Episode 19: Will vs Skill: The Parenting Mindset Shift That Changes Everything

Will vs Skill: The Parenting Mindset Shift That Changes Everything

And if worry is a frequent guest at your house, don’t forget to grab my free Worry Toolkit. It’s 10 days of quick, practical tools to help your whole family live with more ease and less anxiety—straight to your inbox.

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Episode Introduction

Ever catch yourself thinking, “My kid is just being lazy / rude / defiant”… and then immediately feel your chest tighten and your tone get sharp?

In this episode of Emotions with Ease, I’m unpacking one of my all-time favorite parenting mindset shifts: Will vs Skill. It’s a simple question that can totally change how you see your child’s behavior and how you respond to it:

Is this a will issue (they won’t)… or a skill issue (they can’t yet)?

I’ll walk you through real-life examples (homework battles, sass, messes, and even kid-sized lying), and show you how shifting from “They won’t” to “They don’t know how… yet” gives you clear next steps, more compassion, and way less shame—for both of you.

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⏱️ Timestamps & Highlights

0:02 – Welcome & Why This Mindset Shift Matters

• Introduction to the Will vs Skill concept

• How Jami first learned it at a TBRI conference as a school counselor

• The moment she thought, “Oh… this changes everything”

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1:18 – Will vs Skill: What Are We Talking About?

• The difference between:

  • Will issue → won’t do it

  • Skill issue → can’t yet do it

• Why this is both a mindset shift and a paradigm shift for parents

• How this tool can disrupt cycles of anger, frustration, and power struggles

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2:38 – When We Assume It’s “Will”: Where We Get Stuck

• Common parent thoughts:

  • “She’s just being lazy.”

  • “He’s so disrespectful.”

  • “She’s doing this just to annoy me.”

• How our bodies react:

  • Tight chest

  • Sharper tone

  • “Battle of control” spiral

• Why “They’re just lazy/defiant” leaves you with no helpful next step

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3:51 – The Shift: What If It’s Actually a Skill Issue?

• Reframing: “They can’t yet” instead of “They won’t”

• Possible missing skills:

  • Self-regulation

  • Motivation

  • Organization

  • Communication

  • Empathy

• Why skill issues always offer a next step (teach, model, practice)

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5:25 – The Bike-Riding Analogy

• You’d never say, “My kid just doesn’t want to balance.”

• You’d notice: they need help, guidance, and practice

• Applying that same compassion to emotional and behavioral skills

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6:40 – Real-Life Example #1: The 12-Year-Old Who Won’t Do Homework

• Will lens:

  • “He’s lazy.”

  • “He doesn’t care about school.”

  • “He’s unmotivated.”

  • Next step = grounding, screens removed, lots of control + lectures

• Skill lens:

  • Maybe it’s organization (tornado backpack, no systems)

  • Maybe it’s time management (no plan for time after practice)

  • Maybe it’s confusion (he actually needs a tutor)

• How assuming “skill” opens up better questions and more helpful support

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8:54 – Real-Life Example #2: The 8-Year-Old With Attitude

• Directive: “Hey babe, it’s time to feed the dog.”

• Response: eye roll, “You feed the dog.”

• Will lens: “She’s rude. She’s disrespectful.” → no real next step

• Skill lens:

  • She might be missing the skill of expressing disagreement respectfully

  • She may be overwhelmed with too many directives at once

• Practical coaching script:

  • “I’d like your tone to match my tone.”

  • Giving her exact words to use instead (“Mom, can you give me one thing at a time?”)

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12:49 – Real-Life Example #3: “My Kid Never Cleans Up Unless I Nag”

• Parent story: “I always have to tell him five times.”

• Will lens: He’s lazy. He doesn’t care.

• Skill lens:

  • Missing executive functioning skills (sequencing, planning)

  • Missing time awareness

  • Needs help with transitions (e.g., 60-second warnings before cleanup)

• How to scaffold and build these skills instead of just nagging

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14:43 – You Won’t Nail It Every Time (And That’s Okay)

• Sometimes you’ll guess the wrong skill—no big deal

• You adjust, try another angle, and keep problem-solving

• Parenting as a puzzle without the picture on the box

• Bringing your kid into the conversation:

  • “I know you’re not lazy. I see you on the soccer field.”

  • “What skill do you think might be missing here?”

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16:45 – Why This Removes Shame (and Why That Matters)

• Labeling kids as “lazy” or “defiant” creates shame, not motivation

• Shame sits at the lowest emotional frequency and shuts kids down

• Seeing behavior as a skill gap turns it into:

  • A problem we solve together

  • A chance to build confidence and competence

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17:53 – Brain Science Moment: Wise Owl Brain & Regulation

• When kids are dysregulated (angry, overwhelmed, shut down), their Wise Owl brain (prefrontal cortex) goes offline

• In those moments, they literally cannot access their best skills

• Order of operations:

  1. Regulate first (co-regulate with them)

  2. Teach the skill later once they’re calm

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19:12 – Real-Life Example #4: The “Tiny Lie” and the Redo

• Jami’s story of her child adding details to a story that didn’t happen

• The fork in the road:

  • “She’s a liar” (will) → shame spiral + power struggle

  • “This is a skill issue” → opportunity to practice truth-telling

• The powerful tool of a redo:

  • Offering a do-over

  • Re-enacting the conversation

  • Celebrating: “You are a truth-teller.”

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23:52 – Weekly Tool: Your New Go-To Question

• When frustration hits, ask:
  👉 “Is this a will issue or a skill issue?”

• Then assume skill so you can:

  • Find a clear next step

  • Teach, model, and practice with your child

  • Remove shame from the equation

• Reminder: wait until their Wise Owl brain is back online before teaching

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25:25 – Wrap-Up & Encouragement

• Will vs Skill helps you:

  • Parent with more ease

  • Lead with grace and compassion

  • Still hold your family values

• This tool works at any age and in any season of parenting

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🔑 Key Takeaways

• “Will vs Skill” is a game-changing parenting lens.
  When you assume skill instead of will, you get clarity, compassion, and next steps.

• If it’s a skill issue, there is always a next step.
  You can teach, model, practice, scaffold, and support.

• If you treat it as a will issue, you often end up with shame and power struggles.
  Labels like “lazy,” “rude,” and “defiant” shut kids (and parents) down.

• Big behavior usually points to a missing skill, not a broken character.
  Think: organization, time management, emotional regulation, communication, empathy, executive functioning.

• Regulate first, teach later.
  A dysregulated brain can’t access its best skills. Help them calm, then coach.

• Redos are powerful.
  They let kids practice the skill you actually want—without the shame storm.

• Assuming skill protects your relationship.
  It keeps you and your child on the same team, solving a problem together.

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📣 Strong CTA (Call to Action)

If this episode helped you exhale and think, “Okay, I can do this differently,” would you:

👉 Share it with one parenting friend who’s stuck in the “they just won’t listen” loop?
👉 Screenshot and tag me on Instagram @sacredgroundcoaching with your favorite takeaway?

Keywords: will vs skill, parenting mindset shift, child behavior, kids big emotions, emotional regulation for kids, TBRI, positive parenting tools