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Episode 43: Why Beating Yourself Up Is Keeping You Stuck In Place
12/28/2022
Episode 43: Why Beating Yourself Up Is Keeping You Stuck In Place
So my oldest kid is old enough to follow me on Instagram now, which is mostly WEIRD and also kind of unexpectedly fun. But the other day he looked up from Instagram with this glint in his eye and said, “There goes Mom again, talking about mindfulness and stuff while she’s over here yelling, ‘I’m CODE RED! CODE RED! Everybody get out of my space!’ I knew he was trolling me (he IS his father’s son), but I still felt an initial ping of hypocrisy and probably even shame. That said, those feelings stayed with me for no more than a couple seconds. It was almost like I was standing outside of myself, watching those feelings wash across me and then slip peacefully away, like a morning wave. Old Erica would have been emotionally TRIGGERED by my son’s comment. Let’s just say, the wave would not have receded nearly that fast. But THIS Erica actually landed on feeling proud of herself. THIS Erica laughed with him, because - Heck yes! She talks about slowing down, living mindfully, and taking the pressure off… AND she gets super irritated with her family and tells them to all go away! After those initial feelings washed through me, I trusted that my son sees me as multifaceted, multidimensional. Imperfect but still whole. Trying, falling, trying, falling. And ultimately, expanding. But the reason I was able to move so quickly through those feelings of shame is that I’ve stopped beating myself up for my sensitivity. It’s inconvenient, and I really do wish that I wasn’t so quick to get overstimulated, but I’ve stopped painting it in my head as a character flaw. I’m not making it mean anymore that there’s something wrong with me. Because of the work I’ve done to accept my sensitivity, I actually feel like I’m ever so slowly growing in my ability to hold space for my own dysregulation. It’s slow going, but I’m seeing so much more progress than I ever did when I was beating myself up for it.
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