Hypotheticast
Three best buds. On a mission. To ask all the questions, and get ALL the answers.
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EP.180 — Finaltheticast Part Three: Ask All the Questions, and Get All the Answers
12/29/2021
EP.180 — Finaltheticast Part Three: Ask All the Questions, and Get All the Answers
Wow. This is it! The last one! You made it to the weird little farmhouse at the end of the driveway. You thought you might have taken a wrong turn, but no. That's us, waving, from the windows! You were on the right road all along. And what a road it's been. Thank you, sincerely, for your love, your feedback, your participation, your questions, your games, your laughter (we assume), your tears (we assume), and your support during this strange five-year thing that we decided to do and see if anybody liked. It's been an absolute treat, in the best possible way. As Ronald McDonald once said: I'm lovin' it. Topics for the Finaltheticast include: Bugs Need to Calm Down and Smile More, You Are Jason, Every Single Card I Get in the Mail Goes in There, Would You Try to Get Me, We Are All a Spider in God's Beard, Livin' La Vida Donka, Treat Me Like a Cow, and The Nightmare of Being a Human Sized Snail. *** Come say goodbye forever to us in the Or, search for us on if you'd like to start listening to from the beginning again, but on a different app. It'll be like a whole new journey! I bet we even sound better over there.
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EP.179 — Finaltheticast Part Two: What's That Brown Bear Doin'?
12/22/2021
EP.179 — Finaltheticast Part Two: What's That Brown Bear Doin'?
The Final Meat. Well, three mini-meats, actually. Which is great! David, Emily, and Mike all bring a meaty question of their own. Get ready to talk Pokemon, Moon Murder, and Endings. Topics include: Stumpkin, Here I Come Bologna, Paperoni, Squirtguns and Fortresses, Just as Fucked Up as Everything Else, Antarctic Crimes, Change Every Version of Beauty and the Beast, and A Bobbsey Twins Book With a Gun. *** Come say goodbye forever to us in our Or, search for us on if you think the whole reason anybody wants to go into space is to be the first person to murder someone else in space.
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EP.178 — Finaltheticast Part One: You Wanna Hold Him On Your Lap?
12/15/2021
EP.178 — Finaltheticast Part One: You Wanna Hold Him On Your Lap?
Welcome, welcome, welcome. Come in. Sit down in the first of three chairs we've prepared for you. This one is labeled "Would You Blank It," and while sitting in it, you'll witness the final round of this game we truly did invent All this time, we've been trying to reach the perfect equilibrium, and I'm pretty sure we finally did. Topics include: That Big Baby is Pooping Somewhere, Jort in Solidarity, A Medium Guy, Going Jesus or Going Moses, Burning Books is Fine, He Just Puts His Hands in Them, and Ramping Up Our Merch. *** Come say goodbye to us in our Or, search for us on if you understand why they went to a Post Office.
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EP.177 — They Probably Have a Nice Backpack
12/08/2021
EP.177 — They Probably Have a Nice Backpack
Red. Flags. It's the last time we get to create attractive, strange, or maybe downright repulsive people to date! Get in here and talk to us about dealbreakers. Is cookie breath even GOOD? Topics include: Radio Rental, Thinking About the Radisson Blue, Aggressively-Gendered Nannies, I Don't Love Children, Cassie with the Cookie Breath, They're Practically Free, A Rodeo Champion and a Rocket Scientist, Cure Cancer with Kisses, and That Ark Might Come in Handy. *** Come say goodbye to us, and other fans of the show (you'll never talk to them again!) in our Or, search for us on if you're pretty sure being a Rocket Champion is better than a Rodeo Scientist.
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EP.176 — A Little Bit of That Wet Salad
12/01/2021
EP.176 — A Little Bit of That Wet Salad
Would. I. Rather. This one's about US. Well, it's also about how well we know each other. Some of us wrote questions beforehand, some of us read some beautiful pre-generated questions mostly about rattlesnakes, and some of us made them up on the spot. But no matter the method, we all learned something about each other. And ourselves. Topics include: If You Wanna Shine You Can Shine Any Damn Day You Want, Houseboat Houseboat Hole, Four Skeletons, I've Grown Up a Little Bit, No Gods No Masters Only Daves, Let's Get Trapped in an Elevator, and I Want it to Be Just For My Personality. *** Remember, get your listener-submitted would-you-rathers for our FINALTHETICAST in by December 8th! Make 'em gooooood. Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you think that every podcast has a winner.
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EP.175 — Passengers Expected to See a Spicy Scene
11/24/2021
EP.175 — Passengers Expected to See a Spicy Scene
Oh, hi! It's the sixth-to-last episode of this wonderful, beautiful little son that we call a "podcast." What a thing. We're playing Dark Stories one last time, because we're just feelin' too dang optimistic about the world and we really gotta season it with some BUMMERS. Just kidding. There's a clown in this one. Topics include: The Hexapenultimate Episode, SMS Text Message, Did Something Enter His Body, I'm Sure It's Offensive, That Happens a Lot, Let's Make a Really Loud Fire, Oh My Car, and He Tested Me. *** Remember, get your listener-submitted would-you-rathers for our FINALTHETICAST in by December 8th! WE NEED 'EM. Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you think that you can make a really loud fire.
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EP.174 — All the Holes Necessary
11/17/2021
EP.174 — All the Holes Necessary
It's time for another FINAL ROUND of a BEAUTIFUL GAME. That's right, on this, our 7th-to-last-episode of the Hypotheticast, we're playing our final round of one of our favorite games: The Good, The Bad, and The Answer! Tune in as we imagine, and then critique each other's imagination! That's fun, right? Oh, yes. Topics include: Sandy Windyhouse, We Were Such Little Babies, Nobody Will Forget Emily Dussault, I Think From Now On You Should Scoop Your Own Litter Box, Theatre Goosts, Got a Little Chill; Better Shut the Fuck Up, Not Everything Can Be Crushed, Especially the Underwear, and Neon Brown. *** Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you think there's a pretty good chance you'd marry a human version of YOUR pet.
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EP.173 — Jimmy Carter is on Sewer Duty
11/10/2021
EP.173 — Jimmy Carter is on Sewer Duty
Oh my god, hi! I can't believe it's you! And you're positively glowing. You're just in time — we're playing a game called Fallout Shelter. It's that ol' apocalyptic mix-em-up with beings + powers + accessories that always brings a smile to the brain. Oh, and there's an important announcement in this episode, so listen. Listen to it! To this episode! Topics include: Make a Butt Listen to Our Podcast, Punish Me with Old Food, She's Single, Well That's What He Has, Time's Up On That, and Emily's Frat Guy Friends. *** Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you would have gone with Stinky Kim.
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EP.172 — I Get a Pickle Vibe from Meryl
11/03/2021
EP.172 — I Get a Pickle Vibe from Meryl
Food! Do you like? I like. Of all the things, Food is certainly one of them. And it's at least in my top five! I'm a real fan. Today, we're going to design some celebrity meals — inspired by the — but for celebrities and restaurants you . . . might not think to combine. Topics include: Strong and Hot, Christmas Freaks, I Like Quiznos, Can I Have the Olive Loaf?, They Shred the Pig in Front of You, We're Going to Give You Over to Dairy Queen, and When You're Here We're Your Family. *** Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you can think of a pickled thing you wouldn't put in a Quiznos Sandwich.
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EP.171 — For Halloween, I Would Like to See a Pumpkin
10/27/2021
EP.171 — For Halloween, I Would Like to See a Pumpkin
***CONTENT WARNING: one specific story about bug infestation and human decay.*** He's almost here! Old Mr. Skeletons himself, the self-proclaimed and Wal-Mart Sponsored "Santa of Halloween." It's not a good ad campaign, but it is technically an ad campaign. But really, the ween is close. So, gather round, and listen to us answer one HUNDRED spooky would-you-rathers. We did all one hundred. We did. Topics include: It's Too Close to Halloween to Use Phones, I Love Spooky, I Am Not Bringing the Spiders to Work, With the Power of Bugs Anything Can Happen, Oh My God a Duck is Here, Scare Package, Do You Want to Bleed Out of Your Whole Body or Get Killed by Me, and Scary Laugh. *** Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you knew that we could liquify.
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EP.170 — A Group of Bats That Used to Be Men
10/21/2021
EP.170 — A Group of Bats That Used to Be Men
It's still SO scary out there. But the two antidotes? Oh, you know. Podcasts and friendship. This one's got BOTH. Wait, there are three antidotes. The third one is kissing. And while we do not kiss on this episode, we DO discuss who we would WANT to kiss. And the Absolutely Certified Mega-Star Hope Nordquist joins us. It's too much. Topics include: Vampire Consent Culture, Terrifying Conversations with Tilda Swinton, Because of How You Just Said "Get Nasty With", All Turtle Guy, Sausage Man Knows What He Wants, Scary Stories to Date in the Dark, What Gravestone Have You Gotten To, and I Want the Fancy Witch. *** Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you aren't afraid to answer the cats / bats / rats question.
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EP.169 — What If It Was Chucky and Annabelle?
10/13/2021
EP.169 — What If It Was Chucky and Annabelle?
It's scarytimes, and there's so much to be scared of. How do you know what to look at, what to be around, what to listen to, in order to really maximize your fear? We're here to help you figure out what the absolute SCARIEST things are. We got this. Topics Include: Carol of the Hells, You Don't Want Your Child to Gut a Horse, Bats are Bad Sneakers, The Invisible Man from England, A Shark Named Jaws, and A Haunted Boatride. *** Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you still think horses are filled with candy.
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EP.168 — Slight Molecular Adjustments Make Red Bull Complete Poison
10/06/2021
EP.168 — Slight Molecular Adjustments Make Red Bull Complete Poison
BOO. Yeah, scary. It's that time. Lots of brands are capitalizing on Big Halloween this time of year, and some of them came to us. Weird, I know, but it's true. They asked us to help. So we did, because we're nice. Listen to the amazing ideas we have for making Halloween this year a true capitalist success. Topics include: Dearie is a No-Go, Halloween is the Fantasy Novel of Reality, Yes Horror, Wheel of Jeopardy, Cody's Peloton Prison, Skeloton, The Ghost is Cute Though, and When I Think About Gravel. *** Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you'd try Dead Bull.
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EP.167 — Crawl in People's Yards
09/29/2021
EP.167 — Crawl in People's Yards
It's Fall! Autumn! The Third One! Whatever you call it, trees have begun the big dump. But the only thing that's fallin' over here at the Hypotheticast is our ratings. Wait. Anyway, we're doing a couple Autumnal Buzzfeed Quizzes today! Tune in to learn about us, as we learn about ourselves. Topics include: Wood Paneling is Back, Too Soggy, Lumbersexual Snacks, Easy Bread, OatGurt, Movies Don't Have Feelings, We're Ready for H, Suckin' the Jelly, and Classic Ween. *** Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you'd order something simply called "sandwich."
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EP.166 — Birthday Party Ideas for Mikes Dot Com
09/22/2021
EP.166 — Birthday Party Ideas for Mikes Dot Com
Well, well, well. Our beloved Mike is becoming another year older. So he's brought some birthday-party-themed would-you-rathers for us to reaaaaaaally chew on. There's some existential stuff in here, travelers. Come on down. Topics include: Funfetti, John Steinbeck's The Gold, Ooze Into Your Cracks, Trick Take Me to the Emergency Room, You Have to Work for the Box, Hot Dog Factory, A Streamer as Big as You Want, Give Kids Hooks, and A "Died By" Date. *** Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you'd really like to meet some of those terrifying Full Human People that work at the Hot Dog Factory.
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EP.165 — Be the Vampire Bartender You Want to See in the World
09/15/2021
EP.165 — Be the Vampire Bartender You Want to See in the World
A lot of folks are quitting their jobs. Nobody wants to work for you anymore. But what jobs are we going to get? This week, we're discussing what it would be like if we changed careers, but in a fun way. Yeah. Fun. Topics include: The Circle, The Patch Adams Scale, Tiny Anthropomorphic Body Cells, Hoping Someone Will Write a Dark Story About Me Someday, Strike David From the Record, Sea World Sucks, I Would Sleep with Them Where They Are In Their Nest, Break Up With Your Cowboy *** Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you'd like to work at SeaWorld to "change the system from the inside."
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EP.164 — Call Me By Your No-Nos
09/08/2021
EP.164 — Call Me By Your No-Nos
Ahahaha. Wednesday. It's back again. And so are we! We're playing Red Flags, which is absolutely a game that you all should play, to know exactly where your boundaries are. We all learn something every dang time. Topics: What If I Was Really Aggressive, Until the Ground Beef Stops, Physical Comedy Can't Be Beat, Mr. Bean Lives in the Bean, Touch Me In My No-No, The Star Wars Kid, You Have Strong Suspicions that They're a Serial Killer, and Hot Log. *** Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you think that the funniest person in the world is probably more of a Dracula.
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EP.163 — He Lives in Space but He is Also in Charge of the Hand of Space
09/01/2021
EP.163 — He Lives in Space but He is Also in Charge of the Hand of Space
Oh, yes. It's time for a Romantic Dramedy. Mike and Emily take some randomly generated creatures and create some absolutely juicy shows / movies that will almost certain cause some sort of TV Network bidding war. Topics include: Extreme Fantasy Names, SOS I Need You to Come Here Now, I Should Be a TV Writer, Time Mouse is Terri Gross, King Spacefinder, She Kinda Rains Metal Lightning, and Dollar Tree is Your Friend. *** Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you'd like to hang out at a space bar with a couple gods.
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EP.162 — Short Gray Bob
08/25/2021
EP.162 — Short Gray Bob
Back to school! We're . . . doing it? It looks different, obviously, for many folks. But on THIS podcast, we're making it look very different. Mike and David are going back to school. And Emily's in control. It's a Would You Blank It. Topics include: The Ejection Lever, Duct Tape Your Wrists Together, You're Old School, God Answers Prayer, How Knobby Is Her Hand, Cover Your Necks, He's a Super Nice Guy, Elevated Cafeteria Pizza, and Big Indecent Guys Fail at Real Tests and the Real Tests Happen Here Where There are No Big Indecent Guys. *** Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you would eat any and all Fairy Food that you came across and enjoy your Big Joyful Spirited Away Pig Life.
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EP.161 — What's an Emotion You Might Feel at Night?
08/18/2021
EP.161 — What's an Emotion You Might Feel at Night?
We're makin' up some Dark Stories! That's right. And what's more, we're solving them, too. It's like when the detective in the movie is like "I also did the murder" and everyone's like "well it's not as impressive that you solved it then, is it?" and the detective is like "no not really, but what a twist, right?" It's a little like that. Topics include: Professor Beard, The Infinity Store, Exploding Chocolate Soccer Balls, Saw, I'm Not That Saw Guy, Big and Beefy and Buff, Mushy Grapes, The Rube Goldberg Killer, and Herbie: Fully Woke. *** Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you would legitimately watch a sequel to Herbie where a car just browsed Nextdoor and helped de-escalate people.
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EP.160 — Think of the Times You Pulled Together Instead of Apart
08/11/2021
EP.160 — Think of the Times You Pulled Together Instead of Apart
We. Love. Corporations. But you know what we love more than corporations? Marketing for corporations. So, we're playin' a little game called Adverteasing, which is . . . a real game, from a box. We're guessin' slogans, and doing some fairly wild speculation. You'll like it. Or, like, if you don't, that's fine, there's at least a couple other podcasts out there. Topics include: Ross Parrot, Sir Winds a Lot, Taco Techniques, Baby Ankle Weights, ChildSkin (TM), I'm a Business Lady, Teeth Wanna Chew, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire When You Win It, Relevant and Vitally Important Links: *** Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you also checked and the Tio Sancho Taco Shell commercial is definitely fake, which is honestly a huge bummer, and I really wish it wasn't, because wow the joy and shock I felt watching it for the first time believing in its wild awful glory, wow wow, what a thing.
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EP.159 — All Bats Are Beautiful
08/04/2021
EP.159 — All Bats Are Beautiful
Ingestion. Embarrassment. Pain. These are things that, apparently, Would-You-Rathers can be about. We're just drawin' some random ones out of a Zobmondo box and hittin' em up with our analysis. We're like, experts, maybe, sort of, in a way. Topics include: Whoopsie, When No News is Good News, Monicagate, Mel Gibson's Disease, Medicine Is a Mystery, GutscheGate, The Sewer Tsar, Naked Witch, Evil in His Eyes, and She's Kissed for Sure. *** Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you'd like to hear children come on our show live and ridicule us.
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EP.158 — Fossil Fuel Flosh Sticks
07/28/2021
EP.158 — Fossil Fuel Flosh Sticks
You've got problems, right? Yeah. Me too. But we all know the real problem in 2021: there isn't enough novelty food. We're here to change that. Topics Include: Put Me in an Outhouse, Kum and Go, Fossil Fuel, Kermit's Little Son Tiny Tim, The Floss is in the Fish Stick, Lucky Charms Represents the Duality of Faith and Reason, Lucky Snow, *** Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you think there's a Celebrity Frog we left out.
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EP.157 — Is He Naughty?
07/21/2021
EP.157 — Is He Naughty?
CW: mention of prison, death Oh hi! Dark Stories! They're here! They're mostly kooky and weird, but this week there's a dash of serious, which is . . . weirdly unexpected. What a ride! We're solvin' it all, baybee. Topics include: Which Ones Are the Dogs Days of Summer, He's a Strong Fish, A Donnie Darko Situation, I Was Immediately Disappointed, Take Notes Tanner, Their Mechanic-Man Relationship, What He's Seen, Big Fart, Inner Dark Stories, and Was It Her Mom? *** Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you'd like to hear some tales from the app Fart Stories.
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EP.156 — Blast a Little Toot
07/14/2021
EP.156 — Blast a Little Toot
You know all those burning questions you've had about David's husband? Like, who even is that guy? Let 'em burn. Because we're asking questions about Emily's husband today. The game is Would You Tanner. Or Would Tan Rather. Or something like that. But it's speculative, it's suspenseful, and their very marriage hangs in the balance. Topics include: These Richards and These Jeffreys, His Hair is a Favor to Us, He's Got a Big Big Job, Tanner's Big Trees, Carnival Sparker, I Love the Arts, The Audience is Familiar with My Hair Journey, I Hear Those Wedding Bells Un-ringing, and A Fine Enough Showman.
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EP.155 — Tubthumpin' by Bunkathunkicast
07/07/2021
EP.155 — Tubthumpin' by Bunkathunkicast
Would you guest-host it? Yeah, that's right. We're playin' it. Would You Blank It is back, and Raynee is also back. Come find out what she will and won't put up with as a guest-host of a fictional podcast. Turns out: she's tough. Topics include: Large Things, Linty Shrimps, I'm Not a Mean Person, Don't Look Steven in the Eye, Rate These Boobs, Junk in the Bunk, Betsyross Galaxy, and All the People You Love and Know and Work With. *** Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you'd also like to hear us make a show about junk that people find in underground bunkers.
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EP.154 — Remember When People Used to Use Corncobs?
06/30/2021
EP.154 — Remember When People Used to Use Corncobs?
Raynee's BACK. And she's brought with her some Do, Dump, Dates and some would-you-rathers. What. Are you kidding me. Too good. Too creative. Get her outta here. Topics include: Is it the Goblin, Hand or Mouth Stuff, Spit Rum and Crush Melons, The Gooey Core, Chain Me Up in a Shed, and I Am a Quivering Small Dog. *** Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you're also wondering what happens after the water part when you're just . . . wet.
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EP.153 — I'm Worth It, Gimmie a Lemon
06/23/2021
EP.153 — I'm Worth It, Gimmie a Lemon
Ah, you. Good ol' you. Here again, to see me. Me! The lowly Hypotheticast. What a privilege. What an honor. Let me take your hat, and your coat. These look expensive. My, my. We've got a guest today, by the way! Her name is Raynee! She's the Would You Rather Madness Champion, and truly shines in her role. She's taking over the podcast! Forever! It's just her now! That's it! Topics include: Old Fashioned Would-You-Rathers, The Old Emily, Nothing Exists Until It Has a Name or a Flag, Pete Beveges, Can My Toe Taste My Shoe, Champ Stamp, Four Loko is Confusing, Punchy the Island Guy, and If You Be The Judge. *** Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you think Raynee seriously did a phenomenal job and you just want to listen to her again.
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EP.152 — Lots of Torso and Boy Bands
06/16/2021
EP.152 — Lots of Torso and Boy Bands
Do. Dump. Date. The only three ways. Help us choose. Topics include: Raid the Money Bins, Long and Sour, Seinfeld's Pretty Funny Right, Shoot the Shit with Tonya Harding, Don't Britney Her, Disco Duck, The Olympics You're In Danger, They're Runnin' Fast and Swim, and He Who Stanked It Hoobed It. *** Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you can think of a more shockingly regular band name than Train.
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EP.151 — The Little Pepperoni That Your Mom Says You Shouldn't Eat
06/09/2021
EP.151 — The Little Pepperoni That Your Mom Says You Shouldn't Eat
This week is really simple: what if we were ? We've got a lot of ideas. Come along with us, and hear them. Or just like, play the podcast, but take out your headphones, go on a walk, and imagine what we might have said. That's the true Hypotheticast. Topics include: Orcs Get it, Leanin' Veeg, If It Helps Your Fantasy, Their Snout is So Shapely, The Trash Dimension, Cool Shoes, The Crayon Just Makes What You Deserve, and Jeff Fucksworthy. *** Come chat with us, and other rad fans of the show, in our Or, search for us on if you'd jump in that Shakopee Hole.
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