#258 - I Share That Sediment (Originally Posted as Episode #136)
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
Release Date: 03/05/2024
#268 - LMFAO (Originally Posted as Episode #36)
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
We all know what this means, right? But in case you’ve been held hostage in a dental office waiting room for the past decade tortured with easy listening music and nine-month-old gossip magazines, it’s an acronym for Laughing My Fucking Ass Off. Which implies that someone is overcome with a howling expression of jubilation. And this reflex is so genuine that it goes beyond the ability to contain one’s composure. This is not a giggle, this is not a smirk, this is a response to something that is so inherently funny that it results in the physical release of happiness, expressed...
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#267 - Sometimes You Fart (Originally Posted as Episode #153)
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
It’s unfortunate, I know. No one is proud of this fact. Well, ok, there are some dudes who boast their ass exhales as an exclamation point to their manhood, but for the rest of us without some lingering infancy poop disorder, farts can be embarrassing. Especially when you do it and someone sneaks up without warning. Those moments are excruciating as you both adopt an acting role, pretending as if the smell doesn’t exist until the air eventually thins. You can only pray the episode gets forgotten. But it doesn’t always. Farts can brand an impression. Even accidental ones can...
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#266 - Karate Kids (Originally Posted as Episode #39)
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
I’ll tell you something, in about 10 years, you bullies better watch your asses. That’s because you do not want to mess with a dude who’s been well-trained in martial arts as a kid. And these days, it’s awfully popular with the youngins who aren’t too down with team sports. Some of them are nomads, riding solo, hanging in the shadows, maybe a little anti-social. As an adult outside the bar, they can appear to be easy prey. The prima donna skilled in the practice of intimidation may want to swallow a pill of caution when the Saturday Night Fever is brewing. He’s been at it since...
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#265 - Trigger Happy (Originally Posted as Episode #159)
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
It sure seems like everyone has a trigger or fifty these days. Not to say that people haven’t always been fragile, but now we have classified the proper terminology that pinpoints that moment where something clicks like a slipped disc in your mind and propels you down a rabbit hole of displeasure. Obviously, the term generates from the trigger of a gun, activating an emotional response that equates to a heightened reaction. The catalyst kind of hits you like a bullet, too, creating an abrupt shock to your mood. You may not be entirely aware that your reaction to the incident stems from...
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#264 - Smart Idiots (Originally Posted as Episode #152)
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
Most well-rounded people will agree that just because you can effectively navigate your way around a video game, a streaming service, or pretty much anything that has to do with sitting on your ass in front of a screen, it does not necessarily make you worldly. Like, just because you saw a movie scene set under the Eiffel Tower, it doesn’t mean you can escargot there in conversation. Get it? Whatever Becky. The world is full of analytical dweebs who can dissect algorithms, but while this ability of moving numbers can equate to more of them in your bank account, too much can result in a...
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#263 - You Are a Narcissist (Originally Posted as Episode #140)
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
People tell me this sometimes. But am I narcissistic, or just eager to be recognized? A little of both, methinks. Aren’t we all guilty of wanting attention at some level? I mean, at what point are you self-absorbed, or just looking to feel relevant in this glorious human experience of lightning strikes and rolling stones? Because, let’s be honest, every one of us, from an instinctual level, is looking out for numero uno as much as any other living organism. And some of you would argue that you always put your child before yourself, but if that’s really the best means for your DNA...
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#262 - Getting Turnt (Originally Posted as Ep 144)
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
Altering your reality by meddling with the synapses in your brain is one of the most common ways to entertainment yourself. Whether you’re poppin’ pills or pounding tequila poppers, bending the senses can bring about the most wonderful, kaleidoscopic effects. Or getting turnt. Which is the fun, turnt way of saying turned up. In the early aughts, Allen Greenspan coined the phrase “Irrational Exuberance”. He was the head of the Federal Reserve around the time of the Great Recession. Of course, he wasn’t referring to catching a buzz, but one cannot ignore the correlation that society...
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#261 - Sorry Alexa (Originally Posted as episode #142)
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
Amazon screwed the pooch. If your name is Alexa, that is. Because thanks to them, there’s now a glitch in the process of assigning identity to a newborn child, forcing us to rethink how we move forward with the official book of baby names. Now for the next couple generations or five, new mothers will shudder at the annoying thought of confusedly summoning the updated version of Hal from 2001: A Space Odyssey in their living room. I mean, they could have given any name under the spectrum for their Artificial Bitch, but they chose one that thousands of females already have, really fucking...
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#260 - Respect the Rat (Originally Posted as Episode #137)
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
If it weren’t for the bubonic plague, rats could easily be man’s best friend. And the rat-infested movie Willard didn’t help their reputation, either. You snicker, but what we’re talking about is pretty much just an oversized mouse, right? I mean, if you really put tangible reasoning to our fearful rationale, the rat has never done anything wrong. Like people, they’re hungry, crafty varmints who are scouring the planet in search of leftovers. The biggest difference between us and them is that we have thumbs and bigger melons, making it a helluva lot easier to find food. Without this...
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#259 - I'll Believe It When I See It (Originally Posted as Episode #131)
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
When you really put your mind to understanding the human psyche, you’ll see that it is easily manipulated. There’s no denying the obvious--that if you reinforce a concept to curious individuals with the right degree of conviction, you are sure to make an impression. In fact, they may even become thoroughly convinced that what you’re pitching is going to improve their lives eternally. No matter how severely absurd something may be due to the limitations of logic and physics, the facts will not be recognized once their mind is determined. They will buy into your influence unconditionally,...
info_outlineWe all know the 10-second rule. When you drop a piece of food, if you pick it up within ten seconds you have beaten the decomposition clock, essentially rescuing the item from the armies of crazed little germs that lie in waiting for food fumbles. In your mind’s eye, these microscopic creatures are blood thirsty vampires, lurching, smothering it with toxic juices and dripping fangs, rendering your Funyun a potential risk to your body’s wellness.
Your taste buds, however, may not excuse your blunder. There is not a moment to waste for the fast action determination that will either land that flavor into your mouth, or sadly litter the ground with another dead soldier. This is a decision factored on the intensity of your saliva, painfully anticipating the explosive zest while the impatient clock races to the point of no return.
You grow weary of your surroundings, weighing the risks of irreparable illness, or judgement from any onlooker within eyeshot. Do you forego the hazards and redeem the gaffe, or exponentially enhance the chance that a frenzy of multiplying bacteria could foster an unpronounceable condition?
Tick, tick, tick. You’re down to 007.
You stare upon it, frazzled by the dilemma. This is an exceptional onion flavored ring, and you are not one to waste tasty salt. The forehead begins to bead. Slow motion ensues. There is a finite number of Funyuns in existence and this one is yours. You put the fun in Funyun. You reach down and pinch the item with two fingers, brush any dirt across your jeans, inspect it momentarily, then hammer into the crunchiness with a shear jaw clamp. You chew and finish. You do not lick your fingers this time but wipe the hand on your jeans and go about your extremely busy day.
In this unpredictable world where the strong survive, acquiring good food comes with challenges, and you are not one to be wasteful. Besides, those little critters are pure protein. Kind of like a ladybug on a blooming nug of weed.
Not that you would ever eat one. Unless of course it came after your Funyun.