authority.
Then tilting his head, he arched one eyebrow with such precision that when he spoke his words met absolutely no resistance.
“Are you kidding me son?” Gelbrax spoke down to the guard. “I am the Minister of Defense. I sign your checks sergeant!”
The guard quickly straightened, standing at attention.
“Yes sir! Of course sir! My apologies sir!” The guard replied, opening the door for Gelbrax. “Please right this way sir!”
As the guard admitted Gelbrax through, he quietly hoped that this didn’t mean he was getting a demotion because he was, after all, a lieutenant.
Once inside Gelbrax made his way to the Presidium’s green room, just outside the hover staircase and grandstand beyond.
He arrived just in time to see his younger past-self exiting the room to ascend the stairs.
Gelbrax scanned crowd of bureaucrats and functionaries within, quickly spotting the Rellowdolian Ambassador standing by a small bar.
He casually sidled up beside the alien ambassador.
“I’ll take a Starport drip.” Gelbrax told the android behind the bar.
“What is that?” The android asked confused.
Gelbrax quickly waved away the question.
“Just give me whatever you have there.” He insisted in a hushed tone.
Taking his drink Gelbrax stepped up beside the Rellowdolian.
Casually he looked over the alien, searching for the weapon which would soon be used to kill the IVS.
There it was! He saw it, the weird boxy, spikey, buttoney thing!
It was clipped to the ambassador’s uniform near what Gelbrax assumed was it’s shoulder.
Slowly he reached out toward the ambassador, hoping to snatch up the weapon before dashing away victoriously.
Just then the ambassador took a swig of his own drink and the motion created a flurry of tentacles which enveloped the weapon, hiding it from Gelbrax’s sight.
The ambassador turned then and upon spotting Gelbrax, grabbed hold of his extended hand with a trio of tentacles and shook it vigorously.
“Ah a pleasure to meet you!” The Rellowdolian said quickly. “I’m Stewart! And did I overhear that you are the Minister of Defense!?”
“Um, yes. That is correct, that is exactly who I am.” Gelbrax replied with a sudden smile and vigorous handshake of his own.
“Well perhaps you can give me some inside information about your illustrious leader’s intentions for me and my people!” The ambassador joked. “Or at the very least perhaps you can give me some tips to ensure success for our treaty!”
“Oh, you know, just be yourself!” Gelbrax shrugged. “That’s what I always say!”
Shifting his gaze, Gelbrax pointed at the weapon on the alien’s uniform.
“Oh, now what is that you have there?” He asked coyly, quickly changing the subject.
“You have a sharp eye Minister!” The ambassador smiled. “This is an exceedingly rare and ancient artifact of my people, a one of a kind weapon from our oldest days.”
“Oh a w-weapon you say?” Gelbrax continued nervously.
“Oh yes, but a weapon intended to prevent violence rather than encourage it. You see the planet Rellowdol saw much violence in our ancient past, but it brought nothing but suffering.
So our ancient artisans created weapons which would not only vaporize an enemy but would vaporize the user of the weapon as well. The intention was to ensure that any such violence was absolutely crucial, for in its committing the individual perpetrating such violence would not benefit from it.”
“Sure, sure. How quaint.” Gelbrax remarked. “But security allowed you to bring that thing in here?” Gelbrax asked.
“Of course, it is a great sign of respect and an honor to be worn on the uniform for such an important occasion such as this treaty!”
Gelbrax nodded slowly, eyeing the weapon as he contemplated his next move.
“And speaking of such things, I do so wish we could get on with this treaty!” The Rellowdolian ambassador stated. “We have much to discuss and much to share. Unfortunately we must be delayed by the giving of awards to some intergalactic idiot!”
Gelbrax was snapped out of his contemplations by that statement.
“Idiot, sir? Why, whatever do you mean?” Gelbrax asked, doing his best not to let any offense show.
“Oh yes, an idiot to be sure.” The ambassador repeated. “I understand that the Galactic Hegemony celebrates all manner of achievements, but the galaxies best liar? I do not agree.” The ambassador said flatly. “On Rellowdol con artists and deceivers are not figures of adoration.”
Gelbrax clenched his jaw tightly and chuckled stiffly through his teeth.
“Well you see good sir” Gelbrax interjected. “As I understand it, Gelbrax Dufrain is not merely a con artist but a craftsman of artisanal lies. He has in fact perfected the craft of lying and finds himself living a lie which is so convincing that it ostensibly has become his reality.”
“Well that all sounds like a fancy way to say ‘idiot who doesn’t have a real job’ Glaha ha ha ha!” The Ambassador laughed loudly jabbing Gelbrax playfully with several of his tentacles.
“But now it looks like my turn has come at last!” The ambassador stated, finishing his drink. “The idiot has received his award and is almost done!”
Gelbrax stared blankly with a soured smile on his face, something that nearly resembled a snarl.
The mission he was here to complete was absent from his thoughts.
“Do you have any last words of advice for me Minister before meeting with your Sovereign Vizier?”
“Absolutely ambassador, I would make sure not to touch her with those slimy little tentacles of yours.” Gelbrax blurted out. “She has told me, in confidence, that tentacles such as those give her the creeps (her words, not mine) and the mere thought of having to see those things flail around in front of her was enough to make her nauseas!
So it would probably best to keep those wiggly little buggers clasped behind your back if you don’t want the leader of the free galaxy losing her lunch across your peace treaty.”
The entire green room was suddenly silent.
Gelbrax looked around confused, everyone was staring at him.
Perhaps that was slightly uncalled for. He thought to himself.
Unfortunately for Gelbrax he hadn’t arrived in time to receive the briefing about the Rellowdolian culture which had been presented for everyone in the room before the ambassadors arrival.
As it was, one majorly important topic of the briefing, and a point that was reiterated multiple times throughout the presentation, was to never, ever, ever, never (not even slightly), disparage or speak ill of the Rellowdolian species’ tentacles.
The appendages were not only a matter of pride for the people of Rellowdol but major aspects of their religious and sexual practices as well.
Across the room quiet gasps and murmurs could be heard from the onlookers.
The Rellowdolian ambassador was quivering with rage.
Wincing, Gelbrax once more remembered what exactly he was supposed to be doing and antagonizing the alien with the ancient weapon was not it.
Without warning the ambassador began flailing wildly, he pushed past Gelbrax, went out the door, and ascended the stairway beyond.
Slowly Gelbrax began walking in the opposite direction, toward the exit.
As he was leaving he heard chaos erupt behind him. He didn’t even bother to turn around, he already knew what had happened. He’d already lived it once.
“Well, I guess some things are just inevitable.” Gelbrax said to himself as he contemplated which supplies he should loot first.