No Rangers Allowed

Dungeons 'n Dragons, house ruled to death, as played by weird and weary videogame snobs. Starring a desertwalking Zoroastrian dwarf druid; a backwoods halfling elftaku, master of banjo, jaw harp and double flute; an emo cat-summoning death cleric; and a filthy, feral anarcho-syndicalist barbarian. A Selectbutton Gaiden podcast. Join us at www.selectbutton.net Radical show icon by art subgenius @BachelorSoft

Episode 43: Decolonizing the Literary Canon 03/05/2021

Episode 43: Decolonizing the Literary Canon The party learns from a kindly spidermother that the pixies have been horning their way into the wood, jacking up rents and driving out the legacy residents. Honeydew learns that magical root-ink cannot but produce pro-pixie propaganda from his pen. Delving into this tuber dungeon, our heroes vow here as always to defeat the Gentrifier. /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/18198752

Episode 42: Dopethrone 11/15/2020

Episode 42: Dopethrone Our heroes end banditry in the countryside using the traditional method, rousing debate about the working class! With the bandits redirected, the party attends to more pressing matters: learning sick spells, summoning even cooler cats, and getting insanely high. How high? Wake up in the forest surrounded by chittering spider people high. /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/16819280

Episode 41: Level 12 Ruffians 07/04/2020

Episode 41: Level 12 Ruffians Bernie and Honeydew creep on Aioli with their characteristic brand of subtlety. BJ and Ven set spears to face some suspiciously powerful highwaymen. Will our heroes reunite in time to defeat these foes in unison? Do our heroes ever do anything in unison actually? /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/15085139

Episode 40: Mistified 04/17/2020

Episode 40: Mistified The party is split in two, divided by a strange wall of mist that no one else seems to recognize. Honeydew and Bernie have a nice vacation with a dinosaur. BJ and Ven find Fatgris, open a door in the worst possible way, and prepare for battle with roofie bandits. /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/14035124

Episode 39: The Girl From Empanada 01/15/2020

Episode 39: The Girl From Empanada Impositions from the outside world remind the bozos that they have a lot of jobs to do, and they spend some time figuring out the order they should do them. Imbued with new resolve, they march off to find Fatgris and the Azure Company only to immediately be split three ways on silly escapades. Honeydew's cow obsession begins in earnest. /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/12751274

Episode 38: The Bozos Are Back In Town 11/26/2019

Episode 38: The Bozos Are Back In Town The gang returns to literally sleepy Tumford only to face an infestation of g-g-g-g-ghosts! BJ is possessed and the only cure is Honeydew smashing him with a flaming Donghammer. Shrug considers historical diamond dust production. Bald Wendol is faithless towards his cabbages, and then makes a stupid deal with Honeydew that ends up consuming his character for like the next 20 sessions. /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/12179537

Episode 37.5: Wield, Part 2 10/08/2019

Episode 37.5: Wield, Part 2 In the long-awaited return of Shrug's wield campaign, two lost souls wander around a tower while being manipulated by magical objects. Also the objects are alive and being played by the same people in real life. It's not as confusing as it sounds, I promise. Look forward to extreme beach volleyball against a titan, people turning into dragons, lots of genital-related puns thanks to a certain barbarian, and a pipe-who-is-also-a-stoner fulfilling his lifelong dream of...getting really high. /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/11563469

Episode 37: Good Vibes Administration 09/08/2019

Episode 37: Good Vibes Administration The gang's well-deserved victory lap. Mab the Pieromancer stays behind in now idyllic Chetverg, home to the triple race alliance. Magic items abound. Bartholomew imbibes the light of wisdom. The party prepares to return to home planet Digna. They don't know where they will be or how long it's been, but they know one thing: be excellent to each other. Party on dudes! /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/11168381

Episode 36: The Battle of Fort Chetverg 08/07/2019

Episode 36: The Battle of Fort Chetverg The... Barty Party? Yeah, we gotta work on that -- resolves elf/fish tensions, at both the vulgar and elite levels. Work is completed on an obscene siege float. Captain Cha delivers a rousing speech of comraderie and fraternity, throwing our heroes at a sea of robot elves and their twisted vegan commander. There's only one way this can end: crushed by a statuesque elf butt. /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/10802651

Episode 35: Tears In Rain 07/06/2019

Episode 35: Tears In Rain Boy, this episode seems short! you might say. And you'd be entirely right! I screwed up. I screwed up big! But the party didn't. They did great. They rubbed a cat on a beautiful man to save the soul of elvenkind. /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/10421771

Episode 34: The Birdening 06/25/2019

Episode 34: The Birdening An evening bookended by birds. Three separate huge frickin' birds. In the middle, the party melts plastic materials to find magic items, we find out that the late Haesto was a mangaka, and shrug gets horny for Christopher Meloni. I guess also the gang frees an elf goddess and finds out a huge amount of world-shattering information but that's not as important. /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/10288898

Episode 33: Pearls Before Swine 05/16/2019

Episode 33: Pearls Before Swine The party founds an impromptu clan and picks gamertags in order to play a game with a guy who is definitely not Jokkmokk. The Official Office Space Roleplaying System turns out to be a subtle commentary on eco-gnomics and the basic injustice of wage slavery which is also necromancy. Bernie's full name is Bearnaise Anders. Then there are some problems with a ladder. /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/9805544

Episode 32: Ladies Love Cool Ven 03/31/2019

Episode 32: Ladies Love Cool Ven Anti-illusion haircuts are tough on an edge, so a quest for a whetstone leads our heroes into the kitchen of the skinking club, where BJ finally defeats his hangover with the aid of a magical spring. A harrowing encounter with a staircase leads to a not so harrowing encounter with a giant and not terribly verbal moth. Finally, catching up with an old friend leaves Ven with hair that's the envy of the 'hood. Also, a Wilhelm scream competition and Sex-type Pokemon are weak to Bug. /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/9204542

Episode 31: Quis Mingit Ipsos Minges 03/15/2019

Episode 31: Quis Mingit Ipsos Minges An old friend delivers a passive-aggressive judgment upon the party's less than perfect ally retention rate. Honeydew handles his snake so expertly it'd make Moses blush. The gang goes down a reliquary K-hole and ends up teaching a hungry beast the meaning of explicit consent, but not before learning how to skink in the traditional halfling fashion. Bernie's real cagey about her past, for some reason, the little imp. /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/9014711

Episode 30: Dungeons & Diners & Dragons & Dives 02/21/2019

Episode 30: Dungeons & Diners & Dragons & Dives The party considers some bizarre physiologies, starting with a 90's starlet alzabo-Frankenstein and ending with Halfling cloacas. Eventually they stop goofing around and enter the mind palace, which turns out to be completely built out of elves. Allegedly this isn't a sex thing. BJ and Honeydew get completely blasted, thus transmorphing a literal sleeping giant first into Guy Fieri and then into Tex Wasabi. /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/8728199

Episode 29: Vitamin D Deficiency 02/10/2019

Episode 29: Vitamin D Deficiency We begin with some truly pointless nonsense, which can only be summarized as poop crimes. After the creation and discussion of some magical artifacts in preparation, the party finally begins its trek to the long-foreshadowed Tower. But the forest contains unforseen memory mysteries, and we discover that only with the help of the manticores may our heroes continue their quest. Also I'm supposed to put some sex stuff in here, since we figured out that's what gets you sickos to download episodes. Sex! /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/8586017

Episode 28: Into the Ryanverse 01/20/2019

Episode 28: Into the Ryanverse Old friends are reunited. The beginnings of a revolution have begun to coalesce in Fort Chetverg. But it is not without its costs, including a Korpseo and BJ face-tanking traps. Can a motet for three voices tip the balance? Also, fictional AND real life war crimes! /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/8325791

Episode 27: Gentle Dick Sock 01/07/2019

Episode 27: Gentle Dick Sock The party takes a well-deserved rest, but Bernie pisses the night away. In the morning, chores need doing: uncursing elves, talking to frustrated professor spirits, swimming in trash, you know the deal. Our heroes' travails leave them with due reward: an orb full of dragon cum?? (NO, it is NOT) /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/8159399

Episode 26.5: Wield, Part 1 01/04/2019

Episode 26.5: Wield, Part 1 In this NoRA gaiden, the DM shoe is on the other foot as shrug runs tulpa and guest star Clint through a "one"(three)-shot of Wield, a game by John Wick (the wizened game designer, not the Keanu redeemed killer) about the sorcerous will that powers legendary magical artifacts. Graciously edited by the talented Clint, whose Snexploration podcast you should check out if you like funny people and old videogames and, improbably, shrug. /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/8129786

Episode 26: Garden of Whedon 12/12/2018

Episode 26: Garden of Whedon The party faces the Thanksgiving racist uncle conundrum: what to do when the doddering and talented old castle gardener is also 100% in the tank for pro-necromancer conspiracy theories? BJ deals with it the way we all wish we could, but before the party can take the post-turkey snooze they desperately need, they are set upon by the salad. Also: extended discussion of them feet. /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/7898063

Episode 25.5: Swords Without a Clue 12/02/2018

Episode 25.5: Swords Without a Clue A very special bonus episode of No Rangers Allowed. The gang is together! Like in the real life! We take the opportunity to play a one-shot of Swords Without Master, a wonderful system of narrative manipulation. Turns out we are all just as ridiculous face to face as we are on the internet. /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/7766306

Episode 25: Icon of Sin 11/21/2018

Episode 25: Icon of Sin The party makes a moonroof to imbue their sweet rhymes with astronomical significance. There are some very bad plants, and some very good plants. The gang discovers a treasure trove, both literally and metaphorically, and encounters a brief history of perversion, as well as a longer history of more important matters. No real progress towards processing the trauma of watching a horseman being beaten into paste occurs. /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/7642295

Episode 24: Oh, My Centaur 10/25/2018

Episode 24: Oh, My Centaur Peripheral contact with the dreaded Riddle Weasel is not enough to keep our party from their prey, and BJ from his bloody destiny. Bernie rolls triple sixes, proving that this is truly Satan's game. But it's not all fun and games; grim revenge casts a dark cloud over the party, one that threatens to open old wounds, and make new ones. /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/7308935

Episode 23: Mission Incredulous 10/03/2018

Episode 23: Mission Incredulous There is a disagreement regarding Ven's insecurities and the party's abuse of his naive trust. Only a sucking, slurping, whispering void of ASMR can rescue the party from this damning lack of esprit de corps. It ends in fire, as our disagreements tend to do. Due to technical difficulties, Miles wears BJ's skin. Sorry. /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/7122549

Episode 22: Hair Mettle 09/24/2018

Episode 22: Hair Mettle So there's technically plenty of adventure in this episode - adorable puzzle weasels, Irtian revelations, a dangerous reconnoiter into a bizarre town to organize a rescue mission, and even a brush with nobility - but, let's be honest, mostly it's about hair. /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/7082718

Episode 21: Goatal Destruction 09/11/2018

Episode 21: Goatal Destruction A brightly-colored group of decidedly non-rangerous disciples give the party pause. Ven and Honeydew argue over the sentinels' intentions, but the benefit of the doubt gives way to actual doubt, which belies the devotional structure of the little lake civilization. What follows is pure hircine vengeance, terrifying to behold. Later, we find that the collapse of elven society has had further-reaching effects than previously thought. /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/7031194

Episode 20: Curb Your Iconoclasm 08/28/2018

Episode 20: Curb Your Iconoclasm The party has a TMNT (original live-action movie version) spiritual experience with the ghost of their friend(?) Gorm, but have no time to properly grieve before set upon by a pack of bandits and their mincing leader. When they part ways, the party is laser focused on the twin goals of Revenge and Escape - until someone offers to give BJ a bath. That's worth a sidequest. /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/6975993

Episode 19: Unforseen Consequences 08/06/2018

Episode 19: Unforseen Consequences A CLIMAX. The party begins by solving Rivenesque puzzles to unlock interplanetary secrets. Irtya is even more than she has seemed, but before the party can understand the cosmological significance of these partial revelations, the Dragon in the Basement is unleashed. Our heroes fight both monsters and the clock as they struggle to evacuate the Egg. But not every comrade will make it. Sometimes, to save the lives of others, a sacrifice is required. /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/6894328

Episode 18: Hasselhoof 07/28/2018

Episode 18: Hasselhoof The party begins to peel back the layers of the dark underbelly of the Egg. Valorous battle is entered: BJ uses filthy ninjitsu; Bernie employs, and immediately breaks, what she affectionately calls her Warbags; and Ven rends the darkness with a megachurch Cuisinart. Honeydew's claustrophobia interrupts the spoofs and goofs, however, and the party barely begins to deal with the presence of a new darkness before a newer, even darker, darkness is revealed... /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/6859616

Episode 17: Elevator Action 07/09/2018

Episode 17: Elevator Action A very manually-centric episode, involving little grabby hands, fishmittens, and alien Mars Reactor-esque power pedestals. The party falls under a hilarious curse, divers in its effect, but still finds time to discover ancient secrets about The Seed nee The Egg, as well as foment the piscine communist revolution. Meanwhile Honeydew says a lot of stuff about aluminum and electrolysis? A lot happens in this one is what I'm saying. /episode/index/show/norangersallowed/id/6791588

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