The Lifelong Impact of Adoption with Michael Grenfell - Ep 103

The Lifelong Impact of Adoption with Michael Grenfell

"When we receive or find new information, we have to then reorient ourselves with that information, with a new foundation or a new guidepost. It's deep identity structure stuff that we're continually renegotiating all the time throughout this journey." - Michael Grenfell

In this episode of Unraveling Adoption, guest Michael Grenfell opens up about the profound impact of adoption on identity. As he shares his experiences, the complexities of navigating family dynamics and the lasting effects of adoption are unveiled. But just when it seems like resolution is within reach, conflict erupts within the family, leaving Michael in a precarious situation with no clear path forward. Tune in to discover how this adoptee's journey unfolds and the resilience he displays in the face of adversity.

In this episode, you will be able to:

• Comprehend the critical part fathers take on in the adoption narrative,

• Probe into the complexities confronting adoptees in their quest to locate their birth parents,

• Discern how adoption imprints on an adoptee's sense of identity and self-understanding,

• See the necessity of candid dialogue and trust within adoptive families,

• Realize the power of DNA testing in an adoptee's expedition to find their biological kin.

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My special guest is Michael Grenfell

You'll appreciate hearing from Michael Grenfell, an adoptee from the Baby Scoop Era in 1971, and a dedicated advocate for adoption transparency. Hailing from Sydney, Australia, Michael has navigated through the winding paths of his adoption journey and has come out the other side more self-aware and empowered. A celebrated author of poetry and crime fiction, Michael uses the written word to express his experiences and emotions and is currently working on sharing his story in memoir form. His focus on the importance of both his adoptive and natural fathers - and his own experience as a father - serves as a refreshing perspective in the adoption discussion.

The resources mentioned in this episode are:

• Attend the screening of Reckoning with A Primal Wound, the film by Rebecca Autumn Sansom on Saturday, July 29, 2023 at 7pm PST. Tickets can be purchased at reckoningoc.eventbrite.com. Join the screening either in person in Orange County or online via Zoom. Both spaces are limited, so secure your tickets today.

• Connect with Michael:

• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/grenfellmichael

• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/michaellikestowrite/

• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/michaellikestowrite/

• Check out Michael Grenfell's poetry, crime fiction, and memoir. The poem he presents in this episode, "Goodbye! Hello?" appears in this anthology:  https://www.westwords.com.au/project/living-stories-2022-things-unsaid/

• More of Michael's writing can be found in the Autumn and Winter 2023 Post Adoption Resource Newsletters. 

  These can be found at https://www.benevolent.org.au/services-and-programs/post-adoption-services/information-and-resources 
   

• In Australia, check out:

• Post Adoption Resource Center: https://www.benevolent.org.au/services-and-programs/list-of-programs/post-adoption-resource-centre-nsw

• Authors Michael and Beth mentioned:

• Dr. Gabor Maté: https://drgabormate.com/

• Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk: https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/

• Dr. Stephen Porges: https://www.stephenporges.com/

Identity and Parenting
The impacts of adoption on identity and parenting are extensive and deeply ingrained. The adoption experience often dictates how a person perceives themselves and reflects on their parenting style. Parents who are adoptees might employ a protective parenting approach, influenced by their earlier experiences of rejection and strife. Michael's testament sheds light on how his adoption journey influenced his role as a father. His deep-seated fear of rejection initially pushed him towards hyper-vigilance over his children. However, over time, he encouraged their independence and fortified their sense of self-worth. He admitted to his initial helicopter parenting approach, a testament to how one’s adoption background might shape parental instincts.

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Other Resources:

• APtitude Support Group for Adoptive Parents Facing Adoption’s Challenges: UnravelingAdoption.com/APtitude

• Other Parents Like Me - oplm.com 

• Heather Ross - Life Coaching for Parents who have a child struggling with addiction: https://heatherrosscoaching.com/

• Adoptee-Therapist Directory: https://growbeyondwords.com/adoptee-therapist-directory/

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 Unraveling Adoption is produced and hosted by Beth Syverson

Music written and performed by Joseph Nakao

Email questions or comments to [e-mail]

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Support Unraveling Adoption on Patreon: Patreon.com/UnravelingAdoption

www.UnravelingAdoption.com

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Timestamped summary of this episode:
00:00:00 - Screening of "Reckoning with A Primal Wound",
Beth announces a screening of the film "Reckoning with A Primal Wound" and invites listeners to attend in person or online. The filmmaker, Rebecca Autumn Sansom, will be present at the event.

00:01:25 - Introduction to Guest Michael Grenfell,
Beth introduces Michael Grenfell, a domestic adoptee from the Baby Scoop era. Michael has always known he was adopted and is now an advocate for adoption transparency, especially with the availability of DNA testing.

00:04:38 - Early Years and Recognition of Difference,
Michael shares that he was adopted at three and a half years old after spending the first five and a half months of his life in the NICU. He recalls feeling different from his adoptive parents and the confusion and pain of not knowing his biological family.

00:08:00 - Identity and Parenting,
Michael discusses the lasting effects of feeling different and the impact it had on his identity. He shares that having his own children helped him recognize the depth of the genetic connection and the absence of that reflection in his own life.

00:11:30 - Search for Birth Family,
Michael waited until he was independent from his adoptive parents before initiating the search for his birth family. He obtained non-identifying information in the early 1990s and took a long while to process the information.

00:13:34 - Adoption and Blended Families,
Michael compares adoption to a blended family, emphasizing the importance of considering the child's needs and background. The adoption process has changed over the years, but it is crucial for adoptive parents and the community to acknowledge the child's identity and history.

00:14:59 - Contacting Birth Parents,
Michael shares his experience of contacting his birth mother over the phone. Despite finding her contact information through Ancestry, she initially denied having a son and later revealed that she believed he had died due to being born prematurely.

00:19:15 - Searching for Birth Father,
Michael attempts to find his birth father but faces obstacles due to confidentiality and the potential legal consequences of making contact. The process involves searching for the name provided in the adoption records and obtaining putative father details.

00:20:50 - DNA Revelation,
Michael decides to do a DNA test and discovers numerous matches, including first cousins and aunties on his father's side. This revelation contradicts his mother's claim that the named person on the adoption records was not his father, revealing a hidden truth.

00:24:38 - Connecting with Biological Family,
Michael navigates the complexities of connecting with his newfound biological family, including nine siblings and numerous cousins. The sudden influx of family contact, primarily through social media, creates challenges in managing these relationships and establishing his own identity within the family.

00:26:18 - The Ultimatum,
The guest recounts how his relayed information about his biological father led to an ultimatum from his father's wife. She demanded that he only communicate with them and not with any other family members.

00:26:45 - Communication Barriers,
The guest reveals that his biological father could only communicate through his wife, and they did not want him to talk to the siblings and cousins. This created a difficult situation and strained family relationships.

00:28:00 - Dissipating Conflict,
The guest believed that the conflict would naturally dissipate over time, as most people contacting him would eventually go back to their everyday lives. However, his father's wife and sisters closed all communication, except for one sister who still maintains a good relationship with him.

00:29:00 - The Importance of One,
The guest expresses gratitude for the one sister who continues to communicate with him and emphasizes the importance of having at least one person who supports and understands him.

00:30:07 - Impact on Parenting,
The guest admits that his experiences of rejection and deceit in adoption affected his parenting. However, he has tried to emphasize to his daughters the importance of sticking to their boundaries and valuing themselves. He reflects on the personal growth he has undergone to create a positive environment for his daughters.

00:31:11 - Adoption's Core Impact,
The guest discusses how adoption cuts to the core of a person's identity

00:40:09 - Apologies for Child Migrants and Sex Abuse,
The conversation explores the apologies made by the the Australian government for adoptees, child migrants, and sex abuse within institutions. These apologies highlight the mistreatment and institutionalization of children. The majority of the population may not be aware of forced adoption and its impact on individuals and families.

00:41:12 - Language and the Invalidating of Experiences,
The conversation discusses how the term "forced adoption" is now being used in cases where children are removed for reasons such as mental health or drug use. This dilutes the meaning of the term and invalidates the experiences of women who have been advocating for their rights for decades.

00:42:16 - The Power of Writing and Poetry,
The guest shares how writing, particularly poetry, has helped him process his experiences and convey the complexities of adoption. Writing allows for a better understanding of the self and helps illustrate the emotional depth of the journey. -

00:43:45 - Family Themes in Popular Media,
The conversation explores how family themes, such as the loss or search for family members, are prevalent in popular media, including books, movies, and TV shows. This reflects the universal recognition of the importance of family and the impact of family-related stories in society.

00:47:24 - Coping Tools for Adoptees,
The guest shares various coping tools that have helped him navigate the challenges of adoption. These tools include meditation and body work such as massage or physiotherapy.

00:55:30 - Website and Adoptive Parent Group,
The host shares the website of Unraveling Adoption, which is unravelingadoption.com. She also mentions an adoptive parent group called Aptitude and invites adoptive or foster parents to join and face adoption's challenges together.