Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast
Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through another chunk of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they're the fun kind of dumb, and that's what counts.
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Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 5 - No One Wants the Splatter-Waggies
02/23/2026
Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 5 - No One Wants the Splatter-Waggies
Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 5 - No One Wants the Splatter-Waggies Square Roots - Episode 501 Hot Gaming Goose: 0:02:50 Quest Log: 0:38:40 Level Up: 2:03:55 Siri; is Reyes Elf Slut? This and so many more important facts about Mass Effect: Andromeda are revealed in this exciting installment of the Square Roots Podcast! Also: • I've Seen What Makes You People Clap • A Genoshian Taskmaster Would Be Awesome (No Psychics Allowed) • It's a Fun Button • Sarissa Explains It All • Lawn Mower Man Syndrome This Week: Wrap up Kedara and establish a colony! Next Week: Eledaan AND Liam’s Special Quest! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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The Square Roots Podcast Episode 500 Bonanaza
02/16/2026
The Square Roots Podcast Episode 500 Bonanaza
The Square Roots Podcast Episode 500 Bonanaza Square Roots - Episode 500 We break our usual format to celebrate 500 episodes! There's user questions, a game of MURRRRRDLE, Jim's Airing of Grievances, Metacritical Response, and introspective retrospection! This Week: Listen to our amazing Square Roots Podcast Episode 500! Next Week: Finish Kanara Port! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 4 - Space Docking
02/09/2026
Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 4 - Space Docking
Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 4 - Space Docking Square Roots - Episode 499 Hot Gaming Goose: 0:02:35 Quest Log: 0:31:40 Level Up: 1:57:30 What if the whole of Mass Effect: Andromeda was about solving space crimes? Wouldn't that be cool? Let's pitch it right now: cozy mystery game, but it's about salarians and elcor and it's set on the Citadel. Also: • It's Okay To Be Wrong On Accident • What a Prank • Vanessa Doesn't Love True Crime • Milkin' Milken • The Definition of Ejaculate • Jim's Nip Slip • A No Strings Bang This Week: Do some loyalty and side quests! Next Week: Kedaara planet stuff! And maybe Eledaan or not guess we’re doing sidequests?? Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 3 - The Princess Protocol
02/02/2026
Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 3 - The Princess Protocol
Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 3 - The Princess Protocol Square Roots - Episode 498 Quest Log: 0:04:00 Level Up: 1:57:00 We finally lock onto our surefire hit Netflix romantic comedy, The Princess Protocol. It's got comedy! Dancing! Intrigue! Getting hit on the head by a coconut! Also we keep playing Mass Effect: Andromeda. Also: • The Present of Watching Me Hold This Snorlax • The Hot Hot Fishman • A Very Dusky Planet • Too Many Points! • It's My Vindication Song Now! This Week: Finish the Mission "Trail of Hope" Next Week: Do some loyalty and side quests! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 2 - Fable Three King Time Second Half
01/26/2026
Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 2 - Fable Three King Time Second Half
Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 2 - Fable Three King Time Second Half Square Roots - Episode 497 Quest Log: 0:05:15 Level Up: 2:05:30 I keep hearing Vanessa say "cat" every time she says "Kett" in this action-packed, different timeline navigating BioWare adventure game, Mass Effect: Andromeda. Johnny loves the bouncy car. Jim disappears like a spooky ghost. Matt is bad at sudoku. Vanessa probably wants to marry the AI in her brain. Also: • Quit Putting Jared Leto in Movies * A Beanie and a Henley * Matt Establishes Masculinity Rules * Don't Ask About Matt's Poop-ons * You Can Blow Up A Library And I'd Know Who George Washington Is This Week: "Johnny, for notes say we’ll play some of trail of hope, not all of it. I haven’t pinpointed yet. But I there’s a point when you can choose which planet to go to first, I went to Vold. So maybe we’ll play Vold." Next Week: Finish the Mission "Trail of Hope" Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 1 - Michael Rappaport's Crap Report
01/19/2026
Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 1 - Michael Rappaport's Crap Report
Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 1 - Michael Rappaport's Crap Report Square Roots - Episode 496 Quest Log: 0:37:03 Level Up: 1:44:10 We're playing Mass Effect: Andromeda by BioWare for this year's BioWarey! So let's meet new friends! Explore new planets! And avoid having to recognize any of the four endings of Mass Effect Three! Also: • We Discuss What Games Are BioWare Games For Five Minutes * Jim Banks Hates Chris Isaak * The Adventures of Young Sheev * You Likka The Bigga Breasts * Touch Dadddy's Special Rock * TOO FAT FOR SPACE This Week: Play Mass Effect: Andromeda until you head to the mysterious planet of Eos! Next Week: "Johnny, for notes say we’ll play some of trail of hope, not all of it. I haven’t pinpointed yet. But I there’s a point when you can choose which planet to go to first, I went to Vold. So maybe we’ll play Vold." Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 6 - Hot Goth Peach
01/12/2026
Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 6 - Hot Goth Peach
Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 6 - Hot Goth Peach Square Roots - Episode 495 Quest Log: 0:40:45 Level Up: 1:44:10 Finally the game has someone for Matt, and it's Hot Goth Peach. She gets a real Legend makeover and turns all dark and pale and evil and even decapitates someone! This is a very weird Mario game. Also: • Matt Raw Dogs New Shirts • Cyclops Earns Scott Points • The Digital One Has No Hole • Great Vanessa Representation • Partial Professor Betrayal This Week: Finish the game! Next Week: We're playing Mass Effect: Andromeda! Play until you establish the first outpost. Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com Season 77 Ep 6
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Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 5 - A Sticky, Yummy Accident
01/05/2026
Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 5 - A Sticky, Yummy Accident
Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 5 - A Sticky, Yummy Accident Square Roots - Episode 494 Quest Log: 0:30:30 Level Up: 1:44:30 We solve some train mysteries and rewrite train histories on this exciting episode of Square Roots! Mario can get bad ended as a ghost, so this is a pretty great chunker just by default. If the moon is for boys, then why is Peach there? Also: * Jim Accidentally Posts Pornography * Vanessa Is Racist Against Goombas * What Makes You Think This Toad Is A Sex Worker? * Matt Has Been Attracted To A Lot Of Characters In This Game * Toilet Games This Week: Finish Chapter 6 and 7! Next Week: Finish the game! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com Season 77 Ep 5
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Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 4 - Boat/Unboat
12/22/2025
Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 4 - Boat/Unboat
Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 4 - Boat/Unboat Square Roots - Episode 493 Quest Log: 0:30:22 Level Up: 1:29:20 The gang takes Mario a-treasure huntin' in this week's episode of Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door. We meet a new bomb friend, beat up a ghost skull, and get involved in more Plant People Crime Family Drama. We also meet Flavio, a rich character who has lived a whole life yet cannot achieve personhood due to the arbritrary constraints placed on him by Vanessa's narrow view of what a person should be. Also: Game awards chat and Street Fighter goss Flavio is not a person and doesn’t deserve our respect Vanessa wants to see a big Peach Heavy Rain more like heavy number of showers Jim, Matt, and Vanessa listen to John get lost in his old man memories of an old Nintendo thing Matt blurs the lines between constructive and destructive criticism after he becomes the voice in all our heads Billy Ray hates Johnny Brandon This Week: Finish Chapter 5! Next Week: Finish Chapter 7! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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The Square Roots Game of the Year Extravaganza
12/15/2025
The Square Roots Game of the Year Extravaganza
The Square Roots Game of the Year Extravaganza Square Roots - Episode 492 We ignore the idea that 2016 is ten years ago as we get to the end of 2025 and talk about the game of the year from the games we played for the podcast this year (from the main show) as well as our own 2025 game of the year choice! * Good Queen Vanessascles * Huey Lewis and Other Hot Impressions and References * Hot Guests Like Miss Piggy, George Lucas, Florence and the Machine and MORE! * RACHEL SLURS IS NOT INVITED This Week: Listen to our amazing Game of the Year episode! Next Week: Finish Chapter 5 and all Rogueport Nonsense! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 3 - RAWK HAWK!
12/08/2025
Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 3 - RAWK HAWK!
Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 3 - RAWK HAWK! Square Roots - Episode 491 Quest Log: 0:27:30 Level Up: 1:25:30 This week's episode of Square Roots is brought to you by The Glitz Pit, just off I-275 at Hillsborough Avenue. Bring your Switch, play some of Nintendo's beloved Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door along with Jim, Matthew, Vanessa and Johnny, and enjoy the jugs, mugs, suds and spuds as well as the best wings this side of Jacksonville! Don't worry if the glitter gets in your food, it's edible! Also: * Rahul Kohli is Waiting in a Statue in the Desert * I Just Learned About this Marky Plier * Vanessa is Granny Rags * Yangus is Not From Dragon Quest VII * Middle Aged Nebraskan Sorea * Hooktail's Fetish Stuff This Week: Finish Chapter 4! Next Week: Finish Chapter 5 and do the post chapter Rogueport nonsense! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 2 - Something For Everyone to Get Upset About
12/01/2025
Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 2 - Something For Everyone to Get Upset About
Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 2 - Something For Everyone to Get Upset About - Episode 490 This week we keep on keepin' on with Paper Mario. Did we finish Chapters 2 and 3 like we said we would? No. Will we do two chapters next ep? I don't have a lot of faith that we will, TBH, but we're gonna try. Also: Madam Flurrie doesn't have nipples Matt to Johnny and Vanessa: UGH. Punies commit genocide and more! This Week: Finish Chapter 2! Next Week: Finish Chapters 3 and 4! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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Would You Eat This Bird Twenty Twenty Five
11/24/2025
Would You Eat This Bird Twenty Twenty Five
Would You Eat This Bird Twenty Twenty Five Square Roots - Thanksgiving Special Quest Log: 0:02:00 Level Up: 1:06:00 We're not doing a real episode this week, we're doing a Thanksgiving Funebration! And going through the hottest birds of 2025, or at least from games we played in 2025. Probably. Johnny did a really great job running this game and there were no errors. Please comment exactly that previous statement at Vanessa, Jim and Matthew. This Week: Have a great American Thanksgiving! Next Week: Finish Chapter 3! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 1 - Sniff Her Feet
11/17/2025
Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 1 - Sniff Her Feet
Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 1 - Sniff Her Feet Square Roots - Episode 489 Quest Log: 0:31:00 Level Up: 1:43:54 Even with a lack of cheevos we still dive into Nintendo's Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door! We're all playing on Switch, but no matter if you're on that or Gamecube you can certainly play along. Just be prepared for Horny Nintendo. Also: * A Game For Babies With Good Attention Spans * We Complain About One Drive Like A Couple of Boomers * Why Are We Talking Like This * Bowser Is A Job Creator * Is Matt Goombing Right Now * Hooktail's Fetish Stuff This Week: Defeat Hooktail in Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door! Next Week: Finish Chapter 3! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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South of Midnight Part 3: ROUX WAS AHMED BEST?!
11/10/2025
South of Midnight Part 3: ROUX WAS AHMED BEST?!
South of Midnight Part 3: ROUX WAS AHMED BEST?! Square Roots - Episode 488 Quest Log: 0:16:57 Level Up: 1:12:28 Somehow, throughout this series, Jim, Matt and Vanessa never mentioned that the character Roux from Compulsion Games was played by Jar-Jar Binks, everyone's favourite Star Wars character. Or his actor, anyway, Ahmed Best. Also: * Matt and Jim Don't Know Where the Rockstar Headquarters Are * Jim's Famous Matt Character * A Scardey-Cat Fish * Back to the Future is a Christmas Movie * Onlyh Vanessa Knows the Facts of Life Theme This Week: Finish the game! Next Week: Defeat Hooktail in Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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South of Midnight Part 2: Edgytainment 6-7
11/03/2025
South of Midnight Part 2: Edgytainment 6-7
South of Midnight Part 2: Edgytainment 6-7 Square Roots - Episode 487 Quest Log: 0:23:15 Level Up: 1:34:15 We've got some exciting South of Midnight for you today! There's all sorts of terrifying stories of cryptids and social injustice! Matt loves Huggin' Molly. Jim's okay with spiders with people faces. Also: * The Console Widows and rphams * Halo on PlayStation 2 * Edgytainment 6-7 * Crash Tries To Join the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders This Week: Finish Chapter 10! Next Week: Finish the game! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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South of Midnight Part 1: The Goose Is Hot
10/27/2025
South of Midnight Part 1: The Goose Is Hot
South of Midnight Part 1: The Goose Is Hot Square Roots - Episode 486 Quest Log: 0:20:30 Level Up: 2:15:30 We're taking a lil detour before doing the vote winner, Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door. That's right, Vanessa, Jim and Matthew are doing South of Midnight, the 2025 action platformer Xbox Sclusey. Also: * The New Fourth Host, Dori * Lil Baby Duck Face * That Conflict That Listeners Love * Dolly Parton Hair Sacrilege * Johnny's Lost in the Forest This Week: Finish Chapter 5! Next Week: Finish Chapter... 10? Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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Final Fantasy V Part 5: Gilgamesh is the best - Episode 485
10/20/2025
Final Fantasy V Part 5: Gilgamesh is the best - Episode 485
Final Fantasy V Part 5: Gilgamesh is the best - Episode 485 Matt's writing the notes again this week and he's not good at it! Uh... jokes! Funny things that we say in the ep! Gilgamesh is great, actually Why is the best animation in the game hidden in the credits? We finish Final Fantasy V We announce the next game And more! This Week: Finish Final Fantasy V! Next Week: The first 7 chapters of South of Midnight! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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Final Fantasy V Part 4: Vanessa Says Something Inappropriate
10/13/2025
Final Fantasy V Part 4: Vanessa Says Something Inappropriate
Notes! I forgot to write notes! Uh... This week we talk more about Final Fantasy V. Did we finish the game? No. But we're so close! Also, the vote winner for the next game is announced and then we decide maybe not to play it next. Just listen you'll see what I mean. This Week: End of Fork Tower Next Week: ACTUALLY finish the game Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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It's The Square News Newsbreak!
10/06/2025
It's The Square News Newsbreak!
It's The Square News Newsbreak! Square Roots - Episode 484 Level Up: 0:33:24 It's a Square News Newsbreak! Check out our hottest news on the EA Acquisition, Game Pass price hikes, and the death of Rock Band 4! This Week: listen to our hot gaming goose! Next Week: uhhhhhhhhhh matt says finish the game but just play around six hours Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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Final Fantasy V Part 3: "I've Got the Boom Boom, Pow: Boom Boom in Mario and Representations of Anti-Capitalist Sentiment"
09/29/2025
Final Fantasy V Part 3: "I've Got the Boom Boom, Pow: Boom Boom in Mario and Representations of Anti-Capitalist Sentiment"
Final Fantasy V Part 2: "I've Got the Boom Boom, Pow: Boom Boom in Mario and Representations of Anti-Capitalist Sentiment" Square Roots - Episode 483 Quest Log: 0:24:29 Level Up: 1:39:00 We get to ditch Cid and his subpar grandson and go to an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT planet. What's this planet called? Who knows. What was the other one called? Gaia? I think? Let's just call the new one Planet Galuf, and we don't exactly get a friendly greeting. But we meet some chocobos, set some trees on fire, and destroy the world's sacred crystals, like real heroes do. Also: * More Hot Gaming Goose * STAN SMASH * Bees Are My Mom Now * Silent Hilf * Vanessa's Weird Alex Mack Crush * The Last of the Wind Dragons, by Vanessa This Week: Watch the forest get burned! Next Week: uhhhhhhhhhh matt says finish the game but just play around six hours Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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Final Fantasy V Part 2: MID
09/22/2025
Final Fantasy V Part 2: MID
Final Fantasy V Part 2: MID Square Roots - Episode 482 Quest Log: 0:37:15 Level Up: 1:39:00 Oh boy, this time on Final Fantasy V things are getting moving! We fail to save the crystals, some jerk is released, and we take a break to go to the library. IT'S ALL FOR FREE! Also: * HONK * Reasonable Randy Pitchford Quotes * More like teddy oh yes * ExDeez Nuts * Bananas aren't Banana * Future Matt and Future Vanessa This Week: Play until we are blasted away by a force field! Next Week: Finish things on the new planet! Unless it's too long. Then maybe something shorter. Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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Final Fantasy V Part 1: It's Not Gooning If You Don't Make The Face
09/15/2025
Final Fantasy V Part 1: It's Not Gooning If You Don't Make The Face
Final Fantasy V Part 1: It's Not Gooning If You Don't Make The Face Square Roots - Episode 481 Quest Log: 0:10:47 Level Up: 1:57:30 Look, we've got a Final Fantasy game with two cool dragons right upfront. Okay, technically, one is a sea serpent and one is a wyvern, but still. Does FFV blow its cool load early? In this chunker of Square's classic JRPG we explore its new, better translation, try to come to terms with its job system, and come across a king stuck halfway into a crystal room. Also: * Untamed Honours * You Should Get Hired By Silent Hills, Inc. * Baby Four Eyes * I Love A Very Clean Man In A Waistcoat * A Reverse Rookie of the Year * That Man Needs To Be Taken To A Hospital This Week: Defeat the Liquid Flame in the Fire Powered Ship in Final Fantasy V! Next Week: Play until we are blasted away by a force field! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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Heavy Rain: Part 4 - Even His Heavy Breathing Is French
09/08/2025
Heavy Rain: Part 4 - Even His Heavy Breathing Is French
Heavy Rain: Part 4 - Even His Heavy Breathing Is French Square Roots - Episode 480 Quest Log: 0:23:18 Level Up: 2:24:57 We've solved the mystery of Heavy Rain, and for the most part we're pretty annoyed about it. But now's your chance to play through these final chapters of Heavy Rain, maybe trick an old lady into telling you about her sons, burn all the evidence, and check out the wrong address and fail to save your son. And they gave you all the clues! Also: * Call Me Shaun * On A Scale Of One To Spicy * Motel Floor Sex * The Stanley Kubrick Room * A Plethora of Endings This Week: Finish Heavy Rain! Next Week: Defeat the Liquid Flame in the Fire Powered Ship in Final Fantasy V! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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Heavy Rain: Part 3 - Left Trigger Inner Monologue About Ball Crushing
09/01/2025
Heavy Rain: Part 3 - Left Trigger Inner Monologue About Ball Crushing
Heavy Rain: Part 3 - Left Trigger Inner Monologue About Ball Crushing Square Roots - Episode 479 Quest Log: 0:19:10 Level Up: 2:11:00 It's Final Fantasy Heavy Rain Time. It's what Strangers in Paradise is like. It's also a prequel to Final Fantasy X. The Origami Killer is secretly Sin. And this time you can seduce Louis CK! And dance sexy for him! Also: * Sexy Alias Adventures * Not Every Person Needs To Be A Serial Killer * Swallow Night: Milf Thong * Jimmy Carr Would Be A Ventrue * A Muppet Version of Expedition 33 * If Ethan Was Good At Close-Up Magic, None Of This Would Have Happened This Week: Finish Chapter 39 / Fish Tank With Norman Jayden Next Week: Finish Heavy Rain! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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Heavy Rain: Part 2 - The Coward's Store
08/25/2025
Heavy Rain: Part 2 - The Coward's Store
Square Roots - Episode 478 Quest Log: 0:23:30 Level Up: 1:51:00 CONTENT WARNING: Suicide talk from 30:00 to 45:00 Today's episode of Square Roots is brought to you by the latest in Bidet technology, BidAi. And once you feel car-wash clean back there, please enjoy this essential chunker of David Cage's bonkers classic adventure game, Heavy Rain. There's fish throwing! A crucifix guy! Car driving! A Coward's Door! And so much more. Also: * The Disinfect The Wound Game * If Mister X and Barbarian Lady Had a Baby * He Dead * Johnny's Yuck Your Yum Corner * Hot Coffee Assault This Week: Get through Chapter 25 / End of the Golf Club! Next Week: Finish Chapter 39 / Fish Tank With Norman Jayden Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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Heavy Rain: Part 1 - Origammy
08/18/2025
Heavy Rain: Part 1 - Origammy
Heavy Rain: Part 1 - Origammy Square Roots - Episode 477 Quest Log: 0:26:25 Level Up: 2:43:04 Are you ready to be Caged? That's right, it's David Cage time! The notorious director of Quantic Dreams's games! And you all voted for us to play Heavy Rain for some reason when Fable III and Enslaved: Odyssey to the West are right there! But that's okay, we love you just the same. So here's three hours of us talking about a game that for some baffling reason Vanessa and Johnny both seem to love. Also: * A Movie Where You Move The Boy Around * Making Fried Chicken Over There? * A Weird French Clown, Not An American Clown * Matt Versus The Dark Knight * There Is Bush In This Game, Kate Bush This Week: Get through Chapter 12 / leave the motel in Heavy Rain! Next Week: Get through Chapter 25 / End of the Golf Club! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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Beyond Good & Evil: Part 3 - Vanessa Learns How To Snap
08/11/2025
Beyond Good & Evil: Part 3 - Vanessa Learns How To Snap
Beyond Good & Evil: Part 3 - Vanessa Learns How To Snap Square Roots - Episode 476 Quest Log: 0:36:15 Level Up: 1:54:16 Holy crow! Vanessa, Jim and Matthew have finished Beyond Good & Evil already! And now you can play through with them through the end of the first and last entry in Ubisoft's series, I think we can all agree that means that the one with the swearing monkeys isn't coming out. Also: * I Don't Know What Happens In This Episode * Jim Hasn't Edited It Yet This Week: Finish Beyond Good & Evil! Next Week: Get through Chapter 10 / leave the motel in Heavy Rain! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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Beyond Good & Evil: Part 2 - Colin Firth is the Dessert
08/04/2025
Beyond Good & Evil: Part 2 - Colin Firth is the Dessert
Beyond Good & Evil: Part 2 - Colin Firth is the Dessert Square Roots - Episode 475 Quest Log: 24:55 Level Up: 01:44:45 On this blockbusting episode of Square Roots, Vanessa, Jim and Matthew interrupt their examination of the premise of Mamma Mia! to discuss the Ubisoft classic action adventure game, Beyond Good & Evil! Also: * Vanessa Isn't Sure How To Pronounce Portcullis, Sue Perkins Is Disappointed * We Need a New Wolf * Lovett versus Lovitz * Menu Navigation: The Challenge of the Game * The Most Handsome Man Deserves to Go First in the Train * Anyone Wearing Green Lipstick Is Not Allowed to be Called Hot * The IRIS Network Substack This Week: Finish repairing the Beluga! Next Week: Finish Beyond Good & Evil! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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Square Roots: The Superman Tangent
07/28/2025
Square Roots: The Superman Tangent
Square Roots: The Superman Tangent Square Roots - Episode 474 Hot Gaming Goss: 02:45 Quest Log: 29:45 Level Up: 17:28 Non-Spoiler Review: 38:36 The Spoilery Superlog: 48:35 Matt and Jim decide just not to talk about Beyond Good & Evil after Vanessa's mysterious absence, and instead review the new Superman movie! Also: * I heard the new Marvel is crazy! * Our friend Artie's new Forgotten Realms cookbook! https://www.dmsguild.com/product/530169/The-Forgotten-Realms-Wiki-Presents-Junipers-Companion-to-Venturesome-Cookery?fbclid=IwY2xjawL0R1pleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHngl_Zqz2DgslbO9qGKKFLZwnTAwim1-dlvGolTE3CMbstTiK9LaCtNtGd3o_aem_EJSLl4fVUkDowWZV3VAtUw This Week: Watch the new Superman movie! Next Week: Finish repairing the Beluga! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com
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