Overnight Underground News
The Overnight Underground News. Mostly... Real news. Updated daily newscast with a just a twist of parody. This is your daily News feed served with Satire and alleged Comedy.
info_outline Overnight Underground News June 24th 2020 06/24/2020
Overnight Underground News June 24th 2020 The Overnight Underground News Podcast, here’s today's headlines: Biden takes the lead. New York tells Florida to stay the hell away. The Seattle Mayor rains on ANTIFA’s parade. The statue mobs are getting a little handsy and it’s time to stop exercising. These stories and more on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford. Biden takes the lead in new poll Don’t look now but Biden has a fourteen point lead in the latest polling. reports that doddering old political fool number two, Joseph Biden, is making inroads with women and nonwhite voters. All of this is according to a new poll of registered voters by The New York Times and Siena College. Biden leads the poll with fifty percent, doddering old fool number one, Bullwinkle J Trump takes thirty six percent and fourteen percent will vote for “other.” I don’t know about you, but other has my vote too. NY tells Fla to stay away Three states in the North East are mandating quarantine for Florida visitors. New York, New Jersey and Connecticut have all set a fourteen day quarantine for visitors from the sunshine and pandemic state. Now if Florida could only figure out a way to time travel backwards and keep those obnoxious New Yorkers from migrating to Florida in the first place, it would be a pretty damn good place to live. is reporting Florida joins Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Washington, Utah and Texas as states with infection rates high enough to warrant the quarantine, so says New York Governor, King and strongman dictator Andrew Cuomo. Where to pee? So maybe some states opened up too early and now they’re paying a high price. We’re looking at you Florida and Texas. But with most states only partially reopened, there is still one major pressing issue yet to be addressed. Where the hell do you take a leak? , that bastard, ah bastion of journalistic integrity points out the obvious, with public and business bathrooms either unavailable or unsafe, the good people of many US cities are whipping it out in public or peeing in their pants. According to one completely , around fifty eight percent are holding it till they get home and over twenty one percent are just letting it rip in the great wide open. All the rest? Depends. Seattle terminates autonomous It seems that even the pinko, pansy, bed wetting Mayor of Seattle has finally had enough of the so-called “occupied” protest zone in the downtown area of that former great city. Mayor Jenny Durkan has called for the of the “Capitol Hill Occupied Protest Zone,” the autonomous six block area of the city. It was just a few days ago when the Mayor likened the protest zone to a new quote: “.” But all that was before the last forty eight hours saw multiple instances of violence sprouting in the new “Summer of Love” zone with at least two shootings, which left multiple injuries and one dead. The Mayor is calling for the Police to retake the confederate section of the city and re-occupy the abandoned police station in the zone. What will those peaceful protesters do? Here’s what one told ABC 10 news in Seattle after hearing the news. What a shit show. The mob in Wisconsin is a little out of hand The angry statue destroying mobs are starting to get a little sporty. reports that in Madison, Wisconsin, peaceful protesters there reportedly tore down two statues and threw a beat down on openly gay state Senator . To make matters worse, the peaceful protesters who attacked the Senator, also trashed a statue of anti-slavery activist . Heg’s statue was decapitated and thrown into a lake by the protesters. The idiot’s in the mob either didn’t know or care that Heg was an abolitionist who fought on the side of the Union. Still it’s also true he was a notorious violent carnivore who exclusively used binary pronouns. So yea, he totally deserved it. DC send in Guard All this begs the question, how do you keep angry mobs from tearing down statues? In DC thef are sending in the National Guard. reports that unarmed members of The Guard are being deployed to the nation’s Capital to lend a hand to Park Police to secure DC’s national monuments. Guard members are expected to stay in The Capitol through the Fourth of July and may number as high as four hundred. Lets just ponder all this for a minute, we’re in the midst of a global pandemic, the President is duller than a bag of Kardashians and millions are out of work. And what are the useful idiots doing? Tearing down monuments. Honestly. Stop exercising now You need to stop exercising and you need to stop it right now. A new study out of Japan is noting that daily strenuous activity, such as exercise, might actually shorten your lifespan. According to dot org, researchers at the Tokyo Institute of Technology found that Kabuki actors, with very active lifestyles, had shorter lifespans than the lazy Japanese who just sat around watching tentacle porn all day. The researchers believe that the aggressive endurance training necessary for the Kabuki performances neutralizes the usual benefits of exercise. So go ahead, put a little extra mayo on the pizza and pass the pork fat sushi.
info_outline Overnight Underground News June 4th 2020 06/04/2020
Overnight Underground News June 4th 2020 The Overnight Underground News Podcast, here’s today's headlines: Mattis turns on Trump. America exports it’s latest resource, rioting. LA is engulfed with trash. Oh yea, there is a pandemic, I forgot. America is in desperate need of more guns and what do porn, death and psychedelic toads have in common? . We’ll find out on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford. Protest and rioting update Let’s see, since yesterday we’ve learned that according to the , George Floyd was infected with covid and was feeling pretty good, well at least before he had a knee on his throat, it seems he was on nice opioid buzz from fentanyl. Former Defense chief Mad Dog Mattis is the latest former Trump ally to turn on the Prez. Mattis told , quote: “Donald Trump is the first president in my lifetime who does not try to unite the American people—does not even pretend to try. Instead he tries to divide.” Trump unleashed back at the news Mattis had thrown him under the bus, : “I didn’t like his “leadership” style or much else about him, and many others agree. Glad he is gone!” America’s greatest export: Rioting The spread of what seems to be America’s greatest export this week, rioting and violence is beginning to get out of hand across the pond.There was last night outside in London. The sound of rioters throwing, well pretty much anything they can get their hands on, at the Prime Ministers residence in London. There have been reports of by the peaceful protesters in London. One was allegedly hit over the head with a bottle by a protester who reportedly yelled “f**k the daily mail,” while committing said assault. Another reporter from was grabbed by a man while on air who made stabbing motions and yelled Aloha Snackbar. There have been of rioting taking place as far away as Athens with peaceful protesters torching the American embassy in Athens. Some ho in Houston Our sound byte of the day comes today from Houston. Check out this protester offering her, ah, services to the boy’s in blue of the Houston Police Department. I’ll bet she does. Wonder if she has any coupons for bulk purchases? You know, for the whole precinct and all. LA is nothing but garbage Here’s a protest / riot statistic you probably haven't heard. In LA, the city’s sanitation workers have collected nearly four hundred tons of trash between Friday and Tuesday. reports crews have collected three hundred and ninety five tons of trash, rocks, bricks, bulky and burnt materials created from the recent unrest and looting. Remember, there is still a pandemic Sorry to take the attention away from protests and riots, but we do have some pandemic news to report. Just under two million were filed last week, that brings the pandemic job losses to a whopping grand total of forty two point six million folks left without gainful employment, and it’s taken one week shy of three months to get there. As bad as that is, the latest figures are the lowest since the week that ended on March 21st, when the full impact of state-mandated lockdowns was felt. But now that we’re no longer under lockdown, and protesting side by side in the streets and all back to work, it’s all good. No worries. Besides, it’s all a hoax anyway. Covid surge probably on the way But just in case you don’t think the whole pandemic thing is a hoax, there is this news. is reporting that new cases of covid are surging in the south and west of the US. Needless to say, the crowded protests here in the land of the free and home of the naive are sparking new worries. Arkansas, Texas and Arizona are states seeing spikes in new cases of the plague. Even the Surgeon General is voicing his concerns over the spread of coronavirus from the densely packed black lives matter protests. Surgeon General Dr. Jerome Adams told on Monday, that there will likely be a rash of new infections following the protests. One little piece of advice to the protesters and looters, remember, if you die, you can’t vote Trump out of office. So if he gets re-elected, this time protesters, it’s on you, America needs more guns Gosh darn it all to heck, America now has a shortage of... guns! According to left wing and a shock to absolutely no one, there has been a rush on gun sales since cities across the lower forty eight have been looted and lighted. The article notes that with the double whammy of covid and now the protests slash riots, gun and sporting goods stores have had a rush from homeowners looking to purchase inexpensive firearms to protect their homes. Maybe we need some kind of guns sale index like the infamous government Waffle House index. That way the stability of our society can be measured in the price of an AR-15. Porn, death and psychedelic toads This is a strange one. According to the , porn actor Nacho Vidal has been arrested by the Spanish Police. No, it’s not a warrant for the silliest porn name on the planet, he’s been cuffed, along with two other people, in connection with the death of a photographer. Now here’s where it gets kinda’ strange. The photographer is believed to have died after inhaling toad venom during some sort of bizzaro cultic ceremony. All of this allegedly took place back in 2019. The dead man, fashion photographer José Luis Abad, according to the legal statement, croaked during a mystical ritual involving the inhalation of vapors from the psychedelic venom of the bufo alvarius toad. Nacho, and the others indicted were arrested on suspicion of involuntary manslaughter and violating public health laws.
info_outline Overnight Underground News Weekend Roundup May 23-24 2020 05/23/2020
Overnight Underground News Weekend Roundup May 23-24 2020 A look back at the top stories last week covered on the award winning (*winner of the podcast least likely to win an award) Overnight Underground News Podcast. Sponsored this weekend by the The United league of the lactose Intolerant. With your host, the award winning John Ford.
info_outline Overnight Underground News May 18th 2020 05/18/2020
Overnight Underground News May 18th 2020 The Overnight Underground Podcast, here’s the headlines: Big gains on the Dow. White House wags its finger. Michigan’s squirt gun priest and your cat is a stone cold killer. These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford.
info_outline Overnight Underground News May 14th 2020 05/14/2020
Overnight Underground News May 14th 2020 The Overnight Underground Podcast, first the headlines: Unemployment rises. Michigan readies for more protests. Burr under investigation. Is mouthwash the next Covid placebo and Gretta Thunberg joins a panel of covid experts on CNN. These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford. Unemployment spikes again Another week, more brutal unemployment numbers. Last week saw another three million , bringing the total to a whopping thirty six and a half million in the last two months. Yesterday, Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell painted a rather picture of the economy, Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell sounding like he’s ready to take a leisurely stroll down to the east river and jump off the Brooklyn bridge. But Powell wasn’t all death and destruction, he still believes the economic turnaround will come and that the Fed will do all it can to help. I guess we need more bailouts for those in need, like lobbyists and our corporate overlords. The Doctor of Doom Doctor Richard Bright, the man who has become affectionately known as the , is warning the US and the world that we are in for “deep sh*t.” Doctor Richard Bright responding to the country being unprepared during the coronavirus pandemic. Well isn’t he just all sweetness and light. Doctor Bright later went on to say, “I believe we could have done better. believe there were critical steps that we did not take in time.” President Trump has called Doctor Bright, a vaccine expert who led a biodefense agency in the Department of Health and Human Services, essentially a disgruntled employee. Armed Michigan protesters return to Lansing Those armed Michigan protesters will be at it again in the states capitol today. is reporting that there will be a large police presence in Lansing as protesters challenge Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer's stay-at-home order. With one of the strictest stay at home orders in the nation, the Governor has extended what the protesters see as a draconian law, until at least May twenty eighth. Gretchen Whitmer on CNN. I do believe the Michigan Governor just invoked law. Wisconsin Supreme court shuts down stay at home order Meanwhile just across the lake in Wisconsin, the Wisconsin Supreme Court struck down their Governors stay-at-home order. The reports that this would be the first time a statewide order like this has been tossed by a court of last resort. The overturning of the lock-down was passed by a four to three decision and was written by four of the court’s conservatives. Justice Rebecca Bradley compared the social distancing rule to Japanese being interned in concentration camps in world war two. I think we need a new kind of Goodwin's law, except it’s pit in play when anyone brings up Japanese internment camps. Personally, I think the entire state should be placed under house arrest immediately and indefinitely and hey, why the hell not, let’s do it all without due process. Burr has phone snatched by Feds Senator Richard Burr, the North Carolina Republican who chairs the Senate Intelligence Committee, is under investigation for insider trading. The reports Burr was forced to hand over his smart phone to the feds. He’s under suspicion of insider trading that allegedly took place ahead of the market crash at the start of the coronavirus crisis. Burr had sold off roughly one point seven million dollars in publicly traded stocks. He was among a handful of lawmakers who received confidential briefings on the virus from health officials. Mouthwash and covid The next wacky thing you can do to help stop the spread of coronavirus? Let’s spin the wheel o quackery. If you picked mouthwash, step right up and spit in the cup. According to an article on and a few other sources, oral rinses may damage the virus's protective membrane and at least some scientists are calling for an immediate study of the effects on covid from mouthwash. The World Health Organization has gone on record saying that there is not evidence that mouthwash inhibits coronavirus. Next up, look for idiots to make Listerine the next massive shortage right behind toilet paper in the grocery store. Bleach, cigarettes, lights inside your nose and now mouthwash. What will they think of next? This article was brought to you courtesy of 'The Mouthwash Manufacturers of ‘Mercia'. Greta now a coronavirus expert Twitter users went absolutely apoplectic on Wednesday over the appointment of Gretta Thunberg to . Well it should be. Ya gotta’ wonder, at seventeen how could the climate and environmental activist from Sweden be an expert at anything, other than maybe navel gazing. How the hell did she become an expert on virology? Has she even finished high school? Dear Gretta has as much insight and depth into coronavirus as a puddle.
info_outline Overnight Underground Weekend Roundup for 05-09-2020 05/09/2020
Overnight Underground Weekend Roundup for 05-09-2020 A look back at the past week on The Overnight Underground Podcast and things you should know, things you might not know and quite assuredly, things you wish you had never heard. With your host, John Ford.