info_outline
Coronaphobia and My Lust for Nose Flesh
03/09/2020
Coronaphobia and My Lust for Nose Flesh
You know that feeling you get when you're standing in a Walmart during a well-publicized virus outbreak staring at empty shelves where the Purell used to be? It's really not that different than when I was at a birthday party when I was five. All the kids had gone in the house for cake without me noticing. A tinge of panic sets in when you realize you're separated from the heard and small brown stain forms on your Batman underwear. Our newfound post-apocalyptic society is now divided into two groups: Those with hand sanitizer and those without—the “Purells” and the “Purenots.” Of course those without will end up killing us all. It's the age-old story that the have nots shouldn't be trusted because they want what you have. In this case, Purell. To get by in the new world order I dab small amounts of isopropyl alcohol behind my ears to give the false impression I'm a “Purell.” “Do I smell hand sanitizer?” they ask. “Why, yes!” I beam. Yet to admit that you have Purell is to risk losing it. I've got two kids and I'm not about to chance orphaning them out of selflessness. At this point, it's every germaphobe for themselves. If I were one of the lucky ones, I'd probably hide my Purell in a whisky flask or the hollowed out dildo I keep to hide my smaller dildos in. A quick look around town this week and it was clear my opportunity to horde hand sanitizer had passed. Although yesterday the Canadian Tire in a town called Humbolt had 2 small bottles of aloe vera-scented bottles of Purell still in stock, according to the web site. I thought about making the two-hour-plus trip but the roads weren't great due to a snow storm and you have to balance your risk in this new reality in which the world has gone to shit. I checked Amazon was happy to see Purell available there. One option from a third-party seller even claimed to be 20% off, now selling for just $60 per small bottle. I'd sell my body on the street to pay for it but I hate having sex with disgusting strangers without any Purell around. People are now hording toilet paper in some Canadian cities. Footage on the evening news shows slack-jawed Albertans exiting Costco with carts full of toilet paper. Soon a black market will emerge and we'll be bartering for it one roll at a time out of the back of a Buick while clenching our anuses trying to hold in that brown volcano. I'm less worried about this because I have a bidet. All I need is a hair dryer mounting my my toilet bowel to strike my anus and I'm set. Since the bidet, I only use toilet paper for dabbing the water dry. My ass is so clean you'll me walking with the confident stride of a “Purell.” In the unlikely event I might eventually acquire hand sanitizer, the first thing I will do is pick my nose. I'd kill to be touching it now but it's forbidden flesh! How Bible! But with the Coronavirus no doubt thriving on my unsanitized finger tips, I have to be diligent and resist every urge, night and day. One day, my friends, the sun will come out, the masks will come off and shelves will be flush with toilet paper and hand sanitizer once again. I'll sit on the beach under the warm rays and scratch my schnoz without a worry in the world. Until then, keep your underwear clean!
/episode/index/show/sneeze/id/13477643
