Phoenix and Flame Podcast
Phoenix and Flame is a podcast by Dana Skaggs, M.A. She is called the "Queen of Boundaries" as well as the "Sassy Psychotherapist." Her podcast is about going From Ash to Flight on the Wings of Boundaries. If you feel alone in your struggle, check out the candid interviews with inspiring guests. You’ll hear their authentic journey through struggle, what helped them, what hurt them, and how they finally rose from the ashes. Dana asks direct, thought-provoking questions infused with snarky humor and therapeutic commentary, designed so her listeners will take away useful and applicable rubber-meets-the-road coping strategies.
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Why Imposter Syndrome Keeps Leaders Stuck
08/09/2026
Why Imposter Syndrome Keeps Leaders Stuck
In this episode, Dana is joined by Kurt Bush, a trauma-informed coach who helps leaders move from imposter syndrome to authentic confidence. Kurt shares his own journey with imposter syndrome, from feeling like a fraud in corporate leadership meetings to realizing his true calling. He explains that to make a change, the pain of staying the same must become greater than the pain of changing, a threshold many of us fear crossing. Kurt introduces the ERT (Encounter + Reflection = Transformation) framework, a practical approach to help you get unstuck. He reveals why the first step to moving forward is often learning to "start stopping" the things that drain your energy, allowing you to create a life that is truly aligned with who you are. ------------- Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and for your next speaking event or workshop
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Your Midlife 'Crisis' Might Be Burnout (with Jody Brooks)
07/26/2026
Your Midlife 'Crisis' Might Be Burnout (with Jody Brooks)
A midlife crisis isn't actually a crisis. That's the challenge Jody Brooks puts to anyone who's ever felt lost, restless, or quietly convinced something's wrong with them somewhere around 40 or 50: what looks like burnout, and what people love to write off as a freakout, is more often a calling. His own arrived at lunchtime at the office, buzzing canteen and all, when he found himself sitting in a restroom cubicle, crying so hard he could barely breathe. No brutal meeting that morning. No disaster. Just the quiet moment his body picked to file its formal complaint: burnout wasn't a "rough patch" anymore, it was a full-body shutdown. I've been a therapist for 18 years, and I can tell you: high performers do this. We white-knuckle through "one more day" (and one more, and one more) until the body stops asking politely. Sound familiar? Jody is a UK-based midlife and burnout coach who once survived 52 flights in eight months of what he calls "jazz hands" performing, and his calling-not-crisis framework is asking you to come home to yourself. We get into how to spot the full-body warning signs before you hit your own cubicle moment, how to settle anxiety in the moment it spikes (not three weeks and one forced sabbatical later), and Jody's wonderfully backwards first step for anyone feeling stuck: don't start something new. Start stopping. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode Why burnout can feel like "just a bad day" until it suddenly isn't, and how to recognize the full-body warning signs before you hit the wall Why a midlife crisis isn't really a crisis at all: it's a calling to reconnect with who you actually are The anxiety-regulation technique Jody uses with coaching clients to come back from a stress spiral in real time Why you can't be "out of alignment" until you know what alignment actually means, and how to find your starting point The "start stopping" exercise for anyone who wants change but doesn't know where to begin How understanding your core values turns boundaries from something scary into something guilt-free Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet midlife and burnout coach Jody Brooks (01:47) The restroom-cubicle "pile of ash" moment: burnout as a full-body shutdown (04:34) The three-hour drive home, and the decision to stop (06:43) Fear, anxiety, and the "one small thing" that finally breaks us (10:10) Jody's technique for regulating anxiety and stress in the moment (13:59) What alignment really means (and the bus analogy) (19:39) Why younger generations and midlifers experience burnout differently (24:37) The blank-page moment: reclaiming your story through empowerment (25:43) "Start stopping": Jody's first step for anyone feeling stuck (29:21) Boundaries, core values, and why saying no is an act of service (33:17) Where to find Jody and his free resources About Jody Brooks Jody Brooks is a UK-based midlife and burnout coach and the founder of Authentic Coaching. After burning out during a high-pressure international career in education (one stretch included 52 flights in eight months) he developed the nine principles of authentic living, a practical framework that helps people turn crisis into connection and sustainable well-being. Learn more and join his free community at , or connect with him on . Favorite quotes "I actually can't go back." —Jody Brooks, on the moment burnout finally broke through "Start stopping. Stopping what no longer serves you." —Jody Brooks "If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there." —Jody Brooks Resources mentioned : Jody's website and free community, home to the "Start Stopping" exercise and the anxiety-regulation technique he mentions on the show Jody's nine principles of authentic living (his coaching framework, discussed throughout the episode) Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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How You Can Find Hope After Rock Bottom (Aaron Ryan)
07/19/2026
How You Can Find Hope After Rock Bottom (Aaron Ryan)
Two in the morning. Sitting on the toilet, clothed, bawling into a pillow, because a broken PC was the last thing standing between him and the self-employed life he wanted so badly he could feel it in his teeth. That's where my guest this week hit rock bottom: not one dramatic collapse, but months of computer problems piling on top of a dream that felt like it was never going to happen. A client shared one quote with him that day, and Aaron Ryan has carried it in his back pocket for almost twenty years since: "The temptation to quit is always greatest just before your greatest success." Aaron is an award-winning, bestselling author of the six-book Dissonance alien invasion saga (one installment is being pitched to streaming networks right now), plus dozens of other titles across sci-fi, historical fiction, and children's books, and he's also a working voice actor. We talk about the "Illuminati" he ran into at the top of the voiceover industry, the sting of writing 300 blog posts meant to encourage people only to be told they were "nothing," and why he walked away from that world entirely to go back to his first love: storytelling. Aaron also shares his best advice for anyone starting out as a writer (be authentic, steer clear of generative AI, and grow thick skin fast), and the 9/11 historical novel he wrote as an act of catharsis, imagining a world where the attacks never happened. If you've ever felt like an imposter next to people who seem to have it all figured out, or you're right on the edge of giving up on something you can feel in your teeth, this conversation is the reminder that the breakdown right before the breakthrough is often just... the process. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode The quote Aaron has carried for almost 20 years, and the two memory sticks that changed his entire career Why running into "the Illuminati" of the voiceover industry, and being told his encouragement blogs were "nothing," turned out to be his breakthrough in disguise Aaron's advice for anyone who wants to write a book: be authentic, avoid generative AI, and grow thick skin fast Why holding a finished book in your hands matters more than whether anyone buys it How Aaron turned personal catharsis into fiction, including a 9/11 historical novel where the attacks never happen What "breakdown to breakthrough, wash, rinse, repeat" really looks like over a creative career Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet award-winning author Aaron Ryan (01:38) The Dissonance saga, Hollywood pitches, and film festival wins (03:04) The young author's club at age 10, and being "fated" to write (04:39) Advice for new writers: be authentic, avoid AI, grow thick skin (07:38) Imposter syndrome, and the 7,500 books published on Amazon every day (09:57) "The Electric Boy": writing his first "book" at age seven (13:20) Why Aaron writes sci-fi, post-apocalyptic, and dystopian fiction (16:57) The "Illuminati" of the voiceover industry, and walking away from it (22:46) 2007: leaving full-time work, and the PC that wouldn't stop breaking (24:12) Bawling into a pillow at 2am, and the quote that changed everything (26:31) Breakdown to breakthrough, wash, rinse, repeat (28:31) Aaron's favorite books: The End Omega, and a 9/11 novel where the attacks never happen (35:00) Where to find Aaron and his books About Aaron Ryan Aaron Ryan is an award-winning and best-selling author, speaker, panelist, workshop presenter, and voice actor. He's the author of the six-book Dissonance alien invasion saga (currently being pitched to streaming networks), the Christian dystopian series The End, the 9/11 historical fiction novel Forecast, and dozens of other titles across sci-fi, historical fiction, and children's books. He lives in Washington with his wife, two sons, and a small menagerie of pets. Learn more at , or join his for screenplay updates, discount codes, giveaways, and appearances. Favorite quotes "The temptation to quit is always greatest just before your greatest success." —a line Aaron Ryan has carried in his back pocket for almost 20 years "If you can steer clear of AI, please do. Don't outsource your work to a chip." —Aaron Ryan "I must create or I'm gonna blow up, I'll explode." —Aaron Ryan Resources mentioned : Aaron's website, with links to all his books and social channels : screenplay status updates, discount codes, giveaways, and appearances Dissonance, Aaron's six-book alien invasion saga The End Omega, the finale of Aaron's Christian dystopian series Forecast, Aaron's 9/11 historical fiction novel Related episodes : another guest's road from the bottom back up : more on turning devastation into a fearless second act : another raw conversation about finding hope in the darkest moment Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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How Your Body's Intuition Can Heal You (Rebecca Russell)
07/12/2026
How Your Body's Intuition Can Heal You (Rebecca Russell)
Four years of chronic pain. A fibromyalgia diagnosis. Muscle relaxers, pain pills, migraines, MRI after MRI. And through all of it, my guest this week kept hearing the same quiet voice: something doesn't fit. Rebecca Russell listened to it anyway, tracked down a neurosurgeon, and asked for one test nobody else had run: a discogram. It found the bulging disc that had been the actual problem the whole time, and eighty-five percent of her symptoms disappeared after surgery. Rebecca is a metabolism and lifestyle coach, certified essential oil specialist, and author who's spent more than three decades turning her own health crises, a prediabetes warning in her thirties and years of unexplained chronic pain, into a holistic approach she now teaches other people. We talk about the difference between managing symptoms and finding root cause, how to bring up wanting to try something holistic without blowing up the relationship with a doctor you've trusted for decades, and the "black year" she spent as a stay-at-home mom feeling brain-dead and guilty for wanting more, before a community-college pamphlet turned into an unexpected ten-year path to becoming a published novelist. If you've ever been told your labs are "normal" while you know something is wrong, Rebecca's message is blunt and useful: do your homework, and don't let anyone, including a doctor you love, talk you out of your own intuition. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode Why Rebecca trusted her own intuition over four years of doctors telling her to just manage the pain, and the one test that finally found the root cause How a lifestyle overhaul helped Rebecca avoid a lifetime of medication after a prediabetes warning in her thirties The self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-love formula Rebecca built to help people figure out what they actually need Why she calls herself "the Queen of Homework," and how to research a health decision your doctor won't have time to How essential oils helped Rebecca get off a nightly sleep medication, and how each oil ties to an emotional need Her "black year" as a stay-at-home mom, and the writing-class pamphlet that turned into a decade-long path to publication Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet metabolism and lifestyle coach Rebecca Russell (02:10) From Harlequin romance novelist to competitive athlete (04:52) The rec ice hockey high, and the fibromyalgia diagnosis that followed (07:08) Watching family members struggle on the traditional medical path (09:04) The American Diabetes Society's shift toward prevention and reversal (11:39) The discogram: the one test nobody else had run (13:34) The statin Rebecca refused, and the thyroid issue that was the real cause (16:05) How to bring up holistic options without losing your traditional doctor (19:50) Why Rebecca calls herself "the Queen of Homework" (20:23) Essential oils, sleep, and getting off a nightly medication (24:35) The "black year": stay-at-home motherhood, guilt, and losing her sense of self (28:22) The writing-class pamphlet that led to a published novel ten years later (35:15) Boundaries, self-acceptance, and letting other people's opinions go About Rebecca Russell Rebecca Russell is a metabolism and lifestyle coach, author, and certified essential oil specialist who believes resilience begins with how we care for our bodies. After being told she was likely headed toward type 2 diabetes, she chose a different path and has spent more than 30 years embracing a holistic lifestyle to change the trajectory of her health, including recovering from a four-year battle with chronic pain that led to a fibromyalgia diagnosis. Learn more at , where you can request a free wellness consultation. Favorite quotes "Listen to your body. Listen to that intuition." —Rebecca Russell "Root cause is so important." —Rebecca Russell "You have to know yourself well enough to know what you need to be happy." —Rebecca Russell Resources mentioned : Rebecca's website and free wellness consultation offer Rebecca's book, which includes companion journal pages for each chapter (available as a free download through Rebecca directly) The American Diabetes Society's preventative, low-carb approach to autoimmune conditions including diabetes Uncover Your Light, a nonfiction anthology on stories of hope and resilience featuring a chapter by Rebecca Related episodes : more on learning to listen to your own body and instincts again : the science behind why we override our own signals : pairs with Rebecca's root-cause approach to chronic health struggles Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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Why Successful Entrepreneurs Set Boundaries (Chris Shurian)
06/28/2026
Why Successful Entrepreneurs Set Boundaries (Chris Shurian)
My guest this week has a word for himself I'd never heard before: "entrepreholic." Over 39 years, Chris Shurian has built, operated, bought, broken, and resurrected companies in remodeling, construction, manufacturing, real estate development, foreign investment, hospitality, restaurants, and retail. He's also survived cancer and finished two Ironmans. And in 2008, when the economy crashed, he was so extended, so "all in, all in, all in," as he puts it, that he spent the next two years meeting with his banker once a week just to survive it. We talk about what it actually felt like to launch out on his own the first time (scary, but young enough that the stakes felt low), the mindset that got him through the 2008 collapse (he sold his boat and his Corvette for cash instead of losing them to the bank, because he'd paid cash for his toys in the first place), and why he now believes setting boundaries isn't a personal luxury for entrepreneurs, it's a core business strategy. Chris also shares the "work to live" question that reframed his whole career, and why four focused hours in his office can outperform someone else's fourteen. If you're building something and starting to feel like the business owns you instead of the other way around, Chris's story of setting his own hours from day one, and watching his business and his customers adapt to it, is worth the whole episode. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode Why "life balance isn't a luxury, it's a core business strategy" for entrepreneurs The mindset shift that turned "scared" into "excited" for Chris during the 2008 financial collapse Why paying cash for the boat, the Corvette, and the cabin saved Chris's family when the bank came calling How setting one firm boundary (a standing day off, a closed office door) trains your business and your customers to respect it Why entrepreneurs who "jump ship" too early into a new opportunity often sabotage the one that's already working The life balance wheel exercise Chris still uses with his coaching clients today Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet self-proclaimed "entrepreholic" Chris Shurian (01:58) The word "entrepreholic," and why it's different from "serial entrepreneur" (04:57) What launching out on his own for the first time actually felt like (06:54) The fence-building side hustle that turned into a contracting career (09:50) Bartering, visibility, and getting your work seen (13:11) Building a remodeling empire, and the year everything grew too fast (14:59) Neuroplasticity: reframing "scared" as "excited" (17:23) The 2008 crash: two years of weekly meetings with the banker (18:09) Why paying cash for the boat and the Corvette saved the family (20:08) Imposter syndrome as a coach, and the value of hard-won experience (24:30) Where Chris lost his own boundaries: jumping ship on the main business too early (28:20) "Do you live to work, or do you work to live?" (33:50) Where to find Chris and his coaching About Chris Shurian Chris Shurian is a self-proclaimed "entrepreholic" who has spent 39 years building, operating, breaking, and resurrecting companies in remodeling, construction, manufacturing, real estate development, foreign investment, hospitality, restaurants, and retail. In his own words: "I've won big, lost big, survived cancer, finished two Ironmans, and I still show up with the enthusiasm of a guy launching his very first venture." He now coaches business owners and entrepreneurs, drawing on decades of building, losing, and rebuilding. Learn more at , or connect with him on . Favorite quotes "I've won big, lost big, survived cancer, finished two Ironmans, and I still show up with the enthusiasm of a guy launching his very first venture." —Chris Shurian "I am absolutely a work to live kind of guy." —Chris Shurian "I can get more done in four hours in my office than some people get done in two or three days." —Chris Shurian Resources mentioned : Chris's platform, coaching, and podcast The life balance wheel, an exercise Chris uses with coaching clients to spot where their life is out of balance Related episodes : more on why boundaries drive success instead of limiting it : another entrepreneur's take on the habits that make the long game possible : another founder's road through building, losing, and rebuilding Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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Why Loneliness Hits the Young Hardest (Dr. Anthony Silard)
06/21/2026
Why Loneliness Hits the Young Hardest (Dr. Anthony Silard)
Picture a hand-written sign taped to a bus stop in Japan: "I'm 87, I don't have a family. Would some family take me?" No one answered. He died a couple of months later. That story, from my guest this week, is the starkest snapshot I've ever heard of what loneliness researcher Dr. Anthony Silard calls a global epidemic, and the twist is who it's hitting hardest: not the oldest of us, but the youngest. Anthony is a professor of Leadership and Organizational Psychology and an internationally recognized authority on relationships, emotional intelligence, and personal transformation, and he's the author of the new book Love and Suffering: Break the Emotional Chains that Prevent You from Experiencing Love. We get into the real difference between loneliness (which he calls the trash) and solitude (the treasure), his four-plateau model for moving toward love, and why parents need to be their kid's "emotion elevator" instead of handing over a screen every time a feeling gets hard. Anthony also makes the case, backed by his own research, for ditching "forgive and forget" for good: forgiveness is something you do for yourself, trust is something you decide about the relationship, and they are not the same choice. If you've ever wondered whether you're lonely or just alone, or you've been calling resentment "forgiveness" without realizing it, this conversation hands you the language for both. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode Why today's loneliest generation isn't the oldest, it's the youngest, and what's driving it The real difference between loneliness (trash) and solitude (treasure), and how to move toward the second Why "forgive and forget" is bad advice, and what to do instead: forgive and remember, lightly The difference between forgiveness (for you) and trust (for the relationship), and why you can have one without the other What it means to be your child's "emotion elevator," and what happens when that job gets outsourced to a screen Why comparing yourself to everyone else on your bus is quietly making loneliness worse Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet Dr. Anthony Silard, author of Love and Suffering (01:49) Why Anthony studies loneliness: his own early experience with it (03:14) The exponential rise in loneliness since the first iPhone (06:15) The loneliness epidemic by the numbers: the Cigna study, the UK's minister for loneliness, and the 87-year-old's sign (09:34) Loneliness vs. solitude: trash and treasure (12:14) Why today's loneliest generation is the youngest, not the oldest (16:58) Being your child's "emotion elevator," and the conversational duet (23:01) The decline of empathy, and the truth about the "self-absorption" myth (27:30) Why "forgive and forget" is bad advice (28:27) Forgiveness vs. trust: two different decisions (31:14) Where to find Anthony and his free books About Dr. Anthony Silard Dr. Anthony Silard is a professor of Leadership and Organizational Psychology and an internationally recognized authority in relationships, leadership, emotional intelligence, relational healing, and personal transformation. He earned his doctorate at IESE Business School in Barcelona and is one of the two most-published researchers on loneliness in organizations, alongside Sarah Wright in New Zealand. He's the author of Love and Suffering: Break the Emotional Chains that Prevent You from Experiencing Love (2025) and the previous book Screened In: The Art of Living Free in the Digital Age, and he coaches CEOs and senior leaders at companies including Toyota, Apple, Google, and Boeing. Learn more at , or grab his two , "The Myth of Happiness" and "The Myth of Friendship." Favorite quotes "Loneliness is a negative distressing emotion associated with being alone. Solitude is a positive strengthening emotion associated with being alone." —Dr. Anthony Silard "Resentment is what you feel while the other person's out dancing." —Dr. Anthony Silard "Trust is necessary for relationship development." —Dr. Anthony Silard Resources mentioned Love and Suffering: Break the Emotional Chains that Prevent You from Experiencing Love, Anthony's book on his four-plateau "love progression model" Screened In: The Art of Living Free in the Digital Age, Anthony's previous book on screens and relationships : "The Myth of Happiness" and "The Myth of Friendship," available at TheArtOfLivingFree.org The Cigna loneliness study (2018 and 2020) cited on the rise in adult American loneliness Related episodes : a deeper dive into exactly the forgiveness-vs-trust distinction Anthony draws in this episode : more on what it actually takes to move from isolation to real connection : another conversation on what genuine connection requires Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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Avoiding Failure Guarantees It (with Mark DeCarlo)
06/14/2026
Avoiding Failure Guarantees It (with Mark DeCarlo)
Picture a high school track meet: a sixteen-pound shot put thrown the wrong direction, a burst spleen, three weeks in a hospital bed. That's how my guest this week learned, at sixteen or seventeen, that avoiding failure is exactly what guarantees it. Mark DeCarlo woke up after three days unconscious to a doctor telling him ten more minutes and he'd have been dead, and he's spent every day since orienting his choices around one question: will this make me more happy or less happy? Mark is an Emmy award-winning comedian, bestselling author, and in-demand corporate speaker and leadership trainer (also, if you had a kid in the 2000s, the voice of Hugh Neutron). We get into why he believes fear is always and only self-destructive, never useful once you're past outrunning actual predators, and why failing on purpose, over and over, is the only way to find out what you actually like. Mark also walks through the "ten times" exercise for identifying your own happiness, and calls out the biggest myth keeping high performers stuck: that you have to suffer now to be happy later. If you're one of my high performers white-knuckling through burnout because you think the money has to come first, this one's for you. Mark's simple two-bucket framework for burnout, and his blunt reminder that no one's getting out of this alive, might be exactly the permission slip you need to stop postponing your own happiness. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode Why avoiding failure is what actually guarantees it, and how a near-death shot-put accident taught Mark to use happiness as his life's "North Star" Why fear is always and only self-destructive, and the difference between fear and healthy caution The "ten times" exercise for finding out what actually makes you happy, not what you think should Why working harder now to be happy "later" is backwards, and what to do instead How losing 80 pounds by telling everyone his goal, instead of hiding it, taught Mark the power of public accountability The two buckets of burnout, and what to do about each one Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet Emmy-winning comedian Mark DeCarlo (01:16) The near-death shot-put accident that reoriented Mark's whole life (03:06) Why time, not money, is the resource you can't get back (04:30) Try everything: finding what you like by crossing off what you don't (06:19) Fear vs. caution, and why fear is always self-destructive (07:57) Thomas Edison, failure, and the scientific method for finding happiness (09:47) Chaos, entropy, and why happiness has to come before the money (16:02) How do you actually know if you're happy? Spotting the dopamine trap (19:34) Losing 80 pounds: the power of telling everyone your goal (21:30) "If you don't fail, you're not pushing hard enough" (24:15) Doing it scared: fear doesn't get the final vote (31:02) The two buckets of burnout, and what to do about each one (35:12) Where to find Mark and his work About Mark DeCarlo Mark DeCarlo is an Emmy award-winning comedian, bestselling author, and in-demand corporate speaker and leadership trainer. He's also the voice of Hugh Neutron on Nickelodeon's Jimmy Neutron and a former travel show host. After a near-death accident in high school, he built his career and his life around a single question: does this choice make me more happy or less happy? Learn more at , or follow him on . Favorite quotes "Fear is only and always self-destructive." —Mark DeCarlo "And if you don't fail, you're not pushing hard enough." —Mark DeCarlo "No one's getting out of this alive." —Mark DeCarlo Resources mentioned : Mark's website : Mark's travel content and updates Related episodes : more on why fear keeps us stuck, and how to stop letting it drive the car : the science behind why chasing happiness feels so much harder than it should : pairs with Mark's two-bucket burnout framework from this episode Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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Why Young Adults Are More Stuck Than Ever (Joanna Lilley)
05/31/2026
Why Young Adults Are More Stuck Than Ever (Joanna Lilley)
Would your young adult be able to survive without you? That's the question my guest Joanna Lilley says every parent should be able to answer, and if your gut response is "no" or "I don't know," she's got thoughts. Joanna is a therapeutic consultant who works exclusively with what she calls "emerging adults," people 18 and up who are unraveling in college or not thriving in adulthood, and after years in the field she's convinced young adults are more stuck than ever: not because they're lazy, but because they're paralyzed by too many options and too little structure. Joanna's practice, Lilley Consulting, has helped young adults find mental health, substance use, and wellness resources since 2016. We get into why "too many choices" can freeze someone as badly as too few, the difference between a real boundary and plain distress intolerance, and her blunt advice for parents: don't let fear keep you from holding one, and don't try to be your own kid's therapist. Whether you're the parent lying awake wondering if you're helping or enabling, or the 20-something wondering why "adulting" feels impossible, Joanna's got a roadmap that doesn't require pretending anyone has all the answers. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode Why young adults are more stuck than ever, and how "too many options" can paralyze decision-making more than too few The question Joanna says every parent should be able to answer: would your young adult survive without you? Why "the path to hell is paved with good intentions" when parents try to be their kid's therapist or coach The real difference between a boundary and plain distress intolerance How to build structure and forward momentum for a young adult who skips (or leaves) college Practical guardrails for gaming, codependent parenting, and job-hopping, without the shame spiral Timestamps (00:02) Welcome and introducing therapeutic consultant Joanna Lilley (01:48) Why Joanna went back to grad school, and the assistantship that made it possible (04:54) Why she chose to work exclusively with "emerging adults" (08:24) What young adults are actually struggling with right now (10:11) Why more options can create more stuckness, not less (12:35) The dark question: would your young adult survive without you? (17:06) Holding a boundary without letting fear drive your parenting (22:40) Building structure and momentum for a young adult who skips college (28:01) Gaming, codependent parenting, and why the average young adult may have nine careers (34:07) The difference between a real boundary and distress intolerance (41:38) Where to find Joanna, her blog, and her podcast, Success Is Subjective About Joanna Lilley Joanna Lilley is a therapeutic consultant and founder of Lilley Consulting, which since 2016 has helped young adults 18-plus find mental health, substance use, and wellness resources. She dedicates herself to working solely with emerging adults who unravel in college or aren't thriving in adulthood, and hosts her own podcast, Success Is Subjective. Learn more, read her blog, and find her podcast at , or connect with her on . Favorite quotes "Would your young adult be able to survive without you?" —Joanna Lilley "The path to hell is paved with good intentions." —Joanna Lilley, on parents trying to be their own kid's therapist "It's okay to not know at 18 what you're gonna do the rest of your life, because nobody did." —Joanna Lilley Resources mentioned : Joanna's site, blog, and consulting practice for young adults and families , Joanna's own podcast Related episodes : More support for young adults navigating the anxiety Joanna describes around careers and next steps. : A deeper look at why the brain freezes up when facing too many choices. : More on the real difference between a boundary and avoidance, the distinction Joanna draws here. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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How to Trust Your Intuition After Trauma (Mandi Pratt)
05/24/2026
How to Trust Your Intuition After Trauma (Mandi Pratt)
Picture coming home to a business card tucked into your door jamb. It says "coroner's unit, robbery unit," with a handwritten note: call me please. That's how my guest Mandi Pratt found out, a year after leaving an abusive marriage, that the FBI had been hunting her ex-husband for six to nine months, for a string of bank robberies. If you've ever wondered how to trust your intuition after trauma, when your own mind has been trained to doubt itself, this is the episode that shows you how, from someone whose story was on the news twice. Mandi transformed that plot twist into a framework for self-leadership and resilience, and now helps individuals and organizations understand how stress and survival responses affect decision-making, boundaries, and wellbeing. We get into what "survival mode" actually looks like when you're a single mom of a toddler with a criminal case unfolding around you, why validation (not advice) is what actually cuts the risk of complex PTSD, and Mandi's simple "happy list," a menu of go-to things that help her regulate when she can't think straight enough to help herself. Twenty years out, Mandi is remarried, her son is grown, and she's still learning what it means for a nervous system to finally feel safe enough to rest. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode How to trust your intuition after trauma, starting with Mandi's first step: learning to actually pause What "survival mode" really looks like when you're a single parent with a criminal case unfolding around you Why validation, not advice, is what actually cuts the risk of complex PTSD (and what it sounds like) How to vet the people you lean on after abuse, and why "are you sure? he seems so nice" does real damage Mandi's "happy list": a pre-made menu of things that help, for the days you can't think straight enough to choose Why your body can fall apart once it finally feels safe, and why that's not a setback Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and introducing self-leadership expert Mandi Pratt (01:52) The FBI business card in the door jamb (03:24) Learning her ex had been robbing banks for months (07:19) Survival mode as a single mom: no time for emotional processing (08:21) Institutional betrayal, and why the resources just weren't there yet (11:15) Leaning on pets, movement, and time outside when talk therapy wasn't enough (12:36) Why intuition alarm bells get rationalized away, especially for women (15:29) The patterning that keeps trauma survivors from saying no (18:03) Why validation alone cuts complex PTSD risk by three times (21:11) The pile of ash: finding the "light at the end of the tunnel" one micro-step at a time (25:19) Moving from fight-or-flight, and why it took 20 years, not 20 days (29:14) The "happy list": Mandi's go-to menu for regulating on the hard days (31:41) Where to find Mandi, her intuition quiz, and her free five-day challenge About Mandi Pratt Mandi Pratt is a speaker and self-leadership expert who turned a life-shattering crisis, leaving an abusive marriage only to learn her ex-husband was wanted by the FBI for bank robbery, into a framework for helping individuals and organizations move from fight-or-flight into clarity, confidence, and inner stability. Take her free intuition quiz at , or learn more at . She's also on Instagram as "Women Aware and Prepared" and on LinkedIn under her own name. Favorite quotes "Even with unhealthy relationships, a lot of times we will get those intuition alarm bells going off. But a lot of times we rationalize it." —Mandi Pratt "You don't have to keep living that way. You don't have to keep hustle, hustle, hustle. Your nervous system can't take that anymore." —Mandi Pratt "If you just validate, that sounds so hard, and I am so sorry that you're going through that. I hear you." —Mandi Pratt, on what actually helps someone in crisis Resources mentioned , plus a five-day challenge to strengthen your intuition after taking it : Mandi's site Mandi on Instagram and LinkedIn as "Women Aware and Prepared" / Mandi Pratt Related episodes : More on the post-separation abuse and manipulation patterns Mandi navigated with her ex. : A companion look at rebuilding trust in your own perception after abuse. : More on why the body keeps score long after the danger has passed, as Mandi describes. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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How to Reclaim Your Energy When Burned Out (Dianne Andree)
05/10/2026
How to Reclaim Your Energy When Burned Out (Dianne Andree)
Picture a school counselor's office with a shoebox of sand tucked under the desk. A parent is on the phone getting heated, and while she listens, my guest slips off one shoe and presses her foot into the sand until she can practically smell the ocean. Thirty seconds later, she's steady again. That trick is one of dozens Dianne Andree uses to reclaim her energy when she's burned out, and she's spent more than 25 years in education and mental health learning how. Dianne is an award-winning international speaker and burnout prevention specialist who stood on the brink of burnout herself as a school counselor and administrator, to the point she nearly left the field entirely. We get into the difference between American "hurry culture" and how the rest of the world treats rest (something she noticed firsthand representing the U.S. on a panel with a dozen other countries in India), why "I should be doing more" is the thought that burns high performers out the fastest, and her "power of pause" method for staying present instead of comparing your path to everyone else's. We also cover the four biggest energy drains Dianne sees most in her coaching, and why "stop shoulding on yourself" might be the best boundary advice you hear all year. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode Why reclaiming your energy when you're burned out starts with noticing the sleep that never actually rests you The "hurry culture" habit most Americans don't even realize they have, and what other countries do differently Dianne's "power of pause" method for staying present instead of comparing your path to everyone else's The "30-second reset" she teaches for when things start to spiral Why "stop shoulding on yourself" beats chasing the next TEDx talk or book deal The biggest energy drains Dianne sees most in high performers, and what to do about them Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and introducing burnout prevention specialist Dianne Andree (01:23) How she landed in school counseling, and later, burnout prevention (08:39) What burnout actually felt like: sleep that never rests you (11:28) Small daily practices that helped her cope: music, journaling, drive-time to decompress (13:33) Learning to say no, so you can say yes to what matters (14:40) Deciding who is an energy drain and who is an energy filler (18:03) America's "hurry culture," and what she saw representing the U.S. alongside a dozen other countries (21:02) Why human connection, not more doing, is the real fix for burnout (22:21) The "30-second reset" and getting grounded before things spiral (23:23) The shoebox-of-sand trick from her school counseling days (26:46) Comparison, "good enough," and social media's highlight reel (29:11) Harnessing the "power of pause" to sit in gratitude instead of the path ahead (32:30) Where to find Dianne, and her free "simple morning routine" About Dianne Andree Dianne Andree is an award-winning international speaker and burnout prevention specialist with more than 25 years of experience in mental health, having stood on the brink of burnout herself. She brings powerful insight, authenticity, and practical strategies that help individuals and organizations reclaim energy, focus, and purpose. Learn more, including her free "simple morning routine" guide, at , or connect with her on . Favorite quotes "Stop shoulding on yourself. Should, shoulda, coulda, woulda, stop shoulding on yourself." —Dianne Andree "There's a lot of things in our life we can't control, but I can decide where I put my energy. That is something I have complete control over." —Dianne Andree "The windshield is bigger than the rear view mirror for a reason." —Dianne Andree Resources mentioned : Dianne's site, home to her free "simple morning routine" guide and "30-second reset" videos Emory University's Compassion Center, referenced by Dianne as the source of her cognitively based compassion training certification How to Fill Your Bucket, the "cute little book" Dianne mentions on the "you can't pour from an empty bucket" idea Related episodes : More on catching the early warning signs Dianne describes before you hit rock bottom. : A companion conversation on why hustle culture burns out high performers, and how to redefine success on your own terms. : Another look at burnout as a full-body wake-up call rather than a personal failing. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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How Narcissists Control You (Jackie Miller)
04/26/2026
How Narcissists Control You (Jackie Miller)
Jackie Miller is wandering her own weed-filled backyard in her pajamas and slippers, late afternoon in the middle of summer, hasn't showered, hasn't eaten, and can't quite remember how she got there, worn down by exactly the hidden tactics narcissists use to control you. That's the moment Jackie, a high-conflict divorce coach and post-separation abuse strategist, names as her wake-up call, a year and a half into rebuilding after 16 and a half years married to a man who chipped away at her a little at a time: what she calls "death by a thousand paper cuts." If you've ever wondered why the people around you can't seem to see it happening, this episode names every one of them. Jackie survived that 16.5-year emotionally, verbally, and financially abusive marriage, then a grueling two-and-a-half-year high-conflict divorce, and now helps women "escape toxic entanglements, reclaim their energy, and win without playing the narcissist's game." We get into the "frog in boiling water" beginning (whirlwind love bombing, married within 18 months), the financial control that left her name off every account after 16 years of marriage, and how the abuse didn't stop at separation, it just moved into the courtroom. You'll also hear my "meat hook" visual for the moment a narcissist tries to bait you back into a fight, and the simple written record that helped Jackie hold onto the truth when the self-doubt crept back in. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode Why the "frog in boiling water" beginning makes it so hard to see narcissistic abuse while you're inside it How financial control can leave you with zero access to money after 16-plus years of marriage Why abuse often escalates after separation, and how narcissists weaponize the court system to keep control Dana's "meat hook" visual for refusing to take the bait when someone tries to trigger you The "false narratives" a narcissist installs in you, and how to spot the remote control they're still pushing Why keeping a written record of what actually happened can keep you sane when the doubt creeps back in Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and introducing high-conflict divorce coach Jackie Miller (01:40) The "frog in boiling water": love bombing, whirlwind courtship, and the devaluing stage (03:25) Financial abuse: 16.5 years married with her name on nothing (05:45) Filing for divorce, and the post-separation abuse that followed (07:38) Rock bottom: wandering the backyard in pajamas, unable to function (12:29) The covert mask: why friends and family don't see it (15:19) Smear campaigns, and how narcissists plant seeds early (21:37) The out-of-body epiphany: watching the manipulation from outside herself (22:37) Dana's "meat hook" visual for not engaging with triggers (24:13) The "false narratives" a narcissist installs, and the remote control they still push (28:47) Why writing down what happened protects you from self-doubt later (32:41) Where to find Jackie, her podcast, and her free guide About Jackie Miller Jackie Miller is a high-conflict divorce coach and post-separation abuse strategist who survived a 16.5-year emotionally, verbally, and financially abusive marriage and a two-and-a-half-year high-conflict divorce. She now brings both lived experience and expert strategy to women navigating the same fight, through her coaching practice and her podcast, Out of Crazy Town: Your Guide to Divorcing a Narcissist. Learn more at (her site also hosts her free guide on when to respond to a narcissist and when to ignore), or connect with her on . She's also on Instagram and TikTok as "Out of Crazy Town." Favorite quotes "There is no amount of money in the world that justifies enduring abuse." —Jackie Miller "Congratulations, you've survived 100% of your worst days." —Jackie Miller "You are in a relationship with a master manipulator. It doesn't matter how smart you are, it doesn't matter how educated you are." —Jackie Miller Resources mentioned : Jackie's site, coaching info, blog, and her free guide on when to respond to a narcissist and when to ignore Out of Crazy Town: Your Guide to Divorcing a Narcissist, Jackie's podcast, also findable via her site "Out of Crazy Town" on Instagram and TikTok, Jackie's handles on both platforms Related episodes : A deeper look at recovering identity and trust after a relationship like the one Jackie describes. : More on spotting the covert tactics Jackie names here before they escalate. : Another survivor's strategy for disengaging from a controlling partner. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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Find Purpose in Your Biggest Struggles (Holly Kostrzewski)
04/12/2026
Find Purpose in Your Biggest Struggles (Holly Kostrzewski)
Picture an 18-year-old walking into the office of the disability advisor at a college she'd already decided to skip, after a neuropsych test predicted she probably wouldn't succeed there, and asking: "What classes can you take with half a brain?" That's a true story, and it's how this episode on finding purpose in your biggest struggles gets going. It belongs to my guest Holly Kostrzewski, who sustained a traumatic brain injury at 18 in a car crash and had to relearn to walk, talk, and read from scratch, living back home with her parents until she was 29. Holly is an international keynote speaker, consultant, and storyteller who has since inspired over a million people across the U.S., Canada, and New Zealand, and her story doesn't stop at one flame. Fourteen years after her injury, her dad became a paraplegic and she became his caretaker. Then, after 22 years as a public servant, she lost her federal job and had to figure out who she was without the title. Out of all three came her keynote "The Junk Drawer": the idea that everybody's got a drawer of stuff they're too ashamed to show anyone, and the good stuff is hiding right there next to the junk. We get into why shame keeps that drawer shut, my yard boundary metaphor for deciding who's earned the right to your "tender bits," and why "at least it's not cancer" might be the worst thing you can say to someone in pain. If you've ever felt like less of a person because of a job, a diagnosis, or a body that doesn't work the way it used to, this one's for you. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode Why finding purpose in your biggest struggles starts with naming the flame that burned you down (Holly's "three burns" framework) The stubborn question that got Holly back into college after a neuropsych test said she probably wouldn't make it Why shame keeps your "junk drawer" shut, and what happens when you finally open it Dana's yard boundary metaphor for deciding who's earned the right to hear your "tender bits" Why "at least" comments shut down grief, and what to do instead How to tell if someone is a safe person for your hardest stuff before you hand it to them Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and introducing keynote speaker Holly Kostrzewski (01:51) The car crash at 18 and the coup-contrecoup brain injury (03:00) Relearning to walk, talk, and read, and failing therapy along the way (04:56) "What classes can you take with half a brain?" (09:31) Burn number two: her dad's fall and becoming a paraplegic (13:46) Burn number three: losing her federal job after 22 years (14:31) Building "The Junk Drawer" keynote (20:03) Why we hide our junk drawer: shame and "am I enough" (22:07) Dana's yard boundary metaphor and vetting people for your "tender bits" (26:19) The "at least" comments that shut down grief (31:14) Where to find Holly, and a plug for Mic Drop Club About Holly Kostrzewski Holly Kostrzewski is an international keynote speaker, consultant, and storyteller who has inspired over a million people across the United States, Canada, and New Zealand. A survivor of a traumatic brain injury at 18 and now caretaker to her paraplegic father, she built her signature keynote, "The Junk Drawer," around the idea that our hidden hard stuff is where real connection (and humor) actually live. Learn more at , or follow her on . Favorite quotes "What classes can you take with half a brain?" —Holly Kostrzewski "Shame, I think, is one of the heaviest things to carry." —Holly Kostrzewski "You have to just remember you're more than any job and you're more than anything that happens to you." —Holly Kostrzewski Resources mentioned : Holly's speaking site, home to her "Junk Drawer" keynote Mic Drop Club, the women's public speaking group where Holly and Dana are both hosts Brené Brown's "empathy vs. sympathy" video, referenced by Dana Related episodes : More on the shame Holly describes carrying about her brain injury, and how to loosen its grip. : Another rising-from-the-ashes story about rebuilding identity after catastrophic physical loss. : A deeper dive into the yard metaphor Dana uses here to explain who earns the right to your "tender bits." Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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How to Reclaim Your Power from Shame (with Emma Lyons)
03/29/2026
How to Reclaim Your Power from Shame (with Emma Lyons)
A gentle note before you dive in: this conversation touches on childhood suicidal ideation. It's okay to pause, skip ahead, or come back to this one another time. There's an old horror-movie line: the call is coming from inside the house. That's basically the image trauma-informed healer Emma Lyons uses for what she calls the shame voice: not a wounded inner child that needs a hug, but an internalized narcissist wearing your abuser's exact strategies. Emma didn't see it clearly until she broke her leg in a motorbike accident and spent six months bed-bound or in a wheelchair, and her body started objecting to her mom's boundary violations before her brain caught up. Emma is the founder of Trauma Matrix, where she helps women break up with the shame voice that's been sabotaging their success, relationships, and visibility. She studied law and international human rights before realizing that path "felt like a slow death," and later discovered she'd grown up the scapegoat of a covertly narcissistic mother. We get into what that childhood actually did to her nervous system, why she thinks even well-meaning therapists get "healthy shame" wrong, and the acronym she teaches clients for interrupting a shame spiral in real time. If you've ever caught yourself agreeing with an insult nobody actually said out loud, this conversation names exactly what's happening, and gives you a way out. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode Why the shame voice isn't your inner child, it's an internalized narcissist wearing your abuser's own tactics How growing up as the family scapegoat rewires your nervous system, and why "normal" doesn't mean "healthy" The physical wake-up call (a broken leg) that finally taught Emma her mom wasn't respecting her boundaries Emma's BREAK method for interrupting a shame spiral in real time: Break the trance, Refuse to engage, Expose the lie, Anchor your truth, Kick it out Why women are taught to shrink, and how that shame directly costs us in the workplace and in our paychecks How reclaiming your "shameless" starts with recognizing the voice was never trying to protect you Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and meet trauma-informed healer Emma Lyons (01:14) Leaving human rights law: "wading through sludge" and a quarter-life crisis (02:12) Discovering she was the scapegoat of a covertly narcissistic family system (04:39) The shame voice as an internalized narcissist, not an inner critic (08:28) The motorbike accident and broken leg that finally exposed her mom's boundary violations (11:31) "The call is coming from inside the house": when the external narcissist becomes internal (13:15) Why "healthy shame" is a lie, and how shame-based culture shows up everywhere (21:08) The BREAK method for interrupting a shame spiral (26:29) Why women struggle to feel safe being visible or paid what they're worth (33:04) Where to find Emma, and her free guide to breaking up with your inner narcissist About Emma Lyons Emma Lyons is a trauma-informed healer and founder of Trauma Matrix, where she helps women break up with the internalized shame voice that's been sabotaging their success, relationships, and visibility. She studied law and international human rights before leaving that career path to build her healing practice. Follow her work on , or connect on . Favorite quotes "The real freedom comes from liberating ourselves from this inner narcissist that we've internalized, and then we become unshamable. We've got to reclaim our shameless." —Emma Lyons "Shame is not a normal emotion. It's not like rage or anxiety, you find something else underneath it. Under shame, there's more shame. It's never ending." —Emma Lyons "It's not your friend. It's not a critic. It's not a wounded child. It's a parasite." —Emma Lyons Resources mentioned : Emma's Substack : 5 Signs It's Time to Break Up With Your Inner Narcissist Dr. Ramani's "DEEP" framework (don't defend, don't explain, don't engage, don't personalize), referenced by Emma when discussing how to respond to a narcissist The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, mentioned by Dana Related episodes : a direct companion piece to the narcissistic-family dynamics Emma describes here. : another guest's journey through the same territory. : more on rebuilding trust in yourself after a dysfunctional family system. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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How Ego Is Sabotaging Your Leadership (with Chris Gillen)
03/08/2026
How Ego Is Sabotaging Your Leadership (with Chris Gillen)
A gentle note before you dive in: this conversation touches on suicide loss. It's okay to pause, skip ahead, or come back to this one another time. Chris Gillen was born into what he calls "a family of professional victims." His dad could never own a decision: everything was somebody else's fault. That same pattern passed down to Chris's younger brother, who died by suicide at 34 after reaching a point where, in Chris's words, "the world was a villain" and there was no way out. That's the origin story behind what Chris now calls the Villain Trap: the ego in leadership that quietly sabotages companies, careers, and homes long before anyone notices it's happening. Chris is a leadership advisor and former executive with over 30 years of experience helping companies navigate rapid growth, change, and internal conflict. In our conversation he breaks down why the Villain Trap isn't the leader who's yelling and throwing things, it's quiet: a leader gets feedback they don't like, and instead of sitting with it, they start building a case in their head for why the person giving it is "out to get them." We get into why ego makes that so hard to catch in yourself, and why he thinks humility has become a "dead skill set." We also cover the generational collision happening in corporate America right now (Gen X holds 70 percent of global leadership roles, and younger workers are pushing back on the "butt in the seat, 6 a.m. to 6 p.m." model Gen X leaders are now enforcing), and why chasing KPIs over people quietly burns a culture down. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode Why ego, not incompetence, is usually what stops leaders from accepting accountability The "blame bubble": how a quiet leadership pattern turns a colleague into a villain in your head, without anyone ever raising their voice Why Chris says humility is a "dead skill set," and how chasing a polished image on social media works against real connection How ego in leadership shows up differently across generations, with Gen X now holding 70% of global leadership roles Why KPI-obsessed leadership burns people out, and what "coach, guide, develop, nurture" looks like instead The one accountability question Chris says has to come before any other: "what could I have done differently?" Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and meet leadership advisor Chris Gillen (01:24) Growing up in "a family of professional victims" (03:15) His brother's death at 34, and the moment the Villain Trap idea was born (06:42) Why ego stops us from accepting responsibility (09:42) The "blame bubble": how a leader quietly turns a colleague into the villain (14:25) Vulnerability, authenticity, and why "look at me" leadership backfires (20:45) Gen X holds 70% of global leadership: what that means for the generational shift underway (25:31) What happens when companies chase KPIs over people (29:44) Why Chris wrote The Villain Trap, and who needs to read it (34:21) The accountability question that has to come first About Chris Gillen Chris Gillen is a sought-after leadership advisor and former executive with over 30 years of experience helping companies navigate rapid growth, change, and internal conflict. He's worked with organizations ranging from lean startups to Fortune 100s, and is the author of The Villain Trap. Learn more at , or connect with him on . Favorite quotes "Accountability begins with, in any situation: what could I have done differently, before you can say what could you have done differently." —Chris Gillen "Vulnerability isn't weakness, it's strength. It's real strength." —Chris Gillen "The bigger the ego, the less humility that a person can have." —Chris Gillen Resources mentioned The Villain Trap, Chris's book, available in hardcover, Kindle, and Audible: Related episodes : another leadership conversation about what actually changes a company's culture from the inside. : more on what it takes to lead well under pressure. : pairs naturally with Chris's take on leading with humility and self-awareness. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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The Science Behind Trust and Self-Betrayal
02/22/2026
The Science Behind Trust and Self-Betrayal
In this episode, Dana is joined by Clay Moffat, an ex-Navy weapons tech turned behavioral coach and author of The Trust Trap. Clay offers a radical reframe on trust, arguing it isn’t a character trait but a dynamic process of alignment that requires constant evaluation. He reveals why we are the "authors of our own pain" and how we unknowingly fall into the "trust trap" by creating a frozen mental image of others and ignoring real-time data. Clay breaks down the psychology of betrayal, arguing that the most significant betrayals are often the ones we commit against ourselves by ignoring our intuition.
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The Science of Laughter Yoga (with Cathy Nesbitt)
02/15/2026
The Science of Laughter Yoga (with Cathy Nesbitt)
Picture about a hundred picketers at a Toronto garbage strike, a private investigator filming the scene in case of trouble, and one woman walking straight into the middle of it wearing a homemade "Worm Away Your Garbage" T-shirt. That's Cathy Nesbitt, and it's just one chapter in twenty-three years of building a worm-composting business nobody asked for. By the end of our conversation, she'll also have taught me the actual science behind laughter yoga (yes, it's a real thing, and no, it doesn't involve any actual yoga). Cathy is the founder of Cathy's Crawly Composters, Cathy's Sprouters, and Cathy's Laughter Club, a two-time TEDx speaker, and a health and wellness advocate with a psych degree who's endlessly curious about why people react to her ideas the way they do. We talk about the "ew, worms" comment she heard for the ten thousandth time in 2012, right before discovering laughter yoga changed how she thought about stress for good, and why she believes failure will always feel better than regret. If you've ever sat on an idea because you were scared of what people would say, or you're just looking for a legitimate, science-backed way to defuse road rage, this one's for you. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode Why Cathy believes "failure will always feel better than regret," and how that mantra carried her through 23 years of a business people said was "gross" The wild story of confronting a union picket line to launch her worm-composting business, and the newspaper interview that came out of it What laughter yoga actually is (hint: it's not yoga), and the "DOSE" of feel-good brain chemicals it triggers Why you physically cannot be stressed and laughing at the same moment, and how Cathy uses laughter yoga behind the wheel to defuse road rage The boundary she wishes she'd set sooner: saying no to unpaid "exposure" events that drained her time for nothing Her advice for anyone sitting on a business idea because of what people might think Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and meet Cathy Nesbitt, worm composting and Laughter Club founder (01:36) Twenty-three years of Cathy's Crawly Composters: the origin story (03:45) The real obstacle of a worm business (hint: it's not the worms) (11:21) The magic of worms: turning a ton of garbage into "black gold" (12:19) Quitting her job to write a six-month business plan (14:52) Confronting a Toronto garbage-strike picket line in her "Worm Away Your Garbage" shirt (18:14) Her first newspaper feature, and the same-day news that her husband was downsized (19:50) "Failure will always feel better than regret" (26:47) 2012: the "ew, worms" comment that nearly ended her mission, and discovering laughter yoga the very next day (28:19) What laughter yoga actually is, and the DOSE of feel-good brain chemicals it triggers (31:32) Using laughter yoga to defuse road rage (32:51) The boundary lesson: saying no to events that weren't the right fit About Cathy Nesbitt Cathy Nesbitt is a health and wellness advocate, the founder of Cathy's Crawly Composters (started in 2002), Cathy's Sprouters, and Cathy's Laughter Club, and a multi-award-winning environmental innovator and two-time TEDx speaker who's introduced worm composting and laughter yoga to more than 100,000 students through her workshops. Connect with her on , or visit to join her free Laughter Club, Tuesday mornings at 9:30 a.m. Eastern. Favorite quotes "Failure is always going to feel better than regret." —Cathy Nesbitt "We're literally in charge of our own pharma. We get to decide happy, happy chemicals or stress hormones." —Cathy Nesbitt "Don't let people tell you what you're going to like it or dislike. Try it for yourself. You don't know." —Cathy Nesbitt Resources mentioned : home to Cathy's free Laughter Club, Tuesday mornings 9:30 a.m. Eastern Related episodes : dives deeper into the exact "failure vs. regret" tension Cathy lived out for 23 years. : another entrepreneur's take on pushing an unconventional idea forward. : more on stress relief and redefining what success actually costs. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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How to Build Workplace Culture (with Victoria Mattingly)
02/08/2026
How to Build Workplace Culture (with Victoria Mattingly)
Picture a Pittsburgh brewery on a summer night: live music, a courtyard in a city that's 25 percent Black, and a crowd that isn't. One Black man walks in, looks around, sits down, and leaves before anyone says a word to him. That's the six-dollar-beer story organizational psychologist Dr. Victoria Mattingly tells about a missed moment of allyship, and it's basically the whole blueprint for the workplace culture work she's built her career on. Dr. Mattingly has spent 15-plus years helping organizations become more equitable and human-centered, and she got there by way of a Portland bar, where two visiting industrial-organizational psychologists once described their entire job as "make the lives of employees better." She's since built a two-way model of allyship (imagine matching book covers, one for allies and one for the people they're supporting, each referencing the other), and she brings the same lived-in honesty to her own story: cancer, alopecia, and a mental health recovery she's been navigating since her early twenties. We get into why she'd rather call emotional intelligence a "power skill" than a soft one, how the DEI landscape quietly reshuffled after 2020, and the hard 5 p.m. boundary she holds as a working mom, even when the Zoom call is fun and nobody's making her leave. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode Why Dr. Mattingly calls emotional intelligence a "power skill," not a soft one, and how that reframe helped her work land with C-suite leaders The mirrored "act like an ally" / "work with an ally" book concept, and why real allyship only works as a two-way partnership A real missed-allyship moment (the six-dollar beer she didn't buy) and how to actually show up as a bystander next time How workplace culture language quietly shifted after 2020, and why some companies rebranded DEI work instead of dropping it Why she believes power skills like emotional intelligence can be trained, not just born with Her hard 5 p.m. boundary as a working mom, and why holding it, even at a fun networking event, matters more than it looks Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and meet organizational psychologist Dr. Victoria Mattingly (01:08) Two I-O psychologists walk into a bar: how she found her field (03:14) Why "soft skills" should really be called "power skills" (05:32) The mirrored "act like an ally" / "work with an ally" book concept (08:17) What allyship actually requires: a real difference, and no personal benefit (11:53) The bystander freeze, and the six-dollar beer she didn't buy (14:06) Cancer, alopecia, and living with mental health issues since her early 20s (19:45) Deciding how much of her own story to put in the book versus the keynote (22:11) From training and development into allyship: the internship that changed her path (25:58) How DEI language shifted after 2020, and why some companies just renamed the work (28:39) Her boundaries lesson: the hard 5 p.m. stop, and caretaking for a parent About Dr. Victoria Mattingly Dr. Victoria Mattingly is an organizational psychologist with more than 15 years of experience helping organizations build more equitable, human-centered workplace cultures. She blends research-backed insights with her own lived experience, including her journey through cancer, alopecia, and mental health recovery, and has served over one hundred companies through her consulting work, Mattingly Solutions. Learn more at , or connect with her on . Favorite quotes "If I can make life at work just a little bit better for a lot of people, I consider that a big win." —Dr. Victoria Mattingly "Don't call yourself an ally. Let someone else call you their ally: that's how you're doing it right." —Dr. Victoria Mattingly "I need to set that precedent, not just for everyone else, which is still an important part of boundaries, but for myself. I need to stay true to that." —Dr. Victoria Mattingly Resources mentioned : Dr. Mattingly's consulting practice Inclusalytics, Dr. Mattingly's first book on taking a data-driven approach to DEI Her allyship book, built around mirrored "act like an ally" / "work with an ally" covers, discussed throughout the episode Related episodes : another leadership conversation about what actually changes a company's culture from the inside. : pairs naturally with Dr. Mattingly's allyship and inclusion work. : more on what makes a workplace genuinely human-centered. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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How to Rebuild Your Faith After Divorce (with Sarah Brown)
01/25/2026
How to Rebuild Your Faith After Divorce (with Sarah Brown)
Picture it: married young in college, ten years in, life looking the way it's supposed to, and then the rug gets ripped out from under you. That's exactly what happened to my guest Sarah Brown: an unexpected divorce, sudden single motherhood, and a crisis of faith after divorce she never saw coming. She landed on the bathroom floor in a puddle of tears, shaking her fist at God and demanding answers. Sarah is a Christian author and speaker (her book, Even the Ashes Bloom, is coming soon) who helps women navigate seasons of deep hurt. We get into how her faith went from transactional ("if I do this, God will do that") to genuinely relational, what those first panicked months of single motherhood actually looked like, and the wildfire "fire followers" story that changed how she saw the whole thing: certain wildflower seeds sit underground for years and only bloom after the fire has scorched the earth. If you're sitting in your own ashes right now, wondering if any of it will ever make sense, Sarah's got real, hard-won answers instead of platitudes: how to vet who gets your "tender bits," why "at least it's not cancer" is never the right thing to say to someone, and how healing after divorce can leave you more yourself than you were before. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode How Sarah's faith after divorce shifted from transactional ("if I do this, God will bless me") to genuinely relational Why she believes the answer to "why does God allow this?" isn't a tidy one, and what she'd say instead What the first panicked months of single motherhood really looked like, and the advice from her brother-in-law that changed everything: "pause and look at the day before you, this moment, the next hour, the next 24 hours" How to "vet" people before sharing your "tender bits," and why not everyone has earned the right to hear your story The wildfire "fire followers" metaphor: how wildflower seeds that wait years underground only bloom after everything burns Why healing doesn't mean rushing your grief, and how journaling helped Sarah see God's faithfulness in retrospect Timestamps (00:02) Welcome and meet Sarah Brown, Christian author and speaker (01:18) Sarah's ashes: an unexpected divorce and sudden single motherhood (02:20) Shaking her fist at God, and sitting in a puddle of tears on the bathroom floor (05:52) How her faith shifted from transactional to relational (08:32) Dana's grocery-cart moment, and the question of why God allows suffering (10:26) Starting therapy as a new single mom, and the shame and perfectionism underneath the grief (12:52) Her brother-in-law's advice: stop planning 17 steps ahead and look at the next 24 hours (16:55) "There is no teacher as effective as pain" (19:01) Why transactional faith fails, in relationships too (21:23) Reading "Boundaries" and learning to set them, in marriage and everywhere else (23:15) Vetting who's safe enough to hear your "tender bits" (26:29) "At least it's not cancer": a lesson in unsafe responses (29:10) The wildfire "fire followers": a metaphor for what blooms after devastation (31:41) Where to find Sarah and her upcoming book, Even the Ashes Bloom About Sarah Brown Sarah Brown is a Christian author and speaker who helps women navigate seasons of deep hurt by anchoring them in faith. She's a former elementary teacher and children's minister, a recipient of the Women of Influence Award from the Nashville Business Journal, the author of over 20 director resource kits for Christian music publishers, and a contributing author to Hope for the Holidays. Her own book, Even the Ashes Bloom, is releasing soon. Learn more at , or connect with her on . Favorite quotes "I believe that we all have ashes that we carry with us." —Sarah Brown "My faith began to shift from transactional to relational." —Sarah Brown "There may be burn scars, just like on the earth there are burn scars after a wildfire, but that place could be where something new and even better is about to emerge." —Sarah Brown Resources mentioned : Sarah's website Even the Ashes Bloom, Sarah's upcoming book Hope for the Holidays, the anthology Sarah contributed to Boundaries, the book Sarah was given while going through her divorce Related episodes : another first-person account of rebuilding a life after divorce, and a natural pairing with Sarah's story. : Dana's own reflections on the divorce conversation above, good context before or after Sarah's episode. : digs into the same faith questions Sarah wrestles with here, from a different angle. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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Reframing Struggle as Growth (with Brianna Brown Keen)
01/17/2026
Reframing Struggle as Growth (with Brianna Brown Keen)
A gentle note before you dive in: this conversation touches on severe bullying and self-harm. It's okay to pause, skip ahead, or come back to this one another time. My guest Brianna Brown Keen was 14 when bullying so severe it landed her in the hospital, bullying so bad that her best friend's own father, a judge, told his daughter to stop being friends with her so she wouldn't get bullied too. In that hospital room, something shifted: a calm white light, she calls it, moving through her. She didn't know what her purpose was yet. She just knew, suddenly, that she had one. Brianna is an award-winning actress with more than two decades in Hollywood, known for roles on Dynasty, Devious Maids, General Hospital, and Homeland, and she just finished shooting season four of Netflix's Outer Banks. She's also the founder and CEO of The New Hollywood, a nonprofit she's run for nearly 20 years supporting socially conscious storytellers through grants and mentorship. But we spend most of this conversation on the parts that came before any of that: a career-threatening back injury doctors doubted was real, a mother who modeled victimhood at every turn, and Brianna's hard-won belief that if something in your life isn't working, it simply means there's something you don't know yet. You'll walk away with her theory of "start stopping" limiting beliefs before you can build anything new, why healthy boundaries equal self-love, and why getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is the actual key to living your purpose, not a slogan on a mug. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode How severe bullying that led to hospitalization as a teen became the turning point that gave Brianna a sense of purpose Why a career-threatening back injury, and a lawsuit that doubted her pain was real, taught her that despair is allowed in the journey The reframe Brianna uses on every setback: "there's something I don't know yet" How a lonely first year in Hollywood turned into The New Hollywood, the nonprofit she's run for nearly 20 years Why healthy boundaries equal self-love, and what she's seen happen to women who never learned to set them Why getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is the real key to achieving your purpose Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet award-winning actress Brianna Brown Keen (03:53) From the Minnesota suburbs to Hollywood: no money, no connections, cold calls from the yellow pages (04:24) Severe bullying, hospitalization, and the moment that changed everything (09:42) The "calm white light" moment in the psych ward that gave her a sense of purpose (13:23) Limiting beliefs inherited from her mother's "doctorate in victimhood" (16:20) The C-team-to-varsity story: how being believed in changes what you're capable of (18:58) Moving to LA at 19, her grandmother's guilt campaign, and early breaks like "Freaks and Geeks" (20:05) The career-threatening back injury and the lawsuit that doubted her pain (25:01) "There's something I don't know yet": the reframe behind Manifesting Your Mission (27:08) Boundaries as self-love, and what she sees in the women her nonprofit serves (37:34) Where to find Brianna, The New Hollywood, and Manifesting Your Mission About Brianna Brown Keen Brianna Brown Keen is a Minnesota native and an award-winning actress who has worked for over two decades in Hollywood, in projects ranging from top-grossing feature films to Emmy-winning television shows to indie projects she has produced herself. She's often recognized for her roles on Dynasty, Devious Maids, General Hospital, and Homeland, and recently finished shooting season four of Netflix's Outer Banks. She's also the founder and CEO of The New Hollywood, a nonprofit established in 2006 dedicated to supporting socially conscious storytellers and change-makers through grants, goals, and mentorship. Learn more about her coaching and guidebook at , or connect with her on . Favorite quotes "I have a theory that if something isn't working in my life, it simply means that there's something I don't know yet." —Brianna Brown Keen "Really healthy boundaries equals self-love. If you love yourself, you're going to set up boundaries." —Brianna Brown Keen "It's okay in the journey to have despair... we have to feel all the feelings to get through it." —Brianna Brown Keen Resources mentioned : Brianna's guidebook, coaching program, and podcast of the same name The New Hollywood: Brianna's 501(c)3 nonprofit, established in 2006, supporting socially conscious storytellers and change-makers through grants, goals, and mentorship Related episodes : pairs directly with Brianna's reframe of her bullying and injury as the source of her life's work : another guest's journey from a painful family dynamic to a clear sense of mission : echoes Brianna's psych-ward turning point and the hope that followed it Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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How to Network With Confidence (with Amy Siegfried)
01/11/2026
How to Network With Confidence (with Amy Siegfried)
Stand in the doorway of a networking event with a thousand strangers inside, and tell me your palms don't sweat. Mine do. So do my guest Amy Siegfried's, and she's spent more than 20 years teaching people how to network with confidence anyway. Amy calls herself a recovering "awkward kid" who tried to buy the right shoes to fit in and it never worked, until she stopped performing and started being honest about what she didn't know: no friends in a new country, a scared dad back home, zero clue where the grocery store was. Turns out vulnerability, not polish, is what actually makes people want to talk to you. Amy has built her career around exactly that: corporate networking on a national stage, living and working abroad, starting two companies, and becoming, by her own account and mine, a genuine master of small talk. We talk about why "just start" beats waiting until you feel ready, why networking works better as a relationship than a transaction, and the one question ("what do you do?") she tells everyone to retire for good. You'll walk away with Amy's go-to icebreaker for any room, the game she plays with herself at giant networking events so walking in doesn't feel like walking the plank, and a boundaries lesson about her own calendar that changed how much of herself she gives away. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode Why "just start" (a LinkedIn comment, a DM, a simple question) beats waiting until you feel confident enough to network The reframe that turns networking from a transactional ask into a two-way relationship Amy's go-to icebreaker to replace "what do you do," and why it opens better conversations How to walk into a room of strangers without wanting to bolt, including the game Amy plays with herself at 1,000-person events Why comparing yourself to "the popular ones" in the room is the wrong move, and what actually draws people in The boundary Amy put on her own calendar early in her career, and why "someone else's boundaries are not your boundaries" Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet networking expert Amy Siegfried (01:54) The awkward kid who became a "master of small talk" (02:56) Moving to Singapore, starting over, and how vulnerability built her first friendships (05:09) An MBA at Notre Dame during COVID, and the classmates who said she made the biggest impact on them (07:05) Finding the courage to be yourself when vulnerability freaks you out (07:08) Why "just start" beats waiting to feel ready (12:24) Networking versus comparison: focusing on the other person instead of your own insecurities (17:04) The two-way street: why networking isn't a transaction (19:44) The "popular kid" theory: why comfort with yourself, not achievement, draws people in (25:07) What to do when you're standing in the doorway of a room of a thousand strangers (27:41) The one question to ask instead of "what do you do" (31:54) The boundaries Amy has learned: "me time," and why someone else's boundaries aren't yours About Amy Siegfried Amy Siegfried has spent more than 20 years effectively engaging with millions of people to build confidence, foster connections, and facilitate meaningful collaborations, from corporate networking on a national stage, to living and working abroad, to starting two successful companies. She has also worked as an adjunct professor, teaching students how to build genuine connections instead of hiding behind a text message. Learn more at , or connect with her on . Favorite quotes "The answer is no, unless you ask." —Amy Siegfried "It's not a network, it's not a business card exchange. It's a relationship building opportunity." —Amy Siegfried "Everyone is good at something. Everyone has something to offer." —Amy Siegfried Resources mentioned : Amy's list of 45 conversation starters, categorized for icebreakers and follow-ups, built to replace "what do you do?" : Amy's website Related episodes : pairs with Amy's advice to ask better questions instead of leading with "what do you do" : expands on the vulnerability-builds-connection theme Amy lives out through her own story : a natural follow-up to Amy's "me time" boundary and the line between generosity and burnout Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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Overcoming Self-Sabotage (with Dr. Albert Bramante)
12/28/2025
Overcoming Self-Sabotage (with Dr. Albert Bramante)
My guest today spends his days representing actors, and he kept noticing the same maddening pattern: talented people telling him how badly they wanted the job, then blowing off the audition that would have gotten it to them. Self-sabotage isn't a character flaw, and Dr. Albert Bramante built an entire PhD dissertation, and eventually his coaching work, around figuring out what actually is. Spoiler: it's fear wearing a very convincing disguise. Dr. Bramante is a talent agent with more than two decades in the entertainment industry, holds a PhD in psychology from Walden University, and is a certified hypnotist and NLP practitioner. His research found that a specific personality combination, high neuroticism paired with low conscientiousness, is a recipe for self-sabotage, and he's spent his career since helping performers (and the rest of us) recognize the fear underneath the procrastination, the perfectionism, and the "this project isn't worth my time" excuses we make right before we quit. We get into the science behind the two-minute power pose, what hypnotherapy actually is when it's not a stage act, and Dr. Bramante's own hard lesson about people-pleasing: the year he took on double the standard teaching load hoping it would buy him respect, and got cut first anyway when the budget shrank. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode The self-sabotage pattern Dr. Bramante kept seeing in his talent agency clients, and the personality research that explains it Why fear of success is a real, protective (if misguided) mechanism, and how to recognize when it's quietly driving your choices The two-minute "power pose" habit, backed by research, that can change your nervous system before a big moment What hypnotherapy actually is (not the stage-quacking-like-a-chicken kind), and how it can speed up inner-child and confidence work The "happy file" habit for boosting self-esteem and pulling yourself out of a spiral of self-doubt The wake-up call that taught Dr. Bramante overcommitting at work doesn't buy you respect, it gets you cut first Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet talent agent and psychologist Dr. Albert Bramante (01:11) From drama club to a psychology PhD: how one career became three (03:34) Fear of success and self-defeating behavior: the dissertation born from his own clients (05:34) The Big Five personality research behind self-sabotage (07:01) Fear as a protective mechanism, and why actors hear so many no's (10:28) Rewiring identity: from "starving artist" to "professional working actor" (12:24) The two-minute power pose, and the research behind it (13:44) What hypnosis actually is (hint: not the chicken-quacking stage act) (18:16) Inner-child work, free will, and why hypnosis can't make you do anything (23:58) The "happy file": a self-esteem tool from his book (26:02) Toxic high self-esteem vs. healthy self-esteem (29:02) The boundaries lesson that cost him his job, and what it taught him about respect About Dr. Albert Bramante Dr. Albert Bramante is a talent agent with more than two decades of experience in the entertainment industry. He holds a PhD in psychology from Walden University and is a certified hypnotist and NLP practitioner. His dissertation research on fear of success and self-defeating behavior in performing artists grew directly out of patterns he noticed in his own agency clients. Learn more at , or connect with him on . Favorite quotes "If you combine high neuroticism and low conscientiousness, it's going to be a recipe for self-sabotage." —Dr. Albert Bramante "There's nothing wrong with setting boundaries. And if somebody does not want to accept those boundaries, then you have to evaluate: is this person really worth my time?" —Dr. Albert Bramante "I didn't get the intended outcome that I wanted, which is respect." —Dr. Albert Bramante, on overloading himself with committee work Resources mentioned Dr. Bramante's book on fear of success and self-defeating behavior in performing artists, based on his doctoral dissertation The "happy file" method, from his book, for documenting wins and positive feedback to counter self-doubt Amy Cuddy's power-pose research, referenced in the discussion of two-minute confidence-building poses : Dr. Bramante's talent agency and coaching website Related episodes : pairs directly with Dr. Bramante's research on the fear behind self-sabotaging behavior : another deep dive into how fear disguises itself as procrastination, perfectionism, and other "problems" : expands on the childhood-rooted fears Dr. Bramante addresses through inner-child hypnotherapy work Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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The Wheel of Fear: Rhonda Britten's Path to Fearless Living
12/14/2025
The Wheel of Fear: Rhonda Britten's Path to Fearless Living
A gentle note before you dive in: this conversation touches on murder-suicide and suicide attempts. It's okay to pause, skip ahead, or come back to this one another time. It's Father's Day. A little tiny town in Upper Michigan, two restaurants, snow in May. My guest is 14 years old, standing in the driveway with her mom, waiting for her dad to grab his coat from the trunk of the car. Except it isn't a coat he pulls out. In under two minutes, Rhonda Britten watched her father murder her mother and take his own life, and then spent the next 20 years believing it was her fault for not stopping it. That's the story Rhonda tells at the start of this one, and I promise you, it only gets more remarkable from there. Rhonda is an Emmy Award winner, a repeat Oprah guest, and a master coach who's worked with people across more than 600 episodes of reality television. She's authored four bestsellers, including "Fearless Living," translated into 16 languages, and founded the Fearless Living Institute. After three suicide attempts and a stint in a psychiatric ward, Rhonda started over like a kindergartner, literally, with a calendar and gold stars, and built what she now calls the Wheel of Fear: the invisible core trigger running your life until you know its name. We get into how to find your own core trigger, why "fear of rejection" and "fear of failure" are almost never the real fear, and why you don't have to feel calm, cool, or together before you act on your Wheel of Freedom. If you've ever wondered what's actually underneath your procrastinating, your people-pleasing, or your perfectionism, this episode hands you the map. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode How witnessing her father's murder-suicide at 14 split Rhonda into two people, and the 20-year spiral of alcoholism and three suicide attempts that followed What her third suicide attempt, and the psychiatric ward evaluation after it, actually taught her about starting over The Wheel of Fear quiz that reveals how procrastination, people-pleasing, and perfectionism are all fear responses in disguise, not the real problem How to trace your own "core trigger," the single hidden fear driving your specific self-sabotage Why you don't have to feel calm before you act on your Wheel of Freedom, proven by the true story of a first date in a two-seater convertible The free course Rhonda is offering Phoenix and Flame listeners to build their own Wheel of Fear and Wheel of Freedom Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet Emmy winner and master coach Rhonda Britten (01:19) The worst day of her life: her father's murder-suicide at 14 (03:08) Splitting into "outside Rhonda" and "inside Rhonda" (06:32) The kindergarten reset: a calendar, gold stars, and the seed of courage (07:01) Physical fear vs. emotional fear, and 20 years of insisting she had none (11:06) What the Wheel of Fear actually is, and why it works to stay hidden (12:35) The fear-response quiz: nod your head if any of these sound familiar (18:58) Finding your core trigger: Rhonda's own is "loser" (23:19) Tracing a fear response back to its root, and what to do if you can't find the moment (25:53) The Wheel of Freedom and "essential nature": Rhonda's is "authentic" (31:41) The convertible-car story: acting on your Wheel of Freedom before you feel ready (36:17) Where to find Rhonda, her books, and her free "Stretch, Risk, or Die" course About Rhonda Britten Rhonda Britten is an Emmy Award winner, a repeat Oprah guest, and a master coach who has worked with people across more than 600 episodes of reality television. She has authored four bestsellers, including her seminal book "Fearless Living," which has been translated into 16 languages, and she founded the Fearless Living Institute, home of the Fearless Living Life Coach Certification Program. Learn more and browse her books at , or connect with her on . Favorite quotes "The worst days of our lives are really the seed of our destiny." —Rhonda Britten "In order to pick the lock on your Wheel of Freedom, you got to act now, whether you're shaking, whether you're crying." —Rhonda Britten "There's nothing wrong with you. It's just fear." —Rhonda Britten Resources mentioned : Rhonda's website and home of the Fearless Living Institute , including "Fearless Living," translated into 16 languages : Rhonda's free course walking through the Wheel of Fear and Wheel of Freedom in three 15-minute videos, with templates and worksheets Related episodes : pairs directly with Rhonda's Wheel of Fear framework for another angle on how fear quietly runs the show : a natural follow-up to Rhonda's own trauma-to-freedom journey : digs into the neurobiology behind the fear responses Rhonda and Dana discuss Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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How to Overcome Burnout (with Jessica Hallahan)
12/07/2025
How to Overcome Burnout (with Jessica Hallahan)
What does it actually take to make someone stop long enough to overcome burnout instead of just pushing through it? For Jessica Hallahan the answer was a hospital bed at 24: covered in hives, twenty pounds lighter in a month, her knees too swollen to zip her own jeans, and fighting to keep her eyes open on the drive from her day job to her night shift bartending. Doctors tested her for Lyme disease, thyroid disease, and diabetes before her primary doctor finally asked the real question: when's the last time you sat still long enough to actually feel your own feelings? That, boundaries sojourners, is what burnout recovery starts with, and it doesn't knock politely. It runs you off the road. Jessica has a master's in public health and now runs Journey to Yourself, the coaching practice (and podcast) she built out of that reality check. We get into why "I have to do it all" is a lie your nervous system eventually sends you the bill for, why the transactional version of helping people ("I'll do this so you'll do that for me") is quietly exhausting you, and why 80 percent of workplace stress traces back to one fixable thing: you not saying the thing out loud. You'll walk away with Jessica's litmus test for knowing when a "yes" has quietly turned into resentment (hint: it starts with an eye twitch), the case for treating two minutes of peace like a non-negotiable meeting, and a reminder I give my own clients constantly: nobody else is coming to keep you together. That job is yours. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode Why saying "no" is a form of self-care, not selfishness, and how to spot when helping has slid into over-committing The hospital-bed wake-up call that turned a burnout-and-a-car-accident scare into Jessica's life's work Why 80% of workplace stress comes down to miscommunication, and the two things (tone and body language) most of us forget to manage How to break a people-pleasing pattern with a coworker who keeps dumping work on you, without becoming the office villain Why boundaries are flexible, not a ten-foot cinder block wall, and how to check in with yourself before you say yes The mindfulness reframe (minus the buzzwords) that makes staying present in the moment actually manageable Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet stress educator Jessica Hallahan (02:24) The rock-bottom story: hives, swollen knees, and falling asleep at the wheel at 24 (04:24) Why so many of us, women especially, put ourselves last (09:03) The transactional trap in relationships: "I'll do this so you'll do that" (11:46) Mindfulness minus the buzzwords: presence without judgment (14:58) What actually happens when you set a boundary (hint: not rainbows) (18:56) Breaking the pattern: what to do when a coworker keeps dumping work on you (21:25) Why enabling isn't kindness, and what it costs a team (25:53) What happens when we expect people to read our minds (27:16) The 80% workplace-stress stat, and the fix hiding in plain sight (31:48) Where to find Jessica and her free resources About Jessica Hallahan Jessica Hallahan holds a master's in public health and works as a speaker and stress management health educator. At 24 she was hospitalized because of burnout, and she built Journey to Yourself, her coaching practice and podcast, to help other people work through the same thing. Find her free resources and ways to work with her at , or connect with her on . Favorite quotes "If I don't make time for me, who will? That's on me." —Jessica Hallahan "Statistically, 80% of our work stress is caused by miscommunication." —Jessica Hallahan "When we assume, we make an ass out of you and me." —Jessica Hallahan Resources mentioned : Jessica's website, blog, and free resources, including the podcast of the same name : her Journey to Yourself 101 page with regular stress and boundary-setting reminders Related episodes : pairs directly with Jessica's story, digging into the early warning signs before you land in a hospital bed : the recovery-side follow-up to the burnout Jessica describes surviving at 24 : goes deeper on the "put yourself last" pattern Jessica names as the root of her own burnout Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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Why the 9-to-5 Is Failing Working Moms (Heather Powers)
11/23/2025
Why the 9-to-5 Is Failing Working Moms (Heather Powers)
"We want a wife too." That's the joke Heather Powers and her girlfriends at work used to make: someone at home scheduling the appointments, running to the dry cleaners, keeping the household Tetris moving so they could focus at the office. Heather has spent almost 19 years as a working mom in Washington, D.C. management consulting, and during the pandemic she found herself sitting with three schedules at once (hers, her son's, her daughter's), making sure everybody logged on to virtual school at the right time. That's when it crystallized for her: the traditional 9-to-5 wasn't built for the way most families actually run. Heather grew up the daughter of a construction worker and a teacher in rural New Hampshire, moved to D.C. for what she calls "this mythical thing" called corporate life, and climbed to an executive role at one of the large management consulting firms, all while raising two kids. She's since founded The Power Lane, a consultancy that helps organizations and individuals accelerate toward their goals, and written a book by the same name making the business case for why working mothers are exactly who companies need right now. We get into the corporate return-to-office fight Heather helped win for flexible work, why she thinks negotiating with a toddler prepares you for anything a boardroom can throw at you, and the very specific way she wants you to start asking for what you actually need at work. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode Why "we want a wife too" is the joke working moms make, and what it reveals about who's actually doing the invisible labor at home How the pandemic crystallized Heather's mission to advocate for working parents, three overlapping school schedules at a time Why project management, budgeting, and negotiation are skills parenting already taught you for free, and how to name them in a job interview The return-to-office fight Heather helped her organization win by refusing to accept a one-size-fits-all mandate Why staying quiet about what you're juggling at home trains your employer to assume you have none of it How to actually make the ask at work instead of hoping someone eventually notices what you're carrying Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and intro: meet Heather Powers, founder of The Power Lane (01:54) From rural New Hampshire to nearly 30 years in Washington, D.C. management consulting (05:08) Finding the courage to leave home, and "you can't be what you can't see" (08:44) Founding The Power Lane, and why working moms became her focus (09:38) How the pandemic (and three overlapping school schedules) crystallized her mission (10:32) Winning the fight against a one-size-fits-all return-to-office mandate (11:57) The supervisor pushback that became her real turning point: "we are all at breaking points" (14:46) "We want a wife too": the invisible labor working parents carry, and why it's cultural, not just personal (19:34) Why leaders and companies have to change, and how to actually make the ask for what you need at work (22:19) The superpowers working moms build: project management, time management, negotiation (26:36) Heather's book, The Power Lane, and the business case for hiring working mothers (29:54) What Heather would say to a mom who's discouraged and afraid right now (31:07) Heather's offer: a free 30-minute consultation for the first 17 listeners who reach out About Heather Powers Heather Powers is the founder and CEO of The Power Lane, a consultancy that guides organizations and individuals to accelerate toward their business and revenue goals. After almost 19 years as a working mother in Washington, D.C. management consulting, including time as an executive at one of the large firms in the industry, she now writes and speaks on building workplaces that actually work for working parents. She's the author of the book The Power Lane. Learn more at , or connect with her on . Favorite quotes "You can't be what you can't see." —Heather Powers "If you can negotiate with a toddler about eating vegetables, you can pretty much handle anything in a boardroom." —Heather Powers "We want a wife too, right? We want that woman at home or somebody at home to be scheduling the appointments." —Heather Powers Resources mentioned The Power Lane by Heather Powers: her book making the business case for working mothers in the workforce : Heather's website Related episodes : more on the corporate structures that weren't built with women's real lives in mind. : another working woman's climb into leadership, and what she had to unlearn along the way. : more on the boundary-setting Heather describes doing with her own calendar and workload. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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How to Know If You're an Addict (with Dr. Cali Estes)
11/16/2025
How to Know If You're an Addict (with Dr. Cali Estes)
A gentle note before you dive in: this conversation touches on addiction and loss of a spouse. It's okay to pause, skip ahead, or come back to this one another time. Dr. Cali Estes was sitting on her floor eating cake with her hands, crying, with cake on the wall and cake on the dog, when her roommate walked in and said, "That's not normal." Cali's response: "What's not normal? This is what we do." She was 23, wanted to be an FBI agent, and had no idea she was already deep in a food addiction that a college counselor would later wave off ("you're not bulimic, you're not anorexic, so you're just fat") and a doctor would try to fix with a diet pill that was, at the time, still legal. That diet pill (Fen-Phen, later pulled from the market for killing people) sent her looking for something stronger, and it took two ER visits and one doctor blunt enough to drop an F-bomb before she found her way to a yoga mat instead of a meeting room. Cali is now an addictions coach who's built her career on the idea that recovery isn't one-size-fits-all: the traditional meeting model works for some people and leaves plenty of others, like her, feeling worse instead of better. She's the founder of Sober On Demand and the Addictions Academy, a five-times #1 bestselling author, and a regular voice on CNN, Forbes, and more. We get into her simple two-week test for telling casual use from addiction, the exact boundary she draws with parents who keep rescuing an addicted adult child, and why she believes loving someone sometimes means refusing to be the one who saves them. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode Dr. Cali's simple two-week test for telling casual use from addiction Why the traditional 12-step meeting model works for some people, and made her own addiction worse How a hot yoga class, not a treatment center, became the turning point in her own recovery The difference between therapy and coaching, and why she made the shift to coaching in 2012 Her "brain dump" exercise for clearing ruminating thoughts before they spiral The boundary she tells parents to hold when an adult child's addiction keeps putting everyone in danger Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and intro: meet addictions coach Dr. Cali Estes (01:24) Wanting to be an FBI agent, and the night that led to a cake-eating breakdown on the floor (02:52) "You're just fat": a counselor's dismissal, and the diet pill that made things worse (04:26) Trying NA and OA, and why the snack table almost pulled her back into using (04:55) The addiction class where she scored "20 out of 20" on her professor's checklist (05:55) No health insurance, no rehab: how a friend dragged her to hot yoga instead (07:24) Ten sun salutations before you open the fridge: the practice that started to work (08:23) What she saw working in treatment centers, and why she quit on the spot (10:32) Why the meetings work for fellowship but not the therapeutic piece, and the shift to coaching in 2012 (16:15) The two markers Dr. Cali uses to tell functional use from addiction (17:51) Trading the drug for the meeting: why some people get stuck in the rooms (20:26) The "brain dump" exercise for clearing ruminating thoughts (22:52) The mother who bought heroin with her son, and the boundary Dr. Cali drew (31:39) Advice for women scared to start a business: freedom over money About Dr. Cali Estes Dr. Cali Estes is an addictions coach and the founder of Sober On Demand and the Addictions Academy, the online addiction and mental health education school she describes as the largest of its kind. She's a five-times #1 bestselling author and host of the podcast Unpause Your Life, and her expertise has been featured on CNN, NBC, ABC, MSN Money, CNBC, CBS, Fox News, KTLA, Forbes, HBO, the LA Times, People Magazine, and The Drew Show. Learn more at , or connect with her on . Favorite quotes "Your vice isn't your problem. It's your solution to a problem." —Dr. Cali Estes "So love is setting a boundary." —Dr. Cali Estes "I simply say, can you go two weeks without it?" —Dr. Cali Estes, on her test for spotting a real addiction Resources mentioned Sober On Demand: the recovery company Dr. Cali founded The Addictions Academy: her online addiction and mental health education school Unpause Your Life: Dr. Cali's own podcast : Dr. Cali's website Related episodes : another guest who rebuilt an entire identity and career on the other side of active addiction. : more on the trauma underneath addiction, the piece Dr. Cali says the meetings rarely address. : a closer look at the codependency and enabling patterns Dr. Cali describes in the families of people she coaches. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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Your Logical vs. Subconscious Mind: Who's Really in Control?
11/09/2025
Your Logical vs. Subconscious Mind: Who's Really in Control?
In this episode, Dana is joined by Kate Semeniuk, a Rapid Transformational Hypnotherapist, to explore the unseen forces in our minds that hold us back. Have you ever known logically what you need to do—like set a boundary or say no—but found yourself unable to act? Kate reveals how subconscious beliefs, often formed in childhood, create these internal conflicts. She explains that fear and suppressed anger are not weaknesses but misguided protection strategies from a younger self. This conversation is for anyone ready to stop fighting their own mind and finally align their actions with their intentions, reclaiming control over their life and happiness.
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Spot Burnout Before It's Too Late (with Michael Levitt)
10/26/2025
Spot Burnout Before It's Too Late (with Michael Levitt)
The cardiologist walked in, looked at the chart, and skipped hello. He looked Michael Levitt dead in the eye and said, "You know, you should be dead right now." Michael's first wife and mother, sitting beside him, started crying. Michael looked back and said, "I see you skipped a bedside manner class in medical school." That's the kind of guy you're dealing with: the kind who can crack a joke about his own near-fatal heart attack. But the blockage in his "widow maker" artery wasn't a joke. It was burnout, built over two years of six a.m. to eleven p.m. shifts, seven days a week, and it nearly killed him. Michael is the founder of the Breakfast Leadership Network and calls himself the Chief Burnout Officer (a title, he says, that came to him in the shower). In the twelve months after that heart attack, he also lost his job during the Great Recession, had the family car repossessed, and came home one weekend to find his house padlocked in foreclosure. All of it, he says now, traces back to the same root: he was burned out, and he ignored every warning sign his own family kept pointing out to him. We get into the sleep, diet, and calendar checks Michael now runs with coaching clients to catch burnout before it becomes a hospital visit, why "no" is a complete sentence, and the almost embarrassingly simple color-coding trick that shows you, at a glance, whether you're actually taking any time for yourself. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode The three questions Michael asks every coaching client to check for burnout: sleep, diet, and calendar Why the biggest red flag of Michael's own burnout wasn't work related at all (he stopped going to baseball games) How one year of untreated burnout led to a heart attack, job loss, a repossessed car, and a foreclosed home The calendar color-coding trick that shows you, at a glance, whether you're scheduling any time for yourself Why financial stress is one of the most dangerous, and most overlooked, burnout accelerants How Michael uses curiosity instead of blame to help clients figure out what they're really chasing Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and intro: meet Michael Levitt, the "Chief Burnout Officer" (01:28) How burnout first took hold, working 6 a.m. to 11 p.m. as a healthcare startup executive (02:50) Getting numb: how burnout convinces you to just keep working through it (05:54) The cardiologist's blunt warning: "You should be dead right now" (10:12) The year burnout cost Michael his health, his job, his car, and his house (13:02) The mental health toll of burnout: anxiety, depression, and feeling stuck in a "black place" (17:11) The red flag everyone else saw before Michael did: he stopped going to baseball games (19:33) Boundaries, delegating, and why "no" is a complete sentence (21:55) The three questions Michael asks clients to check for burnout: sleep, diet, calendar (26:15) The calendar color-coding trick for spotting how much "me time" you're actually getting (33:03) Michael's free book, Burnout Proof, and his parting advice About Michael Levitt Michael Levitt is the founder of the Breakfast Leadership Network, a media firm dedicated to addressing burnout and improving workplace culture, and calls himself the Chief Burnout Officer. After his own burnout led to a heart attack, job loss, and home foreclosure within a single year, he built a coaching practice around catching those same warning signs early, in himself and in his clients. Learn more at , watch his , or connect with him on . Favorite quotes "I see you skipped a bedside manner class in medical school." —Michael Levitt, to the cardiologist who told him he should be dead "My burnout led to all of those things happening." —Michael Levitt "No is a complete sentence." —Michael Levitt Resources mentioned Burnout Proof by Michael Levitt: his book, available as a free download from his website : Michael's media company, focused on burnout and workplace culture Related episodes : recorded the week before this one, with Matt Gerlach on what burnout feels like from the inside before it reaches a hospital visit. : more on untangling your identity from the hustle that burned you out. : a newer conversation on rebuilding after burnout has already taken hold. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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Overcoming Success-Fueled Anxiety (with Matt Gerlach)
10/19/2025
Overcoming Success-Fueled Anxiety (with Matt Gerlach)
Matt Gerlach built himself a million-dollar-a-year consulting business, and twice ended up in the hospital convinced he was having a heart attack. The day he started that business, eight years ago, what he calls "obsessive worrying" moved in and never left. He smoked a pack of cigarettes a day, drank more than he should have, stopped sleeping well, and didn't clock any of it as a health problem, because the business was working. That's success-fueled anxiety: the version that shows up right on schedule with everything going well. Matt has spent 15 years helping dozens of startups scale to seven, eight, and nine figures, but that resume doesn't mention the boundary he was too scared to set, or the fact that his grandmother's constant worry and his mother's stress migraines had already written a chunk of the script for his own anxiety before he ever noticed. He eventually trained as a yoga instructor, and it was sitting in that training, surrounded by other adults talking openly about their mental health, that he realized his childhood carried a lot more sadness and unprocessed trauma than he'd ever let himself admit. We get into how he learned to tell the difference between discomfort you push through and pain that means stop, why he now treats every wake-up call as an invitation instead of a failure, and the simple question he asks anxious clients who can't sleep: what's actually on your mind, and why? Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode Why anxiety and depression can show up right when your business finally starts working, and how to catch the warning signs earlier than Matt did The yoga-mat framework Matt uses to tell "sit through it" discomfort from "stop right now" pain How Matt grew a million-dollar consulting business by learning to advocate for fair pay and hold his own boundaries Why family patterns of anxiety and worry can shape your own long before you ever notice it happening A simple journaling exercise for figuring out what's actually driving a sleepless, anxious night Why Matt walked away from that million-dollar business seven months ago to build something that felt more like him Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and intro: meet entrepreneur and coach Matt Gerlach (01:38) How boundaries and learning to say no led Matt into coaching (03:55) The yoga framework: discomfort you sit through vs. pain that means stop (05:31) Survival, not passion: why Matt became an entrepreneur in the first place (08:04) The traits Matt has seen separate people who thrive as entrepreneurs (14:54) Setting boundaries is Matt's own responsibility, and no one else's (19:55) Hitting rock bottom: anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts after starting his first business (24:38) The wake-up call: those symptoms were telling him not to start that business in the first place (27:00) Journaling your way to what's actually bothering you (31:28) Holistic health first: why Matt tries the accessible stuff before medication (35:13) Where to find Matt, and his free Friday Brunch Club for LA locals About Matt Gerlach Matt Gerlach has spent 15 years helping dozens of startups scale to seven, eight, and nine figures. He built his own consulting and services business to seven figures before stepping away from it seven months ago. He's a certified yoga instructor and now works with entrepreneurs and executives grappling with self-doubt and anxiety, guiding them toward more freedom and impact in their businesses and lives. Learn more at , or connect with him on . Favorite quotes "I had to learn that it's my responsibility to set boundaries. It's my responsibility. Like my life is my responsibility." —Matt Gerlach "When a client says no to you, when a job says no to you, it's an invitation to get more creative about how to get a yes." —Matt Gerlach "I don't think there's any mistakes in life. I don't think there's like wrong or waste." —Matt Gerlach Resources mentioned 10x Is Easier Than 2x: the book Matt says he's listened to four times, on why entrepreneurs should pay their people well enough that losing them would hurt Erin French's memoir about building The Lost Kitchen restaurant (title not stated on air), which Matt references as an example of unaddressed pain outlasting any amount of medication The Friday Brunch Club: Matt's free, biweekly gathering for "cool, interesting people" at his home in Los Angeles; reach him directly to be invited : Matt's website Related episodes : recorded the same week as this one, with Michael Levitt on the physical warning signs Matt describes here from the inside. : more on rebuilding a definition of success that doesn't cost you your health. : the biology behind the "obsessive worrying" Matt describes living with for years. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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The Power of Unconditional Generosity
10/05/2025
The Power of Unconditional Generosity
Host Dana Skaggs sits down with Abagail McKiernan, founder of the nonprofit HelpLink, to uncover the deeply personal story that inspired her mission. What began as a moment of isolation became a movement rooted in unconditional generosity. Together, they explore how giving without expectation can restore dignity, forge authentic community, and remind us that the kindness we extend often finds its way back when we need it most.
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How to Actually Forgive Someone (with Katharine Giovanni)
09/20/2025
How to Actually Forgive Someone (with Katharine Giovanni)
A gentle note before you dive in: this conversation touches on sexual assault. It's okay to pause, skip ahead, or come back to this one another time. Katharine Giovanni attempted suicide in the eighth grade. She grew up in what she calls a "pickled family" (both parents were alcoholics), got bullied for not fitting into anybody's box, and spent years wearing her survivor story like an outfit: I lived through this, look at me. Then her mother fell down a flight of stairs, dried out in the hospital, and the two of them spent a few years closer than sisters, before her mother died of breast cancer. That was Katharine's flashpoint. She got sober (35 years and counting), and eventually built an entire method for how to forgive someone, even the person you're positive doesn't deserve it. I've watched enough people get told to "just forgive" and sent off with zero instructions to know how empty that advice is. Katharine is a three-time bestselling author of more than a dozen books, including her latest, The Ultimate Path to Forgiveness: Unlocking Your Power, and she's the first to say the unforgivable doesn't have to be forgiven right away, or maybe ever. Her method starts with the easy people and works up to the hard ones, ranking everyone on a scale of one to ten and never skipping straight to your tens. We get into her exact forgiveness mantra, why forgiveness is 100 percent compatible with never speaking to someone again, and why (yes, you read that right) you can absolutely forgive someone who's already dead. This is forgiveness with the boundaries left on, and that's exactly the kind I can get behind. Watch this episode on YouTube: In this episode Why "just forgive them" advice fails, and the step-by-step method Katharine built instead The difference between forgiving someone and reconciling with them (you can do one without ever doing the other) Katharine's forgiveness mantra, and how to use it alone at home in under five minutes Why you can forgive someone you'll never speak to again, including people who have already died Why "forgive and forget" is a myth, and what actually changes in your body when you truly let go How forgiveness and boundaries work together instead of against each other Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and intro: meet forgiveness coach and author Katharine Giovanni (01:33) Why everyone tells you to forgive and nobody teaches you how (02:00) Katharine's "pickled family," being bullied, and a suicide attempt in eighth grade (05:06) Her mother's fall, rehab, and death from breast cancer: the flashpoint that got her sober (06:16) Reconciliation isn't the goal: "just because I forgive you doesn't mean I want a relationship with you" (09:43) Stop letting them live rent free in your head (15:03) The forgiveness mantra, step by step (15:30) The rule: start with the easy people, work up to the "tens," never more than ten at a time (20:12) How to forgive the truly unforgivable (21:04) Forgiveness, justice, and boundaries: why they're not the same thing (24:03) Forgiving the pieces of a memory: the desk, the playground, even the year itself (25:32) What happened in Katharine's body when she forgave too many people at once (33:42) Where to find Katharine and her book About Katharine Giovanni Katharine Giovanni is a three-time award-winning bestselling author and speaker who has written more than a dozen books, including her latest, The Ultimate Path to Forgiveness: Unlocking Your Power. A survivor of stage three breast cancer and a turbulent childhood, she spent years teaching people how to run concierge businesses before retiring from that work in 2020 to focus on the forgiveness method she developed in 2021. Learn more at , or connect with her on . Favorite quotes "Forgiveness is selfish. You do it for you. You don't do it for them." —Katharine Giovanni "Just because I forgive you doesn't mean I want a relationship with you." —Katharine Giovanni "Stop letting them live rent free in your head. You need to forgive them and move on." —Katharine Giovanni Resources mentioned The Ultimate Path to Forgiveness: Unlocking Your Power by Katharine Giovanni: her latest book, and the source of the step-by-step forgiveness method discussed throughout the episode : Katharine's website Related episodes : Dana's own earlier deep dive into the exact question this episode answers. : more on why old wounds keep firing until you actually process them, the same territory Katharine's method covers. : a newer conversation on taking your power back from old pain, a natural next listen after this one. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: , or jump straight to , , , or . And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz:
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