255 - Galaxis
Your Stupid Minds
Your Stupid Minds sifts through some of Chris's $4 DVD acquisitions from Half Price Books and these things called "video stores" where our ancient ancestors used to purchase their entertainment wares. We start with the 1995 sci-fi direct-to-video low budget epic Galaxis (or Terminal Force), which some critic (we'll never know who) described as "Star Wars meets The Terminator." Starring Brigitte Nielsen, Richard Moll, Fred Asparagus (lol), Alan Fudge (lol), Sam Raimi for some reason, and professional Diablo III gold farmer Arthur Mesa. In a far off space battle that is in no way like the...
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254 - Hidden Strike
Your Stupid Minds
What do you get when you combine Jackie Chan, John Cena, Euron Greyjoy, six Chinese production companies, AND the 2013 winner of the China division championship of the Miss Bikini of the Universe pageant? Why 2023's Hidden Strike, of course! Dragon Luo (Chan) is the legendary leader of a private security company tasked with rescuing the kidnapped Chinese workers of an oil refinery in Iraq. For whatever reason his estranged daughter Luo Mei (Ma Chunrui) is also there, but she hates him because, like Gunner, he was busy being cool in some far off conflict zone instead of bonding with her after...
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253 - Kraven the Hunter
Your Stupid Minds
We finally did it! After months of promises we finally got around to covering the (probably) last of Sony's Spider-Man-less Spider-Man movies. It's 2024's Kraven the Hunter, starring Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Ariana DeBose, and Russell Crowe. After a cold open action sequence in a Russian prison that serves as Aaron Taylor-Johnson's sizzle reel for his Bond audition, we are transported to the distant past of probably around 2012. Sergei (Taylor-Johnson) and Dmitri (Fred Hechinger, the Tim Robinson-looking fellow who played Caracalla in Gladiator II) Kravinoff are taken out of boarding school by...
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252 - The Return of Swamp Thing
Your Stupid Minds
Tubi? Jim Wynorski? Comic book movie? Sometimes I think we parody ourselves. Your Stupid Minds comes to you this time around with 1989's The Return of Swamp Thing, starring Heather Locklear, Louis Jourdan and Wynorski muse Monique Gabrielle. Picking up after the events of the last movie, as best we can surmise Swamp Thing killed Dr. Anton Arcane (Jourdan) but it didn't take, since he specializes in Ra's al Ghul style immortality practices. So Swamp Thing, a.k.a. Alec Holland, wanders around the Louisiana bayou campily beating up monsters and cajun caricatures. It vaguely resembles Alan Moore's...
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251 - Belly of the Beast
Your Stupid Minds
One night in Bangkok makes a soft man mumble! Your Stupid Minds heads to Thailand and returns to the Steven Seagal well with one of his transitional films from theatrical to direct-to-video. It's 2003's Belly of the Beast! Jake Hopper (Seagal) is an ex-CIA agent whose daughter Jessica (Sara Malakul Lane) is kidnapped by... some group in Thailand. They also, coincidentally, kidnap her friend Sara (Elidh MacQueen), who happens to be the daughter of a United States Senator which sparks a covert international incident. Hopper tells his dead wife goodbye and immediately plods off to Southeast Asia...
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250 - Future Kick
Your Stupid Minds
Your Stupid Mind searches through the depths of Tubi to find a Roger Corman low budget direct to video dystopian cyborg film. It's 1991's Future Kick, starring Meg Foster, Chris Penn, and Don 'The Dragon' Wilson. It's the far-off future of 2025. Earth is ravaged by environmental disaster. Los Angeles is in ruins. Governments have collapsed and been replaced by mega-corporations. So absolutely nothing like our present. Howard (Jeff Pomerantz) is a rich guy who lives on the moon who creates interactive virtual reality stories. His wife Nancy (Foster) tries one out before his trip down to earth....
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249 - Inferno
Your Stupid Minds
Your Stupid Minds returns with loads of airport novel chills and spills in the third (and almost certainly final) entry in the Dan Brown Cinematic Universe (DBCU): 2016’s Inferno. Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks) wakes up in a hospital in Florence with amnesia. He must, with the assistance of a suspiciously helpful British doctor Sienna (Felicity Jones), piece together the last few days and figure out why people are shooting at him. It turns out evil billionaire Bertrand Zobrist (Ben Foster) has created a virus to wipe out half of the earth’s population. Surely bringing the planet to 1975 levels...
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248 - Gunner
Your Stupid Minds
We’re a movin’ and a groovin’ into 2025 with a low budget direct-to-something action film starring Morgan Freeman and the third Hemsworth brother Luke. It’s 2024’s Gunner! Lee Gunner (Hemsworth) is a special forces veteran Medal of Honor recipient returning home from Afghanistan after four tours to his home town of Clinton in the state of The South. After stumbling upon a drug lab in the forest, his two sons Luke (Grant Feely) and Travis (Connor DeWolfe) are kidnapped by a gang led by Dobbs Ryker (Mykel Shannon Jenkins), son of imprisoned drug lord Kendrick (Freeman). Using his...
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247 - Country Hearts Christmas
Your Stupid Minds
Your Stupid Minds continues its tradition of low budget Christmas movies with wrestlers in them with Country Hearts Christmas, starring Chris Jericho and others. Tori (Lanie McAuley) and June (Katerina Maria) are sisters seeking to become country music stars in Nashville. This was most likely set up in the previous movie Country Hearts, but that doesn’t involve Christmas so who cares? The sisters catch a big break and get a spot on a popular Christmas Eve live television show, but there’s one massive problem. They need to go to church! The women hem and haw about having to be on TV on the...
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246 - Borderlands
Your Stupid Minds
Sure, we could have reviewed Eli Roth’s Thanksgiving the day after Thanksgiving. But we didn’t. We did another Eli Roth movie instead. It’s 2024’s Borderlands! Lilith (Cate Blanchett) is a bounty hunter hired to retrieve the daughter of a definitely not evil billionaire named Atlas (Edgar Ramirez). It turns out he’s evil and his daughter is a clone he made from the DNA of some dead alien civilization. He wants to use her as a key to unlock a vault full of floating cubes that he can use to make a lot of money. Evilly, I assume. Lillith teams up with a team of misfits, including...
info_outlineYour Stupid Minds comes at you with a movie recommended by Chris’s dad, the low budget UK adrenochrome-fueled revenge thriller I Am Rage (2023).
Erin (Hannaj Bang Bendz) is a young woman with PTSD who decides to go to the family estate of her new boyfriend Adam (Derek Nelson). His entire family is there, including Adam’s brother Michael (Luke Aquilina) and his new partner Sarah (Antonia Whillans). After a “dinner” of blood drinking, Erin and Sarah are drugged and blood is extracted from their adrenal glands, because this is apparently an ancestral adrenochrome farm where they kidnap people and draw their blood at their height of fear to extract the sweet sweet drug within.*
Erin quickly escapes using some sort of super power she has and goes on a rampage with Sarah by her side. Apparently, and this didn’t come up in her Bumble profile, Erin was trafficked as a child and held against her will for fifteen years. During that time she developed super adrenaline blood that allows her to roundhouse kick people and tear out their hearts with her bare hands.
They have a final showdown in a local paintball arena against the family and some rich big game hunter jerk WIlson (Niko Foster). Who will win? My money’s on the woman with super powers.
*Please note: Adrenochrome is a real thing but the conspiracy theories you may have heard about it are not. Hunter S. Thompson made a joke about it fifty years ago and now we’re all living with the consequences.