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Why Self-Abandonment Fuels Burnout (with Lolita Guarin)

Phoenix and Flame Podcast

Release Date: 02/25/2024

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50-hour work weeks, saying yes to every extra project, and a constant fear of being fired: that's what burnout looked like for Lolita Guarin, right up until the day the stress finally won and she collapsed on her own kitchen floor. She'd moved to the US from Lithuania to chase her American dream, and she did all the things you're supposed to do: journaling, meditation, yoga, better time management. Her health improved. But something still felt unfinished, and she didn't find out what until she read a book about adult children of alcoholics and thought, wait, that's me.

Lolita is a stress management coach, and in this conversation she explains what "adult child of an alcoholic" (ACOA) really means, and why you don't need a parent who drinks to grow up in a dysfunctional home; any environment where your emotional needs went unmet can leave the same imprint. We talk about self-abandonment (what it actually looks like when you skip the gym because a guru told you to "push through," or when you're still calling your mom for approval in your thirties), and why Lolita insists boundaries with yourself have to come before boundaries with anyone else.

If burnout has ever left you wondering why doing "all the right things" still wasn't enough, this one's for you.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2EEucQizP60

In this episode

  • Why yoga, meditation, and time management, Lolita's "leisure things," didn't fix what was actually wrong
  • What "adult child of an alcoholic" (ACOA) really means, and why you don't need an alcoholic parent to have grown up in a dysfunctional home
  • The difference between abandoning other people and abandoning yourself, and how people-pleasing is a form of self-abandonment
  • Why boundaries with yourself have to come before boundaries with anyone else
  • How to forgive a parent who's still behaving badly, without letting them back into your life unconditionally
  • The "write down your achievements" exercise Lolita uses with clients who don't feel like they're enough

Timestamps

  • (00:04) Welcome and guest intro: meet Lolita Guarin, stress management coach
  • (01:58) Chasing the American dream, and burnout that ended in collapsing on her kitchen floor
  • (01:58) Why "leisure things" like yoga and journaling didn't fix what was actually wrong
  • (06:19) Discovering she grew up an adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA), and what that term actually means
  • (09:32) "Stop abandoning yourself": what self-abandonment looks like day to day
  • (17:37) Growing up with a narcissistic parent, and calling her mom for approval well into her 30s
  • (20:06) The achievements-list exercise Lolita uses with clients who don't feel "enough"
  • (23:31) How forgiving her parents, without excusing them, changed her relationship with them
  • (25:50) What to do when a parent's dysfunction never stopped, even into your adult years
  • (34:26) Where to find Lolita Guarin, her website, and her books on stress management

About Lolita Guarin

Lolita Guarin is a stress management coach who moved to the US from Lithuania about two decades ago. She's the author of books on stress management, including one for adult children of alcoholics and one focused specifically on workplace stress, "Crush Stress While You Work."

Learn more at BeAmazingYou.com, or find her books: Stress Management for ACOA and Crush Stress While You Work.

Favorite quotes

"Stop abandoning yourself." —Lolita Guarin
"Setting boundaries with yourself is knowing who you truly are. And then you can set boundaries with other people." —Lolita Guarin
"You can take the horse to the river, but you cannot make them drink it." —Lolita Guarin

Resources mentioned

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