I Shared My List - Number 50
Broken to Brave
Once in a while, we do something that marks a “before” and “after.” This list, for me, was one of those things. The defeated, desperate, broken person I was at the beginning is far from the determined, risk-taking, brave person who I became by number 50. Completing the list was scary, recording each podcast was scary, but none of that came close to the insane courage required for me to get through the terror of doing number 50...I Shared My List.
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I Drew Attention to Myself Physically - Number 49
Broken to Brave
So much of my life has been spent worrying about what other people think. I stressed over what people would think of how I was dressed, my hair, my makeup, my weight, my shoes, whether the colors I was wearing suited my complexion. I made myself as invisible as possible. Stepping out and doing my hair, makeup, and outfit and going out in public with people who knew me was a risk I avoided at all costs, which is how I found myself at number 49 on my list.... I drew attention to myself physically.
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I Watched the Live Feed at Take-Off and Landing - Number 48
Broken to Brave
When something is scary, we avert or close our eyes. We don’t watch. We don’t look at it. We close our eyes and wait for it to be over, right? So when I found out that what I feared most was about to be shown on a large screen in front of me, my first instinct was to close my eyes and wait for it to be over, but I didn’t, which is how I found myself doing number 48 on my list... I Watched the Live Feed at Take-Off and Landing
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I Approached a Group of Fans at the Pole - Number 47
Broken to Brave
Is there anything scarier than approaching a group as an outsider? For me, in the moment, I couldn’t think of anything harder to do. They were having fun and in mid-conversation. All I could think about was, “What if I interrupt and they stare at me awkwardly? What if I’m not welcome?” Forcing my legs to move me across the street and my brain to be quiet despite my terror is what led to number 47 on the list... I approached a group of fans at the pole.
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I Talked to Gillian Without a Shield - Number 46
Broken to Brave
I’ve spent my life hiding and so much of my list reflects that fact as I’ve repeatedly fought to break out of that pattern. It hasn’t gotten easier. I think some things have, the more I’ve been exposed to them, but not this. I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t push through my fear, yet again, and do number 46 on my list...talked to Gillian without a shield.
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I Went Out on the Deck of the Viewing Area at Tate Modern - Number 45
Broken to Brave
Maybe it was the adrenaline rush and momentum from riding the London Eye because, not long after, I found myself deciding to attempt yet another height related challenge. Our Airbnb host told us where to find one of the best views of the city which is how I found myself white knuckling it as I faced my fear and did number 45 on the list...I went out on the deck of the viewing area at Tate Modern.
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I Stood at the Window - Number 44
Broken to Brave
I could have stayed on the bench. I could have been content with just getting on the ride. It was a big step. It could have been enough, but then I wouldn’t know if I was capable of more. I wouldn’t have seen the view which looked so very different from the window. I wouldn’t have a shared experience with Rob and Molly, and I was really tired of the disconnect that comes when you live trapped in fear and anxiety. So I got off the bench and forced myself to do number 44 on the list... I stood at the wi
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I Rode the London Eye - Number 43
Broken to Brave
The one absolute I had when we were planning our trip to London was that I would not be riding the London Eye. Rob and Molly could go on together and I would wait for them safely on the ground where I belong. As soon as we approached it, though, I knew I couldn’t fall back into my old patterns. I knew I had to face my fear of heights and my fear that the ride was above water which is how I found myself doing number 43 on the list... I rode the London Eye.
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I Didn't Numb Out - Number 42
Broken to Brave
It seems there are endless ways to numb out these days. The problem is that it only prolongs the inevitable. We have to feel the feelings eventually whether we like it or not. Notice it, name it, feel it, and let it go was working to a point, but I seemed to get stuck or wanted to dull the residual pain with “treats” for having endured difficult feelings. Working the entire process and not reaching for my crutches, for the first time, was number 42 on my list...I didn’t numb out.
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I Got Tattoos - Number 41
Broken to Brave
Tattoos are a way of marking a moment or a feeling or an event. They tell a portion of our story. They are a visual reminder and I desperately needed a visual reminder that I am safe. That I can let go. To pick up that pen and write. Sounded easy enough until I remembered that to get that visual reminder I must first allow someone to inject my skin with ink and a needle. Facing my fear of both of those things is what led me to number 41 on my list...got tattoos.
info_outlineIt seems there are endless ways to numb out these days. We don’t have to look very far for ways to distract ourselves. The problem is that it only prolongs the inevitable. We have to feel the feelings eventually whether we like it or not. This was the last layer of the work I had been doing throughout this list. Notice it, name it, feel it, and let it go was working to a point, but I seemed to get stuck and/or prolonged the process or wanted to dull the residual pain with “treats” for having endured difficult feelings. Working the entire process and not reaching for my crutches, for the first time, was number 42 on my list... I didn’t numb out.
If you enjoyed this episode and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page. We give further background into the story and include the spouse's perspective. Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. Find the link below.
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