#71: Loneliness in the Empty Nest

Are you an empty nester? Are you feeling lonely? Empty nesters often feel lonely, so you certainly aren't alone! But how can you feel more connected in your relationships? How can  you feel more connected to yourself?

In today's episode I talk about the different factors that contribute to feeling lonely in the empty nest. I also offer a few suggestions for how to feel better, including joining my free, new Women Empty Nesters group. For more information, go to Meetup: https://www.meetup.com/women-empty-nesters/

Book on developing friendships during adulthood:

Platonic: How the Science of Friendship Can Help You Make and Keep Friends, by Marisa G. Franco

Learn more about Karin:

www.drcalde.com

Instagram: @theloveandconnectioncoach

Instagram: @wildwoodfacilitation

 

TRANSCRIPT

Intro:

Karin: This is Love Is Us, Exploring Relationships and How We Connect. I'm your host, Karin Calde. I'll talk with people about how we can strengthen our relationships, explore who we are in those relationships, and experience a greater sense of love and connection with those around us, including ourselves. I have a PhD in clinical Psychology, practiced as a psychologist resident, and after diving into my own healing work, I went back to school and became a coach, helping individuals and couples with their relationships and personal growth. If you want to experience more love in your life and contribute to healing the disconnect so prevalent in our world today, you're in the right place. Welcome to Love Is Us.

 

Episode:

[00:49] Hello, everybody, and welcome. Today I'm going to be talking about loneliness and the empty nest. I've had a couple of episodes so far about the empty nest, one on what happens with our long term relationship during this time. I think it was back in February. And then my last episode a couple of weeks ago was about the change in identity that happens when your role as mom or dad significantly shifts, leaving you wondering who you are and what your purpose is now. I also seem to be attracting more clients who are at this stage of life, which I love. And I love supporting them through this transition, whether they're facing relationship issues with their long term partner, or they're starting to date, or they want to find their purpose in life or some other type of personal growth work. So yes, this is a subject near and dear to my heart, but I'm also really passionate about the subject of loneliness because I was really lonely as a teenager. And every now and then I'll notice that familiar feeling again. And it reminds me that I need to be very intentional about my friendships and other relationships as I get older. And I think largely because of my earlier experiences with loneliness, I put a lot of emphasis on family and my marriage, and that has helped me be really good in those relationships. But I think the flip side of that was that I didn't give as much attention to my friendships until the last, I don't know, maybe five years or so. And it's not easy, but I've learned a lot during that time and I do believe that friendships are really, really important. I've been putting in the work. I talked about loneliness back about a year ago, episode 32 with Laura Giles, and we talked about the rise of loneliness in our world. And we did that just a couple of months after the surgeon general published a report on loneliness. And he talked in the report about the costs to our mental and physical health, our relationships, larger community and a lot more. It was actually really, really interesting. But with that information, some good things have happened. I think there's been more attention put on loneliness, and I think there are more resources available now, and there's more information and studies being done about it as well. So that's the good news. So I'm going to be talking about, of course, loneliness during the empty nest, especially for women. And I'm going to be talking about why women so often do, do feel lonely during this time. And then also offer some suggestions. And if you haven't gone through this, you might be thinking, well, why can't women just reach out to their friends or their partner or other family? But the thing is, is that when you look at it more closely, you'll see that there are a lot of different factors or layers to this that make it a little bit more challenging. So I'm going to be talking today about seven of those different factors specifically, and how all together, they really can make it very difficult to not feel lonely. Not that everyone experiences that, but it is very common. So the first factor is something that I talked about during my last episode, was that loss of that primary role. So many of you who have dedicated a significant portion of your lives to raising kids might experience an identity crisis once your children leave. And this makes sense because your primary role as a caregiver is suddenly diminished, which can leave you feeling a sense of loss and confusion about your purpose. And those types of existential crises can leave us feeling like we're the only ones experiencing that. And it feels lonely. So that is one contributor. The next one is just a change in your daily routine. It once was that your life really revolved, most likely around your kids schedules, and suddenly that's unnecessary. And that can lead to feelings of emptiness. And that lack of structure can add to that feeling of where am I and who am I and what am I doing? And what is my purpose? That can leave you feeling lonely. Number three is the social isolation. So with kids gone, there are fewer ready made opportunities for social interactions. So activities that were once a part of your social life, like school events or sporting events or volunteering at your kids school, they're no longer relevant. And that might have slowly decreased as your kids went from being elementary school students to middle school to high school. But now those social interactions really start to require a lot more, more effort because they're not built in anymore. And that can lead me feeling lonely. The fourth factor is reduced family interaction and specifically reduced interactions with your, with your kids or the number of interactions. So as your kids leave for college or work or whatever it is, those interactions will probably decrease. And it might be that the quality of your interactions decrease. It might be that they're shorter. You don't have longer in depth conversations as you're both standing in the kitchen at night getting a snack at 10:00 p.m. or whatever it is that you used to do. And I do want to urge you to resist that urge to share those feelings with your kids. I mean, it's okay to tell them that you're going to miss them, and that's totally normal and might be healthy for them to know that, but it's not so healthy for you to cry on the phone to them every day or really lean on them heavily emotionally. That's not what your kids are there for. And it can put a lot of pressure on them. At a time when they've got their own pressures, they are, you know, exploring the world and figuring out their place in the world now. And so it's not good for them to then feel like they have to take care of you emotionally. So make sure you get some support elsewhere. That's really important. Okay, so number five, relationship changes when your kids leave. It can also impact your marriage or your long term relationship. And again, I talked about this in a previous episode, but, you know, a lot of couples find themselves having to reconnect and redefine their relationship and maybe even decide whether or not they want to stay together. And that is common for couples at this stage in their lives. So even though you might have a partner around that can actually still be very lonely. Number six, unresolved emotional needs. So this is an interesting time. A lot of women and men find that this is a time when they suddenly have the time and then space to explore some things that they never really looked at. I find a lot of people coming to me sometimes in the psilocybin facilitation space, but just in general, where all of a sudden they want to look at what happened to them when they were kids. Why are they like this? Why is this so hard for them? And it can be an opportunity and a period of significant growth. A lot of women had also been in therapy before this point, but dare I say it, it was probably not enough. And not that I think that you always need to be in coaching or therapy, but I think a lot of people stop when they start getting close to the stuff, or maybe they stop because they haven't found quite the right person to work with. Maybe it was too expensive. Or maybe they just didn't have the time or the energy to really dive in. But this can be such an opportunity. At this point in your life, you might realize that you've set aside your personal goals, your aspirations, maybe your career to focus on your kids, and that was okay. And now you have the time and the space to really do some deep exploring. So even though this might put you in touch with some of those feelings of loneliness and some of those feelings of regret, it's also an opportunity to turn that around. Number seven, aging concerns, or more specifically, menopause. So it seems a little bit cruel. Menopause seems to coincide with all of these changes that are happening in a woman's life. At this point, menopause is like going through puberty in reverse. So you might have some intense mood swings, anxiety, health concerns. You might notice a lot of physical changes happening, changes to your body. That can be a challenge for a lot of women. And the emotional component of this can again amplify by those feelings of loneliness. Now, I want to move on to some strategies to combat this loneliness, and I have four specific ideas. So the first one is the one that you might have heard of, and that is to pursue some new interests, look at some hobbies, some activities that maybe you previously set aside or never had time for explore. It might be that you try some things that don't really fit, and that's okay. You have some time and energy to try on different things. Number two, strengthen your social connections. Reconnect with old friends, make new ones. Get involved in community activities if you struggle with friendships. And again, like I said earlier, it can be hard because there aren't all these built in opportunities. There's not this structure to it. You might need to really put a lot of attention on it and put some energy into it. There's a book that I read called Platonic by Marissa Franco that I can recommend, and that might be helpful. Number three, focus on personal growth. So again, take classes, volunteer, pursue career advancements or that job that you never really thought you had time for as a parent. So think about how you might want to grow yourself. Number four is to seek support, especially if you're really struggling. And there are some women who are going to have a harder time than others, and that's normal, especially if you really struggle with transitions in general. Maybe you had a really hard time when you left home when you were young, and so this can be especially hard for you. So there's no shortcut to all of this. It's a pretty major life transition. I recommend maybe getting some books that can give you some ideas for how to work on yourself. Get a coach or a therapist. But most of all, find community. Find community that revolves around some shared interests. If you love music, I love recommending school of rock. If you want to be physically active, maybe you join a pickleball group. Maybe you love to read. You start a book club. There are a lot of different things on meetup that would suit just about any interest. But if you can't find something that feels really good to you, then start one of those. One of those groups that really fits you. But whatever you do, if you are a woman who is an empty nester or you're about to become an empty nester, I hope that you will check out my new meetup group. So if you go on to meetup, the group is called Women Empty Nesters. We've got over 60 members so far and 14 of us are going to have our first meeting and it will be on Tuesday, August 6 in the evening. You might be listening to this after that time, but no worries because I'm going to be scheduling a lot more of those. So if this interests you at all, I hope that you will come and check it out. I will say that I am planning on making this group private at some point, so I recommend joining sooner rather than later just to make sure that you get in. And of course you can join from anywhere because it's meetup and I am just really excited to see this group evolve. I have grand plans for it so I hope you'll join us and thanks for listening today. I hope you found it helpful and interesting and I will talk with you all again very soon. Take care.

 

OUTRO

[14:09] Thanks for joining us today on Love Is Us. If you like the show, I would so appreciate it if you left me a review. If you have questions and would like. To follow me on social media, you can find me on Instagram, where I'm @theloveandconnectioncoach. Special thanks to Tim Gorman for my music, Aly Shaw for my artwork, and Ross Burdick for tech and editing assistance. Again, I'm so glad you joined us today, because the best way to bring more love into your life and into the world is to be love. The best way to be love is to love yourself and those around you. Let's learn and be inspired together.