Exposing the Dangers of Secrets & Lies with Greg Rostron - Ep 97

Discover how late discovery adoptee (LDA) Greg Rostron exposes the danger of secrets and lies for adoptees’ mental health in this compelling and emotional episode.

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In this episode, you will be able to:

• Discover the crucial role honesty plays in the adoption process.

• Understand the effects secrets, lies, trauma, and family dysfunction may have on the mental well-being of adoptees.

• Learn about the deep-rooted feelings of abandonment and rejection often experienced by adopted individuals.

• Gain insights into specialized therapy methods tailored for adoptees and adoptive parents.

• Recognize the potential hazards of secrecy and the advantages of engaging in support groups.

My special guest is Greg Rostron

Greg Rostron is a late discovery adoptee from Sydney, Australia, who has bravely embarked on a journey of personal growth and healing after uncovering the truth about his adoption. Having spent much of his life unaware of this pivotal information, Greg experienced firsthand the impact that secrets and lies can have on an adoptee's mental health. Since reading The Primal Wound a few years ago, Greg has dedicated himself to advocacy and sharing his powerful story, emphasizing the importance of transparency and open communication within adoptive families. By addressing his own challenges and struggles, Greg has become an inspiration for others who are grappling with similar revelations about their past.

The resources mentioned in this episode are:

• Seek therapy: It's a good idea for adoptive parents to seek therapy for themselves to work through any personal issues that may arise while raising an adopted child. And for adoptees, it's crucial to have therapeutic support available. Find adoptee therapists here: https://growbeyondwords.com/adoptee-therapist-directory/

• Join support groups: Adoptees should consider joining support groups or seeking out other adoptees to connect with and share their experiences. Here are a few support groups that Unraveling Adoption recommends:

• Adoptees Connect: https://adopteesconnect.com/

• Fireside Adoptees: https://www.facebook.com/fireside.adoptees.and.allies

• Post Adoption Support in New South Wales: https://www.benevolent.org.au/services-and-programs/post-adoption-services

• Male Adoptees Digital Meetup: https://www.maleadoptees.com/

• Adoption Knowledge Affiliates’ Men’s Adoptee Peer Support Group: https://www.adoptionknowledge.org/peer-support-groups.html

• Celia Center’s Male Adult Adoptee Adopt Salon Support Group: https://celiacenter.org/events-calendar-support-groups/

• Adoptees and adoptive parents can benefit from reading The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier: https://amzn.to/42C0TCa

•  This is the children's book about an adoptive family that Greg remembers from his childhood: Mister Fairweather and His Family by Margaret Kornitzer: https://www.biblio.com/book/mr-fairweather-his-family-kornitzer-margaret/d/644493426

• Email Greg: [email protected]

Other Resources:

• APtitude Support Group for Adoptive Parents Facing Adoption’s Challenges: UnravelingAdoption.com/APtitude

• Other Parents Like Me - oplm.com 

• Heather Ross - Life Coaching for Parents who have a child struggling with addiction: https://heatherrosscoaching.com/

• Adoptee-Therapist Directory: https://growbeyondwords.com/adoptee-therapist-directory/

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Unraveling Adoption is produced and hosted by Beth Syverson

Music written and performed by Joseph Nakao

Email questions or comments to [email protected]

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Support Unraveling Adoption on Patreon: Patreon.com/UnravelingAdoption

www.UnravelingAdoption.com

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The Importance of Sharing Information
Sharing information about adoption is vital for adoptees to understand their background and build a stronger sense of identity. Withholding information can lead to feelings of disconnection and a lifetime of unanswered questions, which only gets worse with time. It's crucial that adoptive families prioritize sharing information and remain open about it, even if it feels uncomfortable. During his conversation with Beth Syverson, Greg Rostron stressed the significance of sharing information about adoption with those affected by it. He----- encouraged people to record, document, and share as much information as possible while those who know the secrets are still around. It's important for adoptees to connect with their biological heritage and understand their story better.

Timestamped summary of this episode:
00:00:00 - Introduction,
The host, Beth Syverson, introduces the podcast episode and the guest, Greg Rostron, a late discovery adoptee from Sydney, Australia. She explains that Greg found out he was adopted when he was 28, and he remained in the "fog" for almost 4 decades until he read the book, The Primal Wound, in 2020.

00:01:28 - Childhood and Family,
Greg talks about growing up as an only child with his adoptive parents who were in their 40s and had suffered miscarriages and a stillbirth. His father was a lifelong alcoholic, and there was an attempted rape when Greg was a child. Everyone in his adoptive family knew he was adopted, but no one was willing to talk to him about it.

00:06:23 - Late Discovery,
Greg found out he was adopted at 28 when he needed a full birth certificate to get married in Switzerland. His adoptive father handed him a manila envelope with the word "adoption" on it, and Greg lost it. He got married anyway, acting as if nothing had happened, and then moved on with his life.

00:08:53 - Signs and Uncovering the Truth,
In hindsight, Greg realizes there were many signs that he was adopted that he just ignored as a child. He found out that his adoptive mother had some little girl's clothes in her wardrobe, and he never remembered her giving him a hug or telling him she loved him.

00:13:40 - The Gay Rumor and Emotional Abuse,
Greg shares how his father's rumored homosexuality affected his family and how his mother suffered emotional abuse during their marriage, as revealed in divorce papers.

00:15:08 - Keeping Secrets and Lies,
Greg talks about his adoptive parents' control issues and how his birth father lied to him about his adoption. He shares his conflicted feelings about attending his father's 100th birthday celebration with his half-siblings.

00:19:25 - Lack of Attunement,
Greg reflects on the lack of emotional attunement between himself and his adoptive mother, which manifested in numerous ways throughout his life.

00:22:08 - Mental Health and Primal Wound,
Greg discusses how adoption can affect mental health and how reading The Primal Wound helped him understand his own experiences. He also shares two instances where he experienced suicidal thoughts due to triggers related to abandonment and rejection.

00:25:49 - Adoption and Trauma,
Greg emphasizes the impact adoption has had on his life, relationships, and mental health. He acknowledges that even the best adoptive parents cannot fully mitigate the trauma of being relinquished, and that healing is a lifelong process.

00:27:41 - Engineers and Therapy,
Beth and Greg discuss the stereotype of engineers not seeking therapy and how Greg's mental health struggles led him to therapy. They also discuss the importance of finding a therapist who is trauma-informed and adoption-competent.

00:33:01 - Therapy Costs and Alternatives,
Greg shares that therapy can be expensive and unaffordable for some, but there are NGOs and support groups that offer free counseling. He also recommends seeking out adoption-competent therapy for adoptees, adoptive parents, and birth parents.

00:35:57 - Male Adoptee Support,
Beth and Greg discuss the lack of male adoptee support groups and the importance of men having a safe space to talk about their experiences. Greg shares his positive experiences in support groups with women and how it helped him understand his birth mother's trauma.

00:38:17 - Importance of Support System,
Greg shares how his wife has been a supportive partner throughout his adoption journey and mental health struggles.

00:40:18 - Secrets,
Beth and Greg discuss the potential dangers of keeping secrets and how it can affect mental health. They share personal anecdotes about secrets in their own families and how disclosing them can lead to a sense of relief and freedom.

00:41:45 - The Importance of Sharing Information,
Greg emphasizes the importance of gathering and documenting information about adoption stories, even if they are difficult to discuss. He encourages birth mothers to share their story and adoptive parents to be open with their children from a young age to avoid resentment and anger later in life.

00:43:01 - The Healing Power of Love,
Greg shares the importance of adoptees hearing the words "I love you" from their birth mothers, as it can be healing to the soul. He also advises adoptive parents to tell their children they are adopted from a young age, so it becomes part of their story and avoids secrets.

00:44:40 - The Dangers of Secrets and Lies,
Greg shares how keeping secrets and lies about his adoption has caused him to feel resentful and angry towards his adoptive parents. He believes that owning up to the truth and sharing information can prevent life-threatening situations.

00:45:47 - Reaching Out for Support,
Greg offers his email address for those who would like to connect with him and discuss adoption stories. He believes that adoptees talking to each other can be a healing and validating experience.

00:46:32 - Sharing is Caring,
Greg emphasizes the importance of sharing adoption stories and information with others. He believes that "sharing is caring" and can prevent damaging secrets and lies. Beth encourages listeners to share this episode with others who may need to hear Greg's story.