loader from loading.io

How to Deal with Your Racist Family + Friends

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

Release Date: 06/22/2020

How to REparent Yourself show art How to REparent Yourself

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

You have learned beliefs and patterns that you bring into your relationships with each other and yourself. Nothing is new. As children we’re very good at being in tune with our environment and very good at protecting ourselves to feel safe. Even if you had a good childhood, you learned ways of how to act by watching your caregivers, parents, siblings, cousins and their behaviors, beliefs and expectations. Reparenting is the act of giving yourself what you needed as a child.

info_outline
How to Generously listen to yourself (inner child meditation) show art How to Generously listen to yourself (inner child meditation)

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

This is a guided meditation to connect to your inner child. It is a simple and easy tool to create a ritual for yourself each day.

info_outline
Help for The People Pleaser show art Help for The People Pleaser

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

You don’t have to fix yourself You’re not broken. By feeling your feelings, you return to your wholeness. If you’re constantly fixing, numbing and ignoring in order to be happy, you will always be chasing this destination. Happiness is fleeting – just like any other emotion. By honoring Life’s ups and downs, being with yourself and feeling your feelings fully, you’ll be able to find happiness in the process, build worthiness in your new skills, and trust your resilience that you are brave, matur

info_outline
Self-forgiveness: How to Heal Wounds by Connecting With Your Inner Child show art Self-forgiveness: How to Heal Wounds by Connecting With Your Inner Child

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

The way we would talk to a child is so much different than we talk to our adult self. We’re harsh, judgmental and critical, but you would never be like that to a sweet young child. By connecting to the sweet little girl or boy in you, it’s easier to be kinder and softer to yourself. Creating a practice of self-forgiveness is one way you can begin to deepen your compassion towards yourself and expand your self-love. LMK if this is helpful: www.AudreySuttonMills.com. Join me for SOUL SCHOOL 10/5/2020

info_outline
4 Ways to Help When You Want to Quit show art 4 Ways to Help When You Want to Quit

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

Today, you'll learn 4 ways to help you combat your itty-bitty-shitty-committee when you get down in those dark places and want to quit. Your hardest times often lead to the greatest moments of your life. Don’t quit! You’re about to breakthrough. It’s happening. Keep going! LMK how this is helping you. Thank you for sharing, rating and reviewing this podcast! xo Audrey

info_outline
You're in Resistance When You're About to Transform show art You're in Resistance When You're About to Transform

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

This week’s mantra is: “I’m in resistance because I’m about to transform.”

info_outline
How to Stop Self-Sabotage show art How to Stop Self-Sabotage

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

Commit this week to being more mindful of when your subconscious brain takes over and hijacks the very thing you desire.

info_outline
How to Deal with Your Racist Family + Friends show art How to Deal with Your Racist Family + Friends

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

Learn 5 steps to deal with your triggers when it comes to your racist friends and family.

info_outline
Healing Birth Trauma with Andrea Wetterau show art Healing Birth Trauma with Andrea Wetterau

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

We all experience trauma, which is anything that creates a negative response in your body and mind. It happens when we feel we don’t have control or agency in our lives. Andrea Wetterau, EMDR perinatal therapist shared how to heal birth trauma. Thank you for sharing and reviewing and being here!

info_outline
You Can Multi-Task but You Can't Multi-Focus show art You Can Multi-Task but You Can't Multi-Focus

SOUL SCHOOL with Audrey

You don’t have to be all, do all for all. Actually it’s pretty impossible. You won’t do it all well.

info_outline
 
More Episodes

How to deal with your racist family and friends

I was asked by a good friend to do a podcast episode on the topic of how not to get triggered by our racist friends and family. We can all agree that we are a very divided country – we’ve been for a long time. And it doesn’t help that many people cling so tightly to their beliefs, don’t take responsibility and blame others which create a bigger chasm between us.

 

You may think of me as a calm yoga teacher, but I’m a very sensitive and emotional person. I cry a lot and can fly off the handle easily, especially when I deal with people I deem ignorant or mean.  

 

I think that’s why discussing politics, religion, race, sex or anything that is highly emotionally charged can be so confrontational, causing feuds at family gatherings.

 

Right now, we are going through some major historical events:

this global pandemic: those who are worried about health and those who are worried about businesses,

racial protests and riots – those who support black lives and those who support macy’s.

the fight for the rights of LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer) people -- some may totally be on board with equality and others not so much.

 

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but how do we NOT get triggered by those opinions that differ from ours?

 

I hate to break it to you, but you’ll never get rid of triggers, nor will you be able to stop the other person from triggering you.

 

Today on the podcast I’ll share with you 5 ways that help me deal with people who trigger the F out of me and see their different beliefs as portals to my own growth.

 

  1. Triggers are teachers.

In episode 80 I talk all about triggers. Triggers are all around us. We can’t avoid being activated by someone or something.

 

You know you’ve aligned with your ego when you feel inferior or superior to someone else. You’re stuck in comparison or judgement.

 

Rather than pointing the finger and being upset with that person, what are you learning about yourself and about them?

 

Our relationships are direct portals to our wounds,

and

awareness of our triggers can be portals to our growth.

 

If we can view our triggers as our greatest teachers, we can then heal our inner world to affect our outer world.

 

Ironically, we are most often highly triggered by those we care about or are closest to.

 

The challenging work is to watch and witness your thoughts. Most of our thoughts are recycled from our conditioned thinking.

 

We are triggered when the reality is not how we think it should be.

  

When I feel resentment, offended, hurt, or any kind of hot emotion, it’s an opportunity to turn inward, not lash outward.

 

Sit with the sensation so that the boiling emotion comes to a simmer.

 

Trying to avoid the sensation just creates more suffering.

  

In fact, reality has no emotional charge. The present moment is what it is.

An event.

A feeling.

Some words.

An action.

 

It’s us humans that create the emotional charge behind reality. Something about that thing activates something within.

 

Taking responsibility for how you show up and changing your beliefs by watching your thought patterns lead to freedom.

 

Anything that causes you to be in an emotional state is your spiritual teacher.

Invite them in.

 

  1. Detach from the outcome:

How do you detach from the outcome when you’re triggered, hurt and outraged at a friend’s beliefs and actions? It’s hard.

 

This is the work, my friend.

 

Detaching doesn’t mean you avoid the conversation or become numb or check out.

 

One of my favorite quotes is “When you’re upset, don’t eat.” Wait. No. That’s for another episode.

 

My favorite quote by Bryron Katie that I live by, especially when I’m triggered is, "There's your business, Other people's business and God's Business"

 

Most of the time I’m in someone else’s business that’s out of my control.

 

We spend too much energy replaying someone else’s actions and trying to influence someone else’s life, when in reality it’s their life and their choice of how they want to show up. We have no control over them.

 

Detach from the idea of converting anyone. You will never change anyone by forcing your own opinion and criticisms on them.

 

These battles about race, politics, humanity, and equality or any other disagreement are like a game of tug-of-war, where our Egos hold so tightly to what we believe to be true.

 

The more you pull and think you’re right, the harder the other person pulls to prove their right.

 

But…If you let go, you win.

 

The Ego wants to be right. Our heart wants to be understood.

 

  1. Intentionally listening

Ok so if you get that triggers can be teachers and you’re working on letting go, how do you make peace with the other person who is upsetting you?

 

LISTEN. Intentionally listen.

 

Rather than mentally formulating your next objection before the other person has finished their sentence, listen with the intention to hear their view. I know this is hard, especially when steam is fuming out of your ears and your heart is seething with rage. Come back to step 1. Triggers are your teachers. Right now, your teacher is guiding you to generously listen.

 

Instead of speaking AT your friend, speak to what she said so you can have a constructive conversation and learn from both ways vs locking down and having a blowup fight.

 

Just like you have particular beliefs that you’ve learned, she has too.

 

When you can detach from trying to change your friend or family, and can listen to understand their viewpoint and learn their background behind their beliefs, you will learn something about them you never knew.

 

  1. I saw this on @southasians4blacklives and loved this point: Instead of calling them out, call them in

Our Ego wants to be right, by trying to convert them, or point out their flaws and prove why they’re wrong or how they’re a bad person. This only makes the other person defend who they are even harder.

 

No one wants to feel judged, wrong or unimportant.

 

Once you take the tug out of the tug-of-war, they feel seen, understood and significant.

 

Everyone wants that.

 

When they feel seen and heard, they’ll be more open to listening to you too. Their wall to defend themselves has come down a bit, and so has yours.

 

Sometimes they won’t be open or they’re just rude to the core, and, you know what, that’s a different choice (like a long term) choice you may need to make about your relationship and the boundaries you extend to that person.

 

But if they’re in your life to stay, like your good friend or a family member, and if you think they’re a good person and you would like to keep them in your life, why not make it pleasant as possible and stay open to learn from each other.

 

So instead of calling them out, call them in. Rather than pointing out their shortcomings, share with them your personal experiences, your own blind spots and what you have learned that they may not know.

 

By focusing on you and inviting them in to see your vulnerability and transformation, this may help them be less defensive and more open to learning about their own blind spots.

 

Hopefully by staying open and communicating from your heart space of loving on them, instead of your Ego that wants to perfect and prove, they also become teachers and share what they learn with others.

 

  1. See this is as practice


In Sanskrit Svadyaya means “self-study.”

 

The real yoga starts when you leave your mat and get into the world.

 

Each step forward is really just a step deeper into yourself.

 

Every relationship is a mirror to teach us something about yourself.

 

Instead of preaching,

controlling or forcing your opinion,

see these moments of fury as opportunities to stay open,

intentionally listen

so you can learn about the other person

(and about yourself)

and fine tune your communication skills

 

By sharing from your heart,

rather from the Ego,

your light will inspire them to do the same.

 

And if it doesn’t,

then you will have changed

for the better because of it

 

This is the real Yoga.

 

to stay present to the simmer

pause in stillness,

listen with intention to hear both sides,

study yourself so you can know yourself

and speak from your heart

and

be the change you wish to see in the world.

 

I love hearing from you on my blog + instagram! How has this helped you?

 

If it has helped, I appreciate you sharing this with your friends.