Addressing LGBTQ+ Adoption Stigmas with Tony Hynes - Ep 93

Are you an LGBTQ+ adoptive parent or adoptee in need of support and resources? Look no further! Tony Hynes has the solution for you to connect with a community and discover valuable resources to support your family. Join the growing network of LGBTQ+ adoptive families and find the resources you need to thrive.

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In this episode, you will be able to:

• Gain insights into challenges experienced by LGBTQ+ adoptive families in today's society.

• Understand the crucial role of purposeful communication in adoptive families.

• Tackle difficult topics such as separation, grief, and loss within adoptive family relationships.

• Find valuable support resources catering to the unique needs of LGBTQ+ adoptive families.

• Delve into the intersections of a child's identity in adoptive family settings.

My special guest is Tony Hynes

With lived experience overcoming obstacles faced by LGBTQ+ adoptive families, Tony Hynes has become a respected and sought-after voice in the community. Tony's personal journey as an interracial adoptee with lesbian parents has equipped him with invaluable insights into the challenges LGBTQ+ adoptive families face in today's society. His dedication to supporting and empowering others in their quest to build loving homes for their children has made him a trusted ally for countless families.

Tony’s Contact Info & Resources:

• Tony’s Book: The Son With Two Moms: https://amzn.to/42yJs6e

• Tony’s Articles: 

• • Why We Shouldn’t Call Adoptees “Lucky”: https://catapult.co/stories/essay-adopted-why-we-shouldnt-call-adoptees-lucky-tony-hynes

  • I Am the Black Adoptee of White Parents: What George Floyd Taught Me About Race and the Adoption Industry: https://medium.com/hynes-on-adoption/i-am-the-black-adoptee-of-white-parents-what-george-floyd-taught-me-about-race-and-the-adoption-5052180d8b56  

• Tony’s Email: [email protected]

• Find Tony on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tony_hy/

Resources mentioned in this episode:

• Check out Tony Hynes' other interviews on adoption-related podcasts, including:

• • Lori Holden's Adoption: the Long View: https://www.adopting.com/adoption-podcasts/adoption-the-long-view/adoption-in-interracial-lgbtq-families

  • Angela Tucker's The Adoptee Next Door: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLiDXe4qnn8

  • Simon Benn's Thriving Adoptees Podcast: https://thriving-adoptees.simplecast.com/episodes/belonging-with-tony-hynes-interracial-adoptee-training-specialist

  • Three Sides to Every Adoption: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENzs7fdEClM

• Support the Center for Adoption Support and Education (C.A.S.E.), where Tony Hynes works as a training specialist, by making a donation or participating in their training programs. https://adoptionsupport.org/

• Find an LGBTQ+-affirming Unitarian Universalist Church: https://www.uua.org/lgbtq/welcoming/ministers

• Other Organizations that Support  LGBTQ+ Families that Tony Mentions:

• • Rainbow Families: https://rainbowfamilies.org/

  • Family Equality: https://www.familyequality.org/

  • COLAGE (Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere): https://colage.org/

  • PFlag (Parents & Friends of Lesbians and Gays): https://pflag.org/

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Other Resources:

• APtitude Support Group for Adoptive Parents Facing Adoption’s Challenges: UnravelingAdoption.com/APtitude

• Other Parents Like Me -  https://www.facebook.com/other.parents.like.me

• Heather Ross - Life Coaching for Parents of Addicted Teens: https://heatherrosscoaching.com/

• Find a Tele-Therapist: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/online-counseling

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Unraveling Adoption is produced and hosted by Beth Syverson

Music written and performed by Joseph Nakao

Email questions or comments to [email protected]

Find us on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube

Support UnravelingAdoption on Patreon: Patreon.com/UnravelingAdoption

www.UnravelingAdoption.com

 

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Episode Summary:

Intersectionality of Racism and Homophobia
For interracial children adopted by LGBTQ+ parents, growing up and navigating their identity is shaped by both the racial and sexual orientation aspects of their family. In Tony Hynes' experience, he had to contend with not only being a black child adopted by white parents, but also having two moms. This led to numerous questions from classmates and acquaintances. He faced negative comments during his college years that caused him to reconsider some of his friend relationships. Tony's experience demonstrates the importance of understanding and appreciating the intersectionality of race and sexual identity in adoption.

It is crucial for potential LGBTQ+ adoptive parents to understand the possible hardships they may face while embarking on their adoption journey and to be prepared to address these issues with the support of a strong community and educational resources. Guest Tony Hynes shares that his adoption was facilitated by his two moms, Mary and Janet, with only one being the legal guardian due to the restrictions placed on LGBTQ+ couples. The family experienced various challenges tied to sexual orientation and race, such as receiving unwarranted stares and experiencing discrimination. Despite these trying times, Tony emphasizes the importance of love, support, and perseverance within his family structure.

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Timestamped Summary of This Episode:
00:00:00 - Introduction,
Host Beth Syverson introduces the podcast and the guest, Tony Hynes, a training specialist at C.A.S.E. and an African American interracial adoptee raised by white lesbian parents. They discuss the complexities of adoption and aim to help anyone touched by adoption.

00:02:07 - Adoption by a Gay Couple,
Tony Hynes discusses his experience being adopted in the mid-90s by his mothers, Mary and Janet, who were a same-sex couple. As gay marriage was not legal at the time, Mary adopted Tony as a single parent, and Janet was his legal guardian. LGBTQ+ adoptive parents often face biases from adoption agencies and social workers.

00:06:51 - Early Awareness of Differences,
Tony Hynes recalls being aware of his family's differences from a young age, being black with white parents and having two moms. He recounts the stares and judgment they faced from strangers and the challenges they faced when the initial adoption was overturned due to people's biases against their family structure.

00:11:09 - Intersectionality of Race and Homophobia,
Tony Hynes notes that the biases against his family structure were linked to both race and homophobia. His birth family didn't want him raised in a white household, and his grandmother thought it was a sin to raise a child in an LGBTQ+ household. He emphasizes the ongoing fight for LGBTQ+ equality and the challenges faced by LGBTQ+ people in everyday life.

00:14:53 - Growing Up with Two Moms and Dealing with Prejudice,
Tony Hynes talks about his experience growing up with two lesbian mothers in the community he grew up in. He experienced prejudice from his step-great aunt's family.

00:18:31 - Dealing with Anti-LGBTQ+ Comments in College,
Tony recounts an experience in college where he apologized to a friend after a disagreement, and the friend responded by saying that they couldn't be friends anymore because of Tony's upbringing. The friend went on to say that being gay was a sin and that Tony's mother was going to go to Hell.

00:22:32 - The Problem with the "Sin" Argument,
Beth and Tony discuss the problematic argument that being gay is a sin and how it disrespects the humanity of LGBTQ+ individuals. Tony shares how it's important to be intentional about the friendships and communities he engages with to ensure that he is surrounded by people who respect and accept his family.

00:25:17 - Coming Out as a Child of LGBTQ+ Parents,
Tony talks about how children of LGBTQ+ parents sometimes have to come out themselves and make decisions about when and how to share information about their family. He shares how he sometimes has to make those decisions in his trainings, depending on the audience, to ensure that his message is heard.

00:29:24 - Challenges of LGBTQ+ Adoption,
The guest, Tony Hynes, talks about the challenges of raising an adopted child as an LGBTQ+ couple. The host, Beth Syverson, explains how her son faced bullying and homophobia because of having gay parents and being a transracial adoptee. Tony advises LGBTQ+ adoptive parents to talk about homophobia and civil rights for LGBTQ+ people, normalize LGBTQ+ friendships, and educate their children about societal backlash.

00:30:32 - Importance of Racial Mirrors and Representation,
Tony emphasizes the importance of racial mirrors and representation in interracial adoption. He suggests that adoptive parents should have books, movies, and cultural events that reflect the child's racial identity. Tony also advises parents to talk about racism and explain its impact on the child.

00:35:09 - Talking to Children about Homophobia,
Tony suggests that adoptive parents should be intentional about talking to their children about homophobia. He advises parents to role play and predict what might happen, educate their children about LGBTQ+ history, and normalize LGBTQ+ friendships. Tony also recommends parents to communicate effectively with their children and set boundaries against homophobic language.

00:39:35 - Importance of Proactive Parenting,
Tony stresses the importance of proactive parenting and open communication. He advises parents to bring up difficult topics such as racism and homophobia, educate their children, and role play how to handle challenging situations. Tony also shares his complex relationship with his birth family and highlights the lifelong journey of adoption.

00:43:55 - Growing Up with Lesbian Moms,
Tony Hynes reflects on his childhood with his introverted mom and how despite not attending Pride, his moms were supportive of rights for different populations. He shares that his moms were not perfect, and he now helps adoptive parents avoid making the same mistakes.

00:45:38 - Pressure to Be Perfect,
Tony discusses the pressure he felt to have his LGBTQ+ adoptive parents be seen as shining examples of a successful family, despite their imperfections. He urges adult children of LGBTQ+ parents to embrace the complexity of their family structure and not feel pressure to conform to societal norms.

00:48:21 - Resources for LGBTQ+ Adoptive Families,
Tony recommends several organizations that provide support and resources for LGBTQ+ adoptive families, such as Rainbow Families, Family Equality, Collage, PFlag, and C.A.S.E. He also encourages people to arm themselves with information about what's going on politically.

00:51:22 - The Importance of Love and Community,
Tony emphasizes the importance of loving each other and creating a supportive community for LGBTQ+ adoptive families. He stresses the need to address separation, grief, and loss in adoption, as well as the intersectionality of race and sexual identity in households.

00:53:20 - Final Thoughts,
Beth and Tony wrap up the conversation by encouraging listeners to share the episode with anyone who might benefit from the information and resources provided. They also invite listeners to join Beth's adoptive parent support group APtitude and support the podcast through Patreon.