Investigating Adoption's Fault Lines with Birth Mother Lorraine Dusky - Ep 108

Investigating Adoption's Fault Lines with Birth Mother Lorraine Dusky

"Women today realize that giving up a child entails much more angst and long-term grief, and there's so many issues involved." - Lorraine Dusky

An intrepid birth mother from the 1960s who faced disapproval and secrecy now fights for adoptee rights. Lorraine Dusky shares her personal journey and advocates for change in the complex world of adoption.

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In this episode, you will be able to:

• Discover the profound influence of genetics and culture on adoptees, helping you to cultivate more empathy and understanding.

• Unmask society's secrecy and shame shrouded around the adoption, and move towards less judgment and increased acceptance.

• Understand the pressing need for empathy, delicacy and openness in discussions about adoption, thereby bringing about a transformative change in perception.

• Unpack the complex narrative of adoption rights and laws, sharpening your understanding and capacity for advocacy.

My special guest is Lorraine Dusky

We present to you Lorraine Dusky; an audacious journalist, an intrepid adoptee rights advocate, and a birth mother who traversed through adoption's thorny path in the 1960s. Lorraine had the courage to be the first person to publicly admit her child's relinquishment for adoption. Her bold stand sparked off fierce controversies, yet she relentlessly continues to champion for adoptees' rights. Her recently released 2nd edition of her memoir, Hole in My Heart: Love and Loss in the Fault Lines of Adoption, offers a raw account of her life journey, encapsulating the tempest of emotions that unfolded before and after her daughter's relinquishment.

The resources mentioned in this episode are:

• Purchase Lorraine Dusky's memoir, Hole in My Heart: Love and Loss in the Fault Lines of Adoption to gain insight into her personal story and experiences related to adoption: https://www.amazon.com/Hole-My-Heart-memoir-adoption/dp/0692455930

• First Mother Forum: Where first/birth/natural/real mothers share news & opinions. And vent: https://www.firstmotherforum.com/

Challenging Adoption Attitudes and Perceptions
Adoption is supposed to be seen as a lifetime experience reaching beyond the birth moment while impacting all involved. Lorraine Dusky's discussion centers around her book, Hole in My Heart, a candid memoir about her complex choices as a birth mother. From her experience, she hopes to challenge prevailing attitudes towards adoption by depicting her role in all its complexities, and not just as a woman who got pregnant. Lorraine also extends consideration to natural mothers, whose voice need to be heard and respected, thus stirring intellectuals, legislators, and the general public to rethink perceptions tied to adoption.

The Impact of Secrecy and Shame
The decision to place a child for adoption often comes with a load of shame and secrecy, a burden many birth mothers carry silently for years. This emotional tax leaves them stuck between their painful past and a hope-filled future. However, facing their fears, naming their experiences, and seeking forgiveness from their children are significant steps towards emotional freedom. Speaking from her personal experience, Lorraine Dusky unveils her years of bearing the heavy load of secrecy and shame. She kept her baby's adoption a secret for years, going as far as lying about ever being pregnant. But in the long run, she decided to face her fears and advocate for adoptee rights. Navigating her way through her struggles, disapproval, and community gossip, she pushed through with the help of her supportive mother. Her journey offers a beacon of hope to other birth mothers navigating the labyrinth of guilt, secrecy, and societal pressure.

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Other Resources:

 

• APtitude Support Group for Adoptive Parents Facing Adoption’s Challenges: UnravelingAdoption.com/APtitude

• Other Parents Like Me - oplm.com 

• Heather Ross - Life Coaching for Parents who have a child struggling with addiction: https://heatherrosscoaching.com/

• Adoptee-Therapist Directory: https://growbeyondwords.com/adoptee-therapist-directory/

 

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Unraveling Adoption is produced and hosted by Beth Syverson

Music written and performed by Joseph Nakao

Email questions or comments to [email protected]

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Support Unraveling Adoption on Patreon: Patreon.com/UnravelingAdoption

www.UnravelingAdoption.com

 

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Timestamped summary of this episode:

00:01:41 - Lorraine's Professional Trajectory,
Lorraine talks about her desire to be a newspaper reporter and her early career in journalism. She shares her disappointment in initially being placed in the women's department but eventually getting a job as a feature writer. She then discusses how she fell in love with a co-worker and became pregnant.

00:05:44 - Discovering the Pregnancy and Birth Control Pills,
Lorraine shares that she didn't realize she was pregnant until she was four months along because the early pregnancy test came back negative. She discusses how she had been taking birth control pills during her pregnancy and believes they may have contributed to her daughter's epilepsy.

00:08:07 - Choices and Adoption,
Lorraine recounts her attempts to get an abortion, which was illegal at the time. She eventually realizes that adoption is her only option and discusses the emotional turmoil she felt about giving up her baby. Lorraine also mentions that nowadays, fewer women choose adoption as an alternative to parenting.

00:12:50 - The Reality of Giving Up a Baby,
Lorraine explains the language around adoption and how it often portrays it as a well-thought-out plan. She emphasizes that in her experience and the experiences of many women today, giving up a baby is not analogous to "making an adoption plan."

00:14:13 - The Challenges of Being a Serious Writer and Reporter,
Lorraine discusses how she didn't want to be seen as a "kooky reporter" and the financial struggles she faced early in her career. She also talks about how her partner, Patrick, supported her during her pregnancy.

00:15:34 - Secrets and Conflicts,
Lorraine shares the story of her relationship with Patrick, revealing that he left his wife but eventually went back to her. She also talks about keeping her pregnancy a secret and the difficult decision to tell her mother.

00:16:31 - Openness and Acceptance,
Lorraine recounts the moment she told her mother about her pregnancy and her plans to be public about it. She expresses her gratitude for her mother's support and understanding.

00:18:48 - Fighting for Adoptee Rights,
Lorraine explains her motivation for fighting for adoptee rights, including the desire for her own daughter to find her one day. She discusses the criticism she faced and the changing attitudes of adoptive parents.

00:22:01 - The Battle for Open Records,
Lorraine discusses the challenges of changing adoption laws, specifically focusing on California's sealed records. She emphasizes the importance of adoptees having access to their original birth certificates and the need for a unified front among birth mothers, adoptees, and adoptive parents.

00:28:22 - Moving to China and Food Culture,
A friend of the guest moved to China with her daughter, who immediately adapted to the local food culture. The conversation also highlights how adoptees often have a strong connection to the food from their birth culture.

00:29:42 - Impact of Adoption on Genes and Culture,
The host reflects on the significance of genetics and culture in adoptive families. She attended a conference where adoptees and donor-conceived individuals discussed the critical loss of being separated from their genes. The reunion with birth family can be complex and may not necessarily solve all issues.

00:30:32 - Possibility of Finding Birth Parents,
The host mentions that there is a possibility for her adopted son to find his birth mother, but he is not currently interested due to personal struggles. The idea of a reunion is considered, but it is acknowledged that it can add more complexities to his life.

00:34:57 - Importance of Open Adoption Communication,
The host emphasizes the importance of open adoption communication. She advises adoptive parents to create a safe space for their children to discuss adoption. Adoptees think about their adoption even if they don't bring it up, and it's crucial for them to feel comfortable discussing it.

00:39:23 - The Impact of Patriarchy on Adoption,
The conversation delves into how adoption would look different if women had true equality in society. The sealing of adoption records and the difficulty in accessing birth information is discussed.

00:42:34 - Changing the Attitude About Adoption,
Lorraine Dusky discusses her mission to change the perception of adoption and create a better world for adopted individuals. She hopes her book, Hole in My Heart, will be read by a wide audience and emphasizes the importance of understanding how adoption affects everyone involved.

00:43:21 - The Voice of Natural Mothers,
Beth expresses appreciation for Lorraine Dusky's book and the way it portrays her as a whole person with dreams and goals. She emphasizes the need for the voices of natural mothers to be heard and for adoptive parents and adoptees to understand the impact of adoption on everyone.

00:44:20 - Collaboration and Spreading Awareness,
The host expresses her desire to collaborate with Lorraine Dusky in the future and suggests sharing the book with birth mothers who may find solace in its contents. She encourages the audience to spread the word about the book and increase awareness of the complexities of adoption.