#295 - Pinky Swears Are Binding
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
Yes, pinky swears are a lighthearted agreement rarely enforced, but we all know that there exists a code with the intention of not being broken. Because in this sue happy world of painful litigation, if we don’t respect the sanctimony of a real deal, then why agree to it in the first place? Locking pinkies is a silly way to execute blood brotherhood without the pricks. And I’m not referring to the kind of pricks who drive BMWs, but the kind you make on your finger by poking it with a needle to draw a drop of blood. I’ve seen blood bonding in movies where two warriors will cement an...
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#294 - The Shit We Do When We're Drunk
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
Make bad decisions. End of story. Well, there’s more actually. See, we all know that It’s difficult to think clearly when gazing through the glowing lens of beer goggles. Because when everything in your periphery is enhanced by fuzzy Glamour Shot lighting, the miscalculation alarm can be severely compromised when your weaker senses are enticed. Suddenly, casting caution to the wind makes perfect sense, and you are down because you’ve just unlocked the jailed trap star who runs the city. That antisocial video gamer who clocked in this morning with a Best Buy name tag just got run over...
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#293 - Getting Socks as a Gift
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
There’s not a damn thing wrong with socks. Hell, life without them just wouldn’t be as cozy. In fact, I can’t say that there’s a more soothing sensation than pulling up a brand spankin’ new pair of cotton fluffiness over the feet. It’s a reward for those soldiers, a way of thanking them for taking a pounding and being the trusted vehicles that get you from point P to point Q. Did you know that your feet are among the heaviest producers of sweat in the body, and socks are there to soak all that up and prevent the scent of cheese from settling into your shoe? I know what...
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#292 - Flattery Will Get You Everywhere
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
Everyone loves being told they are wonderful. That simple sound of adulation flowing off another person’s tongue can have the most pleasing chemical rush on the brain, pushing the dopamine swiftly to the receptors, instantly unlocking any tension while lifting the corners of the mouth towards the stars, loosening the jaw, and warming the refrigerated heart. Even the prickliest of Ebeneezers loves to hear how wonderful he is, though you know he’s likely to shrug off the compliment as a waste of air if not ventured for profit. Because somewhere in that hardened soul, there lies the need for...
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#291 - Let's Taco Bout It
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
Who doesn’t love tacos? I mean, this juggernaut of Mexican culture easily rivals the hamburger when competing for most delectable item in the food pyramid. And whether you like your fillings grilled, deep fried, or sauteed, there is only herding the ingredients into a tortilla and wrapping that baby up to convert your hand into a flavor shovel of extreme awesomeness! Think about it. Tuesday would be Bluesday if not for the amazing taco. And not just because the two are alphabetically compatible, but because tacos are so damn cheerful, they turn an ordinary meal into a downright fiesta. And...
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#290 - Wookies
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
The brain needs oxygen so the body yawns. And upon rising from the pillow one overcast morn, there was a gurgled effect and a peculiar pitch out of the mouth that seeded my core with suspicion. Oddly, it resembled an anxious Chewbacca sending a ‘let’s get the fuck outta here’ to his not so trusted friend Han Solo who invariably induces motion sickness from the erratic movement of dodging asteroids to the smell of burnt Wookie dingleberries from laser beam near misses. I panicked. Had some strange transformation occurred whilst asleep? There was no extraneous fur growing on my body, no...
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#289 - Problem Solving is Easy
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
I’ve got a secret for anyone paying attention. So long as you’re alive, you’re always going to be dealing with complications on some level. Yes, sometimes more than others, but there is no avoiding the hard cold fact that there will never be a day when you don’t have to generate a solution of some sort. It’s true. You’ll never be challenge free at any point in your life. And as you resolve things, there will inevitably be fresh obstacles to overcome. That’s actually not a secret at all. Finding weed used to be a big problem. Like, there were times when we stoners were willing...
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#288 - Father Time Is Undefeated
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
No matter how well you take care of your body, gravity will eventually pull you back to earth to be reclaimed by the soil. And although very smart people on this planet have developed stunning scientific methods to prolong the everlasting blink, when your train is whistling into the station, you’ll need to politely disembark to clear space for new passengers. This is the end of the line--no pill, no surgery--no more birthdays. But you can’t be mad. Being atop the food chain doesn’t mean you live forever, just that you live well longer. In fact, you’ll most likely dwell here about five...
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#287 - Boogers Are Influential
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
The finger reaches into the hole. And why not? Although this appendage often sits idle, like an old motor, it is a tool best maintained with regular use. And as the subconscious wanders into aimless thought while tediously inching through rush hour traffic, the instinct directs the fingernail toward an accessible area of the anatomy in need of grooming. Sure, this exercise serves some low-level maintenance to the nostril, but at the same time there is an element of achievement in withdrawing that coagulation of dirt and snot from the inverted cavern as if excavating something valuable. Like...
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#286 - Urine Love
Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
Discussing urine sounds disgusting. Afterall, what we’re referring to is liquid waste that is excreted from your body. And it’s generally yellow. If you’ve taken your vitamins, that is. But when you really break it down, it’s just water that regulated your system so that it functions optimally. And the facts are that urine is about 95 percent clean. So clean that some people drink it. And are proud of it. Let’s not get into why, but the question must be asked--what is this fascination with reclaiming the holy water that once flushed your machine? Like, once you’ve drained the oil...
info_outlineI’m going to be the voice of reason right now by telling you that you gotta get your cardio in. That’s just how it is. You see, the reason we have bodies at all is because gravity pulls matter toward the earth and your muscles have developed into what they are today because of that resistance which forces you to battle against that incessant tug.
Honor your space suit.
You are consciousness in this rare form for an allotted time and then it’s over. On to another manifestation of energy. So, get it while you can. No one’s ever come back from the dead last time I checked. Once it’s over it’s over. Done. Goner. Adios amigo.
Stardust, Baby.
Bottom line is to keep moving or the inertia will creep on you like a good Girl Scout Cookie. Not the cookie that helps teach young girls to hustle, but the strain that makes you want the cookie. Because if you refuse or are not capable of making rapid movement to the point of increased breathing, these parts will rust and decay. In time, the energy of your atoms will slowly meld into another form, which is cool and all, but that form will not be the amazing you. And we want the amazing you. You want the amazing you.
Use it or lose it, Champ.
That is unless you like the movie Wall-e so fucking much that your ideal life is to be rollin’ in a motorized Lazy Boy drinking smoothies all day in a star sailing metropoliship. I mean, that looked pretty chill for a minute, but ultimately, we want challenges that test our mental and physical fortitude, leading to improved self-actualization.
So, that little devil sitting on your shoulder who tells you to finish that tub of ice cream when you know you should be getting in your steps? Tell him to quit smoking all your weed because it leads to the munchies.
It’s entirely his fault.
That little fucker.