Light After Trauma

Through Alyssa's experience as both a trauma therapist and a trauma survivor, she has realized how incredibly isolating and painful recovery from PTSD can be. Despite the many people who are fighting to spread messages of hope and awareness, we still live in a world full of trauma survivors who are carrying so much shame, guilt, anger, and fear. Light After Trauma has been created for those who are looking for support, connection and guidance on how to reclaim their lives and ultimately THRIVE in the aftermath of grief, loss, and unbearable pain. Although many times we seem to feel surrounded only by darkness, the goal of this podcast is to spread awareness that there is, in fact, light to be found find in the aftermath of trauma. https://www.patreon.com/lightaftertrauma

Episode 109: Holding You in the Light with Alyssa Scolari, LPC 09/07/2022

Episode 109: Holding You in the Light with Alyssa Scolari, LPC All good things must eventually come to an end. I thank you from the very depths of my heart for this wonderful journey! I am so excited to be teaching my first online course! Learn more and sign up below! There are so many contradictory ideas about what it means to be healthy. Diet culture and the weight-loss industry will have you believing that you need to work out every day and restrict your calorie intake in order to be the best version of yourself. In this course, we cover topics such as why diets ultimately don’t work, how fat phobia has impacted our society, how to become an intuitive eater, and how to avoid falling into dieting and eating disorder traps that society has set up for us. This course is for you if you: -are burnt out from trying diet after diet -are a parent who wants to make sure diet culture isn’t harming your child -are a therapist who is looking for continuing education credits (CEUs) -are a mental health provider who works with people with eating disorders You have two course options to choose from: A 3-Session Pathway and a 4-Session Pathway. Both includes three general lectures on the topics above. The 4-Session pathway is designed for existing neurofeedback providers. Details about each pathway can be found below. General Sessions September 22, September 29, and October 6, 2022 6:00 PM - 8:00 PM ET Additional Neurofeedback Session This session is designed for existing Nuro feedback providers to take what they learned in the first three sessions and apply it to their clinical work. We will discuss, in-depth, the theory and progression of working with clients and eating issues or disorders using neurofeedback. We will go over common qEEG findings and specific protocols. October 10, 2022 4:00PM - 6:00 PM ET This course entitles you to 6 or 8 CE credit hours if you purchase the CE add-on. You will be offered the add-on product when checking out. The number of CEs available will depend on whether you choose to sign up for the fourth session. Early bird prices are valid: August 19, 2022 to September 9, 2022 /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/24294720

Episode 108: Major Announcement: My First Ever  Online Course Is HERE! 08/30/2022

Episode 108: Major Announcement: My First Ever  Online Course Is HERE! I am so excited to be teaching my first online course! Learn more and sign up below! There are so many contradictory ideas about what it means to be healthy. Diet culture and the weight-loss industry will have you believing that you need to work out every day and restrict your calorie intake in order to be the best version of yourself. In this course, we cover topics such as why diets ultimately don’t work, how fat phobia has impacted our society, how to become an intuitive eater, and how to avoid falling into dieting and eating disorder traps that society has set up for us. This course is for you if you: -are burnt out from trying diet after diet -are a parent who wants to make sure diet culture isn’t harming your child -are a therapist who is looking for continuing education credits (CEUs) -are a mental health provider who works with people with eating disorders You have two course options to choose from: A 3-Session Pathway and a 4-Session Pathway. Both includes three general lectures on the topics above. The 4-Session pathway is designed for existing neurofeedback providers. Details about each pathway can be found below. General Sessions September 22, September 29, and October 6, 2022 6:00 PM - 8:00 PM ET Additional Neurofeedback Session This session is designed for existing Nuro feedback providers to take what they learned in the first three sessions and apply it to their clinical work. We will discuss, in-depth, the theory and progression of working with clients and eating issues or disorders using neurofeedback. We will go over common qEEG findings and specific protocols. October 10, 2022 4:00PM - 6:00 PM ET This course entitles you to 6 or 8 CE credit hours if you purchase the CE add-on. You will be offered the add-on product when checking out. The number of CEs available will depend on whether you choose to sign up for the fourth session. Early bird prices are valid: August 19, 2022 to September 9, 2022 Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: You can also check out Alyssa at Transcript: Alyssa Scolari: Hello, everybody. I am back. Well, I mean, I guess technically I didn't go anywhere, [00:00:30] but I know I've been putting out episodes every week, except the beginning of the month of August. I skipped because I was very overwhelmed and I was getting ready to go away on vacation. And then since then, I have been putting out pre-recorded episodes, so they are episodes that had been recorded earlier in the summertime, so it feels like it's been forever since I've actually sat down and recorded a podcast [00:01:00] and that is for a very good reason. And one of those reasons is that I, like I said, was on vacation. I went to Fiji, which I'm so excited to talk about. Alyssa Scolari: I know when I have talked to people here in my regular life, they're like, "Oh my gosh, that's so far." And I guess it is, or it isn't, depending on where you live in the world. But I live in the United States on the Eastern coast, [00:01:30] so it was really, really far for us. We crossed the International Dateline. It was like 30 plus hours of travel, just to go one way, so we were really traveling for two weeks. We stayed there for seven days, but between all of the traveling, we were really gone for about two weeks. And man, I really needed it. I don't think I even realized how [00:02:00] much I needed it until I went. Alyssa Scolari: It was a, I guess, six hour flight to get to Los Angeles and then it was a 10 and a half hour flight to get to Fiji. But then once we got to Fiji, we had to take, because Fiji is made up of, I think it's about 333 [00:02:30] islands, so you can go to any of the islands in Fiji. And so we landed on the main island where the airport is and then we took one of those little puddle jumper planes to get to the island and it was the coolest thing I have ever done. Alyssa Scolari: When I say a little plane, I mean it held six people. That was [00:03:00] it. And the pilot, I could reach out and touch him. He was sitting right in front of me and we were low enough that you could see everything and the water there is just the most beautiful blue I have ever seen in my life. It was the most amazing thing. Once I got over my fear of, "Oh my gosh. I'm going to die in this thing." Because I was fairly certain, I was going down. Alyssa Scolari: So we took a puddle jumper plane over to the island of Yasawa [00:03:30] and once we landed, which it's not like there's not an airport on this island. It's literally because the island that we stayed on I think is only about a mile wide, so there's in the middle of the jungle because the whole island is the jungle and the beach, there's just a little strip of grass and that is the landing strip. So, we touched down on this little strip of grass and [00:04:00] we then took a car ride, or a van ride, through the jungle, on a dirt road, to get to the resort. So needless to say, between layovers and just the distance, it was exhausting. But when I tell you it was life-changing, I don't even know where to begin. Alyssa Scolari: So many people have asked me when I've told them, like why [00:04:30] Fiji? If all the places you could go, why Fiji? And the answer to that is, I was always going to Fiji, one way or another. My whole life, my heart has been set on Fiji. Please don't ask me why. I have never seen a movie where I'm like, "Oh my gosh. I want to go to Fiji." I've never really seen anything that has made me want to go to Fiji, but for [00:05:00] some reason that has always been on my heart and I really wanted to go for our honeymoon, but we could not afford it in the slightest. So, we just decided, "Hey, this is my dream and we are going to save up and we are going to go." And we did. Alyssa Scolari: For those of you who don't know this, well actually I'm sure none of you know this about me. I am a massive tropical [00:05:30] fish lover. We had a tropical fish tank. It was like sixty-five gallons, I think. So, it was pretty big and we had all of the salt water fish. We had it for a few years. We had to get rid of it, unfortunately, and bring the fish back to the store because our house was just entirely too small and our dogs were a little too rambunctious and I was afraid that they were [00:06:00] going to run into the tank. But it is a hobby of mine, not necessarily keeping them. I do want to keep them again someday and I absolutely love it, but being in the ocean and being with the ocean life, I am not somebody who's drawn to the beach. I am drawn to the sea. I am drawn to the ocean. In my next life, I will be a marine biologist. I can tell you a ridiculous amount of knowledge about all of the tropical [00:06:30] fish in the sea. Alyssa Scolari: For me, it's always been a place where I have felt like I would be the most at home, even though I've never really been to a place like that. I mean, I went to the Dominican Republic for my honeymoon and we got to do some snorkeling there and it was really cool, but I've never been to a place like Fiji that is so completely untouched and yet there was something inside of me [00:07:00] that always knew that that was where I belonged. And man, I am so glad that I made my dream come true because I was right. It is exactly where I belonged. I have never felt more at home in my entire life than I did standing on that beach. Not even standing on the beach, but being in the ocean. Alyssa Scolari: The first day we got there. Well, really the second [00:07:30] day, because the first day we were falling asleep at the dinner table and then we went to bed. The next day, we went out into the ocean and we swam out to a bunch of big rocks out in the ocean and we climbed up on the rocks. When I say, we, I'm talking about David and I. We climbed up onto the rocks and we just sat there for what felt like forever, looking back at the island. The island is just mountains and mountains of jungle and trees [00:08:00] and then white Sandy beaches. And then we were looking down below us and the water is crystal clear and you could see fish of every color swimming below us. It, I mean, you could see just these bright blue fish that were swimming below us. And of course I was able to identify them right away because they were damsels, which are native to Fiji, and I was so excited. I just felt the most at peace, I've ever felt in my whole life. Alyssa Scolari: [00:08:30] I spent every single day in the ocean. Every single day, snorkeling. There was one day where we got on a boat and we were jetting out into the ocean and we jumped off the boat and just in the middle of the sea, and we were snorkeling, and there was a shark right below us. It was like a reef shark, so it wasn't massive, but it was still a shark. I've always wanted [00:09:00] to swim with the sharks and just the patterns on these fish, the colors of these fish, and not just the fish, the sand crabs, the sea turtles. It's everything. It's the coral reefs. The corals are neon. It was a world that I couldn't even imagine in my wildest dreams. I had always dreamed of this and I always looked up what coral reefs look like, [00:09:30] but it was nothing that I could ever possibly dream up. It was beyond my wildest dreams. Alyssa Scolari: There were days where we would do private picnics on private beaches, so they would pack a cooler for us and they would take us out on a boat, like 20 minutes away from our resort. They would drop us off on a private beach and we would just stay on a private beach, just the two of us, all day long, snorkeling. And you don't even have to go out far to find the fish because the area [00:10:00] is so untouched. The land is so untouched. The resort that we stayed at, maybe holds 40 people. It is the only source of employment on the island. There were no humans. There was nothing there and we didn't even have cell phone service. So, I mean, it was just a time of my life. I've never experienced anything like it and it was amazing. Alyssa Scolari: [00:10:30] I did a lot of healing there. A lot of healing. I made a lot of decisions about just things and changes I'm going to be making and things I'm going to be doing in my career, so I'm happy. I'm also happy to be home though. I missed my dogs and my mother-in-law watched the dogs for us and it was so great to have somebody that we love and trust, be able to take care of the dogs. [00:11:00] And she's awesome, so she did great with them. And yeah, now I'm back and I have a very big announcement to make, which by the way, if you want to see pictures of Fiji, you can head on over to my Instagram because I posted pictures on there. It is lightaftertrauma. Alyssa Scolari: And speaking of my Instagram, if you haven't... If you're on my Instagram, then you might have already seen this announcement. But if not, then this is going to be new to you. I [00:11:30] have launched my first ever online course and I'm so excited. I have been a little distant from the podcast lately. You may have noticed. I've been doing my best. But the reason for that is because I have been working since June on creating this course, or May, I think I've been working on creating this course and it is finally here and I am so [00:12:00] excited. Alyssa Scolari: The course is called The War With Your Body and I collaborated with Leanne Hershkowitz, who is a neurofeedback provider and a therapist as well. She was on the podcast to talk about neurofeedback and developmental trauma. This was probably maybe a year and a half ago, so you'd have to go back into the feed and find it. But we decided that we wanted to do a course together because there really isn't [00:12:30] a lot out there in terms of online courses where people can truly learn about intuitive eating and diet culture and how to ditch those things. Well, not intuitive eating, but how to ditch diet culture and how to let go of that feeling that you have to be on diet after diet. Alyssa Scolari: There's a lot of misinformation out there and there's certainly no [00:13:00] shortage of diet culture and I've talked about diet culture and eating disorders on this podcast, plenty of times before, and body image and health at every size. There's no shortage of bad information out there where people are promoting weight loss and diets and calorie deficits and over exercising and we glorify thinness in this culture. And if you live in a larger body, you are made to feel horrible about yourself. Alyssa Scolari: And so we [00:13:30] decided, you know what, we're making a course and we're going to talk about all of it. So in this course, we talk a lot about the diet industry, the weight loss industry, on all of the different ways in which the diet industry can come into your life without you knowing it. Alyssa Scolari: We talk about the diet industry and social media. We talk about why diets don't work and why the majority of people reach something called diet [00:14:00] burnout, which is where you're just so sick of doing all the diets and you just don't know what else to do but you physically cannot go on another diet. So, we talk about that. We talk about the different types of dieters out there and we talk about the alternative, which is intuitive eating. Alyssa Scolari: Now intuitive eating is another super trendy term, but there's also a ton of misinformation about [00:14:30] that out there, so we are breaking it down. Intuitive eating does not look like eating donuts all day, every day, and thinking, "Oh, Hey, I'm eating intuitively." A lot of people think that's what it is, especially people who are trying to promote their diets. Like, "Oh, don't do intuitive eating because they think you should eat donuts all day." That's not true. Alyssa Scolari: We talk about the different aspects of health and the stigma against [00:15:00] larger bodies that is even in our medical system, like what it can be like going to doctor's offices if you live in a larger body. Even so much as getting on an airplane. I struggled as somebody living in a larger body, to fit in one of the seats in the airplanes, going to Fiji, and I was really uncomfortable and really triggered and it just felt so unfair that airplanes aren't made for all body [00:15:30] types. So, we just talk about how ingrained fat phobia is. We talk a lot about fat phobia and really how to achieve letting go, ditching diet culture, becoming an intuitive eater. Alyssa Scolari: There's advice and direct tips in there for how to deal with loved ones and friends and family members and even doctors. When you're going to the doctor, to avoid having, if you don't want to get weighed, [00:16:00] or to avoid having to talk about weight. Or even tips in there for ways that you can deal with your children. If you are a parent and you are worried about your child being introduced to diet culture, this is a course that is absolutely for you. Or, if you're just somebody who's sick of dieting and you want to make peace with your body and you want to make peace with food, this is also a course for you. Alyssa Scolari: We also discuss eating disorders and we discuss the [00:16:30] link between food issues or eating disordered behaviors and trauma as well. So, that is an important piece. I'm not saying that every chronic diet, or every person who diets has a history of trauma, or has an eating disorder. I'm not saying that at all. But what I'm saying is, trauma has been found to be linked to the onset of eating disorders and disordered eating. And so we discuss that as well. Alyssa Scolari: Now, if you are a therapist and [00:17:00] you are looking for continuing education credits, you can also find that in this course. So, this course is either three modules or four modules, depending on what path you take. So, if you are a neurofeedback provider and you are looking to learn about how you can utilize neurofeedback to help clients with eating disorders, then you can sign up for all [00:17:30] four modules. If that does not apply to you, then you would sign up for three modules. If you signed up for the three modules, then you would get six credits. If you signed up for the four modules, then you would get eight credits. Alyssa Scolari: Now the exciting thing is, I will be teaching this course, live. So, if you want to come to the live teaching of this course, you can hang out with us. You can ask questions. I would love [00:18:00] to see you there. I have spent two years, two years today actually, talking to you all through this microphone and it would be an honor to get to see your beautiful faces. Alyssa Scolari: So, if you would like to attend the live teaching that will be held via Zoom, so it will be virtual, so anybody can attend, anywhere in the world and module one will be held on Thursday, September 22nd, [00:18:30] from 6:00 PM to 8:00 PM. And module two will be held September 29th, also a Thursday, from 6:00 PM to 8:00 PM. And then the third module will be held October 6th and that will also be 6:00 PM to 8:00 PM and that is also a Thursday. The fourth module will be held on October 10th, and that will be from 4:00 PM to 6:00 PM. Now all of these times [00:19:00] are Eastern Standard Time. Alyssa Scolari: So, if you are looking to sign up, but you live in a different part of the world, please make sure you take that into account. If you would like more information about this, you can head over to my Instagram. It is lightaftertrauma or my other personal Instagram, which is AlyssaScolari and also you can look in the show notes. The link to sign up will be in the show notes, [00:19:30] so you can do that, and you can also learn more about the course. Alyssa Scolari: And then also there is an early bird special running until September 9th, 2022. So if you would like a discount, if you want the early bird rate, please head over as soon as possible and make sure that you sign up before September 10th. So, September 9th is the last day that you can sign up. Alyssa Scolari: Now, for those of you who are interested in the course, [00:20:00] but you're like, "You know what? I don't think that I can make all those times work." That is okay. All is not lost because these live recordings will be recorded and they will be stored and you will be able to access the course at any time. So you can go in, you can purchase the course, and then you can have all the modules at once. And that's the same, whether you are a therapist, whether you are a parent, whether you are just somebody who wants to [00:20:30] see the course for yourself. Alyssa Scolari: This course is awesome. I have worked really hard on it. There's a lot of knowledge in here that honestly, people are not talking about and is not out there in the public and I got my information from two of the creators of Intuitive Eating, so I know that what I'm talking about is really, really helpful. It's all legitimate and I [00:21:00] can't wait. I cannot wait. I hope that this course helps you. I have been working on it for all of you and yeah, I just thank you. I thank you so much for all the support because if I didn't have the support, I wouldn't have even thought that this was possible. But because of you, it is, and I am really looking forward to seeing where this first course takes me and takes all of us. Alyssa Scolari: So, thank you so, so much for your time. [00:21:30] I know this isn't much of a content-oriented episode today, but I feel like I had a lot to catch up on and I wanted to introduce you to this new course. I hope you have a wonderful week. I love you all so much and I am holding you... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/24196419

Episode 107 Redux: Intimacy After Sexual Trauma with Dr. Nazanin Moali, Ph.D. 08/23/2022

Episode 107 Redux: Intimacy After Sexual Trauma with Dr. Nazanin Moali, Ph.D. We are reaching back into our archives this week for an episode redux with Episode 34! Dr. Nazanin Moali is a public speaker, psychologist, and sex and relationship expert. Dr. Moali is also the host of her own podcast, titled "Sexology", where she dives into the psychology of sex and intimacy. In this week's episode, Dr. Moali and Alyssa discuss the impact that sexual trauma can have on us as well as the hope that comes with reclaiming our sexuality and discovering pleasure again. Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: You can also check out Alyssa at Transcript: Alyssa Scolari [00:00]: Hello friends. I hope everybody is well. I have some exciting news. We are adding a mini episode to the podcast every week coming soon. This episode is all about you. When I say mini I'm meaning it's going to be about 10-15 minutes long and what this little segment is going to be called is Survived and Thrived Stories. After starting this podcast I started to get people from all over the world who were reaching out to me to talk to me about certain things on the podcast that I touched on, certain parts of my story, specific topics that they could identify with, and I realized that there are so many people who want to share their story and want their voice to be heard, but they don't necessarily want to be identified or they don't want to share all of their story, so I wanted to create this mini episode series called Survived and Thrived Stories where you can email in anonymously or if you want to sign your first initial or just your first name, however you want, and you can share as much or as little of your story as you want. Actually, part of why I really wanted to do this as well and part of why this is so special to me is because I realized that when I first started sharing my story, I did it in writing and I did it anonymously and I actually wrote into a podcast. I wrote into a very famous podcast called My Favorite Murder because I wrote in about a trauma that I experienced that I was a victim of a crime and that was my first kind of like, it was the gateway into me sharing my story and into me I think ultimately starting this podcast and helped so much in my recovery and I want to give all of you the same opportunity. If you are struggling with something, if you have been through a hardship, if you are experiencing PTSD or if you have recovered or you are in recovery, because I believe recovery is a lifelong journey, I want to hear from you. If there's something you want to share, send it on in and I will read it aloud on the podcast and then of course I will comment and offer any kind of support that I can. Yeah, I just think it would be a really exciting way for everybody to get their voices heard and for you to be able to inspire so many others and to reach out to others and let other people who are sitting in the darkness know that they are not alone and that they can get through this. Whether you want to talk about things that helped you to recover, whether you want to talk about what happened to you, you can send it on over. I want you to send it to the podcast email. That's [email protected]. Again, that's [email protected]. Again, you will remain anonymous. I look forward to hearing from you. I would be honored to share your story on this podcast, so looking forward to it. Stay tuned and send me your story. [Music 00:03:47] Hello all you beautiful people. Welcome to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. You know who this is. I am your host, Alyssa Scolari, and I am happy to be here this week with Dr. Nazanin Moali. Dr. Nazanin Moali is a licensed clinical psychologist and a, is it double A sect or AAS- Nazanin Moali [04:27]: AASECT. I know, it's a complicated name. Yes. AASECT. Alyssa Scolari [04:32]: AASECT, okay. All right. Certified sex therapist, her private practice is located in Los Angeles and she specializes in working with couples and individuals struggling with issues of sex and intimacy. She also hosts a weekly podcast called Sexology, introducing the most intriguing findings in psychology of sex and intimacy. Welcome. Thank you for being here. Nazanin Moali [04:59]: Thank you so much for inviting me. I'm very excited about this conversation. Alyssa Scolari [05:04]: This is absolutely one of my favorite topics to discuss. It's so difficult. I guess I'll just turn it over to you. Could you just elaborate a little bit more on the work that you do? Are you mostly in private practice in addition to the podcast? Nazanin Moali [05:21]: Yes. I have a private practice that I help people with all sorts of sexual health functioning challenges. One of the things that I'm very passionate about is helping sexual assault survivors, people who have experienced sexual abuse, to reclaim pleasure in their life because I know that this is something we will talk about, but one thing that breaks my heart, that at times people, they don't think they deserve pleasure after experiencing trauma or they think that their work is done when they process the horrible traumatic experience that they had, but I think it can be very important and empowering to cultivate pleasure back into our lives. That's one of the things that I'm very, very passionate about, supporting my clients to navigate. Alyssa Scolari [06:09]: You are living my dream. I love it and I can't thank you enough for doing what you do because it really is important. As somebody who is, I myself am a survivor of complex PTSD from a history of sexual abuse, and I'm also a trauma therapist and I've been in private practice for about three years now and one of the things that I see consistently showing up in my office for survivors of sexual trauma is, "How do I have any kind of semblance of sexual pleasure when I can't even be in my body? I have so much guilt and shame." You help people to be able to experience pleasure again, to be able to reclaim their sexuality and I think that that's amazing. It's amazing. Nazanin Moali [07:11]: Thank you. Back at yourself, that helping people with this processing of traumatic experiences of all sorts. I have lots of respect for people that are helping clients in early stages and all stages of processing the trauma. That's really rewarding but can be challenging work at times. Alyssa Scolari [07:30]: Yes. Yes, on both of our ends. It definitely can be challenging but so rewarding. So rewarding. In your experience what typically happens after people have survived any type of sexual trauma or sexual abuse? Nazanin Moali [07:49]: Well people kind of have different responses afterward when it comes to their sexuality, their relationship with their sexuality. It's my experience that some people can become kind of numb. They don't want to have any kind of sexual encounter with their partner or with themselves. They are in this continue to live in this fight and flight mode and sexuality is not a priority for them in that phase. I also see people that after experiencing assault, whether it's abuse, they start becoming more sexual. That they want to have more sex, they want to explore their bodies more, and both of those things are normal. I think it's important to think about normal meaning it's common, in a way. That's the common early phases of experiences that people have. Also we can develop all sorts of different challenges as a result of experiencing a trauma. Not everyone of course that they experience trauma develop PTSD, depression, anxiety, but for people who develop the depression and anxiety and all of those challenges, that also impact their sexual desire, their connection with their sexuality, and that can be another hurdle. Trauma can impact the way that we see our world and that can impact our relationships in our life, which can in turn impact our sexuality as well. There are a number of different ways that experiencing a trauma can transform us. Alyssa Scolari [09:25]: Yes, and have you found it to be even extra difficult for people to talk about because there's already so much stigma around sex and sexuality and experiencing pleasure, especially for women. Nazanin Moali [09:43]: Mm-hmm [affirmative]. Absolutely. First of all I think most people that I encounter, even whether in my office or outside, there are some level of discomfort talking about sex. At baseline many of us are uncomfortable and I think added to that, when we're experiencing sexual trauma, that can even complicate things as well because sometimes people receive these unhelpful messages from others, kind of blaming them for their experiences. Perhaps you were wearing something provocative that led to this. Alyssa Scolari [10:19]: Right, or maybe you were drinking or what were you doing at a bar that late at night? Or things like that. Nazanin Moali [10:24]: Mm-hmm [affirmative]. Absolutely. Like was the person in your home? Maybe then you welcomed them into your home, so what could you expect? All of these horrible messages. If you're feeling bad about sex to start with and then you experience some kind of negative messaging around us being part of what happened, which is ridiculous, so I think that also impacts how we're feeling about our sexuality, the experience. Additionally, for many people it's okay and it's common to experience some arousal during the experience of assault, during the abuse. It's your body trying to protect you. What if you're getting lubricated? All of those things are completely normally. It doesn't mean that you were asking it, it's just your body function of trying to protect you. I think that's also important for survivors to know. Alyssa Scolari [11:19]: Yes. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for saying this. This was the hardest thing and for me personally, as well as for the sexual trauma survivors that I work with, is the hardest thing for survivors to be able to integrate, is this idea of well during the abuse, during the rape I was aroused. Or even I orgasmed, and therefore I must have wanted it. That's not at all the case, as you're saying, because we can't control our body's physiological response to our genitals being stimulated. Nazanin Moali [12:09]: Right. Right. I agree with you and I think unfortunately many people internalize those negative beliefs of thinking about oh God, perhaps on some unconscious level I wanted it or I was okay with it or I gave them the message that it was okay. I love that you talked about yes that's part of the experience, it doesn't mean that you were giving anyone a permission to do anything. Again, it could be a part of your physiological response, as you mentioned. At times it's a way for your body to protect you, so there could be a number of different reasons that physiologically you had that arousal. Alyssa Scolari [12:46]: When you say part of a way for your body to protect you, meaning like in the sense of pretending to go along with it in order to protect yourself? Nazanin Moali [12:56]: Great question. One of the kind of common challenges that I hear from some of my clients that saying, from female clients, that "I was lubricated so perhaps the lubrication shows arousal," but lubrication is a way that your genitals trying to save you from experiencing tearing, all sorts of challenges. That's why they say that it's your body wanting to protect you. Alyssa Scolari [13:22]: That makes sense. That makes sense. Right, so lubrication again doesn't necessarily mean that you wanted it. That's your body's way of trying to protect from any kind of intimacy or sexual trauma. Your body is preparing itself, trying to keep yourself from having tears or whatever kind of other injuries. Nazanin Moali [13:43]: Absolutely. Alyssa Scolari [13:45]: That makes a lot of sense. Yes. I'm so glad that you touched on that because I think that that's so hard for people. As you were saying earlier, some reactions that we have or some people go into sexual avoidance and some people become hyper sexual and when people come into your office do they realize that they have sexual trauma or do people typically come into your office for other reasons and then discover that they have sexual trauma? Nazanin Moali [14:22]: Well majority of my clients coming in for sex therapy knowing that they did the first part of the work. Kind of like knowing that I worked through the early phases of experiencing, kind of working through those difficult memories. Now they're ready to explore their sexuality and sexual wellness piece. That's why they're seeking out a therapist. But at times I had clients that they're coming in to me to say, "I don't feel anything during sex. I have this numbness," and when we're unfolding and unwrapping different parts of their experiences we realize this is stemmed from their experience of being a survivor and not dealing with the completely treating symptoms of experiencing that trauma. Alyssa Scolari [15:10]: Yes. Could you talk for a few minutes about that experience of, this is something that I absolutely relate to, of the numbness around having sex? I know for a long time before I knew that I had sexual abuse I truly thought that I was broken so I would imagine that you have people that come to you that are just like, "I don't feel anything when I'm having sex." Could you talk about what that process actually is and what's happening? Nazanin Moali [15:38]: Absolutely. I feel like for many of my clients when they experience their sexual trauma or other kind of traumas at times, they learn to disconnect from their bodies. They're very aware of what happens in their mind, but sex is about sensation so it's important to connect with our bodies and it could be a common experience but it's something that people need to work through because in order for us to connect with our pleasure we need to be able to pay attention to sensations and all of those experiences we have in our bodies, so that's part of it. Again, it could be one way for you to manage working through those or experiencing those horrible experiences because sometimes during the traumatic experience you're going through something really, really painful emotionally, physically, so consciously unconsciously you're disconnecting from your body to protect yourself. Now that you are ready to embrace your sexuality and introducing pleasure, it's really important to do practices that helps you to connect with your body again and work through the numbness. Alyssa Scolari [16:49]: Yes, so practices that focus on grounding yourself and being in your body. Nazanin Moali [16:55]: And kind of being okay yes, and experiencing pleasure. Alyssa Scolari [16:59]: Yep. Yep, exactly. Exactly. How do you help people work through the shame and the guilt around sex? Some people feel like after the abuse that they endured that they're not even worthy of having pleasure. How do you help people with that? I know that's a very broad question. I think it's very individualized, but what are some things you might do? Nazanin Moali [17:31]: Well I think one important thing is to identify the beliefs that you develop because of experiencing, as the result of experiencing trauma. What are some of the core beliefs that you develop? What are some of the things that you, the messages that you have around your bodies, around relationship, around sex? Part of it is identifying those messages and also examining that. Are they serving you? Are these accurate? What else we can put in instead of this belief that would serve you better and is congruent with your values. The life that you would like to lead. That's part of it. Also equally important is seeing it as a way to get revenge on the person wanting to take away your sexuality. Alyssa Scolari [18:19]: I love it. Yes. Nazanin Moali [18:20]: That can be motivating for many people, thinking about this person, this experience didn't break me. Perhaps I can work toward transforming myself and my experiences and my sexuality as the result of that. One of the research that I've done in graduate school was around posttraumatic growth. That many people, when they experience trauma, after that possible to experience growth. Growth meaning that it's not you're going back to the even pre-trauma functioning. It's more about going beyond and cultivating experiences that's beyond what you were experiencing. That would be even if you had a mediocre sexual experiences before trauma, this experience can provide you with this opportunity to experience growth and change your relationship with sexuality, with people in your life. Kind of anchoring in that, that can help people to feel more motivated to work through that. I think the other piece of it, thinking about incorporating pleasure back in your life. Not only sexual pleasure, it could be all sorts of pleasure because when we're thinking we're not worthy then we're not taking care of ourselves, we're not paying attention to our physiological needs, to our pain, all of that. Working on incorporating pleasure inside and outside the bedroom is also part of it and really working on cultivating awareness around your body. [inaudible 00:19:49] that focusing on doing grounding exercises, number of different exercises I give my clients to explore their body and finally their sexuality. That also can help people to feel more grounded and they're going to have more experience of embodiment. Alyssa Scolari [20:07]: You start with non-sexual touch. Nazanin Moali [20:12]: Mm-hmm [affirmative]. Alyssa Scolari [20:12]: Which I think is so important. I follow this one person on Instagram. Her handle is My Orgasmic Life. Nazanin Moali [20:21]: Nice. Alyssa Scolari [20:21]: Have you ever heard of her before? Nazanin Moali [20:23]: No. Alyssa Scolari [20:24]: She's wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. She has these workshops and these seminars, it's called Body Sex, and she helps women to become more grounded in themselves and be able to explore their sexuality and tap into their sexuality but she starts with non-sexual touch. For many people, and I know especially for me, non-sexual touch was all I could handle for a long time. I think that that's important. Just even hand holding or even, and this is if you're with your partner, but there also can be non-sexual touch even if you're solo. Nazanin Moali [21:08]: Absolutely. I think definitely with partners, again kind of like checking in with yourself about your readiness on whether to introduce touch or not. At times we start as you said with hand holding or it could be caressing different parts of the body while you have the clothing on. We're not removing any clothing. That can take awhile and then after that when you're ready you can escalate things. Also as you mentioned, even when you are practicing solo, exploring putting lotion on different parts of your body and paying attention to the sensations, smells, all of those good things. You can practice this element of paying attention to your body. I think that's very important. Also breathing. Connecting with your breath can also be very powerful because when we're ready to be with a partner or we're ready to introduce solo sex, it's important to also to use our breath as a way to anchor ourself in our bodies. That could be one tool. Alyssa Scolari [22:11]: To use our breath as a way to stay grounded. Nazanin Moali [22:13]: Yes, and being focused in the moment because if we're connecting with people sexually, one common experience that many survivors have is they disassociate. They kind of leave their body and that's common and you can use your breath... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/24137814

Episode 106: Don't Take It Personally with Alyssa Scolari, LPC 08/16/2022

Episode 106: Don't Take It Personally with Alyssa Scolari, LPC When people hurt us or wrong us, we often automatically assume that the problem is us. We find ourselves asking "Why don't people like me?" or "What's wrong with me?" or "What did I ever do to them?" Developing the ability to depersonalize others' actions and realize that the things people do often have very little to do with you can be life changing. Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: You can also check out Alyssa at Transcript Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I'm your host, Alyssa Scolari, and I hope everybody is off to a good week. I am doing pretty well. I have been keeping up with my reading, which honestly has been helping me get through some difficult times. I just finished a book called The People We Meet on Vacation. Honestly, I do not recommend, unless you love a good rom-com, then you might like it. I just don't think that I'm a romantic comedy kind of gal, I didn't like it at all. I really expected it to be a little bit better in terms of like... The book is kind of like flashbacks of these friends who are on vacation in different parts of the world, and I just thought that I was going to get to feel like I was traveling with them, and that we were going to travel across the world with this book. But honestly, so much of it was just about sexual tension, and I swear to the lord almighty, if I had to read one more sentence about how he gently and softly swept a damp curl from her face and tucked it oh so softly behind her ear, I will vomit. It's just not me. It's just not me. No offense to the author. The writing is good, the wit is great, there were a few moments where I chuckled out loud, and I think that if you love romantic comedies, it's perhaps good, I was just not impressed. So I'm looking forward to my next book, which is going to be The Guest List by Lucy Foley. We will see. This one is, I think has murder in it, which I'm already much more inclined to like, and at the end of the day, I just don't think anything is going to top Where the Crawdads Sing. I'm almost sad that I've read it and that it's over, because I feel like there is no book that is going to top that. I'm sure that's not true, but right now my brain is still in Kya's world, and yeah, I just wasn't ready to leave that world. So anyway, I digress. I hope you're having a awesome, awesome week so far, let's get into it today. So, we are going to talk about kind of a somewhat difficult truth, and this is a truth that I have had to grapple with a lot over the course of my life, especially lately, and the truth of the matter is that not everything is about you. And I know that that can come off as harsh, and I probably shouldn't say it that harsh, because I have had people quite literally say that to me when I was a child, and it was really actually painful to hear, because I wasn't trying to make everything about me, I just was desperate for attention and help of some sort, so I shouldn't say it like that, right? It's not necessarily that not everything is about you. The nicer reframe for that is that you don't always have to take things so personally, because truly so many things that happen are not personal. And this is a really hard concept for so many of us, especially trauma survivors, because our brains are wired for protection. So our brains are always trying to seek out a threat, and we are trying to eliminate any potential threats before we end up getting really hurt. So when something happens, we just assume that that person meant it intentionally, or we just assume that that person hates us, and we assume that the problem is us. And we ask ourselves, "Why me? Why does this happen to me?" And that's us taking things really personally and assuming that people's behaviors are a reflection of who we are, and that is simply not true, and it really is one of the hardest things to unlearn. I mean, at least for me. I have had to grapple so much with this idea that people's actions and their behaviors and the things that they say are not about me, right? And let's talk about a couple examples, and I have a lot of personal examples about this, so I'm going to go to my personal examples. So for one, and this might seem kind of simple, but going to the doctors, right? As a fat person, going to the doctors is always a really stressful experience, because they almost always say something about my weight, unsolicited. And so I've gotten to a place where going to the doctors has become kind of like a anxiety-provoking thing for me, and I had a doctor's appointment just to get literally some vaccines, where I wasn't even going to be weighed, and I was driving there and I could feel my heart just pounding in my chest, and I'm like, "Man, what do I do about this?" And so I'm trying to talk myself through it and reframe like, "These doctors' comments to me about my weight is not about me. It is literally not about me." And you're like, "What do you mean? They're literally telling you to lose weight, it has to be about you." It is so not. It is about their own fatphobia, their own misunderstandings, or lack of being up to date about what actually makes somebody healthy, right? Because again, you can kind of look at my blood work and you can see everything looks great, and then you can just look at my body or the number on the scale and say, "Oh, well, you must be unhealthy." No, there are really no indicators that I'm not healthy. So this is about the diet culture, this is about the fatphobia in the medical system, this is about doctors not knowing, or really understanding, or really caring to learn about the Health at Every Size movement, it's not about me in the slightest. And so when I think about that, it helps me to shift my narrative from like, "Oh, I'm this, I'm that, I'm a bad person. Doctors don't like me, they don't want to work with me," or "They think I'm this, they think I'm that." They actually aren't thinking at all, really. They're doing exactly what their training has told them, which is "We see this number on the scale, we don't like this number, and we need to address it." That is literally what their training is, it's what their training has told them to do, it has absolutely nothing to do with me. And so reframing it like that has helped me to depersonalize it to the point where now I will go into a doctor's office and I will be like, "Hey, not getting weighed, and no, I'm not going to tell you what my weight is, unless I'm here specifically for my weight, or unless you need to know it for some medical reason, I'm not letting you know." And also I happen to have found a doctor at this point, at least a primary care doctor, who is amazing and totally, totally gets it. So that's just one example, right? People's behaviors are not a reflection of you, and I think that this is really important to remember with family members as well, right? Many of you know, I no longer have any contact with my family. It is not, and most likely is never going to work out with my family, unfortunately. And I have had to grapple a lot with the past, and with trying to understand certain behaviors and certain situations, but every time, when I'm in therapy or when I'm thinking by myself, my therapist will remind me so that I'm able to remind myself, "Their behaviors were never about you. Their actions are never... They were never about you." They were about X, Y, and Z things that quite frankly, I'm just not ready to share at this point. But let's say you have a family that you don't get along with, or you have childhood trauma and your family members were your abusers, and let's say you have parents who gaslight you, and when you try to talk to them about certain things that happened, your parents say, "That never happened, I don't know what you're talking about," or they say things like, "I thought you had a great childhood," or they try to guilt-trip you and say things like, "Oh, I guess I'm just such a horrible parent," very sarcastically. Let's say you have a parent like that, it can be really, really confusing and difficult for you to try to figure out what the truth is, because you have certain feelings and certain memories, but then somebody else who was there is also telling you something completely different, and so you are left feeling very confused and a little bit chaotic because you know what you remember, and it's very painful to not only be invalidated, but to have people tell you that your memories are wrong. And so it's really helpful in these moments to remember, again, it's not about you. People might tell you that your memories are wrong because they don't want to face it themselves. People might invalidate you because they don't want to have those feelings. They are running from feelings themselves. Some families will invalidate people or gaslight people, or say that things never happened so that they can keep their own secrets, so that they can maintain the appearance of normalcy and happiness and functionality. It has so little to do with you, truly. The same goes for, let's say you go to the grocery store to go grocery shopping, and you're checking out and your cashier is miserable. I had a cashier a few weeks ago, I went to the grocery store, and as I was almost finished, I had all these groceries in my cart, the cashier... Or actually the person comes on on the loudspeaker in the grocery store, and they're like, "Just so you know, our system is down and we're only taking cash right now." And so people were up in arms, because who carries that much cash on them? I feel like people rarely pay for groceries with cash anymore, certainly not me. So people were up in arms, people were leaving all their groceries and they're running out of the store, people are running to the ATM, people are screaming, yelling, and I actually didn't know it because I didn't hear it on the loudspeaker at the time. And so I wheel my cart up to the cashier and I'm standing in line, and she looks at me and she's like, "Hey, how are you?" And I was like, "I'm great, thank you, how are you?" As an aside, I was not great. I was having a terrible day, but I was like, "You know what? I'm going to be really nice." She was like, "You do know that it's cash only?" And I was like, "Just this lane, or everywhere?" And she was like, "Our system is down, we're not taking cards right now anywhere, so if you don't have cash, then you can't pay for these." And I was like, "Oh." She was like, "I don't know how you didn't hear that on the speaker earlier." And I was getting heated, let me tell you. Luckily there was a very kind man there who heard the way she was talking to me, and I don't even remember what he did, but he said something to kind of defuse the tension and I walked away, but I was fuming as I was walking away. And one of the things I had to keep saying to myself over and over and over again is "It is not about me. Her rudeness has nothing to do with me as a person, and I am not taking on that energy. That is hers to deal with. I am not absorbing that." And then I kind of do this visualization exercise where I picture myself almost turning into a rock, so that things will just bounce off me, so that I don't absorb it, because a lot of times I'm a sponge, so I got to turn into a rock. This happens even in stores when you're shopping, grocery shopping, whatever it may be. It also happens among friends or acquaintances, and I got hit with it hard a couple weeks ago, where I have this distant friend who's getting married and they... She has a shower that's coming up, and I am not going to be able to attend the shower, and so I wanted to send a gift. And so I of course did my due diligence and checked in with the maid of honor to make sure that I could reach out and ask for an address so that I can send this gift, and the maid of honor was like, "Yep, go right ahead, you can reach out," and so... Or maybe the maid of honor didn't say exactly that, but whatever the maid of honor said was pretty much like, "Yeah, go ahead." Like, "She knows, she knows about the shower." And so I just text her, and I just said like, "Hey, I'm not going to be able to make it to the shower, but I wanted to send you a gift. What is your address?" That is literally all of the information that I revealed. I didn't give anything away, nothing. Within like an hour or so, I get a text from one of this person's other friends, a person who used to be a friend of mine, but who I haven't talked to in years, and don't care to talk to, reached out to me and was like, "Don't say any more about what you're going to be doing and when, because this needs to be a surprise. We all want this to be a surprise and so does the bride," and it was just a passive-aggressive text message. And I was so hurt by it, because number one, I did my due diligence, I made sure that what I... I was very careful with what I said to not let anything slip. Number two, I don't understand, I texted one person, so why is it that that person that I texted felt the need to share my messages with somebody else, right? Obviously I know you're talking about me, obviously I know you have a problem with what I said, even though I don't know what I said, to the point where the person I texted, the bride, I asked for her address, she still hasn't gotten back to me. So I did something, I clearly did something, of which I don't frigging know, but this is exactly why I have chosen to cut ties with so many people in my life, because I don't put up with this bullshit, because it really got to me, and I started crying and I started saying to David, like, "I don't understand why people have to do this to me. I feel like people don't like me and I don't know what I did. I did everything I possibly could to not let the surprise out. I checked with the maid of honor. I just don't know, whatever." But I was taking it so personally until I sat down and I thought, and I was like, "You know what? This is actually who they are," because I've known these people for many, many years, and I've been around different groups and I've heard, they all talk shit about each other. Every time somebody so much as sneezes, somebody else knows about it. They all talk shit, they all gossip, they all look for something that somebody does wrong, and it just happened to be me. It just so happened to be me this time. I did something wrong, and instead of reaching out to me and saying, "Hey," I don't know, telling me what I did wrong, they're just going to ignore me or be passive-aggressive. Mind you, these are people that are way older than me. So it's just like, it's not about me. This is what they do. This is what they do for fun. They chew people up and spit them out for fun. And as soon as I was able to realize that, I felt so much better, and then I was able to just laugh it off and go, "Yep, this is what they do," and let it go, and didn't say anything, and realized, "You know what? I don't want friends like this, and we're done here." I also should say, I don't want that to sound like I have cut people off abruptly, because I haven't, and I don't recommend that. If you want to learn more about cutting people off versus talking to them and setting boundaries, you can look back in the previous episodes, but suffice it to say that these are people who I have decided just aren't good for me, and so these friendships are not going to go on. But it's not about me, it was never about me, and it was never about you either. How much angst and anger and frustration and tears do you think could have been saved if you remember that people's actions truly have nothing to do with you? How many tears, how many less tears would've been shed if you acknowledged that people, nine times out of 10, are just operating according to their own rules in life, and if those rules happen to hurt you, they're not really paying too much attention to that? They're not sitting up at night going, "How can I hurt this person's feelings?" They're just trying to make it through their lives, and that's not me saying that it's okay, it's not. But what I'm hoping that this does is try to take a lot of the pressure off of you to feel like you need to be better, like you did something wrong, like you need to change things. Listen, we all need work. We all need work, we all have things we have to change, but you don't need people to make you feel terrible, and you don't need to be personalizing people's actions in order to elicit change. People love to gossip, they live on it. People love to talk about other people because it makes them feel better. Families love to keep their secrets, because if we keep our secrets, then we maintain the system, then we don't have to deal with the pain and the feelings. Rude people out there exist because they're having bad days, and they project all over the world, and very little of it is personal. And the moment that you realize this and can continue to tell yourself this, that's the moment that dealing with people and being in relationships with people, friendships with people, becomes so much more manageable. I love you, I hope you have a wonderful week, and I will be holding you in the light. Thanks for listening, everyone. For more information, please head over to lightaftertrauma.com, or you can also follow us on social media. On Instagram, we are @lightaftertrauma, and on Twitter, it is @lightafterpod. Lastly, please head over to patreon.com/lightaftertrauma to support our show. We are asking for $5 a month, which is the equivalent to a cup of coffee at Starbucks, so please head on over. Again, that's patreon.com/lightaftertrauma. Thank you, and we appreciate your support. /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/24047577

Episode 105: When Weekly Therapy Isn’t Enough with Sarah Tatarski 08/09/2022

Episode 105: When Weekly Therapy Isn’t Enough with Sarah Tatarski Mental health missionary Sarah Tatarski joins Alyssa on this week’s episode to discuss options for when weekly outpatient therapy just isn’t enough. Sarah discussed her experiences with alternative treatment options such as partial hospitalization programs, ketamine, and alpha-Stim. She also provides new perspectives on navigating some of the major flaws in the mental health system. Sarah Tatarski's Instagram: Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: You can also check out Alyssa at Transcript: Alyssa Scolari: Hey everyone, this is just a quick note that Sarah wanted me to hop on and let you all know. Sarah's mom was not her abuser, so her father was an alcoholic and he was her main abuser when he was alive. Sarah and her mom have had an enmeshed relationship since she was young. Alyssa Scolari: That caused her mother to be a trauma trigger for her, so she just wanted me to come on and clarify that just so you can know who is who and didn't you know, think that somebody was her abuser when in fact they were not. Alyssa Scolari: So, I hope you enjoy this episode. Alyssa Scolari: Hi, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I am your host, Alyssa Scolari, and we have a guest episode today. It is so rare that we have guests on the podcast these days, but there is a special person who I met just like Jennifer Burns, which Jennifer, if you haven't listened to older episodes, Jennifer is the woman who we talked about crystals, with and how crystals have been used and have helped her with her trauma recovery. Alyssa Scolari: I met Jennifer just because she was a podcast listener and we connected. And we started talking about a topic that we were really passionate about. And a similar thing has happened with today's guest. Her name is Sarah Tatarski. And I met Sarah basically, through the podcast. She was a listener of the podcast, reached out and we started talking via Instagram. Alyssa Scolari: Now, Sarah is an artist, an aspiring entrepreneur, a cat mom, and a mental health missionary. She recently graduated from college in May of 2021, and has been on a mission since then to work through her core wounds from childhood and early adult life. Alyssa Scolari: After four years of only doing CBT and feeling ready to be deeply challenged, she tried more intensive therapeutic approaches. These include trauma focused treatment centers, family therapy, EMDR, ketamine for major depressive disorder, and the use of a cranial electrotherapy stimulation device called Alpha-Stim. Alyssa Scolari: Sarah recently started a mental health focused Instagram called Vulnerable and Not Afraid, to share her recovery from trauma and educate people on other therapeutic options that have personally helped her. Now, we are talking about a really important topic today, and I know I say that shit every week. So, forgive my redundancy, but you know how I love all things, mental health. Alyssa Scolari: But I think that this is particularly, important because for the last two years on this podcast, we have spoken about therapy and treatment pretty much from like a standard outpatient setting. So, how to process things when you're going to therapy once a week or twice a week in your standard outpatient setting. And that isn't always enough. And there certainly, have been many times where it wasn't enough for me. And I know that there are many people out there that hasn't been enough for either including Sarah. Alyssa Scolari: So, we are talking about different treatment options for when you find yourself in a place where therapy once a week or twice a week is just not enough. So, with that said, I will stop talking and I'm going to turn it over to Sarah. Hi, Sarah, welcome to the podcast. Sarah Tatarski: Hello. I'm excited to be here. Alyssa Scolari: I'm really excited to have you. I know we were actually, supposed to record like a week ago, and then I had COVID and lost my voice and sounded like not even remotely myself. So, thank you for rescheduling and bearing with me. Let's start out by saying, or by me asking you, like, tell me what even makes you passionate about this? If you're comfortable, can you tell me about a little bit of your own experiences? Sarah Tatarski: Yeah, in regards to seeking mental health treatment or my trauma or all of it? What particularly? Alyssa Scolari: Yeah. I think, you have a lot of experience and knowledge on alternative forms of treatment. And so, I guess what my question would be is like, did you get to a certain point in your life where you were like, "Hey, just going to therapy once a week isn't enough for me?" How did you know what was going on in your life? Things like that. Sarah Tatarski: Yeah. So, I've had a couple different, I guess you could say breaking points in my life. The first one was March 2019, and I had to take a medical withdrawal from school, but I instantly, felt better not being in school. The stressors were gone. I said, "Okay, cool. I can manage this." Sarah Tatarski: And I trudged along December 2020 came, I had this dramatic memory that I didn't remember resurface. I was living back at home with my mom and I was just spiraling like crazy. And that's when my... The first time my therapist said, "Sarah, you need to go to this trauma center." And I said, "Eh, we'll see." I told her the memory finally. And then, I felt better again. Sarah Tatarski: And so, I just trudge along, trudge along and finished school. And then, I just completely fell apart because post grad depression is real. I don't think people talk about it enough. They're like, "It's so fun. Oh, my gosh, congrats." And I said, "I'm miserable. And I have no path anymore. And I don't know what the hell I'm doing." And a lot of my friends went through this too, especially us graduated in 2020 and 2021, we were so burnt out from COVID and the huge changes we had to go through. Sarah Tatarski: So, for me, I said, "Oh, I'm going to take a break." And that break turned into me, spiraling constantly. And it just got to a point in end of June where I was not really eating, I wasn't really sleeping. That same memory came nagging at my brain. And my therapist said, "You need to forego your income and just go to a trauma center." And I said, "Okay." Alyssa Scolari: Ah, that's a hard thing to hear. That's a really hard thing to hear. Sarah Tatarski: Yeah, it just got to the breaking point then. And I had moved back home again in May 2021 with my mom, which didn't realize back then, but she was a huge trigger, and I didn't quite grasp why she was. And until later after all these therapies I've done, but I was just absolutely miserable. And I said, "Okay, you know what? I'm finally going to do this. I have the ability to not work. I have really good insurance. I'm going to take advantage of this." Sarah Tatarski: And so, that was the line where I was, I'm just miserable every day in my life to the point where I don't know if I can lip. So, that was my breaking point in June 2021. Alyssa Scolari: So, you're saying like you were at that point where you were like, "I just don't even know if I want to be alive anymore? Like, my safety might be on the line? Sarah Tatarski: Yeah, I think we never struggled with SI, suicidal ideation much, but it was getting to that point where I just felt like, I don't know, can I go forward in life? And that's what motivated me to get different help and more intense help. Alyssa Scolari: Okay. So, I really appreciate that you said that, because I think it's very important to highlight that this country makes it seem like in order. I mean, I guess we can just also start out by saying that the system for higher levels of care, isn't the greatest, it's not the greatest. Alyssa Scolari: And so, on one hand, we shame people from talking about their suicidal thoughts, for fear of them getting locked up. But then, on the other hand, when people have suicidal thoughts, they are often told when they go to a hospital and they want treatment. They're often told, "Well, you actually, have to make an attempt," in order to be hospitalized or in order to not even just be hospitalized, but in order to eventually, get to a treatment center. Alyssa Scolari: So, I think it's really, important that you said, "You know what? I'm not necessarily suicidal. I'm not necessarily a danger to myself, but I'm not okay with the quality of life that I currently have. And therefore, I'm seeking alternative forms of treatment," because you don't have to get to a point where your life is on the line to decide, to seek different forms of treatment. I love that you said that. Sarah Tatarski: Yeah. And definitely, I didn't want to get to that point. And it was teetering between that. I've met friends at my trauma centers who are, have attempted, were attempting, got transferred from intensive care to where I was. And yeah, I don't think it's acknowledged enough that you don't have to be either attempt or actively, planning to seek help because I didn't want to get to that point. I never want to. And I hopefully, never will. Alyssa Scolari: You had mentioned a little while ago that you realized after different types of treatment, that your mom was a trigger for you. And one of the questions I have is, was it difficult for you to go to a treatment while living, because you had lived with your mom while doing some of this treatment, was it difficult to live with somebody who is a trigger while going to a treatment? Because I think a lot of people can probably, relate to that. Sarah Tatarski: Yeah, it was a whole another challenge. I'm in my trauma for, let's see, the first trauma center I went to, I was there from 9:00 to 4:00 p.m. I did therapy three times a week individually. We had groups all day, trauma groups, four times a week and relapse prevention, which was incredible, which by the way, I had no idea what relapse prevention was. And I said, "I don't do drugs." Sarah Tatarski: So, I just laughed it off until I got there and said, "Oh, I have a lot of toxic behaviors that are not related to alcohol or any kinds of other drugs." So, life changing. Alyssa Scolari: Yes. Sarah Tatarski: But just doing that all day and having the realizations that I was having. And then, I come home... And by the way, I didn't mention this. I'm in my childhood house where I experienced my trauma, and that is where I'm living right now. Alyssa Scolari: Oh, my... Okay. Sarah Tatarski: That's a whole another level of, I'm living with a trigger, I'm living in a trigger, and I came home every day and I'm like, "Ah." I'm like running around, like a chicken with its head cut off. I'm freaking out. I can't ground myself. I can't focus on my treatment. And the only relief I got was when I stayed with my friend for a whole week and I was like, "Oh." I can come back, and I just lay in bed. I'm like, "I'm so happy and relaxed." But it was extremely challenging. I don't recommend it. I recommend anyone doing what I did. Alyssa Scolari: Yeah. Sarah Tatarski: I mean, living with your trigger and living in the house you were abused. I recommend trauma treatment. Absolutely. Of course, I wouldn't be on here otherwise recommending it. But it made the process that much harder because there was a point, I told my therapist, I said, "I just want to be a prostitute right now. And move out of my house." And he's like, "Sarah, no." And I'm like, "But that's how I feel." And he said, "I'm not going to act on it." Sarah Tatarski: But that's how overwhelmed I am right now. It's like, I will do anything to get out of my house. Of course, I never acted on it. But that's the thought... Alyssa Scolari: Right. So, the point where... Sarah Tatarski: ... that happened. Alyssa Scolari: ... you're considering. Yeah, you're considering like prostitution or sex work to get out. You're like, "I will do whatever I have to get out of this place." Sarah Tatarski: Which is, there's nothing wrong with sex work. It's just not my... I have too much trauma to engage in that field sex workers. You'll do whatever you want. But yeah, that's just to the point. I was so vulnerable that that's what I was just willing to do. And that's not healthy situation to be in. Alyssa Scolari: I mean, right, exactly. It would be ideal. Again, like you said, there's no issue with sex workers. It's feeling like you're trapped and you're backed into a corner to the point where your only way out is considering an option that you know would be retraumatizing for you. That's when you know all the alarm bells are sounding, you're like, "Okay, I need to do something here." Sarah Tatarski: Exactly. Yeah, it was very intense. Alyssa Scolari: So, then can you talk a little bit about, I guess, let's go in specifically, like where should we start? What type of treatment did you start with? Because I know you've done a couple of different things. Sarah Tatarski: Yeah, there were a lot of things I've done the past year. So, I'll just briefly summarize. And then, if you want to ask more specific questions, we can go from there. But the first thing that I did was in July 2021, I went to a partial hospitalization program at a trauma center here in New Orleans called River Oaks, recommended fully. Sarah Tatarski: So, I wasn't living there. I was there from 9:00 to 4:00 like I had mentioned. You're just there during the day, you don't live in the hospital. It's scary inside. I would not want to... Not wanting to stay there. I did not want to stay there. But... Alyssa Scolari: Scary like hospital setting type like? Sarah Tatarski: Yes, it was cold and there were not a lot of lights, and you went outside or not a lot of windows, and you went outside for like 20 minutes a day. It was like jail. So... Alyssa Scolari: Yes, so many partial hospitalizations, like programs are like that. I've been to one myself and it feels like jail. And I'm like, "Why aren't these a little bit happier? You're trying to help people with their mental health, why do we feel like we're locked up?" Sarah Tatarski: Exactly. So, I did that. And then, once I was done with that program, I started seeing a therapist for EMDR. And then, in December 2021, I went to a residential treatment program called Innova Grace in San Antonio, Texas. And I was doing a lot of EMDR there. I used the [inaudible 00:14:40] bed. I used the Alpha-Stim, which I'm wearing right now, like I mentioned earlier. Sarah Tatarski: And after that, continued to do EMDR, that's what I'm doing with my therapist right now. I started ketamine for major depressive disorder. And now, I'm using the Alpha-Stim again. And forgot to mention on top of that, the past, however many months it's been since August 2021. So, nine months, I've been in family therapy. Sarah Tatarski: So, I'm doing 10 different therapies. And also, I recently, joined Adult Children of Alcoholics group and dysfunctional family. So, I've been going to that support group about every two weeks to every week. So, if you want me to expand on all of that, that's a lot of different treatments that I just mentioned. So, happy to talk about any of it in more detail. Alyssa Scolari: Yes, I have questions. I think the first question is, how did you end up getting involved in, especially in a post COVID world, in Adult Children of Alcoholic support group, because I think that there are many people out there who are listening, who would be very interested in that. Sarah Tatarski: Yeah. So, there are always meetings everywhere in the country and world at all times. And a lot of them are on Zoom now, too, which is great. So, you can just hop on Zoom at any time. And for me, I prefer in-person group. So, I go to the one at the church near my house at 5:00 p.m. on Sundays. Sarah Tatarski: And the way to get involved is to just go to their website, look up Adult Children of Alcoholic/dysfunctional families. And if you want to go to in-person meeting, you can just look up your town and see where it is. And if you don't want to go in-person, you can join literally any group, like from what I've seen online, probably, at least half of them are hybrid. Sarah Tatarski: So, you can go in-person if you want, you can go in Zoom if you want. But oh, when they read the laundry list, I don't know if you've ever read that. It's the 14 traits that you can have as an adult with having a dysfunctional family or an alcoholic. And I fit all 14 traits. So, that's when I knew I belonged. Alyssa Scolari: Oh, I don't think that I've ever read that before, but I bet it would be very jarring for me. Sarah Tatarski: You will be surprised. And when I say all 14 traits, I don't mean I have those now. I mean, at some point in my life, I have all 14 of them. So, even if you have one, I'm pretty sure, they're like, if you have one of these traits, you are welcome here. Alyssa Scolari: Wow. Okay. And for the listeners out there, I will link that in the show notes, the website that you can go and you can check it out because I think it's very important and I know that a lot of you can relate. So, okay, cool. So, thank you for that. Alyssa Scolari: So, now question about, so in terms of EMDR, I have, I think... So, I'm going through EMDR right now and I've been open about my experiences, both on my Instagram and I've shared a little bit on the podcast and we've also had people come on and talk about EMGR. Alyssa Scolari: I guess, the main question I have for you about EMGR because for those of you out there who don't know what it is, I talk about it in depth with a licensed clinical social worker. Her name is Melissa Parks on the podcast, and you can feel free to go and check that out. It is a really fantastic treatment for trauma that focuses on rewiring your nervous system, like your brain. So, for EMGR, did you find that was particularly helpful for you? Sarah Tatarski: It's definitely helped. It's not perfect. Of course, no treatment is perfect, but I've honestly, been only able to work on and am working on two memories. But the thing about these specific memories I'm working on is that, they hold a key to other things that I can't remember. And that's why, my therapist says we're going to keep working on these two. And I'm like, "No, I want to be done with them." Sarah Tatarski: But it's definitely, helped me to calm down in regards to my body not being as reactive. And I've noticed that the first memory that really resurfaced after about eight years and that drove me to get the help that I needed. My reaction to it has gone down a lot. Sarah Tatarski: My bodily reaction, I used to like throw up. I used to not eat. And now, it will come up and I'll be like, "Okay, deep breath. It's okay. You're safe like, that's not happening right now." We've talked... I've talked about it many times. I opened up to friends, I went up to multiple therapists. Sarah Tatarski: And so, I'm able to calm myself down. On the past, I literally, I would line around like running around my house. I don't know what the heck I'm doing. I'm scared, all this stuff. So, I significantly reduce my reactions while, and I don't want people to think that it gets rid of the memory. I think some people are like, "I want to get rid of my memories." And I'm like, "That's not how it works." But it reduces your bodily reaction to it. Sarah Tatarski: And I definitely notice, like I said, I'm not violently reacting, like I used to in the past. So, I found relief with it. My brain also likes to block me thinking about these two particular memories because there's some of the most... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/23842034

Episode 104: Shoplifting: A Response to Psychological Distress with Alyssa Scolari, LPC 07/26/2022

Episode 104: Shoplifting: A Response to Psychological Distress with Alyssa Scolari, LPC Shoplifting and stealing are typically thought of as simple, yet shameful crimes. However, these seemingly simple crimes can be more complex than meets the eye. Tune into this week’s episode to learn about the psychological components of shoplifting and stealing. Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: You can also check out Alyssa at Transcript: Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: What is up, everybody? Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I am your host, Alyssa Scolari, here with you today. We have also my dog Macy, who is chilling out with us, looking out the window in this little... I bought her this cat perch. So if you haven't been on my Instagram and you don't see pictures of Macy, she's a little seven-pound dog, and so she is super tiny and she loves to look out the window, so I bought her a cat perch. She's sitting behind me looking out the window on her little cat perch. And sometimes neighbors will walk by and she'll bark at them and they wave to her from the window. She's like the neighborhood watchdog. So that's where I'm at today. Alyssa Scolari [01:12]: It is Sunday when I am recording this and I have been having a pretty relaxing weekend. I'm feeling pretty antsy today, actually, and I have been reading this book, Where the Crawdads Sing, which I did not know this, but apparently is really trending right now and I understand why, because it is truly one of the best books I've ever read in my life. I am obsessed. I have not been able to put it down and I have like 60 pages left, and I am going to finish it today. I am so excited. It's been nice to be able to read in this ridiculously hot weather. Alyssa Scolari [01:58]: I don't know what the weather is like where you're at, but it is so hot here and it has been so hot with zero relief. Normally it gets really hot, but then you'll have thunderstorms at the end of the day and then things cool off for a little bit and the plants get a ton of water, but there has been no rain, no thunderstorms. It is just oppressive heat and humidity day after day, and it feels like... I honestly think that this is probably day eight or nine at least above 90 degrees Fahrenheit. It's so wild to me because people say global warming's not a thing, but I remember being little and watching the news and people were making such a big deal of three-day heat waves. So if there was going to be a day where it was going to be 90 degrees or above for three days, I think that's what they call a heat wave. I remember people making a huge deal about that being like, "Oh man, three days. This is so dangerous. People are going to have heat strokes and get really sick and suffer heat exhaustion." Alyssa Scolari [03:19]: I don't think anybody imagined back then, whatever it was, 25, 20 years ago that today in 2022, we would have heat waves that last for literally 9, 10 days with zero relief. It's unreal to me. Even my plants are all wilted. No matter how much water we give them, my plants are like, "Fuck this, I'm out." They all look like they're dying and I feel so bad. I have no clue what I can do. So yeah, it is hot as shit outside and I'm over it. I like the summer, but come on. I need at least a thunderstorm. Give me a thunderstorm, because if not, I just have this heat and oppressive humidity. You walk outside and just start sweating. Alyssa Scolari [04:18]: Anyway, I digress. Today we are talking about shoplifting, which at first glance, you might be like, "Why are we talking about shoplifting on a trauma podcast?" And that is because they are related and they go hand-in-hand. Shoplifting or stealing and mental health are really closely related, and shoplifting, like borderline personality disorder that we did last week, is often stigmatized. And understandably so, right? It is a crime. It is against the frigging law to steal, but I think that this conversation today is going to pose an even greater question of how can we look at shoplifting a little bit differently and are we doing the right thing by simply finding these people or just locking them up? Is there something more that we could be doing to help these people? Because I have worked with a lot of people who have gotten in trouble for shoplifting. Alyssa Scolari [05:27]: Before I was in private practice and working for myself, I worked for a local police department and what one of my many jobs was at this police department was to help kids in the community to stay out of the juvenile justice system, so help basically rehabilitate them after they get into trouble. Now, as you can imagine, the majority of the kids that I saw usually got in trouble for some kind of theft or shoplifting, and it begs the question, why are these kids stealing? Because it's not just a fun pastime for these kids. These kids don't want to catch charges. They do not want to be caught up in the juvenile justice system. So what is going on with these kids? Alyssa Scolari [06:23]: Through a lot of my time, not just working with these kids through the police department, but also in going back in my own history, I have been able to put a lot of the pieces together as to what might be happening with so many of these people. And it's not just kids, it's also adults. And it's not just me. There are a lot of other professionals out there who have been exploring the other sides of shoplifting to try to understand what is truly going on. Now, of course we can assign poverty and lower socioeconomic statuses to stealing. I get it. It is impossible to live in today's age. It feels nearly impossible. So I totally understand that. Alyssa Scolari [07:19]: There's the poverty aspect, and then there's also other psychological aspects to it. It isn't just this simple act that we think it is. When we see people who steal, we write them off as bad people. Bad people. And again, yes, stealing is criminalized, but I don't know any one of us who have never broken the law. I don't know any one of us who have never broken the law in some way, shape or form. Alyssa Scolari [07:53]: If you've pulled out your phone to text while you're driving, if you've talked on the phone while you're driving, if you've never stopped or if you haven't stopped fully at a stop sign and you rolled through a stop sign, hey, you broke the law. If the speed limit is 65 miles an hour and you're going 66 miles an hour, hey, you broke the law. And for some reason, it's like we talk about when people break the law in vehicles or people are acting aggressive on the road and we talk about "Well, try to think of it differently. Try to think about that person who blew past the red light or is speeding. Maybe they have a loved one sick and dying in the hospital and they're rushing to get there." And so we try to reframe and find these ways to have compassion for people who are aggressive on the road. And I love that reframe. It's a great reframe. It helps. It helps those of us who are prone to road rage not be so ragey, but why can't we transfer this over to other crimes like stealing? Alyssa Scolari [09:00]: And I'm not talking about all crimes. I'm not saying that we need to have compassion for murderers, but I'm talking about like stealing. Why are there no reframes for that? Why is it that when we hear that somebody steals, we think that they should rot in jail or be fined or be shown a lesson and we want to send these kids to scared straight programs. Why aren't we looking at this any differently? Alyssa Scolari [09:27]: Luckily, I think that a lot of research is starting to look at shoplifting differently, and what we're finding is that it is a coping mechanism. It is a coping mechanism, just like addiction or gambling. It is something that can give people some sense of control, and it also can help them to numb out from problems or pain. And it also can be a cry for help. I wasn't a chronic stealer or anything. I have like two instances in my life where I remember stealing and both of them weren't from stores because I had too much anxiety for that. They were from other people. So one time I stole... I don't know if anybody remembers these candies, they're Warheads and they were really, really sour when you put them in your mouth and then they were super sweet. I'm talking about them now and I really want one. I need to go find them online and see if they still exist, because they were so amazing. But they were super, super sour when you put them in your mouth, and I remember stealing a few of these from, I cannot remember who, I just remember having them in my hand and looking down and kind of having this feeling of like, "Oh, I stole something." Alyssa Scolari [11:00]: At the time, I remember that feeling was like I didn't really even feel that guilty. I felt like I had a sense of control. I was really little. I was under, probably under seven years old. I was maybe five or six and I remember feeling like I finally had a sense of control over what was going on. I did this, I took this. This is mine. And that clearly is rooted in things that are so beyond the stealing itself. This is something that a lot of younger kids will do. They steal not because they're bad kids, and it's also not because they don't know right from wrong and it's not because we don't know consequences. We know that it's wrong, but what is more wrong are the empty feelings that we have inside of us or the chaotic feelings as a result of living in bad environments. Alyssa Scolari [12:09]: Kids who live in frantic, chaotic, and even sometimes violent and abusive households, they yearn for a sense of control. They desire a sense of control. And sometimes being able to steal something, being able to have something that is totally yours is a great way to feel like you're in control. It's a great way to feel like you're separate from your family for a little bit because you are the one who did this. You planned this, you did it, you have it, you succeeded. It is a great way to numb out from what is going on, regardless of the consequences. Kids aren't thinking about the consequences. Their brains are not developed enough. What kids are thinking of is, "Hey, how can I survive? And I know that I can survive if I find some sense of control," and sometimes that control lies within stealing. Alyssa Scolari [13:06]: And then I also stole something from my cousin. I stole a purse from my cousin when I was little. I cannot remember. I know I was under 10. Maybe I was like eight years old. We were at a Super Bowl party and I stole her purse from her. I totally got caught because what eight-year-old can hide a whole purse? And that, I felt horrible. I don't know if I really did it to have a sense of control, maybe I did, but I remember feeling so much guilt and I don't really even know why I did it. I remember being asked why I did it and I truly didn't know then and I don't totally know now, but looking back on it, I am pretty sure that I did it because I was just crying out for help. I was crying out for help. And that is also what shoplifting can be, a cry for help. I want somebody to catch me. I want to be noticed. I want to be seen. I want somebody to look at me and make me feel like I matter. Alyssa Scolari [14:25]: Kids and adults alike, sometimes when we go without this and we feel like we aren't seen or heard, we will make efforts to be seen and heard in any way possible, and that includes breaking the law. Now, luckily it was my family and everybody was super forgiving. I think, I assume so, because I still had a relationship with these people. I didn't steal from any stores, it was just people and it was awful. I gave it back and there was no harm, no foul, but still, it was terrible. It was terrible when I look back on it because I realize that I was in so much pain and so are many people who steal and shoplift. It's just a way to numb out, because in doing it, what happens? Alyssa Scolari [15:25]: Anybody who has stolen anything, I can imagine... I don't really remember feeling like this when I was little, but I can imagine that what you feel is an adrenaline rush. An adrenaline rush, anxiety and you're just so focused on not getting caught that you're not really thinking about anything else. Then when you get away with it, it's a dopamine hit for your brain. And it is very similar with shopping, buying things. When people are sad, they will spend money, call it retail therapy, and then they get it and they feel great for a few days or maybe a few weeks or maybe even a few minutes, depending on what you get, but that wears off and then you're left with those same chronic feelings of emptiness. This is very similar with shoplifting. You steal something and then you have this dopamine hit like, "Oh my gosh, I did it. I got away with it," and then all of a sudden that emptiness comes back and therefore you need to steal something again, so then you get that little dopamine hit in your brain again. Alyssa Scolari [16:37]: Sometimes all of this stealing can mount into a much more serious mental health disorder like kleptomania, which is where you just cannot resist the urge or the impulse to steal things, whether you need them or not. Just because it's there, you have to steal it. And sometimes that's what this can turn into. It still can be a cry for help. It still can be a reaction to psychological stress or trauma and that begs the question, are shoplifting charges good? Is that actually going to teach anybody anything, or do what we need to do instead is teach people better coping skills for how they can deal with their pain, or do we need to be looking at, if it's a child, do we need to be looking at what is going on in the home? Is there trauma? Is there abuse? Is there toxic stress on this child? Should we be checking off all of those boxes before we make the decision whether or not somebody's going to be charged with shoplifting? Alyssa Scolari [17:52]: I don't know. I don't have the answer. I know this is kind of tying into criminal justice reform, but here's the thing, even if you never got caught, that still doesn't mean that your shoplifting doesn't have a psychological impact or isn't rooted in psychological-based issues. It doesn't mean that you're not numbing out just because you've never been caught. If you have had a history of stealing or if you currently have a history of stealing, a lot of times people feel shame about it. And if you feel shame about it, this episode is really to help you put that shame aside and try to look at it from a different lens. Is it that you are a bad kid? Is it that you are a bad person or are you a person who is hurting and is coping by stealing? Alyssa Scolari [18:57]: Ultimately, I don't know the answer. That's something that you can only find within yourself, but I will say this, I have yet to meet a person, child or adult, who steals truly because they just love it as a sport. I have yet to meet somebody like that. Now, my sample size is biased because I see people that come to me for therapy so I'm sure people like that out there exist. In fact, I'm positive people out there like that exist, but those kind of people I don't think are listening to this podcast. So if you are listening to this podcast and you have a history of stealing, I think it begs the question, is there any kind of compassion that you can give yourself? And if you're still actively in your shoplifting or stealing phase, ask yourself what you need. What void is stealing trying to fill for you and how can you fill that void in a safer way? Alyssa Scolari [20:09]: I know for me, I never learned to fill the void, but I was lucky enough that shoplifting didn't become my addiction. Food, eating disorders became my vice, so I ended up filling that void in another way, but a dangerous way as well, but one that was more dangerous to me. So be careful not to fill, not to replace one vice with another vice. What do you need that is going to be healthy for you and the environment around you? I love you. I hope you have a good week and I will be holding you in the light. Alyssa Scolari [20:58]: Thanks for listening, everyone. For more information, please head over to lightaftertrauma.com, or you can also follow us on social media. On Instagram, we are @lightaftertrauma and on Twitter, it is @lightafterpod. Lastly, please head over to patreon.com/lightaftertrauma to support our show. We are asking for $5 a month, which is the equivalent to a cup of coffee at Starbucks. So please head on over. Again, that's patreon.com/lightaftertrauma. Thank you and we appreciate your support. [singing] /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/23841953

Episode 103: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): End the Stigma with Alyssa Scolari, LPC 07/19/2022

Episode 103: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): End the Stigma with Alyssa Scolari, LPC Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD, is arguably the most misunderstood and widely stigmatized mental health disorder. Alyssa is here this week to set the record straight on what this disorder looks like, how it is related to trauma, and why we need to fight the stigma. Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: You can also check out Alyssa at Transcripts: Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of The Light After Trauma podcast. I am your host, Alyssa Scolari. Alyssa Scolari [00:32]: Welcome back, settle in because we have another good episode for you today. I am trying to get settled in as well, trying to get ready to chat with you all about borderline personality disorder, but I hope that everybody is enjoying their summer. I feel like we're at that point in the summer where everything just flies by and make the most of it because I'm already hearing talk about fantasy football and I'm like, "Oh God already, please no." Now summer's not my favorite season by any stretch. I don't love the heat, but I'm also just not quite ready to talk about fall football and all things pumpkin spice flavored. I'm just not, I'm not ready for that at all. So just hold on to every second because summer is flying. Alyssa Scolari [01:34]: I feel like I've been working so much this summer and it's really just on a lot of like future things. I have a really exciting project that I am going to announce in just a few short weeks that we'll be launching in the fall. And then I've just been working on my website stuff and client stuff, and kind of mapping out the future of where I want my practice to go on the podcast. So I feel like it's just been a summer where I've been so busy, and when I'm not busy with work, I have been really busy with EMDR. As many of you know, I'm going through that process. And I know I've said in the past that it has been kicking my butt, but man, I mean it more than ever, I feel like I'm now really in the depths of it, of just going through my memories chronologically and reprocessing them. Alyssa Scolari [02:32]: And I think particularly the last week or so has been really, really difficult. My brain is, and this is what is to be expected, honestly, this just means that I'm doing it right. I mean, if you can do EMDR, right. But this is really what's been happening it feels like my brain is on fire and I'm hypersensitive to everything. So even more so than I was before, every noise, every sound, I'm almost overly reading people's emotions and their facial responses. And this is something that I used to do when I was little because I had a person in my life who was really hot and cold. I never knew what version of them that I was going to get. And so I find that I'm like that even more right now, as I'm reprocessing everything, Alyssa Scolari [03:28]: I'm looking at people like, who are you today? Are you safe today? Are you going to hurt me today? And none of that is even about the present, right? Because I don't have people in my life that are going to hurt me. So I'm really just kind of, not I'm disassociated, or maybe emotional flashbacks. And I'm also having a lot of new memories surface. In the car yesterday we were driving, something was said. And of course, what was said was harmless, but whatever, it did trigger something in me. And then I started having new memories and the memories were auditory. So I could hear things. And it was one of those just really bad PTSD episodes/attacks is what it feels like, where I'm just like, I almost want to put my hands over my ears to stop what I hear, but that's not going to work because the flashbacks are just, it's my brain. Alyssa Scolari [04:33]: And I found myself in EMDR this week while I was reprocessing a memory feeling so much dread because there's so much, I don't remember, but I know is in there. And I found myself almost feeling like, "Oh, this is a movie I don't want to watch." Almost like I was watching a horror movie. I hate horror movies and I will cover my eyes because I'm very scared of them. I have enough anxiety. I don't need a movie to give me more anxiety. So I will always put my hands over my face when I'm watching a horror movie. And this is what that felt like I wanted to just stop and I didn't want to see the rest of the movie. Alyssa Scolari [05:24]: But the movie is reality and there was just so much grief that came with it. And there was a lot of self-compassion, which I think is pretty new for me. I'm not used to having a lot of compassion. I'm used to intellectualizing things and I'm used to finding ways where I was at fault for what happened, but I'm just really developing a lot of compassion for myself. And it's been a beautiful, painful, agonizing thing. And it's also been exhausting. Alyssa Scolari [06:05]: So I'm definitely a little withdrawn. I'm a little isolated and it's really to protect myself. I don't even think it's a bad thing. I think that it's probably best right now if I don't have a ton of contact because I'm already so depleted from this process. So it's taking me a while to respond to people. And really all I want to do is read books because I get to escape that way and play really nontriggering video games and cook good food and do some really slow yoga. Alyssa Scolari [06:45]: That is kind of where I'm at. I'm at how can I do the bare minimum? And I think that's okay. I'm okay with that. I'm okay. I'm okay with that. You know, I say maybe I'm trying to convince myself I'm okay with it because I'm one of those over-functioners, so it is a little bit hard for me to be still in my grief, but I'm doing my best to just let it wash over me. And it is, and it's so random, right? Alyssa Scolari [07:16]: Sitting in the car yesterday, this was a completely separate incident. We're in the car. My husband runs into the store to grab something. I stay in the car and when he comes back in five minutes, I'm sobbing. I am hysterically crying and shaking. And he was like, "What is wrong?" And it was just like I got hit with this wave of grief. Alyssa Scolari [07:39]: And I have to say, I'm really proud of myself because I'm not running from it anymore. And normally I would run from it. I would pick up my phone and maybe go on social media to try to distract from feelings or turn on the radio. And, and I did for a second, I turned on the radio when I felt all those feelings creeping in. And I was like, "Nah, let me listen to music. I don't want to feel this." And then I was just like, "Alyssa, you don't have to run from this. It's not going to kill you." I actually said that out loud to myself and I just let the tears come and I sobbed and it moved through me and then I was able to manage the rest of the day. Alyssa Scolari [08:27]: So I'm hanging in there. This is, I think, one of the best things I've ever done for myself, as hard as it is I know it's exactly where I need to be right now. So I am so proud of myself for all of the work that I am doing. I'm just so proud. I'm really proud that's all I can say. I've worked so hard and it's going to make me a happier human being and it's going to make me an even better therapist and yeah, yeah. That's where I'm at. So that being said, we will close up the corner on my life updates and now let's just dive into what we're talking about today because we're talking about borderline personality disorder. Alyssa Scolari [09:16]: It's also often referred to as BPD, and maybe you have been diagnosed with this and if you haven't been diagnosed with it, then I'm sure you've heard of it because it's one of, well, I think it's the most highly stigmatized of the mental health disorders in existence to the point where a lot of therapists refuse to work with somebody if they even utter the words BPD or the acronym BPD or the words borderline personality disorder, not every therapist, but a lot of therapists. Alyssa Scolari [09:51]: And I can even recall so much stigmatization when I was learning about it, even as a grad school student. So the stigma is quite literally in the system, right? I was taught the stigma. I was taught to believe the stigma when I was a grad school student. And, I definitely had, again, not every professor. I had amazing professors where I went to school, but I did have one professor who I specifically remember was like, "You are going to really have a hard time ever having successful treatment with somebody who has this kind of disorder." And quite honestly, I know now that is not true. And I wish I could go back and tell that professor that they were just projecting their own frustrations. Perhaps they've been diagnosed with this disorder, or perhaps they worked with people in their practice who were diagnosed with this disorder and didn't have a good outcome, but I will continue to talk about that a little bit. Alyssa Scolari [10:53]: But first, you might notice the term personality disorder, right? And it's like, "What does that mean?" Because it's much more clear what anxiety disorders and depressive disorders are, but what does it mean to have a personality disorder? Basically, there are personality disorders, and then there's everything else. That's kind of how it's separated in the DSM, which is the book that has all of the mental health diagnoses. Alyssa Scolari [11:23]: What makes a personality disorder different is that this is thought to be like a lifelong long-term pattern of behaviors that cause distress and dysfunction. This person's behaviors deviate outside of the cultural norm and it's typically something that starts either in adolescence or very early adulthood. And it's kind of thought that personality disorders are much more difficult to treat because these patterns of behavior are much more inflexible. It's just deeply rooted in who somebody is. Alyssa Scolari [12:06]: So that is what kind of separates personality disorders versus mood disorders, anxiety disorders, what have you. Now borderline personality disorders specifically, because there are a few, right? Borderline's not the only one there's, narcissistic personality disorder, there's an obsessive-compulsive person of personality disorder, and OCD, basically obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, which this is just an interesting little fact is having OCD but not seeing a problem with the OCD and therefore not wanting to change. That is one of the biggest differences between somebody who has obsessive-compulsive personality disorder versus obsessive-compulsive disorder. So I find that very interesting and I don't know if I buy into that totally because I have people who technically meet the criteria for OCD or for obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, right? They have OCD tendencies but they don't really see a problem and don't want to fix it, but it's not really causing a whole lot of distress. Alyssa Scolari [13:23]: I don't know. I don't know. That's a topic for another time. We'll talk about it later. I have to give it some more thought, but going back to BPD. So BPD is basically characterized by having to meet at least five of the following requirements. So first we have chronic feelings of emptiness, and then there's emotional instability in the way that you react to regular day-to-day events, maybe having major episodes of sadness or rage or severe anxiety. Next is frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. So you spend so much of your time trying to avoid feeling any feelings of possible abandonment, a disturbance in your identity or an unstable sense of self or an unstable self-image. Alyssa Scolari [14:26]: There's impulsive behavior in at least two areas that could be self-damaging. So this can include substance abuse, driving recklessly, binge eating, and having risky sex. I'm not, not just having sex, but, risky sex, maybe sex with multiple partners or having sex a lot with no protection. Spending lots of money. So if you're just living paycheck to paycheck, or maybe you're gathering a bunch of credit card debt, those kinds of impulsive behaviors. Alyssa Scolari [15:02]: Intense anger, anger that is so intense that it doesn't necessarily match the situation at hand or issues with controlling your anger, explosive anger, getting into fights a lot, whether physical or verbal. Having unstable interpersonal relationships. So unstable relationships with the people in your life. Difficulty keeping friendships. Difficulty with family members, difficulty with maintaining healthy relationships. Suicidal behavior, suicidal gestures, self-harming, threats, threats of suicide, and usually severe dissociative symptoms. So dissociation is a form of disconnection. It's a form of almost checking out mentally so that you don't have to be present. Alyssa Scolari [16:02]: Dissociation is typically a trauma response. And I know we talked about this a few episodes ago, how sometimes dissociation can be a healthy thing in very moderate amounts, but this is more like dissociative symptoms as a reaction to trauma, or as a reaction to something, some kind of intense situation. Alyssa Scolari [16:26]: Another thing that I think ties into all of that is folks who have borderline personality disorder will often engage in something called splitting. And basically what that means is you see the world in a very black and white manner. So it's things are kind of all or nothing. People are either amazing or they're absolutely horrible devils. An experience you had was either the best thing you've ever experienced in your entire life, or it was so bad it was absolutely the worst ever. And so there's really just no middle ground for people who experience borderline personality disorder. Alyssa Scolari [17:06]: So all of those symptoms that I just read off to you, right? You have to meet five of them in order to meet the criteria to be diagnosed with this disorder. Now, if you meet these criteria for two weeks, and then you no longer meet this criteria, you don't have borderline personality disorder. This is a pattern of behavior that stretches over a long period of time, if not lifelong. So in fact, borderline personality disorder and all of the personality disorders, you typically can't get diagnosed with one of them until you're about 18 years old because your personality is still developing. I kind of think that's a little bit of bullshit and I think that it should be at least 25 years old until you're diagnosed with a personality disorder because our brains haven't even fully developed until that age. So when you're diagnosing somebody at 18 years old with a personality disorder, know their brains aren't even fully developed. Alyssa Scolari [18:15]: So how do you know? How, how do you know, right? The criteria for BPD is, one of them is, impulsivity. Well, guess what? At 18 years old, your prefrontal cortex isn't fully developed and your prefrontal cortex is what governs impulsivity. It's what helps stop impulsivity. So I sort of feel like it's stupid, but what do I know? I'm just a low old therapist over here. But here is where I start to get really worked up about borderline personality disorder and it is because of the stigma. Alyssa Scolari [18:52]: You can Google this any day of the week and you will find several articles about how borderline personality disorder is one of the most stigmatized, misunderstood, mental health disorders in the profession. And it isn't just misunderstood among doctors and regular society. It is misunderstood by therapists and it is a diagnosis that is handed to people, very haphazardly by therapists and professionals who truly don't know much about this disorder at all. Alyssa Scolari [19:35]: And it infuriates me. And this has been my experience with BPD. So I'll talk a little bit about the stigma, just that I've experienced through my own journey of health. Alyssa Scolari [19:47]: So when I first started out in an eating disorder treatment center, I met with a psychiatrist. I met with him probably for 20 minutes, and it was my first time ever meeting with a psychiatrist. And he asked me a few things. And then he looked at me, he didn't make eye contact with me the entire time we were talking. And then at the end, he looked at me and he went, "You have borderline personality disorder and you need to be on this, this, and this medication. And do you have any questions?" Now I had no clue what he was talking about. I had loosely heard of the term, but I don't even think I was in grad school yet, or maybe I had just started grad school. So I really didn't know much at all. Alyssa Scolari [20:44]: So I kind of was labeled that. He didn't know me. He had no clue about my history of trauma. He was just like, "Oh, okay. This is what you have." And I didn't know then the stigma of that disorder. And honestly, I had just kind of forgotten about it. I hated where I went to treatment. So I just got through it. I kind of wrote the whole place off. Looking back at that now it infuriates me that somebody could talk to you for 20 minutes and give you a personality disorder. You have no clue what that person's patterns are, their behaviors. How could you diagnose somebody with that after 20 minutes? Alyssa Scolari [21:37]: But I do remember that there was one instance where I was with one of the employees who worked at this place and this person was talking about borderline personality disorder and this person said, very matter of fact, "There's no treatment for it. You can't get better. All you can really do is manage it. You'll have this forever. And it's really hard to ever have any kind of good relationships with this disorder." And she's just said it very flat. And so I remember thinking like, "Oh my God, if I really do have this, I'm going to be alone forever. I'm never going to be in a marriage. I'm never going to have friends. Holy crap, this is awful." And I kind of almost, not made it a self-fulfilling prophecy, because that didn't really happen for me. I was able to sort of see over time that was such a horrible thing and a very hurtful thing that she said, but it really brought me down. And it really made me question my future for a while. Alyssa Scolari [22:54]: So moving on, then eventually I graduate from treatment and I find a regular outpatient therapist and I am going to see her and I like her, and she's cool. And about a few months in, this therapist, I noticed, starts talking more about herself than me. And she talks about the other people that she sees and doesn't give me specifics but tells me way more than is actually appropriate. And she works with sex offenders and she's talking to me about them and how a lot of people can't do the work that she does. And then she goes, "But at least I don't have to work with the borderlines because as you'll see in grad school, they're a nightmare." And I was horrified that a therapist could say that about humans, absolutely horrified. First of all, the borderlines, like so nasty, just that language. It was awful. Alyssa Scolari [24:10]: So eventually I fell away from that therapist and I found myself with another therapist and this therapist and I had spoken extensively about the diagnosis of BPD. And this therapist had sort of like told me, "Yeah, I really don't see that in you. You really don't have any of that." And I was kind of like relieved because there was so much stigma that was surrounding this diagnosis, that it almost became this game of how can I not have this disorder as opposed to how can I fix my trauma? And so this therapist was like, "Yeah, you really don't have that."... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/23770460

Episode 102: What to Expect from the Healing Process with Alyssa Scolari, LPC 07/12/2022

Episode 102: What to Expect from the Healing Process with Alyssa Scolari, LPC Everyone's journey to heal looks a little bit different, but it is important to have a general knowledge of what to expect as well as the beauty that comes from putting in the hard work. Alyssa pulls from both her experience as a trauma therapist and her personal experience with recovering from an eating disorder and complex PTSD to discuss patterns she has noticed as we move along in our healing journeys. Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: You can also check out Alyssa at Transcript: Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hey friends. What's up? Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I am your host, Alyssa Scolari, and we are going to get right into it today. So, this episode topic was actually Dave's idea. So if you don't like it, blame Dave. No, I'm kidding. But seriously, it was his idea, and it's something that I have been wanting to do for a while. And it's like, I guess I struggled with it because I feel like everybody's healing journey is different. Alyssa Scolari [01:04]: With that being said, I think through my experience as a therapist and through my own healing journeys and through having friends, and other colleagues in the field who have gone through their own healing journeys, I notice very similar patterns throughout the journey, and I wanted to talk about those today. Right? Because I think that a lot of people assume when they sign up for ... not when they sign up, but if you decide that you want to start healing, whether it's from your eating disorder or trauma or addiction, right, I think that people have this idea that when they start therapy, and this is me assuming that this is like you going to a standard once a week therapist. Right? I think people assume that when you start therapy, it only can get better from the moment you start. Alyssa Scolari [02:05]: Like once you make that decision to begin your healing process, a lot of people have this idea that it's like, "Well, things are only going to get better." And unfortunately not to burst anybody's bubble, I don't see that it works like that. It certainly didn't work like that for me. And for a lot of folks that I know, and that I have worked with who have complex trauma, that definitely has not been the case. Now, if somebody is coming in with standard PTSD, right, there's been a singular incident in which they are struggling. Yes, that certainly can be the case once you start therapy, things can get better. But what I'm talking about here is healing from complex trauma. And that process does not look like, "Oh, I started therapy and now I feel so much better." It is much, much different. Right? Alyssa Scolari [03:07]: And because a lot of people will ask us, "Well, you've been in therapy for three months, don't you feel better?" And I think those of us that perhaps live with people who don't understand complex trauma or who don't get how therapy works, we have people say things to us like, I know my mom used to say this to me, not all the time, but every once in a while, she'd be like, "Do you feel like your therapist is helping at all?" And it's just like, "I don't know how to answer that because it's not that my therapist wasn't helping, it's just that there's so much that it's hard to know, three months into therapy, if anything is helping." And that's just not what people expect. People look at it very similar to maybe going to a doctor. Right? "Well, you've been seeing this doctor for three weeks, so why hasn't your arthritis flare gone down or whatever the heck it may be?" Alyssa Scolari [04:08]: So I'm here to get pretty real and raw with you about what the healing journey actually looks like. And also just what it has looked like for me and where I'm at right now. I believe that healing is lifelong. And with that said, though, I don't believe that your suffering is lifelong. I think there is certainly happiness to be found, even if you aren't a 100% healed, because honestly, can any of us be a 100% healed? I mean, just look at what's going on in the world. Alyssa Scolari [04:43]: I think all of us have experienced collective trauma from the mass shootings, our children being gunned down, rights being taken away. Like how can we live through all this stuff? Right? A global pandemic and then say, "Oh, I'm completely healed." That's the thing about trauma, is that it doesn't go away. It's not like once we've been traumatized once, well, that's it, and we never ever experience any trauma. We will experience it down the road. And that will probably further our healing in some way. Alyssa Scolari [05:23]: Now, again, please don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying that you have to continue to be traumatized in order to heal. But what I'm saying is life is fucking hard. And so, you can't get to a place where you're 40 and you're like, "Oh, I've completely healed." And expect that nothing traumatizing or triggering is going to affect you for the rest of your life. I just don't think that's realistic. So, many people when they come to me and this is myself included, they don't usually walk in the office. Again, this was the case for me. I didn't walk into my therapist's office saying I have complex trauma and I need help with this. Hey, some people do do that, and that's amazing. Alyssa Scolari [06:16]: But typically, we don't even realize we have complex trauma. And instead what we think we want help with is whatever vice we have turned to to be able to cope with what we're not dealing with, with what we're not feeling, our eating disorder serves as a numbing tool. Your addiction serves as a numbing tool, whatever it may be, even I believe this, right, anxiety disorders, like OCD serves as a numbing tool. Many therapists agree with me, a lot of people, I think treat OCD as just this singular disorder that's like, you have to combat the obsessions. Right? You have to just not give in. And once you do that, then your OCD will go away. Alyssa Scolari [07:13]: I don't necessarily believe that to be true. I actually just took a training, where this woman said that, she works with OCD and she basically was like, "The only treatment for this is having people not give in to their obsessions." And yes, that is super important, but I think a lot of OCD specialists are going to say that, that need for control with OCD is almost always rooted in some kind of trauma. So, I actually don't know what the research is on that, and I will look into it, but in all of the work that I've done and just talking to other OCD specialists, that's what people would agree on. Alyssa Scolari [07:59]: So even so many disorders can be a reaction, not just eating disorders and addiction, but OCD, or perhaps social anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, all of these things can likely, not always, be linked to some type of trauma. So most people, when they go into therapy, they are looking to treat the symptom of their trauma, and that symptom is another disorder. For me, it was an eating disorder. I struggled with an eating disorder, I mean, my whole life. I started counting points probably as early as eight years old, and I just struggled my entire life with ... Alyssa Scolari [08:50]: I was overweight and everybody in my family was on Weight Watchers, and everybody used to tell me that our family had a weight problem and that we needed to be dieters our whole lives. So I just thought from very early on that I needed to restrict my food intake. And then as I was older, that led to binge eating. So I would sneak food. I have this one distinct memory. I don't think I've talked about this on this podcast. I've talked about it when I was a guest on Guy Macpherson's The Trauma Therapist, but this specific memory I was really young. I can't remember how old, but I remember I took a stick of butter from the fridge and I went and hid in the garage, and I was just eating a stick of butter. Alyssa Scolari [09:43]: So, that's where all of my restriction led me as just a little kid. And so, basically I spent 20 years up a hundred pounds down, a hundred pounds every new diet. And when I would gain weight, people really ignored me. I felt super ignored and unseen, but as soon as I lost weight, everybody praised me. I was well known in my town for being this huge success story. People wanted to know how I did it, where I got the willpower from. I was fucking dying, and I wish I could go back to all those people now and tell them I was fucking dying. Alyssa Scolari [10:30]: Of course, I can't do that, but when I went into therapy, that is what I wanted help with. I wanted help on how to let go of my eating disorder. Because at that point I was binging almost daily, and I just couldn't stop myself. I felt like I had no control, and I would just pray day after day. Like, "Please let me get rid of this eating disorder." So that's how I started out. I want to get rid of this eating disorder. And over time my eating disorder started to go away. I remember sitting in my therapist's office and I would say to her like, "Why can't this eating disorder just be gone?" And she would be like, "Because it's not about the food." Alyssa Scolari [11:21]: And I would get so mad at her because I would be like, "Are you fucking dumb? Yes, it is about the food, stop fucking telling me it's not about the food." And as much as I hate to admit this, she was absolutely right. It was not about the food for me. It was about trying to numb out what I was feeling. And how I came to learn this is because I started to look at what was happening during those moments I was binge eating, and a lot of times it would be after something upsetting happened. Maybe I got yelled at by my boss, or I had a fight with my mom or things were really bad at home. And I would be sitting at the drive through, in some kind of fast food restaurant eating until I could not breathe. Alyssa Scolari [12:16]: That is how I started to learn, "Oh, okay. I don't think the problem is that I don't have willpower, I think the problem is I'm really trying to numb out." For me it was anger. I am a chronic people pleaser. Well, I'm a recovered people pleaser, but I was a people pleaser back then. And so when I had bad feelings, it was never safe for me to show them. So I stuffed my feelings down with food. At the same time, I had internalized so much fat phobia and diet culture that I hated eating. So, I would do my best then to restrict and starve, but then when I starved, it worked out for me because all of my hunger cues shut off and I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't feel anything in my body. Alyssa Scolari [13:16]: So I definitely couldn't feel anger or rage or depression or sadness. So I started to learn in that process that my eating disorder was deeply tied to my emotions. And that is the case for so many people, they come in with whatever disorder it is they might be struggling with. And then they start to unpack it and they start to realize the emotional ties between their disorder, their vice and their emotions. They realize that connection. Now I wish I could say that it got better from here, because it sounds great. You're like, "Oh, wonderful. I realized I made this connection. Well, now I can just heal." But it actually doesn't work like that in my experience, this is where things get really hard. Alyssa Scolari [14:10]: In terms of a timeline, it's really hard to give a timeline, because everybody is so different. For me, it happened probably a year into therapy. For the people that I work with, it usually takes a couple of months. So it's really different for everybody, and I can't give a timeline, unfortunately, but it does start getting harder because then what happens is, people start to let go of their defenses or their vices. Alyssa Scolari [14:48]: And I started to let go of my eating disorder. I started to become more in tune for the first time in probably 20 years, I started to become more in tune with my emotions. And now this is also what happens with so many of the people that I work with. They start to become more in tune with their feelings, and it feels like the pits of hell. And I don't even think that is an exaggeration. If you have been through it, you understand, because you're letting go of your coping mechanism. Alyssa Scolari [15:24]: And so now all that's there are the feelings that you have been running from for however long. And so it doesn't feel like, "Oh, yay. I'm in touch with my feelings again." It feels like, "Oh my God, these emotions are going to kill me." And I think that that's actually understandable because your brain is just trying to keep you alive. Your brain is a beautiful, wonderful thing. Kiss your brain, that is what my husband's old boss always used to say, "Kiss your brain, kiss your brain." And my husband now says it to me all the time. If I'm having a really bad day and I'm like, "Ah, I wish I didn't have a traumatized brain." He'll be like, "You kiss your brain." Alyssa Scolari [16:02]: Because my brain has worked so hard to keep me alive, and so has yours. It is a beautiful thing that your brain does where it blocks out feelings because those feelings are so intense that we feel like they're going to kill us. Now, they're not going to, especially if you are in a place where you are surrounded with support and safety. Right? If you have a therapist who is well versed in trauma, then you are okay, as long as you have a good connection with this therapist. Alyssa Scolari [16:32]: I had a therapist who was well versed in trauma, and it was a fucking nightmare. That was before, I now have two therapists, as many of you know, because I'm doing EMDR right now. And both of my therapists are the bomb. So anyway, this is when things get really difficult. You might find yourself really depressed, you might find yourself crying all the time, you might find yourself fully in touch with a rage that feels so intense. It feels like you might lose your mind. This is where coping skills are so effective. Alyssa Scolari [17:12]: I hate when therapists just talk about coping skills being the be all end all therapy, learn some coping skills. Because if you are not allowing yourself to feel your feelings and truly feel them, then you are honestly not going to really need those coping skills, because you're never going to let go of your eating disorder or your addiction. Right? Coping skills when it comes to complex trauma recovery are crucial when you let go of your other disorders or your other vices and become fully in touch with your emotions. Because at this point, what you're doing is you've shifted from eating disorder recovery or addiction and you have now shifted into trauma work. You are now taking a look at all of the people in your life and the patterns and the behaviors that have led up to this point. And it can feel so overwhelming. Alyssa Scolari [18:22]: I know we've talked about this before. Some people don't even remember until they start doing the trauma work. And then they have all of these new memories that come to the surface and they learn things that they weren't even sure really happened, maybe they might have thought happened, but they always told themselves, "No, there's no way that happened." It's learning about your past and seeing it in a much different light. And it is absolutely terrifying and heartbreaking and infuriating, and sometimes it feels like there's nothing you can do, but sit back and watch the last, I don't know, let's say 30 years of your life unfolds in a way you've never seen it unfold before. Alyssa Scolari [19:13]: And I say this not because I want to deter you from making the decision to heal, it is the best decision ever. I say this because I want there to be realistic expectations about what it is like. In fact, when people start to get fully in touch with their trauma and the feelings behind it, oftentimes those defenses or those vices or those other disorders will come back tenfold, because your brain is just doing what it knows how to do best, which is protect you. So my brain, right, let's say like my eating disorder and my OCD, because those are two of my vices, that is what always comes back to the surface. Through EMDR right now, I am processing memories. Alyssa Scolari [20:05]: I've talked about EMDR in previous episodes, it's been awesome so far. I'm still very new at it. So, I will talk more about it. But when I am getting in touch with a lot of these little childhood memories, I will notice that my OCD will spike through the roof. Like last night I was having a literal knock on wood. If you've seen the movie, Encanto, and you've seen Bruno is his name, and you've seen like he will knock on wood at different parts of the movie. That can be a part of OCD, and that certainly is for me, I have to knock on wood when I have a thought. And like last night I was knocking on wood because I kept having all of these thoughts. And I was like, "Man, this is getting bad." Alyssa Scolari [20:59]: My OCD popped back up because I was processing a really painful childhood memory, and my brain was like, "What are you doing? We don't think of this stuff. We don't feel these feelings. I'm going to need you to stop, and I'm going to distract you from these feelings with this OCD." And for people with eating disorders, it's the same thing. Once people start to get fully in touch with their trauma and the pain that comes with that, I often see them they'll come into my office and they'll be like, "I've been thinking about stepping on the scale again, or I've been thinking about starting a new diet, or I need to get myself to the gym more often." And it's all distraction. It's all distraction to help you really manage or avoid the pain that you're feeling about the other stuff that is going on. Alyssa Scolari [21:58]: So, it gets worse before it gets better, because this is the point in your healing journey, where you no longer can avoid knowing about your past and maybe some family stuff, but you also are just afraid to move forward. And it can be a really sticky time for folks. It was a really sticky time for me. And unfortunately, when I was at this place, I didn't have a therapist who was safe, and this therapist was pushing me in ways that I should have never been pushed. And I almost lost my life in the process quite literally. Alyssa Scolari [22:38]: So, I can't emphasize enough the importance of being with somebody that you truly feel safe with and somebody who isn't going to push you, is going to meet you exactly where you're at. Unless of course, you're engaging in behaviors that could end your life, then yeah, your therapist is going to need to push you. But when I say push, I mean, your therapist should not be pushing you to talk about memories or family stuff. If you ever have a therapist that says, "You got to talk about this stuff in order to feel better." No, you do not. If your therapist says that, get up and walk right the fuck out. Because that is what was told to me and forcing myself to speak about things prematurely, literally almost took my life away. Alyssa Scolari [23:25]: So, just a little caveat there, but yeah, this is when it gets difficult. This is when it gets really, really hard, but you can get through it because this is when you learn, A, coping skills, but B, how to be your own best friend advocate and parent. A lot of us with complex trauma, we look back on our childhoods and we are devastated because we see that there was nobody there for us. But what we do through this next part of the healing process is we learn how... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/23709761

Episode 101: How to Cope When the Worlds Feels Unsafe with Alyssa Scolari, LPC 07/05/2022

Episode 101: How to Cope When the Worlds Feels Unsafe with Alyssa Scolari, LPC The last several years have given way to an onslaught of devastating and frightening tragedies in our world. When it all feels like too much, we need ways to find safety and security once more. Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: You can also check out Alyssa at Transcript: Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hey friends. Alyssa Scolari [00:24]: Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I am your host Alyssa Scolari, and we are now on episode 101, baby. I am so excited. I hope that everybody has had a great week so far. It feels like forever since I've recorded an episode, it's only been really a week and a half, but so much has happened in the world since I last recorded an episode and I originally had other plans for what I was going to talk about today. But I think with recent events, it is really important that I talk about how to cope when it feels like the world is falling apart. I feel really, really lucky because I have the most amazing people who listen to this podcast. And I have not been pressured by any of you to talk about what is going on in the United States, particularly the Roe v. Wade being overturned. Alyssa Scolari [01:36]: I know that with a lot of people who have public platforms, people who follow them or listen to them, people are demanding that others speak about it and they're judging them for not having spoken about it. And I feel really grateful that has not been the case for me. And I will say this with regards to that, just because somebody's not speaking about it on a social media platform doesn't mean that they don't have feelings about it, right? Roe v. Wade was only overturned a few weeks ago at this point, or maybe a week and a half ago at this point. I'm not even sure, but it's going to take some time for people to be able to process how they feel about it. And the overturning is very triggering for people who have... Well, it's very triggering for pretty much anyone with a uterus, but it is especially triggering for people who have a history of sexual abuse, right? Alyssa Scolari [02:47]: Our bodies have already been taken from us. We have already had somebody else have more control over our bodies than we have. So for Roe v. Wade to be overturned and for people to say that it is okay for states to completely ban abortion, it almost feels like we are being victimized all over... I mean, we are being victimized all over again, and it's very re-victimizing of our sexual abuse. So try to be mindful of that, right? If somebody's not saying something about it, that doesn't mean that they don't feel strongly about it. It doesn't mean that they're ignoring it. What that might mean is that they are so deeply triggered by it, that they just can't, right? Because especially when you put yourself out there in any kind of public platform, you are bound to have criticism and you are bound to have people who are going to say things that are hurtful, people that might disagree. Alyssa Scolari [03:50]: And while that might be okay, if you have deep traumatic ties to a certain topic, honestly, it might not be safe for you to share that publicly. So just give one another grace right now. I feel like I'm preaching to the choir. I don't even have to tell you all because you all have been absolutely amazing in not asking me to speak up about this. And so I have been able to take some time and I have been able to get to a place where I am able to publicly say, I am so not okay with what is happening in this country. And anybody who knows a shred about me can already have guessed that. I am horrified. I am triggered beyond belief, the right to abortion. It is not a right, it's not a constitutional right anymore. And it has been so hard for me to wrap my head around. Alyssa Scolari [04:58]: And it's also been very overwhelming for me as a therapist to have to go into my office, right? Because the overturning was on Friday, June 24th. And then on Monday, I had to go into the office and I had to talk to a person upon person who has deep seated feelings and is extremely triggered by the overturning. And I haven't even processed it for myself. So I have been just inundated with reactions to this and I'm handling it the best that I can, but there's just no part of me that is okay. It is so scary for so many people out there. And some people are celebrating, right? Some people are celebrating, but I think so many of us, and I know many people who listen to this podcast, are mourning. We're mourning. We are terrified about what this means. We are triggered because now we feel like we have no control over our bodies anymore. Alyssa Scolari [06:08]: It's been really, really bad. And unfortunately bad has only turned to worse, right? We thought that it couldn't get any worse on June 24th when they overturned Roe v. Wade. But now see what else the Supreme Court is considering. The Supreme Court is going to look at LGBTQ rights. They're going to decide whether or not businesses are allowed to ban or discriminate against people in the LGBTQ community. That is being considered. They are also considering whether they are going to allow states to overturn federal elections. That is another thing that's being considered. And I kind of struggle a lot with what all of this means. So I try to do a lot of research and I've done a lot of research, but then I also try to ask other people in my life who I know are well read on it and who understand a little bit better than I do, because I am not the best at understanding this stuff, right? Alyssa Scolari [07:16]: And as an aside, I also want to say this, I see a lot of people saying things like how could you not understand what this means? Or how could you not understand? How could you not have seen this coming? And I understand that to a certain degree. What I want to say about that is this. Please do not assume that everybody was present and/or able to pay attention in school when we were being taught about the checks and balances of our government, of our country. Alyssa Scolari [07:57]: Please don't assume that everybody was able to do that, right. Maybe you were there and maybe you listened and you paid attention and you understood it. And it came super easily to you. But what about the kids who couldn't show up at school because they had to stay home sick, taking care of their parents or taking care of their siblings because their parents weren't available or they had to take care of grandma, or they didn't live with mom and dad, or what about the kids who did show up in school, but they had undiagnosed ADHD to the point where they couldn't even pay attention, they couldn't listen. Alyssa Scolari [08:29]: Or they had trauma and they were too busy trying to process their trauma to be able to listen about the checks and balances in this country, right. What about the people that don't have internet access that cannot read up on this stuff themselves? What about the people that are so busy living paycheck to paycheck, that they don't have time to understand how our system of checks and balances work in this country. Please keep that in mind and perhaps talk to other people about these topics because people are so quick to say things like, how could you not have known? How do you not understand how our government works? Why do you even live in this country if you don't understand how our government works? So many people don't, right. And I, to a degree, struggle so much with how things work. Alyssa Scolari [09:19]: So going back to the Supreme Court, now hearing a case about whether or not it's going to be okay for the states to overturn federal elections. Basically what that means is our system of checks and balances could be taken away in the sense that states get to regulate elections, they get to regulate... They have a lot more power over elections, but also states have the power to say, oh, well, we suspect that there was fraud here. And because there was fraud, we are going to throw out these votes, or we're going to say that the result is null and void and we have to vote again. Or no, no, no, they didn't win. They did, right. So basically the states can kind of alter the results based on their own agenda. Alyssa Scolari [10:19]: And there's really nobody that can back them up. There's no court, there's no higher court to be like, okay, well show us the evidence that says that this election was fraudulent, right? Show us the evidence. There's really nobody that's doing that. Basically the states just get to decide. And that is a really frightening thing because essentially it can make our votes meaningless if the state already has their own agenda. Now none of these things have actually been overturned yet, right? So I do not want to cause panic where we don't need to be panicked because right now there are other things that have been overturned that we need to be panicking about. But people are talking about this stuff and anxiety and depression is at an all time high. Suicide rates are on the rise and things are looking grim. It is my hope that just because the Supreme Court is looking at the stuff that it doesn't necessarily mean these things are going to be overturned. Alyssa Scolari [11:30]: They're just looking at it. And it is my hope that they're going to be like, this is ridiculous. And they're just going to throw it out. That is my hope. But that was also our hope with Roe v. Wade. So we don't know. Life is really scary right now. It is so, so, so scary. And I know that I've been talking about a lot of this, but I do not want this whole episode to be talking about all the things that can continue to go wrong in this country because things are going wrong so often. And these are really dark times in our country. What I want to talk about is how to cope, because if you are anything like me, you are struggling to cope. I've been having a really hard time. And I know that the people around me have been having a really hard time. Alyssa Scolari [12:25]: And I know that the people I work with are having a really hard time. So I want to talk about today, how we can get through this what feels like a never ending nightmare. There is a pressure I.n the media, in social media and in the world right now to be on all of the time to be up to date on the latest news, the breaking news, what's happening, who said this, who said that. It is so much pressure in itself. And I want you to know that you are not any less of an activist, you are not any less of a supporter if you are not on all the time. In fact, I am here to encourage you to please take a break because we need it. We are all so tired and exhausted and burnt out from excessive media and bad news after bad news after bad news, not just in the year 2022, it has been three years of horror, right? Alyssa Scolari [13:44]: In 2019, it was like everybody was talking about this COVID virus and will it, won't it reach the United States and we're tracking this, but the numbers are low. And then 2020 hit. And it was like the whole world is shutting down. And since then it has just been an onslaught of death and chaos and destruction and bad news. And nobody, I mean, nobody is meant to be absorbing this amount of information day in, day out for years on end. It is chronic, toxic stress and trauma. And it doesn't surprise me that suicide rates are on the rise. It doesn't surprise me that the rate of mental health disorders, that the rate of PTSD is through the fucking roof right now. Alyssa Scolari [14:38]: But if you're listening to this and this information is ringing true for you, and you're like, oh yeah. Oh yeah. That's how I'm feeling, I am just so done with all of it. I need to tell you that it's okay to dissociate. And that might seem like Alyssa, what the fuck, right? What do you mean, dissociation is a trauma response. Not always, not always. Dissociation or dissociation or dissociation. People say it many, many different ways. And I say dissociate, but some people say it differently. I actually don't know what the correct pronunciation is. I've seen multiple different pronunciations for it. So if somebody could tell me what exactly the correct pronunciation of it is, I would appreciate that. But for now, I'm going to continue to say dissociate. You can say dissociate, however you want to say it. It all means the same thing. It is your brain's way of detaching from reality. And that is a very natural and normal mechanism. Alyssa Scolari [15:45]: Dissociation in moderation is not a bad thing. We all need to detach, and we all need to be able to focus on things that are more reassuring in life so that we can keep our anxiety at a minimum. Sometimes. It is so, so healthy. I mean, honestly, when you meditate, right, when you meditate or are mindful, that can kind of be a... Meditation can be a healthy form of dissociation. There are so many ways in which we dissociate on a regular basis. Have you ever been in school or in a class, and the professor is just droning on and on and on about something. And before you know it, you are two weeks into a fantasy, not two weeks, I should say, but you're 20 minutes into a fantasy about vacationing somewhere on some tropical island with your crush and getting married and this and that. Alyssa Scolari [16:51]: And you're thinking about, oh, what is my wedding dress going to look like? Or things like that, that is dissociation. You have checked out and you have checked in to a fantasy that is much more pleasurable than where you are at now. It's not a response to toxic stress, but you are just like, I need to check out for a little bit. That is such a good thing. It is healthy to be able to check out. Now, of course it becomes unhealthy when your brain is doing that as a result of toxic stress, right? That is when it becomes like this is a trauma response. But right now I think that so many of us are probably having trauma responses as a result of everything that is happening in this world. We need a healthy form of dissociation. So it is not a bad thing. Alyssa Scolari [17:50]: I cannot emphasize that enough. When you are doing it to try to help yourself and intentionally, right. We want to be very intentional about this form of dissociation. So what does that mean? It means literally checking out, checking out of reality for a little bit and checking into other things that feel much safer. I highly recommend putting timers on your phone right now, right. We could all use it, right. We could all use less time on social media, but now more than ever, where you can barely even open up an app without seeing something about abortion laws or LGBTQ rights or gun control, put a timer on the apps that you use. How long do you want to be absorbing that information? I recently, I think maybe like a week and a half ago, when all this happened, I just decided, no, I cannot do this to myself. Alyssa Scolari [18:55]: I cannot be inundated with this information right now. I have to do something. And so I decided that I do not want to consume any more than one hour of social media time a day right now, that is what I can handle. And even that might honestly be a little bit too much. I might bring it to 30 minutes. And so I have been doing that and it has been so helpful for me. Not only have I done that, but I've also decided that when it gets to a certain time, either in the morning or the night, I do not want to be on my phone. I do not want to be on these apps at all, regardless of how much I've been on them throughout the day, I'm giving myself a small window. So basically my apps will essentially turn off at 8:00 PM and then from 8:00 PM until 10:00 AM the next morning, I do not allow myself to go on these apps. Alyssa Scolari [19:56]: And if you have an iPhone, you can just do it right in your settings. Your iPhone will just do it for you. It's pretty easy. If you have an Android, I think you can download an app that will allow you to do that and it's free. So I highly recommend that. Then at night, right, my routine is not only do I actually have much more time, but I can do things that help me to engage in a form of healthy dissociation. And then in the morning, the reason why I have the apps off until solely into the morning is so I am not starting my day off with traumatic or horrible or scary or anxiety provoking news. When I wake up in the morning, I can't open my phone right away and start scrolling through social media. Alyssa Scolari [20:49]: No, I have to get up. I have to get out of bed. I have to make my coffee. I have to do a little bit of work. I have to eat. And then when my day is already started, I can be like, oh, let me check social media for a little bit and see what's going on. And it helps not to start the day off on a wrong foot or effectively, it helps me to not be triggered and be having PTSD symptoms from the moment I get up in the morning. So I highly, highly recommend that if you haven't done that already. Now, the other thing is figuring out what to do with that time that you're not on social media, because if you're not on social media, but then you're sitting down on the couch watching something that's equally as traumatic. Well, it's not really going to help you much. Alyssa Scolari [21:40]: Personally, I love Stranger Things. Love it, love it, love it. And I was so excited for it to come out, but two weeks ago before Roe v. Wade was even overturned, David and I sat down to watch it. And the first 20 minutes, now I'll give them a little bit of credit, because Stranger Things did give a warning about how the scenes that we were about to see could be triggering about the shooting in Texas. And so, okay. You know, I was like, all right, but the whole thing, it was 20 minutes, I think, probably of just horror. Horror that was so similar that I'm like, honestly, I'm a little infuriated that they didn't just cut that scene or make it much shorter together. And just kind of say, we changed the scene out of respect, because it was so similar to what I'm sure so many people saw when they had to witness that Texas shooting. Alyssa Scolari [22:57]: So I was horrified and I was like, turn this off. I cannot watch this. And I have heard, I have not watched it since, but I have heard from a few people that it actually doesn't get much better and that it's actually a very gory season. And as much as I love Stranger Things and was so excited to be able to escape into a fantasy world, I know that that is going to be entirely too triggering for me. And so I have set a boundary with myself that I am not watching it because I can't do that to myself. And so it's important to keep that in mind too, right? If I were to say, oh, I'm not going to go on social media, but I'm going to sit down and I'm going to watch Stranger Things and inundate myself with gore and death and blood and violence. Alyssa Scolari [23:48]: Well, how's that actually helping my brain, right? That's that's only just triggering, it's triggering me. It's not really doing anything. So what will you do during that time? So instead of watching Stranger Things, I've been playing a lot of Mario. We actually bought a new game called Mario Odyssey. And listen, it is exactly the form of dissociation that I need. Helping me to check out and check into a world where I am a small Italian man with a red cap. And I am jumping and hitting those little square boxes. The yellow ones with the question marks on them and collecting coins. And I'm in all these fantasy worlds. And there's great colors. That... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/23630042

Episode 100: The Five Love Languages with Alyssa Scolari, LPC 06/28/2022

Episode 100: The Five Love Languages with Alyssa Scolari, LPC Alyssa is celebrating 100 episodes this week by talking about the five different love languages, first coined by psychologist Gary Chapman. Learning about the five love languages can significantly improve the relationships you have with partners, friends, and family. To learn more about the different love languages, please see Gary Chapman's book: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: You can also check out Alyssa at Transcript: Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hey everybody. It is your host Alyssa Scolari. Welcome back to another episode of The Light After Trauma podcast and most especially, happy 100th episode. We are officially in triple digits. I don't know how that happened. I have no clue. It has been almost two years since the podcast started and I can't even wrap my brain around it. We are a hundred episodes in, and it has been so much fun every step of the way. I remember being in the pandemic right at the beginning when everything was supposed to shut down for only two weeks. And I remember thinking to myself, I have to do something to help people that are suffering. I have to do something to help people have a greater understanding about mental health. And it sort of just dawned on me like, "Oh, I really want to start a podcast." Alyssa Scolari [01:28]: That is a great way to reach people and to be able to provide people with free access to mental health education. So I remember I get all these reminders on my phone from Facebook, I guess, as my equipment would come in, like my podcast microphone. I would take a picture of it and I would put it on my story. So I keep getting little reminders on my social media from that two years ago and it is mind boggling and I'm really honored to be here. There are times when the podcast has really stressed me out and has felt like a lot. But honestly, for the most part, I have been loving every second of it and I have formed friendships with, I think so many of you. I have amazing friendships right now that I would've never had if it weren't for this podcast, whether it's people who have been on the show, whether it is people who have contacted me after hearing the podcast and we just connected on social media. Alyssa Scolari [02:38]: I just feel like I have friends all over the world and you have been right by my side, listening to me, not just share my story, but be vulnerable. Because I shared my story, but I share my story for the most part, as I'm going through things. And it has been great to feel the support. It has been great to be able to give support in the form of education about mental health. It's just been great. It's all been great. I don't even have any words. I don't have any words. So if you and I have talked and we're friends, thank you. I love you. If you and I have never spoken, but you just listened to the podcast. Thank you. I love you. We are going to keep going until, I don't know when. I don't know, we're just going to keep going. We're going to keep doing it. So thank you so much for all your support. I would honestly never be here without you. Alyssa Scolari [03:46]: And if you are continuing to like what you hear and you haven't done so already, I kindly ask that you please leave a rating or review of the podcast because those ratings really help the podcast to continue to grow and to reach a wider audience so more people can get the mental health education and support and the trauma focused education that they need. That would be great. And without further ado, let's get into it today. So I thought for the hundredth episode, we could talk about something maybe a little bit more fun. Listen, I always think that mental health stuff is fun, but of course it can be very, very serious. So I thought maybe we would just dial it back a notch and talk about something that I think is really cool. So today I wanted to talk about the five love languages, which I always think are interesting and relate to absolutely everybody. Alyssa Scolari [04:42]: The five love languages, I'm sure most of you have heard of this. But if you have not heard of this so far, it's based on a book by a PhD, Gary Chapman, who was a therapist who worked a lot with couples and with people in complicated relationships. And he wrote this book titled, The Five Love Languages, and the book was released in 1992. And basically what this book is it's a collection of his extensive research as a therapist and he takes kind of everything that he has seen throughout his career. And he condenses people's communication patterns and how couples communicate love. He condenses it all into five basic categories and calls them love languages. Now it's important to remember about love languages, that when we talk about it's not just between romantic partners. Love languages, it's quite literally how we express our love to the people in our lives that we want to express love to. But it's also how we like to be loved by the people in our lives who love us. So it is both. So these love languages are not super old, definitely a newer concept. Alyssa Scolari [06:18]: Like I said, it came out in the nineties, 1992 specifically, the year I was born. So it is as old as I am. It is 30 years old, which is not very old. And if you're listening out there and you think 30 is old, we need to talk. I'm just kidding, kind of, ish. Anyway, so what are the love languages? All right, let's break it down. So we have words of affirmation. We have physical touch. We have receiving gifts. Quality time and acts of service. And we are going to get into what that means. So what are words of affirmation? Well, it seems kind of self-explanatory, but basically it's using your language to tell somebody that you love them. And it's not just, I love you. I love you. I love you. It's more like you are verbally encouraging somebody. You are validating them. You are affirming them. Alyssa Scolari [07:16]: You are actively listening to them and giving them feedback and that feedback is really encouraging. This is the person who is a talker, if you need to just talk through things and you need to hear validation, you need to hear reassurance constantly. You might be a words of affirmation person. That might be your love language. Now, I think it's important to note that I think you can have multiple of these. I think that every relationship needs all of these and I'm not a couple's therapist. So don't quote me on that, but I kind of look at all these and I'm like, "I think that all of them are important." So this isn't to say that you only need one for a relationship to survive, but rather there's usually one of these that rings more true for you than it does for any of the other ones. Alyssa Scolari [08:23]: So folks whose love language is words of affirmation, they really appreciate things like handwritten notes. They like cards for birthdays and anniversaries. They love it when you send them a text in the middle of the day, just, "Hey, I'm thinking about you. I love you." They love that stuff. That is how they feel the most loved. Now, maybe this isn't how you like to receive love, because personally, it's not how I like to receive love and I'm not saying words of affirmation are bad. I like them. They're great. I like when my partner tells me that he loves me, but I don't need it. It's not my oxygen, so to speak. But maybe you are somebody who gives words of affirmation and that is how you communicate your love. So you can have one love language that's your way of communicating, love to others and a totally different love language that's your way of liking to receive love. Alyssa Scolari [09:32]: And that's definitely the case for me. I tend to be a words of affirmation person when it comes to giving love, which honestly does that surprise anybody given the fact that I'm a therapist? Is anybody shocked by this? No, I totally show my love and my care and my concern with my clients and my friends and my husband, by words of affirmation. I'm actively listening. I'm encouraging. I'm affirming people all of the time and this is not with my clients, but with the friends in my life, with the loved ones in my life and with my partner. I will make handwritten cards or I will send an unexpected note. I know I used to do those things when David and I first started dating. I don't so much anymore, although I probably should now that I think about it, but that is something I am much more likely to do. Alyssa Scolari [10:33]: But when I receive things like that, I like it, but it doesn't necessarily just do it for me, if you know what I mean. So the next that we're going to talk about is physical touch. When people hear this, physical touch as a love language, everybody's brain jumps, not everybody but most people's brain jumps to the same thing, which is sex. Or like, "Oh, if you're a love, language is physical touch, then you just want to be having sex all of the time." I've had so many people that I've spoken to about love languages who didn't really understand what physical touch meant. When I say my love language is physical touch because that is my love language, people look at me almost kind of sideways. And I'm like, "That's not what it means." Yes. When it comes to physical touch, sex and intimacy can be a part of it. Alyssa Scolari [11:32]: And that is a part of it, but there are other things that are also really important when it comes to physical touch. And it's more just nonverbal body language. So I like hugging. I kind of like kissing, but I'm more hugging is where it's at for me. But also I like when somebody, when I say somebody I'm talking about David. I like when David will play with my hair or just give me a foot rub or just rub my back, whatever kind of physical touch. Again, non-sexual, I love it. It is the best thing ever to me. Now on the same kind of topic, I don't really appreciate, it's not that I don't appreciate it. But I don't show my love through physical time. You will not see me opening my arms and reaching out to hold somebody and initiating any kind of physical contact. Alyssa Scolari [12:47]: I don't do that. I think because it's definitely partially due to my history of sexual abuse. I like touch, but it's somebody that I have to feel really, really safe with. So I'm not likely to go right to physical touch as a love language for friends or acquaintances or anything like that. And again, it's not that my friends aren't safe. People like my friends are incredibly safe people. It's more so just that I feel like there's a different level of safety that's accessed with David. That just sort of makes me really be able to tap into my desire for physical touch, without having my defenses up or my nervous system kind of reactive as a result of my sexual trauma. So physical touch is my number one. That is my love language, but I am not really one to give a whole lot when it comes to, I guess I should say, I'm not really one to show my love through physical touch. Alyssa Scolari [13:59]: I like to receive through physical touch. So the next one is gift giving, receiving gifts. And this one really, again, is exactly as it sounds, it's putting thought into buying things, not even buying things, making things. It could also be like, "Hey, I made you muffins." When David and I first started dating, we would often bond over our love for food, which honestly we still do. That has never gone away. And where I lived with my parents, there was this really great Italian shop with the best cannolis. And so he also loves blueberry and they made blueberry cannolis. We worked together, we first met at work together. So I would often bring him blueberry cannolis to work. Aside from this though, I'm not much of a gift giver to the point where if I have a close friend whose birthday is coming up, or even if David's birthday is coming up, I panic over what I'm going to get somebody for their birthday. Alyssa Scolari [15:10]: It is such an anxiety thing for me. I'm like, "Okay, well I know this person loves, I don't know, plants. So I think I'm going to get this person a plant. But what if I pick the one plant that they hate, or what if I pick the one plant in the world that they happen to be allergic to?" That is just so my intrusive thoughts. I just think about all the ways in which my gift is going to be the worst thing ever. And so gift giving gives me too much anxiety. I don't like it. I, of course, can receive it. I actually get very overwhelmed when people give me gifts. I will cry, happy tears, but I will still cry. I very much enjoy receiving gifts, but it makes me very emotional that somebody would even think of me and be so kind as to give me a gift. Alyssa Scolari [16:08]: So I definitely enjoy receiving this as a love language, but I have way too much anxiety to be able to really give it. And when I say it, I mean any kind of thoughtful gifts or thoughtful gestures. So then there is quality time. And this is really just when somebody spends uninterrupted time with you. Uninterrupted off of their phone, not on social media and it is one on one time. And this is, I think, a big one for a lot of people. And I think, in particularly, a lot of childhood trauma survivors, especially if there was neglect involved. People really tend to love that one-on-one time. And that's not to say that your childhood trauma is going to drive what your love languages are. That's certainly not the case, or at least there's no research to my knowledge that is supporting of that. Alyssa Scolari [17:15]: But I do think that sometimes it can play a factor. So quality time really is creating special moments. Let's go for a walk. We're going to have date nights every week or every other week. We are going to go to the gym together. We're going to ride into work together or Friday nights, our pizza and movie nights. Again, I think that these things are important for every relationship and friendship. I think quality time is, of course, very important for a friendship. But I think the question is that the most important thing to you? This would be probably my second most important love language aside from physical touch. I also really communicate my love with other people with quality time, "Hey, let's hang out, let's do something. Let's go here. Let's go there." Now that I've recovered a lot from my trauma and I don't have as much anxiety around seeing people. I really am somebody who enjoys quality time. Alyssa Scolari [18:32]: So then there's acts of service. That is the last one, that's certainly not the least. And this is just letting somebody know that you want to help them, lightening their load, doing tasks for them. "Hey, I'm going to take your car. I'm going to go get your oil changed." Or, "Hey, I decided to make dinner tonight because I know you had a really long day." Or it can be even something so small like, "Oh, Hey, I fed the dogs this morning, because I know you had a meeting." It doesn't have to be monumental. It can be very minor. "I made you breakfast. I hung a load of laundry." Could be very small things. Acts of service is absolutely the way that my husband likes to communicate his love for me. He is a huge acts of service guy. Alyssa Scolari [19:30]: He does so much for me, whether it's cooking, whether it's cleaning, taking care of the dogs. He will do anything for me and it is really, really awesome. Now I think in terms of how he likes to receive love, I definitely think it's quality time. I think he really appreciates quality time. So those are the love languages. Now here's what's really important about these love languages is, I think for many, many couples and many different kinds of friendships, love languages can be a little bit difficult because we have to learn a lot about the other person and what their needs are. And it's sort of like, "Well, what do we do when our love languages are completely different?" And I think that when you're with somebody and your love language is totally different than theirs. For trauma survivors, a lot of times for childhood abuse survivors, it can be really, really triggering because we may not necessarily see that. Alyssa Scolari [20:50]: I may not see that my mom's showing me love by acts of service, buying me clothes, cooking for me. I may not see that as love and I may be upset and feeling unloved because I'm not getting hugs or cuddles from my mom. That is sort of a miscommunication. I'm not seeing that you love me because you are not loving me in a way that I can see, you are loving me in a way that only you can see. So this is why love languages are so important. Yes, they're fun to talk about, but they're actually really important for the growth of any kind of relationship, whether it's romantic or not. And we have childhood trauma, we are already used to not getting our needs met and our brains are already hypervigilant and extra wired for protection. Alyssa Scolari [21:51]: So as soon as we see that our needs aren't getting met, maybe your love language is quality time and your partner is not making any time for you. They will hang a little laundry and they mow the lawn and they cook, but maybe they haven't planned a date night. Well, here you are triggered feeling abandoned, unloved, maybe worried that something is going wrong in the relationship because your needs aren't getting met. So you are triggered because you can't see that they're expressing love through their way. So I think that it's really important to not only ask yourself, what are my love languages? But to also ask yourself, what are the love languages of those people around me? And you don't even have to ask yourself because if I were you, I would go straight to the source. Go right up to your partner, talk to your friends. What are your love languages? Alyssa Scolari [22:48]: Because once you start to realize, "Oh, Hey, this person never hugs me. I have my best friend. My best friend never hugs me." This is not a true story. "But my best friend never hugs me when she sees me. We see each other twice a year and she never hugs me. She only waves. I feel like she doesn't even want to be my friend." Meanwhile, she might not be hugging you, but she lives in another country and she spent money on a plane ticket, traveled halfway around the world to spend a week with you, quality time or could that be acts of service? Maybe she doesn't hug you when she sees you. But when you guys aren't together, she's texting me all the time, giving you words of affirmation. It is really important to fully assess all of what is going on sometimes when you're feeling triggered or we're feeling unloved. Alyssa Scolari [23:45]: Is it that I'm being unloved right now? Or is this person expressing love to me in a different way? And if that's the case, if somebody is expressing love to you in a way that you don't necessarily receive, that's the time to have a conversation about it. Because I think you have to decide like, "Okay, what do we do and how do we compromise so that we both get our needs met? My husband likes quality time. I like physical touch. So we compromise while we spend quality time together, while we are sitting down on the couch, watching a movie together. I'm getting a foot rub or we're holding hands or he's rubbing my back or he's playing with my hair. How can we compromise on this so that both of our needs get met? Alyssa Scolari [24:42]: It is a really important conversation to have with your friends, with your partners, with your loved ones.... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/23557373

Episode 99 Redux: Your Body Has Always Been A Beach Body with Alyssa Scolari, LPC 06/21/2022

Episode 99 Redux: Your Body Has Always Been A Beach Body with Alyssa Scolari, LPC Alyssa has stepped away from the podcast this week while she works on a very exciting project for you all! This week, we are reaching back into the archives with a timely episode as summer heats up in the Northern Hemisphere! REDUX: Live your best life this summer as Alyssa offers advice to those of us grappling with a fear of wearing shorts, tank tops, and bathing suits this summer. Tune in for some inspiration so that this summer can be one where you embrace the incredible body you have - at any shape and size! Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: Transcript: Alyssa Scolari: Hey,how's it going? You know what time it is. We are back out it with another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. You know the deal. I'm your host, Alyssa Scolari and life is pretty good right now. Just wanted to take a moment to kind of check in with all of you. And sometimes I feel like with the interview episodes, sometimes I feel like my personality or my connection to the audience can get lost in translation, just because I think there's a lot of obviously getting to hear and understand and process the stories and the information from the guest speakers. [00:01:27] So while I absolutely love having guest speakers, I also really want to maintain an authentic connection with all the listeners out there. So, today I was supposed to have a guest speaker come on and unfortunately there was just some kind of confusion in scheduling. So we had to reschedule and I have some free time and I was like, you know what: [00:01:53] "I actually have some things I wanted to talk about." So it's kind of nice to be able to do a solo episode. I have not done one in a while and that is not because I haven't wanted to, but life has been a little bit, how would you say this: wild, insane all over the place, aah I shouldn't say insane. One of the things I've really been trying to work on is trying to avoid the use of certain words. [00:02:25] When we talk about the concept of linguistic evolution, right?.We don't use certain words anymore. I think one of the words that I'm really trying hard to stop using is crazy and insane. So my reactions to things, because I'm such an animated person, my gut response is to always be like, "oh my God, that's crazy." [00:02:45] Or, "oh my God, that's insane." But you know, it can be offensive calling somebody crazy. You know, the word crazy itself has a very negative connotation and was, I think a lot of people who struggled with mental illness were called crazy and I've been called crazy actually. And it's, it cuts pretty deep. [00:03:07] So, that's just my own personal preference. Some people may be listening and may be like, "oh my gosh, that's way too much of a stretch," but that's just something I've been trying to work on. So that was a little tidbit, but life has been so wild. We are in the process of house hunting. And if any of you know anything about this market, it is... [00:03:29] I mean again, I'm not going to say crazy, but it is unlike anything I've ever seen before in my life. People are coming in and offering literally a hundred thousand dollars over asking price for homes, because there's such a high demand for homes. And there simply aren't enough sellers. And we know we've been looking for homes for.... [00:03:50] I want to say coming up on a year now. And it has been a really defeating process. The last couple months in particular, we thought that we had found something and we're still actually not entirely sure if it's going to go through, we don't know. So we may be moving. We may not be moving, but our lives have really been house hunting every spare minute that we get. [00:04:13] And I live in New Jersey as many of you know, but we are looking to move to a different state. So, we're looking to move to Pennsylvania. So I would still be able to commute to my office in New Jersey. It's been so tough and every second has been spent traveling to another state to look at homes and making offers on homes and getting your hopes up and getting deflated essentially when you're told that somebody else came in and offered a hundred thousand dollars over asking price. And it's just, I don't know, it's very defeating. I have wanted to get out of the town that I live in for quite some time. It doesn't hold the best memories for me. [00:04:58] And it's, I think very triggering to live in the same town where a lot of your trauma occurred and no, that's not to say I haven't had some good times in this place. I certainly have, but it's really hard living in a place where you've had traumas because I am reminded every day of my life. So. I really have been itching to get out of this town and get out of this area. [00:05:28] And sadly, it's just not working out, which I have a very hard time with being told no. Or with having to wait. I'm not very patient. I kind of want what I want when I want it, which is something I'm working on. So yeah, it's just been...it's been rough and we want to have a bigger yard for our dogs and it's been, it's been a hard time, you know, things could certainly be worse. [00:05:58] Thank God. My health is improving. I'm healing. I'm getting better. My autoimmune disease is, it appears, knock on wood, to be in remission. I hate to even say that out loud because I'm terrified that I'm going to get a flare up again. You can, if you're curious to hear more about the auto-immune issues that I've been having, you can tune into episode 41. [00:06:21] I believe it is where I talk a little bit more about the autoimmune disease I was diagnosed with. So with all of that said, it's just. It's been a little hectic. So I have not, I feel given my own, I haven't really put the personal touch on a lot of what I do because I really just haven't had the space to do that. [00:06:46] So I appreciate all of your understanding and that I am really working on getting back to adding a little bit more of a personal touch. I was really excited about all the feedback I got for the mini-sode series, the Survive and Thrive stories. It's been so fun and such an honor to be able to read everybody's story. [00:07:08] So please, please, please. If you feel called to do so. Please send in your story to [email protected]. I really, I am just so honored. And so, so many are so funny, those emails that you send and I love it cause I'm a big fan of humor therapy. So I love being able to kind of take what you've been through and take things that are really, really dark and very serious and find kinda some light or some humor in them. Again, that doesn't take away from the seriousness of what happened, but some of y'all just have a really good sense of humor. So I appreciate, hearing your your stories. So with that said, I wanted to come on to talk about an experience that I had today, which felt so liberating. And I think now's a really good time to share this experience. I went to the beach today and that might not seem like a big deal for people who don't struggle with body competence. But for me, that was huge. And I went by myself. First of all, because of the pandemic, I really haven't been to the beach in over a year. [00:08:25] So I have not had to like do the whole bathing suit situation in quite some time. And second of all, I was alone, which is always extra hard for me because it's one of those things where, when you're alone, I think you're more in your head and you feel more like people are looking at you. [00:08:48] So today is, it's a Wednesday. I don't see clients on Wednesdays. It's my day off. And I decided, you know, the weather is beautiful. I'm heading to the beach today. And I packed my stuff up. And I went to the beach all by myself and I struggled. I went with shorts and like kind of an oversized t-shirt and I struggled with whether or not I was going to take my bathing suit off...take my bathing suit off!?!? [00:09:17] Yeah, no, I was not going to do that. Hoping to not end up in jail for public indecency. What I was trying to say is I was debating whether or not I was going to take off my shirt and my shorts and just kind of be in my bikini and it was really a battle. Of course, I had to like look around at the people next to me and kind of size them up and be like, well, are they looking at me? [00:09:45] You know, what are they going to think? But then I just did it, right. I tried to get out of my head and into my body and I was like, what would feel good right now? And what would feel good is to be able to lay down on this huge beach blanket that I have that I think my aunt got me when I was in the fourth grade is still have it because it's amazing [00:10:06] All I want us to do is just chill out on my beach blanket and have that like warm sensation of the sun on your skin, glorious. Well, obviously I can't do that when I'm covered from head to toe and, you know, clothing and not a bathing suit. So I was like, all right. Screw it taking off my clothes. So I did it. [00:10:28] I was in a bikini and. Just as an aside, it was a bikini that I enjoyed. Right. It wasn't a bikini that I bought because I was like, oh, well this is going to cover up the most. So let me just buy this one. This one was so fun. It was like a light blue, like a sky blue with like gold throughout. And it was strapless, which like.... [00:10:57] why am I talking about the details? So I'm talking about the details because I love the bikini and I'm allowed to love the bikini. And I don't think it hit me that I was allowed to love a bathing suit that I was in until today. When I was just laying on that blanket with my toes in the sand and the sun on my body. [00:11:17] And I was like, wow, I really liked this bikini. It's really comfortable. It's really cute. And I'm allowed to like it and you know what you're allowed to like your bathing suit too. So it was, I think really a transcendental moment for me, where I shifted from I'm just gonna wear whatever hides the most of my body to I'm going to wear whatever feels fucking fabulous. [00:11:47] And so I did it now. I struggled a little bit when it came time to like sit up. Right. And I know that there are people out there who can relate to this. So when it came time to sit up, I'm like, oh God, who's going to be looking at the rolls on my stomach. Now, I'm like looking around to see who's looking. [00:12:08] And in fact there was a guy who was, I don't know. He honestly, he was probably like 50 feet away from me. And I noticed that he got up and actually moved his chair further away at one point. And do you know what my eating disorder brain did? Right. Get a load of this shit. My eating disorder brain was like, oh, he probably got up and moved because he couldn't stand the sight of your body. [00:12:34] That is what my brain did. And it's horrible. And it's so body dysmorphic and it's so like eating disordered, but I was able to recognize it and I was able to talk back to it. And I told myself two things. I'm like one...well, I told myself a couple of things. One that's your fucking eating disorder, right. [00:12:57] Two, look at the tide, the tide had significantly risen, so there was much less beach and he probably didn't want his ass sitting in the water because his chair was very low to the ground. So he probably picked up his chair and moved it back so the water didn't hit him. It's still the middle of May. The water in New Jersey is still freezing. [00:13:20] That makes the most sense. What really doesn't make sense is the fact that he would take one look at me from 50 yards away and be so repulsed that he had to get up and move his chair. Like what come on, what is my eating disorder doing? Right. So, you know, at that moment I kind of just laughed at myself and I was like, honestly, Ed, I call my eating disorder, Ed. [00:13:42] It's a little tip that I got from a book that I read called Life Without Ed, by Jenny Schaefer, highly recommended by the way. So I call my eating disorder, Ed, and I was just like, you know what Ed, like, fuck you. Fuck you. Because you're not ruining my perfect day at the beach. And I sat up and that is a very hard thing for me to do. [00:14:05] I used to struggle and take like five minutes to sit up because I would have to have the towel wrapped around my stomach so that nobody could see my rolls because I was so embarrassed. Well, guess what? Today I just fucking sat up and it was so liberating. I sat there and I looked into the ocean and I could feel my stomach rolls, right. [00:14:32] Because who doesn't have a stomach roll when they're bending over or sitting like, that's what our bodies do. Right. Our skin rolls, the fat that we have in our stomach, like rolls, stomach rolls, aren't bad. And I just breathe and I was very, very in tune with my body. I was very in tune with my surroundings and I just didn't care if anybody was looking at me, you know, I ended up having a couple that came and sat actually somewhat close to me closer than what I'm comfortable with for sure. [00:15:11] And honestly, closer than what was necessary, because there was so much space on the beach. I don't know why they needed it to be that close to me, but whatever. I was uncomfortable and I was really just, I, at one point I just stopped caring and I became so much more infatuated with my body and sitting down and processing all of the turmoil. [00:15:36] My body has helped me to survive over the last year of the pandemic and then a whole bunch of things that happened in the middle of that pandemic that were pretty traumatizing. And I was filled with such gratitude, such gratitude for my body. Such gratitude for the tree trunk thighs that I've had my whole life that I have hated my whole life. [00:16:06] I found myself sitting in gratitude for these legs, for my stomach, my belly, for all the scars on my body, the stretch marks that are so natural that almost any body has quite frankly. I was just in gratitude and I felt so at peace with this body, I kind of just sat criss cross applesauce on the beach blanket, which I've never done before at a beach. [00:16:39] I truly, I've never done that before. And it hit me that I have lost so many valuable beach years because I spent time hating my body. There was a time where I would claim that I hated the beach because I simply didn't want to go because I didn't want to be seen. So I would be like, oh, I don't like the sand or I don't like the salty ocean water. [00:17:07] It makes me feel gross. That's such a load of crap. I love the sand, what a wonderful exfoliant. And I love the saltwater. It feels so healing to me. And I used to say for years that I hated the beach because I was terrified of being seen. And I just wasn't today. I was alone with myself, with my body, with nothing to distract me, and I felt completely at ease and there are people who come in my office and they ask me, or there are people who I connect with on social media. [00:17:48] And they ask me questions like, well, Alyssa, why am I doing this work? Why bother trying to recover from an eating disorder? Why bother trying to recover from trauma and it's so that you can have days like I had today where everything just feels okay inside of you, because at the end of the day, that's all that really matters, is that you feel good inside. And when you feel good inside, you care less about what other people are thinking. What other people are saying. It was the first time that I didn't spend my entire trip at the beach just looking at the people around me, wondering what they would think. If I dared to get up and walk over to the water and put my toes in the water, I just did it. I just got up and did it because it was what I wanted to do. And it's so beautiful. And, you know, I know that this will resonate with a lot of you. [00:18:58] And I want you to know that you can get to that spot too. It's a beautiful spot to be in. And I'm not saying that I will never struggle again. I think I absolutely will struggle again. I think that's just part of life, but all the hard work that I've done in trauma and in my eating disorder recovery has helped me get to this moment of truly loving the flesh that I was given, the meat on my body, the weird feet that I have, the you know, crooked smile that I have that some people probably have never noticed. And I notice all the time, I love all of it. And I might not tomorrow, I might wake up full of self-loathing, but today. It was a really, really healing moment for me. [00:19:53] And I want you to know that wherever you're at right now with your body and with yourself, you deserve to wear a bathing suit that you fucking love, and you deserve to go to the beach and to sit and to not have to look around and make sure that people aren't looking at your rolls, you deserve to be able to get to the beach and to take your shorts off. [00:20:18] And to not have to hide your thighs, be so thankful for this body that has gotten you through, if nothing else than just the last year alone of immense loss and sickness and fear and all the other horrible things that the pandemic has brought. Your body has kept you alive throughout it all. And if nothing else go to the beach and celebrate that and rock whatever body you have, because it is glorious, you are glorious and you deserve happiness. [00:21:00] And that's all I have to say about that really. I mean, I know that's a long winded speech. It's a long winded spiel, but I hope that it can help inspire at least one of you in knowing that this summer you literally do not have to suffer or hide yourself. You deserve to be seen on the inside and the outside. [00:21:24] So if this resonates with you, whether you are he or she or they, or anywhere in between, this is your sign that every single body is a beach body. And go where whatever bathing suit you want, have a wonderful summer. Everybody I'm still going to be here. I'm not going anywhere. Still going to be rolling out podcast episodes, but I love you all. [00:21:53] From the bottom of my heart. I am so incredibly thankful for your support, for your loyalty, for listening, for being on this journey with me, the highs and the lows of recovery I am with you, you are with me. I feel it every day. And I just feel like I have thousands of new friends and. I'm really grateful. [00:22:17] So thank you all. I love you all. If you haven't done so yet, please feel free to subscribe and leave a review and rating. Most important of those is a rating and subscription to the podcast. And yeah, that's all I got. Have a wonderful week. Go enjoy some sunshine and let's get a pop in the summer and our beach bodies. Love you all. Take care. [00:22:47] Thanks for listening everyone. For more information, please head over to light after trauma.com or you can also follow us on social media. On Instagram. We are at light after trauma and on Twitter. It is at light after pod. And if you're on Facebook, please be sure to join our Facebook group. [00:23:07] It is a private community where trauma survivors are able to connect and chat with one another. That Facebook group is called light after traumas. So just look us up on Facebook and be sure to join. Lastly, please head over to patrion.com/light. After trauma to support our show, we are asking for $5 a month, which is the equivalent to a cup of coffee at Starbucks. [00:23:32] So please head on over again. That's patrion.com/late after trauma. Thank you. And we appreciate your support. Thanks for listening everyone. For more information, please head over to lightaftertrauma.com or you... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/23490980

Episode 98: Why We Need Pride Month (and a personal note on coming out) with Alyssa Scolari, LPC 06/14/2022

Episode 98: Why We Need Pride Month (and a personal note on coming out) with Alyssa Scolari, LPC Happy Pride Month! The month of June (and every month!) is a great time to celebrate the beauty of the LGBTQPIA+ community. In this week's episode, Alyssa notes that while we certainly have come a long way in gaining rights for the LGBTQPIA+ community, there is still very far to go in terms of achieving true equality. For example, many of our states still recognize the lethal "Gay Panic Defense". Alyssa also includes a personal note on her own experience with coming out for the first time this year. Source Material: Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: Transcript: Alyssa Scolari [00:24]: Everybody, welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I'm your host Alyssa Scolari. Super excited to be here because it is Pride Month. And that is exactly what we are talking about. This episode, we are talking about Pride. We are talking about the importance of Pride, and we are talking about why we need to continue to advocate for the LGBTQ community. I'm really, actually, a little bit anxious about today's episode, because I am going to be talking about things that I have never spoken about before. And so I'm a little bit nervous as we get into it, but we are just going to dive right in. Although before we do that, just some housekeeping stuff. So if you have not done so already, please leave a review for the podcast. Reviews, ratings go such a long way in terms of helping the podcast to reach a greater audience. And I really feel strongly that everybody deserves some kind of access to free mental health education, information, and support. Alyssa Scolari [01:43]: So the more reviews and ratings we have, the greater access people can have to this podcast. And it would mean the world to me. So if you have not done so already, please do so. I would greatly appreciate it. Also, if you are interested in becoming a Patreon member, you can check out the show notes where you can just click right on the link and you can donate as little or as much as you would like to the podcast. You can become a monthly Patreon member, or you could just do a one time donation, anything would be greatly appreciated. And all of the money that you donate goes directly in to helping fund the podcast and helping to keep the machine going, essentially. It costs roughly anywhere from $800-$900 a month to fund this podcast, between all of the software that we have to pay for and the editing. That is what it costs. So, again, this is not me complaining about the price. I am really fortunate enough to be in a place where I can do this, but if you are able and willing to give any amount would be greatly appreciated. Alyssa Scolari [03:04]: I hope everyone is off to a grand old week. I am doing pretty good, had a good day today. It's kind of late when I'm recording this, it's about 9:30 at night, which is pretty late for me to be doing any sort of work. But I had a burst of energy and I felt like I had a lot to say. And I was like, "I'm just a little anxious about this discussion today. You know what, we're doing it." So I made myself a cup of hot tea and here we are chatting today. So I think that as I get into this conversation, people are going to have one of two thoughts. And I think the first thought people might have is, "Why are we talking about Pride and the LGBTQ+ community on a trauma focused podcast?" And the second question people might have is, "This podcast has been going on for almost two years and I've not heard anything like this. We've never talked about this on this podcast before. Why now? Why now?" Alyssa Scolari [04:22]: And I'm going to answer that question, but first we're going to answer the question of why is this topic on a trauma focused podcast? Truthfully, I don't know the background that you come from wherever you're listening from. I don't know. I do know this though. Some people think, they have this thought of like, "Oh, okay, it's 2022 and all LGBTQ+ people are accepted and there's no need for any of this Pride or anything like that." And then other people, I think, live in environments and communities where it's in their face every single day, just how far we still have to go in terms of getting equality for this community. Now I want to address the people who might feel like we do have equality because unfortunately we just don't. Things are becoming maybe a little bit better, although in some ways I absolutely question even that. It feels like we are going back decades. Alyssa Scolari [05:40]: I know that we're a little bit better in terms of representation, but we're still not there. Growing up, how likely are we to see, when we watch movies we see straight families. When we read books, it's about straight families. Everybody identifies as either male or female. The male and the female get together. They get married, they have children, they usually have one boy, one girl. Anytime we so much as maybe pick out Christmas cards and we're looking at stock images online and we see the same kind of family members in stock images. We see a man, we see a woman that we presume are the husband and the wife and then we see their very straight children. Non-gender, queer, male, female. What have you? It is so rare for any of us, even today to pick a movie out and have it be a movie where there are two dads or a movie where there are two moms or a movie where a child is transgender. Alyssa Scolari [06:57]: It's so rare to go on the internet and search family photos and see families that look any different than a man and a woman and their children. We still have churches who are vehemently against the LGBTQ community. I actually, today, saw an image surface as a reaction to Pride Month. Somebody who doesn't believe that LGBTQ folks should have rights, drew this photo and it's a response to the Pride rainbow flag. The rainbow that is the symbol of Pride and the symbol of LGBTQ folks. Somebody actually drew a picture of a man and a woman. Alyssa Scolari [07:47]: And in between the man and the woman, they're holding hands with their two kids. They're little stick figures and they're holding an umbrella and they're shielding themselves and their children from basically a rainbow flag, rain that looks like it's coming down. All that image is to say, "We don't believe in this. We don't respect these people. And we are going to do everything in our power to shield ourselves and our children from the LGBTQ community." It is still so dangerous out there for folks who identify as LGBTQPIA+. Homophobia and transphobia and the like have dated back for centuries and part of the reason, well, the main reason that we have Pride Month is because of what happened in the Stonewall Uprising. So for those of you who don't know, the date was June 28th, 1969 in New York City's West Village. Alyssa Scolari [09:01]: The police raided a very popular gay bar that was called the Stonewall Inn. Now this was super normal for the time. This was super normal. Police did raid gay bars and gay facilities and they got arrested and this time the patrons of the Stonewall Inn fought back. And what this started was a series of riots that went on for days of people protesting these riots, from people that were saying, "I deserve to have my rights. I deserve to be seen and heard. I deserve to have equality. And I matter." This was historic. And in fact, President Barack Obama in 2016, declared the Stonewall Inn a historic landmark, which is so cool because these Stonewall Riots were historic and they paved the way for people in the LGBTQ community to achieve their equality. Alyssa Scolari [10:11]: And then the year after the uprising was when the first Pride parade began and it was in June so that is where the tradition of Pride comes from. So it is so much more than just people getting together and saying, "Oh, Hey, we like the month of June." No, this is a yearly celebration. It's a yearly remembrance. It is an honor for the people who fought for LGBTQ community members to have their rights. So nearly 10 years after that was when the Pride flag was first created and it was created by a man named Gilbert Baker. And Gilbert was asked to create a symbol of Pride by a man whose name is Harvey Milk. Now Harvey Milk was the first openly gay elected politician in the United States. So he asked Gilbert to create a flag that symbolized Pride and we have the rainbow flag. Now the rainbow flag actually started out with a few more colors and then had less colors. Today, each of the colors stands for something very specific. Alyssa Scolari [11:23]: So according to a People article, red is the symbol of life. Orange is the symbol for healing. Yellow is symbolic for sunshine. Green is symbolic for nature. The blue is representative of harmony and the purple is representative of spirit. I believe the original flag was eight colors, but it is now six. As far as we've come, though, we still have so much further to go. I want to talk to you about something called the gay panic defense, and this is going to help you really get an understanding for just how far we have to go in terms of equality and just basic human rights for LGBTQ folks. So what is the panic defense, the LGBTQ panic defense or the gay panic defense? It is a freaking legal strategy and get ready because if you haven't heard of this is going to knock your fucking socks off. The gay panic defense is a legal strategy. Alyssa Scolari [12:43]: So basically what that strategy does is it asks a jury to take into account a victim's sexual orientation or their gender identity and take into account that their orientation or their identity is to blame for a defendant's violent reaction. Victim blaming much? And yes, you heard me correctly. Basically, gay panic is a legal strategy that is asking the jury to consider the fact that somebody being gay or somebody being transgender or non-binary is the reason and a good enough reason why somebody may have attacked them in a hate crime. It's basically like the offender is saying that they went like temporarily insane. They had a gay panic or a trans-panic that caused them to violently attack the victim. Tell me that's not abso-fucking-lutely insane. Alyssa Scolari [13:57]: And what's even more fucking insane is that this gay panic defense actually fucking works. It works. It has been used to get people off in the courts. People can attack people simply because they are lesbian or gay or transgender. They can then show up in court and they can say that they panicked because of somebody's gayness or because somebody's transgender and the jury can go, "Oh, okay. That sounds reasonable. You're off the hook because you had a gay panic." It makes my blood boil. It makes my blood boil. And the worst part about it is that the gay panic defense is only banned in 17 states in the United States. Meaning the rest of the country's, or I'm sorry, the rest of the states in the United States of America, if they aren't considering passing the gay panic defense, they've already passed it. The majority of the states in this country are perfectly fine with the gay panic defense. And that right there goes to show you why we need Pride Month and why we are talking about this on a trauma focused podcast. Alyssa Scolari [15:22]: Because people in the LGBTQ community are being murdered, are being targeted, are being killed simply because of who they are and our laws are basically saying that it's okay. According to lgbtqbar.org, in 2019 alone, there were 1,656 hate crimes. And this is just what we know of because there are so many more that go unreported. But just in 2019, there were 1,656 hate crimes against people for either their sexual orientation or their gender identity. And this statistic makes up 18.8% of hate crime incidents, like single bias hate crime incidents. According to research, also from lgbtqbar.org, one out of five lesbian, gay and bisexual people in the United States will experience a hate crime in their lifetime. And more than one out of four transgender people will. We know that transgender people are targeted and they're even more likely to be targeted if they are part of a non-white race. And I got to say, lately, it just feels like things are getting worse for the LGBTQ community and we need Pride more than ever. Alyssa Scolari [16:51]: I mean, look at what's happening in Florida with the 'Don't Say Gay' bill. And in Texas, where it is now considered a social services call to have a child seek transgender affirming care. It is just an absolute nightmare. And with greater and greater access to what's going on in the world through social media, kids are bearing witness to all of this and it is very clear to so many kids that it is still not safe for them to be who they are. We need Pride because there are kids and adults out there who would rather take their own lives than be out and proud about who they are because of the hate that exists and I see it every day in my practice. I see it. It is absolutely heartbreaking. There is little to no representation in schools. Teachers will get reprimanded if they say anything about it because it's considered a taboo topic, which it absolutely shouldn't be. Alyssa Scolari [18:05]: And overall, kids just feel so isolated, growing up feeling like there is nobody who represents them, feeling like it's not okay to be a part of the LGBTQ community and it is devastating. So we need Pride more than ever. And now I think to address the second question that I talked about in the beginning of this episode. The question being, why have I waited two years to talk about this? In August, the podcast will have been alive for two years, which boggles my mind to even say, and I haven't talked about this. And trust me, it's not because I don't care and it's not because it's low on my priority list. Anybody who knows me knows that the LGBTQ community is actually top priority for me. But what I'm going to say is this, and this is going to come with a warning. So if you are listening to this and you know me personally, I would think very carefully about how much you want to know about me, because I'm going to share some stuff. Alyssa Scolari [19:35]: So think about it. Feel free to hit pause and talk to me about it, because I know I have a lot of wonderful people in my life who listen to the podcast who know me personally, and you're going to learn some stuff. All right, there is your fair warning. If you are continuing to listen to this and you know me personally, you better come talk to me about this. So anyway, part of, I think, the reason why I haven't talked about this yet is you are going to notice a pattern with me, not really a pattern, but I only talk about things as I'm ready to talk about them. I bring to this podcast a level of vulnerability mixed in with my expertise and that vulnerability is really hard for me. And I have to be comfortable sharing, I have to be comfortable. And I haven't been comfortable because I have been grappling with basically where I fall in terms of the LGBTQ community. Alyssa Scolari [20:50]: Because quite honestly, I can't deny that I'm part of it. And I think it's taken me a long time to get to a place where I've been comfortable talking about it. And so I knew that one day I would share this, but I needed to give myself time to be ready and to feel comfortable and safe and secure. I grew up in this really small conservative Catholic town. Where it is so not that okay to be gay and looking back on the way I grew up, I would've never in a million years have admitted or even given myself the opportunity to explore the fact that I might be anything other than a straight, blonde girl, who's going to find a dark, tall, handsome husband and live happily ever after. I really didn't get to explore the different parts of me until I left my hometown. Alyssa Scolari [22:14]: And then I really got to reflect back on my childhood and as I did so, it really hit me that I am so not straight, so not straight. I definitely was interested in both women and men my whole life. I remember being a kid and being interested in women, but kind of writing it off and just ignoring that part of me because in my brain it was only okay to be attracted to men. And so looking back on it, I'm like, "Oh man, I was not straight. I liked women and I liked men." I was absolutely bisexual. And I remember being in high school and playing around a little bit with my gender. There was a time in high school, I think I was a sophomore. And I went to school dressing masculine and I changed my name. Alyssa Scolari [23:31]: And people were calling me Sam and I think I was definitely experimenting at the time. I remember it being like a joke with my friends and my friends were all calling me that. And I was just pretending to be a guy, whatever that means. I was acting more masculine, listen, it didn't last long. It maybe lasted a week before I was like, "Okay, this isn't me." But looking back on it that actually wasn't a joke. I was definitely experimenting with my gender. And I think that after that, I became pretty firm in my identity as a woman, with pronouns that feel comfortable to me, which are she and her, but I was still super unclear about my sexual preference. And looking back, I did some really questionable things in my childhood and my teenage years and my young adult years that I could look back on it now. Alyssa Scolari [24:41]: And I'm like, "Yeah, I don't know how nobody saw that one." Maybe people did. I don't know. I really don't know. I don't think so. But I just think it's so funny to look back on and like, "Man, there was no part of me that was a straight woman. I definitely swung both ways and I'm okay with it. I'm okay talking about it." That's the other thing we have to talk about. [inaudible 00:25:10] I'll touch on when it comes to bisexuality. Yes, I married a man. So me coming on here and talking about my preferences and who I'm attracted to doesn't make me any less in love with my husband. My husband is the person I am a 100% committed to, 110%. There's never a question of that. So I think that a lot of people have this idea in their heads that, "Oh, you know, you're already married, but then you're coming out as bisexual. Well, what does that mean? Does that mean that you don't want to be with your partner?" Alyssa Scolari [25:45]: None of that is true. Just because you find somebody and you get married doesn't mean that your sexual preference changes. I was bisexual before I got married. I just didn't know it and I'm still the same way. But the person that I choose to spend my life with is my husband. Doesn't mean that my sexual preferences or that who I'm attracted to has to change because I've gotten married. Just because you marry somebody doesn't mean you stop finding people attractive. No, that's not the case at all. So all that's to say, people who come out a little bit later in life as being bisexual after they're married or whatever, it doesn't mean anything about their marriage. Alyssa Scolari [26:37]: It doesn't mean anything at all. People who are bisexual, if they want to get married, well, chances are they're either going to marry a man or a woman or a non-binary person. But just because they marry a non-binary person doesn't mean all of a sudden they're no longer attracted to women. Just because they marry a non-binary person doesn't mean that they're no longer attracted to men. So I hope that makes sense. It has absolutely nothing to do with my marriage. David is the best thing that ever... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/23403569

Episode 97: Setting and Upholding Your Boundaries with Alyssa Scolari, LPC 06/07/2022

Episode 97: Setting and Upholding Your Boundaries with Alyssa Scolari, LPC This week brings the final episode in a series of discussions on setting boundaries. Pulling from Nedra Glover Tawwab's book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, this week's discussion centers on the following: - 6 areas where setting boundaries is necessary - 3 steps to set healthy boundaries -What to do after setting boundaries -How to manage people's reactions to your boundaries Nedra Tawwab's Instagram: @nedratawwab Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: Transcript: Alyssa Scolari: Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast, the full episode this week. I'm your host Alyssa Scolari, and I am so happy to be here for a full episode. If you listened to the mini episode that I put out last week, well, it wasn't even an episode. It was just a brief announcement. My husband and I have been recovering from COVID. We both went all this time without getting it, and then we went to a wedding. One of our really good friends got married, and the wedding was so much fun. But the next day, part of the wedding party had woken up and tested positive for COVID. And then a few days after, David tested positive for COVID, and then I tested positive. Alyssa Scolari: So it was not fun. I will say I am very glad that I have had the privilege of being both vaccinated and boosted, because I do not want to know what COVID would've looked like if I did not have the vaccine. It wasn't scary, but it was almost just like, "Whoa. I can't believe this feels this bad even with the vaccine." It felt like the flu. Thankfully, neither of us had to go to the hospital. Neither of us had any issues with breathing or anything like that. And we are both on the mend. Alyssa Scolari: Today is actually one of the first days that I have my voice back. And my voice might sound a little bit off. I don't know. It doesn't to me. But I had lost my voice and couldn't really work or do anything. So it's been a little relaxing, but also boring, but also just irritating being sick when it was Memorial Day weekend and then it was a really beautiful summer weather. And there was just so many things we wanted to do. And we were supposed to have a house warming party with all of our friends, and we had to cancel that. And it's just been a bummer. Alyssa Scolari: But again, I'm just very happy to be healthy and I'm very thankful that we are both on the mend. So thank you for bearing with me. There was no way I was going to be able to put out an episode, because I was just feverish and had no voice. But we are back with another part, well, another episode on boundaries. So it's like a three part series or a three episode series. I am fairly certain this will be the last one. We're going to see how much we get into today. Alyssa Scolari: But if you have not listened to the other two episodes, you can go back and listen. We are talking about boundaries. And a lot of the information that I am sharing today is going to be based off of Nedra Tawwab's book Set Boundaries, Find Peace. And that is the same book that I used in the previous two episodes. Boundaries, as I've said before and I'll say it again, I believe, are the most important tool for not just healing from trauma, but for honestly just existing and living a peaceful life. Alyssa Scolari: That's more of a personal belief. I think a lot of people would agree with me, honestly. So we're talking about it, because as important as they are, it's also incredibly difficult for us to set them. Alyssa Scolari: So in the first episode that we did about boundaries, we talked a lot about what are they and why are they so important and what types of boundaries exist out there. And then in the second episode, so the episode that went out two weeks ago, we talked about why it is so difficult for us to set boundaries and how we can look past that, how we can push past our fears and our anxieties that come up around setting boundaries. Alyssa Scolari: Today, we are going to get a little bit more into the nitty gritty of how specifically do I do this with the people in my life. All right. So let's get right into it. Alyssa Scolari: So in the first episode that we did, we talked about how there are three different types of boundaries, right? There's rigid, porous, and healthy. Well, in addition to that, there are six different areas in life where it's very important to be able to set boundaries, right? Alyssa Scolari: Now, number one, and this is going to come as no surprise to many people, it's important to set sexual boundaries. That is very important. Now, of course, I should note this. You cannot set sexual boundaries where there is a crime occurring. So a child cannot set a sexual boundary with an adult when there is sexual assault or rape going on or child sexual abuse. Alyssa Scolari: That is not what we are talking about. We are talking about consensual sex. Boundaries are important. Being able to communicate with your partner or partners what you do, like, what you don't like, or even just saying, "No, thank you. I am not in the mood to have sex right now," or even just being able to ask the other person, "Can you tell me what you like? Do you like it when I do this?," right? That is a discussion of, "Hey, what are your boundaries, so that I know what they are, so that I don't cross them?" So sexual boundaries. Alyssa Scolari: Then there are time boundaries. So this is, I think, a huge one for so many people, right? Classic example is the person who is constantly picking up the phone for everybody else, but then, at the end of the day, has no time left over for themselves. Time boundaries. Alyssa Scolari: And then physical boundaries. This, I often think of as even public displays of affections. Some people don't mind. Some people hate it. I'm not a huge PDA person. I don't particularly enjoy it, right? So let's say you're in a relationship with a partner who is always kissing you in front of everyone and always wants to rub your back. It's very important to be able to set those boundaries and say, "Please do not rub my back in public. It makes me uncomfortable." Alyssa Scolari: And other physical boundaries can also just be, even when it comes to children, right, for allowing your child to say when they want to hug somebody and when they don't. Or even as adults, there are times where I will see the same group of friends, and I love them, but I might not necessarily be in the mood for hugging or physical touch. So sometimes, I will hug everybody in the room. Sometimes, I will not. And it's okay. Nobody really bats an eyelash either way, because everybody is cool with respecting one another's boundaries. So those are physical boundaries. Alyssa Scolari: We have sexual, time, physical, and then we have intellectual boundaries. Intellectual boundaries, this can be a little bit more complex. But the best way I can put it is by giving examples. So an intellectual boundary can be crossed with a child if an adult is having an inappropriate conversation with a child, right? If a young child is learning about something sexual before they are ready to hear that, or even in the case of oversharing, right? If parents are fighting and the one parent turns the child and starts venting to the child about the other parent, that is crossing an intellectual boundary. Alyssa Scolari: Now, between adults, this can look a little bit differently. So this can look like belittling people for what their beliefs are, mocking people for their beliefs. I've seen a lot of people mock Christianity. And while I personally do believe that parts of Christianity can be harmful depending on the interpretation of the Bible, because everybody interprets the Bible differently, that's an episode for another time. But a lot of people mock Christianity and they mock Christians, and that can be an intellectual boundary. Or I've seen it reversed. I've seen people who are Christian mock people who have no belief. A lot of people like to mock people who are Jewish. They belittle their faith. Alyssa Scolari: So it happens across the board. Whether you believe in something don't believe in something, no matter what religion you are, this happens. And that is an intellectual boundary violation, as is when people will shut down over disagreements. So let's say that you're in a disagreement with somebody, and let's say you're in a little disagreement over what restaurant you want to go to. And the one person's like, "Oh, I want to go to Applebee's." And the other person's like, "Well, I want to go to Wendy's." And you talk for a little while and you decide, "All right, we're going to Applebee's." Well, you get there and you sit down with the other person and they're completely quiet, and they're on their phone the whole time, and they're not looking at you, and they're making zero communication. They're just completely shut down. That is an example of an intellectual boundary violation. I am denying you the right to have communication with me, to have an intellectual discussion with me, because I'm mad at you. It's a passive aggressive boundary violation. Alyssa Scolari: So there are also emotional boundary violations where people can dismiss your feelings, or people will turn around and spill your secrets. You share something, you share the way you feel with somebody, and then they tell you they're not going to say anything, but then they go home and then they call their friend right away and they tell their friend. And before you know it, half the world knows your secret. Those are emotional boundary violations. Gossip is an emotional boundary violation, things like that. Alyssa Scolari: And then there are material boundary violations. So people going through your journal or destroying your property, or people borrowing your car and not filling it up with gas when they return it to you, or people using your kitchen and making an absolute mess that you have to go clean up, those are material violations. You holding something in your hand and somebody wants to see it, so they just snatch it out of your hand without asking you when that thing belongs to you, that is a material violation. Alyssa Scolari: So those are some of the categories. Well, those are the main categories that boundaries can fall into when it comes to setting them. So let's talk about what it means to set a boundary. Alyssa Scolari: In order to set a boundary, you have to have good communication. And there are four different ways that you can communicate. You can communicate passively, passive aggressively, aggressively, or assertively. Alyssa Scolari: Now, passive communication is you really don't say anything. What passive means is you sit on the feelings and you eat your own feelings and sit with them because you don't want those feelings to come out. So you just keep it to yourself and deal with it and don't say anything. Alyssa Scolari: Passive aggressive is when you do things to get the other person to notice that you are upset, or you try to deny the other person something. You harm the relationship without directly saying exactly what's wrong. We've talked about passive aggressive behaviors in the other two episodes, so we're not going to really get into examples. But I'm pretty sure we all know what passive aggressive behavior is. It's that person who is trying to communicate that something's wrong, but they'll never actually come out and say something's wrong. They will just act in different ways or say different things that let you know that there's an issue. Alyssa Scolari: And then there's aggressive communication, which can be threatening and can involve yelling or cursing, or it can even become physical. Alyssa Scolari: And then there's assertive. This, again, I'm sure is a no brainer. We want the assertive communication. Assertive communication, it's not passive, not passive aggressive. It's not aggressive. It is none of those things. But instead, it is clear, it is firm, and it is unapologetic, and it is also respectful. And that is something that I think people struggle with a lot when they're triggered. It's really, really hard to come across as assertive when they are upset or triggered. I know it is for me, which is why I think taking time, when you're getting ready to set a boundary with somebody, taking time, jotting down, what you want to say, thinking about it, maybe tweaking it a little bit, I think that that is helpful for me when I have to set a boundary, because if not, then my words can come out... Alyssa Scolari: I'm trying to think. I feel like I want to say I could be aggressive, not in a physical way, but probably in a verbal way, because all my emotions flood out of me. So assertive behavior is the way to go. Alyssa Scolari: So how do we do that? Step one is all about your tone and your use of language. So again, it is so important to have a neutral tone. You don't have to be super animated. And I think this is where I struggle, because I'm a little bit more animated. And sometimes, that can come off as aggressive or too much. It is so important to be neutral, but also very, very clear. Alyssa Scolari: And you don't want to have too much jargon. You want to be really, really concise. Some people, because they get so nervous when they're setting boundaries, they tend to just talk and talk and talk. And I absolutely used to do this, right? If somebody asked me if they could borrow my laptop and I didn't want them to, I would say, "Well, I spent a lot of money on this laptop. And in order for me to really feel comfortable giving it away, I have to know what you're going to be doing on it. How long are you going to need it for? If you're going to need it for more than 30 seconds, it's going to be really hard for me, because I have to do this and that." And I would just go on and on and on, as opposed to being straight to the point. Alyssa Scolari: And when you go on and on and you have too much jargon, people might not get it, or people are going to see loopholes. People are going to say, "Okay, well you said this. So if I do this, then can I have the laptop?" So you want to be concise. You want to cut the jargon. You want to have a neutral tone. Alyssa Scolari: And here's the other thing, and this is a hard one for some people. You don't want to say things like, "Maybe," "Kind of," "I don't know," right? This goes into step number two, right? And step number two is directly stating your need. So number one, being clear and neutral and concise. Number two is directly stating your need. And in doing both of those things, we really want to leave out the language that suggests that you could possibly change your mind. I really like to let people down easily. So I am famous for being like, "I don't really think so," or "Not at this time," or, "Unfortunately, it doesn't look like we'll be able to go, or, "Maybe not now. Maybe some other time. I am famous for that, because I don't want to sound mean by setting a boundary. Alyssa Scolari: But here's the thing that I need to remember and that you need to remember, and that is that setting boundaries, it's not a mean thing at all. It is a way to give you the peaceful and happy life that you want. And if somebody can't respect your boundaries, that is a sign that you needed to set those boundaries in the first place. Alyssa Scolari: So I have really been practicing on this one. And I set a boundary with a family member a few months ago. They asked me to go somewhere, and I didn't want to go. I didn't feel comfortable. I didn't feel safe going. And so normally. I would feel the need to be like, "Oh, well, we have plans and we can't go because blah, blah, blah." But instead, I directly said, "Thank you for the offer. We can't make it. Have a good time." Alyssa Scolari: Now, this person did not respect my boundary in the slightest. And this person said some pretty nasty stuff back. But it doesn't matter, because I did what I needed to do to keep myself safe. And quite frankly, this person reacting the way they did was really no surprise, because I needed to set that boundary a long time ago. Alyssa Scolari: So let's go into a few more examples. How about somebody, the person in your family who's constantly talking about weight and in front of you, right? You go out to dinner with somebody and they're like, "Oh, I got to get back to it tomorrow. And Monday, I'm going to step on the scale again." You can say something like, "I feel uncomfortable when you talk about weight. Please stop." Alyssa Scolari: Let's say you have a roommate or a friend or even a child who borrows your car, and they come back and they never have the tank filled up. You can say, "I need you to fill my car up with gas after you use it." That's it. You're not even asking, right? You don't even want to ask, because then you give people the option of saying no. Some people will try to set boundaries by being like ... And by some people, I totally mean me, right? Some people will be like, "Oh, well, do you think that you could please fill up my car with gas?" You give them the option to say no. There should not be an option to say no when it comes to you setting a boundary for yourself. You are directly stating your need or your request, or you're directly saying no. Alyssa Scolari: So again, this might sound harsh, especially for those of us who struggle with setting these, but these tools are life saving. And you have to remember and tell yourself over and over and over again that you are not being mean. Alyssa Scolari: Let's say you have a family member who loves to talk. Let's say your mom. Let's say your mom. Let's say you have a brother, and your mom loves to talk to you and gossip to you about your brother. Your mom's always complaining about your brother, your brother this, your brother that, "Your brother never comes around anymore. I haven't seen your brother in weeks," things like that. And you don't want to hear it anymore. All you have to say is, "Mom, I really don't like it when you talk to me about my brother. Please stop." And that's it. That is it. You are not at all being mean when you say those things. Alyssa Scolari: The biggest fear here, when you make a request, when you say no, when you state a need, the biggest fear is in how people are going to respond, which is why step three is dealing with the emotions that come after setting the boundary, whether that be guilt, whether that be anxiety, whether that be fear or awkwardness or discomfort. Alyssa Scolari: And Nedra makes a really good point in her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace. She makes a really good point of saying, "It's almost impossible to set boundaries without guilt, because we live in a society that has just set us up to feel like we need to give of ourselves all the time, because when we give of ourselves, we have nothing left over for us. And therefore we get sicker, and therefore this world profits off of us. So it really is like a win-win situation for the world that we live in for us to not have boundaries." Alyssa Scolari: So in a society that teaches us that boundaries are mean, it's not really likely that you're going to be able to set them without guilt. I have yet to set a boundary without feeling some level of guilt, and I always have to work through it. Guilt, awkwardness, fear, discomfort, it's so important to work through that. And how do you do that? By telling yourself a lot of what we're talking about, by reminding yourself of what we are talking about here today. Alyssa Scolari: Another... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/23333039

Covid Had Other Plans 05/31/2022

Episode 96: Pushing Past Our Fears About Setting Boundaries with Alyssa Scolari, LPC 05/24/2022

Episode 96: Pushing Past Our Fears About Setting Boundaries with Alyssa Scolari, LPC In this week’s episode, Alyssa continues the important discussion from last week surrounding boundaries. Pulling from Nedra Glover Tawwab’s book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, this week’s discussion centers on the following: Different ways people might react to setting boundaries Why we are often afraid to set boundaries How we can push past our fears around setting boundaries Nedra Tawwab's Instagram: @nedratawwab Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: Transcript: Alyssa Scolari [00:00]: Hey everybody, what's up? Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I'm your host Alyssa Scolari, talking about boundaries today. This is the part two of a series that we are doing on boundaries. In the first episode, which if you haven't listened to, I highly recommend you go back and check that out. In that first episode, we talked about what are boundaries and why do we need them, why are they so important. We also talked about the different types of boundaries: porous, rigid, and healthy. And we also talked about some of the biggest areas in which people tend to struggle with boundaries the most. Alyssa Scolari [01:08]: As I mentioned in last week's episode, so much of this information is taken from a book that I highly recommend. It is called Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab, and you can also listen to it on Audible if you're not a big reader and you'd rather listen. I listen to the book on Audible. You can go look in the show notes, if you want access to the book, or if you want to follow Nedra on Instagram. She's absolutely amazing therapist and does awesome work with boundaries. And I said this last week, but it is worth repeating, I personally believe that boundaries are the most important tool that you can have with you, not just for healing from trauma, but throughout your entire life. Alyssa Scolari [01:58]: That being said, I also personally believe it's one of the hardest things to do, and it brings up a lot of feelings for people. I feel like I should probably say that. It's really, really hard, particularly for survivors of trauma who have been taught that our needs don't matter. And again, I speak about all of this in the last week's episode, so feel free to go and check that out if you haven't already. That being said, if you haven't listened to it, I don't think that you necessarily do need to listen to it in order to benefit from this episode. I think you can kind of just dive right in today with the rest of us. Alyssa Scolari [02:39]: So just some housekeeping things. I actually know, I started off last week's episode by talking about how I had gone no contact with my family. I know that I've been talking for the last couple of weeks about how I've been struggling a lot with depression, and then some things happened and I went no contact with my family and just wanted to follow up and say that I am hanging in there. I'm doing all right. I think that I'm better than I've been in a long time. I'm taking space and time to grieve and to give myself grace. But overall, I think I am better than I've been in a really long time. So feeling good, feeling energized, excited to be out of that depressive funk. It was awful. So really excited to be out of that, really excited to just have a new kind of zest for life. Alyssa Scolari [03:44]: It's been really hot here where I live, so I've been staying hydrated, trying to stay cool, but I've also gotten a chance to really enjoy the outdoors. I've been posting pictures on my Instagram, so if you have an Instagram and you want to go check it out, my Instagram is Light After Trauma. And our backyard is looking amazing. We have been building it into this little like oasis and we have tons of plants with really bright, happy flowers. And then we made this giant... Well, not giant, but we made this patio space and we have a little waterfall and we got a fire pit and we got furniture. And then we got string lights that hang above the patio. So at night, you sit out there with a fire on and the sounds of the waterfall and the beautiful lights, and it is just dreamy. It is so dreamy. Alyssa Scolari [04:45]: I have been having the most fun with David making our backyard the perfect oasis. We have a very small yard. I, by no means, want to come across as acting like we have this giant yard because we really don't. It's super tiny, but we have absolutely made the most of the space, and I just couldn't be more thrilled. So I highly recommend that you go check it out. I mean, if you're into that sort of thing. Alyssa Scolari [05:15]: So that's been really fun. And then on the EMDR front, because I have not given anyone an EMDR update in a while. So those of you who might remember, a few months ago, I had told you that I was getting ready to start EMDR. And if that is a new word or a new acronym for you, I do an episode with LCSW Melissa Parks on the podcast, that you can go check it out and see what EMDR is. It is a treatment for trauma, and it's supposed to be a highly effective treatment for trauma, one in which you aren't necessarily required to talk about your memories bit by bit. And it really, as far as I understand, helps to rewire your brain. I have heard from so many people that EMDR is absolutely life changing and I am starting it for myself. And if I love it and I feel that it's really effective and really great, I am going to go ahead and then get trained in it for my clients. Alyssa Scolari [06:19]: Speaking of which, I am accepting new clients right now. So if you are living in the states of Florida or New Jersey, and soon to be Massachusetts, feel free, you can reach out to me. If you are interested in working together, or if you know anybody who needs therapy, feel free to reach out. I'd love to work with you. I'm excited to finally be accepting new clients, but I digress. Alyssa Scolari [06:44]: So back to the EMDR, I had started with a guy a couple of months ago at this point, I want to say like March and he kept... Well, first of all, he didn't show up for our second appointment. But aside from that, he kept messing up the times of our appointments. He would text me and say, “Hey, what time are we meeting?” Like, several times. Once in a while, of course, whatever, all therapists are human, but this was several times right out of the gate when we started working together. And it was starting to stir up some abandonment stuff in me, because I'm like, why doesn't this person care enough to write down when we're meeting? So I ended my treatment with that person and I was really proud of myself because I didn't just ghost. It's easier, I think in some ways to ghost, but I actually stated very clearly what my issue was. So I was really proud of myself for doing that. And then I found another therapist that I met with and it just wasn't a good match at all. Alyssa Scolari [07:57]: This therapist had said something that I found offensive, and I tried to give that person the benefit of the doubt. But then as the session went on, this person wasn't necessarily fully listening to my answers to the questions that I was being asked. They would ask me a question, but then as I would answer it, they would be not even looking at me, on another computer, typing out the answer to the previous question. So then they would get done typing, I've already answered their next question, and then they would look at me and be like, “Oh, what'd you say again?” And I was like, “Ooh, ooh, I don't... I don't like this.” It just didn't feel good. It's a personal preference. I don't like when somebody's looking at a computer screen the whole time when I'm sharing intimate details of my trauma. I don't like it. It makes me feel unsafe. Alyssa Scolari [08:58]: So I found somebody new and I met with this new person on last week, I don't know, one day, but I absolutely loved her. There were no red flags for me. I felt comfortable and I'm really looking forward to working with this person. So I am really hoping that it works out. And honestly, this just goes to show you that you are allowed to be super picky when it comes to a therapist. I know I've done episodes like this in the past, but I just want to reiterate, you can and should be picky with your therapist. Do not settle. If there's something in you, that's like, “Hey, this isn't quite right.” You have to go with that feeling. And because I went with those feelings in my gut, I have now found somebody who I think is going to be a really, really good fit for me. Alyssa Scolari [09:53]: So I'm really excited about that. So I will keep you all posted. I haven't officially gotten into the EMDR stuff yet, but I will let you know how that process goes. It's supposed to be really difficult and really tiring. It gets a lot worse before it gets better, but I'm really looking forward to it nonetheless. So I will keep you all posted. Alyssa Scolari [10:16]: Okay. So getting right back into it today, we are talking more about boundaries and just some more information why people don't set boundaries, what the fear is around setting boundaries, and how to appropriately deal with that fear. As I talked about in the last week's episode, there are so many reasons why we need boundaries. And people experiencing burnout and stress and conflict in their relationships, they are just a few of the many, many reasons. One thing that I did not mention last week is we talk about burnout and how burnout is a direct... Well, not always direct, but it is more often than not, a sign of having poor boundaries. And one of the places where people tend to experience burnout and difficulty with boundaries in general is in the work field, the workforce, particularly when we talk about doctors. Alyssa Scolari [11:24]: So according to Nedra Tawwab in her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, burnout from doctors and surgeons costs this country $4.6 billion a year, $4.6 billion. How does that happen? You might be asking, how does burnout cost money? Well, it cost money because as a result of burnout, doctors are making medical mistakes and misdiagnoses that will then go on to cost, whether in the form of having to redo tests or rewrite prescriptions, or even in the form of lawsuits. It will cost $4.6 billion. So there is no question here like, are boundaries important? Can we live without them? We can't. We ultimately can't live a healthy life without them, quite literally. It can cost some people their lives. It can cost some people their careers. It can cost people their relationships. Alyssa Scolari [12:36]: Boundaries are really uncomfortable to set. They are really, really scary. But as Brené Brown has once said, and this is also taken directly from Nedra's book, “Sometimes we need to choose that temporary discomfort over eventual long term resentment.” So yes, boundaries will create this temporary discomfort, but it's preferred over this long term resentment where you start to resent your job, or you start to resent your partner, or you start to resent your friend or whatever it may be. The short term discomfort is much more desired, quite honestly, and experiencing that temporary discomfort is only one of the many reasons in which for why people are afraid to set boundaries. There are other reasons that people are afraid of setting boundaries. And one of those reasons is like, I have a fear of being rejected. This one is definitely true for me. I think that I am afraid of every reason for not setting boundaries that you could possibly have. Like, I have all of them. Fear of rejection or possible abandonment. Is this person going to leave me? Is this person going to reject me? Are they going to walk away from me? Alyssa Scolari [14:03]: Another reason is assuming it's not going to work, “Ah, it's not going to work. You don't know this person.” I often get this response. When I talk about setting boundaries with people, I often will get this like, “Ah, you don't know this person.” Like, they've been stuck in their ways for years and there's no use in asking them to change now. It's not going to be effective. I personally think that that's a cop out. I really do. Because you can't predict how somebody's going to react, and you can say that they're not going to change, but ultimately you don't know unless you start reinforcing that boundary. Alyssa Scolari [14:51]: So I sort of think that this one is a little bit of a cop out. Like I can see that this is a genuine reason why, and I too have said to... You know, I have found myself saying to my therapist like, “Oh, you know, this person's never going to change. There's no point in trying to set a boundary.” And honestly, when I look back at it, I'm like, that was such a cop out. I just was afraid. I was just afraid. Alyssa Scolari [15:14]: So that is another reason. An additional reason is you get your value from helping others. This is going to ring true for my people pleasers out there. If you get your value from helping others, we need to look at that. We need to reevaluate. I find this to be true with so many folks, especially those who didn't get their needs met in childhood. We have been taught that it is our job to serve others, to be there for others. And eventually, we learn that our worth lies in what we can do for other people. If you get your value from helping other people, it's definitely something to look at. That's not to say that you shouldn't enjoy helping others. You can, but when you get to a point where you feel like you're not good enough, as long as you are not helping somebody, then we've got to talk about that because you are worthy just as you are. You're worth does not depend on what you do. Alyssa Scolari [16:23]: Another reason people don't set boundaries is because they feel mean doing it. They feel like people are mean, or they feel like what they're doing is going to be mean. It could be that they feel like other people are mean, but that kind of falls under the same category as rejection. This is more like, you know, I feel like I'm being mean by saying, “Hey, I can't pick up the phone right now. I know it's 10:00 o'clock. I know you're having a panic attack. I'm sorry, I can't pick up the phone.” That is so hard to do, and I completely understand why it feels mean. I too have been there. Being a therapist, people will reach out to me for advice all of the time. Well, a little less so now, because my boundaries are so much better. Alyssa Scolari [17:12]: But I remember one time, I had a friend who was in a very abusive relationship, and this person would call me all the time or text me all the time and ask me for advice, for support, or help. Would even ask me to talk to their partner. Like, “Hey, please talk to this person, please. You know, you're a therapist, please try to knock some sense into this person.” And you know what? Back then, years ago, I felt like I had to. When this person would text me at 10:00 o'clock at night, telling me that they had to leave the house because their partner was throwing an abusive fit, I felt like I had to pick up the phone and talk. When this person would say, “Hey, can you please talk to my partner? My partner really needs help, they're being abusive.” I felt like I had to. I would pick up the phone, I would talk to my friend, I would talk to their partner. I would quite literally be doing like couples therapy things, which I should have never done. Alyssa Scolari [18:18]: Again, I wasn't really doing therapy, but it was just like, I was giving advice. I was filling a role that they should have had a therapist fill. And I started to feel a lot of resentment. I started to feel like I was only useful to this person so long as I was giving them some kind of advice on what they can do with their partner. And guess what? That person never took any of my advice, never, ever took any of my advice. Over time, I started to feel a ton of resentment, but I could not set that boundary because I felt mean. I felt mean. Eventually, the level of resentment that I had outweighed any fear I had of being mean and I finally set that boundary and was like, “Hey, I can't do this. You know, I've been doing my best, but like, I can't. I'm burnt out, I'm spent.” And you know what? I felt really mean doing it and guess what? That person, we don't actually talk anymore. But the reason we don't talk isn't because I was mean. Setting limits for yourself is not a mean thing. Alyssa Scolari [19:33]: As I said in last week's episode, you have to set those limits because people thrive off of you not setting boundaries. People love that because then you give and give and give, but nobody can look out for you more than you have to look out for you. Saying no is not mean. And oftentimes, we can kind of trace this back to our childhoods, where we are taught that other people's needs matter more than ours. I know that's certainly the case for me. Therefore, I felt like I couldn't tell anybody no, and I know that's the case for many trauma survivors. Alyssa Scolari [20:15]: That being said, this is much easier said than done, but it is not mean to set boundaries. It's important to remember, and this is also a brilliant little nugget of wisdom from Nedra's book. People are only going to treat you as well as you treat yourself. So if you're not having good boundaries, if you're not taking care of yourself, other people are not going to treat you that well either. In the case of this friend that I was talking about, I wasn't treating myself well. I was picking up the phone in the middle of the night. I was talking to this person for hours on end, knowing that this person never once sort of like returned in the favor and never once said, “Oh, hey, you know, tell me about you.” I wasn't taking good care of myself. And because I wasn't, because I didn't say how I felt or call things out right from the get-go, I kind of opened the door to let this person take full advantage of me essentially. Alyssa Scolari [21:23]: And then one of the other ways that I think that causes people, or one of the other things that I think causes people to not set boundaries, and I can't quite remember if this got talked about in the book, I'm sure it did, but this is something that I've noticed a lot just simply within myself or within my practice or just my day to day life is that a lot of people assume that other people should already know something. A lot of people say like, “Oh, well, it's common sense.” Like common sense would tell you, especially a lot of maybe business owners or really anybody. Let's say you're out to dinner on a Friday night with your friends and your friend keeps getting this call from her boss, “Oh, my boss keeps calling me. My boss keeps calling me.” And the friend gets frustrated and she's like, “Well, common sense would tell my boss not to call me on a Friday night when I'm off the clock.” A lot of people often do this with children too. “Common sense should tell my teenager not to ride their bike on a busy highway.” Alyssa Scolari [22:35]: But the thing we have to remember is that common sense isn't common. Common sense is very much dependent on how you grew up, the messages that you were raised with. There really is no such thing as common sense. Common sense isn't common to people. And we can't assume that other people can read our minds, and I think that's where a lot of us get tripped up, including myself. I see this especially... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/23206865

Episode 95: Boundaries: A Crucial Tool for Healing and Thriving with Alyssa Scolari, LPC 05/17/2022

Episode 95: Boundaries: A Crucial Tool for Healing and Thriving with Alyssa Scolari, LPC This week on the podcast Alyssa discusses a brand new, multi-episode topic. Pulling from Nedra Glover Tawwab’s book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, Alyssa discusses what boundaries are, why we need them, and some of the most prominent areas in which people struggle to set boundaries. Nedra Tawwab’s Instagram: @nedratawwab Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: Transcript: Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hi everybody, welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I am your host, Alyssa Scolari. Glad to be back here today. We are talking about boundaries which is in my opinion, one of the most important tools too, and not just healing, but also one of the most important tools that you can use in your everyday life as you go throughout your entire life. You need boundaries all of the time. Alyssa Scolari [00:50]: So before we get into that, just a few housekeeping things. If I have not gotten back to you yet, I know a few of you have reached out to me on Patreon. If I haven't gotten back to you yet, please forgive me. It's been a little bit hectic. I know that in the last episode, I talked about how I have really been struggling with depression. And at the time that I recorded that episode, I was saying like, "I just don't know why I feel this way, and I have done absolutely everything I can do to try to make myself feel better. I've tried to take care of myself to the best of my ability, and yet still, here I am so depressed." Alyssa Scolari [01:31]: Now in the time between when I recorded that episode, and when I am recording this episode, I have a lot more insight into why I was feeling the way that I was feeling. I thought that I understood maybe a part of why I was feeling really depressed with the anniversary of my mom getting really sick, but now that I've ... Well, I should say now that certain events in my life have unfolded, I can confidently say that I know more about why I was feeling so depressed, and I think that emphasizes the importance of hanging in there and riding the wave even if you don't understand what's happening because sometimes we don't understand what's happening, but it's important to hang in there anyway because I am on the mend. Alyssa Scolari [02:24]: Well, somewhat. I will continue to get better, and I now understand that I was gearing up for a goodbye. And I'm just going to briefly touch on what has happened. I will more than likely do an episode where I go into a little bit more depth about it, but I don't know for sure yet, I'm still trying to process what happened. And I'm still trying to grieve and figure out for myself what life is going to look like now because this truly was the hardest decision that I have ever made in my life. Alyssa Scolari [03:09]: I have made the decision to go no contact with my family and briefly, I had a falling out with my brother shortly after I recorded last week's episode. And due to the falling out with my brother, I terminated that relationship because I realized that it was not healthy for me at all, and hasn't been healthy for me for probably 30 years. And so I terminated that relationship. And as a result of terminating that relationship, my mother and I had a falling out about that. And it was really at that point that I knew for me that these relationships aren't going to work in my life no matter how much I wish that they would. Alyssa Scolari [04:12]: So I realize that it's time, it's time to walk away, it's time to say goodbye. It's time to step back from all of this, and as much as it hurt me, I don't question whether or not I did the right thing. I know that I have done the right thing. I don't question that because it was so harmful for me to continue in relationships where I can't be my authentic self, and so I had to walk away and it's ironic I think that this episode, we are talking about boundaries because this was a result. Alyssa Scolari [04:57]: This incident was a result of me trying to set boundary after boundary that just wasn't working and when it comes to family conflict or any kind of conflict, going no contact like right now, I think we are really in cut you off culture. "Well, you're not doing things my way, so I'm just going to cut you off." And a lot of people do that and that's passive aggressive when we're not actually explicitly stating the problem, that can be pretty passive aggressive, but cut off or cutting somebody off, not this cutoff culture that we live in where we're so quick to just be like, "I'm done with you." Alyssa Scolari [05:41]: Making the decision to go no contact with somebody or cut somebody off is typically or should be if exercised in the appropriate way, it should be a decision that comes after years and years or not even years, but after multiple failed attempts at trying to repair the relationships or trying to establish boundaries in the relationships, right? That's when we start talking about, "Do I even want to be in this relationship, friendship, et cetera, if things aren't improving?" So when I say that I went no contact, I by no means want to give the impression that this was an impulsive decision or something that I have done without ever really trying to fix the problem. Alyssa Scolari [06:30]: This is something that for me personally has been 30 years in the making. And again, I don't question whether I did the right thing or the wrong thing. I know it was the right thing for me, but there is a heavy amount of grief there just because it was the right decision doesn't mean that it hasn't been really difficult for me. There's a lot of grief, there's a lot of pain, there's a lot of anger and it feels like I've been preparing for it this whole last month with how depressed I was feeling. Alyssa Scolari [07:13]: I started reading Harry Potter again and mind you, I don't like J.K. Rowling, and I do not buy things now that support her. I have the books Harry Potter is, and always will be one of the most important parts of my childhood and my adulthood apparently. So I don't like Joanne Rowling. She is a trans exclusionary, radical feminist. She is extremely transphobic. She is very, very harmful to the transgender community, so don't support her at all as an aside, but I have been reading Harry Potter and Harry Potter is something that got me through so much when I was younger. So, so much. Alyssa Scolari [08:03]: This boy that has been hurt time after time after time and had nobody there or seemingly nobody there, but persisted anyway. And I started picking up those books again recently, and I've been really, really into them and just really drawn into to that world. And I think because emotionally speaking, there are so many parallels with Harry Potter's worlds and mine, and so in a way it feels like I knew this was coming. Alyssa Scolari [08:38]: I think my body was just preparing and then it happened, and I feel a lot of things, grief and relief. The whole gamut of emotions is what I feel. So I have been really just taking time to heal and recover and learn how to move through my life, and I guess just heal. That's the bottom line, I'm figuring out how to heal. So if I'm less responsive on Patreon, bear with me. If I'm less responsive on Instagram, also bear with me. Alyssa Scolari [09:19]: I am just taking my time to move through all of the feelings as they come, and we will see where I'm at next week. I will, of course update you on how I'm feeling and things of that nature, but that is what happened. I had to go no contact with my family and it sucked. It sucked, bottom line. So enough about that. Let's get into what we're talking about today, and what we're talking about today is boundaries as I mentioned. Alyssa Scolari [09:50]: So boundaries is, or boundaries are the one thing that I think so many people hate when it comes to therapy and healing and recovery because they are the hardest things to set. I believe, especially for trauma survivors who have typically had some part of our bodies or minds controlled by somebody else, trauma survivors who have been made to feel like their body isn't their own or their voice doesn't matter. We really struggle with boundaries, and I really struggled with boundaries. Alyssa Scolari [10:31]: I once had a supervisor tell me several jobs ago that I had terrible boundaries. Actually, she didn't say I had terrible boundaries. She said I had shitty boundaries, yelled at me and told me that I had boundaries. I was horrified by that. I was super young. I was super new in the field, and I look back at that and I'm like, huh? She was right. Now, don't get me wrong. She was so, so wrong to say that, and it was so inappropriate of her to say that, and I was so angry at how she said that to me, but she was right, she was absolutely right. Alyssa Scolari [11:15]: And I have had to work so hard over the last several years to make my boundaries healthier. I believe that boundaries are a work in progress. I think we are always working on them, and I don't think we ever get to the space where we're like a hundred percent perfect in all of our boundaries. I don't know, maybe we do, but I've never met anybody who's a hundred percent perfect in all of their boundaries, but it's something to always be worked on because at the end of the day, boundaries are the gateway to healing, they are the gateway to peace. Alyssa Scolari [11:53]: They are the gateway to good and happy and healthy relationships with ourselves, and others. Boundaries are everything. I firmly believe that, and so many other therapists out there also believe that. So we are talking about this right now. What are boundaries? Why do we need them? How do I know if I have poor boundaries? What do I do if I have terrible boundaries? How do I get better? Why is this so scary for me? How do I move past the anxiety around setting boundaries? Alyssa Scolari [12:30]: We're talking about all of it, and we are not going to be able to fit all of it into one episode. So this is going to be a multiple episode topic, but we're getting through it because I think that this is one of the most useful tools to have in your tool belt. Dare I say it is the most useful tool, at least for me, it's been the most useful. Absolutely. So over the course of the next few episodes, I am going to be pulling a lot of information from one of my favorite books about boundaries, and the author of this book is Nedra Glover Tawwab, and if you don't follow her on Instagram, you absolutely should. Alyssa Scolari [13:21]: She is incredible. She has 1.5 million followers. She is phenomenal, a phenomenal therapist. So I will link her Instagram as well as the book in the show notes. So you can feel free to go and check that out, but the title of her book is called Set Boundaries, Find Peace, A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. This book is amazing. It's not super long. I have listened to it several times on Audible, so I just listened to it in my car when I'm driving. Alyssa Scolari [13:58]: I highly recommend this book. It was truly life changing for me, and I think that this book was part of the reason why I was able to get to a place where I said no more to my relationship with my family. So let's get right into it. The first question being, what are boundaries? And I think this is one of the first chapters in Nedra's book Set Boundaries, Find Peace. What in the world are boundaries? How do we define boundaries? Right? Alyssa Scolari [14:30]: That word in itself when I bring it up to people, a lot of people, they know what they are, but have trouble putting words to it. So we're going to break it down very simply which is boundaries are rules or expectations that need to be met in order for relationships whether that relationship is with ourselves or with other people. Rules, expectations that need to be met in order for relationships to operate in a healthy manner. In order for us to be happy, boundaries are required. Alyssa Scolari [15:15]: So let's break that down a little bit, right? It might make sense at first to be like, "Okay, well, I understand why boundaries might be needed with other people, but what do you mean myself? How do I set boundaries with myself?" And sometimes, that looks like getting on a schedule, having a routine, making time to detox from technology, right? Getting off the phone, getting off the computer. All of these little things that we do are self-boundaries. Alyssa Scolari [15:49]: They're boundaries that we have with ourselves to keep ourselves happy and healthy. So why do we need them? Why on earth do we need boundaries? Well obviously, it keeps us happy and healthy, but what happens when we don't have them? What happens if we don't have boundaries that are strong enough or boundaries that are too strong? Well, according to Nedra, relationships that are complicated or relationships that don't have great boundaries are among the leading causes of anxiety. Alyssa Scolari [16:29]: So poor relationships, relationships that aren't healthy, relationships that need improvement on boundaries are one of the biggest causes of anxiety. And that makes so much sense because so many people come to therapy, not just in a vacuum, right? People don't come to therapy and just say, "Well, I am struggling with depression." Or, "I have an eating disorder." No, behind the depression, behind the eating disorder, behind the anxiety disorder is typically, "Well, I have problems with this person and I have issues at work, and my boss is making me work 60 hours a week, and my mother won't stop calling me and my partner won't let me talk to other people of the opposite sex." Alyssa Scolari [17:19]: People come to therapy with problems that involve more often than not other people. I have never sat down with a client who came to me with a problem, and the problem was just a little, just about them. This problem almost always encompasses other people. So when we don't have boundaries, we don't have healthy enough boundaries, we tend to fail in our relationships or our relationships don't serve us, and this can exacerbate mental health disorders, and especially for somebody who has trauma, has a history of trauma, this can really exacerbate PTSD symptoms. Alyssa Scolari [18:05]: So how do you know if you are somebody who doesn't have great boundaries? Well, a lack of boundaries in itself can trigger an onset of tons of negative things, right? Including resentment and anxiety and depression and avoidance can also include overwhelm, feelings of burnout. These are all signs that boundaries are poor. I learned in grad school, I think one of the most important things that I learned in grad school and a tool that I keep in my back pocket to this day is my professor said it, Dr. Jim Hall who is amazing, love Dr. Hall. Alyssa Scolari [18:57]: He said to us one day in class, "If you are feeling burned out, if you are feeling stressed out, if you are starting to resent some of the clients that you are working with, that is a sign that you need better boundaries in your life." And I have never forgotten that. So this day, if I find myself getting not necessarily resentful because I don't really resent my clients, but sometimes if I get frustrated, if I feel like I'm working really, really hard, and this person isn't necessarily like meeting me halfway, or if I start to get burned out and I start to feel really, really overwhelmed, I know that that problem is my problem. Alyssa Scolari [19:46]: That's not a problem for my clients. The problem isn't my clients, it's never my clients. If I'm feeling some kind of way, that is because my boundaries aren't good enough or because something is going on within me, it's not the client's fault at all. That is a sign that my boundaries aren't as great as they could be. And so to this day, every time I felt this way, I have made it a point to readjust my boundaries, tighten them up a little, and then I feel so much better, and I enjoy my job so much more because here's the thing, right? Alyssa Scolari [20:22]: We live in this world where we almost shame selfishness in some ways. In some areas, we shame selfishness, right? Oh, you're being so selfish. Oh, why don't you care about anybody else? And then of course, in other ways, I feel like we live in a very, at least in the United States, right? It's very every man for himself, every woman for himself, every person for themselves. But in some ways, I find when it includes mental health and relationships, interpersonal relationships, it is more along the lines of we get shamed for putting ourselves first. Alyssa Scolari [21:11]: Oh, well, how could you not pick up the phone when that person needs you? You're not a good person. Why aren't you, why aren't you helping them move this weekend? And the thing about that is at the end of the day, you cannot save anybody else if you don't put your oxygen mask on first. You can't help other people if you can't help yourself and you will continue to have relationships where you feel resentful, or you feel like your needs aren't getting met until you decide that you have to come first, until you decide that you looking out for you is not selfish. Alyssa Scolari [21:58]: It is self-care. It is a requirement for survival for thriving. You have to look out for you first. Now, this is a really hard concept for people who are chronic people pleasers. I was raised as a people pleaser. I was raised that it doesn't matter what's going on in your life, it doesn't matter what's happening in your world. You need to drop everything and be there for other people, and if you don't, it's selfish, it's not right. It's not okay. Alyssa Scolari [22:34]: This is very, very hard to do, right? Because for those of us who are people pleasers, as soon as somebody needs us, or as soon as the going gets tough, the first thing to go on our list is usually self-care. We will put self-care so low on the totem pole because we are trying to meet the needs of everybody else first. This is often really true with moms. Moms, dads, parents. This is so true. Alyssa Scolari [23:01]: We will put, I say we like I'm a parent. I'm a dog mom, okay? It counts. We will put our needs so low on the totem pole. I have to feed the kids. I have to get them dressed. I have to take them to their after school sports. And we during none of that make time for ourselves in the slightest. Now listen, I'm not saying it's easy. Being a mom, I think is the hardest job in the whole world. Alyssa Scolari [23:36]: Being a parent in general I think is the hardest job in the entire world. Of course because of stigma, right? Because of the patriarchy, women are expected to do much more and often are doing so much more. So I think a lot of that pressure falls more on women and women are more likely to push their self-care to the side. So yeah, it's especially difficult when you have kids, when you have little ones who need you constantly to make time for yourself, but again, you can't show up as your best self to anybody if you're not putting yourself first. Alyssa Scolari [24:19]: And when we're not putting ourselves first and we're not getting our needs met, then we start to resent other people. And we feel like, "well, I'm always there for other people. Why isn't anybody showing up for me?" Because the other thing is, is that people benefit from you having poor boundaries, right? Nedra says this in the book and it is so important to remember. People benefit from you not having appropriate boundaries because then they can get... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/23119877

Episode 94: The Different Faces of Depression with Alyssa Scolari, LPC 05/10/2022

Episode 94: The Different Faces of Depression with Alyssa Scolari, LPC Depression might be clinically diagnosed as a very specific set of symptoms, but it is often so much more than that. Does your depression cause you to over-function? Does it cause you to under-function? Has your pain ever been invalidated because your symptoms don’t look like the stereotypical symptoms of depression? If so, you are not alone! Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: Transcript: Alyssa Scolari [00:19]: Hello. Hello. Welcome back to the Light After Trauma podcast. I'm your host, Alyssa Scolari, back with a solo episode, after taking a few weeks of doing a guest episode with Rebecca Christensen. It was a two-part series on narcissistic abuse. If you haven't gotten a chance to check it out, it is very good. Go check it out. I was taking a break, mostly because I haven't been feeling that great and physically I'm feeling mostly okay. But emotionally I have not been feeling well at all. April is just not my month. And so I definitely needed a few weeks off. So Rebecca and I had done this two-part episode and I thought now was a perfect time to be able to share it with you all, because it gave me a little bit of a break just to be able to recuperate and try to recover a little bit. And quite honestly, I am still not feeling good, at all. Alyssa Scolari [01:33]: And I think there's a million reasons why. I already know the answer to the why, but the question of how do I get these feelings to go away or to leave? I have yet to answer that because I've been feeling terrible for, I would say at least like a month at this point. I have just been really struggling with depression. And I know that there's a lot going on. Just as an example, this time of year, particularly, is really hard because four years ago was when my mom got really, really sick and she almost died. In fact, we were told that she was going to die and she made it and she survived, but not without months of her being in the hospital and being in ICU and her being up and down and up and down. And one minute she wasn't going to make it. And the next minute she might have a chance. Alyssa Scolari [02:43]: It was an emotional rollercoaster for months. And I can't forget it and I will never forget it. And I think this time of year is when it just hits me the hardest. My body... You Bessel van der Kolk said it best, right? Your body keeps the score. And my body has been reminding me that this time of year, four years ago, was really, really hard. I spent like 24 hours a day, just like praying to every God out there, that my mom would live. And she did. But it's hard because I feel like... I don't want to sound ungrateful because I'm very, very grateful for the circumstances, and I know other people don't have circumstances like that. Other people do lose their parents. So I'm trying not to act like this was the worst thing that ever could have happened. But with that being said, I think that I need to acknowledge that it was very traumatic and it's not even just that. It's a million other things, too, that have been going on and changes in my life and shifts in my relationships that have been really, really hard for me. Alyssa Scolari [04:06]: And I have been depressed. And it's really interesting to hear myself say that because I have always held... I think prior to becoming a therapist, I have always held such a stigma of depression. And I notice that the people around me, the world around us, people hold such a stigma about it. People are so much more likely to say I have OCD or I have anxiety, right? Anxiety is the big one. Anybody will walk up to you and be like, oh, my anxiety. Oh, my anxiety. But very few people will just kind of start talking about their depression. That is largely in part because of the stigma that we place on depression. It's okay to talk about anxiety, but it's not okay to talk about depression. Alyssa Scolari [05:00]: I don't really know why. I could theorize why I think that depression is kind of more serious sounding. And when people think depression, they think suicidal. And when people think suicidal, it makes them very uncomfortable. And therefore, we don't even want to breach that topic. So we're not even talking about it. I think that has a lot to do with it. But ultimately, I don't know for sure. But what I do know is that I even internalized that stigma for a while and had a really hard time talking about my depression. Happy to say, I don't have that hard of a time talking about it anymore. I feel like I've really released that stigma. And so that's what we're talking about today. Alyssa Scolari [05:45]: We are talking about depression. I think we really haven't yet just sat down, me and you, the listener, and had a chat about depression. I've had people on the show that I've talked about depression. Depression has been a theme of almost every episode that we've done, but what does it actually look like? And I think that what has really inspired me lately to share about this topic and to speak on this topic is, I think a lot of the judgements that I have received about my own depression, because if you had a conversation with me, you would have no clue that I was depressed. In fact, you would get the impression of the exact opposite. You would think that I was the happiest person in the world. In fact, people often describe me as being bubbly, which blows my mind, because that is the furthest thing from how I view myself... like bubbly me. Alyssa Scolari [06:53]: Absolutely not. I've often been compared to... I don't know if anybody's going to remember this, but the Powerpuff Girls with Buttercup, Bubbles and Blossom. That was one of my favorite shows growing up. People often compared me to Bubbles, who was like this very adorable little bubbly blonde. She was my favorite when I was growing up. And people often compare me to her and I don't see myself that way at all. So let's just talk for a second about what depression actually is, because contrary to what I think a lot of folks believe, depression is very, very, very different from sadness and in the DSM, which is that book that has all of the mental health diagnoses, it is really classified by multiple symptoms. And those symptoms are not like sadness. Sadness or a sad mood, is not a symptom of depression. That is how different they are... they're not even close. Sad versus depression... completely different things. Alyssa Scolari [08:08]: So some of the symptoms of depression include, a loss of appetite or overeating... so maybe issues with getting in touch with your hunger and fullness cues, or even your hydration cues, your thirst cues. Issues with sleeping... having depleted energy, or maybe being tired all the time, feeling fatigued all the time. Having a low self-esteem, difficulty with concentrating or making decisions. Feelings of hopelessness or despair is another one. The loss of interest and pleasure in a lot of the activities that you used to once find very pleasurable. Problems sleeping... either you can't fall asleep or you wake up throughout the night or you're having nightmares all the time. Perhaps changes in weight. Perhaps not always. We talked about low energy, problems thinking or making decisions, thoughts of guilt or worthlessness. And it can be, again, not always, repeated thoughts of death or suicide or a suicide attempt. Alyssa Scolari [09:20]: So basically there's two different kinds of depression in the DSM. There's major depressive disorder. And then there's different severities of that. So it can be mild, it can be moderate, it can be severe. It can be with psychotic features without psychotic features. Or we're not going to go into that today, because honestly, that's just going to bore you, but major depressive disorder... and that is when you have to have these symptoms, at least five of the symptoms for at least two weeks, then you can classify or qualify for having major depressive disorder. Then there's dysthymia. And dysthymia is also known as persistent depressive disorder. Now, persistent depressive disorder, or PDD, or dysthymia as you'll hear me call it throughout this episode, is less severe than major depressive disorder, but it lasts for much longer. So instead of having to meet five of those symptoms that I listed for PDD, you only have to meet two of those symptoms. Alyssa Scolari [10:31]: So it's certainly a less severe form of depression. But in order to have dysthymia, you have to have felt this way for at least two years with little to no relief. Whereas major depressive disorder is sort of like extremely depressed, noticeable changes, severe changes, but then you come out of it and then maybe you go back into it again, dysthymia is sort of this lower level or like lower grade depression that is just always there. I got to be honest. I don't love this. I really don't love the way the DSM breaks down depression, because honestly, what the fuck? Like, okay, well, what if somebody has both? What if somebody has low level depression all the time, but then it gets really, really bad sometimes. Or there's just so many loose ends with these with the way that depression is listed in the DSM. Alyssa Scolari [11:31]: And I've also almost always seen depression be a part of other mental health disorders. So it's, is this person dysthymic? Do they have PDD or do they have trauma that's taking them years to recover from. And as a result of the trauma, they have depression. Do we keep throwing diagnoses at people and just say, oh, well you have major depressive disorder. Oh, well it's been two years. And now you have PDD... I guess I don't agree with it. I think it's very confusing for folks. And I think it's very confusing even for mental health professionals. But, alas, this is what we're working with here. But I think that it's important to note that this really isn't the be-all end-all for depression. I know I've said this before, but in order to even create these diagnoses, there's no one way to create a diagnosis that's going to be the way for all of eternity. Alyssa Scolari [12:30]: Basically what happens is a bunch of mental health professionals get together in a room and decide what criteria needs to be in place in order to meet... in order to get a diagnosis. So humans are fallible. Therefore, I think that all of these diagnoses in themselves can be fallible. And that's what we're talking about today, because the way that depression is listed in the DSM and the way that therapists are trained to spot depression is very, very stereotypical, which is great, but the majority of people don't operate like this. Maybe not the majority, but many, many, many people do not experience these symptoms, but have depression or don't experience these symptoms outwardly, I should say. Alyssa Scolari [13:28]: So for example, if we can look at Winnie the Pooh for a second... bear with me. Let's take a look at Eeyore. Eeyore is your classic depression. He is depressed, right? Whether he has major depressive disorder or dysthymia... I would say he could probably have both. He perpetually has a low grade level of depression. I think sometimes maybe he feels a little better, especially after he finds his tail. But I would say that he also can suffer from major depressive disorder. I think that he doesn't function as well as the other members of Winnie the Pooh. And I do think that he could meet... I mean, I don't know for sure, but I think that if we talk to Eeyore, if I had him in my office, I think there's a strong possibility that he could have at least five of the symptoms that also would give him a diagnosis of major depressive disorder. Alyssa Scolari [14:36]: When we look at Eeyore, we have no questions about it. We are... Eeyore is depressed, but we can't really look at many people and go, that person is depressed. We just can't. It doesn't work like that. Most people don't walk around acting that way or showing that, and depression has so many different faces. And this is where I tend to get very frustrated because I think that again, as a society, people expect that depression is going to just look like the moping sad person, but it's not. And I have had multiple interactions lately, where, especially in this last month, as I said, I have not been doing well with... my depression has been... it's felt unbearable, to be honest. I don't feel well. And it sucks. And I am doing my best to work through it. And I am engaging in all of the coping skills. Alyssa Scolari [15:42]: I am not isolating myself. I'm trying to go out with friends. I am trying to get outside as much as I can, but at the end of the day, I still feel depressed. I still do. And I am just sort of like trying to ride the wave and wait for it to pass. But because I don't look depressed, my depression doesn't get taken seriously. So let's talk about what depression might look like on me, because, well, basically when we look at depression and anxiety and perhaps a few other mental health disorders, we have people who go into really essentially two different categories. We have chronic overfunctioners and then we have chronic underfunctioners. Alyssa Scolari [16:34]: I am somebody who is an overfunctioner when I am depressed... meaning I will get out of bed. I will brush my teeth. I will do my hair. I will work the entire week. I will extend myself when people need me. If people reach out to me, I will make sure that I respond immediately. I will answer all my emails. I will prepare all my meals. I will eat. I will drink. I will go out with friends. Like I am go, go, go, go, go, go, go. I appear happy. I appear bubbly. I am laughing. I am cracking jokes. I know I shared on my Instagram story... for those of you who follow me, a couple weeks ago, I shared that I had gone out with friends and I went out to meet them for really the first time this... the one person I knew I hadn't seen her in years, but the other people, I didn't know. And that is really, really scary for me. Especially being in a state where I had been feeling really depressed and really vulnerable. Alyssa Scolari [17:40]: I put myself in this situation, which I thought was going to help my depression. And it did. I think that it did, but I went out and I had a good time. Everybody was great. I felt like I was with people who were very similar to me. And I was the life of the party. I was literally the life of the party. I was cracking jokes. I was telling stories. I was laughing. I was engaged. I was making eye contact. I wasn't on my phone at all. I was playing with the animals. I was great. If anybody had been in that room and they had talked to me or they had even watched me, they would say, nope, there's zero risk factor here. What people don't know is that I came home that night and I was getting ready for bed. And I was very much in my head about, oh my God, did they like me? Did I say something stupid? Was I annoying? They probably hate me. I wonder if I'll be invited back. No, I definitely am not going to be invited back. Alyssa Scolari [18:48]: And I had a quick exchange with my husband and he said something to me that I interpreted incorrectly as a result of already being on edge. I sort of thought that he was like upset with me and I lost it. Like had a panic attack that lasted four hours. And look, I know that a lot of people love to say panic attacks only last three to five minutes. That is some bull shit, okay? That is some bullshit. If somebody says that to you, that's because they've never had a panic attack before. Panic attacks do not last for only three to five minutes. I could not breathe for hours. I was hyperventilating. I was sobbing. I was disassociated. I was... I was gone. I was gone. I was in a level of emotional pain that felt absolutely unbearable for me. Alyssa Scolari [19:54]: And as a result of that chronic breakdown, I barely slept. I woke up the next day feeling emotionally hungover. I was exhausted. And when I'm tired, I get even more depressed. So I kind of like lost my weekend to a meltdown that I had merely hours after going out and appearing like everything was absolutely fine. When I am depressed, and when people who are overfunctioners are depressed, you're not going to see us kind of like laying in bed. You're going to see us going and going and going and going until we break. And that is sort of... that is what I do. That is my tendency. And the more depressed I am, the more high energy I'm going to be. Maybe that sounds a little wild, but here's my reasoning behind it. Alyssa Scolari [20:50]: I can't speak for other people, but my reasoning behind it is because the more upset I feel... the more depressed I feel, the more vulnerable I am and I hate being vulnerable. It is really, really terrifying for me. I am working on it, right? The part of this podcast is... this whole episode is me being vulnerable. This is really hard to talk about, but when I'm vulnerable, because I hate it so much, I feel like I need to put on more of a show so that people can't tell that I'm hurting because it almost keeps people at bay, right... because people can't look at me and see my sadness. So they're not going to ask... because I'm like, don't ask me. Please don't look at me. Please don't see through me. I don't want you to see through me and see that I am in agony. I over function. So nobody knows. Alyssa Scolari [21:44]: Outwardly I don't display any of those symptoms, but I come home and I fall apart. And every symptom is there. I know one of the sure-fire ways when I am depressed, is that I stop drinking water. I literally just stop. Like I cannot get in touch with my thirst cues at all. And then my hunger cues go away. And then I feel tired all the time and I stop eating. And it's like... this past Saturday, I don't think I ate a full meal until four o'clock. And that is so unlike me, because I'm usually so good at getting all my meals in. Alyssa Scolari [22:26]: So depression can look like over-functioning. So please do not look at the people around you who appear to have it all together and say, oh, you don't know what it feels like. You don't know what it's like to be depressed... because I've had several people kind of say that to me this past month where, if somebody asks me how I'm doing, and I'm, honestly, I haven't been doing well. Or I said... I had an event to go to where I actually said hey, I don't think I'm going to be able to make it. I'm not really feeling well. And you know, this person was, oh, are you sick? And I was, no, honestly, just emotionally not doing well. Don't think I want to go. I really think I need this night to myself. And this person was... this person is not a close friend of mine, at all. Alyssa Scolari [23:16]: So I didn't really... it's not like this person like knows me really well. And it's not like I really care all that much that this person said this, but it does kind of piss me off... in general, I'm not angry at the person, but just in general, as a society like that, we think this way, because this person was, oh, but you look happy all the time, when I see you. I didn't know you were going through stuff emotionally. And I wanted to be, well, we are all going through stuff emotionally. Have you not been around for the past several years? We are all going through it. What do you mean, I didn't look sad? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't look sad. And I've just had several little comments like that throughout my life of people being, oh, well you didn't look sad or, oh, well, depression... you never told me you were depressed.... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/23043869

Episode 93: Narcissistic Abuse, Pt 2 with Rebecca Christianson, LCSW 05/03/2022

Episode 93: Narcissistic Abuse, Pt 2 with Rebecca Christianson, LCSW What is covert vs. overt narcissism? What do symptoms of abuse look like in victims? Can an abuser ever truly change? This week brings us part two of a two-part series with Rebecca Christianson, LCSW, on narcissistic abuse. Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: Transcript: Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hi, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I am your host, Alyssa Scolari, and we have part two today of our episode about narcissism with Rebecca Christianson, who you all know very well at this point, is the founder and owner of Rebellious Wellness Counseling in South Jersey. We are just going to jump right into it, pick up where we left off. So if you have not listened to last week's episode, please be sure to do so because we are breaking down narcissism into a two-part episode and this is part two. So if you didn't listen to part one, please remember to go back and listen. And really, we are just picking up where we left off. And where we left off is wanting to talk about the differences between covert narcissism and overt narcissism because narcissism can be glaring and in your face, but it can also be much more subtle. And I think Rebecca and I can probably both agree that both types are terrible, but covert narcissism can be, I don't know if I want to say a little bit more insidious, but it can be much more confusing for the victims. So do you want to take it, Rebecca? What do you have to say on that? Rebecca Christianson [01:43]: One of the ways that narcissism can be covert is that sometimes narcissists play this down, depressed ... They elicit empathy and you always end up feeling sorry for them. And so people are like, "Oh no, they're not a narcissist. They're depressed," but certainly there are times where people are depressed and are down and do need empathy and support. The problem is that a narcissist uses that to entice people to feel sorry for them. But those traits of narcissism like selfishness and they're never really trying to help other people, it's always just about getting people to help them. It's always about them. Alyssa Scolari [02:33]: Yes. Yeah, I can think in a relationship, a red flag for this could be ... And I guess I should say this and I think we might have said this in the other episode, but if we didn't, then it bears saying now. So Rebecca and I are giving examples, but the loved one in your life that you are thinking may or may not be a narcissist, we are not diagnosing this person. We're not that person's therapist, so we can't diagnose people. And simply because we are giving traits of what a narcissist can look like does not necessarily mean that somebody who has these traits is always going to be a narcissist. So just keep that in mind as you go through this process and just reflecting off of what Rebecca said, I think, a good example might be. The narcissist even tries to elicit sympathy if you are the one with a problem. Right? Would you agree with that? Rebecca Christianson [03:34]: Yep. Yes. Right. They elicit sympathy even if you're the one that has the problem, they will turn it around so that you are then taking care of them. They lack the ability to have compassion or empathy for other people. It always has to turn back around them so there's a very selfish nature in a covert narcissist and they keep you in this detrimental cycle. And it's really sometimes hard to see because we typically think of a narcissist, an overt narcissist, who is egocentric and the need for adoration and arrogant, also very selfish and lack sympathy, but very overt about it. And a covert narcissist does that very under the radar. It's hard to see sometimes. Alyssa Scolari [04:30]: Yeah. I think a covert narcissist, we can look at Adolf Hitler, I think we could say, was a clear example. And potentially some other political leaders in this world at this very moment, we can clearly identify them as overt narcissists. They are loud and out there about the fact that they really don't care about anybody but themselves and their own personal gains. Rebecca Christianson [04:58]: But they're very charming and there's that love bombing stage that we did talk about, I think, in part one, and they have this way of making you believe that even though they have those personality traits, you're the one that sees the real them. You're the one that can change them. You're the one that can help them understand why other people see them that way. They can hook you until you hit the devalue phase and discard phase. But even though the way we're talking about them, it seems like, "Well, who would even want to be friends with them?" they have a way, and that's the love bonding stage. They have a way of making you feel like a million dollars when you're with them in the beginning. Alyssa Scolari [05:44]: Yes, they're so charismatic, so charismatic. And I think also another good way to identify a covert narcissist is the one upper. Who's the one upper in your life? You had a bad day, they had a worse one. You got a nail in your tire. Well, guess what? They got four nails in their tire. Your kid is difficult. Well, guess what? The kid that they had is 20 times more difficult. You can't even begin to imagine how hard life is for them. Yeah. It's like the constant one upper in your life. Rebecca Christianson [06:20]: Yes. Yeah, absolutely. You're a hundred percent right about that. I think one of the things we talked about in this interview is are all narcissist abusive? Now, I did some research and I thought about that and that's a hard one. I don't know how to answer that. I really don't. Alyssa Scolari [06:44]: Yeah. I was thinking about this question too, and it's hard for me to picture a situation in which they're not abusive. I know we're not supposed to really be using all or nothing generalizations about people, but it's really hard for me to picture a narcissist who isn't abusive because they feed off of the attention from others. So it's not like a narcissist would ever just be a lone wolf, that they would never have an effect on other people. Right? Rebecca Christianson [07:27]: That's exactly what I thought too, is it's hard to imagine a scenario where that would not be an abusive cycle, where that would not turn into. It's really hard to imagine that. And I think one of the things that piggybacks of what we were saying earlier, as we're talking about, you think, "Well, who would want to be friends with somebody like that? Who would want to be in a relationship?" And as you mentioned, they're huge charmers. Their personalities are bigger than life. You're drawn to them. Rebecca Christianson [07:58]: And I think a lot of times, at least when I see people, I'm sure when you see people too, who have been victims of narcissists, they feel ashamed and feel like there's something about them that allowed them to ... They're not smart or they're not self-aware, all these different things, so I thought that was really important to point that narcissists get attracted to people who are intelligent, who have really good qualities. They are empathic and they do have a lot of compassion and they show a lot of heart and they're open. That's who narcissists are attracted to. So if you have those qualities, which are all really good qualities, you're a target for a narcissist. They need their ego fed and they need it fed by somebody who's intelligent and self-aware and open and empathic and can be vulnerable and are mature and have a lot of friends. That's who they need their ego fed, so the qualities that most of us strive to have are all what narcissists target. Alyssa Scolari [09:09]: A thousand percent, a thousand percent. They're not going for easy prey because it doesn't do anything for their ego. Relationships are all about feeding their ego. Rebecca Christianson [09:19]: All about feeding their ego. People who are all often successful and have many achievements and all those things, because that is who they want to feed their ego. If they can hook them, it just is all the better, too. And I think that's an important thing for people because they break you and they come out of that abusive relationship and you feel none of those things about yourself. That feels like another person. That feels like the former you. Therapy for somebody who's a victim of that is about helping them reattach to that person that they are, that they still are, but they've lost in this abusive cycle. They've lost themselves, but helping them reattach to who they really are and mend friendships that they've lost and mend the relationship with themselves. Rebecca Christianson [10:17]: I read this thing about the first step is learning how to observe, be an observer and observe your own thoughts and feelings and that person's thoughts and feelings and actions. And when you can start just observing, you can then start to have some detachment from the cycle, that abusive cycle, and some clarity. And then, obviously once you start to detach, going to therapy and starting to reattach to that former self that you feel like you lost is so important. But I read this thing about, if you don't know where to start, start meditating and be mindful, because meditation teaches you how to detach from your thoughts and feelings. And I always thought that was such a great piece of advice because it's so true. If you just start meditating, just the act of meditating forces you to detach from your thoughts and feelings and observe them, and then you start to observe their thoughts and feelings. And when you can learn to detach them a little bit, then you stop the effect of that abuse momentarily so that you can start to see it for what it is instead of get sucked into it. And I thought that was really good advice. Alyssa Scolari [11:37]: Yeah. I love that. And I almost think that can sometimes be the role of what the therapist does if you aren't able to get there in that moment, where you can be mindful and step outside yourself. That's where I think a therapist is so important. As you're talking, I'm thinking about myself and the clients that I've dealt with who have had narcissists in their lives and they haven't been able to do that at first. So it's the thing that us as therapists do because we are literally the outside person and we can say, "Hey, this is what this is looking like," and then we teach you to then be able to do that for yourself. And yeah, I think that is the first big step to healing. Rebecca Christianson [12:22]: I do too. I do too. I thought that was really ... And then mindfulness teaches you to be aware of the in the moment and be aware of how you're reacting, what you're thinking, what you're feeling and how you're reacting. And sometimes when I teach mindfulness, as in DBT, that one whole section of DBT, one of the cornerstones of DBT is mindfulness. And sometimes when I teach it, I talk about self-respect and personal integrity and being able to be mindful of what you're thinking, what you're feeling and what how you're reacting and how that's landing and what your intent is. And there's a certain amount of self-respect and personal integrity when you can stay mindful and be aware of those things because you're more likely to react in a way that is congruent with your intent. I thought that was really interesting. Also, the role of a therapist in helping somebody heal from narcissistic abuse, to help people, teach people, mindfulness because you get sucked into that abuse and you become reactive. That's why I say that can break you. You can become somebody that you don't even recognize and ... Alyssa Scolari [13:48]: Oh, absolutely. Rebecca Christianson [13:50]: Yep. And you can break off friendships, family relationships, whatever you have to do to keep that relationship because it becomes all important to you, so I feel like mindfulness is a really important skill too, in the treatment of healing from a narcissist. Alyssa Scolari [14:10]: Yes. No, it's so important. And I think about my own experiences and I remember ... You say you don't even recognize yourself. You don't even know how you end up light years away from who you used to be and you don't know how you got there or how you're even going to begin to get yourself back. I remember when I was dating a narcissist and for the listeners, if you've been a long time listener on this podcast, you all know about my experience with being in a very abusive relationship. I left my home, moved in with this dude. And before I knew it, literally before I knew it, I had cut off my entire family, didn't speak to any of them, and I was looking for apartments for us to live in. I was a college kid. I couldn't afford an apartment. I could barely afford a cup of coffee, but I was suddenly about to pay 50% of the rent for a really fancy apartment in a really ritzy area because he told me that this would make me happy. And I was like, "This doesn't make me happy. I'm going to be alone and broke. And you're going to be living with me and I don't even think I like you." Alyssa Scolari [15:34]: You lose yourself. And I think, in talking about the treatment that victims get, mindfulness, absolutely. And I think further along that journey is boundary setting. Whether or not you're still in that relationship, boundary setting. Would you agree with that? Rebecca Christianson [15:59]: Absolutely. Yes, absolutely. I think that's, like you said, farther down that journey. I feel like once you can start to detach from the thoughts and feelings that you're having and you can observe what's happening for you and you can observe what's happening for them and you can start to identify the abuse and you can start to become mindful and aware of what your needs and wants are and not just what the narcissist's needs are wants and your desire to fulfill that bottomless well, you can start to, again, focus on what some of your needs are wants are. I feel like then boundary setting is ... And some people were really good at boundary setting and then they got caught up in a narcissistic abuse cycle and they've lost that ability. It's just remembering boundaries are life sustaining. We need boundaries for everything and ... Alyssa Scolari [16:58]: Your whole life. Rebecca Christianson [17:00]: Your whole life. Boundaries do not make you a selfish person. Boundaries make you a healthy person. Alyssa Scolari [17:05]: Yes, and this is important. This is especially important if the narcissist in your life is a parent or is the person who raised you. This is especially important because oftentimes, we have parents or caregivers who are narcissists and it's not so easy to just cut them off because you can't just break up with them. You breaking up with a caregiver doesn't make them not your caregiver. You breaking up with a parent doesn't mean that they're no longer your parent. Now, you could go no contact, but for some people, it takes years to get there. And for some people, that's never an option, so I think especially when the narcissist in your life is a parent, I think boundaries are crucial. Crucial down the road, of course, after you learn how to solidify your voice and take back what was taken from you. Rebecca Christianson [18:11]: Yep. Exactly. No, I absolutely agree. Yes. Alyssa Scolari [18:15]: Now, we're talking about treatment for the victim of a narcissist, but what about treatment for a narcissist? Can narcissists get treatment? Will they get treatment? And if they do, what does that look like? Rebecca Christianson [18:36]: I have, over the years, seen a few narcissists that have gotten treatment, have been successful, I should say, in treatment. So they often do not seek treatment because this is an ingrained personality disorder. And like you said, we are not diagnosing somebody that we don't know in somebody else's life. To be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, you have to meet criteria for a period of time and you have to meet the criteria in the DSM-5, and that has to be over a period of time. It's not just like these personality traits are present in one relationship. They have to be there pervasively for a period of time. But I have seen over the years, a handful of narcissists that have successfully been treated. And in all of those cases, them seeking treatment was brought on by a traumatic event in their life or an illness or accident that was life-threatening. So oftentimes, that is when the consequences of some of these personality traits hit home. When they are facing a life change or an illness, something that could possibly, they would need a caretaker or they're going through treatment, sometimes that is when some of these personality traits, they become aware of some of these personality traits and how they have impacted other people because they've alienated so many people. Rebecca Christianson [20:22]: Or some tragedy, so I have seen one narcissist who went through the loss of a child and that really shook him to the core. I think it was some of his family and friends' reactions to that tragic loss that made him seek treatment and want to understand why he was that way and wanted to change. Rebecca Christianson [20:45]: And it was years ago, many years ago, but I do believe that he successfully changed. Treatment, for him, was some exposure therapy, learning to sit with the uncomfortable truth of his fragile ego and how he would do almost anything to cover that anxiety or for somebody else to soothe that anxiety. So exposure therapy and DBT, because I think that all people with narcissistic personality disorder really missed some of the cornerstones that DBT can teach you, like emotion regulation, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness. I think they're missing all of those. Mindfulness, I think they're missing all of those. They didn't learn them along the way because they learned very early on to get their needs met. They had to manipulate and that worked for them, so they never stopped manipulating. They never learned how to tolerate distress. They never learned how to regulate their own emotions. They just expect somebody else to feed that fragile ego and they keep manipulating to get that need met. They don't really worry about meeting their own needs. They never meet their own needs. Rebecca Christianson [22:09]: So some exposure, where they are sitting, not literally naked, but emotionally naked and being able to force them to regulate those emotions, and learn skills, then, to regulate those emotions ... And interpersonal effectiveness is really fascinating, the few times that I've been able to teach that to a narcissist, because they think they are very interpersonally effective because they always get their needs met. But what they don't realize is that they burn through, it's in an abusive way, so even though they think are getting their needs met, they're just chewing up and spitting out somebody else. They're not actually meeting that need and ... Alyssa Scolari [22:58]: Right. They're not fostering any genuine connections. Rebecca Christianson [23:01]: Nope. And so that's always fascinating. I think they can. I think typically, it's too painful for them and so I feel like that's why it has to take a life threatening illness or some tragedy for them to get this ... Not always, I mean, but ... Alyssa Scolari [23:23]: Yeah. For the listeners out there who might not know what DBT is, that term might be new. I'm trying to think of a good way to summarize what DBT is. I love DBT and I used to hate it, but your... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/22969706

Episode 92: Narcissistic Abuse, Pt 1 with Rebecca Christianson, LCSW 04/26/2022

Episode 92: Narcissistic Abuse, Pt 1 with Rebecca Christianson, LCSW What is narcissism and how do we know if someone is a narcissist? Alyssa teams up with returning podcast guest, Rebecca Christianson, LCSW as they tackle this very important topic. Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: Transcript Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hello, beautiful people. Welcome back to another episode of The Light After Trauma podcast. I'm your host, Alyssa Scolari. This is a two part, well, really a two part series. This is going to be two episodes today, and it is a guest episode. It has been a while since we've had a guest episode. I know that we he had talked about me sort of reeling back on guest episodes and being much more particular with who's coming on the show, just because I know that you all are really interested and have really, really liked the solo episodes that I've done. Alyssa Scolari [00:57]: But you all also love today's guest, who is a friend of the family, friend of the podcast, it's Rebecca Christianson. Duh, would it be anyone else? We love Rebecca. She has been on this podcast to talk about grief. She's been on the podcast to talk about guilt and shame, and she's incredible. Alyssa Scolari [01:19]: Today she's on the podcast to talk about narcissism. And I know this one's going to be a really big hit for you all because narcissism is honestly a very hot term right now. It is a really hot topic. It is all over TikTok, all over social media. But before we dive right into narcissism, I just want to take a minute to let you know who Rebecca is. Alyssa Scolari [01:41]: If you are a new listener, Rebecca really started out as a mentor for me and became, honestly, one of my closest friends. She's absolutely a soulmate of mine. We were absolutely meant to know each other in this life and every other life after that. And she really is the reason why I am the therapist that I am today. Alyssa Scolari [02:05]: So Rebecca is the founder of a group practice called Rebellious Wellness Counseling in the state of New Jersey in the United States. And I will, of course, link her group practice. She works with a bunch of wonderful people. She does amazing work. She is, especially you do a lot of grief, right? Like that's like you special when I think of you, I think like you do grief, but you also do couples, right? Rebecca Christianson [02:33]: Yes. Alyssa Scolari [02:34]: Yeah. Rebecca Christianson [02:34]: Yes. Alyssa Scolari [02:35]: Rebecca does two of the hardest things that I think any therapist can do. So I will absolutely link her group practice in the show notes for today. So let's just hand it over to Rebecca. Welcome. Rebecca Christianson [02:51]: Thank you. Thanks for having me. You always say the nicest things. You are the therapist that you are because you are extremely talented and work really hard, but thank you for giving me credit for that. Alyssa Scolari [03:04]: All shucks. Thank you. Rebecca Christianson [03:05]: Yeah. So I am always honored to be on the podcast. I love, obviously, I love talking to you. I love tackling some of these topics that I think are complex topics that everybody has to handle, but don't always understand exactly how to handle it or how it affects their lives. So I'm happy to be on it. Alyssa Scolari [03:27]: Yeah, exactly, exactly. And we make a really good team, which is why I feel like tackling narcissism today is like, you and I are really, really well suited to do this together because it's a really heavy topic, right? Rebecca Christianson [03:42]: Yep. Mm-hmm [affirmative]. Alyssa Scolari [03:43]: And it's something that I think gets talked about a lot, but also often very misused and overused. And so I think here's an interesting fact for y'all, right? So the word narcissism in itself is at actually derived from the Greek mythological figure, Narcissus. And basically the story of Narcissus is that he fell in love with his own reflection. And what narcissism is at its core is really just self-absorption but pathological self absorption. Alyssa Scolari [04:21]: So that's where the name comes from. And I think when it comes to narcissism, there's one way that therapists diagnose it. But then there's an entirely different way that I think you guys can understand it and recognize it in others. And that's kind of a little bit more important. Alyssa Scolari [04:48]: So the way that therapists diagnose it is, obviously, you all have heard of the DSM. I've talked about it on this podcast before. It's like the holy grail for mental health diagnoses. It's what therapists turn to in order to diagnose somebody. And there is a personality disorder in there called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And this is how therapists would really diagnose somebody. And really what it is it's this pattern of grandiosity. Alyssa Scolari [05:23]: They just, people, who think that they just have this huge amount of self importance. They often exaggerate their achievements and their talents. They are preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, or ideal love. They believe that they are super special and unique and that they are very high status and everyone else is below them. They require excessive admiration. They constantly need other people to be doting on them and thinking that they are just the bees knees. Alyssa Scolari [06:01]: They have an extreme sense of self entitlement, very unreasonable expectations, and they always think that they should be favored above everyone else. They exploit people, especially those who are closest to them. In other words, they try to take advantage of the people around them to meet their own needs. And they lack empathy. They cannot identify with feelings or needs of others and they often can seem very arrogant, right? Alyssa Scolari [06:33]: So that's a very brief run through of what those symptoms look like in the book that therapists use to diagnose. But it's a little bit different when we're just in our day to day life. So Rebecca, can you actually talk about, I don't know. I feel like what I just said was a very hoity-toity way of describing narcissism. Can you break this down? What does that actually look like day to day? Rebecca Christianson [07:02]: Yes, absolutely. I think that one of the things that's important to remember about narcissist is that underneath it all, it's a very, very fragile ego and that extremely, extremely fragile ego, came from somewhere, right? Oftentimes it comes from childhood trauma. Oftentimes it comes from neglect or abuse where a child doesn't get their needs met. So they have to manipulate to get their own needs met and they build this wall or protection around that very fragile ego. And no one can see the fragile ego at any cost. So they will always externally get their needs met instead of getting their needs met from within. Rebecca Christianson [07:55]: That would be... The only thing that was really healing for them is to go in and process through the things that made that ego so fragile. But they, at a very young age, protect that fragile ego at all costs. At all costs. At the cost to anyone else their needs will always come first and that the hallmark of a narcissist. Rebecca Christianson [08:14]: So I'm going to quote Shahida Arabi who wrote, Becoming the Narcissist Nightmare, because this is my favorite quote about narcissist. It says, "The first thing you must know about a narcissist is that you will never truly know anything about the narcissist." Alyssa Scolari [08:30]: Ugh. Yes, yes. That's it, case closed. End of episode. Rebecca Christianson [08:37]: Closed, there you go. You'll never really know. And I really believe that because they don't know. They've created such a false self that they don't even remember why they became a narcissist. One of the questions I get all the time is like, "Can a narcissist heal? Can they get better?" And the answer to that's, yes. Rarely do they do the work that's required to get better, but they can. But that would be going back to the childhood trauma, whatever happened that made them realize that they felt they needed to manipulate their environment to get their needs met, that they were not lovable enough to get their needs met just by being who they were. Rebecca Christianson [09:29]: And that's so painful. Usually by the time they show up in our office, that's so painful that they rarely do that. But the times that I've seen narcissists actually do that work is either they have a terminal illness, and because they have never truly been able to connect authentically with anyone, they don't have very many people who are going to take care of them. Or they've had such a traumatic loss in their life that it's shocked them to their core. And they don't want to continue to live that way. Rebecca Christianson [10:03]: So, those are the times. But I think how it would show up, you said a lot of the things, I think that when you notice somebody has the inability to empathize with you or with other people at all, like if you have a friend that's a narcissist and you tell them they have the inability to empathize, but they understand people, so they can fake empathy. They can... Alyssa Scolari [10:30]: Yes. They're typically very, very charming. Rebecca Christianson [10:34]: Mm-hmm [affirmative]. Alyssa Scolari [10:34]: But when it comes to empathy, it could look like you confide in a friend about something and or you tell a friend something, right? And if that friend goes, "Oh, well they deserved it. They deserved it. They had that coming." Right? Or it could be, this person responds in a way that's like completely ignores what you're talking about and shifts the focus onto them. "Oh, well, when I was that age, it was even harder for me. Babababa." Rebecca Christianson [11:07]: Mm-hmm [affirmative]. Alyssa Scolari [11:07]: Yeah. Rebecca Christianson [11:07]: Yep. Or they will fake empathy if they think that's going to get them something. So they'll be like, "Oh, that was a hard day at work." And like this, whatever it is, because they think that they're going to get something out of that. So sometimes they'll fake empathy to get their own need met at the end of the day. And then if that doesn't happen, they get angry. So the inability to authentically apologize, see hallmark up. You notice that somebody cannot take accountability. They will skirt accountability for something that they have done that has hurt the other person or isn't right or whatever. They cannot authentically apologize. Rebecca Christianson [11:47]: You said this before, but it will always be somebody else's fault. There will always be a reason why they cannot take accountability and authentically apologize. Also hallmark of when you notice that with someone that you're around or involved with, that's definitely a hallmark sign. And then if you confront them, they become extremely angry. Rebecca Christianson [12:11]: In fact, there's a term called Narcissistic Rage. And that's if they perceive their ego as being challenged, some people have narcissistic rage. And then you did a podcast earlier that I listened to about gaslighting. This is where gaslighting comes in. They're unable to take accountability. So they will gaslight at all costs. And it becomes, because they're usually extremely bright and charming, it can become almost impossible to pick up on the gaslighting. Rebecca Christianson [12:47]: Some people are so good at that, that your head is spinning and you don't even understand what just happened. It's not until you tell somebody outside of that interaction or relationship that they might be able to see, "I think they were gaslighting you." Because it's real, some people become really good, they become professionals at not taking accountability. Rebecca Christianson [13:14]: And the thing about, again, they're very intuitive, very perceptive, very charming, and very bright. So they will learn things about you, your Achilles heel, your soft spots, and that's where they're going to hit. So when they gaslight you, it's not going to be always about the actual thing they're not taking accountability for. They're going to gaslight you and hit where they know it hurts so that you will be blindsided, taken off guard, all these other things. So ultimately they don't have to take accountability. Rebecca Christianson [13:47]: I think those, and then you mentioned self-absorbed, always bringing the conversation back to themselves. I feel like if you're in a relationship or a friendship or a work relationship with somebody who has more than one of those characteristics, they are probably a narcissist. Alyssa Scolari [14:05]: Red flags, red flags, red flags, red flags. Yeah. And I think gaslighting is the narcissists best friend. Best friend, that is their biggest tool. And as you're kind of saying all this, I feel like now's a really good time to read the Narcissist's Prayer. So this perfectly, for the listeners out there, reflects everything that Rebecca is saying and then some. It's like, The narcissist's prayer is, and by the way I did not write this. And I actually don't know who wrote this. I tried to look it up and there's a couple different versions of it, but I don't know. It says the author is unknown when it comes to this specific version of it. Alyssa Scolari [14:50]: But the Narcissist's Prayer is, "That didn't happen. And if it did, it is not a big deal. And if it was a big deal, then it was not my fault. And if it was my fault, well, then I didn't mean it. And if I did mean it, then you deserved it. Now this conversation is over. I am done talking about it." Rebecca Christianson [15:12]: I think that says it perfectly. And so many people, here's the thing about narcissists, right? So many people, as you were saying, all of the kind of DSM-IV criteria, I think two things. I think one on a bad day, we all feel selfish, right? It's normal to have moments of time where we feel selfish, that's normal. But we feel remorse and regret when that selfishness might have been at the expense of someone else. But there's remorse, there's guilt or shame. Rebecca Christianson [15:48]: Narcissists do not feel guilt or shame for that. They are self-absorbed to a pathological point, and you said that in the beginning and I wanted to reiterate that, they're not just having a selfish day. They're not just self-absorbed about the promotion they want at work. It's a way of living for them. It's to a pathological point. Rebecca Christianson [16:11]: And I think we all have narcissist in our lives and it's hard. It's hard because when you get close to, and I know Part Two is going to be more about the relationship with the narcissist, but when you get close to putting up a boundary with a narcissist, they love bomb. And when they love bomb, it feels as if they've heard you and they understand the error of their ways. Rebecca Christianson [16:36]: They don't say that because they can't take accountability. It just feels that way. And then you're hooked again. Then you're hooked again. And these characteristics will show up again. So if you think you're in a relationship or have a friend or a work relationship where you're in, or you think they're a narcissist, and you start to point that out or you start to set different boundaries because that doesn't feel good, and they make you feel like they understand the error of their ways they want to change. But these show back up again, run, run because they're a narcissist. Alyssa Scolari [17:13]: Run far. Rebecca Christianson [17:14]: And they just love bombed you. And now you're going to be right back in the same cycle. And gaslighting is, I think, the number one way that narcissists manipulate, but they also use silent treatment. Alyssa Scolari [17:25]: Yes. Rebecca Christianson [17:26]: Silence actually sets off the same pain receptors as physical pain. Alyssa Scolari [17:33]: Oh, I did not know that. It makes sense. Rebecca Christianson [17:36]: It does. Giving someone the silent treatment sets off the same pain receptors as actual physical pain in our brain. It's so painful to be ignored, rejected, abandoned to feel those feelings to suddenly have silence. So it's also a huge manipulation tactic for narcissists. Rebecca Christianson [17:54]: Stonewalling, the end of the prayer that you read, "And I am done with this relationship," refusing to talk about things is also a huge manipulation tactic. And then comparison. So they need the attention from everyone, right? So they will often compare what you're giving to what other people, past girl friends, other people that they are in their lives can give them, can feed them. So another huge manipulation tactic is to compare what you're offering to other people, whether that's imagined or real, to get you to up your ante, to get you to do more. Alyssa Scolari [18:38]: Yeah. And I also think that another too, well, you mentioned the love bombing, right? And for folks out there who may not have heard of this phrase before or may have heard of it, and don't quite know what it is love bombing is, again, the narcissist isn't taking accountability for his or her or their actions, but they are showering you with gifts, showering you with affection, spending money, maybe money that they don't even have, on you. Alyssa Scolari [19:06]: Suddenly you have that Prada bag that you have always wanted. Suddenly they are paying for you to go on a trip. Suddenly, you've been asking for three years to go and visit, I don't know, the state of Vermont in the fall because it's beautiful and guess what? All of a sudden you're going there. And they might be showering with you with words of affection as well, "I love you. You're so important to me." They tell you everything, like Rebecca said, that you want to hear, that makes you think that they have taken accountability and seen the error of their ways. But without them actually having to say that, right? So that's love bombing. Alyssa Scolari [19:41]: But then the other thing that I always see with narcissists is their attempt at isolation, right? So yes, also the comparison, but they will also do this thing where they will make you feel like you're alone in the world. And they might say very subtle things like, "Oh, did you see the weird way your friend was looking at you there?" Rebecca Christianson [20:06]: Yeah. Alyssa Scolari [20:06]: Right? "Did you see the way she rolled her eyes when you guys were talking? Do you really think she's a good friend?" When I was in a relationship with a narcissist, he would tell me time and time again, that my family hated me, that they hated me. And after a while, and he wouldn't sit me down and say, "Alyssa, your family hates you." But it was very subtle. It would be, "Huh? Are you sure you're okay with the way your mom said this?" And, "Are you sure you don't feel some kind of way about the way your dad said that." And, "Oh, well, I heard that your friend, so and so, said this about you." These very seemingly small things that suddenly, before you know it, have you feeling like you can't trust anyone else, but the narcissist. Rebecca Christianson [20:53]: Mm-hmm [affirmative]. Alyssa Scolari [20:54]: Do you agree with that? Did I explain that correctly? Rebecca Christianson [20:55]: I totally agree. Yes, I absolutely agree. They will... Until they're the only one that you trust, but they never, ever go, it's never going to actually be about you, it's always going to be about them. And the reason they do that is so that they don't have competition so that when you don't have anyone to say,... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/22893884

Episode 91: How to Improve Your Body Image 04/19/2022

Episode 91: How to Improve Your Body Image Diet culture and weight loss tools thrive off of making us hate our bodies. The good news is that you CAN reject the societal pressure to change your body and choose to love your body instead. In this week’s episode, Alyssa breaks down the necessary steps toward loving the body you have. Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: Transcript: Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hi Everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I am your host Alyssa Scolari, happy to be here for another solo episode. It is a beautiful day that I am recording. The weather is heating up and with the warm weather, I have noticed not just in my private practice but also really just on social media, in general, and the people around me, the conversation is shifting to how can I get in the best shape possible for the warmer weather for summer, for shorts and skirts and short sleeve shirts and things like that. And so I will likely be putting out an episode like this every year when the weather warms up because we need it. Alyssa Scolari [01:16]: We are talking today about how to improve your body image, which is a really hard thing to do. We know that our society pushes thinness, thinness, thinness and diets and eating healthy and losing as much weight as you can. And well, honestly, of course they do. Because it might shock you to realize this but the diet industry alone in the year 2021, grossed $254.9 billion. And even worse than that, by the year 2026, it is projected to gross $377.3 billion. So, of course, they're pushing diets because they are making big bucks off of it. Now, a lot of people will say that this isn't true. Alyssa Scolari [02:21]: Diet is in the name of health and higher weight can be correlated with the onset of so many different diseases. And to that, I will say, there is a large body of research out there showing that this simply is not true. And that many of these studies that found that information, the way these studies were conducted were basically set up in a way to achieve that similar result, right? To achieve that result that they were expecting. That yep, that's what we know. Having fat on your body means that you're going to have disease and then eventually you're going to die an early death. Alyssa Scolari [03:02]: That is actually not true and we have a very outdated way of looking at things. I mean, for the love of God, our doctors in the United States ... I don't know about other countries but the doctors in the United States are still using the BMI, which is the body mass index, which basically takes your weight and your height and does a calculation and spits out whether you are obese or not and the level of your obesity and how at risk you are. We know now that the BMI is flawed in so many ways. Number one, because it doesn't tell you anything about body composition. Alyssa Scolari [03:44]: It is just assuming, based on your height and weight, that you are all fat. If the number on the scale is higher, then that must be fat. Therefore, you are unhealthy and therefore you need to do something. So the BMI has been telling people for years, that people who are healthy need to lose weight and it is something that doctors have not seen a problem with. Well, I should say most doctors haven't seen a problem with. And it is something that our diet industry hasn't seen a problem with because dieting is a huge money maker. Now it might be a money maker but it also was a soul breaker, it literally rips our souls apart. Alyssa Scolari [04:29]: Especially for those of us who live in larger bodies like myself. I am a self-identified fat person and I can tell you through years of battling an eating disorder, I have been up 120 pounds, down 120 pounds. And at my thinnest, I felt my worst physically. At my heaviest, I felt my best physically. I feel my best physically right now in my body as a fat person. Yes, I do. I have had blood work. I have been to doctor after doctor, all who have said that my blood work looks healthy. My blood pressure, healthy. Cholesterol, healthy. Everything is good but I am a fat person. Alyssa Scolari [05:15]: And this startles people because they're like, "Well, how can you be fat and healthy?" Because we have been taught that the two are opposites, that they cannot exist at the same time. That if you're fat, you must be unhealthy. You must have a problem with eating. This is not necessarily the case. There is so much research that shows that this is not at all true. Now this isn't necessarily the topic of today's episode, right? We are not going to talk about fat phobia today, touching on it a little bit. What we are going to talk about today is how to love yourself in spite of the bullshit that society is pushing on you, about you are only worthy if you are thin and starving. Alyssa Scolari [06:03]: How can you love yourself if you are trying to break up with diet culture and you are trying to figure out how to love the body that you are in? This episode is for you because it is one of hardest things when we are living in a society that is seething with fat phobia. It is ubiquitous everywhere you turn, even just social media, right? Even if you're following E! News on Instagram, which is basically the news outlet for all of the celebrities. I mean, they are so quick to post when somebody gains five pounds, loses five pounds, as if it's the only thing that matters. Alyssa Scolari [06:48]: So learning to love yourself in the society is hard. And if you are somebody who lives in a larger body or who has been struggling with diets your whole life, then you likely also have a history of food related trauma. And that can also make it really hard to love your body. If you are an abuse survivor, sexual abuse, physical abuse, that can also make it really hard for you to love your body. And the warmer months are upon us depending on where you live in the world and people are wanting to wear things with less material that covers less of their bodies and that is causing so much anxiety. It is causing people to buy into more and more diets. Alyssa Scolari [07:37]: And what I want to say is this, if you are going to spend your money this summer, don't spend it on a diet, spend it on learning how to love yourself because that is going to be the most important thing. So how do we do this? How do we love ourselves? How do we love the bodies that we're in? This can be really, really difficult, as I said. It's been a journey for me and it's something that I work on every single day. And this year, in particular, I am really committed to respecting my body and loving my body, regardless of what the number on the scale says. I haven't stepped on the scale in months. I have no clue what it says and I don't plan to step on the scale. Alyssa Scolari [08:21]: My goal is to respect and love my body, regardless, even though I have no control over what it's doing. I am just listening to it. I am feeding it when it tells me to, I am moving when it tells me I need to move and I am learning how to be okay with that. And we are going to talk about how you can be okay with that, as well. Now this is a process. You cannot wake up tomorrow and expect that you are going to be like, "Oh wow, I love my body. This is great." No, it doesn't work like that, unfortunately, right? Because we cannot erase years of self hatred and body loathing in a day. And for some people it might feel too overwhelming. The thought of having to love your body might feel too overwhelming. Alyssa Scolari [09:08]: So we are going to take this in bite size pieces and help you learn how to respect and love the body that you are in. And first we start with simply noticing. Because I would bet that for so many of us and myself included, we don't even recognize how much negative self-talk exists in our brains. Like we look in the mirror and we're like, "Ugh. Oh, I hate this about myself. Oh my gosh, look at my neck. Oh, look at my arms. Look at that. Oh my gosh. When did that get there?" Or, "Oh, look at my stomach. Oh, I can't wear these jeans," right? This is some of the dialogue that goes on in our head all day long. Alyssa Scolari [09:50]: "Oh, I really shouldn't be eating this. I really should not be eating this brownie right now. This is so bad. I am going to step on this scale, I'm going to find out that I gained weight tomorrow." It is constant. It's really hard to have any kind of respect for your body when you are constantly talking like crap to your body, right? And that's what we're going for first and foremost, we are going for a basic level of respect. Because like I said, we can't expect that you're going to love yourself right away. But we do have to have you respect yourself first and foremost, but we can't fix a problem if we don't know the problem is there. Alyssa Scolari [10:27]: So first we have to recognize when we are treating ourselves like crap. And so it can just be a goal for you to pay more attention to the dialogue in your head. And if you need a place to start, start with the morning. Start with when you're getting dressed in the morning. I want you to be very, very particular about noticing the thoughts that are popping up in your head about when you're getting dressed. What are you telling yourself about how you look? Are you thinking to myself? "Oh well, I'll look so much better in these pants when I'm five pounds thinner?" Alyssa Scolari [11:04]: Are you thinking to yourself, "Oh, I can't wear this." What are you saying to yourself? I know for me, that is something I have struggled with so much. The mornings are hard for me or they used to be really hard when I would go to get dressed, right? "Oh, I can't wear this. I don't look good in this." Fortunately for me, that noise has died down a lot. So I do not struggle with that as much, but that is because I have been working hard on trying to notice when these thoughts are coming up and that is what you have to do. And when you are noticing them, you don't need to judge them, just notice them at first, that's it. Alyssa Scolari [11:46]: And if that's all you can do right now, that is okay. I do not want you to try to essentially run before you can crawl, so to speak. You know? So it's going to be really, really hard for you to notice these thoughts and then immediately go into, "Oh no, but I love myself." Because for a lot of people that feels not very sincere and some people, like the fake it till you make at mentality and if that works for you, great. But I find that with body positivity and with improving your body image, that doesn't work so well. So all I need you to do is notice without judgment, that is first and foremost. Alyssa Scolari [12:26]: Because, again, we can't change a problem that we don't know is there. So it's very important for you to notice all the ways in which you are disrespecting yourself, disrespecting the body that you live in. So next, once you have spent a couple of weeks or months just noticing how you talk to yourself, you're going to try to respect your body a little bit. Just a little bit, a little bit of respect. Notice the things about your body that you haven't said to yourself. For example, it can be as simple as, I am really appreciative that my body allowed me to move through my day today and spend time with my friends, partner, children, coworkers, colleagues, et cetera. It can be as simple as that. Alyssa Scolari [13:24]: Wow, I am really grateful for the way my body feels when I am taking a walk outside in the warm sunny weather. It could be as simple as that. It could also be as simple as, I notice the way that my body has full mobility, if you are somebody with full mobility, right? The way that my feet can hit the ground in the morning and I can get up and I can walk into the bathroom and I can use both of my arms to brush my teeth, right? Things like that, keep it very simple. It is a level of respect. Have you ever had a teacher in school that you didn't really like because they were kind of a hard ass, but you also respected them. So you knew better than to say anything bad about them or mouth off to them. Alyssa Scolari [14:18]: That's kind of the way you want to treat your body in these early stages, right? You don't have to like your body. You don't have to look in the mirror and go, "Aw, I love my arms and my ... No, no, no, no. Because for some people that's too much, that's not where you're at right now. But there is a level of respect that you can try to give your body. For me, I think that dialogue looks more like, I am really appreciative body that you helped me to survive so much trauma for all of these years. And I think if you are a trauma survivor, this is definitely going to ring true for you. Alyssa Scolari [14:58]: My dialogue also looks like, I am really grateful that I was able to go in my backyard and let the sun warm my skin and to be able to experience that sensation. I'm really grateful that I have the mobility to be able to bend down and plant things in my yard because my yard is going to be looking slamming in a couple weeks. I am really grateful that my body allowed me to enjoy that meal that I just had. We had Chick-fil-A yesterday. It was the first time I've been to Chick-fil-A in six months and we rarely go but we were on the way home from a doctor's appointment and we stopped and we got some chicken and we were waiting in line and there were people around me that were all much thinner than me. Very, very thin. Alyssa Scolari [16:05]: And I was really in the comparison game. I shouldn't be eating this. I should not be eating this, right? I'm shoulding myself, like hello, big red flag, Alyssa. So I was not able to love myself in that moment because I was filled with a lot of just body dysmorphia and some body loathing. But I was able to respect myself and I was able to say, "I am really grateful that I was able to even get up and walk in here and I'm really grateful that my body has been able to communicate to me that I'm hungry and that I need food. And I'm also really grateful that I am able to go out and I am able to buy a meal on a whim." Alyssa Scolari [16:48]: All of these things of gratitude that I was trying to say in my head, mostly centered around, I am thankful that my body led me to this spot and that my body is going to do exactly what I need it to do. All I need to do is listen to it. And in listening to it, I could understand that in that moment, that food was what I needed. That is what my body was telling me. That is what I wanted. That is what I needed. And therefore I got that and I was able to enjoy my meal so much more afterwards. So it is a basic level of respect. Once you are able to start respecting your body in little ways here and there, then it might be to time for you to move into a stage of reflection. Alyssa Scolari [17:39]: And what I mean by that is going back and visiting some of the disrespectful things you have said about your body. Going back and visiting some of the ways that you feel about the body that you live in and reflect on them. Why do I feel this way? Do I feel this way because this is reminding me of an incident when I was younger, where somebody told me that I was fat or somebody told me I needed to lose weight? Is this related to some kind of trauma in my life? Is this related to systemic marginalization against fat people, wherein, I have always felt that I have been stigmatized because of my body and therefore have internalized that? Where might this be from? Alyssa Scolari [18:34]: Because sometimes it's helpful to know that and maybe it's not, right? Maybe this is something where you skip that stage. But for me, it was really helpful to figure out, why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like I can't wear this outfit? Is it because I tried to wear an outfit very similar to this back in the day and somebody told me I should never go out looking like this? Is it just because society and the way that they treat fat people as a whole? And when I'm able to identify the source of the disrespect, it's actually easier for me to dismiss because I can tell and it becomes very apparent to me that my self-hatred actually has nothing to do with me. I don't actually hate me. Alyssa Scolari [19:21]: I learned that I have to hate myself because of the way I was treated when I was younger or the way that society treats my body, it's actually not me. And when I realized that the problem really isn't me, I am able to move through those thoughts much easier and get back to a place of self love and self respect. So I think that reflection is really important for me. It might not necessarily be for you but it is something to experiment with, reflect. Where did these thoughts come from? Where do I see this at? Am I looking at social media and seeing people constantly talking about how they are working out for weight loss or dieting or wanting to get in shape for the summer? Is that where I'm getting it from? Just some things to ask yourself. Alyssa Scolari [20:09]: And then with that reflection comes disputing, right? So again, if you are noticing, "Oh, this actually comes from a time when I was younger." And I know for me, a lot of my fears about eating in front of people comes from when I was younger and people would point out my food assumption when I was a little girl but then also directly related to my body. Like people would smack my hand when I would go to get second helpings at the dinner table at a family party. Or if I would go and get a piece of cake at a baby shower or bridal shower or whatever, somebody would say something, like yell across the room about my weight and my body. Alyssa Scolari [20:56]: So when I recognize things like that, I can dispute that and I can say, "Okay, that was a comment that was not about me. That was based on that person's own insecurities, their own internalized fat phobia and it actually has nothing to do with me or my body." If I am exercising and I'm feeling really triggered by my exercise and I'm like, "Oh, I wonder if I lost weight from this workout or whatever," I might be like, "Huh, where does that come from?" And then I can identify where it comes from. And then I'm like, "Okay, but in reality, I know that exercise is not a weight loss tool." Alyssa Scolari [21:39]: And I know that when I was being told that it was, these people did not know they were so rooted in their own fat phobia and diet culture that they did not know. And therefore, I can try to let these beliefs go for myself. So I am able to use science and facts about weight to be able to dispute my beliefs. And then the final step is choosing to love yourself. It is a choice and it is a choice that you must practice time and time again. And here is where I can say sometimes a little bit of that, fake it till you make it can work, because there are times where I have a really hard time loving my body. Alyssa Scolari [22:32]: But I say, you know what? I'm going to choose to love you today. I'm going to choose to. I don't necessarily feel love right now, but love is what I'm choosing. And then I have to go into starting from a baseline of respect. And then from there I can build up love. What does that look like? What does love look like? It looks like an appreciation. It looks like being able to touch all of the parts of your body, even the parts that you really struggle with the most and say, "Hi." I mean, really, as silly as that sounds, say hi to the parts of you that you have been avoiding for so long. Alyssa Scolari... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/22818323

Episode 90: Self Sabotage 04/12/2022

Episode 90: Self Sabotage Self sabotage often shows up at many points throughout our trauma recovery. It can take both conscious and unconscious forms. Tune in to find out if you may be sabotaging your own healing process. Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: Transcript: Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: What's up everybody. It's Alyssa Scolari. I am your host of the Light After Trauma Podcast. Welcome back to another episode, talking about self-sabotage today. I'm very passionate about this one. Very passionate. I'm going to get real raw today and it's going to be really uncomfortable. Alyssa Scolari [00:45]: Trigger warning just upfront. We're going to be talking about some sexual abuse related stuff. Not the whole episode. So you can feel free to skip when I'm talking about it and yeah, that's what we got today. We're talking about self-sabotage. Alyssa Scolari [01:02]: Just some housekeeping things. Thank you, of course, as always for all of the love and the support. In case you missed it on the last episode, we raised $110 for Doctors Without Borders to help in Ukraine, which is so exciting. You can actually see the receipt for the donation on the Instagram. My Instagram is Light After Trauma. So feel free to go check it out. You can see the receipt, but if you signed up to become a Patreon member for the month of March, whatever you donated for that month, I matched with my own money. And then we sent that to Doctors Without Borders. So that was really fun. That was really awesome. And I can't wait to continue to do this for like other causes and charities and ah, it's good stuff. Good, good stuff. I'm super proud of us in our little community. So thank you. Thank you. Alyssa Scolari [01:58]: If you still want to become a Paton member, you can head on over to the show notes and that would extremely helpful. Anything you are able to give towards the podcast really helps keep this podcast up and running. So I appreciate it. Thank you for your also reviews and ratings. It helps the podcast to grow. It helps get the word out. So anytime you leave a review, it is extremely, extremely helpful and helps the podcast to move up in the ranks. And then when it moves up in the ranks, it becomes more available to people. So thank you. Thank you very much. And I think that's it. Alyssa Scolari [02:40]: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, that's not it. I did want to say you are all the best, you really are. Because last week's episode, when I was talking about my horror story with the EMDR therapist, some of you emailed me and gave me referrals to therapists in your area or therapists that you know of that you thought would be great. And I just love it. I'm so thankful for the support. I can't even begin to tell you how much it means to me. And it's also really nice to hear from you because I feel like I have a bunch of friends out there, but I don't necessarily have confirmation of that unless I hear from you in some way, shape or form. I don't know who you are unless you reach out to me. So I just love it when I hear from people. It's so much fun. I just feel like I have a bunch of friends. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Alyssa Scolari [03:43]: As an update on the EMDR front, the therapist that I had, and if you listened last week, you kind of know what happened. That the therapist I had ghosted me completely and it was horrible. After one session, I went back to our second session and he did not show up. And there's a little bit more to it, but you can feel free to listen to last week's episode if you want the details. So I reached out to him and it took me a few days to do it because I struggle with boundaries and I feel guilty when I set boundaries and I wanted to him the benefit of the doubt, of course, always. And I felt super guilty. So it took me a little bit of time to be able to say, "Hey, I actually don't want to move forward with you." Alyssa Scolari [04:32]: I was really determined to tell him, instead of just ghosting him, not because he deserves an explanation because quite frankly, I think the angry part of me wanted to do to him what he did to me, which is just not show up for my next session, but my card would've been charged for a late fee. And quite frankly, I don't feel like paying for it... He doesn't deserve my money, honestly, but also I wanted to practice boundary setting. This was a good opportunity for me to practice dealing with all of the feelings that come up when I set boundaries. So he basically just responded... Alyssa Scolari [05:16]: Well, I texted him and I was like, "Hey, after having some time to process, there have been several scheduling errors. And then after you not showing up last week, that was really like the last straw for me and I really need a therapist who can give me consistency. So I don't think that you and I are going to be a good match moving forward." And he just responded and was like, "I understand and I sincerely apologize," or some crap like that. I mean, I'm glad that he was able to accept it and not retaliate or say something kind of snarky, but at the same time, it's still just like, it's your fault, dude, because honestly he could have repaired that relationship. He could have. If he had picked up the phone and called me to make sure that I was okay, but I just... It's kind of hard to explain. Alyssa Scolari [06:10]: I feel like unless you're super familiar with EMDR, you can't understand that missing any kind of therapy session, for a therapist to not show up can be super damaging for anybody. It's a little bit perhaps less damaging if you're not doing EMDR. And that's not to say that I would like invalidate anybody's feelings because whether I have EMDR or not, if my therapist didn't show up, or if I didn't show up for one of my clients, I would absolutely expect abandonment stuff to come up. And I would have to take accountability as the therapist, or I would expect my therapist to take accountability. Now, God forbid, if there was like a real emergency. I mean, of course, I would understand it. I would hope my clients would understand it and I would hope we would be able to repair. Alyssa Scolari [07:01]: With EMDR though, EMDR can leave you so raw. And he warned me in the session. He was like, "You're going to be really raw. You're going to be really emotional. It's going to be really difficult. There's going to be a lot of intense stuff that comes up." So he knew that. He told me, and then he just didn't even bother to call me. And he had the ability to call me because he was talking to me or he texted me. And so I know he had the ability to at least touch base with me. And he really offered no real explanation for why didn't show up. Of course, I know the reason. I know he fucking forgot because he didn't read the text message that I sent him when he asked me to remind him when our appointment was, which is problematic in itself. But I digress. Alyssa Scolari [07:53]: So there're just so many other things that he could have done to repair that relationship. And if I were in his shoes, I would have that client on the phone in a heartbeat, not charging them a single cent and seeing how they're feeling, if I triggered their abandonment. How we can repair this relationship. And no, maybe I'm not going to stay on the phone with them for an hour. I wasn't asking for a free session, but he should have touch base with me. He had no idea if I was safe, unsafe, he had only met me one time. So the whole thing is just really infuriating that he can be like, "Oh, EMDR is going to be one of the hardest things you've ever done." And then just like not show up and really not give a flying fuck about how I am. So he's gone. I did it. I set a boundary and I feel really good about it. In hindsight, of course, it was not easy doing it, but I feel good about it now. I think I might have found somebody else. So we'll see. I have my first session scheduled and we will see how it goes. Enough about that. We can transition into self-sabotage. Alyssa Scolari [09:09]: I did a fun little thing this week, where I had a poll on my Instagram. And I asked you all to tell me what you wanted to hear, because I was going back and forth between talking about self-sabotage and talking about borderline personality disorder. And obviously I definitely want to talk about both on this podcast, but many of you requested the self-sabotage. So that is what we are doing today. Alyssa Scolari [09:35]: Self-sabotage is basically behaviors that you engage in that hinder your progress. It's pretty self-explanatory. And I think that a lot of self-sabotage can be an unconscious thing, something that lives in your subconscious, we are not aware that we are doing it. And I have picked up on a lot of my own self-sabotaging tactics over the last like several years, I'd say, and I'm a little bit more aware. Alyssa Scolari [10:11]: I think for me, the issue is I become aware of self-sabotage right after I do it. So obviously the goal is to be able to identify what you're doing before you do it. I tend not to do that. Sometimes I do, but hey, I'm a work in progress. We all are. And I think that there are stages of progression when it comes to dealing with self-sabotage, you might recognize it four months after the fact. And then you might recognize it two weeks after the fact. And then you might recognize it immediately after the fact. And then you're going to get to the point where you're going to see yourself, you're going to catch yourself in it, and you're going to be like, "Nope, not doing this because I'm self-sabotaging." So it's a progression. Alyssa Scolari [11:03]: Now, there are all kinds of self-sabotages. There's holding yourself back from going after that degree you really want. There's refusing to go out with friends anywhere because you don't want to deal with the anxiety that can come up with social interaction. Things like that can be, not always, but they can be self-sabotage. Alyssa Scolari [11:26]: We're not going to be talking about all the types of self-sabotage today. What we are going to be focusing on is a kind of self-sabotage that again, I don't think many people are consciously aware of, but really can hold you back in your recovery. And that is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Self-fulfilling prophecy is absolutely self-sabotage. Let me explain how. Alyssa Scolari [11:53]: Sometimes our thoughts are so powerful that we can think them into existence. We can think them into reality. Have you ever had to go somewhere that you really don't want to go to and you've been dreading it and you're like, "This is going to suck. This is going to be horrible. I'm going to leave feeling terrible. I'm not going to have any fun. I'm not going to make any friends." And then you go and it was just as bad as you always thought it was going to be, or maybe even worse? Maybe it was always going to be that bad, maybe not, but maybe you talked yourself into things being that bad. Maybe you talked yourself into an argument with your partner. Maybe you talked yourself into a panic attack. I'm not self-blaming. I hope that my words don't come off as that, so I'm going to explain. Alyssa Scolari [12:55]: Again, let's go back to this event. I have this event to go to. I don't really feel like going. I'm not going to like anybody there and it's going to suck. So if you are going into it feeling that way and feeling very, very anxious and telling yourself, "I'm going to have a panic attack beforehand, because I can't leave my house. I don't like to engage with people." You are more likely to act in ways that align with the beliefs in your brain, because the thoughts that are coming up in your head, you are not taking those thoughts and going, "Okay, that's one possibility, but there could also be many other possibilities I could have a decent time." Alyssa Scolari [13:36]: More often than not, we are not doing that because I think especially as trauma survivors, we tend to try to stay in the black and white, because that feels better for us. So we like definitive concrete answers and thoughts and beliefs. So our brain goes to, "This is going to be your reality. You're going to go to this party. This party's going to suck. You're not going to make any friends. Nobody's going to like your outfit." And then we end up just believing that no matter what we do from now until this party, the outcome is always going to be the same and we are going to have a terrible time. But perhaps that is not the case. Alyssa Scolari [14:15]: Perhaps if you were able to identify those thoughts and say to yourself, "Okay, yeah, this is not ideal for me, but what if I might not have a horrible time? And what can I potentially do to make it so that I may not have a horrible time? What can I do? Can I try to pick out an outfit that I really like and feel really, really good in? Can I try to see who is going to be there and who I can connect with ahead of time so that I'm not feeling so alone? What can I do for the rest of that weekend to make my weekend very relaxing and enjoyable for me to ease the fact that I have to go to this event that I don't really like?" Thinking of ways that you can make your beliefs about a future event, not a reality. Make it a possibility, not a factual-based reality. And there are other ways that this shows up. I'm going to give you one example. Alyssa Scolari [15:29]: Many of you know I am in pelvic floor physical therapy for my endometriosis. I had surgery in late January, and I've been in PT for about probably since December, since before my surgery. And I go every week. And it has been really hard because it is very invasive. For those of you who don't know what pelvic floor physical therapy is, well, it involves a lot of things based around strengthening the pelvis, but also all of the muscles in and around the genitalia. Basically, it's like going to an OB-GYN appointment and having your internal examination last for 30 minutes. Because I do some strengthening work, but also I have to go and... I do want to include as an aside. I probably should have said this a little bit earlier, but I do want to include a trigger warning here because I am go going to be talking about sex. We're talking about sex. So if this is something that's uncomfortable for you, please feel free to go ahead and skip. Just want to offer a trigger warning right here and right now. Alyssa Scolari [16:46]: So for pelvic floor physical therapy, it involves me having to go. I have to take my pants off and she has to insert her fingers to be able to work with the muscles. She is retraining my muscles to calm down because everything is so tense because I have been in such excruciating pain for months on end. So she is having to work on all of the muscles inside of me. And as you can imagine, it is extremely triggering for somebody who has a history of sexual abuse. A few weeks back, I had a panic attack actually. And my physical therapist is amazing. I cannot complain about her whatsoever. She is super trauma informed, she is so safe, because I would not be going if I didn't feel extremely safe around her. But I actually had a panic attack in physical therapy a few weeks ago, and she helped me through that. Alyssa Scolari [17:47]: I just think that you guys know how I feel about the mind, body connection. Your body holds so much trauma. Mine certainly does. And so when she will like hit certain spots, my body will have a reaction in the form of a panic attack or some kind of trauma response that I have to work through. Perhaps a memory will come up. It has been a really difficult process. So she was teaching me about something new that she wanted to do to help me and I was extremely triggered by it. Again, it was nothing that she did because she's wonderful, but I was really, really triggered by it and I was like, "I don't know how I'm going to be able to do this. I don't know if I'm ready to do this. This feels uncomfortable." And I got through the appointment okay, but I think the emotions finally caught up with me when I got home. I on the drive home felt so like short of breath almost to the point where I was like, "Wow, do I have asthma?" Because I can't breathe." But it was my anxiety. Alyssa Scolari [19:01]: And so I kept telling myself, I was like working myself up into a panic. And I was like, "Oh my God, I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't go back to physical therapy. This is too much. This is too hard." And so I'm like working myself up and I'm working myself up and I'm like physical therapy is going to make me even more stressed out because it's bringing up all this trauma and I just can't do it. And so then I went home and I get out of my car. Mind you the day before I worked all day and it was a really difficult day that ended in chaos and just, it was difficult. I had to do things that I hate doing as a therapist. I had to break confidentiality. It is not fun. It was not fun. It was a really upsetting day. And so I was already stressed out. I already had a little bit of an emotional hangover. And so all of this is just like brewing inside of me and I'm in my head and I'm like, "I can't take much more. I can't take much more. I'm going to lose my shit if something happens. Alyssa Scolari [20:18]: And so I get home and I start making breakfast for myself because I hadn't eaten yet. And I hear my dog throw up and I was like, "No." I was praying that she threw up on the hardwood floor and not the carpet. And so I walk out into the living room and I see her on the stairs. Our stairs are hardwood, but we have these custom-made stair treads that are like carpets, little like traction carpets. And she's standing on the stairs and she's throwing up all over the stairs. And I panicked because I was like, "Dave is going to be so mad when he sees this. He's going to freak out. I can't handle this." This was the last straw and I'm laughing at myself now. It's not funny. I was really upset, but I just... Now that I'm looking back and I can see like the progression of events and how I just did not intervene when I knew I was getting to a bad place, I just kind of let it happen. Alyssa Scolari [21:37]: And so David heard me go, "Oh man." And so he came downstairs and I'm like, "No, no, no, no, no. Don't come downstairs. Don't look at it. You're going to get so mad." And he's not because I'm afraid of anger right now because I have been dealing with so much anger this week and I am an abuse survivor. I've dealt with angry men in the past and I am very triggered by it, but David is not an angry... he's not like that. So I was already dissociated. I was like, "No, no, no, don't look. You're going to freak out. You're going to freak out. And he saw, and he was annoyed. He was rightfully annoyed at the throw up on the stairs, because literally like throw up anywhere in the house... Most of house is hardwood. You're going to tell me that you picked the most difficult spot to throw up in this house. Are you kidding me? Alyssa Scolari [22:36]: I get it. He had every right to be annoyed. He didn't start screaming. He wasn't stomping. He wasn't throwing things, but I panicked. I was like, "I'll clean it up. I'll clean it up." And so he actually was just like, "No, I'll clean it up. No worries, because I don't do throw up. I will if I have to, but it makes me really sick." So he's like, "I got it," but he was annoyed. And I am... This is so embarrassing to say, but I lost my shit and I started like scream crying. I was like, "I told you I would clean it up... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/22748006

Episode 89: Debunking 8 Common Myths About Therapy 04/05/2022

Episode 89: Debunking 8 Common Myths About Therapy There are thousands of false representations of therapy in the media and general public. Some of these misconceptions about the therapeutic process may prevent people from seeking help or fully opening up in their sessions. In this week's episode Alyssa sets the record straight on 8 common myths about going to therapy. Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: Transcript Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hello, everybody. Welcome back. Or if you're new, welcome. And if you're old, welcome back. Well, not old, you know what I mean. It is good to be here. This is the Light After Trauma Podcast, and I am your host, Alyssa Scolari. Solo episode today, which is like... They might be my favorites. I think solo episodes are my favorites. I don't know. I love both. I feel like I've had some really good guest interviews, so I've got some really good guest episodes coming up for you all. But yeah, there's just something that hits different about these solo episodes. And it's nice to be able to talk to you all today, because let me tell you, I am having a shit week. And not just a week where things weren't really that great, I was in a grumbly mood, no, this was a no good, terrible, very bad week. Alyssa Scolari [01:22]: Is that a book? I feel like that's a book that I read in my childhood. It's not like Alexander's No Good, Terrible, Horrible, Very Bad Day or something like that. But regardless, that's the kind of week that I've had where everything that can go wrong, did go wrong. It shouldn't be that. That's a little bit of an exaggeration, quite honestly, but it really was a horrible, horrible week. And I would be lying if I told you I wasn't feeling like an absolute bag of shit right now, but I am trying to use my humor therapy to get through it. And podcasting always helps me feel better. So I'm just going to have venting corner for a second. Alyssa Scolari [02:13]: And skippers, if you want to skip, feel free to skip. You don't have to listen to me at all, but I'm just going to have a little venting corner here. So, a few things. Number one, I haven't really talked much about this, but a few years ago when I was really in like the worst of my PTSD, and by the way, I was made to be as bad as I was because I had a healthcare provider/therapist who was telling me I needed to be on all of these medications in order to function, so a huge red flag. It's something that I will talk to you all about one day, but just can't talk about it right now. Alyssa Scolari [02:57]: And maybe this was about three years ago, because about two and a half years ago, I realized that these medications were actually making me sicker, and I'm not saying that medication is bad, but what I was on was making me sicker. And I started the process of coming off of all of these medications. It has taken me two and a half years, because on Tuesday, so a week ago before this episode is airing, I stopped taking the last dose of the last medication that I was coming off of, and the withdrawal of all three of the medications that I was on has been horrendous and has left me with lifelong side effects, or what I believe will be lifelong, because I should have never been on that combination of medications. Alyssa Scolari [03:55]: I digress. This is a topic for another time. The point that I'm trying to make here is the withdrawal is horrendous, absolutely horrendous. And so I have been going through it this week. I can't sleep, I am sweating, I am twitching. I am in a rage that is so intense that I feel like I can't control myself. I am feeling almost like, if you're a Harry Potter fan are familiar with Harry Potter, the third book, Prisoner of Azkaban, the Dementors. I feel like I have a Dementor or multiple Dementors around me everywhere. Alyssa Scolari [04:37]: For those of you who aren't familiar, Dementors are these creatures that suck the happiness out of your soul, essentially, and make you feel as if you'll never be cheerful again. That is how I am feeling. I'm not sleeping. I'm just really, really irritable. I'm going through it. And then on top of that, I got my period, which like wasn't supposed to happen because I just had it two weeks ago. And I think what I didn't realize or what nobody tells you after endometriosis surgery is that number one, your first couple periods are excruciatingly painful because your body is still healing. And number two, your periods are going to be super irregular, all over the place, because again, your body is still healing. Alyssa Scolari [05:27]: Was I told that? Absolutely not. Did I have to learn that on the internet after I panicked because I thought that there was something wrong with me? Yes. So I wasn't expecting this. The cramps have kept me up all night as well, I've been in just a ton of pain mentally, physically. And on top of that, on top of that, yes, there is more, as many of you know, and if you're new in my more recent episodes, I talk about how I started EMDR. I started EMDR two weeks ago, and I was ghosted by my therapist. I mean ghosted, he didn't show up for our appointment, my second appointment. Alyssa Scolari [06:22]: People are... Well, not people. People are humans, therapists are humans, and we all make mistakes. And if you're on my Instagram and you've watched some of my stories where I'm talking about that therapist, you know that this was the final straw in a series of events where there have been issues with scheduling and not necessarily, scheduling and not on my end, but multiple times where this therapist has reached out to me and been like, "Hey, what time are we meeting?" And I would then have to tell them, or they would get the time wrong. And then our schedules would be messed up because I thought we were meeting at this time because that's what we said, but then they told me that we were meeting another time. Alyssa Scolari [07:09]: And so it's just been a series of unfortunate events that have... maybe isolated might not seem like a big deal, but when put together are showing a pattern that this is not somebody who's going to be reliable. And if you haven't listened to the previous episodes about EMDR, what you need to know about EMDR is that it is extremely dangerous work, potentially. And EMDR can cause folks with a trauma history to unravel a little bit. It's very intense, it's extremely painful, and it leaves people feeling raw. It is not safe to have a therapist who is unreliable. Alyssa Scolari [07:52]: And I think what really got to me is that I had this appointment on Tuesday, and then on Monday, this therapy has texted me and was like, "Wait, what time are we meeting on Thursday?" And I was like, "We're not meeting on Thursday, we're meeting on Tuesday." And I was like, "Does that still work with you?" And they were like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, that works." So this was less than 24 hours before our appointment. I get to the appointment and therapist isn't there, the therapist didn't show up. And the excuse that I was given for why they didn't show up really was not good and was very blatantly a lie and very much just came off as like, you totally forgot, you completely forgot about the appointment. Alyssa Scolari [08:33]: The therapist didn't call me to make sure I was okay, because I had one session of EMDR, for all they know, I could have been completely unraveled, going out of my mind. I could have been suicidal, but they neither called nor cared to call and check in on any of that and apologize for this abandonment. I was literally abandoned at the door. Now, I don't really have a relationship with that person. I liked our first session. So it didn't hit me as hard, but it really pisses me off. And it does hurt a little bit, because you know what? I shouldn't have to be more organized than my therapist. That's not okay. Alyssa Scolari [09:11]: And I could feel myself being like, "Okay, I'm clearly the more organized one. I'm the more structured one." And you know what? It's not okay for your therapist to keep reaching out to you multiple times to ask you when you're meeting, it's not appropriate. So I am done. And I have to now find a new therapist, which, if you've been looking for a therapist or if you're someone who has had to find a therapist in this pandemic, you know it has been nearly impossible to find somebody. Alyssa Scolari [09:41]: So I am now having to go back through and search for therapists. Mind you, after I've already done one EMDR session, so I'm a little bit raw and a little bit unraveled. I am honestly just pissed off. Those are like the three things that happened. And there's been some other things that honestly, I'm not going to bore you with, but it was just one thing after the next, after the next this week. And I'm like, "Fuck. Why?" Not to mention, it's just been shitty weather, which has really affected my mood. Alyssa Scolari [10:16]: I never realized how badly I had seasonal depression until this year, and I'm like, "Damn, I need the sunshine in my life." So that's what I got. That's what I got. It's been a crap week and I am just trying to get through it as best as I can and manage my emotions and my triggers. I think I'm doing really well, all things considered, but I'm feeling pretty frustrated and pretty let down, honestly, very let down with the whole therapist thing, because I was really looking forward to the EMDR process. And now I have to take some time off and look and search and take the time out. Alyssa Scolari [10:59]: I don't feel like it, but I know I have to because I have a big trip coming up this summer and I really want to work out some things and calm my nervous system a little bit before my big trip. So, that is that. I'll leave you with that. If you have hung in with me for this long, thank you for letting me vent. I appreciate it. And today, we are going to talk about some common myths for therapy. What people believe happens or takes place in therapy versus what actually happens. And this is really piggybacking off of last week's episode where I talk about how to find the right therapist for you. Alyssa Scolari [11:45]: Now I want to talk about what you can expect from therapy process and what some of the common myths are from therapy that really might not be true and that might, in all honesty, keep you from going to therapy if you believed them to be true. And I cannot take credit for this episode idea, I have to give this credit to my husband, Dave, Dave with the win. I think it's a great idea. I think it's fantastic because people have many misconceptions about what therapy actually is. And I would've never thought to do something like this, but my husband, I know we were talking the other day about the podcast, and he was like, "You should really do an episode on this." And I was like, "Damn, Dave, all right. All right." So kudos to Dave for this episode topic, because I'm really excited about it. Alyssa Scolari [12:37]: All right. So let's get into it. So myth number one. Myth number one is that only crazy... Ugh, I hate the word, or mentally ill people, severely mentally ill people, need to talk to therapists. You have to meet some kind of criteria for a diagnosis in order to go and speak to a therapist. This one is straightforward and pretty easy. And of course, I'm sure many of this, that is so not true. First of all, the word crazy... Listen, this crazy is still a part of my language, and I try very hard to take it out of my language because I think it's a very stigmatizing word. Alyssa Scolari [13:23]: Crazy is what we have used historically to describe people who truly do have mental illnesses or mental health disorders, so I really don't like the word crazy. So that word is just... I hate it. Sometimes I use it, sometimes it slips. I really try to be really good about it and correct myself if I do use that word. But regardless, you do not have to have mental illness or meet the criteria for a mental health disorder to go to therapy. Absolutely not. Anybody can go to therapy. And quite honestly, everybody should go to therapy. Alyssa Scolari [14:08]: Listen, I understand, therapy is not for everybody, and that is absolutely fine. But, these last few years in particular have been so difficult that I'm hard pressed to find somebody who's not in therapy these days, it just seems to be so common. Whether you just need some help navigating your relationship or whether you are just is having some mild anxiety that you want to talk to somebody about or whether you just really want to have somebody that you feel like you can talk to, we all need to talk about stuff, we all do. So sometimes you just might want somebody who can hold a safe space for you for one hour, once a week or once a month or once every other week, and that alone can be hugely powerful. Alyssa Scolari [15:05]: So you absolutely don't have to have any kind of mental health diagnosis to go to therapy. I think that most of us, I won't say most of us. I think that probably the folks who are listening to this podcast know that, or most of the folks who are listening to this podcast know that, but I don't think many people realize that. So the next one, myth number two, is that all you do in therapy is talk about how everything is tied back to your parents and how your mom and dad are to blame for everything. A lot of people don't want to go to therapy because they have no interest in rehashing the past. Alyssa Scolari [15:49]: Some people are processors and they need to go back and they need to rehash the past and they need to talk about it and they need to tell somebody what happened in order to be able to work through it. Other people don't want to do that. Other people don't want to sit there and talk about how it was their mom's fault, or it was their dad's fault, or it was their grandma's fault, or their grandpa's fault. They don't want to talk about that. They want to feel better without having to dive into the past. And a lot of people, I think, believe that that's just not possible and that therapy just looks like them having to go through every gruesome detail of their past. And that is so not true. Alyssa Scolari [16:31]: I know a lot of sexual abuse survivors actually tend to be hesitant to start therapy because they're like, "I cannot recount the details of my sexual abuse to somebody." And I am here to tell you that you don't have to. I didn't know this myself at all, and it's part of what I think made me hesitant to start going to therapy because I was like, "I can't talk about this stuff in detail. I don't want to, I don't even know if I'm going to trust the person I'm talking to." So please don't let that stop you from going to therapy because there are things that therapists do that have nothing to do with bringing up the past. Alyssa Scolari [17:13]: Listen, are we going to bring it up in the sense that we're like, "Oh, you have a history of this. And therefore we need this type of treatment"? Yes. But it's not going to be like, "Well, if you're not willing to tell me the details of your abuse, then you're really not ready for therapy." That's not the case at all. Therapists, myself included, have clients who come in and work with them and we never know the details of their abuse. I have people that have come in my office and I have never known the details of what happened to them, because we are focused on the present, we are focused on what's coming up right now, and how we can change that. We are focused on regulating the nervous system so that you can move forward in your future and live a happy and healthy life. Alyssa Scolari [18:06]: Myth number three. Myth number three is that all therapy is only a venting session, and I'm not going because I'm just going to pay somebody to listen to me and it's going to be useless. Well, I am here to tell you that if you are feeling like every single session, if you have therapy and you feel like every single session is venting session, and that your therapist is barely even saying anything in response to you, or if you are afraid to go to therapy because you feel like it might be a waste of money because you think that every single session is just venting, that is so not the case. Alyssa Scolari [18:45]: And again, if you are feeling like you are just venting in therapy and getting nothing out of it, then you should talk to your therapist about that. You absolutely should bring that up with your therapist because that is so not the case. Sometimes I try to not cut people off, but I try to redirect people. And I try to be very open about it. If I can see that somebody's just venting, I never want to take advantage of somebody's time. And so if I feel like somebody is just venting, I want to ask them, as a therapist, I'm going to be like, "Hey, you had a really rough week and it seems like you've got a lot you want to say. Do you want me to sit here and let you drive so that you can get all of this out. I'll sit in the passenger seat. You take the wheel, you drive, so you can get all of this out. And then when you're done and you're good and ready, whether it's this session or the next session, then we can go from there." Alyssa Scolari [19:48]: And sometimes they'll say yes, and sometimes they'll be like, "No, no, that's not what I want." Because therapy should not always be just venting, therapy should be a dialogue. And sometimes if I feel like somebody is just venting, I want to make them aware of it because what I don't want to happen is them to come in vent for the entire hour and then be like, "Oh my God, all I did was just repeat everything that I told my friend last night and I feel no different." I want to be able to allow space to be able to support that person, help that person, give them tools, give them feedback, link patterns that I see, ask them what could have been done differently, what can we do differently in the future? Have you tried this? Have you tried that? What do you think about this is? Etc. So it is really not just a venting session, I promise you that. Alyssa Scolari [20:41]: Myth number four, this is one of my favorites, one of my favorites. And it's actually one of my favorites because I think it's the most important and it breaks my heart so much. Myth number four is I can't tell my therapist how I'm truly feeling about my suicidal thoughts because they're going to send me to a hospital and I'm going to get admitted. They're going to lock me up and throw away the key. I cannot even begin to tell you how common of a fear this is. It is such a common fear, especially among, I think children, because children before they get to a therapist, typically have spoken to their guidance counselors in school. Alyssa Scolari [21:31]: And if children have shared with their guidance counselors in school that they feel suicidal, their guidance counselors have to send them to a hospital, like have to. So kids, I think a lot of times already have this idea in their head that it's not okay to be suicidal. And it is infuriating to me. I understand that schools do this because it's like a liability thing, but it is infuriating to me how much we criminalize. My complaint is a reflection on the system, honestly, because as we criminalize people who have suicidal thoughts, it's like punishment. It's like, "Oh, you want to hurt yourself? Okay. Well, now you have to go to this hospital where you're going to be further traumatized." Alyssa Scolari [22:18]: And this isn't just kids, it's adults too. You're going to get evaluated, they're going to pat you down. They're going to make... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/22672670

Episode 88: Finding the Right Therapist for You 03/29/2022

Episode 88: Finding the Right Therapist for You Where do I even begin to look for a therapist? How do I know what I can afford? How can I know if I’ve found the right therapist for me? If you’re thinking about getting a therapist but are feeling overwhelmed by all of it, this is the episode for you! Alyssa discusses some simple ways to begin looking for a therapist as well as how you can feel empowered in choosing the right person to help you on your healing journey. **Every donation to Patreon for the month of March will go to Doctors Without Borders to help support those injured in Ukraine. Alyssa will personally match your donation. See the podcast Patreon and learn more about Doctors Without Borders below!** Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: Transcript Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hello. Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I am your host, Alyssa Scolari, and we are back with another solo episode, took a little bit of a break last week and recycled an older episode about EMDR. And I hope that you all liked it because I know so many of you are new to this podcast. And we did that EMDR episode over a year ago at this point. And I think that it's a really good episode. It's one of my favorites that we've ever done on the show. Melissa Parks is amazing. So if you have not listened to it, I strongly encourage you to go check it out, because I think it's awesome. And part of the reason why I recycled that episode last week is because I've had quite a busy week this week and I really needed some time for just relaxation and recuperation. Alyssa Scolari [01:19]: I know I was mentioning in the last episode that things with my private practice have been a little bit just very hectic good, but, well, good and stressful, but hectic, nonetheless. And I also started EMDR myself. So at the time that I'm recording this, I had my first session this morning and I was so nervous. I really did not think I would be that nervous, but I have to say I loved it. It's really funny because I am so stubborn that it is infuriating, even to me sometimes. I have heard through and through from so many people that EMDR is exhausting, it's so tiring. It's really difficult for folks. It's very intensive. And so I walked into this guy's office, the therapist's office and he said exactly that he was like, I just want you to know this is, it's a really exhausting process. So make sure that your schedule is as clear as it can be for the rest of the day after your sessions. And I was like, eh, I'll be fine. It's fine. I'll power through, how exhausting can it be? Alyssa Scolari [02:40]: Oh my God, I was so wrong. I was so wrong. By six o'clock this evening, I could barely keep my eyes open. I had to just go take a shower and get ready for bed. And I had some dinner and I feel like I have a little bit more energy and I really wanted to record, because I wanted to talk about the stuff while it's fresh on my mind. So I have some energy, so I'm here recording, but honestly the first session was really good. We didn't get too deep into anything, but I was really proud of myself for going. And this therapist that I have is a male. And that was a really, really big challenge for me to have a male therapist. And I chose a male therapist almost intentionally. It's really hard to find a therapist right now. Alyssa Scolari [03:33]: Therapists, the demand is so high and there are few and far between. So it's really hard to find one. And I had reached out to a few women who specialized in EMDR and they did not have any openings. And then I found this place, this trauma center and the only people who had availability were male. And I was thinking to myself and I was like, do I want to do this? And I, even the thought of working with a male was really starting to make me upset. Just the thought was causing me a distress. And honestly, I took that as a sign that it's like, okay, I need to work on this. If just thinking about interacting with a male, aside from my husband, of course, is causing me that much stress, then maybe that's a sign that I actually should do this and should try to face my fear and process this and work through it. And I have to say, I'm really glad I did. Alyssa Scolari [04:41]: And now listen, that's not going to be the case for everybody. Please honor your fear response, honor your anxiety, honor where you're at in the moment, because trust me, there were times in my life where I was absolutely not. I never saw myself working with a male, but I just feel like it's time. I feel like it's time. And it went really well. It was really interesting. And I will be very curious to see where this goes and I'm looking forward to sharing it all with you. I have been exhausted, as I said, and I think that it's going to be a really intensive process, but I am really looking forward to feeling better. I couldn't be more excited about this. Alyssa Scolari [05:31]: So I feel like I made the right move. And when I was sitting with him today in his office, I realized, you know what? It's actually very, very hard to find the right therapist. And I'm not necessarily going to say a good therapist, because I don't really want to play so much judgment. I feel like most therapists, most, not all, are really doing the best they can. So I don't want to say good versus bad. I want to say the right therapist. It is way harder than I think people really even talk about. And I got very lucky and I don't know, I've only had one session. So who knows, I might go back next week and maybe something will happen and I'll be like, oh my goodness, I don't think this is going to work out. Building that relationship is going to take more than one session. Alyssa Scolari [06:30]: But I really liked him in that session. And it's actually rare to meet somebody the first time for therapy and feel like, okay, I got this. This is great. Maybe I shouldn't say rare. But what I should say is, it's not uncommon for people to go through a few different therapists before they find the right one. And I don't know if people even realize that there is a such thing as finding the right therapist. I think that so many folks go to therapy thinking that all therapists are generally the same and they don't realize that they have the power to say, I don't really think this is working for me. I think I might need to look for somebody else. And this just got me thinking about how so many folks don't really even know where to begin with looking for a therapist, because it is such an overwhelming and daunting task. And it's this fear of having to disclose all of your secrets or your trauma or your problems with somebody who is a complete stranger to you. People really don't know what to expect. Alyssa Scolari [07:50]: And it just hit me today while I was sitting in there as a first time client with this man, I was just sitting there and I was like, oh, I need to talk about this on the podcast, because people don't know, people don't realize that they have power and choices and options and they don't know what they should be looking for, where they should be looking. So I want to talk about that today, because even as somebody who's very aware of what it's like to navigate the finding a therapist world, this is what I do for a living. So I know what it's like. But even as somebody who is well aware of the process, it was still hard for me, not so much with this new therapist that I have, but it has still been hard for me in the past to find a therapist. Alyssa Scolari [08:45]: And I think that if I knew then what I know now, I wish that I could go back in time and equip my younger self with the tools that I have now to be able to be more selective about the therapists that I work with, because I have had some doozies. I have had some doozies for therapists, for sure. Again, I've had some bad therapists. I am going to play some judgment here. I've had some really shitty therapists, and I've had a very harmful therapists, therapists who have done things that honestly, one day I will tell you all about, but today is not that day. So I am here to talk about this today, to equip you with the tools, if you are somebody who is like, I want to start talking to somebody, but I'm afraid. I don't even know where to begin. It's very overwhelming. Can I afford it? We are going to talk about all of those things today. Alyssa Scolari [09:40]: So I want to start off first by talking about finances and touching on it briefly, because it, well, and I should say this. What I'm about to say is not necessarily going to be a universal. So I'm only aware as far as it concerns the United States, but I know we have listeners from all over the world. So I do not know if this is going to still hold true for you if you are in another country. So I'm just going to touch on this briefly. So in the United States, it basically comes down to therapists who accept insurance, and therapists who don't. If you're looking at certain websites for therapists, you might see a very common phrase called out-of-network. An out-of-network therapist means that they do not accept any insurance upfront, meaning that you would have to pay the full fee out-of-pocket. Alyssa Scolari [10:37]: Now, it can be very, very expensive to do that, especially if you're in therapy once a week, let's say your session is a hundred dollars an hour. And I don't know, that could be high in some places, that could be lower in some places. But let's say that the therapists fee is a hundred dollars an hour. Well, now you're looking at $400 a month. So these fees can add up. So out-of-network therapists can be expensive. But with that being said, there's something that you should know, which is that your insurance company, depending on what plan you have, may reimburse you a percentage of your therapist's fee. So if you are thinking that you might want to work with an out-of-network therapist, then you would call your insurance company and ask what are my out-of-network benefits for mental and be behavioral health. Alyssa Scolari [11:40]: And at that point, your insurance company is going to say, well, you don't have any on your plan, or, well, we will reimburse you 70% of every session. And if the therapist fee is a hundred dollars and your insurance is going to reimburse you 70%, what they're going to do is every 30 days, they're going to mail you a check. Well, I shouldn't say every 30 days, I think that it depends on the insurance company, but they're going to mail you a check for 70%, meaning you're now only paying $30 a session. Now, of course, that's assuming that you have that money to be able to put up front, that can also be a problem for folks. So these are just things for you to think about, but don't automatically shy away from out-of-network therapists because you never know, your insurance company might actually pay for a part of it. Of course, your insurance company doesn't like to tell you that, because they would rather have you see somebody in-network, but it doesn't hurt to ask. Alyssa Scolari [12:45]: And then, of course, you have your in-network therapists, and these are therapists who accept your insurance and you would pay, I think probably a smaller copay or really depends on your insurance plan, $30, $5, $10. And your therapist would be in charge for billing your insurance. And then the insurance company would pay your therapist. As opposed to you paying your therapist with an out-of-network person and your insurance then reimbursing you, it would be you just pay the copay and then your insurance company will pay your therapist. I hope that was not too confusing, but those are basically the two categories when it comes to looking at finances. And so you really want to think about that, in terms of the differences and competency levels. Honestly, I have a therapist who's out-of-network and I have a therapist who's also in-network right now. I have two therapists right now. Alyssa Scolari [13:44]: Is that a little bit out of the ordinary? Yes. Ideally we do not want to have more than one therapist, because things can get very messy. And who wants that much therapy? The reason that I have two therapists right now is because I am doing EMDR, which is a short term type of treatment. And I am sticking with the therapist that I have been with for quite some time now. So I just added a second therapist for the EMDR component, but it's definitely not a typical thing to have two therapists. So as I said, one of my therapists is out-of-network, one of my therapists is in-network. And I love, the therapist that I have been with the longest is in-network. My EMDR therapist is out-of-network, and I love the therapist that I have now. She's amazing. She has taught me so much. She has helped me heal from so much. Alyssa Scolari [14:47]: So I really can't say anything about the competency levels. It really isn't like, oh, this person's out-of-network, because they have a greater skillset and they're better. No, no, I really don't feel like that way whether it's in-network versus out-of-network. I also really don't feel that way when it comes to the degree type either. I have met people with master's degrees who are therapists and they are phenomenal, but I've also met psychologists, people with doctorate degrees who are also phenomenal. So none of that stuff really matters. Really the point in knowing if you have out-of-network benefits or not, is so you know what your options are, what are my choices when I'm going to look at a therapist? Because one of the most upsetting feelings is when you doing your research online and you go and you think you find a therapist and you read all through their profile and you love what you're reading. And you're like, oh my goodness. I think I could really see myself working with this person. And then you reach out to them and they're like, ah, I'm out-of-network. I'm out-of-network. I don't accept your insurance. Alyssa Scolari [16:04]: And then it just becomes disappointing because then you're like back to square one. So I think it's important to know what your options are. And I think it's something that's important to look out for when you are doing your searches. And speaking of searches, where do you search? Where do you even begin? One of the most common search engines for therapists and really for anything obviously is Google, but there are also some different sites where you can check off certain qualifications or specifications, especially when it comes to insurance, or when it comes to the type of therapy that you're looking for. And you can do that, there's a website called psychology today. So if you're not familiar with it, you can go right to www.psychologytoday.com, and then you can list either your zip code or the town that you live in and your insurance and your age. And then it will give you a list of all therapists in that area that meet those very specific qualifications. Alyssa Scolari [17:09]: That saves you a lot of time, because then you're not rifling through Google, looking for therapist after therapist, having to click on the page, read through, see if they take insurance, websites like Psychology Today save if you a ton of time. And then there's also a website called GoodTherapy. That is very, very helpful for people too, so I think it's www.goodtherapy.com. And there are other websites, but those are two of the main ones that I see. There's definitely a bunch of others. So you will certainly find them, even if you just google therapist, therapist websites, or websites to search for a therapist on, you will find plenty, but it was probably a lot more time saving for you to go through a website like that rather than Google. Alyssa Scolari [18:03]: Now, with that being said, not every therapist is necessarily listed on those websites. So maybe Google will be your friend. Who knows. It's difficult. It's one of those things when you have to try to see for yourself what feels right for you. So, that's just the therapist search. Then comes scheduling an appointment and getting in the door. That is the hardest part is showing up to your first session. And I feel like so many people don't realize when they go to their first session, that they are interviewing the therapist just as much as the therapist is questioning or interviewing them. Alyssa Scolari [18:51]: I don't think people realize that they can ask questions to their therapist. They can ask about their degrees. You can ask about their specialties, their training, their experiences. These are things you would want to know, because ultimately you are entrusting this person with your care. And if you went to a doctor and you hated that doctor, you wouldn't go back to that doctor. I would hope not. You would be like, forget that doctor. I'm never going back. Same thing goes for a therapist. I don't know if people really understand the variability that comes among therapists. And it really is a matter of you trying to find what you are looking for. Some people want a therapist who is a blank slate, who can sit there and be like a mirror who just reflects back what you're saying. Some people really want that. Some people hate that. Some people want a therapist who is a little bit more involved, who can give. Some advice, who can give some opinions and thoughts. Some people are looking for that. Alyssa Scolari [20:01]: It completely depends. You might not even know what you're looking for until you walk in, until you walk right into the office and sit down and start talking to that person, you might be like, I don't even know if I'm feeling this or, oh, I really do like this. Here's the thing about therapy. And I say this to everybody who comes in my office, their very first session, any single one of my clients can attest to the fact that I've had this spiel with them. The most important predictor of success in therapy is the relationship that you have with your therapist. So, if at the end of the day you aren't looking forward to talking to your therapist. If you don't really care for your therapist that much. If you disagree with the way your therapist does things, you are not going to really make much progress or headway in therapy, because the most important thing is feeling like you have a good connection and a good relationship. Alyssa Scolari [21:07]: So I encourage you when you do start meeting with therapists, and when you do sit down for those appointments, ask questions, maybe write down ahead of time what kind of questions do you have? What would you want to know about somebody who you are entrusting with your trauma? What would you want to know? Some things that I'd like to know is what's your experience with this? What types of trauma have you worked with? Something I would like to know is why? Why do you do what you do? I think that's a really important question. I really like vulnerability. I think that when you are able to see your therapist as a human being, I think that, that can be really, really powerful. Alyssa Scolari [21:58]: So maybe ask that question, why did you choose to do that? And again, you're not asking so you can get your therapist to disclose their deepest, darkest vulnerabilities, but it's just like, why do you care? It's almost like, why do you care about me? Why would you care about this? What do you do this for? Any therapist, I think would be more than happy to answer that question. And along with any other questions you may have that aren't, again, super invasive. You don't want walk in there and be like, how... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/22587233

87: Redux - How EMDR Can Help You Heal with Melissa Parks, LCSW 03/22/2022

87: Redux - How EMDR Can Help You Heal with Melissa Parks, LCSW REDUX: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is one of the leading treatments for PTSD. Melissa Parks breaks down how this therapy can help you recover and why it is so highly effective. NEW: Alyssa also shares her personal journey with starting this type of treatment. **Every donation to Patreon for the month of March will go to Doctors Without Borders to help support those injured in Ukraine. Alyssa will personally match your donation. See the podcast Patreon and learn more about Doctors Without Borders below!** Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: Transcript Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hey everybody, what's up? Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma Podcast. I'm your host, Alyssa Scolari, and I am recording this episode on a gorgeous Friday morning. I am in a good mood. But it has honestly been a rough week, or I should say like a rough couple of weeks. I don't know what is going on or what is in the air, but man, I just feel like things have been so hard. It's just, I think there's a lot going on between people trying to get back to living a semi-normal life or a new normal and everybody is having parties and hosting things. And it's really exciting, but as somebody who is like an introvert inside and somebody who has really spent a lot of time indoors over the last two years for the pandemic, it causes me kind of a lot of anxiety to suddenly go from not being invited anywhere to being invited to all of these places every single weekend. Alyssa Scolari [01:31]: And just things with my practice, like my private practice have been, I don't want to say difficult, but not the easiest or the happiest I should say. Not that I'm unhappy in my job, I love what I do, but there are times where this job is really hard and I have had to set a lot of firm boundaries the last couple of weeks. And setting boundaries is really, really hard for me, it's extremely triggering. Because when I set a boundary, I have this massive fear that something bad is going to happen. So, it's just been a week for me filled with a lot of anxiety, still recovering from surgery, still going to physical therapy. So, whatever, it's really neither here nor there. Alyssa Scolari [02:21]: All of that is to say that it's been difficult. I'm in a good mood today, the sun is shining, but the last few weeks have been a little bit rough for me. And with that being said, this week's episode is an episode that was recorded and that went live a year, a little more than a year ago, so early March of 2021. And I am replaying it today because it is very fitting and it's one of our most popular episodes. But it came out when the podcast was very, very new. So, for everybody who is new, this episode might be brand new for you. And even if it's not, it's something that's important to listen to even again and something that you may or may not want to consider. Alyssa Scolari [03:10]: And so, basically, what we're doing today is I am reposting the EMDR episode. So, EMDR is this specific type of trauma therapy that is used to treat both standard PTSD and complex PTSD, and it has a ton of research backing its effectiveness. And it really works on rewiring the brain. Because trauma is rooted in the brain, it sometimes makes talk therapy, which sometimes makes talk therapy not enough. Some people do great with talk therapy, and for some people, it truly isn't enough. I find that with some folks with complex PTSD, talk therapy is not always sufficient. It's definitely necessary, of course, but sometimes we need a little bit more. Alyssa Scolari [03:59]: And that has been the case that I have been finding with myself. Last week, we talked about cultivating safety in order to be able to do the trauma work. And the thing about EMDR is that is crucial. You need a sense of safety, because EMDR is intensive and it's very difficult. And that being said, it's also very short-term so it's not something where you're doing for years and years and years. But it's an intensive process. So, I've just been feeling lately like I want to do more to help my nervous system because I've come very far and I'm doing extremely well, but I still have all of these triggers that are just causing my nervous system to go haywire. Alyssa Scolari [04:49]: And it is becoming just a really big inconvenience for me to get triggered over a sound, over a site and then have flashbacks. And as much work as I've done, I feel like my brain is still on fire sometimes. So, I have really been feeling like over the last couple of months that now that I'm through my surgery and I'm recovering, I am ready to take my healing to a different level and to try this out. I also really want to try it because if it's something that I find is very effective, I am considering getting trained in it so I can help my clients. So, I am going to be starting EMDR this week and I'm really excited. I am going to be staying with the therapist that I currently have. Alyssa Scolari [05:43]: Now, the therapist I currently have is not trained in EMDR, but I am actually bringing on a second therapist and he's going to be more of a short-term therapist because he's the EMDR specialist. So, my first appointment is this week and I'm really excited and also really nervous, and I'm looking forward to bringing you all along on this journey. So, I will, of course, keep you all posted. We will see how it goes. I feel ready for it, I feel ready for this next step in my healing. Not that this step is any better or any worse than any of the other steps, if EMDR is not for you, that is totally fine. But I just think it's interesting to try to explore this option for healing. Why not? I'm in a place where I feel good and ready for it. Alyssa Scolari [06:37]: So, that is what is up for this week. I am excitedly and anxiously anticipating it and I thought that it would be helpful for both myself and everybody to relisten to this episode with Melissa, who is the EMDR specialist. She also is on TikTok. She's hysterical, but you will hear all about that in the episode. So, I hope you enjoy. I have found this episode fascinating. EMDR was a very convoluted topic for me and a very seemingly overwhelming type of therapy that I always stayed away from, I never really wanted to look at because it just seemed like too difficult or complex for me. But I think that this episode is really great because Melissa breaks it down and makes it more digestible. Alyssa Scolari [07:29]: So, I will stop talking now. Oh, no, I will not stop talking actually, because just a few housekeeping things. Please remember that for the entire month of March, we are donating to Ukraine. So, if you sign up to become a member on Patreon, whatever money that you donate for the first, for the month of March, is going to go directly to Doctors Without Borders to help with the efforts in Ukraine. I have my Patreon linked in the show notes and also of the Doctors Without Borders linked in the show notes so that you can check it out and see if it's something that you're interested in. Thank you so much to people who have already donated. This is so exciting. Alyssa Scolari [08:09]: I know that we're a pretty small platform so we're not going to be raising thousands and thousands of dollars, but honestly, any little bit helps and counts and is going to help people in Ukraine so much. So, I'm really excited about this. If you want to be a part of it and you want to donate, please go to the show notes. Again, if you become a Patreon member for the month of March, your first month's donations are going directly to Doctors Without Borders and I am also matching your donation. So, now, I will stop and I will let you get on with the episode where Melissa and I talk about EMDR. I have so much love for you all and I am holding you all on the light, and I'll be back again next week. intro music Alyssa Scolari: Hey all what's up. Welcome to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I'm your host, Alyssa Scolari. And we have here with us today, Melissa Parks. So you have Melissa and Alyssa, so it's going to be a good time. Melissa is an EMDR therapist, as well as a couples therapist. She is devoted to helping you stop the cycle of conflict in your relationships and to understand your nervous system in order to experience more joy, she has been using her expertise and her humor on social media to de-stigmatize mental health, you will often hear her use the phrase you make sense. So just a quick side note, I found Melissa on Tik-Tok. She is a bomb Tik-Tok maker. I thoroughly enjoy watching all of your Tik-Tok. So when she says that she uses humor as part of her therapy, she is not kidding. Her Tik-Toks are really funny and I really appreciate them. So, hi, Melissa. Welcome. And thank you for all that you do. Melissa Parks: Hey, I'm so glad to be here. Thank you so much for having me. It's a true honor. I'm excited. Alyssa Scolari: I'm so excited for you to be here and to talk about a topic that quite honestly, I don't really know a whole lot about. So this is going to be a major learning experience for me as well as a lot of the listeners. So would you be able to share a little bit more on like what you do, who you are and could you break down that like gigantic acronym? That is EMDR. Melissa Parks: Yes. Yes, absolutely. Well, like you so beautifully said, I am a therapist, a couples therapists, EMDR therapist. I do coaching. I do consultation. I do lots of things, but I treat clients in the state of South Carolina and I am so passionate about that. I came into the field and have been licensed for 17 years, and I still feel just as passionate, if not, even more passionate than I was when I first started, I really am on fire for all this stuff. In terms of EMDR trauma-focused stuff, attachment focused stuff. It's just my favorite. It's just one of my favorite things. So I'm excited to be able to talk about this today to maybe help bridge the understanding for folks because you know, it can be kind of, you know, intimidating when you just, the acronym, like you said, is a little intimidating: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. That's a mouthful. Alyssa Scolari: Yes, it is. Melissa Parks: It's like what is Well I'd love to take some time to explain some about it and then. Open up for questions. Definitely. But Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is an evidence-based treatment model, which just means that it has extensive research and it's been proven .It has proven outcomes and way back when it was only used to treat trauma, but now we know that it can treat trauma, it can treat complex trauma, it can treat a myriad of issues, including distressing symptoms, like chronic depression, anxiety, just a whole host of things. So it's not just trauma. And it's based on a model that theorizes that our current symptoms are a result of unprocessed memories from our past that are showing up in our present. So for example, the brain may have had an experience from the past and it was unable to integrate all the components of that experience. And so what happens is our amazing nervous system comes up for us to protect us, to keep us sane and it fragments that experience into pieces. And that's what we see in our current day are those fragments of the experience as our symptoms. Overwhelming feelings, body sensations, whatever they are. That's what our symptoms are. That's what this EMDR model is based on. It's basically saying our past is in our present. Alyssa Scolari: I gotcha. And when you say just to, and I don't mean to interrupt, I just had a quick thought, when you say unprocessed memories, do you mean repressed memories that are stored in our subconscious that haven't come to conscious, or could it be both, both repressed memories and suppressed memory. So things that we can recall, but just haven't really digested or integrated. Melissa Parks: Right, right, right. I would say all the above, I would say all the above and when we're talking, you know, cause I would say all of us have unprocessed memories. So, I mean, we all do, but when it comes to trauma, that's a different story. When it comes to trauma, that's a little bit more in depth, a little bit more intense because with a trauma experience we have an experience that's too much, too soon, too much for too long or too little, for too long. So think like neglect. And in those situations, the signals from the amygdala, the fear center of the brain are so much, are so intense that the top part of our brain, which usually down-regulates and helps soothe that fear is gone. And this experience causes the integrative functions in the brain to fail. And so that's where we have that fragmenting that happens. So this is more of what, where I'm talking about the fragmented pieces as it relates to trauma. But yes, I think we all have unprocessed memories. The research talks about this and we learn about this when we're initially being trained in EMDR. Alyssa Scolari: Wow. So, so what does that look like in practice? From what I understand, there's lots of, and this could just be one of my own myths or beliefs, there's lots of tapping that happens. Am I right on that one? Melissa Parks: Yes, that's what EMDR is known for. But so before I go into that, which is really helpful. So with all that, I just said that, you know, we have these fragmented parts, these assimilated parts of a memory that are showing up in our present. This is why EMDR is so awesome because EMDR is a bottom up brain approach. It's a treatment of association. So it helps us associate those dissociated parts. And when, I mean, by bottom up, so a lot of treatments out there spend a lot of time in that top part of our brain, which is our more sophisticated part of our brain, which holds more of our thinking stuff, the way that we rationalize. And we think about things and those are helpful too. But if we have trauma. And if we have all these fragmented pieces that are coming up from our past, we can't think those away. Our body is taking over. And so EMDR comes to help us from the bottom part of the brain to help us associate those things and assimilate those things. And this is why, you know, it's really important to just put that out there and recognize the impact of EMDR from that perspective, how it treats the brain and how we integrate in that way. But that's what EMDR is known for is the tapping, right. Or the eye movements. Alyssa Scolari: That's what I've always heard. Yeah, I'm sure that's only part of it. Yeah. I do want to just say for the listeners out there, you all won't be able to see this, but as Melissa was saying that, you know, talking about bringing these essentially disassociated or disconnected parts and connecting them, she was almost interlacing her fingers, which I think is a really great portrayal of what you're trying to say, which is we're taking all of these pieces and we're integrating them. It is like the full integration of the brain from a bottom up approach instead of surface level down approach. If I'm understanding that correctly. Melissa Parks: Yes, you are 100%. And I think it's important to also note here is that EMDR is like a resilience model, which means it believes that we have everything that we need to heal. The clinician is just sort of the conductor and whatnot, but it believes that we are all wired with resilience and that something got in the way, right. Trauma, for example, got in the way and sort of rewired ourselves towards self protection instead of connection or these other things. But EMDR really operates out of this stance that you have what you need, and that resiliency is there and you are adaptive and we're going to work with all that, which is beautiful. And why I particularly love this model and that it's so trauma-informed and resilience based. Alyssa Scolari: Yeah, that's very empowering. Very empowering. Melissa Parks: It is very much though. So with the bilateral stimulation is what you're talking about. So the tapping or the eye movements, that's only, you know, that's not an all eight phases of EMDR because this is an eight phase model. So we're doing. Yes. Yes. And some clients come in, when are we going to do EMDR? And I'll say, well, we've been doing it ever since you came in because you know, part of EMDR also involves case conceptualization, taking a history, doing a treatment plan, which we're not doing tapping or bilateral stimulation through that. But that is typically what people think EMDR is moving the eyes and the tapping. And so I'm happy to talk about that piece because it is a pretty important piece. And it's probably what sort of separates EMDR from many of these other therapies, Alyssa Scolari: Right, right. Because another therapies it's just primarily talk therapy unless you were doing, you know, neurofeedback or something of that sort. But... Melissa Parks: RIght. Alyssa Scolari: is more of like a, I don't know, it's like tapping into the brain. It sounds like. Melissa Parks: No pun intended, right? Alyssa Scolari: Right. I was going to say no pun intended, but pun fully intended, definitely tapping into the brain. Melissa Parks: Yes. So treatment of EMDR really involves some procedures where number one, we are activating these old memories. By way of sensations, images, beliefs, feelings. So we want to activate that. And part of that involves this dual attention because we don't want to activate something like that and retraumatize you. We don't want to activate that and get you back into the memory where you're fully immersed in it, and it is overwhelming and it takes you outside of your window of tolerance. That is not what we want to happen, but we want to activate that where we have one foot in that past issue. And then we also have one foot in the present day where you're in the office with the client and or with the clinician. So one foot in the past one foot in the present. So we're activating the memory with all of those components. And then this is where we bring in the bilateral stimulation. And this is rhythmic side to side stimulation. Left ,right, left, right. And this is, by way of eye movements. So the clinician can wave their fingers in front of the eyes of the client that the eyes will pass the midline. We can use hand tapping. I have little buzzers where they hold the little buzzers and it kind of buzzes back and forth. You can do tones in the ears, but either way it's stimulating left, right, left, right. And this activates and integrates information from both sides of the brain. And so we have full brain integration. So we're setting up a state for the system to do what we wanted it to do. Back during the trauma, we're setting up a state for the system to bring those dissociated pieces together, associate them again in a safe way, and sometimes in a titrated way. Meaning we only take a little bit at a time because we don't want to overwhelm the client. And as a result, the old memory ends up being stored properly. The components of the memory are now timestamped appropriately. Cause remember I said, our symptoms are the past and the present. Well now when we set up this state and we help the brain integrate. Those parts can say: "Oh, we belong back here when I was 10, we don't belong here when I'm 30 anymore." So those old parts are now integrated (and) oriented to the correct time. And our distress is reduced about the whole situation. And we also take what is useful in terms of our thoughts about a memory, for example, It's over or unsafe now, or I am good ,or something. And then we can take that into our future and move forward. The... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/22514426

Episode 86: What You Need in Order for Trauma Therapy to Work with Alyssa Scolari, LPC 03/15/2022

Episode 86: What You Need in Order for Trauma Therapy to Work with Alyssa Scolari, LPC Addressing your trauma in therapy can be one of the hardest, bravest things you’ll ever do. But before you do so, there are important safety measures that need to be put in place in order for therapy to be effective. Trying to process trauma without having safety and security in other areas of your life can lead to re-traumatization and an overall negative treatment experience. Tune into this week’s episode to learn about what you may need to make therapy as helpful as possible. **Every donation to Patreon for the month of March will go to Doctors Without Borders to help support those injured in Ukraine. Alyssa will personally match your donation. See the podcast Patreon and learn more about Doctors Without Borders below!** Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: Transcript Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of The Light After Trauma Podcast. And if you're new here, well just welcome in general. So happy to have you, happy to be here. We've got a little bit of a shorter episode coming at you today. It's been kind of a wild week for me, so please forgive me. I have had so many appointments, just like doctor's appointments after doctor's appointments and it's all good stuff, I'm doing well, things are fine. But it has just been a lot and I've been a little overwhelmed. So I actually originally wanted to talk about something else today, but I've been getting a lot of questions from you all about really the process of starting the trauma work, meaning like working through your trauma, trying to get yourself into recovery from your trauma. And this is a really important thing to talk about. Alyssa Scolari [01:22]: And I had a lot of questions this week in my private practice and through the podcast of just like, how do I even begin to start this? And I think that's a really important question. And I don't think that it's really talked about a whole lot. I think some people think, well, you just sign up for therapy and you go and you start talking about it, but doing that can actually be dangerous. There are certain safety measures that have to be put in place for the trauma therapy to work, the trauma recovery to be effective. So that is what we were talking about today. Alyssa Scolari [02:03]: So just a few housekeeping things before we get into it. Number one, I just want to remind everybody that for the month of March, we are donating to Doctors Without Borders to help the people in Ukraine right now. So you can read more about Doctors Without Borders in the show notes. And what we're doing for this month is if you become a Patreon member, which you can sign up to be a Patreon member, again go right to the show notes, whatever you decide to donate for the month of March is going to go directly to doctors without borders and to take it even one step further, I am going to personally match your donation. Alyssa Scolari [02:46]: So I really think this is a great way to raise some money, to be able to send over and help Ukraine, because I don't know about you all, but I have been feeling so helpless and I am just kind of looking for ways to help. So again, head right to the show notes. We are donating the month of March, whoever signs up on our Patreon, whatever you decide to donate for March is going to go to doctors without borders. And then I am also going to personally match your donation. So thank you ahead of time for that up. Alyssa Scolari [03:19]: And then lastly, I wanted to thank everybody. We've got another review on the podcast. Well, a few other reviews across different platforms. I know there was one that was up on Spotify and there was another one on Apple Podcasts and I'm really excited. These reviews help so much. They help move the podcast up in the rankings. And when your podcast moves up in the rankings, it then becomes more available to people. People are more likely to see it pop up on recommendations for them if they happen to be Googling something or searching for something. And the goal is really to give people the chance to have free access to some type of mental health education and support. So your reviews go such a long way in supporting this podcast even more than the Patreon. Although the Patreon is so helpful too, because this podcast does cost quite a bit of money. There's a lot of funds that go into it. Alyssa Scolari [04:20]: So the Patreon is so helpful as well. And I just appreciate all of the support from all of you. So if you are able to sign up to become a patron, that's fantastic. And if not, no worries. If you're able to leave a review, that is also amazing. And also remember that if you haven't given us a follow on Instagram yet, please go follow us. The Instagram handle is Light After Trauma. And I also should mention that if you do decide to become a Patreon member, you can also request specific episode topics. So if there's something that I haven't talked about yet, that you would really like me to discuss, if you're a Patreon member, you absolutely can message me through Patreon and you can request specific topics. So I think that covers it for the housekeeping things. Alyssa Scolari [05:13]: So without further ado, let's get into it. So as I was saying before, in order to do the trauma work, if you are considering starting therapy, or maybe you have tried to do the trauma work before, and it just hasn't worked out, it has been too painful or too overwhelming for you, or maybe that's not the case. Maybe you're like, no, I can't even think about starting the trauma work and I wouldn't even know where to begin. I think that this is going to be really helpful for you. It was really helpful for me and it continues to be helpful for me as I understand really what I need in my life to be able to process certain events, or memories, or specific traumas. So you need a certain level of safety. And when I say safety, I'm talking about really two main types of things. Alyssa Scolari [06:13]: You need emotional safety, but you also need physical safety. And I'm going to talk a little bit more about each of those. So let's start with physical safety. I learned, and I'm sure anybody who has ever studied any kind of psychology, has learned about something called Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. And one thing at the top of this pyramid, basically what Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is, and don't quote me on this directly because it's been a little bit of time since undergrad. But basically it is this hierarchy of needs, it's this pyramid of things that you need in your life in order to have a sense of safety and in order to reach a sense of happiness and contentment in your life. Alyssa Scolari [07:03]: And one of the first things is physical safety and a sense of security. And I'm talking like you're very, very basic stuff. So like all the way at the bottom of Maslow's pyramid is like, you're psychological needs. We're talking food, we are talking water, we are talking shelter, things like that. We need those things in order to do anything in life. Alyssa Scolari [07:33]: If you are struggling with what you are going to eat, if you don't have enough money to pay for food, if you can't pay your bills, if you have credit card debt, if you are about to be kicked out, if you're about to be evicted from your home, you can't do the trauma work safely when your physical needs aren't being met. And so many people, millions of people around this world can't do the trauma work because that is the type of environment that they are living in. They are living paycheck to paycheck, if that, they are barely able to make ends meet, every single minute is a struggle or a stressor of thinking, what am I going to do next? What are we going to eat tonight? How am I going to feed, I don't know myself, my kids? And it's how am I going to pay for the doctors? Things like that. Alyssa Scolari [08:36]: I can't go to the doctors because I don't have insurance because I can't afford insurance. I can't go get my cavity taken care of. So I am in constant pain all of the time, because I can't afford a dentist. It's really bad in the United States when it comes to healthcare. Really bad. I know like in Germany, Germany and other countries, it's a lot easier to have affordable healthcare. In the United States, it is nearly impossible unless you have a job where you are given good insurance. And even then, it can be expensive depending on your deductibles and things like that. But when people are struggling just to live, just to breathe and feed themselves, when people don't have access to clean water, they can't do the trauma work. When people can't get to a doctor, but are experiencing excruciating pain, they can't do the trauma work. Not because there's anything wrong with them. God, no, that's not it at all, but because it's not safe. Alyssa Scolari [09:57]: And why is it not safe? Well, because trauma work takes so much of you and it requires you to live in your body, to work towards living in your body when the trauma that we've experienced causes us to want to disassociate and leave our bodies. It's really, really hard to just live in a body and to revisit all of our past memories and to try to integrate them with who we are now, when we don't really have a ton of protective factors. It's not like we can say, well, I was really traumatized back then, but right now, I'm safe because you're not. If you're somebody who's struggling and living paycheck to paycheck, that's not a sense of safety and security. Alyssa Scolari [10:55]: So you're already in a state where you are being traumatized by your situation in the present, or what's happening to you is re-traumatizing you from things you dealt with in the past. So if you're already in a state of not feeling safe to then go back and rehash all those memories and to ask you to be present and not dissociate would be a complete override of your system. It would just be so ... It wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be fair for anybody to ask you to do that, but it also just wouldn't be safe for people to do that. Alyssa Scolari [11:36]: I also see this a lot in people who repress their trauma and who don't ... They really don't remember their trauma. They don't remember what happened to them. I am one of those people for those of you who are new and don't really know my story. I am somebody who has repressed my trauma. I did not know anything for years. If you had asked me 10 years ago, if I thought that I had trauma, I would've been like, absolutely not. I don't really even know what that is. Are you out of your mind? And then what happened is I got married and this event happened and it was a horrible event. And I don't think I've talked about it on the podcast. And I will talk about it one day soon. I've just honestly still been processing the fallout from it myself. So I will talk about it soon, but this horrible event happened that started to trigger all of these memories in me. Alyssa Scolari [12:36]: And it wasn't just that event that caused me to remember. It wasn't just that horrible event. But I also had established a sense of safety. Before I had gotten married, I was so, so stressed out. I was in grad school. I was making such little money. I was in a job that was extremely dangerous. I was not well taken care of by my supervisors at all. They did not care. They were asking me to go into people's homes, to deal people who were very dangerous. They were asking me to go in completely alone. I was working all the time and I also was really, really sick physically. I was very sick physically. I had absolutely no space to do the trauma work. Alyssa Scolari [13:32]: And really my whole life, I was so sick with my eating disorder. Plus I also had been around people who were extremely unsafe for me. So I was not going to be able to remember what happened to me. I wasn't going to be able to process my trauma. If you are a child and you are living with a household member who is abusive, it's going to be really hard for you to acknowledge that that person is abusive because you still have to live with them. So it's not like you can go to a therapist and say, "Hey, I think I'm being abused." I mean, listen, you can. There people who do, I certainly have had plenty of children in my office who have said, "I think I'm being abused." Alyssa Scolari [14:23]: But sometimes our brains repress, our brains push things down and don't let us even know or acknowledge that we are being abused because it wouldn't be safe for us. In order to really do the trauma work, it's really important for you to be in an environment in which you are not having to stress about your physical needs, meaning you're not having to worry about somebody abusing you, you're not having to worry about how you're going to get your next meal, or you're not worried about the quality of your water, things like that. Not worried about being kicked out of your home. Those are things that are essential. Alyssa Scolari [15:07]: So here's the other thing that's needed, and that's emotional safety. And that can be kind of tricky because this isn't to say that all of your emotional problems need to go away before you do the trauma work. That would be absolutely ridiculous. But what this really means is that it's very hard to do deep trauma work if you are battling with an addiction that is hindering your ability to function in life. It's very hard to do the trauma work if you are struggling with an eating disorder. If you are malnourished, or if you are binge eating, or purging to the point where it's consuming your life, you're not going to have space to do the trauma work. If you are self-harming, it's going to be really hard to do the trauma work because ... In a sense of safety, but it's more of an emotional sense of safety. Alyssa Scolari [16:09]: It will be really hard to keep yourself safe if you are harming yourself or you are sick with an eating disorder. We can't expect that you're then going to walk into a therapist's office while you're sick with, let's say, an eating disorder and then start talking about your deepest traumatic memories. Or start processing all the emotions that have come up through your childhood trauma. It just wouldn't be safe because so many of our addictions and our self-harm strategies, including eating disorders are designed to sort of keep that trauma suppressed. So what tends to happen if we are trying to work through trauma before getting any kind of grip on self-harm, suicidality, eating disorders, addiction is that we talk about our trauma and then that causes our self-harm or our eating disorders to increase. And we tend to turn to these things even more because don't have the proper tools that we need to learn what to do with the feelings that come up when we're doing the trauma work. Alyssa Scolari [17:21]: So again, it's not realistic to expect that if you're struggling with an eating disorder, or if you struggle with self-harm, it's not realistic to expect that you are never going to have urges to self-harm. No, there were plenty of times that I had urges to self-harm and times where I even did self-harm throughout my trauma recovery. But I do know that there was a time in my therapy process where I was pushed very inappropriately so to dive into memories that I should not have been diving into because A, you really don't need to rehash the details of your trauma in order to heal. And that's a topic for another episode. But B, I was not safe enough. I was self-harming a lot. And I was essentially persuaded or coerced into going through the intimate details of many of my traumatic memories during this time. And it landed me in the hospital ultimately. Alyssa Scolari [18:44]: It was horrible and I became worse and worse and worse. And I realize now how damaging that was for me, because I didn't have the tools to be able to take good care of myself. What I needed was help on the self-harm first. And once I got help with that, and once I stopped doing that, I was able to then go back and work through a lot of my old trauma in a much safer setting. Again, that is not to say that the urges to self-harm didn't come up. Same thing with my eating disorder. I really needed to take care of my eating disorder, which I did. I, first was in treatment for an eating disorder before I knew anything about trauma. So I was taking care of that and I continued to take care of that even once I knew I had trauma. Alyssa Scolari [19:43]: That way, while I was working through the trauma, I didn't dive right back into my eating disorder to the point where I got so sick that it nearly killed me. Of course there were times where I would have a really rough day at therapy and I would binge, and it was a learning experience. But it wasn't something that was happening all the time. And my symptoms continued to improve instead of worsen. Let's say that you get your eating disorder under control or the self-harm under control, and you start the trauma therapy process. And then all of a sudden, you find yourself right back into your eating disorder in the same severity as before, or maybe even worse. That might be a sign that you might not be ready to address this part of your recovery, or maybe this specific memory, or maybe you just need a little bit more work in terms of your eating disorder. Alyssa Scolari [20:46]: I can't say for sure, obviously. I'm not you. But I am just trying to give examples of the different ways in which safety, both physical and emotional, can be really important in this role. I make sure to ask all of my clients about their safety habits. I make sure before we do any kind of trauma processing that I know that they have a sense of safety, both physical and emotional. I would never, in a million years ask somebody who has come to me, who has been self-harming to relive traumatic memories. It would be a horrible thing to do, and it was done to me, and it is a horrible, horrible feeling. Alyssa Scolari [21:38]: So I hope that this is helpful because a lot of you really have asked me a lot about this. And I also just want to say that when it comes to treatment, one size doesn't fit all. Some people can do both. Some people certainly can. I think it's rarer, but I'm a never say never kind of woman. So I do think that perhaps it can be done, but I also think that I have talked with so many people who have tried to do the trauma work, but then have said things like it was just too bad and I almost lost my life. And I tried to commit suicide or complete suicide, I should say. Just as a little FYI and the reason I'm not taking this out in editing is because I think that language is really important when we talk about suicide. And when we use the word commit, it makes it sound like people did something horrible, like they committed a crime. But when we say complete suicide, I think it takes a lot of the stigma away from it. So that's why I corrected myself there. Alyssa Scolari [22:47]: So anyway, I've had people say, "I tried to complete suicide when I started to go through the trauma work." And I think one of the first questions that I always ask people when they tell me that is like, well, tell me about your environment. Tell me about your sense of safety. Are you doing okay? Are you well fed? Are you well nourished? Are you living in a safe home? Do you have good shelter? Do you have people in your life who you can talk to? Who can support you? Who are safe people that you can trust? Do you have some sort of financial stability? Are you struggling with an eating disorder, with self-harm, with addiction? Because these are all things that need to be worked on in order for the safety to be there in trauma work. Alyssa Scolari [23:40]: And sometimes this is why people go up to... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/22434059

Episode 85: The Five (5) Core Wounds, Part 2 with Alyssa Scolari, LPC 03/08/2022

Episode 85: The Five (5) Core Wounds, Part 2 with Alyssa Scolari, LPC Childhood trauma comes in a variety of different forms – no two trauma survivors have identical histories. However, what all trauma survivors have in common are experiences with the five core wounds that have led to depression, anxiety, PTSD, and other mental health disorders. In this episode Alyssa talks about the last two (2) core wounds and how they manifest in adulthood (to hear about the first three (3) core wounds, please listen to episode 84). Alyssa also discusses how we can begin to heal from our core wounds. **Every donation to Patreon for the month of March will go to Doctors Without Borders to help support those injured in Ukraine. Alyssa will personally match your donation. See the podcast Patreon and learn more about Doctors Without Borders below!** Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: Transcript Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hi, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I'm your host, Alyssa Scolari. And welcome back to part two of the two part series that we are doing on the five core wounds. This episode was a huge hit. I loved it, and you all loved it too. We actually broke our record on the podcast, which is really exciting. So thank you so much. I'm really happy to be doing part two. I hope everybody's having a good week. I'm having an okay week. I think personally, I'm doing well, but I don't know. I feel very, very heavy this week emotionally. I think everything that's going on in Ukraine is just really weighing on my soul. And I've been feeling pretty isolated as a therapist. There's been so much going on and I people that are being so affected by it, my clients included, and it just feels it's just very upsetting. Alyssa Scolari [01:31]: I don't know what's in the air, but there's been lots of crises and just really difficult moments and just bouts of injustice after are injustice, and it's hard to wrap my brain around. So I'm feeling rather heavy this week, and I'm just trying to work through those feelings. And I think the other issue that's been coming up for me a lot is feeling helpless. I feel very effective as a therapist for the most part. I have my moments, of course, but I'm feeling pretty helpless when it comes to everything that's happening in Ukraine. And I don't know what to do. So I've been really trying to rack my brain on what I can do to help, if anything, because it's very, very hard for me to sit here while other people are being so traumatized and just not do anything about it. So I actually think, what I'm going to do for the month of March is, if you become a patron on the Light After Trauma Patreon, whatever donation you make for the month of March is going to go directly to the efforts to help Ukraine. Alyssa Scolari [02:52]: And specifically, I am going to donate, or we are going to donate, to Doctors Without Borders. And Doctors Without Borders is this organization that works in conflict zones and they are partnering with Ukraine. They're helping people travel to healthcare facilities. They are making sure that people have access to healthcare and medicine. So whatever you donate, the LinkedIn of the Patreon is in the show notes, so just go right into the show notes. And I'm also going to include the link for the Doctors Without Borders so you can check it out a little bit more if you want. But, go onto the Patreon, and whatever you are able to donate would be great. And whatever you donate, I personally am going to match. So if you donate $5, I'm going to donate $5. If you donate 50 cents, I'm going to donate 50 cents. So I feel like this is a really great way for us to just join in together as a family and help when we are otherwise feeling pretty helpless. Alyssa Scolari [03:55]: Now with that being said, if you are not able to give, that is totally fine. But if you are, hey, go right ahead. I feel like that would be a great way to contribute, a great way for us to help. And I will, of course, after the month of March announce how much we have donated to Doctors Without Borders. So again, head over to the link in the show notes, and you will find everything that you need there. And with that being said, let's launch into part two today, which I'm pretty excited for. So if you haven't listened to last week's episode, you might want to go back and do that, because in that episode, we talk about the first three of the five core wounds, but we also talk about what the five core wounds are. Alyssa Scolari [04:46]: As a little recap, basically what the five core wounds are, childhood injuries, injuries to our soul, injuries to our brain. Every trauma survivor has a uniquely different story. No two trauma survivors have the same story, but all of our stories fall within the realm of these five core wounds. And last week, we talked about the first three being abandonment and rejection and betrayal. And we talked about what they are, how they can come about in childhood, and then what they manifest into in adulthood. This week, we are talking about the final two, which are humiliation and injustice. Now, we will start with humiliation. Now, humiliation, this can be felt as early as one to three years of age. And humiliation is [inaudible 00:05:50] exactly as it sounds, right? It is something that causes us to feel like we are bad. It's that feeling of wanting to crawl under a rock and die. It's belittling. And it comes out in a variety of different ways. Alyssa Scolari [06:04]: There are different types of humiliation. There's, I guess you could say indirect and direct humiliation. Maybe the phrase is... And I'm making this up. This isn't coming from anywhere, but I feel like it might be more accurate to say there's aggressive forms of humiliation, and then more passive aggressive forms of humiliation. So let me give you some examples, right? So children who are humiliated are basically being told that they are bad if they do a certain thing, look a certain way, right? So if you get a C on your test at school and your parent says, "I didn't raise no dumbass," or "What are you? A moron. You got to C on a test in the third grade?" That is humiliation. You are calling your child a horrible thing, and then your child is then internalizing that and feeling as though there is something wrong with them. "I am stupid. I am a dumbass. I am a moron." Now, school is just one of the many ways that humiliation can take shape, right? Alyssa Scolari [07:30]: A lot of humiliation also comes with potty training. If you wet the bed, if you miss the toilet, if you don't do something right when it comes to your potty training, sometimes parents or caregivers or adults may scream, may scream at you, may call you names, and this can be very humiliating. It's not so much the screaming that does it, although of course the screaming can be very traumatizing too, but that kind of borders more on rejection, I would say, but it's typically what that parent is saying and their body language. They are so angry at you. They feel some kind of way about you, almost like they feel you are a failure and that you will never get this right. Lots of children tend to experience some of their first bouts of humiliation during the potty training process. And when I say lots of children, I probably should re-say that, because potty training is, some children, they never get humiliated. Most children don't, I would think, but there are quite a few children out there who have been humiliated through potty training. Alyssa Scolari [08:56]: So with humiliation rates, sometimes it can just be very aggressive and very direct. "You're a dumbass. You're stupid. Why are you even bothering playing basketball? You sucked the whole time." Humiliation can also look like the dad on the court. You're five years old and you're in your first basketball game or t-ball game or whatever, and your mom, dad, whoever is on the sideline screaming at you, because you're not fast enough, you're not strong enough, other people are better than you. And this happens. I'm sure so many of you can relate to this. Humiliation, for me, did not happen when it comes to playing sports, because honestly, I never stood a chance in sports, but it does happen, and it is very, very devastating. Alyssa Scolari [09:45]: And then there's more passive aggressive humiliation. And sometimes that comes in the form of people who think they're trying to help you or people who are teasing you. So let me give you a few examples. I'm going to give you some personal examples. People used a lot of passive aggressive humiliation with me with my weight, right? Nobody in my family ever screamed at me for being overweight or outright told me that I was fat and lazy and this, that, and all the other negative connotations that this fatphobic world has against children or adults who are overweight. But I was a pretty chunky child. I had a lot of meat on my bones. I look at pictures of me now and I'm like, "Oh my God, I was adorable. I can't believe people called me fat as a kid." Alyssa Scolari [10:48]: I was freaking so cute. I can't even stand it, but I digress. But basically, I have distinct memories of parties, family parties. A family member, and I'm going to try hard not to out anybody here, but a family member who is no longer... She's no longer alive. When I would go to reach for food at the table, she would take my hand and kind of pull my hand away from the food, not aggressively by any means. It was kind of in a loving manner. And she would go, "Oh, don't be a little świnia. Now, for those of you who are not Polish and don't know what świnia means, it means pig. So I was a little girl going to get some food and I would be told, "Oh, don't be a little piggy." And the way it was said was almost like it came off in an endearing term, right? Alyssa Scolari [11:45]: It's like, "Oh, I love you and I care about you, and I don't want you to be a little świnia," but the impact was... I was freaking humiliated, because it was said in front of everybody else who was at the table, and it was horrifying. As another example, I remember this was maybe 10 years ago. I was at a bridal shower, and I was in the throws. Was it? It was maybe a little... Eh, it was about 10 years ago, maybe a little less. I was in the throws of my anorexia. I was a very, very low weight, a weight that I think for the people in my family thought was great. People were praising me all the time, but I was probably the sickest I've ever been in my life. And there was a bridal shower that I was at. And I was there, I was wearing this dress, everybody was complimenting me, telling me that I looked so beautiful, that they were so proud of me because I had lost all this weight. Oh, it makes my blood boil just thinking about it. Alyssa Scolari [12:55]: But basically what happened is, the dessert came out and I got up to go get a piece of cake. Now, I walked all the way across this room that we were in, and this room was massive, and I grabbed a plate with a piece of cake on it. And as I went to grab the cake, I heard this person from across the room, a family member, yell at me and she went, "You better drop that cake on the table because you don't want to gain back all that weight you lost." And everybody heard, and I was mortified. Again. I was a little bit older, but it opened up that already core wound that I had of humiliation. And she thought she was helping me. She didn't mean it in a mean way. She wasn't being aggressive. I mean, she was screaming, because hey, we're Italian, and that's what we do, we scream. But she thought that she was doing a great thing. She was like, "You got to keep that weight off. You're doing so great." Humiliated. I cannot even begin to tell you. I will never ever forget it. It was horrifying. Alyssa Scolari [14:12]: But also as a kid, I got made fun of not just for my weight, and made fun of/humiliated not just for my weight, but for the way I looked in other ways. Even something that might be as seemingly innocent as... I looked very different from the rest of my family. I'm very fair skinned, whereas a lot of the family members that I grew up with are really, really dark skin, dark hair. I'm really, really fair. So I used to be told all the time that the milk man dropped me off. And I was little. And my older cousins and stuff, they would say this to me, and I would sob and be so embarrassed and humiliated because they would then go on to be like, "Oh yeah, you don't really belong with this family. You weren't wanted, so just the milkman dropped you off." And I was little. I believed that, and it was horrible for me. Alyssa Scolari [15:10]: And then also, because I was so fair, again, I was with a bunch of family members who had very, very dark complexions, and then there's me over here. And they would say, even just at the dinner table, somebody would look over at me and be like, "Hey, where are your eyebrows? I can't even see your eyebrows. Do you even have them? Do you think they'll even grow in? Do you think you'll get them?" It was kind of in just a light teasing sort of way, but why? Why? Because to this day, I am extremely self conscious about my eyebrows. And when I look in the mirror, I wonder if anybody else can even see my eyebrows. It has become such a part of my body dysmorphia. Alyssa Scolari [16:01]: Now, of course, if my family, the people who said these things to me were to listen to this, they'd be like, "Oh my God, you're so sensitive. You're making such a big deal out of it." And that would be gaslighting, right? Because that's the thing, people who use humiliation as a form of relating or communication, especially adults to children, they're always like, "Oh, it was just a joke. What a sensitive kid. She can't take a joke. He can't take a joke. They can't take a joke." But that's not at all the case, right? If you have some of these similar experiences, this is humiliation, right? This is a core wound, and it is devastating. I have so much experience with this. I could honestly go all hunt all day. I will spare you, but parents and adults foster just this horrible fear in children that they are forever going to be criticized and that they will forever have disapproval and that they aren't good enough. Alyssa Scolari [17:10]: And when we become adults and we have this core wound of humiliation, it can go really one of two ways. Some people who have a core wound of humiliation end up being narcissists. They end up having a lot of narcissistic traits, and they can also be people who then go on to humiliate others. On the other hand, you can have people who become extremely dependent when they get older, people who feel like they constantly need the approval of others. This is something that I struggle with. Even in my profession, it took me a long time to be able to make decisions in my job and not feel like I immediately needed to call my supervisor right away and ask if I did the right thing. I was sort of dependent on the opinions of others and the approval of others to be able to function. I don't do that anymore, but I had to work so hard on knowing that I am okay as I am and that I don't need the approval of others. Alyssa Scolari [18:29]: If I would go out and I didn't have at least one person tell me that I was cute or looked great, I would feel humiliated. I would come home and I would dive right back into my eating disorder and feel like, "Oh my gosh, everybody hated me. They must have thought I looked ugly, X, Y, Z." Again, I had a ton of internalized fatphobia back then. I was extremely unwell. I'm being honest about how I was. I've worked on these things, so I don't do that anymore, but that is another way in which humiliation can show up in adulthood. So that is a heavy one, so take a deep breath if you need it, as we transition into this last one. Alyssa Scolari [19:16]: Now this last one is the fear of injustice. And this one is probably one of the lesser talked about of the five core wounds. This one isn't quite a self explanatory as the others, and it's a little deceiving based off of the name. But basically, injustice is when during your childhood, you had excessive demands that were pushed onto you by your caregiver, parent, guardian, whoever. So for example, let's say that you're the oldest and you have two younger siblings. And you're eight years old, seven years old, and you are being forced by your caregiver, your parent to take care of your younger siblings, right? Mom, dad, whoever goes to work all day and you're left at home, at eight years old, to change diapers, feed, play with your siblings, take care of them when you're truly just a child yourself, right? Alyssa Scolari [20:21]: And your parents aren't necessarily really understanding, and they're just like, "You got to do this. This is part of what being the older sibling is." It's excessive amounts of responsibility, too much responsibility with very little compassion and awareness and acknowledgement from the parent, meaning your parents or caregivers are very authoritarian and ice colds. They are very much not about your feelings. They don't really care about you getting your emotional needs met. They put a lot of pressure on you, even to meet your own physical needs and the physical needs of your siblings or whoever else is in the home, or maybe you grew up in a house where your dad was an alcoholic and he was unable to function or provide for the family and your mom made you go to work early, go to work illegally, right? When early, I mean, go to work when you're young, right? Alyssa Scolari [21:25]: Go to work, make money, support the family. Maybe you were also mom's emotional spouse, where instead of confiding in your father about her emotions, she would then turn to you because your father isn't available. Things like that create this core wound of injustice, and it causes a lot of mistrust in the world around you. It also causes this hyper-dependency, but also at the same time, core feelings of ineffectiveness and uselessness. Honestly, because when you are having such excessive demands as a child, you begin to feel like you're never good enough, because truthfully, you are not developed enough to even try to meet the demands of your caregivers. I hope that is making sense. For example, if you're in the fourth grade and you're eight years old, how are you supposed to be expected to take care of yourself, show up at school, be fully rested, and then also come home and take care of your two younger siblings, right? Alyssa Scolari [22:38]: So then let's say you go to school and you're falling asleep at school all the time and your teacher sends home a note to your parent that you're falling asleep in school and your parents screams at you and tells you that you need to get it together and that you shouldn't be falling asleep in school instead of taking a moment to reflect, "Well, why is my child falling asleep in school? What do I think I could do as a parent to support my child?" The blame is pushed onto you, and you alone as the kid. It would be completely possible to expect that you would have all these demands on you at home, and then be able to function in school, but your parent doesn't see that. Your parent expects that out of you anyway. So then all your life, you are expecting the impossible from yourself. And because nobody's perfect, we can never live up to that expectation. Therefore, as much as we need independence and perfectionism, we still feel at our core that we will never be good enough and that everything we do isn't effective and that we ultimately are useless. Alyssa Scolari [23:47]: So, that was a lot. I hope that is making sense, but basically, as you become an adult, those feelings sort of stay the same. Adults tend... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/22355921

Episode 84: The Five (5) Core Wounds, Part 1 with Alyssa Scolari, LPC 03/01/2022

Episode 84: The Five (5) Core Wounds, Part 1 with Alyssa Scolari, LPC Childhood trauma comes in a variety of different forms – no two trauma survivors have identical histories. What we do have in common, however, are experiences with the five core wounds that have led to depression, anxiety, PTSD, and other mental health disorders. In this episode Alyssa talks about the first three (3) core wounds and how they manifest in adulthood. Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: Transcript Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hi, beautiful people, welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma Podcast. As you know, I'm your host, Alyssa Scolari and we are talking about the five core wounds today. Now, before we dive in, I just want to take a minute to thank everybody for all of the feedback from my last episode, where I talked about how I've been healing post operation from my endometriosis surgery, and what that has brought up for me trauma wise, thank you for all of the love and the support, I really appreciate it. I continue to feel better every day. This week has been a little bit of a rough one. My husband's step grandmother passed away and it's just been really, really sad. And his grandfather who we love dearly has been really devastated. So they live about like three hours away from us. So we really just dropped everything and went up there when we found out that she was getting ready to pass and the services happened and the funeral services, and it's been a lot. Alyssa Scolari [01:39]: His wife was, she was sick and we kind of were expecting this, but it really just doesn't make it easier. Death is just so, so hard. So there's been just a lot of grief and a lot of heavy feelings, but hey, overall, honestly, I cannot complain in terms of my recovery. I am just doing my best and I really just wanted to say thank you so much for all of the support. Alyssa Scolari [02:10]: So today I thought that I would talk about something that I find really fascinating, which is this idea of the five core wounds. And what does that mean? So I'm not sure if you've heard of it or not. Truthfully, I was aware of all these wounds, but I've never really had them like packaged together as like the five core wounds until very recently in the research that I was doing. And I was like, oh man, I really need to talk about this on the podcast. So this is going to be a two part episode because while it's just five wounds, there's kind of a lot to them. And I feel like it's really heavy and I, of course, want everybody to learn, but it's just a lot of information to take in. So I'm going to be splitting it up. I'm going to do the first three today and then next week I will do the last two and then we'll talk about ways to heal from those core wounds. Alyssa Scolari [03:18]: So I guess the first question is what is a core wound? And that is basically a, it's damage that's been done, right? Mental health damage, so to speak, reparable damage, of course, but damage, nonetheless, that has been done in childhood. These are things that happen in childhood that ultimately can lead to a diagnosis or the development of complex PTSD. And we've talked about CPTSD a lot, and how it is really stems from things that have happened in childhood. And those things happen to be the five core wounds, right? Alyssa Scolari [04:09]: So things can happen, all different types of events, right? Maybe you experience a wound from sexual abuse while somebody else experiences a wound from a traumatic death in the family, right? So we can experience these wounds in all different ways, but at the end of the day, it is these basic five wounds that can contribute to depression, anxiety, PTSD, and things like that that can harm your relationships with yourself and others and just get in the way of you living your best life. Alyssa Scolari [04:46]: So really what I see talked about the most is abandonment. Abandonment is number one. And I'm sure at this point, you hear that and you're probably like, "Ugh, I'm so over the word abandonment, it's like been there, done that, heard about it." And I get that. I think that abandonment is just really, I wouldn't say overused, I would say misused, because I think that a lot of people label things as abandonment when it might not be abandonment, it might be one of the other core wounds. But abandonment is the one that everybody knows the most. Alyssa Scolari [05:27]: Now with that being said, if abandonment is what feels true to you personally, then of course, that's your truth and who am I to say otherwise? But I just think in general, I've definitely seen it get misused. Like there's another kind of wound that fits better. And I just think abandonment is what we default to. So I also should point out that these core wounds, we can experience all of them. To be perfectly honest, I was going through this list and I've been doing a lot of research on these core wounds to prepare for this episode. And I was like, oh crap, I am pretty sure I've experienced all of these. Alyssa Scolari [06:18]: And this episode again, I really want to point out, isn't a place to blame on anybody in my life. I never... Listen, there are some people in my life who I absolutely will put blame on. Absolutely. I have certain people who I will not speak to anymore and that is my boundary and I hold them accountable for the things that they do. But I know that I share a lot of myself on here and sometimes I worry that I come across as like maybe blaming other people. I don't know. I have really been thinking about this a lot lately. And so I know in my last couple episodes, I've really been intentional about saying that this isn't a blame game, right. Because I know not just myself, I have family members out there that have been good to me and have really done right by me and if we haven't always met eye to eye in the past or seen eye to eye in the past, we've come a long way and we're good now. Alyssa Scolari [07:22]: So I never want to seem like I'm slandering anybody, but I also never wanted to seem like I'm faulting you as the listeners, because I know that you are parents, you are trauma survivors, you are caretaker. So I never wanted to see him like I'm blaming, right? This is educational. And I just wanted to put that out there. Alyssa Scolari [07:48]: So abandonment is exactly as it seems, right. It is the fear that people are going to leave. Well, it's not so much the fear that people are going to leave, it is the act of people leaving you. Now, this is a little bit more complex than it seems, right? Because it's not just, oh, my mom and dad got into the car one day and left and I was upset. They abandoned me and now I have this core wound. I wish it was as simple as that, but it is not. Alyssa Scolari [08:21]: Abandonment comes in many forms. It can look like a parent and keep in mind, I'm saying parent right now, but I also mean like primary caretakers as well. So it could be that a parent or a caretaker wasn't there time after time to help you when you needed emotional help. It could be that nobody was there to teach you how to do certain things, meet certain milestones in your life, right? Ride your bike, learn how to use a knife a fork, and a spoon when you're eating at the table. Helping you potty train. Alyssa Scolari [09:02]: Abandonment is about people showing up for you to help you get your needs met in terms of like the milestones, right? When we look at developmental psychology, kids have milestones that they meet. They are potty trained and they learn how to use utensils and they learn how to talk. And then they learn how to communicate. And then they learn how to pick up on body language. It's like kids meet these milestones but what helps kids to meet these milestones is the adults in their lives who are helping them, who are pointing them in that direction. And it is really harmful when we as kids are having to do it alone and figure these things out for ourselves, when we look at adoption trauma. Alyssa Scolari [09:57]: And this is not something I've touched on, but I do work with many kids and adults who are adopted. And if we're talking about adoption trauma, a lot of times kids will come from orphanages, where in the first year or two of their lives, they weren't held, they weren't coddled, they weren't nurtured. And then they grow up with this chronic and constant fear that nobody in their lives is ever going to stay. That nobody's ever going to love them enough to stay and not leave. Alyssa Scolari [10:36]: So it's not necessarily like a one off incident, right? Like I mentioned the whole bike riding thing. If your mom or dad or caretaker aren't around to help you learn how to ride your bike and you had to teach yourself, that necessarily isn't going to trigger a core wound, right? That's not really going to create the wound. What kind of creates this wound of abandonment is when it becomes a pattern, when it becomes habitual, right? That it's like, I was never held when I was little. Alyssa Scolari [11:12]: And we know that babies will die at times when they are not given the nurturing that they need. We know how important that is, but it's a pattern of behavior, right? I wasn't held when I was little, I wasn't nurtured. And then it took me... Nobody ever helped potty train me and nobody ever helped teach me how to feed myself, how to use kitchen utensils. Nobody ever helped teach me how to do homework. I never learned how to clean. I had to figure all these things out for myself. That can be where the abandonment comes up sometimes because there are other examples of abandonment too. Alyssa Scolari [11:55]: For example, abandonment can also look like a parent just walking out of your life. There are so many people out there who had a parent who just up and left or a parent who was never involved. That is abandonment because you know what, if you're a parent and you get up and you walk away and you walk out of your kid's life, well guess what? You're not going to be there to help them through any of those milestones that they needed you for. So that is abandonment in itself. Alyssa Scolari [12:28]: Abandonment also can look like somebody passing away and it can get a little more complex there because I think that a lot of people think like, but it's not abandonment, that person died. And a lot of people actually have a lot of guilt and shame about feeling abandoned when a loved one passes away. So it's not talked about as much, but honestly, underneath those surfaces, part of grief is also like working through those feelings of abandonment. If a parent has died, doesn't matter if they were there to teach you all through many of your milestones, but if you're a child and a parent dies, you could absolutely be wounded in an abandonment sense. There are other examples of abandonment. Of course, I could go on all day, but I think you get the general idea. Alyssa Scolari [13:29]: Now, people who have been abandoned in some way, shape or form, really develop this intense fear of loneliness. They hate being alone. But the kicker is loneliness is something that they're used to. That's what they're familiar with. So they are terrified of being left, but in the same sense, they also can push people away and can take action subconsciously to cause somebody to end up leaving, which then makes them feel abandoned again, thus reliving the cycle, repeating the cycle and reliving the abandonment in childhood. So it's very, very difficult but the core fear here is loneliness. And that fear has developed because as a child, you were used to doing everything by yourself anyway, you had to figure it out alone anyway. Alyssa Scolari [14:32]: So as an adult, when people come into your life, you are terrified that they are going to leave, or sometimes, you might want them to leave so that you don't have to even deal with the fear, right? What does this look like in adulthood? So this can look like the person who's been fiercely independent, who never dates, never gets into relationships. And it's just like, I don't need anybody. I don't want anybody, not always, some people are very happy on their own and that's completely fine. But sometimes that can look like a person who has a chronic fear of abandonment. Alyssa Scolari [15:11]: In adulthood, abandonment can also look like somebody who has a really insecure attachment. So maybe they get into a relationship or they develop a friendship, but they're always like, "Are you going to leave me? Are you going to leave me?" Or they're always like very, very anxious, right? Like, "What are you thinking? Are you mad at me? Are you going to do something? Are we breaking up? Do you still want to be my friend? Do you think I'm a good person?" They are seeking constant validation and reassurance. And even if you, as the partner on the other end, give them that validation and reassurance, it still likely isn't going to be enough. Alyssa Scolari [15:51]: So abandonment really affects relationships with other people. Most often romantic relationships, but also friendships too. Abandonment is a huge core wound. And I absolutely feel this one. It's funny because I actually, I am really, I've been debating whether or not I want to share the ways in which my core wound of abandonment has shown up. And I don't really think I feel quite ready to do that right now, but suffice it to say that I definitely feel this. And it has shown up in my adulthood pretty much exactly the way that I just described. I struggled so much and still do with an insecure attachment. I'm so much better now because I've had so much therapy and I've worked on it so much, but I just had this fear of people leaving me. Alyssa Scolari [17:05]: I mean, to the point where like, even in high school, when I would get close with teachers, I would be really sad. In high school, I had teachers who were cool, I would hang out with, like I would hang out after school. I was involved in lots of different things at school. So I just developed relationships with my teachers, appropriate professional relationships, right. Not professional, but appropriate student teacher relationships. And we'd hang out and we'd chit chat and I'd talk about my life. Alyssa Scolari [17:33]: And even at the end of the school year, I was sad because I felt like these teachers were leaving me. Now, of course, they weren't and that was just part of life. But it was a result of my core wound. And then, of course, even today I still struggle. I still struggle with feeling like, if my husband and I get into an argument, or we're not seeing eye to eye on things, I'm sort of like, oh my gosh, this is the end of our marriage. It's over. He's going to leave me. He's not going to want me. I really do struggle with all of those thoughts coming back to the surface despite the fact that it's very normal to argue and we get through all of our arguments and we're fine. Alyssa Scolari [18:22]: My brain loves to tell me otherwise, my brain loves to be like, huh, he looked at you kind of weird today. He's probably thinking about how he's going to abandon us tonight. Really that's literally what my brain does. And we laugh about it when it comes up for me, I'll say it to my husband and then we kind of like call it what it is. And we make a joke about it and we laugh about it. But the truth of the matter is that that abandonment doesn't have as much of a hold on my life anymore because I've worked through it. But honestly, when you're in it, it is the worst feeling in the world. And I know so many of you can relate. Alyssa Scolari [19:05]: Now, the next one is fear of rejection. And this one is also a really hard one for me. Now, fear of rejection, it's pretty self explanatory. That's exactly what it sounds like. It's the fear of being rejected. And this can happen really from the moment of conception and being born. This can manifest if, as a mom, if you are struggling really bad with postpartum depression or you're really, really sick after giving birth and you can't hold your baby, rejection can manifest in that way. Alyssa Scolari [19:43]: Again, babies need a lot of nurturing. And if their moms are there, it's a little bit different than abandonment, because it's like, I haven't been left, I see my parents are here, but I'm not getting what I need, right. That's how it kind of looks like early on, early infancy type. But then as you get older, right, rejection can also look like parents who are not accepting of who you are. We see this so much in children who show early signs of, I don't even want to say signs, I guess I should say children who try to play with toys or try to do things that don't fit within their gender norm. So if a child is born and that their sex is male and they're four, five, six years old, and they're playing Barbie dolls. Barbie dolls is a traditionally feminine, again, screw gender norms, because I don't believe in any of that, but it's a traditionally feminine toy. Barbie dolls are. Alyssa Scolari [20:57]: So it can look like the parents that are like, "Get rid of those Barbie dolls. You're like a little sissy. You're going to look like a girl or boys who want to wear dresses." Or, girls who want to play with trucks, right? All these things are traditionally feminine, masculine, and God forbid, kids cross over. And girls like trucks and boys like dresses, heaven forbid. Again, I don't agree with this, but when parents are not accepting, that manifests rejection and rejection can look in adulthood, it can look like the person who suppresses so much of who they are. Alyssa Scolari [21:41]: Sometimes it can be somebody who suppresses themselves, but still hangs out with people and is very social, right? So this person, the person in your life who you see and you talk to, but you feel like you can never quite really get to know because they keep so much of who they really are hidden from the world, right. Or it can look like that person who never socializes, who really has withdrawn and has isolated themselves because they are so fearful of being rejected again. It also can look like somebody who has a really difficult time taking feedback and Lord, oh Lord, I am absolutely that person. Or should I say I was that person because I'm actually really good at taking feedback now. But I had a really hard time. Alyssa Scolari [22:40]: If you work in a company and you have like your performance evaluation, right? Some people have like performance evaluation and then get nervous. Of course, that's very natural. But the people who have core wounds of rejection will be absolutely beside themselves over something like a performance evaluation. And some of them will avoid it altogether and never go and never show up and then take whatever punishment they get from work because the punishment that they will get from not showing up is easier than the feelings that they would have if they were to attend that performance evaluation and get rejected in some way, shape or form. Alyssa Scolari [23:26]: And if you have a performance evaluation and it's out of five stars, you get four stars. And you have one, one mild to moderate area for improvement. So people who don't have this core wound, they look at that and they go, "Okay, I did really, really great. I did great. And I'm going to con continue to work on this one thing. And that's awesome." But the people who have this core wound of rejection, it is the end of the world. And I mean that very literally. If whenever I got rejected or perceived rejection, because the truth of the matter is... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/22275122

Episode 83: Trauma and Physical Illness: Lessons Learned from Endometriosis, Post-Op 02/22/2022

Episode 83: Trauma and Physical Illness: Lessons Learned from Endometriosis, Post-Op In episode 73, Alyssa shared about her ongoing battle with endometriosis, a chronic and extremely painful disease. This week Alyssa is following up with a part 2 to episode 73, in which she shares about her recovery process from surgery in January. Alyssa opens up about the lessons endometriosis has taught her about her own PTSD recovery as well as the scary truth about why trauma treatment is crucial when it comes to overall health and wellness. Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: Transcript Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I'm your host, Alyssa Scolari, back with an update on my surgery that I had January 27th. Alyssa Scolari [00:36]: So I was actually just looking back to see when I released my first episode where I was talking about my struggle with endometriosis, and it was December 14th, so I have not updated you all in over two months. My surgery was January 27th, and as I was listening back to the episode that I recorded on December, well that I recorded for everybody on December 14th, I was in such a dark, dark place, and obviously that is perfectly valid. I want to let you all know that I am not in such a dark place anymore. It has been a very long couple of months. Honestly, it's been a long probably seven or eight months because I started to get sick probably around eight months or so ago. So it's been a very long process, and the last few months, especially have been understandably extremely traumatic but I think I'm finally on the other side, which is so exciting. Alyssa Scolari [01:52]: I have learned so much about endometriosis these last couple months and really about myself and how related this is to, I think, trauma and my trauma recovery, and I'm really excited to share that with you all today. I learned even more about endometriosis in the last two months than I knew when I recorded that first episode for you all back in December so we're just going to get into a little bit of it today. I'm really happy that I'm finally having the energy and feeling well enough, both emotionally and physically, to be able to talk about it. Alyssa Scolari [02:30]: So, as I said, I had my surgery January 27th. And for those of you who might be new to this episode, as I touched on, I have been really sick with severe, severe pain. Period pain that is... Really, period pain doesn't even do it justice. I was throwing up, I was passing out, I was getting my period every two weeks. I was experiencing intense inflammation and bloating and chronic fatigue. I was tired all of the time but I couldn't sleep because I was in so much pain. It truly was the worst pain I've ever felt before in my life, and I have broken bones, I, and this is a little bit of a trigger warning for anybody who's squeamish, pause now or turn the volume down right now, but I know physical pain. I mean, I broke my wrist twice when I was eight years old. The second time I broke it, the bone literally came out of my skin. I have sliced half of my finger off in a mandolin slicer and just many other things. I know pain. And when I tell you that this was the absolute worst pain I have ever felt in my life I say that while also making sure you realize that I have an extremely high pain tolerance. Alyssa Scolari [03:52]: So the pain was only continuing to get worse and I think it took a very significant turn for the worse in October when I really started to have severe gastrointestinal issues, which also is a side effect or a symptom of endometriosis that nobody told me about, or I wasn't informed of I should say, or maybe I didn't quite come across in my research at that point. So I was going to GI doctors because I was nauseous all the time. I always felt like I was going to throw up. I couldn't really keep anything in. It was a mess. I was a mess. I had gotten to a point where I was just juicing and just consuming juice, fruits, and vegetables and chicken broth to get any kind of nutrients in. And during that time, I was just continuing to become more inflamed and more inflamed. And when I would get bloated, I genuinely looked like I was seven to eight months pregnant. It was unlike anything I've ever seen. Alyssa Scolari [04:59]: So these are just a few symptoms of endometriosis. I talk more about them, so feel free to go back and listen to that episode. But as you know, I was in an extremely dark place then. I couldn't work. I couldn't eat. I had no energy to do anything. I turned 30 years old in January 6th, and it was truly the most depressing birthday of my life because I felt like I was 99 years old and all I could do was cry. I had to really stop working, and it was just very, very scary. It was all I could do even to just keep up with the clients I was seeing and be able to record this podcast, honestly. Alyssa Scolari [05:42]: Again, I had had this surgeon, I know I talked about this in my other episode, but just to recap, I had this surgeon who told me that basically if the endometriosis had spread to my other organs, which is very possible because this disease is essentially these black lesions that grow into your organs, they don't just grow on top, they grow into your organs, and so it has to be scraped out of your organs. And I was told that if it had spread to my bladder or other parts of my body that I could potentially need another surgery, if not multiple other surgeries. And I was also told that if the endometriosis has caused a lot of scarring, which is also a big possibility, that I could potentially have fertility issues, which was extremely frightening to me because I think that one of the things I look forward to the most in life right now is being a mom. So it was extremely scary. A huge sense of foreboding was with us always. Alyssa Scolari [06:54]: And to make things even worse, after the holidays, there was a huge rise in the Omicron virus. So with so many people, everybody and their mother had COVID during the last few days of December and those first few weeks of January, and I had gotten wind that the hospital that I was supposed to have my surgery at actually canceled the first two weeks of surgeries in January and they were going to reassess after those two weeks in January and see if they needed to continue to cancel more surgeries. So I was panicking that my surgery was going to be canceled. I had met somebody who had endometriosis surgery and she was actually scheduled to have it in March of 2020, right when the pandemic really hit us and we went into lockdown, her surgery was canceled and she wasn't able to have surgery until June of that year. And I understand it might seem like a couple of months, but when you are in this amount of pain every single day, I am telling you it is unbearable. I have no idea how she did it but God bless her. God bless her. Alyssa Scolari [08:15]: So thankfully that was not the case. My surgery went on as planned and I was really excited. By the time January 27th got here, I really didn't have many fears, which is unnatural for me because I have horrible anxiety and I had to be on birth control, which made my anxiety so much worse. So I was actually just really excited for the surgery. Went in, of course it took forever, it's an all day thing. We had to report to the hospital by 11:00 AM and we didn't get out of there until I think 7:30 at night, and most of that was just prepping me for the surgery. You just sit in a bed with an IV in and then wait. Alyssa Scolari [09:01]: Now, thankfully I had the most incredible nurses and my IV team and the anesthesiologist. I met people there that felt like they were my soulmates. I honestly feel like I was destined to meet them. One of my nurses was actually, I discovered, one of my neighbors. So I really hope to see her. I mean, God bless nurses right now and how hard they have it. Nurses have every reason to be miserable and hate their job right now with the way they're being treated. But I just had the most pleasant people, despite the fact that I'm sure they have all been so traumatized over the last several years, so I am really grateful for that. I honestly could not have asked for a better experience. Alyssa Scolari [09:54]: I went into the surgery blindly because... Well, I actually thought, and I had said this in my last episode that I did on my battle with endometriosis, I had said that the only way to diagnose endometriosis really is through an exploratory laparoscopic surgery. I have now realized that that's actually not true. A lot of upcoming research and science is telling us that if we know what to look for we actually can spot endometriosis in a transvaginal ultrasound, which I think is really neat. I think a lot of this research is new and a lot of the science is very, very new, so that's not how things work with the surgeon that I had but come to find out it is actually possible. So it pays to, if you are somebody who thinks you might be struggling with endometriosis, definitely pays to do your research and see if maybe you are able to go and see somebody who knows how to diagnose endometriosis through an ultrasound. I don't think it's a 100% guarantee. I mean, I really don't know, honestly. I'm not an expertise in that area but I do know that it's possible. Alyssa Scolari [11:12]: So with me, I had no clue what to expect going in. And there was huge possibility it could have spread all over, and I was actually expecting that because my symptoms only continued to get worse and worse and worse. I was really expecting for it to be horrible with the level of pain I was in. Alyssa Scolari [11:33]: My surgery was an hour and a half, I believe she operated on me for and I mean, I just remember everybody being so nice to me and telling me that they were going to take great care of me and then I woke up. I woke up yelling because I was in so much pain when I woke up. But as soon as I woke up, I wasn't even able to open my eyes yet, I don't know if you've ever been... If you've ever been under anesthesia you'll understand this, but you become conscious before you can open your eyes. So I was conscious, I just couldn't open my eyes, and I remember feeling so much pain so I was just moaning and they were giving me pain meds, but what I thought instantly when I came into consciousness is, "Oh my gosh, I feel better." I was able to say that even just [inaudible 00:12:31] how much pain I was in from the four incisions that I had. I was like, "Oh wow. I already feel a difference." Alyssa Scolari [12:41]: I think I woke up from surgery around 5:30 and I am telling you by 7;30, when I left that hospital, I was so overcome with happy tears. Man, I'm going to cry again. I was so overcome with happy tears. I nearly skipped out of there. I cannot tell you how different I felt. It felt like somebody took away whatever version that was of me and put the real me back together because I had finally felt like myself for the first time in I really don't know how long. It was simply incredible. Alyssa Scolari [13:22]: Now of course, recovery has been tough. Really, really tough. I felt instantly better but I needed to recover. I needed to stay home. I needed to be slow. And being slow and intentional with my healing brought up so many emotions because it really was a invasion of my womb. She took six specimens out of me and, keep in mind, as I said earlier, this isn't just something where you scrape it off the top. Endometriosis grows inside so you have to dig it out. It's called excision surgery, so she had to dig in six different spots all over my organs. Alyssa Scolari [14:13]: Now, she took the pictures, which I think is really cool. She took pictures while she was doing surgery on me and she sent me home with those pictures, and I was also told that she might not even know if it's endometriosis. I might not know until my post-op appointment two weeks after my surgery. So I was like, "Oh great. I have to have the surgery and then I have to wait two weeks for answers." Luckily, she was able to tell me at the hospital that she was fairly certain that what she took from me was endometriosis, which was hugely relieving. And she sent me home with pictures and she said that the endometriosis had spread, so it did spread a little bit, however, she was able to remove it from all the parts of my body that she saw it in. That was really relieving because it was looking like I wasn't going to need a second surgery. Alyssa Scolari [15:12]: So really the goal now that I went home, I went home feeling better already, I went home having answers. I was of course in a ton of pain from the surgery, but the goal was to just heal and recover. And that first week of being home was really a, I think, life-altering week for me because it made me realize so much. Alyssa Scolari [15:39]: I understand that I've talked on this podcast before about how emotional trauma can manifest and often does manifest physically, but I don't think I realized how much of my trauma I was still storing in my womb. I've never, ever agreed so much with Bessel van der Kolk's, The Body Keeps the Score. If you haven't read his book and you're interested in learning more about how trauma is stored in the body, I highly recommend it. I knew this of course, and I believed it, but I never fully comprehended it until my first week postop when I was crying every day and I couldn't understand why but it was just this grief that was welling up in me. And I didn't want to be alone, and I wasn't alone. I mean, my husband was home. He was home, he was working from home, but I was even frustrated with him for working because I felt like I needed somebody to give me 110% of their attention. Alyssa Scolari [16:51]: When I first noticed I was feeling that way, I started to judge myself, "Alyssa, why are you being so needy? Grow up. You're an adult. You have to take care of yourself." But then I started to process that and I started to let go of all of those judgements and I started to really understand what was happening for me and I realized that I was grieving heavily. I was grieving the abuse I endured. I was grieving the things in my life that I missed out on as a result of the abuse. I was grieving the last several years and things that have happened with... Well, honestly, I'll get more into it another time. But I know that I've mentioned that I had had a therapist who really did a lot of harm to me and I think that I was grieving that and it all just hit me. Everything that I was storing came to light and I was just feeling and feeling and feeling, so I laid in bed for a week. Alyssa Scolari [18:10]: Yeah, I was recovering from surgery but I was also extremely depressed. And I just let myself be depressed because I am such a chronic over-functioner. No matter how I feel, I still function at a 10 out of 10 even on my worst days. And that, my friends, is really unhealthy. So I let myself fall apart and I let myself not answer text messages and I let myself not look at my phone and I just let it wash over me. It was one of the hardest weeks of my life. I don't know that anybody could really ever understand how hard it was. Alyssa Scolari [19:00]: Before I went into surgery, my friend, Jen, Jennifer Burns, who was on the show, she was on the podcast, we did an episode about healing crystals, she gave me this advice that when you go into surgery, "I want you to imagine them taking your abuse out, taking it all out," and I did that. I imagined that. I brought my crystals into the hospital with me and was just holding them in my bed and was meditating and was imagining that when they were taking out this endometriosis, they were also taking out the abuse. And I think that the weight of that really hit me. Alyssa Scolari [19:43]: So I had a lot of time to process and a lot of time to think, and I know that in the very early episodes of this podcast I talked about childhood trauma and complex trauma, and how, if it goes untreated, it can lead to disease and it can lead to chronic illnesses and autoimmune issues. If you want to read more about that, please go to acestoohigh.com. It is really, really fascinating to learn about the long term effects that trauma can have. And I thought to myself, "I don't understand, I've been in treatment, I've been working on this. Why is this happening?" And it all clicked for me that while I have been able to intellectually talk about what I've been through, with everything going on, with having a very upsetting and traumatic experience with a therapist, and with moving and starting my business and my podcast, I really haven't had a whole lot of time to feel. I know what I've been through, I'm aware of it and I can talk about it, but I don't really feel it when I do talk about it. I've managed to dissociate a little bit, I've disconnected and I stored all of those feelings. So I understood why I got so sick this past year. I really understood it. It clicked for me. Alyssa Scolari [21:29]: Now, I'm going to say this, I'm no doctor, I'm no specialist in autoimmune diseases or endometriosis, but here's what I know, I know that endometriosis is being considered for autoimmune, an autoimmune disease, in the autoimmune spectrum, and what we do know... I had said in my other episode that I did that endometriosis is caused by an estrogen dominance and I've learned that that might be true, but not necessarily. At the end of the day, we really don't know what causes endometriosis. One in 10 people with female reproductive organs suffer from endometriosis, and that's probably an understatement because women are so gas lit and told that their pain isn't real so it's probably much more than that because it takes a person an average of seven years to even be diagnosed. Thank God I am stubborn and don't take no for an answer when it comes to my health and my goals and my dreams and I just kept going to doctor, after doctor, after doctor until somebody would listen to me, but not everybody can do that, unfortunately. So I would say it's even more than that. Alyssa Scolari [22:57]: So I would say a significant portion of women can suffer from this disease and we still don't know what causes it. There's still so much that is unknown. And over the last several months, I've taken a really big, deep dive into... I've always been interested in Eastern medicine and Eastern ways of healing, but I've taken a really deep dive into Chinese medicine, and I've learned a lot from Lily Choi. You could follow her on Instagram. I believe her handle is lilychoinaturalhealing. I highly recommend you give her a follow, she's incredible. And I have been taking some Chinese medicine and I've been really thinking about what could have caused this disease for me. Alyssa Scolari [23:48]: Now, again, there isn't a ton of research on the direct link between trauma and endometriosis, but that's because we really have neglected as a society how trauma can affect women long term, especially sexual trauma. It cannot be a coincidence. I can't believe that it can be a coincidence that I, with my history of abuse, just happened to have a disease in the same area that has held my abuse for 30 years or less than 30 years, whatever it may be. That can't be a coincidence. That doesn't strike me as a coincidence. Alyssa Scolari [24:38]: So while there isn't a ton of research out there and I am no doctor, for me, it makes so much sense that I have been holding onto my abuse and it has been really eating away at me and festering, stored in my womb. I... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/22209785

Episode 82: Toxic Positivity: "Good Vibes Only” Isn’t Good 02/15/2022

Episode 82: Toxic Positivity: "Good Vibes Only” Isn’t Good "Good vibes only!" "Keep a positive mindset." "Try to focus on the good." These can all be examples of a cultural phenomenon known as toxic positivity. Toxic positivity is the belief that we will feel better if we only allow space for good things and block out the bad. Sadly, this concept is extremely harmful. Tune in to learn about how toxic positivity shows up in our lives, why it is so harmful, and what we can do about it. Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: Transcript Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hello, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I am your host, Alyssa Scolari. Happy to be here as always. And today is, well, technically, if you're listening to this episode on the date that it airs, it is February 15th. But as I'm recording this, today's actually Sunday, February 13th, and this weekend has been weird. I live in Pennsylvania, so I don't know anybody who's on the East Coast area and the Northeast part of the United States or anywhere else in the world. I don't know if you've had similar weather, but this weekend has been kind of strange, like polar opposites. Yesterday is Saturday, it was, I think, over 60 degrees in this area, and it felt like spring. Alyssa Scolari [01:15]: My husband and I woke up and my husband was all pumped up and energetic. And he was like, "Oh, let's go to Lowe's and get some stuff to plant grass in March and," I don't know, "fertilizer." And I think there's stuff you have to put down before you plant grass. I don't know. This is not a podcast on planting grass, but it was like, "Let's go to Lowe's and let's get out." It was gorgeous, and so we went out and we did not go to Lowe's because we drove by the Garden Center and it was absolutely empty. We were like, "Ah, it might be a little too soon to start thinking about planting stuff outside for the spring." But we actually went to this what we thought was just a coffee roastery, coffee roast. I don't know. They make coffee for you to... not like a coffee shop, but coffee for you to grab and take home and have regularly with your Keurig or whatever it may be. Alyssa Scolari [02:20]: So we went there to try to go see what kind of coffee they have, and I am telling you, it was something out of Harry Potter. For all my Harry Potter fans out there, it was this little tiny shack on the outside, and when we walked in, it was massive, and it was nothing we would've expected. It had mazes and twists and turns, and it actually had... the halls were so narrow because it had so much stuff that you at one point had to even turn to your side and walk sideways just to move down the hallway and make sure that you didn't knock anything over. And of course, with my hips, I was hitting shit and whatever, but it was so much fun. And it didn't just have coffee, they had everything, they had every kind of tea you can imagine. Alyssa Scolari [03:19]: They had, I think, fancy gourmet, nuts, or chocolate covered nuts, or things that, every kind of gourmet chocolate you can imagine. They had chocolate-covered graham crackers, chocolate-covered Oreos, chocolate-covered marshmallows. And they had all different kinds of spices and PEZ dispensers. Does anybody remember PEZ dispensers? So much fun. They had Lion King PEZ dispensers and all different types. But it really was a blast from the past. There was candy there that I had not seen in, honestly, probably 20 years. It was so much fun. It was nothing like we expected. We totally got lost in there. We did end up getting some coffee and some candy. Anybody of you remember those, and I think they're actually still pretty popular, the Peach Rings, the gummis? We got the rings but watermelon-flavored, which I had actually never had before. Alyssa Scolari [04:25]: They're amazing. Amazing. We did that yesterday, and then we had a good day. I think we were both really looking forward to springtime and the warm weather. And then I woke up today and it was snowing, which is fine for me. I love the snow. I'm actually staring out the window as we speak watching the snow fall, and it is absolutely magical, but it's just polar opposites. Spring is around the corner, but mother nature is here to remind me and you that it is still winter, at least, in this part of the world. It's been a pretty good weekend. I'm still just over two weeks post-operation. I'm still recovering. I think there's been a lot of emotional things that are coming up for me. On Friday, I had my post-op appointment, so it was my first appointment with the surgeon since the surgery. She checked out my incisions, and she said that they look good. Alyssa Scolari [05:32]: And then we talked about some other stuff. Again, I'm still going to do an episode about what happened in the surgery and how I'm doing in plans afterwards, but I'm just giving myself some more time to heal. Still in some pain. It's just been very, very emotional. I knew that having surgery on my lower abdomen was going to be emotional. I knew that going into it, but I don't think I knew just how emotional. As somebody who has had repressed trauma, I've been dealing with a lot of memories that have been coming to the surface, things that I had never remembered before. And, it has felt, I think, very overwhelming and very frustrating because I had the surgery and I want to be so happy and I want to move on with my life, but my brain is kind of like, "Oh, hey, I think that it's time to remember this about your past and this about your past," and it's been quite the roller coaster. Alyssa Scolari [06:38]: So, I'm still giving myself a little bit of time. I'm thinking maybe next week I'll be able to do a part two to the endometriosis, like the first episode that I did, where I kind of talked more in-depth about what I'm going through. But, today, I want to talk about toxic positivity, which is always I think a really interesting topic. It's something that I think gets a fair amount of attention. Now, I do want to preface this conversation with saying this, and really all podcast episodes can assume to be prefaced with this. I have seen, over the last several weeks, on social media platforms, especially TikTok, I actually yesterday deleted TikTok from my phone. I didn't delete my TikTok account, but I deleted it from my phone because I need a break from TikTok. It is really wearing on my mental health. Alyssa Scolari [07:42]: And, even though I don't go on the For You page... If you're on TikTok, there's two options, right? You can go on the For You page where you can see new creators and lots of people that you don't follow but potentially could follow, and then there's the following page where you're just looking at the people that you follow. I am never on the For You page because I never want to risk something triggering come up because I just don't need that, right? I don't need TikTok to tell me what it thinks is best for me, so I'm never on the For You page. I'm always on the Following page, and the people I follow are typically pretty, pretty safe. But, honestly, it's still been way too much for me lately, so I deleted it off my phone yesterday. Alyssa Scolari [08:32]: One of the things that has really been bothering me, again, whether it's TikTok or Instagram, or even Facebook, is the amount of misinformation that gets spread about mental health. I mean, there's so much misinformation that gets spread about everything, but obviously me being in this field, the mental health information really bothers me the most because our profession already isn't taken seriously. As therapists, we are not taken nearly as seriously as other healthcare providers. We are rarely even considered healthcare providers, and we don't make as much as other healthcare providers. Whatever. I could go on and on. But, with the increased usage in social media, especially since the pandemic and since we were all in quarantine, there are so many people out there who are calling themselves coaches. Alyssa Scolari [09:34]: Again, it's nothing I against coaches. I've had plenty of coaches on my show, and it's been absolutely fine. But, so many people are just calling themselves coaches, and really they're not, or they are coaches, but they still don't have the proper training in mental health. And, because of that, they do a lot of people a disservice because what they are sharing with people, they are getting incorrect, or they're only sharing part of the truth, or they're not considering all aspects to a concept that they're sharing, and it can be really, really damaging. I think that people have really turned to the internet for self-help and for support, especially when it comes to mental health, and people are not getting a lot of the correct information. Now, please don't get me wrong. There are tons of creators out there who share incredible information, and it's extremely useful. Alyssa Scolari [10:41]: If you are following those people, please continue to do so, but I just encourage you to really look at who you are following and who you are absorbing content from and if they have the qualifications that they should have to be able to talk about what they're talking about. Just do a little research because I have found, especially even some of my clients, some of my new clients that have come in, they're like, "Well, for the last several years, I've been following so and so on TikTok, and they say this." And it's like, "Okay. Well, what degree does so and so have to be able to share this information?" Again, I'm not putting myself or anyone else who has a degree on a pedestal. Honestly, I think that some people who don't have the highest qualifications can be better than people who do have the highest qualifications. Alyssa Scolari [11:39]: But, what's important is that you are knowing where this person is getting their information from, right? Are they pulling it out of their ass? Are they qualified? Okay. So they say that they're a life coach. Well, that's great. But, what does that actually mean? What kind of training have they had? I think it's really important to pay attention to that. Again, I am not bashing life coaches. I think there are great ones. For example, on TikTok, there's a woman, her name is called Anna Bobana, I believe. She has become a life coach, and she has so much experience, so much personal experience with mental health struggles and trauma and addiction and things like that, and she's phenomenal. So, please don't misunderstand this as me bashing life coaches because I am not. It's just that I want you to remember to always see, look into what you're seeing. Alyssa Scolari [12:39]: Don't take what you're seeing on the internet at face value, especially when it comes to mental health, because it could be doing more harm than good. With that being said, we'll transition into toxic positivity. Now, I have seen a lot of things on the internet about toxic positivity, and I've seen a lot of things that directly counteract toxic positivity or contradict toxic positivity. There's this huge movement, and has been for several year now, about being positive and good vibes only. How many content creators and how many organizations have created shirts, hats, water bottles, stickers, this, that, and a third that say good vibes only, good vibes only, good vibes only. And that's great, right? You'll write that on a shirt in happy font, in a happy color, with a little sun sticking out. Alyssa Scolari [13:45]: Sounds great, right? No. Actually, that's extremely damaging, especially given the world that we are living in right now. Let me take a step back. What is toxic positivity? Well, toxic positivity is sort of this push or this assumption and this belief that despite whatever you're going through, despite whatever pain or discomfort you might be in, you should always keep the bright side in mind. You should always keep trying to maintain a positive mindset despite what may be happening. There's this meme that always comes to mind when I think of toxic positivity, and I'm sure so many of you have seen it where it's like, I think it's a dog who's sitting at the kitchen table with the newspaper open, and all around the dog there's like flames, like the whole house is on fire. The dog is just sitting there like, "This is fine. This is fine. Everything's fine," and everything around him or her or them is on fire. Alyssa Scolari [14:59]: I just think that that is like a perfect example of toxic positivity, right? Things around us could be on fire. In fact, the world is on fire right now and really has been for over two years. More than ever, especially in the pandemic, I have seen so many people pushing this idea of toxic positivity. "Keep a positive mindset. You have to stay positive. You have to stay strong." Let's talk about some more specific real-world examples of this. Again, let's go back to social media. One thing that I often see pop up, especially on TikTok, are these creators, whether they are makeup artists or just general content creators or stylist creators, they almost always have started either a series of videos on how to self-care, or how to achieve happiness, or how to get through something difficult, X, Y, Z, whatever it may be. Alyssa Scolari [16:20]: Well, I often see these people say things like, "You just have to have a positive outlook and be hopeful for what's going to come in your future," or, "You just have to change your way of thinking and believe that you are worthy of the best in life. You just have to focus on what you have instead of perseverating or ruminating on what you don't have," and that is really easy to say coming from somebody who makes hundreds of thousands of dollars or millions of dollars on a social media app. Not that their job isn't difficult because I believe at their job is actually one of the most difficult things. I think that they face more pressure having social media as their job than probably most other people, and I really believe it's one of the hardest jobs, so I am not by any means belittling or diminishing the work that they do. Alyssa Scolari [17:34]: But, so often, I just see them saying things like, "I make a gratitude list," and, "I focus on what I have," and, "I'm very thankful for this," and, "I'm very thankful for that," and, "That is how I pull myself out of a funk." That is so great, and I am so glad that that works, but I honestly think that so much of it is them omitting the truth. Yes, gratitude lists are phenomenal. They are great. They can really help shift your mindset. But, not many people on social media say, "I let myself sob it out. I let myself have days where I'm depressed. I acknowledge how painful this is. I acknowledge that I didn't want to get up and brush my teeth or shower today. I laid in bed for three days before I have the ability to get up and make a gratitude list." Alyssa Scolari [18:32]: The dark side of what happens before the positive vibes come get omitted because that's not cute to talk about. Positive vibes are what's cute. Good vibes only are what's cute and trendy. It's not trendy to say, "I really struggle to brush my teeth and eat meals today." Don't get me wrong. Again, there are some creators out there who do a really good job at this, but for the most part, the people that tend to really thrive on social media are the ones who push this positive vibes only movement. I don't hate those people. I just think that they are sort of a reflection of this larger push in society to ignore the bad and ignore the pain and focus only on the good. Now, we've also seen this a lot with this pandemic, right? People have died, people have lost their jobs, people have had loved ones that they have not been able to see in years, so much time has been lost, millions of people have been lost, people had to say goodbye to their loved ones through FaceTime, and this pandemic still isn't over. Alyssa Scolari [19:48]: But, what we see is people saying things like, "Oh, I'm really sorry you lost your job, but at least nobody in your family died from COVID. At least you have your health, right? I'm really, really sorry that you've been out of work for so long, but, hey, at least you've been able to spend more time at home," Or, "I'm so sorry that..." Or, a lot of times people don't even say, "I'm so sorry," right? It's like a mom who has three kids and had to work full time, now all of a sudden has three kids at home and has to do virtual schooling with them. "Oh, well, at least you get to spend time with your kids that... Yeah, virtual schooling must be hard, but at least they're home, at least you get to spend time with them, right?" It's that like, "At least this," or, "At least that," and it's so incredibly invalidating. Alyssa Scolari [20:49]: We often see this a lot too with parents. Even before the pandemic, toxic positivity has been a thing for ages, right? We haven't necessarily had a name for it, but it's been a thing for ages, and we see it as even when growing up. "Oh, I'll give you something to cry about. You don't have anything you need to cry about." Oh, I got told all the time, "There's no reason for you to be crying right now. There's absolutely no reason. You should be so grateful. Look at the life that you have. Look at all the great things that you have," and this is toxic positivity, right? "Stop crying. Stop focusing on what's bad. You are being selfish." And some people are even told that they're being selfish, "People have it so much worse than you do, so much worse than you do." Alyssa Scolari [21:36]: Now, again, I feel like I'm beating a dead horse here, but I want to be really, really sensitive about this because I know that a lot of folks who are listening to me are parents themselves. And, as parents, it's likely, it's highly likely that you found yourself saying this to your children at one point, possibly. I don't really know. And if you did, please don't beat yourself up. Please don't because toxic positivity has really been a part of parenting styles for ages. Ages, right? It's how I grew up. It's how so many people who are my age grew up. All the people who come into my office, I mean 98% of them, that's how they grew up. Alyssa Scolari [22:22]: They would get upset about something and their parent or guardian would be like, "You have absolutely nothing to cry about. Look at all these other things. Look at all these other things you should be happy about?" Especially when it comes to relationships, like teenagers and relationships, if there's a breakup or something like that, or you get into a fight. You're a teenager and you get into a fight with your boyfriend, girlfriend, and all of a sudden you're sobbing and you're upset because when you're a teenager, when things happen it is truly the end of the world, right? That's just how our brains are wired when we're teenagers. That's just the way that it is. And so many parents often say to teenagers, "Oh, my God, you're going to have so many more relationships. You are going to find the right person." And that's great. Those are really, really kind words to say, right? Alyssa Scolari [23:15]: Toxic positivity, it's not all toxic. It becomes toxic, and I think this is important, toxic positivity becomes toxic when we do not validate the emotions first. When somebody comes to you in a dysregulated state, meaning they are upset, they are sad, they are depressed, they are anxious, jumping right into, "Oh, but look at all the opportunities you have, and look at all the great things that... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/22118075

Episode 81: Imposter Syndrome is Keeping You from Living Your Best Life with Alyssa Scolari, LPC 02/08/2022

Episode 81: Imposter Syndrome is Keeping You from Living Your Best Life with Alyssa Scolari, LPC Imposter syndrome is the overwhelming feeling that we are phony or fraudulent in different areas of our lives. This psychological phenomenon causes us to attribute our successes or achievements to external circumstances rather than internal (i.e. “I only got a raise because my cousin is the boss”, “I only got an A on that test because the teacher likes me”). Imposter syndrome not only deprives us of self-love and validation, but it also stops us from having the confidence to achieve our future goals and dreams. Tune in to learn about ways to combat imposter syndrome! Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show Every bit helps! Transcript: Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hi, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I'm your host, Alyssa Scolari. We are back at it again, only this week is extra special. This is my first episode that I am recording post-surgery. So, I'm actually really happy because it's been a while since I've recorded anything. I had surgery, as many of you know, on January 27th for endometriosis and, before my surgery, a couple months ago, I did an episode talking about my battle with endometriosis or maybe it was a couple of weeks ago. Couple weeks, couple months, a month, whatever but I had done an episode where I was explaining what I have been going through. Alyssa Scolari [01:12]: So, if you missed that episode, go check it out so that you are all caught up. And, I finally had my surgery, which is really exciting, I am recovering. I have been really trying to be intentional about not rushing my healing and yeah, it's been good. I am going to do an episode updating everybody in more detail about what happened with the surgery, what they found, how my recovery was. I have a post op appointment with my surgeon on Friday, so I will have a little bit more information then and then I will be more healed and I will be in a better place to record an episode about that. I just wanted to give myself a few weeks to heal because it was both physically and emotionally draining. Alyssa Scolari [02:12]: So, that said, it's been a really interesting week for me as I've been, really, just embracing the stillness and I've had a lot of time to think about the podcast and the direction the podcast is going. And I also had the pleasure of receiving an incredible email from a very dear listener, you know who you are. I was actually really having a bad day in my recovery, I was in a lot of pain and I was, I think, bored out of my mind. I don't know if I was bored or depressed, honestly, maybe a little bit of both because I think that having that surgery just brought up a lot of things for me. Alyssa Scolari [03:01]: And so, I think I was definitely struggling with some depression, I was moping around the house and I was wishing that I could just get back to my life already. And, all of a sudden, I see this email pop through or this email came through of somebody who became a patron for the podcast which is so, so exciting, thank you so, so much. Having patrons makes this whole process so much easier and it allows me to do so much more because I'm having some type of funding for the podcast because everything right now, with the exception of the patrons, we do out of pocket so it's very expensive. Alyssa Scolari [03:42]: I know, as I mentioned in the past and I'm not complaining, I am more than happy to be able to provide a free mental health resource to people out there who might, otherwise, not be able to afford mental health support but, sometimes, it can become a lot. So, having people who are able to support the podcast and give in whatever way that they can is so, so helpful and so exciting and it's such an honor because I understand, especially in today's world, with inflation being through the freaking roof, life is expensive, things are expensive, people are out of work because people are getting COVID so things are really, really hard. So, the fact that people would choose to donate any amount of money to the podcast is just extremely humbling for me and extremely encouraging and inspiring. Alyssa Scolari [04:44]: I don't always get to interact with the people who listen to this podcast so I feel like I have a ton of friends, I know I have a ton of friends who are listening and who are supporting me but I don't always hear from all of you which is fine, there's no obligation to reach out to me but it is always special when people do and when people are able to give. It's so validating that what I'm doing is actually helping people. So, I digress. This person, she became a patron for the podcast and then she, which by the way, if you're not familiar with Patreon, you can go over into the show notes and find it. It's basically just the site where people are able to donate however much money, either on a monthly basis or a one-time thing, to the podcast or, really, content creators of any kind. Alyssa Scolari [05:43]: So, this person then proceeded to send me an email and, in this beautifully written email, she had said that my podcast had helped her so much through her trauma recovery process to the point where she would often listen to this podcast when she would go to sleep at night and many of us trauma survivors know how difficult the nighttime can be. And she had said that she actually is now thinking of going back to school and is applying to schools to get her master's degree in social work so that she can go on to help other people. And it was this incredibly humbling email and I read it and I started to cry. And, my husband read it, and then he started to cry. And also, side note, at the end of that email, she told me to not rush my healing which I also really needed to hear because I was definitely trying to rush my healing. Alyssa Scolari [06:47]: But after reading that my husband, David, was like, "I'm really, really proud of you. Look at the impact that you are able to have on other people." And I remember thinking, I wonder if she has the wrong person, at first. My initial reaction was like, "Maybe she emailed the wrong person. Maybe she meant to email another podcaster." Obviously, I know that that's not the case, she very specifically was emailing me. But at the time, I was just like, "No, she can't be. She can't be talking about me." And so, that brings me to the topic of today's episode, honestly. So, thank you to that listener who sent me that email because you have inspired today's episode which is all about impostor syndrome and you also have made me feel so loved and I really, really appreciate that. Alyssa Scolari [07:56]: So, we're talking about impostor syndrome today which I know so many of us struggle with and I struggle with it, too. I don't think that I struggle with it as much anymore, I definitely used to be much, much worse with it but, over time, I've definitely gotten much better with it. And impostor syndrome, it's not a psychological disorder, so to speak, it's not a mental health condition, so to speak. You're not going to find impostor syndrome listed in the DSM which is, basically, the book of psychological disorders but it still is a psychological phenomenon. And, basically, at its simplest, impostor syndrome is that feeling that you're a phony or a fraud or feeling like the only reason that you have the success that you have or the good fortune that you have is because of some external circumstance or some temporary thing. Alyssa Scolari [09:08]: Well, I basically only won this race because I had more time to train than someone else or, basically, I only got a raise because I've been here longer than anyone else. It's like we're always attributing a good thing to some external or temporary source rather than internal, rather than believing that we have this good fortune or this success because of who we are and because of our hard work. And, again, because of who we are, we are always deflecting. No, it's definitely because of something else. It can't possibly be because of me because I'm simply not good enough. Alyssa Scolari [09:59]: Now, as with most other mental health terms, impostor syndrome gets thrown around a lot and people make light of it but it actually can be quite debilitating. And just as an FYI, some of the information that I'm going to be sharing with you today, some is from just my own professional experience and personal experience with impostor syndrome but, the other information that I'm going to be sharing is from an article written by Valerie Young. And Valerie Young, basically, is this leading expert on impostor syndrome. She's given it a TED talk, she has been really the expert in this area, been doing work in the area of impostor syndrome since the 1980s. So, I am, of course, going to link that article in the show notes so you can feel free to go and check it out. But basically, it can be very, very debilitating and there's definitely some controversy on impostor syndrome which we'll get into. Alyssa Scolari [11:00]: But impostor syndrome, at least for me, is something that, I realize, stood in the way of my success for a while, honestly. And I'm talking about success in my career, I'm talking about success in my relationship building, success in my love life, my friendships, my ability to set boundaries, everything. So, again, while we as a society, I think, really like to make light of what impostor syndrome is, it's really a big, freaking deal, to be honest. Alyssa Scolari [11:44]: So, again, as I said, it is this idea that any success that we have really can't be attributed to us as individuals and has to be attributed to some other external source. Now, this syndrome does affect both men and women and especially affects members in the non-binary community, LGBTQAI plus community. It tends to affect people in the LGBTQIA plus community and women, the female community more than men and there are some pretty obvious reasons which we'll touch on a little bit. Alyssa Scolari [12:31]: But impostor syndrome does one of two things that are really, really debilitating. So, first, what it does is it tells you that your success has nothing to do with you personally. But then, where it becomes even more debilitating is that it tells you that because none of the success that you have had in your life so far is a result of you, that you are not going to be successful or be able to achieve your goals in the future and, therefore, stops you from pushing yourself to see what your potential is. This may look like you turning down a date if somebody asks you to go on a date because you are automatically assuming that it's going to be a failure. Alyssa Scolari [13:34]: This might look like you not seizing a career opportunity that comes your way, this might look like you never following through with your dream to go to Fiji, to travel the world one day because you don't believe that you have what it takes. This might look like you never trying or truly applying yourself in school because you have this fundamental belief, this core belief that you're never going to be good enough or smart enough as the people around you, therefore, you're not going to apply yourself because you are less than. Alyssa Scolari [14:13]: It shows up in our lives in so many ways and it does affect both children and adults. Children might not necessarily have words to be able to put to the impostor syndrome but they have it nonetheless. Now, impostor syndrome and trauma often go hand in hand. Hence, why we are talking about this on the Light After Trauma podcast. People who have been traumatized, specifically folks who have complex PTSD which, if you're unfamiliar on the differences between standard PTSD and complex PTSD, please go back to the beginning of the podcast. I think episode, maybe, one or two or three, we really talked about the differences. Alyssa Scolari [15:04]: I believe it's episode two on the podcast, we break down exactly what complex trauma is. And specifically for folks who have complex PTSD, we have endured an extensive amount of trauma and the neural pathways in our brains have been altered to believe that everything bad is our fault that, if good things happen, they are not going to last. Good things are very, very scary to us and we never attribute good things happening to us, we have to attribute it to some outside source. Alyssa Scolari [15:41]: So, those are some of the ways in which impostor syndrome can show up. For me, again, definitely affected me in all areas of my life. I think, certainly, with dating, I noticed this pattern of myself where I got to a point where I started to date men of a certain kind and not the healthy kind. And, if I were to go on a date with a man who actually was healthy and I could see myself getting into a relationship with, I was physically and emotionally unattracted to that person and I was actually quite scared of them. I felt much more familiar on men who were pretty dangerous. Alyssa Scolari [16:35]: I was very, very scared of men who are safe and I believed that it was because they were trying to trick me, honestly. I think I just had this belief that good men, decent human beings couldn't want me. And, if they did want me, there had to be some external reason because I'm not a good person. Even though I might be coming off as a good person and a good partner and a good girlfriend, fundamentally, I'm not and everybody around me can see that, they can see that I'm a phony, they can see that I'm a fraud. Alyssa Scolari [17:19]: So, if there is a good man out there who was attracted to me, well, he must be a phony and a fraud as well and he must have some ulterior motive for why he's being good to me and, therefore, I don't want him. A twisted way of thinking, definitely maybe hard to follow but it made sense in my head and I would bet that there's at least one person out there who's listening to this that's like, "Oh, yeah, no, that totally makes sense in my head, too." And there was a very similar pattern with my friends, really. Alyssa Scolari [17:50]: I did the same thing with friendships which is why I didn't always have the best friendships and, as a result, I don't really have many friends to this day which I think I'm okay with because I just prefer to have smaller groups. A lot of my husband's friends have become really close friends to me and they're really amazing people but, I think, growing up, I just attracted people who weren't the best of friends because that's just what felt safer to me in some twisted way. Alyssa Scolari [18:25]: I felt like really good people could see right through me and could see that I was just a phony and a fraud. And, I think that with school, I have a bit more confidence with school, I was very successful in school always. I was at the top of my class, graduated the top of my class, was a straight A student and here's the thing about that, though, is that I ... I'm not bragging. I hate saying this because it sounds like I'm bragging but I'm not. I never had to study, never. The only times I ever really had to study were with subjects like math and maybe some sciences like physics and chemistry, not so much biology. But for the most part, even in my master's program, I never had to study, I barely read the textbooks and I was a straight A student. And I had the hardest time admitting that I was ... Am, I just said was right because I'm separating my past person from my present person. No, it's all the same me. Alyssa Scolari [19:42]: I had and still have a very difficult time admitting that I am an extremely intelligent woman. It's even very hard for those four words to leave my mouth as I'm talking on this podcast. All these fears are coming up for me that's like, "Oh, God, people are going to think you're so stuck up." But I'm trying to move through those fears and, the fact of the matter is, I am a very intelligent person. I have been blessed with lots of intelligence and I'm very grateful for that. But I have always had a very hard time allowing myself to just be very, very smart. Alyssa Scolari [20:29]: I have always had to find an excuse. In fact, I used to convince myself like, "Oh, I must have cheated a lot in high school. I must have cheated a lot in college." I did not cheat. How does one cheat in college or grad school? How do I cheat in grad school? I absolutely did not, absolutely didn't but, in my brain, I've always have some other external reason for why I had so much success. I even graduated the top of my cohort in grad school. Alyssa Scolari [21:04]: My cohort, the people that I was in my program with actually used to make fun of me all the time. I was the odd person out because I didn't have to try as much as they did. Now, I'm going to stop talking about that because it actually really makes me uncomfortable to say it because I feel like I'm bragging. I promise you I'm not, I'm just trying to state the facts here and I'm trying to let myself have a moment where I can compliment myself, I can state a fact about myself that's good and just let it be good without needing a reason that isn't about me. I hope this is making sense to you all. Alyssa Scolari [21:46]: Impostor syndrome has also shown up in my career. Starting my own business, I will never forget, pretty much, what the days were like when I first started my own business. It was so scary for me and, as successful as I was right off the bat, my business, my private practice was so successful right off the bat and I felt so guilty because most people who start their own business struggle and struggle for years and years and years especially because I opened up my own business, what? Maybe seven months before the pandemic and it was a nightmare for so many small business owners but I had been doing so well and I could not accept that, my brain could not tolerate that. Alyssa Scolari [22:44]: I had to keep telling myself and one of the things I would say is, "The only reason I'm successful is because I had already built up a good reputation by working for the police department before I opened up my private practice." So, that's the only reason why I was successful and it's, A, that's not the only reason and, B, even if it was the only reason, why isn't that still good enough? Yes, I did build a good reputation for myself because I'm very good at what I do. Why can't that just be enough? Why do I always have to negate my successes and my positive characteristics? Alyssa Scolari [23:36]: Again, I know so many of you can relate. Now, as I've said, I have gotten so much better with the impostor syndrome over the years. I have really been able to tackle this, I actually consider myself these days to be somebody who has moderate amount of confidence. I consider myself to be a pretty competent person, not competent in all areas and, occasionally, my impostor syndrome does come roaring back. Alyssa Scolari [24:06]: It turns out my impostor syndrome has been playing a rather large role in this podcast and I don't think I really realized it until the person who I had talked about earlier who became a new patron for the podcast and sent me that beautiful email. I don't think I realized that impostor syndrome had such a hold on me until I got that email because what that email did is it made me realize that I am making a difference in people's lives and it caused me to go back and look at the data on all of the podcast episodes that I have done so far. And by data I mean I'm looking at all the downloads, I'm looking at all the areas of the world in which I've received downloads, I'm looking at how many... /episode/index/show/lightaftertrauma/id/22055303

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