#256 - Marriage Is Necessary Not (Originally Posted as Episode #123)
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
Release Date: 02/19/2024
#268 - LMFAO (Originally Posted as Episode #36)
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
We all know what this means, right? But in case you’ve been held hostage in a dental office waiting room for the past decade tortured with easy listening music and nine-month-old gossip magazines, it’s an acronym for Laughing My Fucking Ass Off. Which implies that someone is overcome with a howling expression of jubilation. And this reflex is so genuine that it goes beyond the ability to contain one’s composure. This is not a giggle, this is not a smirk, this is a response to something that is so inherently funny that it results in the physical release of happiness, expressed...
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#267 - Sometimes You Fart (Originally Posted as Episode #153)
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
It’s unfortunate, I know. No one is proud of this fact. Well, ok, there are some dudes who boast their ass exhales as an exclamation point to their manhood, but for the rest of us without some lingering infancy poop disorder, farts can be embarrassing. Especially when you do it and someone sneaks up without warning. Those moments are excruciating as you both adopt an acting role, pretending as if the smell doesn’t exist until the air eventually thins. You can only pray the episode gets forgotten. But it doesn’t always. Farts can brand an impression. Even accidental ones can...
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#266 - Karate Kids (Originally Posted as Episode #39)
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
I’ll tell you something, in about 10 years, you bullies better watch your asses. That’s because you do not want to mess with a dude who’s been well-trained in martial arts as a kid. And these days, it’s awfully popular with the youngins who aren’t too down with team sports. Some of them are nomads, riding solo, hanging in the shadows, maybe a little anti-social. As an adult outside the bar, they can appear to be easy prey. The prima donna skilled in the practice of intimidation may want to swallow a pill of caution when the Saturday Night Fever is brewing. He’s been at it since...
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#265 - Trigger Happy (Originally Posted as Episode #159)
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
It sure seems like everyone has a trigger or fifty these days. Not to say that people haven’t always been fragile, but now we have classified the proper terminology that pinpoints that moment where something clicks like a slipped disc in your mind and propels you down a rabbit hole of displeasure. Obviously, the term generates from the trigger of a gun, activating an emotional response that equates to a heightened reaction. The catalyst kind of hits you like a bullet, too, creating an abrupt shock to your mood. You may not be entirely aware that your reaction to the incident stems from...
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#264 - Smart Idiots (Originally Posted as Episode #152)
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
Most well-rounded people will agree that just because you can effectively navigate your way around a video game, a streaming service, or pretty much anything that has to do with sitting on your ass in front of a screen, it does not necessarily make you worldly. Like, just because you saw a movie scene set under the Eiffel Tower, it doesn’t mean you can escargot there in conversation. Get it? Whatever Becky. The world is full of analytical dweebs who can dissect algorithms, but while this ability of moving numbers can equate to more of them in your bank account, too much can result in a...
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#263 - You Are a Narcissist (Originally Posted as Episode #140)
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
People tell me this sometimes. But am I narcissistic, or just eager to be recognized? A little of both, methinks. Aren’t we all guilty of wanting attention at some level? I mean, at what point are you self-absorbed, or just looking to feel relevant in this glorious human experience of lightning strikes and rolling stones? Because, let’s be honest, every one of us, from an instinctual level, is looking out for numero uno as much as any other living organism. And some of you would argue that you always put your child before yourself, but if that’s really the best means for your DNA...
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#262 - Getting Turnt (Originally Posted as Ep 144)
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
Altering your reality by meddling with the synapses in your brain is one of the most common ways to entertainment yourself. Whether you’re poppin’ pills or pounding tequila poppers, bending the senses can bring about the most wonderful, kaleidoscopic effects. Or getting turnt. Which is the fun, turnt way of saying turned up. In the early aughts, Allen Greenspan coined the phrase “Irrational Exuberance”. He was the head of the Federal Reserve around the time of the Great Recession. Of course, he wasn’t referring to catching a buzz, but one cannot ignore the correlation that society...
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#261 - Sorry Alexa (Originally Posted as episode #142)
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
Amazon screwed the pooch. If your name is Alexa, that is. Because thanks to them, there’s now a glitch in the process of assigning identity to a newborn child, forcing us to rethink how we move forward with the official book of baby names. Now for the next couple generations or five, new mothers will shudder at the annoying thought of confusedly summoning the updated version of Hal from 2001: A Space Odyssey in their living room. I mean, they could have given any name under the spectrum for their Artificial Bitch, but they chose one that thousands of females already have, really fucking...
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#260 - Respect the Rat (Originally Posted as Episode #137)
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
If it weren’t for the bubonic plague, rats could easily be man’s best friend. And the rat-infested movie Willard didn’t help their reputation, either. You snicker, but what we’re talking about is pretty much just an oversized mouse, right? I mean, if you really put tangible reasoning to our fearful rationale, the rat has never done anything wrong. Like people, they’re hungry, crafty varmints who are scouring the planet in search of leftovers. The biggest difference between us and them is that we have thumbs and bigger melons, making it a helluva lot easier to find food. Without this...
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#259 - I'll Believe It When I See It (Originally Posted as Episode #131)
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
When you really put your mind to understanding the human psyche, you’ll see that it is easily manipulated. There’s no denying the obvious--that if you reinforce a concept to curious individuals with the right degree of conviction, you are sure to make an impression. In fact, they may even become thoroughly convinced that what you’re pitching is going to improve their lives eternally. No matter how severely absurd something may be due to the limitations of logic and physics, the facts will not be recognized once their mind is determined. They will buy into your influence unconditionally,...
info_outlineWho’s the marry prankster that decided it’d be a brilliant idea to indoctrinate children with the concept that a man and a woman cohabitating until death is paramount to living a fulfilled life? I understand that for our species to proliferate for the first 40,000 years this coupling was necessary, but now we have Baby Einstein and Uber Eats.
As children we were left to discover the disparity between masculinity and femininity and how love and sex is viewed through vastly different lenses. And these obvious dissimilarities have been experienced endlessly, however very few young adults address the obvious, blindly convinced that their love is the exception.
Yet, we have a 50 percent divorce rate in America.
I didn’t make that up.
As we know, physical chemistry can be irresistible, but is it imperative to lock the person down with a contract and a finger shackle to validate their love? That sounds like entrapment to me.
Listen, I’m on your side, people, but someone’s got to be the bad guy and say something because you little princesses are force fed the fantastic narrative that a hero will battle his way to bend a knee at your feet, completing you as a woman. And until that undeterred romantic appears with a bowed head, pretty much everything you do is in preparation for a life with this mystery dude. Then eventually, when you’ve kissed a ton of toads to no avail, you finally settle for Mr. Right Now.
Isn’t the idea of a “soul mate” an oxymoron anyway?
Sure, marriage sounds like a great idea when there’s a honeymoon to look forward to, but when reality strikes, not everyone is prepared for the repetition.
All men and women are not created equal.
And neither is all bud.
They didn’t tell us that, either.