New Wizards

Does Hogwarts accept adults? Join Josh as he reads Harry Potter for the first time with the guidance of his co-host and patronus Aaron. Discover or re-visit all seven books through the eyes of some grown nerds.

Movie Watch-Along Recap — Goblet of Fire 02/11/2019

Movie Watch-Along Recap — Goblet of Fire Like a burst of red sparks from somewhere in a hedge maze, our fourth movie watch-along has appeared! Hear us react to emo Ron, Mad Eye “Too Much Business” Moody, and geek the fuck OUT over the graveyard scene. Watch-along MP3 available at newwizards.fm! /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/8604161

Movie Watch-Along Recap — Prisoner of Azkaban 01/07/2019

Movie Watch-Along Recap — Prisoner of Azkaban After a holiday break, the wizards are back with movie three! How many times will we mention “Primer?” Is Josh capable of identifying Gary Oldman? Will the werewolf be scary, or will it have more of a Deviantart kind of vibe? Hear our recap here, and check newwizards.fm for the watch-along MP3! /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/8168750

Movie Watch-Along Recap — Chamber of Secrets 11/22/2018

Movie Watch-Along Recap — Chamber of Secrets We’re clipping along and getting snaked up! Listen to us go gaga for Gilderoy, consider Salazar Slytherin’s impeccable taste in home furnishings, and wonder aloud how it is that kids grow like that. Watch along with us via the MP3 at newwizards.fm! /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/7657607

Movie Watch-Along Recap — Sorcerer's Stone 11/08/2018

Movie Watch-Along Recap — Sorcerer's Stone It’s the recap to our first watch-along! Tune-in to hear us gush about (and misidentify) British actors. This was a really good one! The watch-along MP3 can be had at the bottom of newwizards.fm — let us know what you think! /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/7486370

We Open At The Close — Series Epilogue 10/10/2018

We Open At The Close — Series Epilogue Wow… what a wild ride :’) We want to thank everyone for listening and reading along with us! We reflect on what magic really *is* one last time, consider the series as a whole, and most importantly, accept that Hogwarts is somewhere in the Scottish countryside. Stay tuned for the movie recaps and watch-alongs coming soon! /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/7149291

Post-Story Mailbag — Bonus Episode 10/02/2018

Post-Story Mailbag — Bonus Episode Our last mailbag episode! :’-) Thank you so, so much for all your questions and interactions throughout the series! We consider Ron — the REAL Ron — and finally discuss Gay Dumbledore, and the differences between fantasy and sci-fi. Thankfully, it doesn’t take an hour. And if you were hoping we’d touch on that voluptuous snake once more, well folks… you will not be disappointed. /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/7121818

We Can See Thestrals Now — Book 7, Ch. 35-36 09/25/2018

We Can See Thestrals Now — Book 7, Ch. 35-36 In this stunning conclusion to the main story, basically all of our in-jokes and running bits become real. Were the Wachowskis a major influence for JK Rowling? Will Sonic the Hedgehog show up in the epilogue? Where did Neville learn swordplay? His Granny, probably. /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/7091322

Strongbottom, imo — Book 7, Ch. 32-34 09/18/2018

Strongbottom, imo — Book 7, Ch. 32-34 Everyone’s favorite buxom snake returns, and spurns Snape’s thirsty advances — what a creep. We explore what brought him here, and consider the biggest question of the series thus far: is Snape good? We get looney with Aunt Tuney, and celebrate the books’ primary protagonist. Harry’s there too, but he dies. /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/7061450

OOO in Albania — Quick Update 08/24/2018

OOO in Albania — Quick Update The wizards are taking a longer-than-usual break! Next episode to come mid-September. In the meantime, send your questions, comments, and howlers to [email protected]! /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/6966460

A Warrior’s Wheeze — Book 7, Ch. 31 08/21/2018

A Warrior’s Wheeze — Book 7, Ch. 31 House Slytherin drafts the traitor McLaggan from Gryffindor. Albania is the spookiest place on Earth, like WHAT is going on there?! Ron commits Parselfraud, lol. RIP to Crabbe… we think. Right? A real hero shows ‘em how to die. /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/6953692

House of Flying Daggers — Book 7, Ch. 28-30 08/14/2018

House of Flying Daggers — Book 7, Ch. 28-30 This is now a Minerva Mcgonagall stan podcast. Harry’s getting better at Unspeakable Curses, and it’s good, actually. The guardian of the Hufflepuff dorm gets his own children’s show. Snape can fly, stop bullets, and see the green ones and zeroes that makeup our reality. /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/6925244

The Goblin Blockchain — Book 7, Ch. 25-27 08/07/2018

The Goblin Blockchain — Book 7, Ch. 25-27 The gang gets Griphooked. Aunt Muriel’s tiara makes an appearance on Antiques Roadshow. Ron goes too hard with his Transylvanian disguise and keeps saying “Bleh!” which ruins the plan. Hermoine gets lost and turns into a gross cave creature. Gold is a hot commodity. /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/6899264

101.3 KWIZ FM — Book 7, Ch. 22-24 08/01/2018

101.3 KWIZ FM — Book 7, Ch. 22-24 We turn a philosophic eye toward banditry. Neville wins two tickets to see Death Grips in a radio contest. The Malfoys learn there’s no Command-Z for cronyism. Dobby, blood price... you get the idea. Ron grinds for some legendary-tier gear. /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/6873538

Crumpy & Friends — Book 7, Ch. 20-21 07/17/2018

Crumpy & Friends — Book 7, Ch. 20-21 Neville is noided. Xenophilius Lovegood shows us his collection of exotic explosives. We learn about the legend of the Hallows, and consider all the many ways it could become a merchandising opportunity. Ron: friend. /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/6822077

Doe, a Deer — Book 7, Ch. 18-19 07/10/2018

Doe, a Deer — Book 7, Ch. 18-19 Harry discovers Dumbledore’s alt-right Youtube channel. Bambi provides the gang with poisonous weaponry in a well-timed but ill-conceived Disney tie-in. In the Ronniest chapter imaginable, Ron sheepishly returns from a dumb fight, kills something, and still manages to get owned. /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/6795345

Big Splinch — Book 7, Ch. 14-17 07/05/2018

Big Splinch — Book 7, Ch. 14-17 Ron gets splinched into three Rons. Kreacher becomes a SoulCycle instructor after Grimmauld Place gets gentrified. We break out the corkboard and yarn once again in search of the golden-haired thief. And our friend the titty snake gets a makeover. /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/6777393

Mid-Book Mailbag — Bonus Episode 06/26/2018

Mid-Book Mailbag — Bonus Episode It’s time for another reader mailbag! Big thanks to everyone who wrote in with questions, topics, and howlers. We have an EXCELLENT Ted Tonks conspiracy theory — really! More Dune-scussion! And most important of all: more Filch. /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/6747931

Thiccnesse — Book 7, Ch. 12-13 06/19/2018

Thiccnesse — Book 7, Ch. 12-13 Does magic obey the laws of thermodynamics? Can you “accio” dark matter? Was Einstein a Hufflepuff? Umbridge uses Moody’s eye to cheat at canasta. Draco becomes an anti-Muggle propagandist and appears on InfoWars. The plan goes great. /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/6723248

RIP DJ Rashad — Book 7, Ch. 9-11 06/13/2018

RIP DJ Rashad — Book 7, Ch. 9-11 Ron’s wallet is the one that says “Bad Mother Fucker” on it. Where did Sirius even get Muggle swimsuit magazines from? Kreacher spills all in a very special episode of 60 Minutes. Madam Pomfrey invents the IUD. /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/6698903

I, Carly — Book 7, Ch. 6-8 06/05/2018

I, Carly — Book 7, Ch. 6-8 Hermoine hones her broadsword in preparation for her upcoming quest. Scrimgeour delivers Dumbledore’s will, and reveals that he had a second, secret school that he was also running the entire time? Awkward. Ron lights his hair on fire. And Xenophilius Lovegood invites us on a tour of his candy factory. /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/6672134

Et tu, Mundungus? — Book 7, Ch. 4-5 05/30/2018

Et tu, Mundungus? — Book 7, Ch. 4-5 A Starbucks barista writes “Expelliarmus” on Harry’s latte cup. All the good guys meet up at the least obvious meeting place in the wizarding world: The Burrow. Our boy Mundungus has his priorities straight. And is Voldemort strong enough to beat Goku? Find out next week... /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/6647937

The Dursley Hallows — Book 7, Ch. 1-3 05/23/2018

The Dursley Hallows — Book 7, Ch. 1-3 Voldemort rents out a room in the Malfoy estate via Airbnb and uses all their olive oil? But he really knows how to cook a teacher. Then we tearfully conclude our very last Dursley Watch! Will Aunt Petunia ever reveal her shadowy past? Did Vernon remember to pack his most lethal drill for protection? Is it possible that the prophecy was actually referring to Big D? /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/6625045

We Love Her Because She’s Good — Book 6, Ch. 29-30 05/09/2018

We Love Her Because She’s Good — Book 6, Ch. 29-30 We take a moment to honor the REAL heroes: Luna & Neville. Snape tricks Hermoine — the smartest person in the universe — with a fake mustache. Then we reflect on how dope Book 6 is, and make some predictions for Book 7. Is Ron himself the Gryffindor Horcrux?! /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/6572533

A Boring One — Book 6, Ch. 27-28 05/02/2018

A Boring One — Book 6, Ch. 27-28 Buckbeak returns in this otherwise uneventful section. /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/6546555

This Will Kill You, with Kate Dries — Book 6, Ch. 24-26 04/25/2018

This Will Kill You, with Kate Dries — Book 6, Ch. 24-26 Our friend Kate Dries joins us again to close the snog loop! We walk in on a weeping Draco and, in an effort to console him, slash him into stew meat. Our Grandpa drinks a yucky juice and begs us to kill him. But most important of all: is Ginny a virgin when she starts dating Harry? …??? …?!?! /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/6519301

It’s Love, Actually — Book 6, Ch. 21-23 04/18/2018

It’s Love, Actually — Book 6, Ch. 21-23 Draco gentrifies the Room of Requirement. Tonks gives a cry for help via a cryptic Spotify playlist. Harry is up all night to get lucky. Why does Voldemort want to live that long? Is he breeding tortoises? And we have a few not-terrible and definitely-good thoughts on what the remaining Horcruxes might be... /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/6493115

Romilda… — Book 6, Ch. 18-20 04/11/2018

Romilda… — Book 6, Ch. 18-20 Ron eats a pack of Choco-Cauldrons and wakes up in a corn field. Josh thinks Snape might be the Half-Blood Prince, or a Fifth-Blood Duke at the least. Life at Hogwarts means bumping up against McMotherfuckers, and this one’s ruining our Quidditch. Voldemort has red eyes, like in those memes. /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/6469805

Snogfest, with Kate Dries — Book 6, Ch. 14-17 03/28/2018

Snogfest, with Kate Dries — Book 6, Ch. 14-17 We’re joined by our good friend: writer & editor extraordinaire and former Guy Friends Podcast co-host Kate Dries! Finally deep in the snogodrome, we consider our favorite teens’ fuckability on a teen by teen basis. Luna Lovegood is Etsy famous. And Slughorn accidentally gives Dumbledore an old taped episode of Frasier instead of a memory. /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/6416789

Bling That Stings — Book 6, Ch. 11-13 03/21/2018

Bling That Stings — Book 6, Ch. 11-13 Lavender Brown wins Pantone's Color of the Year. Ron definitely deserves to be Keeper, because he’s so great at it. Katie Bell touches a necklace so expensive that even just grazing it ruins her credit score. Draco gets Harry so mad that steam whistles out of his ears. Dumbledore is a terrible babysitter. /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/6389004

Slug Hornt — Book 6, Ch. 8-10 03/14/2018

Slug Hornt — Book 6, Ch. 8-10 Finally the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Snape pulls up a chair and sits on it backwards to tell it like it really is. The Half-Blood Prince was a big fan of glitter gel pens. And we take a leisurely jaunt to meet the Gaunts, relying heavily on Google Translate for the Parselmouth parts. /episode/index/show/newwizards/id/6363209

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